Straight female and bi boyfriend

[opentoitiguess]

Hello ,Gents and Ladies
I know that my boyfriend is bisexual. He told me when we met. We have been together for 2 years. Lat night,he brought up the fact that he would like to feel a mans penis again. :confused: What in the heck do I say to that? Anyway,I told him that if he has any intentions of being with me,that it is with me and only me. He wanted me to be more open minded(=doing what he wants to do in my mind). He has talked about marriage with me.

Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor. He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed.

I have read many threads in here and personally,they scare me. I see married men having relations with other men. I know straight men cheat,but this is a double life that can be hidden very well.
Last night, my boyfriend said that he is emotionally attracted to me as well as physically,but yearns for a penis. I asked him if he has played down his feeling for cock(we love that word) and he said no. We have webcams with a couple every now and again and he said that him seeing the males cock pleasured him. But,for the past week he has really missed it. It sort of pissed me off because us women are asked to me supportive and open minded,but no matter what,our men are always going to want penis. I don't care what anyone says.

I love him deeply and it hurts me,because I feel like I've been lied to. He has talked about marriage non stop. In fact,he just texted me his ideal future. I told him that I don't think that I can give it to him. His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive. I don't think that I am. I feel like I have been holding his hand every step of his coming out and no person has held mine. It has always been "You should this or that" "Be this or that to his feelings" I know that coming out is crazy hard and just brutal. I have been taunted by gay men.

I have been to gay awareness events with him(We are in Chicago) and I have felt bullied by gay and bi people because I am "a straight" Men have came up to me at events or small get together's and have told me that he is probably getting "it" somewhere else. I feel like high school all over again. He has told them to leave me alone and has actually been in a fight with his ex for saying things to me at a club last weekend. His ex was in town for a wedding and he told me to stay clear of him because he is bitter over their break up.

My boyfriend has asked me to join in a group. He said that he was tested and so were the others and has been ejaculated in before. He told me this before we had sex,but admitted that he would not have if I didn't ask. I have gay friends and have heard about the sex parties. We were both tested and tested again. I wear a condom with him. I sometimes think that I have to accept everything he has done or wants to do. I felt disgusted when he told me that. He told me that it was with two to other guys and that most women would not go with him. I BET.

I am alll over the place with this guys and girls,so sorry. This is just so much. I don't think that I can marry a man that is going to crave cock because if you crave it long enough... I have read so many stories on different boards and from other women I have met. They all have one thing in common. Their men get what they want. Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men? We have had sex at least 4 times a week. I get horny alot and I watch alot of porn. I love sex and he tells me that I am crazy hornier than him and he needs to hit the gym harder to keep up. Like I said,I stimulate his anus. I feel like I do alot to be accepting of his bisexuality,but like I told him,no dildo is going to replace the real thing.

He told me that he is madly in love with me and connects. I just see myself with kids in 10 years and him having many men on the side. My old roomie had a boyfriend who would meet men during his lunch break and after work at public stalls or parks!! He confessed to her and said it was usually bareback. Like I said,I know anyone can cheat and do,but my goodness. This is like a secret society. I don't know if I want to worry about this anymore. Thanks for any comments or advice.

[DuckiesDarling]

Hello ,Gents and Ladies
I know that my boyfriend is bisexual. He told me when we met. We have been together for 2 years. Lat night,he brought up the fact that he would like to feel a mans penis again. :confused: What in the heck do I say to that? Anyway,I told him that if he has any intentions of being with me,that it is with me and only me. He wanted me to be more open minded(=doing what he wants to do in my mind). He has talked about marriage with me.

Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor. He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed.

I have read many threads in here and personally,they scare me. I see married men having relations with other men. I know straight men cheat,but this is a double life that can be hidden very well.
Last night, my boyfriend said that he is emotionally attracted to me as well as physically,but yearns for a penis. I asked him if he has played down his feeling for cock(we love that word) and he said no. We have webcams with a couple every now and again and he said that him seeing the males cock pleasured him. But,for the past week he has really missed it. It sort of pissed me off because us women are asked to me supportive and open minded,but no matter what,our men are always going to want penis. I don't care what anyone says.

I love him deeply and it hurts me,because I feel like I've been lied to. He has talked about marriage non stop. In fact,he just texted me his ideal future. I told him that I don't think that I can give it to him. His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive. I don't think that I am. I feel like I have been holding his hand every step of his coming out and no person has held mine. It has always been "You should this or that" "Be this or that to his feelings" I know that coming out is crazy hard and just brutal. I have been taunted by gay men.

I have been to gay awareness events with him(We are in Chicago) and I have felt bullied by gay and bi people because I am "a straight" Men have came up to me at events or small get together's and have told me that he is probably getting "it" somewhere else. I feel like high school all over again. He has told them to leave me alone and has actually been in a fight with his ex for saying things to me at a club last weekend. His ex was in town for a wedding and he told me to stay clear of him because he is bitter over their break up.

My boyfriend has asked me to join in a group. He said that he was tested and so were the others and has been ejaculated in before. He told me this before we had sex,but admitted that he would not have if I didn't ask. I have gay friends and have heard about the sex parties. We were both tested and tested again. I wear a condom with him. I sometimes think that I have to accept everything he has done or wants to do. I felt disgusted when he told me that. He told me that it was with two to other guys and that most women would not go with him. I BET.

I am alll over the place with this guys and girls,so sorry. This is just so much. I don't think that I can marry a man that is going to crave cock because if you crave it long enough... I have read so many stories on different boards and from other women I have met. They all have one thing in common. Their men get what they want. Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men? We have had sex at least 4 times a week. I get horny alot and I watch alot of porn. I love sex and he tells me that I am crazy hornier than him and he needs to hit the gym harder to keep up. Like I said,I stimulate his anus. I feel like I do alot to be accepting of his bisexuality,but like I told him,no dildo is going to replace the real thing.

He told me that he is madly in love with me and connects. I just see myself with kids in 10 years and him having many men on the side. My old roomie had a boyfriend who would meet men during his lunch break and after work at public stalls or parks!! He confessed to her and said it was usually bareback. Like I said,I know anyone can cheat and do,but my goodness. This is like a secret society. I don't know if I want to worry about this anymore. Thanks for any comments or advice.

Short and simple. Walk away. You and he are at different ends of the spectrum as far as what you both want and need. You most certainly don't need to be married, this is one of those times that when a compromise can't be reached you just walk. I don't agree with a lot of the blanket statements that you made to him or that you said he made to you. There are plenty of bisexuals out there, both male and female, who are open and honest with their partners and respect them. You need to learn that for him to walk all over you is because you let him. End the relationship and see if you can save the friendship but a marriage in this situation without a ton of growing up on both sides is not a solution for now or even 10 years from now if nothing changes in either of you.

[opentoitiguess]

Hello ,Gents and Ladies
I know that my boyfriend is bisexual. He told me when we met. We have been together for 2 years. Lat night,he brought up the fact that he would like to feel a mans penis again. :confused: What in the heck do I say to that? Anyway,I told him that if he has any intentions of being with me,that it is with me and only me. He wanted me to be more open minded(=doing what he wants to do in my mind). He has talked about marriage with me.

Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor. He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed.

I have read many threads in here and personally,they scare me. I see married men having relations with other men. I know straight men cheat,but this is a double life that can be hidden very well.
Last night, my boyfriend said that he is emotionally attracted to me as well as physically,but yearns for a penis. I asked him if he has played down his feeling for cock(we love that word) and he said no. We have webcams with a couple every now and again and he said that him seeing the males cock pleasured him. But,for the past week he has really missed it. It sort of pissed me off because us women are asked to me supportive and open minded,but no matter what,our men are always going to want penis. I don't care what anyone says.

I love him deeply and it hurts me,because I feel like I've been lied to. He has talked about marriage non stop. In fact,he just texted me his ideal future. I told him that I don't think that I can give it to him. His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive. I don't think that I am. I feel like I have been holding his hand every step of his coming out and no person has held mine. It has always been "You should this or that" "Be this or that to his feelings" I know that coming out is crazy hard and just brutal. I have been taunted by gay men.

I have been to gay awareness events with him(We are in Chicago) and I have felt bullied by gay and bi people because I am "a straight" Men have came up to me at events or small get together's and have told me that he is probably getting "it" somewhere else. I feel like high school all over again. He has told them to leave me alone and has actually been in a fight with his ex for saying things to me at a club last weekend. His ex was in town for a wedding and he told me to stay clear of him because he is bitter over their break up.

My boyfriend has asked me to join in a group. He said that he was tested and so were the others and has been ejaculated in before. He told me this before we had sex,but admitted that he would not have if I didn't ask. I have gay friends and have heard about the sex parties. We were both tested and tested again. I wear a condom with him. I sometimes think that I have to accept everything he has done or wants to do. I felt disgusted when he told me that. He told me that it was with two to other guys and that most women would not go with him. I BET.

