I guess it was prone to happen...

[dseven]

Hi everyone! So, most of you won't remember me, but I came to the forum a year or so ago looking for help to understand my sexuality. Today I came to terms with it, I'm mostly okay with it and living a happy life. Right now I've been in a relationship with a girl (I'm a guy) for 6 months. The problem is that I started missing guys. Everything started when I flirted with a guy at a party, nothing happened, but it made me feel like I was missing something. So I talked with my girlfriend and the other day I was at a coffee place and I started talking to a guy that turned out to be gay and my girlfriend came and said "go on, you have my permission". I should point out that she is a fujoshi, this means that she likes to watch yaoi, which is guy on guy romantic animes.

I liked it and she liked watching it. So I added this guy (the one from the coffee shop) to my facebook account and we started chatting, and he said to me that he also liked girls. So I asked if he liked my girlfriend and he said yes, but I don't know if he meant it. He actually probably likes me more.

But the problem is that now I can't stop thinking about this guy. I don't want to leave my girlfriend for another person and I also don't want to cheat on her. I love her, I really do. I will try to see if she would be open to include this guy in our relationship, but I don't know how to go.
Can anyone throw me a bone on how to handle this situation???

Thanks!!

Hugs
Dseven.

[Implanted]

As much as you are excited about the whole prospect, I wouldn't necessarily jump right into a relationship with this guy even if she approves. Nor should you expect that she would want a relationship with him either. Why? Well, fact is, you've got the hots for him right now. Are you really looking for another relationship or are you just really turned on and want to have sex? There is no right or wrong answer, you just need to be clear about where you are coming from. You don't have to make a life changing decision at this moment, just examine where your emotions are coming from. Are they guided primarily by lust or are they deeply intertwined with infatuation? Are you interested in seeking out a relationship with him, or do you think he might be an occasional fuck-buddy? Is the time you might spend with him going to impede on your desires for your girlfriend, or do you believe that you could still love her and do something with him if she says it's all right?

When you have a clearer understanding about what you want with him AND what you want with her, discuss it with her and see where you guys can bring it together. If she is not open to you doing something with him, then you need to re-evaluate your own desires. Is it worth it to stay with her or is it worth it to try with him?

My suspicion is that you really want to spend the night with him and don't want to cheat on your girlfriend. If that's the case, the best way is to gather up your balls and tell her. From what you stated, she might be all right with it. Unless you are absolutely sure that both he and she are interested in a threesome, I wouldn't start with that. From my own experience (and I know others have experienced something different) I've always got more enjoyment out of 1 on 1 sex with someone other than my wife than I have with including her, but that is just me. I can develop a relationship with him or her (if that's what we want) and then see if we feel it would work bringing my wife in, but that is usually not the way it happens. We have been with more than one person while together, but those were all spontaneous occurrences and some were not as pleasant as we had hoped.

In short, talk it out. If what you say above is correct, then she is open to the conversation. If not, you'll have to make choices that best suit you anyway.

Good luck and Have fun!

[Long Duck Dong]

I remember you, very well... and it sounds like your journey has taken some interesting turns.......

based around what you say, she is really open minded about males with males... so that is really a good start..... but I have to ask, have you talked with her about being bisexual and interested in guys and girls... cos that is really something that you need to come open about with her........

many people do not come out until there is a need to come up, like the situation you are in..... and one of the advantages of coming out earlier is that it can be easier on both partners when a situation does arise as you both already have some understanding of what may be involved... instead of trying to come out, talk about being bisexual, your interest and desires with guys and girls, and your interest in a person that you want to take to the next level......

my honest advice is to come out to her.... I think she knows, based around your own interest in yaoi and the fact she is a fujoshi.... ( I may be a old fart, but I am familiar with the terms and the people ) and she may well have her own lil * secrets * as well....... get the first hurdle out of the way, and that will give you more of a stable ground to come out with your second issue..... the fact that you want to take it further.....

the way you talk is as a person that has a interest in more than a casual fling / fuck buddy aspect, you are seeking a person to be more of a part of your life than a NSA situation ( no strings attached, no other contact outside of sex etc ).....

your partner said you have her permission... and I am not going to read anything in that beyond she gave her consent for you to talk with the guy..... but it is possible that she was trying to say, its ok, shes open minded and accepting.....and interested...... but its easy for me to say that......

dude..... talk with her about being bisexual and what it means for you, and your concerns about how you do not want to leave her, but also you do not want to cheat on her either, people like to know that there is aspects of loyalty and honesty with the not wanting to cheat on them, its a real positive thing to bring up cos it shows you respect your partner..... and listen to her and what she says..... keep a open mind as she may well want what you want and to be a part of it, so you need to be open minded to the idea that 3somes are something that may well become a part of your relationship......

