How do u know the truth?????

[camomommy86]

So i am curious. My fiance has told me recently he has bi urges . And we sat down and talked about it and have decided to try and work through it toghter. But this is hwere the problem is. He has hid this from me for so long. And did a very good job of hideing it from me. That i am not sure if i can trust that he is not going to try and hide it from me again. So this is my question. What do i look out for in the future. As to know warning signs of if he is lieing and hideing stuff from me again. I am willing to work on our relationship. But i am just nervous now. And i am not sure what to look for to know if he is doing stuff and me not know.

[Long Duck Dong]

camo, the simplest and easiest answer is learn about your partner... not what you see on the surface but everything.....

people tend to follow a pattern, 95% of people are not even aware they have a behavioral pattern...and most of the time, the reason people get away with lying, is that their partner is simply not aware there is anything going on at all, cos they view things as normal behievour... its not until they become aware that there has been lying and cheating going on, that they question how they never saw it.....

the simple truth is that they did see the patterns, they just never realised what they were seeing.....

a good example of what I mean, is watch your partner as you open up the relationship.... there will be aspects of his behievour that will stand out to you as something you have seen before... and its generally to do with when they are meeting another person for sex, and afterwards....
one good friend of mine, had a partner in a open relationship and she was sure that he was breaking their agreement, so I talked with her about it and asked her to keep a eye on his behievour, just watch the way he acted when he made love with her and then when he was off with other guys.... it took her 5 weeks to catch him out..... and the 2 females he was playing around with, had no idea he was married....

what you are looking for is very subtle patterns of behievour that he will do whenever he is with another male..... its a subconscious thing, so he will not be aware that he does it.....and its a individual aspect of each person, its as unique as DNA.... when he is out with guys with permission, he will develop a pattern that is different to when he is with guys and hiding something, its a bit like the way a mother can tell their children have been up to something, even if the children do not say anything, and its a pattern that is different for each child

its easier for me to notice those things as I am a person with a intuitive / logical analytic mind, so I see things in terms of patterns and sequences......

my advice to you is just try trusting him for a while, if he is genuinely open and honest with you, you have nothing much to fear and its possible he will play by the rules and give you no reason to worry.......

[camomommy86]

I know all about his patterns. That is how the whole conversation cam eabout him and all this. He acted funny and i checked his phone and there the gay porn was. When we first got toghter. He acted funny. And i looked in his e-mail. And there it was e-mails to men about relationships and what not. But i am affraid that now that he knows i have found all this he is going to try harder to hide it from me. And the fact that i told him i was ok with all of it except the fact that he hid it from me

[Gearbox]

When you get to a point where you think you need to invade your partners privacy, it's time you left the relationship.
Neither of you trust each other, he lies and you invade. NOT a healthy partnership. Neither of you would take that crap off a friend I expect.

[darkeyes]

U obviously arent ok with all of it.. maybe not any of it... if u were u wouldnt be sneaking around checking up on him and hitting his emails and fone.... Gear is right... he hides, u search... sort it or split...

[DuckiesDarling]

Camo, I am reading your posts here and in your other thread. I'm sorry but you really need to just back off for a bit. You have your own demons to deal with without adding something else into the mix. If you really want this relationship to work you have to stop looking for reasons not to trust and start looking for reasons to trust again. I know it's hard when someone has already lied but only you can decide if he is worth trying to save a relationship with, take care of yourself first, then your children, then the relationship.

[ncfriendforyou]

I'm not going to sugar coat this for you. I read and responded to your other post, and you asked basically the same thing in that one. Why are you putting yourself through this? Your husband is the one you need to be talking to. If he won't even talk (notice I said talk, not accuse, yell, and scream) to you about this at all, then the writing is on the wall, and it's in big letters, so you need to read it. I think you need to consider first what an act of faith and trust it took for him to tell you about any of this in the first place, whether it was before your marriage or not. And he doesn't need your forgiveness for being gay or bi, because he hasn't done anything wrong.
From reading what you wrote, I suspect that your confronting him was most likely not done in a rational, calm way. BTW, my wife trusts me and knows and accepts me. But it still chaps my ass a little to think that she would resort to snooping around to try and catch me at something. Bad move! That is extremely immature and juvenile behavior, and expected from a 14 year old, not an adult. I get the impression that you aren't willing to accept this fact about your husband. So I will spell it out for you. People are not always what you want them to be. Either your husband is gay and is in turmoil because of it, or he is bi. If he is bi then you can either try to accept it, learn to live with it, and maybe even broaden your sexual horizons if he wants to include you. Only you (not a bunch of people on the internet) know the answer to this. If you do leave him, then my challenge to you would be to resist the urge and NOT be the evil, vindictive b##ch that feels like she has to "out" him to everyone in the world. I didn't ask to be born bi, I just am, and I'm pretty sure it's the same for your husband. You can never change him, it is what it is. Either way, you are still asking the wrong people about this. You need to talk to your husband and a marriage counselor. If he won't talk about it, then you need to leave, ASAP.