I am alll over the place with this guys and girls,so sorry. This is just so much. I don't think that I can marry a man that is going to crave cock because if you crave it long enough... I have read so many stories on different boards and from other women I have met. They all have one thing in common. Their men get what they want. Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men? We have had sex at least 4 times a week. I get horny alot and I watch alot of porn. I love sex and he tells me that I am crazy hornier than him and he needs to hit the gym harder to keep up. Like I said,I stimulate his anus. I feel like I do alot to be accepting of his bisexuality,but like I told him,no dildo is going to replace the real thing.

He told me that he is madly in love with me and connects. I just see myself with kids in 10 years and him having many men on the side. My old roomie had a boyfriend who would meet men during his lunch break and after work at public stalls or parks!! He confessed to her and said it was usually bareback. Like I said,I know anyone can cheat and do,but my goodness. This is like a secret society. I don't know if I want to worry about this anymore. Thanks for any comments or advice.

Well,thank you for reading my horribly written novel. I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work. I thank you for your advice and time. What blanket statements have I made about him? I don't want to be insensitive to bi's.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok.... first I want to apologize on behalf of the way you have been * bullied * by bi and gay people..... its something that the LGBT community is vocal about but unfortunately we have our own bullies ....

stand your ground... never be bullied into what others want to see in your relationship cos they are siding with your partner, its your life, your future, your choice and a relationship is one half YOU and you have rights, the same as your partner... and you have the right to say yes or no to a relationship and marriage.... women have fought for rights for many many years but as I have said in the merits of monogamy and non monogamy thread, some dinosaurs have still not let go of the idea that the household is ruled by the male and it is the womans job to cook the dinner, bear the children and provide the sex... and that their wives are not a property, they are a person

I can understand your fears and concerns about things you have read in the site... and it is something I have mentioned in the merits of monogamy and non monogamy thread about the impression that people are starting to get about bisexual people cos of many of the opinions pushed in the site... but there are so many others that do not share those views...and do not post... and it is a shame as there have been some beautiful stories about couples in monogamous relationships where one partner is bisexual and worked with their partner to find a solution in the relationship without involving other people..... and so the site is not as balanced as it could be with alternative view points..... and so people see bisexuality in a light that is not the full spectrum of bisexuality but a part of it....

part of what is going on with your partner has nothing to be with being bisexual..... the issues between him and his ex partner....the remarks about this being the problem with women....the refusal to see a counsellor for the sake of working at the issues in the relationship etc..... that is nothing to do with bisexuality as it can happen with people of any sexuality.... but he is using his bisexuality as a weapons and a bargaining point, in order to make his statements and prove his points......and its understandable that you can end up questioning if that is what all bisexuals are like all the time.... something that you will find, is not the case at all.....

there are bisexual people in the site that are monogamous with their partners...... some of them post occasionally as well... and there are some poly people as well, that have excellent advice about how it is possible to have a triad type relationship.... and yes there are monogamous people that are in closed and open relationships, with bisexuals........ reading posts will give you a idea of whom you may want to contact by private message and talk with on a one to one basis, so you do not have to deal with people that you feel, are not understanding of the situation, as some times threads have a way of erupting into *wars * over the rights of the bisexual vs the rights of both partners in a relationship / marriage

my concerns with your partner is some of the things that he has said to you... and the fact that he refuses to look at other options like a counsellor, in order to work on a relationship that he has, a marriage that he wants and a partner that is a very special lady that he should value for what she is doing, not what she will not do....

I see you as a lady that is very open minded and accepting but not going to be pushed into something that is not what you want ..... and that while you have been accepting and open to toys and porn.... that there are somethings that you are holding on to... your desire for a person that is monogamous.....

my advice would be to seriously consider your options, choices and stand your ground.... insist on the counsellor as if he is getting his brother to pressure you, then you need a ally on your side as well......

the relationship sounds like a good one with a lot of very positive aspects to it and it is a relationship that is definitely worth working on and putting time and effort into it.... but unless the tension over the issues stop...it can either end the relationship or it will become a relationship full of resentment, recriminations, blaming each other, trying to make each other feel guilty.... and somebody will finally say enuf is enuf.....and that may result in cheating or you being forced to give into him... and there is no reason for that to happen as it can really hurt you and the relationship.....

so hopefully some of the people in the site can help.... or even a counselor if your partner would stop being so stubborn....

[tenni]

"I wear a condom with him."

Uh? What do you mean that you "wear" a condom with him?:confused:
Do you mean a female condom?

Do you understand that there are many versions of bisexuality? Some bisexual men do not need cock but just desire it at a low level of interest. They are content to be with only one partner male or female. They are not driven to have cock and need it to be happy. Some bisexual men may love a woman and only want a physical sex with a penis. There is no emotional attachment to other men. You do not have a penis and so why should it bother you if he wants physical sex acts with a penis? It seems like he needs something from men that a woman can not provide even with a strap on but then you mention group sex. If he wants group sex with men and women, I can understand your reservations. If you are comfortable with group sex (which you do not seem to be) you might discuss some rules for that.

You read as a woman who dislikes men having sex with each other? If this situation was just about your bf having male sex you might want to create some mutually agreed rules. (ie no bathroom sex etc.) It just may not be a match for you and it is more about incompatible sexual views about non monogamous sex than his bisexuality.

I agree that the people at that bar were just being rude creeps. .. maybe drunk rude creeps?

It doesn't really matter though as you state that you have left him? If you have left him, why are you posting on this site? You made up your mind..did you not?

[Mickie]

Tenni, you know what she means by using a condom with him. You're smart. You're just picking.

Open, do what Duckie's Darling says. Tenni doesn't have a dog in this race.

[elian]

Recognize that when he admitted he was bisexual that meant that he did have a least a latent desire for men so he was being honest with you in telling you that he has feelings for men. Some men can't even admit that much to themselves let alone their partner.

He could have very genuinely wanted to be with you..to the point of wanting to get married..but that doesn't mean that his desire for men is going to somehow magically disappear, for some men it may never completely disappear. For some men it can be situational, but for others it is more than just a phase - it is a part of who they are.

He LOVES you, he comes home to you..but for some people understandably that's not enough.

Every situation is different, some men would be perfectly happy in a completely monogamous relationship, some will be happy if their wife takes a dominate role with no need for a real male partner, some might be happy if the wife is involved in selecting ONE other person, some agree to completely open relationships as long as people are safe and get tested, etc.

Nature itself is not black and white and there can be a whole spectrum of attraction both romantically and physically..there are several different reasons people form relationships and engage in sex.

The key to any successful relationship is communication, knowing the expectations and being there for each other when it counts. Relationships also involve more than one person - so if your needs aren't being met and you know for certain that you could not be happy then walking away might be the healthiest thing you can do - even if it is painful.

I wish you both healing.

[falcondfw]

Hello ,Gents and Ladies
I know that my boyfriend is bisexual. He told me when we met. We have been together for 2 years. Lat night,he brought up the fact that he would like to feel a mans penis again. :confused: What in the heck do I say to that? Anyway,I told him that if he has any intentions of being with me,that it is with me and only me. He wanted me to be more open minded(=doing what he wants to do in my mind). He has talked about marriage with me.

Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor. He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed.

I have read many threads in here and personally,they scare me. I see married men having relations with other men. I know straight men cheat,but this is a double life that can be hidden very well.
Last night, my boyfriend said that he is emotionally attracted to me as well as physically,but yearns for a penis. I asked him if he has played down his feeling for cock(we love that word) and he said no. We have webcams with a couple every now and again and he said that him seeing the males cock pleasured him. But,for the past week he has really missed it. It sort of pissed me off because us women are asked to me supportive and open minded,but no matter what,our men are always going to want penis. I don't care what anyone says.

I love him deeply and it hurts me,because I feel like I've been lied to. He has talked about marriage non stop. In fact,he just texted me his ideal future. I told him that I don't think that I can give it to him. His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive. I don't think that I am. I feel like I have been holding his hand every step of his coming out and no person has held mine. It has always been "You should this or that" "Be this or that to his feelings" I know that coming out is crazy hard and just brutal. I have been taunted by gay men.

I have been to gay awareness events with him(We are in Chicago) and I have felt bullied by gay and bi people because I am "a straight" Men have came up to me at events or small get together's and have told me that he is probably getting "it" somewhere else. I feel like high school all over again. He has told them to leave me alone and has actually been in a fight with his ex for saying things to me at a club last weekend. His ex was in town for a wedding and he told me to stay clear of him because he is bitter over their break up.

My boyfriend has asked me to join in a group. He said that he was tested and so were the others and has been ejaculated in before. He told me this before we had sex,but admitted that he would not have if I didn't ask. I have gay friends and have heard about the sex parties. We were both tested and tested again. I wear a condom with him. I sometimes think that I have to accept everything he has done or wants to do. I felt disgusted when he told me that. He told me that it was with two to other guys and that most women would not go with him. I BET.