use the yaoi as a opening..... talk with her about the yaoi.. and then share with her that the yaoi is something that is more to you, than just something to watch and enjoy.... and its cos she is so open to the yaoi and the fact she gave you permission to talk to the gay guy, that you feel comfortable sharing that you have had a interest and desire to share your life with a male and female... perferably her and somebody that you and her feel comfortable with....

doing it that way, simply builds on the existing situation where she already watchs yaoi and feels that she has a input in things by giving permission..and so you already have a partner that could just hug you, kiss you and tell you there are many reasons why she is so happy with you, and you just gave her more confirmation as to why

I do wish you both the best of luck with the coming out and the including the gay friend..... and hopefully you will share soon about how well it went and how happy you all are

[elian]

It sounds very exciting, and having your first experience sometimes feels very validating but also step back and get to know this guy to see if you really want to be with him. Most guys end up leaving their girl because they can't come to an agreement with their manogmous partner but if your girlfriend likes to watch then I'm not sure why you would want to leave her. Right now with all of the excitement you probably have a very strong attraction to men. Give it time, hopefully you find that you still love her just as much if not more.. Personally if my partner gave me that kind of permission I would thank her (maybe with more than just the words) - there are a lot of people who would feel very insecure about sharing someone they love.

Just because she will allow you to do this does not NECESSARILY mean that she'll want to join in, that is something that is up to her and eventually you need to talk about your relationship and what the expectations are.

[dseven]

@Implanted: You are right, it's not that I don't want her to be with the guy, on the contrary, I want her to like the guy as he likes me and I want her to feel comfortable with him as she feels with me. But if that doesn't happen, I would actually like a 1-1 situation with the guy. To be completely honest, I have a huge crush on him right now, and he is the kinda guy with whom I could eventually have a relationship. But I don't want to jump into a relationship with him RIGHT NOW, he's moving in a month but just for a couple of months to his home town, but I wouldn't mind to do a few things with him before he goes.

@LDD: Hi! Nice to see you again :3. I think you missunderstood me or I didn't explain myself enough. When my girlfriend said "you have my permission" she was actually saying "you have my permission to make out with him". She knows from the beggining I'm bisexual, she not only accepts it, but she loves it. She was drooling when she saw us make out. But one thing is to see me make out with a guy or even see me have sex with that guy than to participate. I'm one of the few people with whom she feels comfortable being naked and having sex. To be honest, my goal would be to have a polyamorous relationship, I always wanted to see how that was like, but the people have to be just right. After six months, I started missing being with guys, it's not just the sexual stuff, but I miss the feeling of being submisive (again not sexually), of being open and vulnerable to someone so that person can take care of you, a state that I couldn't achieve with my girlfriend, I don't blame her or love her less because of that fact, but I just miss it. With guys, even with the bottomest of bottoms, you can ask him to hug you and cuddle you in a way that you feel that you can let go.

@Elian: The problem is the following: I'm 90% sure that if I were to leave my girlfriend right now, I would miss her a lot and I would suffer a lot too, even if I were to start a relationship with another person. On the other hand, I've always said that I could be with to people at the same time, in a relationship, girl-guy and I think that even girl-girl (I don't think I would like guy-guy). But there are many outcomes of the situation: The one that I would most like, she likes him and we end up in a poly. She likes him but not for a LTR and we end up having regular threesomes. He doesn't like her but she allows me to have a relationship with him whilst being with her at the same time. He doesn't like her and I end up having one on one sex with him while she watches. Or the one I wouldn't like and it's sadly the most probable, she doesn't want to share me with anyone or he doesn't want to share me with anyone.

All and all, I hate monogamy 6 ¬¬. It's sucks that society has made us so uptight that we are always afraid of losing the people that we love because of jealousy and stuff.

Well, thanks a lot guys for your kind words, they are really helping already!

Hugs
Dseven.

[gen11]

Dseven: Do I misunderstand that she gave you her permission? Am I silly to think if she likes to watch guy/guy anime she'll like watching you and a guy more?

If she gave you permisison how can it be cheating, on the first hand; and on the second, why not ask her if she'd rather watch it "live" than in animation?

I haven't read the thread, but I'll bet my comments are by-and-large repetative of most of the others.

[dseven]

@Gen11: She likes watching yaoi and she liked watching me make out with this guy, she gave me this permission I think as a "Test". But I don't think she is ready to see me with a guy, she's working on her jealousy, she thinks that I'll emotionally replace her for another person, which I don't think it's gonna happen because I have more than one slot in my heart for people :) (Oh I'm such a cheesy pansy XDD).

