need advice on boyfriend's bicurious tendencies

[anamorales]

Hi y'all,

My name is Ana and I am in a relationship with my boyfriend, Charlie. Before he and I dated Charlie had sexual encounters with some females and some men. Never sex, just oral. He only received, never returned. He posted ads in craiglist in the m4m, m4mf and stuff. Well, he had told me this in the beginnings of our relationship and that he was lonely and that only men are the ones who reply to ads in craiglist. Which is true since almost all the women there who post are bots. Anyways, one day I borrowed his computer and logged on into my gmail and saw that he was emailing some people in craiglist, I didn't say anything but just said if he would cheat on me, or would ever cheat on me? he said no. Well time passed and I told him what I saw and asked him if he was into women and men? he said no why? does it seem like i am? then I told him, "well like a really really long time ago. I was using your computer when you let me borrow it and I checked my gmail and I saw you were logged in and you had some emails from craigslist" I told him I didn't mean to see them, he said, "it's okay, it's my fault" he then told me, "no im not attracted to men at all, I do the craiglist thing when I get really depressed, communicating with people about sex is like a weird turn on for me, i dont know why, specifically strangers, I've never met with any of those people in real life" . He told me he does not like men. We live 3 hours away right now and I just don't know what else can I do to help him with these bi-curious tendencies? I mean I want him to know they are fine and I know he hasn't put any ads in a while but I been scouting the ads where he lives and I think he is posting again, what can I do to help? He told me last night he needs help, and that he keeps making bad decisions. I am going to see him friday so I want to address this and make him feel okay with it? any advice?

[Jobelorocks]

Well, you seem to be understanding about his bi feelings (even though he denies them). I think you need to be concerned about the fact he is deceiving you. You should sit down with him and talk to him openly and honestly about your concerns. If you are okay with him playing with other men, you should let him know that and also let him know that him having feelings for both genders doesn't change your feelings for him.

You are way more forgiving than I am. I wouldn't put up with him posting on Craigslist, conversing with people on Craigslist about sex, and keeping it from you. The fact that he is willing to betray your trust should be a concern and you need to let him know that he needs to be open and honest with you. If you guys don't talk this out and figure out proper boundaries, his behavior won't change. When there are no consequences to his actions, why would he stop? No action shows you will put up with that behavior and it is okay.

[anamorales]

Well, you seem to be understanding about his bi feelings (even though he denies them). I think you need to be concerned about the fact he is deceiving you. You should sit down with him and talk to him openly and honestly about your concerns. If you are okay with him playing with other men, you should let him know that and also let him know that him having feelings for both genders doesn't change your feelings for him.

You are way more forgiving than I am. I wouldn't put up with him posting on Craigslist, conversing with people on Craigslist about sex, and keeping it from you. The fact that he is willing to betray your trust should be a concern and you need to let him know that he needs to be open and honest with you. If you guys don't talk this out and figure out proper boundaries, his behavior won't change. When there are no consequences to his actions, why would he stop? No action shows you will put up with that behavior and it is okay.

Yeah, I am completely understanding about his bi feelings. I am the only one who he has told this to and he tells me not to tell anyone else because he thinks it's gross. Yeah, I am going to talk to him either Friday or Saturday about this. I am not okay with him playing with other men since I know he doesn't meet with any of them, just something that turns him on. But, yes him having feelings for both genders doesn't change my feelings for him. I am going to talk to him and tell him he needs to be open, trusting and honest with me. What kind of proper boundaries could I place for him though? and what could be the consequences to his actions? His mom and I are super close and she asked me today if I think Charlie has gay tendencies. So, even his mom has some concerns too.

[Jobelorocks]

Well the boundaries are what you are comfortable or are not comfortable with him doing. If it is just online chatting, tell him that, if it is just porn, tell him that. Also let him know that whatever he does needs to be disclosed to you.Tell him that you are not okay with him playing with men. Tell him the truth of what is and is not okay in accordance to what he does with other men. If he deceives or betrays you, you will need to consider if you really want to be with someone who is fine with continuously betraying your trust.

By the way excusing his actions due to depression is a cop out. I have struggled with depression for a good 13 years now and I don't use it to excuse my poor behavior to those around me. He chose to betray you and chose to hide his actions from you. No getting around that.

[anamorales]

Yeah, he actually has clinical depression and needs to take meds for it everyday. But, yeah I will talk to him this weekend and get to that, for me it is fine if he is just online chatting or porn but that's it. If he tells me that he is doing that then I will feel okay with it. I do trust him and know that it's only chatting and only that and fantasies. Yeah, he did choose to betray me but I know he never slept with anyone or any of those people so I just need him to be honest and be true to himself that he is attracted to men and women!

[Jobelorocks]

Well, you are more trusting than I. If he is fine about lying about making the ads, having fantasies, and having the sexual conversations with other men, who knows what else he is hiding. Ya, he fessed up to those, but it sounds to me it is because he got caught. By the way I have clinical depression and I am bi, but I would never dream of doing that to my husband.