I am alll over the place with this guys and girls,so sorry. This is just so much. I don't think that I can marry a man that is going to crave cock because if you crave it long enough... I have read so many stories on different boards and from other women I have met. They all have one thing in common. Their men get what they want. Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men? We have had sex at least 4 times a week. I get horny alot and I watch alot of porn. I love sex and he tells me that I am crazy hornier than him and he needs to hit the gym harder to keep up. Like I said,I stimulate his anus. I feel like I do alot to be accepting of his bisexuality,but like I told him,no dildo is going to replace the real thing.

He told me that he is madly in love with me and connects. I just see myself with kids in 10 years and him having many men on the side. My old roomie had a boyfriend who would meet men during his lunch break and after work at public stalls or parks!! He confessed to her and said it was usually bareback. Like I said,I know anyone can cheat and do,but my goodness. This is like a secret society. I don't know if I want to worry about this anymore. Thanks for any comments or advice.

WOW!

Ok. some serious issues here. I will do the best i can to help.

1. If he thought the relationship was going fine and you brought up the counselor, you may have scared the hell out of him. lol. More likely though is that he will just continue to deny whatever issues are in the relationship and you will have a serious decision to make. Do I break his heart and mine? Or do i continue on pretending to accept what I know I cannot? Your first two paragraphs leave absolutely no room for interpretation. You want a one on one totally monogamous relationship, no matter what.

2. In case you did not know, using a strap on is INCREDIBLY open minded. Most hetero women would not even consider that such a thing exists. He should be happy that you will play, somewhat.

3. Your reaction this afternoon was very predictable, as was his. This kind of relationship is definitely not easy for the lady. She is discovering her limits, plus what she enjoys in a relationship. PLUS she is helping him discover what he enjoys, much of which, he does not know. They came into things with a loving relationship that was very simpatico. But she discovered she likes this. He discovered he likes that. And eventually you have two people going down totally different paths.

4. If you don't care what anyone says, then why are you here? Look. discovery of enjoyment for EITHER sex is very difficult. Many times we find what we enjoy is totally different than what family members and friends will accept or even what society will accept.

The trick is, the line of communication between you and your partner must FULLY communicate. Yes, there is a very real chance you could end up on different paths. But you loved each other at one point and a friend is what your partner needs. The communication lines must stay open if you are to both help each other through things.

4. You asked him if he had played down his feelings for cock (I love that word too). DUH! And if he has already played it down, why would he tell you that? OF COURSE he has played it down. Because he is terrified of losing you. Everyone can recognize a good thing when they have one.

Honey, you need to have a serious sit down with him. Total honesty on BOTH sides. No holding back, but gently when it will hurt. Lay out your feelings. Let him lay out HIS feelings, WITHOUT interrupting. Desires. Expectations. Forbiddens. EVERYTHING! You guys owe this to each other. Then, both of go to your rooms for a few hours and stew over things. Decide what you are happy about, what you can live with, what you cannot deal with, and what you believe in. Give him the time to do the same. Write them down. Both of you. Then, after time, come together to compare lists. If lists are similar or exact? stay together and work things out. If lists are totally going in different directions, the two of you should go in completely different directions. etc.

In answer to your question, I stayed faithful to my wife for over 10 years once I realized my bi side. I never did anything until after we split, because she was not interested. Once we split, I enjoyed (OH BOY, did I EVER ENJOY!). Yes, if he truly loves you, you both can remain monogamous to each other. But that relationship qualifier has to be named and maintained up front. No sneaking it in after the fact.

In other words, Ladies, if you met your man at a ladies review and he was sucking off this gorgeous bbc, since you met him this way, would it be fair of you to expect him to never suck cock again? HELL NO! Same way if he met you and he hired you as a bargirl out of your bar, would it then be fair for him to expect you to quit cold turkey? HELL NO!

5. Honey, if you love him, you DO have to accept everything he has done in the past and everyone. You accept him as he is. without conditions, without pre-conditions. without post-conditions. All by his lonesome. Because that is love. it has no conditions. NOW! If he loves you, he also accepts you without any pre, actual, or post conditions. The feelings of the other are all that matters. Loving him means you accept him as he is. You do not want to change him. You do not want to "improve" him, as many women try. He is he and you are you and you are both fine with that.

IF however, you want to change him, it depends on the changes you want to make. If you want to make him more conscious of himself so he gets more promotions and looks snappier, then good luck and hopefully both of you will succeed. If you want to "improve" him to meet your standards, that is selfish and you will totally fail.

I don't care what he told you or what you told him. You need to decide on what is important to you. What you must have. What you are willing to look at. What you need to work on together. What you need to change. And what you WILL NOT accept. And he needs to do the same. Hopefully, you both will meet in the end.

[tenni]

Tenni, you know what she means by using a condom with him. You're smart. You're just picking.

Open, do what Duckie's Darling says. Tenni doesn't have a dog in this race.


No I did not understand that part about her wearing a condom. It is interesting how some posters have very similar writing styles. Some people believe that there are people who have more than one profile on this site. I'm not sure.

[Mickie]

I figure she's on here for the same reason I am on here. She cares for somebody who has thrown her for a loop and she's looking for answers and to get a smidgin of understanding from people that, at first glance, at least, to be open to discussion of the issues she's dealing with. What better place to ask questions about bisexuality than a website title "Bisexual"? She, like, I, probably thought she'd learn something here. We certainly couldn't get the kinds of insights I, for one, was looking for at Ihatequeers.com. I think we all sort of vent on sites like this. If she's really made up her mind (and frankly, he's said/done enough to make me lean toward packing his crap, but then I don't love him) she wouldn't be on here.
I do not know how old she is but I'm old enough (and I'm thinking you are, too) to realize that you're not going to change people by hoping. Or fussing. Or even being rational. We are who we are and we seldom change our spots. I know you, Tenni, have a tendency to side with the man and I can understand that. I have a tendency (in some things, not all) to side with the woman who's freaking over some aspects of her relationship. I try to keep in mind that simply being female and straight doesn't make one right. But being male and bisexual does not keep one from being an asshole either.
I figure there are probably several people with more than one profile. I've been on forums where people will actually make several and post on every single one of them to back up and support their original profile's opinions. People are weird.

[dick_pumper]

I'm sorry to hear he is being such a dick. He seems to be more concerned about getting cock then he is about saving your relationship. A bi-sexual is going to like both sexes, but at the same time they need to be clear on what they want when their current partner is straight. I applaude you on the fact that you'll strap-on a dildo and fuck him, if my wife would do that to me then I don't think I would be looking for a fwb as much as I am now. I am married and after 7 years we have sex about once a year, she thinks that's fine. I find that unacceptable. I made it clear to her when we were dating that sex was an integral part of keeping a relationship alive, yet she says "I will have sex when she says I will have sex". Well, I didn't get married to then be looking to cheat, but if I'm not getting any from home then what am I to do? Give up my desire, just cause she has none? You seem to be a good catch, you like lots of sex and you will fuck his ass, to me that's a dream come true. That alone would be enough to keep me more then happy. Sure I like cock, but if I was getting all he was then I could watch a little gay porn or something. I have suggested counseling to her and she says I am the one with the problem.
Now I think you have been more then accomodating to him, but what if the two of you were to sit down and say, "OK, I will let you have a male friend, one, and I must approve of him, and I will not be involved with the two of you". This way, he would have his cake and eat it too. And, if he has the one guy, then you will be safer then him finding strange cock in a rest area.
I know it's a hard situation for you and I hope you find the right answer.

[rj2127]

Hello. Just thought i would throw my 2cents and some of my excperiance out there and if any of you in the same situation can feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.
I have been married for just shy of 8 years my husband and i have 3 wonderful children together and my husband is bisexual. I didnt know til after we where married (altho i suspected and had asked several times) I guess he had yet to come to terms with it. It wasnt til after the birth of our 3rd child that he came out and admitted that he was bi. I am completely fine with his sexuality and understand that its not who he is its just one small part of him. We have a fantastic life together but, i would be lying if i said its didnt change things in one way or another. We also have been playing and using toys and i am fine with that. but also like OP i have no interest in 3 somes. Actually, i have no interest in have sex with anyone else period. These are all issues that are being worked threw. there in my opinion no simple one cut soultion. these are things that come up randomly in the conversations of our lives. at first i was like period no at this point its just you and i and i dont want you doing anything talking or anything to anyone else. now he has a few guys he is chatting with and one just invited him out for drinks. its something that evolves with in your relationship. and its not just us (women) who need to be open about the mans bisexuality but also the men who need to understand us womens straight side. and by that i mean understand that we can learn and research about bisexuality and what your going threw and be there and deal with it but we will never fully understand it! So the bisexual one needs to be understanding to that also and be willing to be as open minded about a full monogamous relationship as they want us to be about an open one. and they find a small compromise somewhere in the middle that everyone can live with. and in that case of me and my husband that compromise is forever evolving. and hunny i can fully understand being scared. But if he isnt willing to give some on what he wants too then i dont see how you are going to get anywhere its give and take on both ends. and just do yourself a favor and never google bisexual bisexual husband or bisexual boyfriend because those stories are HORRIBLE!! and mostly by women who where cheated on and you wherent. he told you. and thats pretty big.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Maybe leaving the relationship would be best for you, and him. You don't have a dick, and he is craving one really bad, so it's best that you leave before he gets what he wants, and break your heart in the process.