[elian]

@Elian: The problem is the following: I'm 90% sure that if I were to leave my girlfriend right now, I would miss her a lot and I would suffer a lot too, even if I were to start a relationship with another person. On the other hand, I've always said that I could be with to people at the same time, in a relationship, girl-guy and I think that even girl-girl (I don't think I would like guy-guy). But there are many outcomes of the situation: The one that I would most like, she likes him and we end up in a poly. She likes him but not for a LTR and we end up having regular threesomes. He doesn't like her but she allows me to have a relationship with him whilst being with her at the same time. He doesn't like her and I end up having one on one sex with him while she watches. Or the one I wouldn't like and it's sadly the most probable, she doesn't want to share me with anyone or he doesn't want to share me with anyone.



All valid points, time will tell - if she knows that you are bisexual (obviously after seeing you have sex with that guy) then she sees that there is something to work for/toward. If it would make you upset to leave her, then don't leave her. Nothing is "permanent" unless we make it that way. You are in bed, what? - maybe 20% of the time - 80% of the time you may love her and do other things together in different ways.

It does take a while to learn to trust that people will not become jealous or leave, and it takes an open heart and mind..not everyone can do that but it's probably worth trying.

[dseven]

Okay, today the strangest thing happened, I talked to her, about him, what we talked about and I told her that he was bi and that he liked her and she not only took it as something natural and valid but he also said "Well, I guess I won't know if I like it until I try it, but bring him to (A place we always go) and we'll see what happens :)".
Mmh, I kinda have the best girlfriend in the world... XDD

Well, anyways, I'll tell you what happens.

Thanks!
Hugs
Dseven.

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs dseven.... you lucky man to have such a open minded and understanding partner.... and you have a very lucky gf, cos she has you as a partner.....

the dynamics of poly relationships have always been of interest to me.... and I can relate to what you are saying with the submissive with a male aspect, and the understanding that it has to be the right people...... much of my life has been lived around group dynamics and social interaction with people... and yeah, finding the right people can be hard.....

I look forward to hearing how things are working out for you and also your (hopefully poly ) relationship with this guy and your GF

[dolphindance]

Well, it seems like you figured it out already, but I really want to ask this: Is she open to a poly relashionship? Sure, you are but it just won't work is she doesn't want that, nor you can force her to being in one. And if you feel like being with boys, just tell her, if she loves you then she'll understand your needs. It would be great if everything turns out as you want to but a lot of people just won't feel comfortable in that type of relationship which is valid.
My advice here is talk everything with her and see what she answers.
Also, please let us know how everything turns out!

[Bicuriousity]

Sounds like you have a great girlfriend! Keep us informed of how things go, sounds like you are in for some really exciting times!

[dseven]

Well, it seems like you figured it out already, but I really want to ask this: Is she open to a poly relashionship? Sure, you are but it just won't work is she doesn't want that, nor you can force her to being in one. And if you feel like being with boys, just tell her, if she loves you then she'll understand your needs. It would be great if everything turns out as you want to but a lot of people just won't feel comfortable in that type of relationship which is valid.
My advice here is talk everything with her and see what she answers.
Also, please let us know how everything turns out!

I don't think she's open to that idea, but at least she's open to the idea of me dating men whilst being with her. I won't force to do anything, and I have assured her that she can "pull the plug" at any time if she starts feeling uncomfortable, I love her and she comes first always.
Today I'm going out with a guy, which is kinda of a first for me. I mean, in an official date XD.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Communication is the key here, Sweetie. Sit down and Talk to her and get Her feelings on this. Ask her if she'd feel comfortable watching, or even being included in. Or, ask if she'd like to direct the action.. All of it is fantastic, but make Certain to reassure her that its Just Sex, just physical release, and that you love only her.
Talk it out and see how she regards then..:}
Best of luck to you both.
Cat

[dseven]

So, yesterday I went out with this guy, I was really excited about it, we ate and then we had sex, yeah I went all the way. But to be honest, I mean, I'm like satisfied and everything and there's no problem at all with my gf, everything is just great. But there's something that made a click on me, I feel much more comfortable being with my girlfriend than with anyone else. This guy was a good guy and also hot. I discovered that in order to have sex with someone and enjoy it, I must have a good emotional connection with the person. In this case I was actively taking distance myself emotionally from the guy. I met with my girlfriend later and I just wanted to hug her and be with her, and so we did.
Well, right now I'm telling you that I don't know if I would go through all this again, it was kinda emotionally exhausting and I don't know if it was worth it. Anyways, I needed to do it, and I'm glad I did.

Thanks a lot people for all your help.
Hugs
Dseven :)

PD: Another interesting thing that happened to me, is that even though I had full permission from my gf, I still felt like I was cheating and I feel a little guilty right now. It's not a big deal but worth mentioning it.