[camomommy86]

OK. I want to thank everyone for al the advice. But the thing is. We have had a lot of talks in the last couple days. He has opend up more to me in the last 4 days then he has in the year and a half we have been toghter. And we have talked about a lot of thnings. We even had AMAZING sex lastnight. It was better then it has ever been for us. And part of it is that he does not havr to carry around the burdon of trying to hide anything. Which hideing stuff like that can take a heavy toll on a person. I kow. And we have talked and i have accepted him. And everything he is. I get it. EVery one is curious. I to have been with women before. So i know how it goes. But my concern is that i am going to over loook things or he is going to hide things now. So i am not sure if there are people who have been there. In the place of just telling there spouse. And if there is have they tried to hide more. Or have they been open and honest about it. Cause he has been so much happier and Easy going since we had the talk the other day. And it has been amazing

[Paddarick69]

that is good to hear camo, it really is... his opening up about it instead of clamming up AND ESPECIALLY you two having wonderful sex FINALLY is a REALLY good sign... there may be hope for you guys yet... some of us are bisexual in this world, camo, but we still need the other gender and family and fatherhood and all that... just let him know he has someone safe and accepting and loving to tell all his secrets to and the threat of infidelity will very likely fade... I wish you guys the best of luck and remember the three priorities I told you of yesterday... you need a number three that helps with the number one and two, not detracts from them!

[camomommy86]

I did read them. And i know it may be a little of a long road. But i think we may be ok. As long as i can learn to handle my issues. And he learns that he can open up and talk to me. And that he needs to communicate with me.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So You are snooping thru his email And phone, and You are wondering how to trust Him? Ah Girlfriend, DD and the others are correct. You have some personal issues and demons to tame before you can make this relationship work properly. I think you need to question Why he would keep this from you. And more importantly, you need to sit down and talk to him, keep communicatioins open and work thru this prob. Trust has to begin somewhere, and you being suspicious all of the time isnt helping matters any.
Just my 2 cents here..
Cat

[bityme]

{Post # 3} And i looked in his e-mail. And there it was e-mails to men about relationships and what not.

{Post # 8} We have had a lot of talks in the last couple days. He has opend up more to me in the last 4 days then he has in the year and a half we have been toghter. And we have talked about a lot of thnings. We even had AMAZING sex lastnight. It was better then it has ever been for us. And part of it is that he does not havr to carry around the burdon of trying to hide anything. Which hideing stuff like that can take a heavy toll on a person. I kow.

And we have talked and i have accepted him. And everything he is. I get it. EVery one is curious. I to have been with women before. So i know how it goes. But my concern is that i am going to over loook things or he is going to hide things now. So i am not sure if there are people who have been there. In the place of just telling there spouse. And if there is have they tried to hide more. Or have they been open and honest about it. Cause he has been so much happier and Easy going since we had the talk the other day. And it has been amazing

{Post # 10} And i know it may be a little of a long road. But i think we may be ok. As long as i can learn to handle my issues. And he learns that he can open up and talk to me. And that he needs to communicate with me.

It's wonderful that you have now had a resurgence of your sex life that helps to make you feel it is better than ever. But you are only talking about one night! Yes, your talks may have had the effect of relieving some tension for him. It is good that you also realize that all your problems are not yet solved.

Somehow I sense that you haven't reached a point where you "have accepted him" and "everything he is." You use the term "curious" and say you "have been with women before." That doesn't mean that you "get it" as you claim. I don't think you understand the difference between "curiosity" and "bisexuality." Since you indicate no current desire to pursue physical encounters with women, I will assume that your previous satisfied your "curiosity" and left you with the mindset that it wasn't of any further interest to you. This is not what you are dealing with as far as your boyfriend is concerned. You are "curious," he is "bisexual."

