Confused and Feeling Lost

[confusedwife219]

Well, I certainly never thought I'd be asking for advice from a website like this. But hey, it couldn't hurt right? So here's my story: Been married to my high school sweetheart for 3 years, before that we dated for 6. I've known and loved him for a total of 9 years. Everything, with the exception of our sex life, was perfect. He was my best friend and what I thought to be my soul mate. In 2006, he asked me to marry him. Fast-forward 3 years and we had our wedding. Currently, we are still together and I sti love him and he says he loves me. We love each other so much that just recently we decided we wanted to start a family. Nothing much has changed since our high school days. Like I said, our sex life isn't exactly where I want it to be, with us most recently having sex only for procreation purposes. I always attribute his lack of sexual desire to be due to an anti-depressant he's been on for the past 11 years. But he promised to work on it, and said he would try to fix it. Well, this past Sunday I was in the mood and I though a little morning romp would be fun. We tried, but it didn't seem to work. Of course, feeling rejected again, we got into a fight. To make a long story short, my husband wound up telling me that he is bisexual. He said he found this out after we got married, but he still loves me and wants a future and family with me. He said he never acted on those feelings and has no desire to do so. The only person he wants to be with is me. I believe him, and at first I was ok with it. I said I didn't think we were the only couple to deal with this and that we would find a way around it. But then it set in. A couple days later it hit me. I was married to man who liked both men and women. I questioned him a lot, asking him if he was sure he wasn't gay and only using me as a cover. He comes from a very religious family who look down on such feelings. He has reassured me that that is not the case and that he is definitely bi. But the thing is that I love him so much and do want a future and family together but I'm having difficulty accepting this reality. Everytime a show comes on and "gay" or "bi" is mentioned I think of him. I can't watch movies with sexy make actors in them without thinking he is fantasizing about them. And this bothers me. I'm afraid that when we have sex he will be thinking of another man. Being raised Catholic myself, I have never really been a supporter of this type of lifestyle. But like I said I still love him and want to be with him I just don't know how to overcome these feelings I have. He doesn't want anyone to know, as he said he was ashamed of the feelings. He also said it might just be a phase he's going thru. Obviously the baby-making plans are on hold for the time being. Please give me your advice. I don't want to be criticized or anything. This is very difficult for me. All I need are just some ways to help get over my strange and confusing feelings in which I described. Thank you!
.

[falcondfw]

Confused,

Wow. Difficult situation.

In fairness to your hub, he truly may not have even suspected he was bi until after you got married. My question is, what triggered this new found knowledge? Online porn? Or something more?

I did not know until after I was married to my first wife for 12 years. When I told her, her reaction was much like yours. She tried to deal with it and for one week, we had the best and most frequent sex of our marriage. After that week, everything shut down completely. Now I finally understand why. She was raised a very strong (almost Charismatic) Roman Catholic. Very strict upbringing. Catholic schools. etc. I suspect she had the same secondary reaction you did. And since we already had other problems in our marriage, everything together made the marriage unsavable.

I think the best way for you to deal with your feelings would just be truly open and honest discussion with a non-judgmental spouse (if he can be trusted to be non-judgmental). Barring that, I would suggest you go to a catholic religious-based counselor that has an open and non-judgmental character. Since hub wants things kept on the downlo, I would suggest you DON'T go to a parish priest/counselor, even if you are thinking of going to a parish that is well away from where your friends and family worship.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok take a real deep breath, my dear and let the tears flow........

a lot of what you are going through, is normal for partners of bi people... and for hubby, coming out to you, is a huge step for him too..... so I want you to take his hand and hold it, in the same way that you have been holding each others hands for the time you have knew each other....

ok, anti depressants and depression can affect the sex drive and sexual function, its awkward and embarrassing...and when things are not as good as they could be, it can affect the depressive state of the person as well, resulting in them sinking lower into a depressive state....... another thing that can happen, is that a repressed bisexual nature can emerge because of the meds... a bit like the saying that a drunk person tells the truth more cos they are too drunk to remember to lie lol......

