I am a gay man .my bisexual husband become hetrosexual now

[Mmhihi]

first of all ..please be understanding of my poor english .and thank for reading my situation .
and I would be grataful. if some one can give me some advise or tell me your experience

I am being with my husband for 12 years already .till last years we are merried .
I remenber 12 years ago he told me he can have sex with girl .
but he never have the intention to try . and he don't wanna try
till 3 years ago he went with his straight friend to paid to have sex with girl .
after that he is Regularry doing it .
but he still fell man are sexual atractive to him .
9 months ago.he had a Conversation with his female colleagues.
he mention that he is also into girl .
at the same day . his female colleagues told him that she has crush on him already for a long time .
Quickly ..they are crazy in love .they found out they fit each other in so many way .
the life style .the humor .the role play .and the sex .

a quick story about her ....
she were also merried .her husband is 20 years older then her .
it's her second merriage .she met her second hasband because she was bankrupt in her first marriage .
and had an huge debt
in her first marriage she met her secand man .and leave her first marrage behind .
for the security....she has being honest to my hasband for the reason why she merried to her second husband .

also her brother didn't talk to her anymore after what she did ..

but now she is able to live alone .
she leave her second husband 3 weeks ago and and start her new life
the first time in her life live withouth men beside her .it for her own life and part of reason for my husband

that's not the poing on this toppic ..
I just want to mention it because this may be the part of reason my husband still not leave me to her

after my husband met her .the desire he have for men is geting less and less . till now is almost gone .
sometime it came back he said . ..but happening less and less ..
2 months ago he told me he still look at men in the gym and image of sucking thier cook .
1 month ago I can still make him have a hard one by kiss him .and licking his back .
but lots of time it's end up he has to close his eyes and image of girl to cum .
3 weeks ago when he were on holiday .he was Unexpected asked me to be in him ..

but after we back from holiday .after our holiday.
after i allow him to meet her more often and go out with her as she live alone now .
I notice that the last month I am more and more difficult to make him hard ..

my husband still love me very deeply .and so am I .and he found that no one is more understanding him then me .
at this momnet he want to stay with me not with her .....but he can not stop fantasy how is life to be live with women ..
beside he can not leave me and seeing my hart broken
he is also afried his felling for men will come back when he decide to spend his life with her .
she said she can not allow him to have sex with other women ..not even men .
she said if my husband chose her .then must 100% chose her ..well ...lucky me ...

me and my husband talk alot what he want and how can I help him .
at this moment i have to share him ..
buthe can not stay with her over night ..it's make me sleeplees all night .I can not stand this kind of life
I have to spend a long time to convince him that how better is if he stay with me and spend our life together then with women. .
but evertime after he went out with her and back to me ..he is confuse agaiin ..
I fell I am loss of my energy .I fell I am so weak to keep him ..
am I wrong that I let him go often to her ..is that why he is less and less interersted in me ?

[Long Duck Dong]

I will give you the same advice I would give anybody........

your husband needs to sit quietly, alone and work out what is changing in him.... as it sounds like a shift in his sexual attractions and desires, from males to females...something that can be a aspect of sexuality......

while talking with him is fine, he needs to work himself out as well, and having sex with both people is fine, but if its adding to his confusion, then its not going to help much.....

it is possible that he may need to talk with a counselor, NOT cos there is anything wrong with him but because it can be a way to get a independent and neutral outside view point and that may help him settle better and understand better, what is causing the conflict within himself and a lot of what can be conflicting in your husband, is that he is used to his lifestyle and he has changed, so he is being torn between you, your marriage, his love for you, his desire to be with you and in the marriage and the shift in him with his desires to have a female partner ......so it is more than just a sexual thing, far more.....

having to close his eyes and think of somebody else, while making love with you, can be a very hard thing for some people as it can feel like a form of betrayal.... the fact that he has been so honest about aspects like that, is a very positive thing even if the idea that he is doing that, can seem to be bad, as it shows that he is talking honestly and openly with you and respecting you as his partner.....

I know this may be hard to do, but you both, actually all three of you, need to sit down and talk and see if a compromise can be reached between you all, such as a poly relationship or something along those lines, as that will help ease a lot of the issues and allow you and your husband to work thru this together and continue your marriage, while embracing the changes.....

one bit of advice I have to share and it is not nice advice.... lay off the pressure on your husband and stop trying to convince him that he will be happier with you and you alone, without women, as you are hurting yourself with your own worries and putting that on your husband, and while your fears and concerns are very real and valid, they are not helping your husband as he can end up feeling like he has to stay with you in order for you to be happy, when you are not happy yourself as you get your husband all to yourself but you still have to deal with the understanding that he has changed and is no longer the person you married.......it can be a reason why a lot of relationships and marriages end....

so in short.... give him time to find himself, explore himself and learn more about himself, but he needs to take that time away from both you and the woman, in order to do that.....as he needs to not be distracted by sex or talking... he needs to relearn about himself and then he will be able to know better, what has changed, how, where and why... and work with you and the woman to find a compromise if one is possible... but it will take all 3 of you to reach that compromise and understanding.....