"Bisexuality" is the desire to have, and possibly having, emotional and/or physical intimacy with members of the same sex on an ongoing basis. It is a big step past curiosity. Your boyfriend has disclosed prior sexual contact with men and you recently became aware of his watching gay porn. Now you have added the discovery of emails [Post # 3: "And i looked in his e-mail. And there it was e-mails to men about relationships and what not."] His actions in watching gay porn and communications with men about relationships and what not (I'll assume a reference to having sex.) are clear indicators of his need for an emotional and/or physical relationship with men.

If you truly "get it" (the difference between "curiosity' and "bisexuality") and you have "accepted him and everything he is." you would not be asking how you can be sure he will not be hiding things from you in the future. You would be seeking information about how to integrate his encounters or relationships with other men into the relationship you have with him. Based on your posts and the email you sent me, it seems clear that his having sex with men in the future is not part of your total acceptance.

While there are many who do, the vast majority of non-bisexuals find it extremely difficult to understand that bisexuals can enjoy truly amazing sex lives with both men and women (possibly even transgendered individuals). Many bisexuals are even capable of having emotional, or loving, relationships with them in addition to the sex. Even more difficult for the non-bisexual to understand is that the bisexual can not only form such relationships instead of a normal heterosexual relationship, the can have them at the same time as a norman heterosexual relationship.

As I stated in the other thread, there are bisexuals who have been in, and currently maintain, monogamous heterosexual relationships. Sometimes they do so with great difficulty. Those who seem to be the most successful report having such good marriages and sex lives that they suppress their same-sex desires in favor of their marital relationship to ensure its continuance. Taking the chance of transient satisfaction is not worth the possible loss.

There are also those who cannot suppress the bisexual desires and act on them, keeping their activities hidden from their spouse. They report keeping things hidden and not having open communication because of their perception or fear that disclosure or discovery would bring about the end of their marriage. They often also report their knowledge or belief that their spouse would not understand, accept, or permit their bisexuality. There are often other factors such as social position, employment, family, religion, etc., that influence their decision in favor of non-disclosure. Their posts relating those factors and their secretive encounters often result in attacks about and long discussions of the issue of cheating.

Having already had two marriages that ended, at least in part, because of difficulties with your PTSD and bipolar conditions, you are well aware of how those conditions can create problems within your life. The mood swings, anxiety, fits of anger or depression, can be stressful for your, your children, and anyone else close to you even when you are following all of the advice of and properly using the medicines prescribed by your medical providers.

Unless you have truly accepted your boyfriend's bisexuality and totally accept all of its implications, including his continuing to maintain relationships with other men, you will continue to have problems with your relationship. Even if he agrees to a monogamous relationship with you and can successfully suppress his desires, you will experience increased anxiety when you are apart. You will want to know where he has been, who he has been with, what he has been doing, and whether or not what he tells you is the truth. If you actually ask him all the questions that develop in your mind it will cause tension between you. It will have a danger of leading him to think If I am going to be continuously accused of it, why not go ahead and do it. Any tension in your relationship caused by your medical condition or other factors can amplify your concerns and/or his reaction.

As you indicate, you have to learn to handle your own issues. In a committed relationship, he will have to learn to handle then, too. Just as your expect him to be open and honest with you, you will have to be the same with him.

Their is another option that you might not have considered. That would be continuing your association with your boyfriend, but in a non-exclusive, non-committed relationship. There is no way of knowing how that might work, but it is an option.

As you increase your communication with each other, accept and believe what he has to say. Do not try to verify it or check up on him. Stay away from his phone and emails. If there is any hope of a relationship working for you, it must be one based on total trust of each other. Yes, there is no guarantee, but clandestine investigations could destroy any progress you might make.

I hope it works out for you,

Pappy

[camomommy86]

Pappy
Thank you for all the insite that u have given me over the last couple days. It has helped me a lot. I have realized that there is a lot in me that needs to be fixed. And a lot of my problem is me. I mean if i would not have been so nosey and untrusting i would have never found out about all this stuff. Which i am glad i did find out about all of it. I am not so proud now of how i did it. I am going to focus on me right now. And me and him are going to work in between me working on me. And i realize i have a lot of trust issues. and i need to work on them. But i just dont know how to fully let go and not worry. I am trying to work on that. Cause i am not going to be able to make this work until i do that. Because sooner or later he is going to get tired of me not trusting him. And it is going to end things. So i need to learn to open up and trust people.