bisexuality can also influence depression, the stress of * hiding themselves, repressing the sexuality * are more common in depressed people than most people know....so there is the possibility that talking with your hubby and his openness about his sexuality, may lead to a lift in his spirits and a easing of the depression.......

confused, hun... you are married to a man that find men and women attractive.... how many times have you envied the way a woman looks in a dress or a hair style or some other aspect of appearance that makes them stand out to you...... its much the same for bisexuals.... we can look at males and females and see much the same as you do... our levels of interest and attraction differ... but we are much the same as you, in that we have likes and dislikes based on looks, appearance, personality, clothings, bill gates wallet......and its not always sexual or or erotic dreams......

sit down with ya hubby and talk with him as you both watch a show on tv about what you find attractive about different people, you may well find that you share similar interests in tastes and thats another reason why hubby and you are together.. and never knew it.... its like a unspoken attraction and that can open a new area of the relationship for you both to share your interests in the privacy of your own home...... I have heard stories about partners where one was bisexual and the other not, and when they started to talk about attractions, it became a very fun experience......
could you imagine sitting on the couch with hubby and seeing some guy on tv and asking hubby what he thought, and having hubby say that if he wanted chicken legs, he would go to KFC ?
so there is definately a chance for you both to share the experience as a fun learning experience, which is actually very benefical for both partners as it can help hubby feel more relaxed and settled about your reaction to him being bisexual....

the next thing on the list, is listening to hubby and hearing what they want and do not want... interest in people other than their partner, is something that is often pushed as a natural aspect of coming out for a bisexual...... but that is true only of the bisexuals that have a interest in doing that, so the words you want to listen to there, are hubbies... as he knows best what he is thinking, feeling and wanting.... and if that changes, you will be the first person he will tell.... and based on what I have read, he is fine with the marriage the way it is.... so embrace that and trust him on that.......

unless hubby indicates a desire to experiment with another male, its best not to worry about opening up the relationship, as that gives you both time to work thru what you both already are dealing with.. and not having the added burden, is actually a blessing, not a curse...... if you started worrying about him seeking another lover, it can become a situation where you worry about it so much, you can end up pushing him to do it, to ease your own worries... and that just creates more issues......

he may well be right, it may be a phase he is going thru, a imbalance with the meds may have triggered things in him, they may have not.... its hard to say without knowing what hubby is refering to by the phase.....but trust his judgement.... and if possible, check with a doctor about the sexual issues..... the bisexuality can be a aspect of his personality and the meds will not really affect that, but they can affect the way his bisexuality can present itself.....

you are a valuable partner to hubby, its something he needs you to hear, know and feel... and its something I will reinforce... you are his partner, and now you can make or break him cos of what he has shared with you......that takes a lot of trust in a partner.. and when a bisexual person reaches the point in the relationship when they come out to a partner, its often been a fight between the desire to be honest with the partner they love and the fear they will lose the partner they love..... the fact that he came out to you, shows a strong level of trust in you and the marriage......


so wrap your arms about ya hubby, give him a kiss so deep that you are tickling his tonsils and than tell him how lucky you are to have a hubby that loves you and trusts you enuf to be honest with you...

the fact that he wants to remain discreet and closeted..... just nod, smile and hug him.... nobody else needs to know, just you and hubby.....

on a side note,... you mention that there are issues in the bedroom, and I am assuming its got to do with the depression and the meds...... check with a doctor that the dosage and type is correct for hubby, even if you have to go with him.....

the reason I am saying that, is that after you check the meds, there are some natural herbs and toys that can be used in the bedroom to enhance things for you both, without replacing hubby with a BOB ( battery operated boyfriend / vibrator :tongue: )... that is a path that you both can explore together.....and we can offer suggestions for you both to try......

depression has the added advantage that it can actually make sex interesting cos depression can shift and when the mood hits, you could be in the shower, the kitchen, the lounge and hubby may just put a smile on your face, so bear that in mind........ ahhh just not in the middle of the supermarket during busy hour..... people tend to block the aisles when they do things like that.....