[void()]

Honey, I feel badly for you. I can only suggest open and honest communication. You both need to compromise and establish ground rules, guidelines.

My wife jokingly quips when we are together privately that she worries about losing me to another man. The truth of the matter is she can play outside our marriage too. One of our key guidelines is found in what we both say. "I always come home to you."

And in knowing that we each find assurance. We both meet prospective lovers. We both have to feel 'right'. For example, I'm not letting her go out with someone that sends up my psycho alarm. She is the same with me. We love one another and look out for each other. We also do not knowingly help cheaters to cheat.

It sounds like this lady may be a manipulator from what you say of her past. I do not know and can only speculate. If she is, hold on tight to your man. But also give him freedom to see her for what she is himself. Until he can see it, he'll continue barking up that tree.

Void gives a friendly sympathetic hug. Hope you guys can get things sorted out.

[Realist]

Mmhihi,

First, welcome to the site.

I hope you can find the answers you need, here...or anywhere.

I think you did the right thing, by allowing your husband to be with the girl. The more you try to hold a lover down, the more they will want to go!

Reading your description of your husband's girlfriend, makes me believe that she wants to change him into the man she wants him to be....not who he really is!

You can't make his decisions for him, but I know your heart is breaking.

I feel the girl is trying to take over his life and has already set barriers for him. If he is truly bisexual, he may stay straight with her, for a while.....but, after the newness of their relationship wears off, he may want to be with men again.

Hopefully, this is only a phase he's going through, but you should be prepared to lose him, at least for a while. I would not be surprised if he will want to come back to you some day!

The question is: Do you want to sit around and wait for him to make his mind up?

I feel your pain and hope these problems are solved, soon.

Good luck!

[Mmhihi]

thanks for the advices guys
my husband asked me to turst him ..he said his felling for men is gone now ..but it's must come back again ..but he don't know when .
he want to be with me because he don't wanna change his life .
he is felling lucky with me now .
and he really love me .
he is still often think about how nice will be if she live together with this lady .
but my husband is too afried he will be in Trouble if his felling for men is back .
and
he think he can have Monogamy relastionship with lady now ..but he also don't know for how long it's will be


I guess he is only desire for women for now .
it's must be also a big part come from he is deeply in love with this lady .
that is why have sex with women become very nice for him now .
I can fell that this lady is very sweet and she is get alone very well with my husband ..as my husband told me
love is blind .this lady dose not do anything at home in her second marrige .
few days ago she and my husband went out together to buy the Furniture
this lady said that she don't want to take too much Property fome her ex-husband .
because it's her decison to be divorce .
if it's her husband's decison .then she will take everthing from the huise ..
she was always been check her husband's cellphone and e-mail if she can find something ..but there was alway's nothing
but all those thing don't change my husband's love for her ...as what i said .
she is a very sweet to my husbad .
and she is also a very emotional and sensitive ..all those think attract my husband a lot


this lady is deeply in love with my husband too ..
they were once had dinner in a simple chinese Restaurant .this lady start to cry .
and told my husband she cry because she fell so lucky to be with my husbad to have dinner together .
and this didn't only happend one time .
months ago ...when my husband went couple of weeks on holiday .she said she fell nausea if she think about it ..
when she and her husbad were going on holiday ..she was also crying and and said to her ex-husband she don't wanna go ..
and this lady said that she will not give up my husband ..she will just wait ...
my godnees ..this lady suffering more then me ..at last I still have my husband next to me most of the time .
but she is alone most of the time ....
how can she be so stronge ..it's scare me ....


I just don't know how to handle all those sitiuation anymore ..
I can not let my husband go and see if he will be turn back for me ..
I will have to go back to my own country as I don't wanna stay alone in a foreign country .
and this is also part of reason why my husband don't wanna let me go .
over is over ..there will be no Opportunity for me to come back ...
because everthing have to start all over again with my life in this country .




I know what should I do .but it's very Difficult for me to hold on and think it's might still be nothing for me in the end ..
so I am hopeing to hear some experience here and to see how is the chance my husband will turn back to have felling for men
.
but I am afried as long as my husband don't live with lady .then he will never know if he will get bored with women and have some felling for men again ..


we had allready set some ground rules.like he can not stay over night with this lady ..(or I will stay all night long awake)
and when I have day shift he should try stay home at night with me .
when I have night shift (till 21:00pm) he can just go to the lady if he want
but I hope not more then 4 time a week .
I don't know if this is enoght for him to explore ..but it diffcuted for me to give more

[onewhocares]

Welcome to the site and I do not think you should worry about your writting. I think we all get the jist of your comments. I think you show a great amount of insight into the situation you have found yourself in. I agree with those above who suggest you both sitting down and talking with open minds and hearts about what you BOTH want from your relationship.