[Mickie]

And oh, my, god. rj is right. Never, ever, ever read those stories (or books) about straight women/bisexual men. Talk about bitter. It will make you just want to run away before anything like what goes in the in the stories happens. Until you stop and think a minute. Most of them are mainly whiny.

[rj2127]

Yea mickie!! most of them are brash and completely closed minded and homophobic. But, i know for me it was very hard because i felt alone and lost and had no one to talk to. it was very very hard from him and i. and there is nowhere positive to turn. There is no "support group" for women with bisexual husband's. Unless you want to leave them. then there is a TON of groups lol. Thats why one of the big things that both my husband and i are very strong about is that if he is talk to any man he is to NOT be married and closeted. i know that the men have a reason for hiding it and thats fine but neither of us want any part of it once they find out!

[falcondfw]

Yea mickie!! most of them are brash and completely closed minded and homophobic. But, i know for me it was very hard because i felt alone and lost and had no one to talk to. it was very very hard from him and i. and there is nowhere positive to turn. There is no "support group" for women with bisexual husband's. Unless you want to leave them. then there is a TON of groups lol. Thats why one of the big things that both my husband and i are very strong about is that if he is talk to any man he is to NOT be married and closeted. i know that the men have a reason for hiding it and thats fine but neither of us want any part of it once they find out!

Rj,
I understand why you feel the way you do, but some of us hide it because we have ex-wives who would use our sexuality in court to take away our rights to see our kids.

[rj2127]

while i dont think someone should/could use your sexuality to take your children/rights away from you. thats why i said i do infact understand why some men feel the need to hide it we just both agree that its not a situation we want to find ourselves in. I really dont want to deal with a raging wife!! i have read/heard far to many stories about how these wives get. I just dont want any part of it.

[JP1986UM]

Yea mickie!! most of them are brash and completely closed minded and homophobic. But, i know for me it was very hard because i felt alone and lost and had no one to talk to. it was very very hard from him and i. and there is nowhere positive to turn. There is no "support group" for women with bisexual husband's. Unless you want to leave them. then there is a TON of groups lol. Thats why one of the big things that both my husband and i are very strong about is that if he is talk to any man he is to NOT be married and closeted. i know that the men have a reason for hiding it and thats fine but neither of us want any part of it once they find out!

Pardon me, but bullshit. Alternate Paths is precisely for women with gay/bi husbands. Obviously you've never met Mr. Google.

And before you go there....it is worldwide in its reach.

[FinkDoodle]

So . . to recap. . . You knew he was bisexual when you started dating him and you're shocked when he suddenly expresses a desire for bi sex. Did you somehow expect that interest to completely go away once you came into the picture, as though your female self was so incredibly satisfying that it made all other previous urges dissolve for good? It doesn't work that way, sorry. He did the right thing by being honest and upfront with you in the first place and if you can't accept the fact that he requires the occasional guy-fling for HIS OWN WELL BEING, then clearly you care far more about your own selfish insecurities than your relationship. ANY relationship requires some kind of compromise in one area or another, yet the majority of women seem to think that "compromise" means that the male has to change his lifestyle to fit the female's idea of what's proper, rather than working together to achieve a solution that's mutually satisfying. . . and this doesn't even remotely apply only to bi sex; rather it applies to every single habit or lifestyle choice that women can deem objectionable, from smoking to watching porn.

Here's a tip, ladies . . if you expect your man to give up something he enjoys just because you don't care for it yourselves, he will either take pride in his own self respect and stand his ground, or he will begin to dislike you for demanding a change in his life just to satisfy your own selfish need. . . it's really that simple. Deal with it.

[DuckiesDarling]

As JP pointed out there are a lot of groups out there that actually HELP not hinder a person searching for help and support. Despite the number of pro cheating threads in this forum this is also a place to learn but not if you come in here completely close minded. There are a lot of numbers on the Kinsey Scale did you notice that only two are absolute anything? Straight and Gay but the other numbers reflect the fluidity of the bisexual nature of both males and females. It's not set in stone. My partner may very well wake up one day more gay than straight or bi and I will have to adjust my way of dealing with him to account for that day and whatever wacky thing might come out of his mouth at the drop of a hat. But my love for him doesn't change even as he changes from day to day, hell hour to hour or even minute to minute at times depending on what parts of a subject float his boat. Now, before you blast me anyone for saying this statement... actually THINK about it. When are you really just bisexual? Pretty much only when you are actually in bed with a male and female and engaging in coitus at the same time. Any other time you are on a range of hetero to homosexual in your thoughts and actions. Still want a label? I don't. I just wanna be me and let others be them. It goes along with it doesn't matter to me if a singer or actor or news person is gay straight or bi, that's not what I am wanting from them in terms of a service or product they offer for consumption. Sexuality shouldn't matter when deciding about a person but it does because of the narrow paths that some minds insist on walking as if it's the only way through the forest. But your sexuality is a major part of you and not knowing the full picture of a person can you ever really know them at all? So please everyone stop the blanket statements about things. The only blanket statement true about bisexuality is that is the most fluid sexuality. Kinsey scale proves it. Not every hetero is biphobic not ever homo is biphobic not ever bisexual is homophobic or heterophobic not everyone is anything but there are a few that are and that pretty much proves the old adage.. one bad apple can rot the whole barrel.

[rj2127]

Pardon me, but bullshit. Alternate Paths is precisely for women with gay/bi husbands. Obviously you've never met Mr. Google.

And before you go there....it is worldwide in its reach.


Thank you for your wonderfully rude comment!
Yes, i have met Mr. Google more then a million times on this
topic alone. and go ahead google
Bisexual Husband
To stay or leave my bisexual husband
Can a bisexual husband remain faithful
mixed orientation marriage support groups
... ect ect ect
and NOWHERE does alternate paths come up.

[Mickie]

I have not read Alternate Paths, but I will. But the only thing on Amazon is that horrid fat lady with a bad attitude. Straight women/bisexual husbands (subtitled "shattered lives"). That's a real upbeat read.

[chtampa]

There is no need to push blame on anyone. The choices are simple and if you can't agree on one of them you should move on. People are sometimes too different to be a couple.

Choices
1) He stays monogamous with you.
2) You accept him seeing guys on the side.
3) You agree to having extra guy threesomes.

All three involve a compromise. Don't make it any more complicated than it is.

[falcondfw]

while i dont think someone should/could use your sexuality to take your children/rights away from you. thats why i said i do infact understand why some men feel the need to hide it we just both agree that its not a situation we want to find ourselves in. I really dont want to deal with a raging wife!! i have read/heard far to many stories about how these wives get. I just dont want any part of it.

For the most part, I give the wrong impression. For the most part, she is a good lady, honest, kind, considerate, totally focused on the monkeys. It is part of the reason I fell in love with her.

However, for that 20 or 30% of the time she is not? WHOA NELLY! KATY BAR THE DOOR!!! I n these times, she is vicious, manipulative, lying, scheming. She is totally americanized. lol.

I know, RJ, what you mean - "Save the drama for yo mama". And i totally agree with that. And if you choose not to deal with it, that is your choice.

But some of us have no choice. For the most part, our ex is fine. But we have to plan for that 20 or 30% when she is not, because it is our kids and we love them.

[falcondfw]

So . . to recap. . . You knew he was bisexual when you started dating him and you're shocked when he suddenly expresses a desire for bi sex. Did you somehow expect that interest to completely go away once you came into the picture, as though your female self was so incredibly satisfying that it made all other previous urges dissolve for good? It doesn't work that way, sorry. He did the right thing by being honest and upfront with you in the first place and if you can't accept the fact that he requires the occasional guy-fling for HIS OWN WELL BEING, then clearly you care far more about your own selfish insecurities than your relationship. ANY relationship requires some kind of compromise in one area or another, yet the majority of women seem to think that "compromise" means that the male has to change his lifestyle to fit the female's idea of what's proper, rather than working together to achieve a solution that's mutually satisfying. . . and this doesn't even remotely apply only to bi sex; rather it applies to every single habit or lifestyle choice that women can deem objectionable, from smoking to watching porn.

Here's a tip, ladies . . if you expect your man to give up something he enjoys just because you don't care for it yourselves, he will either take pride in his own self respect and stand his ground, or he will begin to dislike you for demanding a change in his life just to satisfy your own selfish need. . . it's really that simple. Deal with it.

Well put Byron. And the same goes for the ladies. If they feel they have to change just to please us, they will start to resent us for it.