hugs....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, always keep the lines of coomunication flowing, never stop discussing it. It may be time to see a counsilor to discuss this openly and truthfully. We cannot help who we areits just a part of us inside. Trying to keep it hidden and denying, and supressing the feelings can only lead to more depression and possibly eventually, resentment. You dont want to bring a baby into that....
Get the 'problem' solved first, then try later on for a family. Ya'll gotta get You fixed first before making other larger steps.
Big hugs to you both.
Cat
Ever'body's feline..:}

[FinkDoodle]

I'm not attempting to criticize here, but I would like to point out that part of the issues you're dealing with appear to be your own prejudices and somewhat narrow thinking - at least from what you've communicated in your original post. . . . for example, if a hot looking guy is on TV you fear that he may be fantasizing about that actor or thinking of men while he's having sex with you. I have to ask . . if it doesn't even cross your consciousness that he may occasionally fantasize about hot ACTRESSES on TV (as most men do,) why are you so concerned that he MAY cast an eye at an attractive man? Especially someone that, in all probablility he will never even MEET let alone hook up with . . Further, if he fantasizes about another WOMAN during sex with you (again, as MANY men do) why isn't that a threat? Why are you only concerned about his thoughts about other males?

I bring this up because, in my experience, the one major issue that non-lifestyle females have with bisexual men is that they are blindsided by the sudden realization that, as straight women, they have no idea how to compete with other men. Every woman knows how to handle a female invader to their relationship, in principle at least, if not in actual experience, but to be suddenly confronted with the idea that there's a potential competition that you were never really "trained" for is at the very least offputting and can rattle someone to their very core.

Again - this is not a criticism, and I bring it up only to suggest that it's an issue you may want to learn to deal with if you're ever going to be comfortable with your husband's bisexuality, as it's not exactly practical to be second-guessing what he's thinking every time you pass a guy on the street.

Many men enjoy bisexuality just for the variety in the sex and are not necessarily attracted to other men on a deep emotional level. This too is not a concept some women can wrap their head around, as they've been brainwashed to think casual sex is "slutty" or some other such negative connotation. For many bi men, it's more of a combination of comfort and bonding and doesn't go deeper than that.

Above all, please keep the lines of communication open between yourselves in both directions. The religious upbringing on both sides can be a large complication to get around but most of those prejudices were designed and implimented by a really screwball group of men more than a thousand years after the Bible was supposedly "written." If you actually read the Bible, the only supposed reference to homosexuality being "an abomination" is literally listed in the same paragraphs with other "abominable" actions . . which include eating shellfish and getting tattoos.

But that's another story . .

[outintheworld]

Well, I certainly never thought I'd be asking for advice from a website like this. But hey, it couldn't hurt right? So here's my story: Been married to my high school sweetheart for 3 years, before that we dated for 6. I've known and loved him for a total of 9 years. Everything, with the exception of our sex life, was perfect. He was my best friend and what I thought to be my soul mate. In 2006, he asked me to marry him. Fast-forward 3 years and we had our wedding. Currently, we are still together and I sti love him and he says he loves me. We love each other so much that just recently we decided we wanted to start a family. Nothing much has changed since our high school days. Like I said, our sex life isn't exactly where I want it to be, with us most recently having sex only for procreation purposes. I always attribute his lack of sexual desire to be due to an anti-depressant he's been on for the past 11 years. But he promised to work on it, and said he would try to fix it. Well, this past Sunday I was in the mood and I though a little morning romp would be fun. We tried, but it didn't seem to work. Of course, feeling rejected again, we got into a fight. To make a long story short, my husband wound up telling me that he is bisexual. He said he found this out after we got married, but he still loves me and wants a future and family with me. He said he never acted on those feelings and has no desire to do so. The only person he wants to be with is me. I believe him, and at first I was ok with it. I said I didn't think we were the only couple to deal with this and that we would find a way around it. But then it set in. A couple days later it hit me. I was married to man who liked both men and women. I questioned him a lot, asking him if he was sure he wasn't gay and only using me as a cover. He comes from a very religious family who look down on such feelings. He has reassured me that that is not the case and that he is definitely bi. But the thing is that I love him so much and do want a future and family together but I'm having difficulty accepting this reality. Everytime a show comes on and "gay" or "bi" is mentioned I think of him. I can't watch movies with sexy make actors in them without thinking he is fantasizing about them. And this bothers me. I'm afraid that when we have sex he will be thinking of another man. Being raised Catholic myself, I have never really been a supporter of this type of lifestyle. But like I said I still love him and want to be with him I just don't know how to overcome these feelings I have. He doesn't want anyone to know, as he said he was ashamed of the feelings. He also said it might just be a phase he's going thru. Obviously the baby-making plans are on hold for the time being. Please give me your advice. I don't want to be criticized or anything. This is very difficult for me. All I need are just some ways to help get over my strange and confusing feelings in which I described. Thank you!
.


