At a crossroad and desperate for guidance - Fear & Temptation vs. love

[Peekaboo]

I'm sure this isn't the first post of this nature, and it won't be the last, but my version of this common situation has some small quirks to compete with.

I'm a married man in my mid 20s. I fell in love with a wonderful woman at the age of 16. She knows I am bisexual, has known since the very beginning, and she has no problems with it. Our relationship is both blissfully happy and healthy.

However, I fell in love before ever getting the chance to so much as kiss a guy. Temptation alone I could handle - bi, gay or straight, we all encounter it. My problem is that I've never had the opportunity to explore the other side of my sexuality, and fear living a life without doing so.

This is where my situation perhaps differs. Earlier in our relationship (years ago), she told me that she wouldn't mind if I experimented with a guy. Being more at ease with the idea of never being with a man than I am now, I scoffed at the idea. No more has been spoken of it since.

Through a course of events which I will not clutter this post with details of, I have found myself in a situation where a man of a similar age wishes to meet me for sex. If this were to happen, it would occur quite soon and at a time when I am scheduled to leave town for a few days.

The problem is, I don't know if it would be fair of me to presume the blessing I was given by my wife all those years back still stands.

You may suggest that I simply ask her again, and usually I would, except in doing so I will essentially be telling her that I have a man I want to have sex with, and precisely when and where we plan to do it. While she might still not mind me going out to experiment, I know she would not like to know such details.


So do I:



Give up on the opportunity to meet this man, leaving these feeling to fester for longer, and risking regret in later life - or…
Have sex with this man without her knowledge. Where this choice would stand morally is not clear to me.



My temptation towards men has been extremely high lately, as is my fear of never exploring the other half of my sexuality. I truly believe will give me great comfort and allow me to continue my marriage unburdened of the fear of growing old and regretting never being with a guy. However, I am understandably uncomfortable about how this relates to me as a loving husband. She may no longer be comfortable with me experimenting with someone else as she once was, in which case, I would essentially be cheating on her. I would never want to do anything to contaminate our relationship in this way.

[Jobelorocks]

I don't get why you don't just ask her. Tell her the truth, you know she is open to the idea of you playing with guys. She told you so. It is important for your wife to know about your sexual partners and with her attitude, I think she would probably consent to you playing with this guy. It sounds to me with your situation you can play with this guy without betraying or deceiving your wife. Since you love her and care about her feelings, honesty is the best policy.

[Peekaboo]

If I bring it up now, she will know that I am asking in preparation for my trip. Therefore, when I fail to respond to any calls she might make during the act, she will know exactly why I'm not picking up.

To clarify, I too would be comfortable with her having sex with other people if she wanted; but to know exactly when it was happening, sitting at home alone thinking about it - that would be agonising for me. Even if she is still comfortable with the concept of me exploring my sexuality, I know she would feel a similar discomfort if she knew it was happening right at that very moment. It might not be rational, but that's human emotion for you.

Also, if I bring it up and it turns out she is no longer comfortable with the arrangement, since I have already spent time talking to this guy preparing to meet him for sex, have I not already (albeit inadvertently) betrayed her in a way?

[Jobelorocks]

Ya, you aren't thinking very rationally. If she knows you are going to sleep with someone else, she knows. It doesn't matter when. I think it would have been best to discuss this with her before you started making arrangements, but don't make things worse by not being honest with her now. If she isn't comfortable with it, just cut it off with this dude and leave it at that.

I think you are making things more difficult then they need to be and it seems like you are sabotaging yourself. She has already told you that it was fine and talking to her about it again is most likely going to have the same reaction. You are truly blessed to have a supportive wife, many bisexuals do not have this luxury.

[Gearbox]

But Peekaboo, you ARE intending to meet a bloke for sex on your trip, and I doubt your wife is as dull as you make her out to be. Yes, she'll KNOW you got somebody lined up if you ask for sexual freedom. BUT that was the point oh her telling you that she doesn't mind you having sex with men. She just wants your honesty.

If it turns out that she's no longer comfortable with you having sex with men, then you realy need to reconsider the relationship. As you realise those bi feelings are not going to go away, and what if your with her until you die? Would she realy be 'the one' you need in this short life?
Maybe she IS 'the one'? You won't know untill you trust her enough to ask.
Good luck.;)

[littlerayofsunshine]

Sounds to me you intend to go through with it with your guy regardless because you have "invested" so much time and yourself into it. But she also has "invested in you" through love and trust. And you at one time trusted her enough to let her know your past desires.