[anamorales]

Well, you are more trusting than I. If he is fine about lying about making the ads, having fantasies, and having the sexual conversations with other men, who knows what else he is hiding. Ya, he fessed up to those, but it sounds to me it is because he got caught. By the way I have clinical depression and I am bi, but I would never dream of doing that to my husband.


You are totally right. Clearly he has issues and he knows he is making bad decisions and needs help. Yeah I am not sure he is going to get a LONG, LONG talk this weekend and needs to know there are consequences to his behaviors. Thank you for all your advice. I want to help him through with this since I am the only one who knows and we'll see how it goes, if it doesn't last it's not the end of the world but well I am in love with him and want to help him. Wish me luck! :)

[Jobelorocks]

Good luck. I know how hard it is when someone you love betrays you and you want to make it work. I hope you can.

[louther]

Hi

I too like to chat with others about sex and sex with men. My wife knows I have fantasies and have even been with a guy once or twice. She is supportive just like you and doesn't try to discourage my thoughts or desires. Let me just say that is very understanding of you and there are a lot of people on here that wish their partners were like you.

A few years ago I was in your situation my wife read an email I had been going back and forth with a guy from Craig's List. She was hurt about it and ultimately that is what me come out in the open to her. We talked and she got what I was saying & said just don't cheat on me. I want to know up front and at some point I want to watch. She gets real turned on by the thought of watching me with a guy. I don't tell her about every email I send or ad I answer, but if there is something that seems promising for a meetup I tell her. I have never met anyone nor have I cheated on her. So your boyfriend just may be that same. Sometimes it is nice to be able to talk to a stranger without any guilt and/or the thought of anyone finding out about your true feelings. I suspect you are a you get couple and unfortunately for men letting their guy friends know they have thoughts about having sex with another guy is just not an option. I know some of my guy friends would label me fag, or worse and maybe I'd lose a friend or two.

I would say trust him, be honest about your feelings and don't be surprised if he tries to say that it's just "playing around" or doesn't want to talk openly. It took a lot of reassurance from my wife before I was actually comfortable enough to say "yeah I want to suck a cock" to her. The emails I send and chats I have are a way of discovery for me, and a way to talk to guys with similar feelings. I need that right now as I come to terms with all this, but that doesn't mean I am out meeting guys and cheating on my wife.

Make sure you point him to this site, it has been helpful for me to know there are a lot of us guys out there!

[gen11]

I have clinical depression. I am a closet bi male who came out to his girfriend under relatively easy circumstances after I copied her on an e-mail that I didn't realize made reference to my first bi mmw experience. She and I are not at all possessive of each other, but she was very hurt that I had not trusted her with knowledge of my bisexuality. It was ONLY the trust issue that hurt her. She has since joined me enthusiastically in several mostly-bi mmw threesomes and we're looking for the right regular gentleman for more.

I commend you VERY much for your understanding and very evident love (I believe love is a commitment to support the beloved in his or her blooming fully in their own way). It seems that (a) he has been candid about engaging in sexual fantasies on line -- and that is what he has described, whether he knows it or not -- to relieve his depression or (b) he does not yet trust you fully to accept his bisexuality or bisexual desires and is conflicted about coming out. I concede that first possibility is possible but I think it's unlikely. Let me give you a strong assurance that bisexual tendencies in a man do not conflict with, or compromise or diminish, his emotional and/or spiritual devotion to a woman he loves. They're just there, and the clamor to be acknowledged and appeased. (This is, in my mind, different from true homosexuality which involves "love," possessiveness, emotional bonding, jealousy, etc.) If you are okay with him being actively bisexual, I encourage you to tell him so and encourage him to exercise his desires--safely, of course. And I encourage you to consider joining in with him, actively. If you're a woman who can enjoy that, I assure you it heightens everything during the encounter.

[anamorales]

Hi

I too like to chat with others about sex and sex with men. My wife knows I have fantasies and have even been with a guy once or twice. She is supportive just like you and doesn't try to discourage my thoughts or desires. Let me just say that is very understanding of you and there are a lot of people on here that wish their partners were like you.

A few years ago I was in your situation my wife read an email I had been going back and forth with a guy from Craig's List. She was hurt about it and ultimately that is what me come out in the open to her. We talked and she got what I was saying & said just don't cheat on me. I want to know up front and at some point I want to watch. She gets real turned on by the thought of watching me with a guy. I don't tell her about every email I send or ad I answer, but if there is something that seems promising for a meetup I tell her. I have never met anyone nor have I cheated on her. So your boyfriend just may be that same. Sometimes it is nice to be able to talk to a stranger without any guilt and/or the thought of anyone finding out about your true feelings. I suspect you are a you get couple and unfortunately for men letting their guy friends know they have thoughts about having sex with another guy is just not an option. I know some of my guy friends would label me fag, or worse and maybe I'd lose a friend or two.