I will say that I am not overly comfortable with the actions of this woman....she needs seems to be the kind of a woman who may take advantage of the men in her life. Be cautious.

Belle in Boston

[tenni]

Hi
I've read a bit of the other posts. You will find few in the same situation as yourself on this site as far as a gay monosexual with a bisexual man with a hetero monosexual woman as a lover. I commend you for your approach. I think that your rules seem suitable and deal with your own needs as well as his. I would suspect that his pendulum may swing back but no one knows.

I do know a bisexual man who has a hetero monosexual wife and another bisexual man as a lover. They live in different countries presently but the other bi man is moving to Canada. The hetero monosexual wife is open to the two bimen's relationship. They even sleep in the same bed sometimes but there is no sex between the three of them. She permits her husband "time" with his lover" in a bed without her. She has developed a bit of a relationship with the other biman.(They have kissed and do communicate when the biman is away). There is fondness between the three of them.

That is an option that you may want to consider. I don't know. It apparently is not easy for them but has been working for about three years. Good luck.

[Mmhihi]

hat is why I said .it's took me days to convince him not to make choie to be this lady .
but just one afterroon they being along .his thought was always change again
one week ago he always told me that there is one Important thing that he don't have trust in this lady due to her past .
so that is the part of reason he didn't make choice ..but today i asked him what is her Advantage if you will make choice to her .
even she her past is not clean .
he answer to me ..he think she is very sweet to him .and have a great humor ..look nice .and she is willing to to anyting in bed for him .
and he can TURST her ...........pppppfffffffff
love is blind ....
his best friend always warning him .no matter what .don't make choice to her ..just stay with me ..they are in love ..it's will be over onedays.
so think again and again befor he wanna make choice ..he do keep it in mind
but when I heared he said he turst her today ..I were shark..and still are ..
it's just few days they being out together ....
and all those months he keep telling me he dosen't turst her is now opposite ....
I really don't know if let them often out is good idea or not ..
but don't let them go out could also make thing worse....
or he start to lie again to me

[Maximos0153]

Wow great stuff here... I am going through the same with my partner and it is very lonely at times....

[elian]

I can only give you advice based on the information you provide but it sounds to me like this lady is not very emotionally stable. She JUST got out of two relationships, she's finally on her own and she's looking to start a third relationship? She ought to be spending some time on her own to figure out exactly who she is and what she wants instead of jumping right into another relationship.

I'm leary of her demand that he only be faithful to her, how long have they known each other romantically? I would let my partner go if I knew it would make him happy, but only if I had confidence that the person he was seeing is a "good" person.

It is both admirable and a little heartbreaking to see what you are going through. Love really can be like a chemical addiction, especially when it's new, and you find out a new aspect about yourself. He may never be exclusively same-sex again but maybe eventually the newness of what he is feeling will wear off and he may move toward center. Only he really knows what he is feeling and like a few other folks here I think he ought to seriously think about where he will be in 5 years.

[Mmhihi]

My husband said that he wanna stay with me .and want me to trust him that he is strong at it.I know it's the best way I should do .trust him .but I find out it very diffcuted to me to do that .
Especially when I headed he said he trust her . And also other small thing like this .


They knew each other for 2 and half years now as they are colleague .and they are together for 9 months now .
One month ago my husband push her to make up her minds to divorce .
Cos she was always complaning that she don't get along well with her 20years older husband .
So my husband push her to to Make up her mind to talk her husband that she wanna start her own life.


My husband want to end up with her .
but he is afraid she can not take it as she is just few weeks away from last marriage .
And first time in her life trying to live alone .
My husband is afraid she will be destroy after he tell her he will always stay with me .
(well.. my husband said that weeks ago he will always stay with me .but now he said chance is big he stay with me)
But still ....if my husband tell her thaT .i am sure she won't gave up
Cos 4month ago my husband already did once tell her he wanna stop 4 months ago .
She jus cried for few days .then she try everything to get my husband again .

[Long Duck Dong]

Mnhihi, alarm bells just went off for me, after reading that post......

it reads to me like your husband was ok as long as he believed that she would be dependent on your husband... and he is finding that she is not trying to be dependent on him so he is saying that he is going to stay with you as he doesn't want a female partner that is capable of living her own life without him....

she is emotionally and mentally messed up and confused... and needs the time to straighten herself out.... and if your husband needs to be a platonic friend and help her, cos its coming across like he is actually using her and having her confused, makes it easier for him

[elian]

I guess I must be in a unique situation that I was able to find out I was bisexual before I got married, I'm going to resist the temptation to talk about adultery. I wish all three of you healing. It can be hard breaking up with someone after two years. I always tell the people coming to terms with their sexuality that I feel the only way to have a healthy relationship is to learn to love yourself first - then you will know what it truly means to love another person in a healthy way.

