When will it get better??? ;-(

[Mrstreyme]

First I want all here to know I'm very accepting and have pretty much grew up with people of all sexual variations. So when I learned of my husbands gender issues a few years into our marriage I supported him completely and integrated his femme side into our lifestyle granted it did take a little time for me to truly understand what it was about. Over the years since then we have had multiple discussions about how it affected his sexual orientation and I was always reassured he had no interest in same sex unless en femme and that was only if the other person was dressed as well. We almost had a threesome but I couldn't go thru with it at the time so I did all I could to simulate another man (strap ons, etc)..... Fast forward a number of years and to make a long story short I found out he not only was he having sex with another man but had been for years after I had asked many times. Now I understand the reasons many men don't tell their significant others (not that it's an excuse in my opinion) but considering our past and how aaccepting I've been all along I don't feel he had any excuse for doing what he did>:-<.
So here we are a few months dOwn the road and although he's promised he won't mess around on me again! Here's my dilemma I offered to have 3somes even had potential man to meet with but hubby backed out??? Since finding out what he had been up to I've really just gone downhill emotionally seems like I am over sensitive and as much as I want to take what he says to be true I don't know how anymore? I want to talk to him about what happened and how we can work together to have both our needs met but he makes it really hard I never really know how he will take what I'm saying I don't know if it's me not presenting things right or he just doesn't care enough to listen.... I've pretty much begged him to just be honest if he has any doubt that he can be faithful to me so I can move on.... For those women who can be okay with their husbands out with others I don't know how u do it the best I can offer is a 3some which is better than nothing.
Aside from divorcing him which will be my only alternative if things don't get better soon I'd sure love to hear some suggestions? After all we've been through I hate to give up of course there are many good things but this is huge and hurting me more than I can ever express!

[Long Duck Dong]

betrayal of trust is one of the hardest things to work thru.... and in your case, a lot harder as you are trying to avoid a repeat of the situation and ya partner is dragging their feet.......

based around what you post, my first gut instinct is what is your partner unable to accept in himself, what is he at odds with ? that sounds strange considering your partner has been with other males, but its possible that he is ok with that as long as its discreet and seperate from the marriage....that he could end up dealing with conflicting issues if it becomes part of the marriage, and I assume that may be the case, based around what you say with his lack of communication....

some bisexual males have a need to * fuck and forget *, they do not want to come home and have their wives interested in knowing what happened, as the guy is not able to deal with what happened himself.... and that can also result in them not being able to open up and talk about the issue with their wives..... its normally a sign of a personal conflict in the person and may need counseling, the trouble there is that it still requires your partner to be honest and open with somebody....

there are a couple of other possibilities, one is that he tried something but got in too deep and found himself trapped by his own actions.... its something that is more common with indiscretion and affairs than most people realise.... and what was supposed to be a one off casual fling, turned into something more and longer lasting, the person wants to stop it and walk away but the trap is that they become * addicted * to the energy of the affair and its like trying to quit smoking in a sense.....
the other is that he is telling the truth, he has lost any interest in sex with other males cos his attraction level has swung back to mostly heterosexual, so he has no interest or desire in sex with other males....

rereading your post, you mention gender issues... and that opens another can of worms..... as the way he expresses himself with another male, may be totally different to the way he is around you.... and he may struggle a lot with that aspect of himself and be worried about how you may view him after seeing him in full fem mode with another male.....

personally, I believe that counseling may be needed for more than one issue.... the betrayal of trust is a big part, but something tells me that there is more going on that you may be unaware of... and its not so much sexual with him, its more to do with his understanding of himself and it is possible, based around your post and the mention of gender issues, that he may be struggling with his gender / sexuality identity and he is not really sure what he is, and until he can work that out, hes not able to talk with you about what is going on inside him

either way, something needs to be done for the sake of you both and your marriage, as it sounds like the marriage is not on the rocks and definitely able to be repaired....

[Randypan]

I was the male half of that equation at one time. I know that my biggest fear with being "totally" honest about the way I felt was her reaction. She was always very supportive but I feared any kind of negative reaction. I told her from the beginning that I was bi, however I kept from her just how "bi" I had been in the past. When I finally came clean, she signed me up on Bearforest.com and created an account here for us. For some reason tho, she could never get past the fact that I had been much more of a slut than she had been. That and my mismanagement of the finances ended our marriage. It all comes down to trust. He has broken trust with you but I would say he probably does not trust you, you can tell him until you are blue in the face that you are completely supportive but there is some part of him that does not believe it. Most likely because something in his own mind thinks what he is feeling is wrong so how could you possibly be as supportive as you say.

Sorry if I rambled there. Been a long day and I am missing the ex.

[Paddarick69]

very sad, dear... betrayal of trust is a very hard thing from which to recover no matter what the sexual orientation issues... the fact that he's kinda shutting down to the compromise solutions you offer isn't a good sign (most bisexual men, or at least me, would jump at the chance for a threesome with the woman he loves and the other gender that helps him feel fulfilled)... I also don't quite understand the wives who give sanction for hubby to go off on their own... I don't know of any suggestions but to ask pointblank, "do you want to end the marriage?"... "if you don't then how can we reach a solution?"... I wish you the best of luck, you must be in a lot of pain, I hope you find a way through it

[Mrstreyme]

First thank you all for your advise it's so nice to get fresh ideas even the ones that I don't want to hear. This is my second marriage and we are both over 40 although he's almost ten years my senior I don't want to start over again...
I agree that counseling would be the best option at this point both individually and together, we've been in the past but weren't ready funny I thought he was cheating on me then (I was right) but he denied it adamantly so just made sessions a disaster. I won't blame him for that failure I was using drugs so made an already bad situation wAy worse it now I'm seven years clean and ready to do whatever it takes. I just don't think counseling is an option right now as we've just moved to a very rural town, lost our insurance last month, and top on the list hubby has lost belief in it working for us:-(
Paddarck I have come out and asked him if we should just call it quits and he is very sure he doesn't want to lose me, his words "I'm not going anywhere, I'm stuck with him"!!!
If I could sum him up I'd say he's very.confused, I'd give anything to know what goes through his head just so I could try and help him sort things out. Randypan is right he doesn't trust me I recall many times when he's implies that despite my pleading that I love and accept him no matter what, yet he can't accept himself.....