[Bicuriousity]

As a bisexual male, I want to help him out here.
I'd give him a chance. He can be loyal and in many ways bisexual men can be great partners, it is all about creating and expecting trust.

It does require a unique level of trust. Be open to him about your concerns. Share porn with him, even allow him to chat in front of you. If you are accepting of it, it will help. This make any mans self esteem fragile.

Finally if you decide to leave him, make sure you do it in a way that doesn't make him hate himself for being bisexual. He can't change who he is deep inside any more than you can.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Well put Byron. And the same goes for the ladies. If they feel they have to change just to please us, they will start to resent us for it.

Exactly. If I were her I not would not go further into this relationship cause from what she is telling us, she is wasting her valuable time with this man. If this man's craving for cock is so strong, then what's the point of her being in a relationship with a man that will eventually cheat on her? I might offend some people when I say this, but maybe the OP should no longer date bisexual men. If you are reading this sweetie, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.

[DuckiesDarling]

Exactly. If I were her I not would not go further into this relationship cause from what she is telling us, she is wasting her valuable time with this man. If this man's craving for cock is so strong, then what's the point of her being in a relationship with a man that will eventually cheat on her? I might offend some people when I say this, but maybe the OP should no longer date bisexual men. If you are reading this sweetie, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.

I really hope you didn't mean that capped statement the way it comes off but I have a feeling you did. What the fuck do you mean by let THEM?? OH yeah a bisexual male and you call yourself a bisexual, who you are implying chooses to be bisexual and further imply they don't know what the hell they want sexually. Do you know what you want? Apparently nothing Virgin Bemyonlyone. Do us all a favor and stop with the statements like that they are divisive you want to be pithy then go send the person a pm cause there are those of us on here that will call you and anyone else who makes statements like that out every single fucking time.

[elian]

She came here to try to understand, please don't run off all of the females before the rest of us get a chance to at least give them a kiss and some nuzzles.

How are bisexual men (indeed anyone actually) supposed to figure out what they like if they don't experience it? I can READ about life in books, but it's not the same thing as direct experience.

OP has a certain perception of what she wants in a relationship and it doesn't match what her partner wants. Either they want to be together strongly enough to work it out with compromise from both, or they don't.. The hallmark of an adult relationship is that you can resolve conflicts or agree to disagree without having to resort to throwing a temper tantrum.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

I really hope you didn't mean that capped statement the way it comes off but I have a feeling you did. What the fuck do you mean by let THEM?? OH yeah a bisexual male and you call yourself a bisexual, who you are implying chooses to be bisexual and further imply they don't know what the hell they want sexually. Do you know what you want? Apparently nothing Virgin Bemyonlyone. Do us all a favor and stop with the statements like that they are divisive you want to be pithy then go send the person a pm cause there are those of us on here that will call you and anyone else who makes statements like that out every single fucking time.

Yes I meant to use caps, thank you for catching on, and yes I know what I want in a partner, as well as most bisexual men and most of them will choose one gender over the other. It's called preference.

[void()]

If you are reading this sweetie, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.

We like both sides, thank you. From my experience and view, humble as can be, there is no real difference aside from plumbing schematics. People are people regardless of gender. People love and desire people.

My wife took it seriously enough. At first she was insecure. She felt she would lose me to someone else, man or woman. After a while she realized I have no intentions of ever leaving her. I have _a_ steady boyfriend who is ultimately plenty of man for me. I view him as a male version of my wife. We call those husbands and if society allowed, I would propose marriage to him also. My wife knows this. She accepts it. She would approve.

She is straight. She does not desire sharing a bed with my husband and me. I respect that, still love her. Still love him. Maybe someday she won't mind sharing a bed with us three. Maybe she won't ever. I still love her, and him. Neither in my view is more or less. They are equals.

Sometimes I want to sleep with, have sex with, be held by a man. Other times I want a woman doing these things. Still, there are times I desire neither one and can happily sleep alone. People are people.

I dislike those whom cheat. That does not mean I cannot understand the reasoning behind it. Some cases in my view merit cheating. That does not imply I condone cheating. Cheating is not something I can see myself doing. That does not imply I say others cannot or can. Again, I dislike it as for me it seems to destroy trust and love. We each find our own way, though. People are people.

Void sighs, ambles to a dark portion of the room.

[tenni]

Yes I meant to use caps, thank you for catching on, and yes I know what I want in a partner, as well as most bisexual men and most of them will choose one gender over the other. It's called preference.

Sweetheart
Why do you think that?

Do you not believe that we are bisexual because we are sexually attracted to both genders? Some bisexuals also may love both a man and a woman at the same time. Bisexuals prefer both to varying degrees at varying times. Bisexuals are not monosexuals.

Why do you think that you are a bisexual?

[rj2127]

Exactly. If I were her I not would not go further into this relationship cause from what she is telling us, she is wasting her valuable time with this man. If this man's craving for cock is so strong, then what's the point of her being in a relationship with a man that will eventually cheat on her? I might offend some people when I say this, but maybe the OP should no longer date bisexual men. If you are reading this sweetie, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.


As a women married to a bisexual man whom i happen to have a amazing relationship with i find that such a beyond offensive, naive ,and close minded statement!
Thats not true of all bisexual men!
Just because a bisexual man craves cock does not mean that he has to or will cheat on her. You almost sound as tho you are racist against bisexual men.. is that it??
Have you met this man that the OP speaks of is there some way you know that he will cheat on her??

[The Bisexual Virgin]

As a women married to a bisexual man whom i happen to have a amazing relationship with i find that such a beyond offensive, naive ,and close minded statement!
Thats not true of all bisexual men!
Just because a bisexual man craves cock does not mean that he has to or will cheat on her. You almost sound as tho you are racist against bisexual men.. is that it??
Have you met this man that the OP speaks of is there some way you know that he will cheat on her??

I am not racist towards anyone. And I have not disrespected the man the OP talks of. I just simply said maybe she should walk away from the relationship. And since she mention she is having trouble with bisexual men, I suggested that she stop dating them, and leave them alone. Maybe her being a straight woman, will have a better relationship with a straight man.

[DuckiesDarling]

I am not racist towards anyone. And I have not disrespected the man the OP talks of. I just simply said maybe she should walk away from the relationship. And since she mention she is having trouble with bisexual men, I suggested that she stop dating them, and leave them alone. Maybe her being a straight woman, will have a better relationship with a straight man.

What the hell makes you think straight guys don't cheat? More and more you are showing your complete lack of experience in any relationship so please stop giving your opinions about relationships as if they were made of gold. It makes as much sense as a virgin telling Dr. Ruth how to have sex.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

What the hell makes you think straight guys don't cheat? More and more you are showing your complete lack of experience in any relationship so please stop giving your opinions about relationships as if they were made of gold. It makes as much sense as a virgin telling Dr. Ruth how to have sex.

She did not mention anything about cheating nor did I. I was talking about relationships of to which I had plenty in the pass. I only suggested a straight relationship because it might suit her needs.Did you not notice that I put 'maybe' into that sentence?

[Long Duck Dong]

bi virgin, its not the sexuality that is the issue, its the person that is the issue... as you may have noticed with the assumptions and statements directed at you about your own sexuality.....

its easier to break it down into monogamous and non monogamous relationships....cos there are aspects of monogamy and non monogamous in every sexuality......and unfortunately it is more and more apparent to posters and guests that there is a aggressive aspect to the posts in the site that are no longer supportive of bisexual people that are monogamous nor of any person that is not seeing non monogamous bi males as the * face * of bisexuality.......

there is no point in fighting a battle over sexuality and stuff in the site, just pm the person quietly and share your opinion with them.... cos to post in the forum, is to risk being rubbished for having a opinion.......

its a shame that the site has become this way, but some people wanted the site to be about bisexuals and more specially bi males... and the level of animosity towards other bisexuals and the monogamous non bisexual members is something that is going to destroy the site and create a place where the very image of bisexuality that we fight against, is the image of the site that people percieve when they come here to read posts and learning about bisexuality......

[csrakate]

bi virgin, its not the sexuality that is the issue, its the person that is the issue... as you may have noticed with the assumptions and statements directed at you about your own sexuality.....

its easier to break it down into monogamous and non monogamous relationships....cos there are aspects of monogamy and non monogamous in every sexuality......and unfortunately it is more and more apparent to posters and guests that there is a aggressive aspect to the posts in the site that are no longer supportive of bisexual people that are monogamous nor of any person that is not seeing non monogamous bi males as the * face * of bisexuality.......

there is no point in fighting a battle over sexuality and stuff in the site, just pm the person quietly and share your opinion with them.... cos to post in the forum, is to risk being rubbished for having a opinion.......

its a shame that the site has become this way, but some people wanted the site to be about bisexuals and more specially bi males... and the level of animosity towards other bisexuals and the monogamous non bisexual members is something that is going to destroy the site and create a place where the very image of bisexuality that we fight against, is the image of the site that people percieve when they come here to read posts and learning about bisexuality......