You have to start out from the premise that every person is worthy of love and respect. If you feel unworthy and only go from person to person - looking for something; if you feel as though you aren't a whole person without the other - that seems more like a co-dependent relationship and usually those sort of relationships turn out unhealthy.

If your husband wants to love both of you, then her demand that he only be committed to her is just not going to work, either she will compromise or the relationship will end. If she "gave up" her husband for yours then she may feel cheated, but honestly maybe she shouldn't have been cheating on her husband in the first place. Hopefully she will figure it out eventually, I can't say more without knowing all of you.

If your husband still likes women, hopefully you can find a person together that you both feel comfortable with. Maybe not what you originally envisioned but thank you for at least trying.

[Mmhihi]

thank you guys ...
i found it's so diffcuted to be haapy recently ...I was always smileing ....but now I have been weeks didn't sleep well ..

you are right ..I must love myself first .or I am not able and not stronge enoght to hold this relationship .
how to love myself is the Important issue for me I think .
thank again for reading and reply...

[BorderCpl]

Another thought, Mmhihi: Something new always seems shinier and more appealing. She will become old news pretty quickly as he will become to her. Now, whether or not you choose to sit around and wait for that to happen? That's a question only you can answer. He's like a kid in a candy store right now - new parts to play with - new forms of sexual intimacy. Sort of like the way I was with women when I first came out! We've gone over that being bisexual does not automatically mean non-monogamous or the flip-flopping of basic personal sexuality (a little fluid? Yes. Completely changing? Nope!) Only you can determine what he's capable of and not capable of.

[Mmhihi]

I was try to talk with this lady in person to get some Sympathy for her..and to find out if she is such a weet lady .so I can fell Comfortable to share my husband with her .
but my husband warned me not to ..cos she want all of him ..
after my husband told her 2 weeks ago that I want to share .the same days she told my husband that she is being thanxfull for what I can do for my husband and for her
.but next days she started to keep asked my husband go to her ...my husband cancel the first date .then she trying to used thier common friend to make other date ..
.this is too offten .and it is brok the the rule that when I am home in the eveining ..then they should not go out together ...
so no.....I don't think a 3 way can be work ..
finally I got the answer that the felling of sexuality bisexual are like fluid ..it's keep me hold on for loving my husband ...
thanx again

[zigzig]

You wrote that your husband is trying to oppress his desire for men, but that is not good to oppress anything. Now he's just with women - you and the other, but the desire for men will come back eventually. Maybe your husband feels under pressure from two women, who try to make him just heterosexual and a good husband? But if your husband still can't cut the bond from the other woman, then maybe she gives him something he doesn't have a t home.

[DuckiesDarling]

You wrote that your husband is trying to oppress his desire for men, but that is not good to oppress anything. Now he's just with women - you and the other, but the desire for men will come back eventually. Maybe your husband feels under pressure from two women, who try to make him just heterosexual and a good husband? But if your husband still can't cut the bond from the other woman, then maybe she gives him something he doesn't have a t home.

Zigzag, you do realize that the OP is a GAY MALE married to a bisexual MALE and the bisexual is now leaning more towards hetero?


To the OP, reading all of your posts it's becoming apparent that there are a couple people who are gonna be hurt no matter which way this falls and that is not placing blame but it is looking at it objectively. The woman in question is just out of a second marriage that she got into to save her from the debt of her first marriage.... charmer eh. Then your husband comes along and pretty much befriends her and convinces her she is better off without the second husband. Woman begins affair with your husband.... Doesn't sound very nice from my standpoint but I don't know her, it does sound like she is afraid to stand on her own two feet. I feel for you, but only you and your husband can decide where to really go from here. For right now, the woman doesn't really factor into it until you discuss your own relationship. You were together for a long time before you got married, did you discuss any issues regarding his bisexualiy before you took that step? Did you and he sit down and lay the groundwork for anything extramarital? Cause it certainly sounds like he was going out on you with someone he knows from work and now it' s led to a major crisis. I'm glad you are willing to "share", some people wouldn't be, but don't do it out of fear of losing him, only do it if you are truly comfortable with the concept.

Yes, bisexuality is a very fluid sexuality but the desire for something does not always equal the drive to have it. Some bisexuals are very capable of being with one person only at a time and some are just not wired that way. There is no right or wrong as long as everyone in the relationship agrees with the limits or lack thereof.

I wish you good luck with this but if I were in your shoes I'd have a heart to heart with the woman without the husband around, you might not be hearing the whole story with only his version of who said what.