I would say trust him, be honest about your feelings and don't be surprised if he tries to say that it's just "playing around" or doesn't want to talk openly. It took a lot of reassurance from my wife before I was actually comfortable enough to say "yeah I want to suck a cock" to her. The emails I send and chats I have are a way of discovery for me, and a way to talk to guys with similar feelings. I need that right now as I come to terms with all this, but that doesn't mean I am out meeting guys and cheating on my wife.

Make sure you point him to this site, it has been helpful for me to know there are a lot of us guys out there!

Yeah before we dated he would be craiglist and chat with men about sex and meeting up. I want him to come to terms with his desires and admit that he might be bisexual and not bicurious. I am extremely supportive of him and not going to discourage this desires or thoughts or leave him because I think it's gross. It's hard to find someone who truly accepts you for who you are and he does not know I came to this website and are asking for advice on this. But, I want to help and I don't know how. Yes, I was very hurt in the beginning when I saw an email of him emailing back and forth a guy from craiglist too and he did open himself to me but said it was because he gets very depressed. I know he hasn't cheated on me with anyone, just a weird turn on for him but if he does want to meet I would want him to tell me and be safe.

I want to help him and know that him doing this or his desires don't make me love him any less. I want to reassure him as your wife reassured you so he would be comfortable to say that, "yes I am attracted to guys, or yes I am bicurious and want to act on those desires sometimes" I will point him to his site and if so could he talk to you about what he is going through?

[anamorales]

I have clinical depression. I am a closet bi male who came out to his girfriend under relatively easy circumstances after I copied her on an e-mail that I didn't realize made reference to my first bi mmw experience. She and I are not at all possessive of each other, but she was very hurt that I had not trusted her with knowledge of my bisexuality. It was ONLY the trust issue that hurt her. She has since joined me enthusiastically in several mostly-bi mmw threesomes and we're looking for the right regular gentleman for more.

I commend you VERY much for your understanding and very evident love (I believe love is a commitment to support the beloved in his or her blooming fully in their own way). It seems that (a) he has been candid about engaging in sexual fantasies on line -- and that is what he has described, whether he knows it or not -- to relieve his depression or (b) he does not yet trust you fully to accept his bisexuality or bisexual desires and is conflicted about coming out. I concede that first possibility is possible but I think it's unlikely. Let me give you a strong assurance that bisexual tendencies in a man do not conflict with, or compromise or diminish, his emotional and/or spiritual devotion to a woman he loves. They're just there, and the clamor to be acknowledged and appeased. (This is, in my mind, different from true homosexuality which involves "love," possessiveness, emotional bonding, jealousy, etc.) If you are okay with him being actively bisexual, I encourage you to tell him so and encourage him to exercise his desires--safely, of course. And I encourage you to consider joining in with him, actively. If you're a woman who can enjoy that, I assure you it heightens everything during the encounter.

Yes, I just want my boyfriend to be trusting with me and tell me that he might be bi! Which is okay and he is christian so he might think it's so gross and wrong for him to think that, but that is not the case, because it is completely normal! I would join him too if he wanted to be in MMW threesomes as long as we were safe. Thank you so much for commending me on being understanding and about my love for him. Yes, I completely support him on blooming fully in his own way. He tells me he doesn't know who he wants to be and told me he needs help. So, I just want to help him. I can't tell anyone else about this or him tell anyone else but me because no one else would understand and they'll think it's gross. His mom did ask me yesterday if I think he has gay tendencies, of course I didn't tell her anything. Yes, I want him to acknowledge his bisexual tendencies and trust me with that! Yes, I would join him if he wants to pursue those desires. I just don't know how to bring up all of this to him without him thinking I am attacking him or something you know? I just want to help him because I love him and accept him as who he truly is.

[DuckiesDarling]

I just want to help him because I love him and accept him as who he truly is.

This is all you need to do, accept him as he is. Don't keep trying to tell him he is something else or that you feel he is something other than what he thinks. It reads to me that he surfs the net looking at porn because he's depressed, he's trying to trigger something in his mind. To just feel. So just love him, don't keep pushing and talking about him to his mother or any of the other things you are doing right now, just love him. Be there. Listen. Love him.

[anamorales]

This is all you need to do, accept him as he is. Don't keep trying to tell him he is something else or that you feel he is something other than what he thinks. It reads to me that he surfs the net looking at porn because he's depressed, he's trying to trigger something in his mind. To just feel. So just love him, don't keep pushing and talking about him to his mother or any of the other things you are doing right now, just love him. Be there. Listen. Love him.

Thank you DuckiesDarling! I will be there for him and listen and love him. It's hard for him because we live apart temporarily right now, so I can't be there physically for him. I am his best friend as well as his girlfriend so I will try my best to be there, to listen and to love him :)

[louther]

I want to help him and know that him doing this or his desires don't make me love him any less. I want to reassure him as your wife reassured you so he would be comfortable to say that, "yes I am attracted to guys, or yes I am bicurious and want to act on those desires sometimes" I will point him to his site and if so could he talk to you about what he is going through?

I'd be happy to be someone he can talk to. It always helps, and this being somewhat anonymous here may be what he's looking for just someone to vent & share desires with.