Newsflash, LDD...this site IS about bisexuals....and it is NOT just for bi males....that is what you perceive it to be or what you are promoting it to be based on some posts. If people were to perceive a belief about bisexuality based on YOUR posts, they would find someone who fancies himself a new age guru and a healer....one who wishes to open his home and his relationship to his "friends and family" in a commune style environment and if sex happens, so be it? Most of us understand where you're coming from and we know what you wish it to be but some who didn't know you better could perceive it as the very same ideology that was followed by Charles Manson and Jim Jones. It would be wrong, even ludicrous of anyone to assume otherwise. In the same vein, it is also wrong to assume that this site is just for bimales based on the posts of the last few days. Some females came on the site upset about their bisexual male partners and there has been a fair amount of bimale bashing going on. Don't fault people for jumping to the defense. If these women actually came here for advice it would be one thing, but they have continually ignored any posts where something positive has been shared in order to continue to spew their anger. That is hardly the image we would like portrayed about bisexuals. Quit being so holier than thou, LDD. You are not perfect nor is your relationship. My relationship is not perfect....No relationship is perfect....all we have is each other and you aren't doing anyone a service by constantly making yourself the conscience of this site.

We all need to sit back and think about the reason we all came here. Some came for hookups....some came for understanding.....but first and foremost, this is a site to promote a better understanding of bisexuality and bashing bi males is not the way to do it. I will admit that I have fueled some of your fire but let's join together to stop the fanning of the flames and work together to better promote bisexuality. After all.....we just want to be loved.

[rj2127]

Exactly. If I were her I not would not go further into this relationship cause from what she is telling us, she is wasting her valuable time with this man. If this man's craving for cock is so strong, then what's the point of her being in a relationship with a man that will eventually cheat on her?
^^^ you didnt mention cheating??? whats that????

, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.


Didnt offend the man the OP was speaking of... i am sure you offend many of Bisexual men.
Really either you are completely bullshitting this entire thing and making everything you say up as you go along or
you have just met complete dirt bags or none of the men you where in relationships with you felt the relationship
was worth fighting for but either way.. you need to stop giving advice about things you clearly havent had the RIGHT
experiences with!

[DuckiesDarling]

Newsflash, LDD...this site IS about bisexuals....and it is NOT just for bi males....that is what you perceive it to be or what you are promoting it to be based on some posts. If people were to perceive a belief about bisexuality based on YOUR posts, they would find someone who fancies himself a new age guru and a healer....one who wishes to open his home and his relationship to his "friends and family" in a commune style environment and if sex happens, so be it? Most of us understand where you're coming from and we know what you wish it to be but some who didn't know you better could perceive it as the very same ideology that was followed by Charles Manson and Jim Jones. But that is far from the truth and it would be wrong, even ludicrous of anyone to assume. It is also wrong to assume that this site is for bimales based on the posts of the last few days. Some females came on the site upset about their bisexual male partners and there has been a fair amount of bimale bashing going on. Don't fault people for jumping to the defense. If these women actually came here for advice it would be one thing, but they have continually ignored any posts where something positive has been shared in order to continue to spew their anger. That is hardly the image we would like portrayed about bisexuals. Quit being so holier than thou, LDD. You are not perfect nor is your relationship. My relationship is not perfect....No relationship is perfect....all we have is each other and you aren't doing anyone a service by constantly making yourself the conscience of this site.

We all need to sit back and think about the reason we all came here. Some came for hookups....some came for understanding.....but first and foremost, this is a site to promote a better understanding of bisexuality and bashing bi males is not the way to do it. I will admit that I have fueled some of your fire but let's join together to stop the fanning of the flames and work together to better promote bisexuality. After all.....we just want to be loved.


Then Kate, tell that to Tenni who is pushing the bimale agenda. Now have a nice day.

[csrakate]

Then Kate, tell that to Tenni who is pushing the bimale agenda. Now have a nice day.

Tenni knows how I feel, DD. I don't need you to tell me what to do. But I also don't feel he is pushing a bimale agenda as much as LDD promotes his agenda nor do I see Tenni clamoring to get you or LDD banned as you are constantly aiming to get him banned. You obviously take no notice to my call for change or peace and that disheartens me.

As for your "have a nice day"...I know the tone it was delivered in. Back at ya!

[Long Duck Dong]

Newsflash, LDD...this site IS about bisexuals....and it is NOT just for bi males....that is what you perceive it to be or what you are promoting it to be based on some posts. If people were to perceive a belief about bisexuality based on YOUR posts, they would find someone who fancies himself a new age guru and a healer....one who wishes to open his home and his relationship to his "friends and family" in a commune style environment and if sex happens, so be it? Most of us understand where you're coming from and we know what you wish it to be but some who didn't know you better could perceive it as the very same ideology that was followed by Charles Manson and Jim Jones. But that is far from the truth and it would be wrong, even ludicrous of anyone to assume. It is also wrong to assume that this site is for bimales based on the posts of the last few days. Some females came on the site upset about their bisexual male partners and there has been a fair amount of bimale bashing going on. Don't fault people for jumping to the defense. If these women actually came here for advice it would be one thing, but they have continually ignored any posts where something positive has been shared in order to continue to spew their anger. That is hardly the image we would like portrayed about bisexuals. Quit being so holier than thou, LDD. You are not perfect nor is your relationship. My relationship is not perfect....No relationship is perfect....all we have is each other and you aren't doing anyone a service by constantly making yourself the conscience of this site.

We all need to sit back and think about the reason we all came here. Some came for hookups....some came for understanding.....but first and foremost, this is a site to promote a better understanding of bisexuality and bashing bi males is not the way to do it. I will admit that I have fueled some of your fire but let's join together to stop the fanning of the flames and work together to better promote bisexuality. After all.....we just want to be loved.

KATE I came to this site, cos I was in need of answers for questions I did not know.... and I was welcomed by people that were total strangers.... that was a few good years ago.... I learnt from them as much as they learnt from me.....and I shared with them as much as they shared with me.....and until the day I die, I will continue to be thankful for that......

since that time, the site changed, and my partner has been rubbished for being heterosexual, hetero, female, american, having a bisexual partner..... I have been rubbished for having a asexual nature, living in NZ, having a mental illness, serving in the military, being a former drug and alcohol abuser, being a counsellor, not being interested in casual sex, supporting monogamy for some people, non monogamous in others, not being pro cheating, having a hetero partner, telling people to stay and be welcome....etc... and that doesn't include our relationship.....and much of it has come from the same members....

is it any wonder at all why my friends and i, ( including their partners of all sexualities ) create safe havens ?... its not about being new age gurus... its about a safe place where they can have acceptance, peace and tolerance... with people that have given up searching for it.......and we live in a country that is supposed to be on the leading edge of human rights and anti discrimination ( ask nz'ers about the difference between the north island folk and the south island folk )

there was a time that I fought for my country for their protection and their right to be who they are then I fought against people in my country so people had the right to be equal..... in the site I fight for the right for people to have a place to stay and feel like they belong.... and I fight for the right of each bisexual to enjoy their lives without feeling like they are wrong for being monogamous or not interested in sex.....

I am tired of the fighting, kate, I am sick of it.... cos it feels like I fight so dammed hard for people to be accepted and tolerated for how they are....but I am fighting against the very people that are supposed to be the ones that are accepting and tolerating of them......

how many more bi females are going to be run off the site... how many more bi people are going to be told they are not bi enuf or wrong cos they are monogamous....how many more bi people are going to be told their heterosexual monogamous partners are selfish, inconsiderate, ignorant....... before people start to say enuf is enuf..... we are creating the very issues that we are now dealing with.... lack of acceptance of the bi community......

I will welcome anybody to the site, I have argued for the rights of people to be in the site.... I do not want to exclude the very people that are part of our lives... specially our partners, families and loved ones even if they are heterosexual / monosexual, monogamous or non monogamous, female, male, trans, mentally ill, disabled, elderly....etc etc etc..... and as long as drew has the same opinion about the site, I will continue to fight for them to be here, even if I disagree with what they say.....

if acceptance and tolerance is what we want, then we need to start showing more of it to others.... or we stand to lose more members like rissababynta and others who came to the site looking for support and a hug.... found it.... then were run off by people that hounded her to death over issues like her hubby was in the US military and cos she was looking for a dog......

I just walk the walk and talk the talk of what I want in my own life..... if others want lack of acceptance and tolerance in their lives, then let them fight their hearts out here in the forum and against society.... but its the bisexual community that will suffer cos of it and so will this site..... but we already know that much.... just look at the forums now and the way they once used to be

[DuckiesDarling]

Tenni knows how I feel, DD. I don't need you to tell me what to do. But I also don't feel he is pushing a bimale agenda as much as LDD promotes his agenda nor do I see Tenni clamoring to get you or LDD banned as you are constantly aiming to get him banned. You obviously take no notice to my call for change or peace and that disheartens me.