Lets say you don't ask her or tell her. She calls your phone and you don't answer, she texts you and you don't reply back. You ended up eventually getting back to her after an extended period of time and then lie to her about a business reason. You get your enjoyment and your fill for the time you allotted. You have to go back and look her in the eye and lie to her face. You assume she won't think anything happened in the process. Maybe... maybe not..

You've already betrayed her in all your planning and whatever took you to this point because there was no further communication with your wife. So you're looking at it like "I am already damned if I do, damned if I don't"

If your wife was so understanding you to once, she should still be. But the risk is (if you don't give her the benefit of telling her) she does find out, and all that understanding she ever gave you will have meant nothing in her eyes.

So I guess what you have to ask yourself is. What's more important?... Her heart or your desire.


Another possible scenario. You put off meeting this guy for now. You reopen a dialogue with your wife once more and remind her of her acceptance, and then once you are clear on her standings and your own. Then would be the time to explore your desires.


I wish you luck. Never fun between a rock and a hard place.

[Peekaboo]

Ya, you aren't thinking very rationally. If she knows you are going to sleep with someone else, she knows. It doesn't matter when. I think it would have been best to discuss this with her before you started making arrangements, but don't make things worse by not being honest with her now. If she isn't comfortable with it, just cut it off with this dude and leave it at that.

I think you are making things more difficult then they need to be and it seems like you are sabotaging yourself. She has already told you that it was fine and talking to her about it again is most likely going to have the same reaction. You are truly blessed to have a supportive wife, many bisexuals do not have this luxury.

That's valuable advice. I'm not exactly sure how to bring it up though. I should be clear, this discussion occurred at least 5 years ago. I'm not sure she even remembers. I would imagine she does, but I'm also paranoid that I just dreamed the whole thing up. We discuss these things rarely, but when we do, it's very casual. Things that might be considered significant are often said between us in passing.

Blessed is right. That's why it'd be such a crime to make her feel under-valued. How do I assure her that my desires are not a reflection on her? I think she'd understand that my desires for men is separate, however, I have a higher sex drive compared to her and she has expressed guilt in the past over not being able to meet it. Naturally, I did all I could to lift this needless guilt she was feeling, but I'm now worried about causing these feelings to return to her.

I tried discussing it with her earlier this week, but it ended up sounding like I was feeling in some way guilty about fantasising with other men, rather than the truth of me really wanting to make it a reality (in other words I just babbled like an idiot about a problem that we both knew didn't exist). I'm also afraid she might give me her blessing even if it hurt her deeply - not wanting to feel that she was in some way holding me back from what I wanted to do. I'd hate that.

She's a lovely and understanding woman, but straight-talking is not my forte.




If it turns out that she's no longer comfortable with you having sex with men, then you realy need to reconsider the relationship. As you realise those bi feelings are not going to go away, and what if your with her until you die? Would she realy be 'the one' you need in this short life?
Maybe she IS 'the one'? You won't know untill you trust her enough to ask.
Good luck.;)

Not an option. I'd be worse than useless without her. My hesitation to talk to her about this is not limited by the nature and strength of our relationship, but by my own insecurities.

I fully intend to be with her until I die. Whether I die with only half of my sexuality explored is another matter completely.

[Peekaboo]

Thanks littlerayofsunshine - that's also very valuable feedback.

I can't do anything without talking to her first. I think I already knew that, but all doubt has been shed and it's very clear to me now. Thanks to both of you for helping me get there.

I just need to figure out when and how to talk this out with her. That is if I choose to at all. After all, growing old without ever touching a penis other than my own is still an option. I'm not sure how that option tends to play for other people in my position though.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Thanks littlerayofsunshine - that's also very valuable feedback.

I can't do anything without talking to her first. I think I already knew that, but all doubt has been shed and it's very clear to me now. Thanks to both of you for helping me get there.

I just need to figure out when and how to talk this out with her. That is if I choose to at all. After all, growing old without ever touching a penis other than my own is still an option. I'm not sure how that option tends to play for other people in my position though.


Well From what experience I have with my own bi husband. Sometimes the desires fade into black for a little while and there are times when it jumps out of the darkness and becomes consuming. We frequently touch upon his desires and discuss them when need be. I trust him to tell me what he needs when he needs it. I encourage or give him understanding depending on his circumstances. From my experience they don't just go away. But I trust him and he has the freedom to make the right choices for himself. Communication allows that freedom for the both of us.

I hope that there can be a happy medium between you and your wife that allows you to express your desires and hopefully test the water too.