Married bi-couples and "The Talk"

[fun4all2911]

Hi all. We are new to the site and so far love it. I've noticed a lot of people saying they are bi but the spouse doesn't know. My husband and I were previously married and he hid his desires from his ex, and I eventually told mine, and, depending on his mood it was a great thing or I was ruining the marriage (usually when he wasn't involved with my partner). My new husband and I were open from the start. I think my telling him I was bi from the very start gave him the freedom to be open with me, but we made that rule #1 in our relationship to start with...always be open with no judgement. I know this is always not the case and I suppose we are one of the lucky couples where we are free to explore and know the difference between our relationship and this part of our sex-life. My discussion with my ex, telling him I was bi, did not go over well to start with. It was exciting for him to think of me with another woman, but when it changed from fantasy to reality, he had a hard time. He didn't get that it had nothing to do with him....he satisfied me to a point.....but there was always that NEED. Anyway, I wondered about other couples....what is better? Being open or not opening that door? My husband and I have had no relationships with other couples (yet...we have met one on line and we are meeting them at some point when our schedules permit) but are sooooo looking forward to it. Also......WHY is it so hard to find bi-couples in Alberta LOL?????

[Realist]

Hi, Fun

Welcome to the site. I hope you find answers and friends with whom you can communicate.

From what I understand, Alberta has vast areas, of vast areas, with a small population. That may be a stumbling block to meeting like-minded others. There are other members, here, in Alberta, however.

You apparently have fond a fine mate, with whom you can share your interests and desires, while being totally honest. It's taken me way too long to find myself in the same situation and I hope your new husband and you find the peace and pleasure that comes from being yourself and being accepted for it.

Good luck!

[fredtyg]

fun4all asked, ".what is better? Being open or not opening that door?".

There's no question it's best to be open. The problem being many husbands or wives can't open that door for one reason or another. I've heard from dozens of bi guys that have been married- some for decades- and simply don't want to risk everything they have by telling what could be a hostile wife about their desires for men. They're stuck and some of them have to live that lie just about every day.

As for me, I can't imagine not being at least somewhat open. My wife never would have married me had she known I was queer. Of course, back then I figured my queer desires would go by the wayside once I was married. As most bi guys will affirm, they don't and mine didn't.

We never really had a conversation about it. I simply dropped hints over time, gradually getting a bit more obvious about it. At least now I can make a comment about a hot guy and not worry much about it. As far as her feelings, she seems accepting sometimes and very cold about it others. It depends on her mood. I don't push it and we never talk about it, but at least I don't have to feel like I'm always hiding something.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be some of the other guys I've heard from that have been married for decades, the wife doesn't know and they feel there's no way they can tell her. I'm very fortunate in that regard.

[dram1501]

Hi, Its not that I wouldn't like to tell my wife about my desires, I really would. but there is just too much at stake. Those of u who have wives that are also bi are really lucky. I would have no problem with my wife telling me she was bi or curious. That would be a dream come true. It would be much easier then to tell her.

[Paddarick69]

God I'm fortunate there was no girl I was SERIOUSLY interested in (and even a few I wasn't all that serious about) back in my 20s I didn't tell of my attraction to men... wife-to-be was one of them... so, while we're going through this thing about how deeply this runs in me lately and that has taken her aback somewhat, nothing is any surprise and nothing's fundamentally changed and she still loves her Paddy and wants me forever... the benefits of honesty FROM THE GET-GO are MULTIFOLD!!!

[fredtyg]

This really is a tragic situation with so many guys- many married for decades- that can't tell the person they live with about such a big part of themselves. I really feel sorry for them as there isn't any easy out for many of them.

[Paddarick69]

I agree, Fred, it really is, like, mournfully sad... I'm not prone to heavy-duty pity but my heart can't help but go out to such people... I die thinking I couldn't tell my wife who I am or what I feel

[dram1501]

I think its easy to armchair from each person's point of view but u can't really live in anyones unique situation.

[bityme]

Anyway, I wondered about other couples....what is better? Being open or not opening that door?

I agree, open, honest communication with absolute, full disclosure is the best. It's also best if the disclosure is before the marriage. My heart goes out to those who finally reach a point during the marriage that they take the step. Of course, the length of the marriage is certainly a factor, but not having made the disclosure before hand or discovering your bisexuality afterward brings with it a whole set of problems.