As for your "have a nice day"...I know the tone it was delivered in. Back at ya!

yeah yeah kate. I know what he has done and what he has not done but you are being downright childish in your going after my partner because you THINK he insulted alcoholics way back when. It's petty and you are so much more than that. I do not like attitudes of a few on here that push and push and push or the ones that use straight or bisexual as an epithet. Drew has clearly stated this site is for all yet those people are constantly told they don't belong here. Do I think anyone should go after people based on sexualities?? Hell no but also not for religion, politics or any other thing. No, I'm not perfect but neither are you or anyone else on this site. That's what makes this a place for people to come. I have went after people over the statements they make yet I am constantly rubbished for asking a parent if they were demented for what they did to their daughter struggling to fit into college, it became not a parent to a parent comment but omg a straight person telling asking a bimale that. SO yeah whatever, I'm sure you will believe whatever you want to believe anyway.

[csrakate]

I will reply to you in private where this belongs. But for the record since you brought it up in public, how dare you accuse me of hanging on to some petty argument as the reason I "go after" your partner! I do not go after him....I respond to things that he says under the guise of "a former counselor" that are off base and potentially harmful. It's not my fault that it happens over and over. For you to reference that alcoholic incident was uncalled for. That was a very low blow, DD....

[Annika L]

The tone of this thread, and so many others right now, has put me in mind of a song by Thievery Corporation:

Well let's start by
Making it clear
Who is the enemy, here

And we'll show them
That it's not them
Who is superior

It's gonna be bad
It's gonna be wrong
It's gonna feel good

Marching the hate machines into the sun....

(Disclaimer: I have no clue whether any member of Thievery Corporation or the band as a whole is or is not bisexual. These lyrics provided for perspective only, and such provision has not been explicitly or implicitly endorsed by any member of the band. Void where prohibited, although I'm sure void would enjoy the sentiment, especially when prohibited.)

[guynice]

Hi, I think every thing you said reflects your feelings n desires. I think they're very real n legit. You know very clearly what you want. I doubt if he'll ever stop wanting or looking for cock. I'm 60 n have loved cock n pussy all my life. Married 3 times. I'm still looking for n love cock. I doubt he could change if he wanted to. Sounds like a real bad deal for both of you.I think you'll both get over the love if you split, but I doubt if this issue will ever be resolved If you stay together. I wish you both the best. Joe

[Gearbox]

bi virgin, its not the sexuality that is the issue, its the person that is the issue... as you may have noticed with the assumptions and statements directed at you about your own sexuality.....

its easier to break it down into monogamous and non monogamous relationships....cos there are aspects of monogamy and non monogamous in every sexuality......and unfortunately it is more and more apparent to posters and guests that there is a aggressive aspect to the posts in the site that are no longer supportive of bisexual people that are monogamous nor of any person that is not seeing non monogamous bi males as the * face * of bisexuality.......

there is no point in fighting a battle over sexuality and stuff in the site, just pm the person quietly and share your opinion with them.... cos to post in the forum, is to risk being rubbished for having a opinion.......

its a shame that the site has become this way, but some people wanted the site to be about bisexuals and more specially bi males... and the level of animosity towards other bisexuals and the monogamous non bisexual members is something that is going to destroy the site and create a place where the very image of bisexuality that we fight against, is the image of the site that people percieve when they come here to read posts and learning about bisexuality......
Yes, some have questioned Bivirgins sexuality because she claims for herself what she denies in others, and she continually confuses bi males (in particular) for homosexuals.

IMO the reason for BiVirgins seemingly irrational and unwarranted slagging of bi males is her desire/fixation for monogamy. NOTHING else! To her we are a bad bet, so due to her fears of infidelity she 'cuts&pastes' every negative she can find onto bi males, so we are something to fear. And of course ALL women should do the same, because all those who don't, are 'fools'!
Sounds like biphobia, looks like biphobia, but IMO it's not about bisexuality at all, it's about her infedelityaphobia (If the word exists?lol).
It's not uncommon either! The OP dumped her bi bf due to that! Not because he's bi, or that they don't love each other, or any abuse goes on etc!
So yes, it IS about monogamy as you said. Sadly, unless both are happy with that, one or both will suffer no matter what.
No point trying to make out that ALL bi's are monogamous though. The OP's ex bf set a good example IMO to be honest and upfront no matter what. That's the best 'image' that can be expected, and scarce with hetero males.:rolleyes:
He should be commended instead of slurred.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Yes, some have questioned Bivirgins sexuality because she claims for herself what she denies in others, and she continually confuses bi males (in particular) for homosexuals.

IMO the reason for BiVirgins seemingly irrational and unwarranted slagging of bi males is her desire/fixation for monogamy. NOTHING else! To her we are a bad bet, so due to her fears of infidelity she 'cuts&pastes' every negative she can find onto bi males, so we are something to fear. And of course ALL women should do the same, because all those who don't, are 'fools'!
Sounds like biphobia, looks like biphobia, but IMO it's not about bisexuality at all, it's about her infedelityaphobia (If the word exists?lol).
It's not uncommon either! The OP dumped her bi bf due to that! Not because he's bi, or that they don't love each other, or any abuse goes on etc!
So yes, it IS about monogamy as you said. Sadly, unless both are happy with that, one or both will suffer no matter what.
No point trying to make out that ALL bi's are monogamous though. The OP's ex bf set a good example IMO to be honest and upfront no matter what. That's the best 'image' that can be expected, and scarce with hetero males.:rolleyes:
He should be commended instead of slurred.

What the hell, Gear?!?:eek2: How can you accuse me of something, I did not do?

[rj2127]

What the hell, Gear?!?:eek2: How can you accuse me of something, I did not do?

I think someone needs to learn to take responsibly for their actions!

[Gearbox]

Sorry Bivirgin, talking about you as if your not there was pretty rude of me. Sorry for that.
I wasn't trying to insult you, but sorry for that too if I did.
I was just trying to understand you, and the things you posted:

If you are reading this sweetie, LEAVE BISEXUAL MEN ALONE. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY TRULY LIKE OR WHICH SIDE THEY WANT TO BE ON AND LET THEM STAY THERE.Bisexual men seem to flip flop, and that can be too much for a woman too take seriously.
This is insulting to bi males (On the surface). Not only were you telling the OP to discriminate against bi's as partners, but also that we should (or can) chose to be gay or straight.
That to YOU is sound advice for the OP, and considering hers and yours stance on exclusivity and from what she wrote, that's understandable.
1. The OP could not satisfy her partners craving for cock with a strapon, or by cam sex with other couples.
2. Despite 4 times a week sex for two years and wanting to marry her, he still wants cock.
Basically, he'd be happy with monogamy if he didn't want cock, and THAT part of him being bi was a threat to the exclusive relationship (which was non-negotiable).

I'm guessing your idea that bi males should 'chose a side' is due to your stance on monogamy and not because you think bisexuality is a confusion of hetero and homo?
Well it doesn't work like that anyway. If it was a choice, I'm sure most bi's in relationships would chose in a heartbeat.:tongue:

If I got you wrong, what are you actually saying?

[BiRobb]

Well, first of all if you use a condom even though you both have been tested that means you really aren't sure about him and without trust the relationship really can't go any further I'm sorry to say.

The other thing I was wondering about when you use the strapon on him is it entirely because that's what he wants or do you also enjoy it, because some women do... I guess what I'm getting at is do you feel that you only do these things for him or does satisfy both of you equally? I think when it comes to sex you can't really enjoy it if it's just to please one of you it really has to be a mutual thing.

Everything else aside I don't think you should stay with him because you both want different things you are straight and not into sex with multiple men he is bisexual and wants the pleasure of a man/men and a woman at the same time. For instance if you were to say to him lets find hot guy and suck his cock together and then you can fuck my while he pleasures your ass I think you know he would be all over that idea and it's simply not what you want. It seems to me you will always be lacking something in the relationship that he will be hinting that he craves, and regardless whether that leads to cheating on his part, he will always feel like something is missing and you will always feel like you can't trust him for that.

I think he really does love you... but he needs to realize he wants you to be a different person and that's not who you are; basically if he is in love with this fantasy he has of you then it's not really you he loves. I don't think he realizes that or he thinks you will change, but that's not who you are and you need to be true to yourself and tell him outright that you are never going to be that person.

[darkeyes]

Then Kate, tell that to Tenni who is pushing the bimale agenda. Now have a nice day.
Don't like 2 involve mesel in a lil spat.. but isn't tenni a bi-male? He hasn't the right to push a bi-male agenda? He does go a bit overboard 'bout it sometimes, but why should we mind him pushing his agenda on a site which is set up for him to do just that? Most members are bisexual males, and not all agree with him, an' tell him so, but gripin' 'bout him doing what he has a right to do is a bit thick...

Woooo... mayb this isn't a bisexual site after all...