I don't quite agree that she may be biphobic as insinuated in other posts. I feel she is more worried that since he's not "performing" sexually for her and has low desire for her, but yet finds an attraction to men, that means he is hiding being gay. Just like I am sure before he came out as bisexual, She possibly worried about him being attracted to different women. It's not an abnormal concern for someone in a relationship to worry "Something's not quite right" when the sex is affected and its not due to health/or lack of in the prostate.

I would like to know what kind(s) of Antidepressants he has been on in the 11 years and also his diagnosis that requires use of them. Antidepressants are well known for ruining labido. Its one of the major complaints about them from men and women and the number 1 reason people will stop or change type of med before therapeutic levels are reach in the brain system.

I, myself, have been on 3 different antidepressants just this year. Prozac made me "high" like on a cocaine binge (one hour sleep a night, and non stop moving and racing thoughts) and killed my libido instantly. Zoloft made me tired and killed my libido even worse. Now I take Viibryd. Libido is back, 3/4's of what is was before I started the med wrangle. But it also has other side effects as do all Antidepressants.

Even though they don't put it out front in the side effect list. Prolactin levels (Which are normally low in men and women who aren't lactating) can raise and sometimes men will get some boobage and women will have some breast swelling or milk in their breasts though they aren't feeding. But in saying this I am just pointing out that hormones can/may be affected with certain drugs or drug combinations.

Even prescription meds for nausea have been known to do this.


So I suggest that he get his meds re-examined by his Phsych. Not a MD, but a Psych. Might be time for him to get some blood work done. And a good Psych will listen to how you don't like a side effect and how it affects your life, so they will dispense a different one, to quell that concern. There are options out there that aren't a total libido killer.

I'm sure that he's disappointed that his meds affect him that way and it hurts his pride and ego as much as it hurts yours. But when a med kills desire there's not much they can apologize for. It's a med for a disease he did nothing to cause. I have read in medical forums where men can't get erections at all, or may only get half hard, or get hard and the second it gets hard it starts to go soft again.

Its something worth looking into anyway, to improve the sexual aspect of your relationship. You'll both feel better about yourselves and each other and in that will lie a stronger bond to discuss and adventure through his bisexual discovery.


Good luck to you both.


P.S. Sex isn't something that should have fights started over it. When he's can't perform for you, Perform for yourself. Its a great opportunity to learn about your body and try different ways to pleasure yourself. You won't get the "bonding" feeling from couples sex. But it will relieve the stress and tension that builds up. *coughs* nice dildo *Coughs* Hitachi ..... Damn allergies. *Innocent face

[DuckiesDarling]

Hugs, Confused. The fact he is talking to you about this shows how much he values you, please do not let things that haven't happened color your thinking. He is telling you that he only wants to be with you so work with him, use fantasies, incorporate things you wish you had done all along. The fact you said that all along the sex was a bit lacking can be concerning but only if you don't act on trying to improve it.