From what I have seen in this forum and others, as well as personal observations, the hardest issue to overcome is the honesty issue. A late disclosure of anything can trigger that conflict, whether it be sexual orientation, or prior relationships, or spending money. Once that honesty flag is raised, it makes everything else harder because the unsuspecting spouse becomes concerned that the lack of disclosure means dishonesty and the initial reaction is that the dishonesty extends to other areas. So immediately, you also have to over come their lack of belief that they are still loved. Seems like the prevalent belief is that if you have any attraction to someone other than the spouse it means your love for them is lessened. This can be either because of a same sex or opposite sex attraction.

IMHO the idea that one person completes another has always been a problem for relationships. I believe were are complete in and of ourselves. Finding the match that compliments us is the ideal. We all seem to realize that everyone has some type of interest that our mate will not be involved in like hunting, fishing, sewing, pottery, etc., and that's OK, EXCEPT when it comes to sex. It is surprising how fulfilling it is when two people also come to understand that some aspects of sex can be viewed as a recreational activity and can be enhanced by the inclusion of others.

There are many areas in which this enhancement can bring great pleasure. It's obvious that it is just impossible to provide your mate with all the various types of stimulation they enjoy at the same time. Two people cannot perform intercourse and oral sex at the same time, but the thought of it is certainly enticing. I never met a couple, heterosexual or otherwise, who did not indicate (if the subject came up) that they would not enjoy it. The problem is who performs the oral component while they are having intercourse. Almost any man would be happy with an extra lady's attentions, but with a heterosexual couple, the extra man is not even subject to discussion.

No doubt about it, the best of both worlds is when both parties are Bi. Not just Bi and understanding of their partner's bisexuality, but Bi and being enthused about the other's bisexuality, wanting it for them as additional stimulation their partner enjoys, being turned on themselves by seeing the other giving pleasure to or receiving it from another, participating with them so their partner enjoys the opportunity to receive multiple forms of stimulation at the same time.

Let's face it, there are only a few things that, absent toys, a M/F couple can't do. The man can't perform fellatio on a real cock or receive anal. A woman can't perform cunnilingus or receive a DP or DVP. Those require an additional man. A woman can't receive cunnilingus from another woman or enjoy the soft curves of a woman's form. Those require another woman. There are certainly others.

It is only with truly open and honest communication that we can reach a point of truly disclosing our needs, desires and fantasies to each other. Once we are able to do that and our relationship is secure enough that both parties know, and truly believe, that inclusion of others in our pursuit of carnal pleasure can become a stimulating, exciting time of enjoyment without detracting from, but actually enhancing our relationship as a couple.

I realize that inclusion of others is not for everyone. I am not suggesting that it is necessary for anyone, even bisexuals. I know that there are many who would be happy with just having the freedom to enjoy their bisexual explorations apart from their mate. While my wife and I are free to do that, we haven't because we find much more enjoyment in being a part of the other's explorations and having each other a part of our explorations.

Again, no question about it being open is the best. If the door is open, you can see a whole new world unfold before you. The extent to which you explore that new world is another question altogether.

Pappy

[Golfbear]

Fredtyg, What you have written is very much what my situation is, I have a wonderful wife whom I love dearly, and with regards to sex, I am the only person she hae ever been with, and although I would like her to try different things, I respect her for not wanting to perform them, I have dropped many hints and she knows I have visited gaysites. she has sometimes said is he your type, when a closet is mentioned I reply still trying to get out, I would really love to tell her, maybe deep down she knows but I dont know if I could tell her,
it would probably destroy her, thats to much that I would want to lose....
Although I agree wholey what has been said in this post by yourself and others ,,,its really down to each individual what they think is best for them..............

[fun4all2911]

Wow, what a great response. We are lucky and my heart goes out to all in the "don't ask, don't tell" situations. I know for me it was watching porn where two girls were together and him just seeing how turned on I was that opened up the conversation. But not all women will watch porn LOL. I guess there is never a good time, never a good opening line. I was in my first marriage for 19yrs and with him for 21, but it took me almost 10 years to tell him and have my first relationship with a woman. I loved what Bityme wrote, and in todays society I think it is a little easier for the new generation to talk and act openly. Lucky them LOL

[bicplinga81]

luckily for me my spouse is bi and knows i am as well and we have had some really good meetings with other bi couples. my wife has encouraged and supported my panty fetish and my craving for same sex contact just as i have her. without the honesty i doubt either of us would as outgoing and carefree