Discussing time spent with same sex partner while in the presence of children?

[SeekingSimilar24]

This is a new issue for me. I have been dating a woman who has an 11 year old son for several months now. I am not pushing to take a father figure role to him or anything, just being me and we seem to get along great. My relationship with his mom is going really well with one noted exception (not sure if that is the right word): She is raising her kid to be pious. This itself doesn't bother me, I was raised in a baptist family when I was younger, but this has caused a bit of an issue when it comes to discussing anything with any association to the guy I am also in a relationship with.

When ever I talk about the guy I am dating I don't really refer to him in any sexual or insinuating manner, just as if we were friends that spend time together, unless I know her kid is not going to even have the chance to pop his head in at any moment. But she seems very hesitant if a little panicked to talk about even things I have done with him around when her kid is listening. When alone it is fine, she is fully engaged in knowing what he and I have been up to, things seem great.

I can't help but feel a little like this could start becoming an issue if she decides to start censoring me discussing my day that just so happened to involve the guy I am dating. But again, that is her right when it comes to her kid... I am not sure just how big a problem this is, but it kind of bothers me deep down. Any advice?

[Long Duck Dong]

do you have kids of your own and would you ask others to be wary of what they say around your child ? or expect your partner to talk with you about issues they have with the relationship instead of talking to other people in a forum and not to you ?

she is a mother and mothers know just how intuitive kids are, they are quick to read things between the lines.... that could open up a can of worms for her to have to deal with in more ways than one... and as the mother, she is the one that has to deal with the issues, not you .......you seriously need to talk with your female partner and let her know how you feel, then listen to what she says, as there may well be good reason for her stance concerning her son, and honestly, if you are not talking with your female partner about the issues, then you are not really making a effort to see her as a partner, lover and MOTHER

[SeekingSimilar24]

I don't have kids of my own but have helped raise kids with single friends who were abandoned by their partners. I used to talk like that all the time, the kids just came to know that as part of who I am... the issue here isn't that he is a kid... it is the fact he is 11. He is on the threshold of puberty and things can get complicated. I am sorry if my question offended you, or you think me so dense as not to have talked to her about it, but I have talked it over and I am turning to others for some sort of advice concerning their possible experiences as we both seem to be at a deadlock.

Her reason for keeping things from her son is one of religious intent as guided by HER mother, something I am sympathetic towards but not totally supportive of. He is a smart kid, so I am not going to spend too much time on details when he is around, but her quick response to things and interest in removing him from the area is, I think, causing a rift in their relationship she doesn't completely see. I have talked to her and the only other info she really gives is one that is irrational from my perspective. She thinks exposing him to the idea of homosexuality or bisexuality will put him in harms way. But I am not exposing him to anything of that nature, just discussing things like getting meals or seeing movies. The fact she knows it is related to my time spent with the guy I am seeing isn't apparent to her kid, but if she sweeps him out of the room every time something even remotely involving him is mentioned, he is going to catch on.

EDIT
The issue is that I don't want to overstep my boundaries in telling her what her son should or shouldn't be exposed to, but I need to approach this delicately because of that. I don't want to disrespect how she parents her kid, but I do want to discuss this since it is bothering me, and from my experience having been an 11 year old boy... he is going to start suspecting something sooner than later.

[Long Duck Dong]

your question did not offend me or worry me....... but you could have shared a lil more of the info about talking with her and her reasoning cos it tells us her side of the story as well, the moment you mentioned religious intent as quided by her mother, it puts things in a clearer light for many people....

its not so much about her kid, its about herself and what she would have to deal with.... and having a religious mother, a anti LGBT stepfather and being the caregiver for a elderly gay male, plus having a sister that was bisexual / lesbian and died of aids, I have seen just how nasty things can get and how a person can end up stuck right in the middle of a complete shitstorm....

you are 3 months dating a woman and already unhappy about your style being cramped by a parents decision about their kid... its not like you are making a solid choice to settle down with her and step into the role of a permanent partner / supportive parental role... so personally I would accept her decision and relook at the issue later down the track when you both decide that you are in a relationship that is solid and stable / long term... otherwise, if it turns to shit, you can walk away and leave her dealing with all the issues.....

it looks to me like shes ok with you having a BF and talking about it privately, but shes not ready for it to become a open understanding that shes dating a bi guy with a bf.....and shes using the kid as a form of reasoning why she wants things quiet..... I would respect her and her decision, specially if you are just dating....

[littlerayofsunshine]

Remembering back to being 11. Do you remember any of the awkwardness that followed just growing up being 11, starting middle school? The pressures that come with just being 11? There are just some things as a parent you feel you don't discuss unless you absolutely have to. There are just discussions that take place after the kids go to bed. You feel that are "benign" discussions. But for her they are not. Your other relationship is your sexuality and while she is comfortable with that and will have discussions with you freely away from the child. You two are also just 'dating' and even at "several' months doesn't constitute a stable setting for a child.

If the child suspects, the child will ask questions to his mother. The mother will find the best way for her to answer them. My suggestion would be, keep the discussions away from the child, respect the child's mother's wishes and don't feel so "Oppressed" because of this one little hitch. Use the time when the child is otherwise occupied or asleep to have your discussions and freedom to express yourself. Then he won't have to be "swept" out of the room.

Signed,

Mother of 4 kids.

[SeekingSimilar24]

Thank you for the replies. We are going to be seeing each other tonight and didn't want to barge into the conversation without respecting her as a mother. I feel like I am in kind of a tights spot as I am not trying to be a father figure to this kid but I FEEL like she might be taking a misstep as how she is handling the situation with her kid. I think I need to explain how I talk in front of kids more clearly to her and maybe reassure her I wont give out more information than what she wants for him to be exposed to. You guys are right this is a little hitch, but since it is the first one it feels a bit bigger than it should especially since it involves her kid. When he goes to bed I will approach the situation based on how I feel first and not put her on the defensive. I just feel like she might have the wrong opinion about me based on her past experiences with men and that should be discussed sooner than later.

[welickit]

Interesting that you constantly say "her kid". she and "her kid" would be better off if you faded away. You sound like a pedophile about to break out. We don't really care whether you like our opinion or not, you come across really bad.