The meds may be playing a major factor here but underlying causes may be why he was depressed and on the meds to begin with, it seems like a merry go round and you are not sure how to get off it, my advice for now, is just hang on, keep talking and try to enjoy the ride.

[Paddarick69]

you have to have time and space to mourn the death of your marriage as you always thought it to be, pure and simple, and while he needs alot of understanding right now you, too, need it in return... you paint a portrait of a good man so that process may go relatively smoothly... only you can decide whether it's in you to continue the marriage but it might help you to come to terms with it by remembering his being honest with you has already separated him from 90% of the men in his position whose wives will never know a thing as they crawl out to get it elsewhere... if you choose to stay some acknowledgment of his sexual nature will HAVE to be made... you're gonna have to visit the sex shop and get some interesting devices at the very least! hhaha can't believe I said that... anyway, darling, remember: take a deep breath, it's not the end of the world, he still loves women in all those ways, YOU IN FACT!! and if you promise to always say what you're both feeling and vow to face whatever it all means together you've got the makings of a fine family man who will value your acceptance as the most precious gift any woman has ever given him

[Bishyguy1958]

I can tell you that my wife and I are going through this same thing RIGHT now! She recently found out I'm bi, and it is killing her!

And for no reason. I've always had these feelings, and my passion was just as high. It's only been the past few years that I'm having more and more gay/bi thoughts, and as I'm learning to deal with those thoughts, nothing has changed toward her. Her only response is that "You need help". I don't need help... I need understanding.

I realize that this isn't EXACTLY the same situation as you have, but at least you can see you certainly aren't alone, but any means. DO continue to talk to us. This is a GREAT site, with a lot of GREAT people (With the occasional whackjob a**hole) and we can at least give you an understanding ear.

Feel free to send me a private message, too.

Scott

[confusedwife219]

Everyone...thanks so much for all the support! I've taken into account everything you all have said and me and the hubby are going to work thru this. Thanks again!

[Jobelorocks]

I am glad you are working through it with him. I am a bisexual woman married to a straight man. Trust me when I say, I love my husband very much and I love no other. I do not think of women when we are having sex and would never participate in any sexual activity that made him uncomfortable. Bi people are just normal people who are attracted to both genders. I am sure even though you are married, you still find other men attractive other than your husband. That is no different than bisexuals. We are just attracted to both genders.

[falcondfw]

Confused,
I have several difficult questions for you. You have been with him for 9 years. He has been on anti-depressants for 11 years.

1. Has the sex life always been "not exactly where you want it to be"?

2. Was he put on the anti-depressants by a psychologist/psychiatrist? or by a regular doctor?

3. Has he been checked very carefully (MRI, CATscan, etc.) for heart and circulatory issues?

4. Was he your first?

5. Do you read romance novels, etc.?

Allow me to explain.

#1. If the sex has always been "bad", it is a very distinct possibility that the problem is being caused by his meds.

#2. It is ok if the anti-depressants were prescribed by a regular doc, but for a depression problem, he should find a good psychiatrist. This requires a specialist. You wouldn't hire a plumber to work on your car, even though they both use wrenches. And a psychiatrist will be more familiar with these kinds of meds and their side effects. If he is already seeing a psychiatrist, either he needs to have an open talk with the psych about the effects the meds are having or maybe it is time for a second opinion?

#3. Bedroom problems are often the first indicator of heart or circulatory problems. Even though he is young, he could still have heart problems. Remember Hank Gathers from Loyola Marymount died on the Basketball court about 10 years ago. He was only around 21 and in fantastic physical shape. He died of heart arythmia (yes, I know I probably spelled it wrong). My point is, heart disease knows no age restrictions. It can be inherited. If you eliminate the Physical issues and you eliminate the medicine issues, then the problem is in his head, whether it is fear of failing to perform or other things. Those can be dealt with later.

#4. If he was your first, no offense meant, but how do you know what the bedroom life should be like? Each person is different. Porn is not a reflection of how sex should be. Friends have different needs and desires than you and hubby. If your desires are based on just what you want, with no outside influence, have you sat down with him and told him what you need? How is the communication in the bedroom? Do you help show him what feels good to you?

#5. Kinda relates to number 4. Those stupid books give women absolutely crazy ideas of how a sex life should be. My ex-wife actually told me that she felt we shouldn't have sex every day, because it would be more special if we waited. When I pressed her as to what gave her this idea, she said it was her romance novel and that the idea made sense to her. I could deal with it when the sex was every other day. But by the end of our marriage, it was about once every six months. That is part of the reason I am glad I am divorced. Bedroom incompatibility can make for a VERY stressful marriage, even if the marriage lasts.

[elian]

Depending on just how devout you and hubby are, he may have an unhealthy sense of self from someone telling him that a fundemental part of who he is is "wrong". In my teen years I've had men tell me that I was a worthless pussy that wouldn't amount to anything. I've had people that I look up to make it known that a man who likes other men is better off dead. it took me about 15 years to work through those issues and realize that I could either be happy, or not. I'm sorry if the church doesn't agree with it, but this is the way I am. God made me this way so that I would understand what it was like to be treated like a minority..he gave me the (painful) gift of an open mind. People don't ask to be born male or female. They don't ask to be born white, black, yellow, brown.. They just are..and all people are worthy of divine love and compassion the same as any other part of creation.

People always make that joke about doubling your chances for a date, but I think that is far from reality, being bi can actually very confusing and painful when you've been told all of your life that you can only be ONE way.

Your husband LOVES YOU.

For me, bisexuality isn't really about the sex at all - I LOVE people for the content of their character, not what is between their legs. In a world filled with so many hurting people, being able to love ANYONE is actually a blessing, although because of the way MEN treat same sex attraction it it is perceived as something to be ashamed of. I am single, and it is true that I find certain men and women attractive, but ultimately I would like to settle down with one companion.

I would definately have him look at the medication if he thinks it might be affecting his libido.

I wouldn't worry so much about what other people think, God loves both of you for being just the way you are..that's good enough eh?

I think the original plan for me was something much like what you envisioned, my life has taken a different turn - enough so that God has said, "I just want you to be happy".

If you do both want children very much, and you can work through this issue, support each other and provide a loving stable home..if it is the right thing to do it may still happen. Whatever happens hold each other with respect, love and compassion - the divine power of love is the only thing that is strong enough to stand up to the biggest challenges in this world.

[CurEUs_Male]

I went (am still going) through a similar 'coming out' to my wife, and dealing with the fall out. We have had a bit of a rocky road since I first brought up the idea, about 18 years into our marriage. I only wish she had stopped to find a group like this to talk with instead of some of the reactions she had, and did not share with me.

All the advice written here is perfect! I know my wife and I both felt a strong connection to the OP and all the responses as we read through this thread.

Communication is key. Avoid being at all negative as that shuts down communication. You two care vert deeply about each other, so keep that foremost. Consider this something that you will explore together, and just see where it brings you.

Best of luck with whichever direction you find yourselves traveling!

[rutemptedalso]

Going through the same thing myself. I told my wife about my childhood experiences and same sex attraction about two years ago. She freaked just the same as she did when I tried to tell her not long after we were married. We still love each other and have been married for thirty years. We have three kids still living at home. I can't imagine not having my wife in my daily life. I don't think my wife will ever allow me to have a relationship with anyone else male or female. I was raised in a Christian home but wasn't really taut the Bible. Maybe I just wasn't listening or was burned out from being dragged to Church every time the doors were open. I thought when I became a Christian my desires would go away. There still as strong now as they ever were. Just the fact that someone else know how I feel helps. I've held it in all my life. My wife still isn't able to talk about it easily but I know I have help when I need it.
That's my advise to you whether you allow him to have a partner or not. Just be there when he needs you and don't be afraid of it. If you love each other it will be ok. If he loves you and you let him be the man of the house he will walk through fire for you. Just in case your marriage doesn't make it.....Thanks for waiting to have a family.