[Long Duck Dong]

fran, tell that to the female members that have quit the site recently cos of it... one was bi friendly, one was bi.... and I am not sure about the other 3 ladies

its the way that others are being pushed out / railroaded out of the site cos of it, that is the problem... as they are being questioned over why they are here and why they are not validating their reasoning for being here....or if they are here to learn how to be a good partner to their bi male partner......

that is the problem

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Sorry Bivirgin, talking about you as if your not there was pretty rude of me. Sorry for that.
I wasn't trying to insult you, but sorry for that too if I did.
I was just trying to understand you, and the things you posted:

This is insulting to bi males (On the surface). Not only were you telling the OP to discriminate against bi's as partners, but also that we should (or can) chose to be gay or straight.
That to YOU is sound advice for the OP, and considering hers and yours stance on exclusivity and from what she wrote, that's understandable.
1. The OP could not satisfy her partners craving for cock with a strapon, or by cam sex with other couples.
2. Despite 4 times a week sex for two years and wanting to marry her, he still wants cock.
Basically, he'd be happy with monogamy if he didn't want cock, and THAT part of him being bi was a threat to the exclusive relationship (which was non-negotiable).

I'm guessing your idea that bi males should 'chose a side' is due to your stance on monogamy and not because you think bisexuality is a confusion of hetero and homo?
Well it doesn't work like that anyway. If it was a choice, I'm sure most bi's in relationships would chose in a heartbeat.:tongue:

If I got you wrong, what are you actually saying?

Yes. Part of it comes from monogamy,but the logical part of me thinks if this man wants some cock then he shall have it,but I refuse to be involved with him any longer. If wants something that I do not have then, I should jet him go where he can find it and be happy.

[JP1986UM]

Obviously Google is broken, so I apologize to those who use broken google. Perhaps they did an upgrade somewhere that only part of the planet can use it. I dunno, at any rate, here is the alternate path link for those who's google doesn't seem to work:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alternatepath/

[Gearbox]

Yes. Part of it comes from monogamy,but the logical part of me thinks if this man wants some cock then he shall have it,but I refuse to be involved with him any longer. If wants something that I do not have then, I should jet him go where he can find it and be happy.
That's fair enough IMO.

I'm not trying to say your wrong for having that deal-breaker! But I do think it's a deal-breaker that can cost a lot for something that's just a sexual need (to the partner). I know it wouldn't be that to you, as it's not for the OP either.
What it is to the OP is obviously something VERY important. So important that she throws away 2 years of a loving, honest and trusting relationship and the option to marry the man she loves.
I'm not accusing the OP of anything! Just stating that sexual exclusivity is the highest priority, and would like to know why, and is it worth it?

If wants something that I do not have then, I should jet him go where he can find it and be happy.
(Sorry but I had to delete a way to long novel on that!LOL!) But in short: I think it's really tragic that bisexuality can cause that kind of thinking in partners. I briefly dated a gay bloke who thought the same way. He felt completely 'out of the picture' where my 'hetero side' was concerned. So he tried to 'cure' it.:eek2:
What many don't realise is that there is no straight or gay side, just the bi person as a whole (IMO). And it's the person that does the loving same as it does the sexing. Having or craving sex with a man doesn't make you love and appreciate a female partner any less, and visa versa.
If you had a bi female partner who said she'd like some cock, I'd hope that you'd not take that as her going off you or rejecting you.:)

[tenni]

Post 52 "Woooo... mayb this isn't a bisexual site after all..."
hmm Pity is it not? :(

Yes darkeyes...If tenni has an agenda, it is a bisexual agenda on a bisexual site.
I am a sexual non monogamous bonobo bisexual who happens to be male. I try to understand bisexuality from that perspective.... not a heterosexual female perspective, not an an asexual perspective, not a lesbian or gay perspective. I's am whats I am...on this here buy ..sexuual site...yeppers.;):love87:


Post 53 " fran, tell that to the female members that have quit the site recently cos of it... one was bi friendly, one was bi.... and I am not sure about the other 3 ladies"
It is always amusingly curious how "people" report to this person as if a guru, martyr saviour, keeper of the count of those who leave? Did drew have a job posting for this that the buysexuals missed?

As far as leaving, I have read several who post that they are leaving..only to return again.
I thought that we were suppose to discuss the issues and not the person? People leaving has something to do with the OP statement?

Did I miss the explanation about how the OP wears a condom while having sex with her bisexual boyfriend? Did she make a typo?

[Long Duck Dong]

Post 52 "Woooo... mayb this isn't a bisexual site after all..."
hmm Pity is it not? :(

If tenni has an agenda, it is a bisexual agenda on a bisexual site.
I am a sexual non monogamous bonobo bisexual who happens to be male. I try to understand bisexuality from that perspective.... not a heterosexual female perspective, not an an asexual perspective, not a lesbian or gay perspective. I's am whats I am...on this here buy ..sexuual site...yeppers.;):love87:

Post 53 " fran, tell that to the female members that have quit the site recently cos of it... one was bi friendly, one was bi.... and I am not sure about the other 3 ladies"
It is always amusing how "people" report to this person as if a guru , martyr saviour, keeper of the count of those who leave? Did drew have a job posting for this that the buysexuals missed?

As far as leaving, I have read several who say they are leaving..only to return again.

Why are people posting about me personally? I thought that we were suppose to discuss the issues and not the person? Then again, I do have a view that some do not understand...or like...it seems. Funny I guess that I am not really a bisexual then.

the members I referred to, posted in the forums and have not been back, so I am not sure who they are reporting to... but a couple of them have taken exception to your questioning why they are here and their reasoning..... so when it comes to *reporting * to anybody.....you may want to look in the mirror.....

it is part of the reason why you get mentioned so much by other members, cos they are discussing the issue and the person creating them...

if you do want people to discuss issues, and not people, stop singling them out and causing issues.......and a good example would be things like quoting things I say, then creating a thread /post around them in order to cause more issues and friction......points at the counselor thread and the twisting of info by you.....it was not a issue until you tried to turn it into one

[hecameout]

Yes men can be monogomous. I've begged mine to find a bf, he just wants me.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol hecameout......its not often you hear that but it brought a smile to my face, lol.......

I know there are somethings that my partner can not do for me, but the idea of her in the morning with a subtle and mischievous smile on her face, a dreamy look in her eyes and a * come hither * look .... its something that I will never forget ...... it is part of the reason why I love my partner so much..... and yeah it sounds like your man may feel the same way,... there is something about you and what you do, that really draws him to you... and its near impossible to find that with other people......

its hard to say if that is why he is content with you and you alone..... but its definitely clear that its something very special between you both

the world is a better place with ladies like you in it, as there are bisexual people ( and other sexualities ) that enjoy sharing our lives with people like you.....

[The Bisexual Virgin]

That's fair enough IMO.

I'm not trying to say your wrong for having that deal-breaker! But I do think it's a deal-breaker that can cost a lot for something that's just a sexual need (to the partner). I know it wouldn't be that to you, as it's not for the OP either.
What it is to the OP is obviously something VERY important. So important that she throws away 2 years of a loving, honest and trusting relationship and the option to marry the man she loves.
I'm not accusing the OP of anything! Just stating that sexual exclusivity is the highest priority, and would like to know why, and is it worth it?

(Sorry but I had to delete a way to long novel on that!LOL!) But in short: I think it's really tragic that bisexuality can cause that kind of thinking in partners. I briefly dated a gay bloke who thought the same way. He felt completely 'out of the picture' where my 'hetero side' was concerned. So he tried to 'cure' it.:eek2:
What many don't realise is that there is no straight or gay side, just the bi person as a whole (IMO). And it's the person that does the loving same as it does the sexing. Having or craving sex with a man doesn't make you love and appreciate a female partner any less, and visa versa.
If you had a bi female partner who said she'd like some cock, I'd hope that you'd not take that as her going off you or rejecting you.:)

Yes. I know this might sound silly to y'all, but it would make me very insecure. I can't help but to think what if a man is better than me? With the way gay men and some bisexual men speak about wanting cock so much it's not making me give them the benefit of the doubt. So to avoid feeling these things it's best for him and me to never speak to each other again, and let him be with someone that can fulfill all his sexual needs.

[Long Duck Dong]

there is nothing wrong with that, bi virgin.... its a open and honest statement about how you see yourself........

there is much truth in what you say... and part of the issue is that the focus is not on you as a partner in a relationship with a person, and sharing their interests and understandings, but more a case of its about them, their wants, their desires, their needs and you are just the partner ........

the trouble there is most bi males are not trying to be ungrateful or selfish in the way they express things, but they can tend to forget that their partners may have a interest in the same experiences and being a part of the situation as well.....and that then becomes a aspect of the relationship that is a shared experience.... other members like bityme have talked about it, how their love making is a shared experience and so is their experiences with the other people that they spend time with......

its a important part of a relationship that often is not addressed and very neglected in the site..... the sharing......

if you are with a bi sexual male that has a interest in cocks, then you as their partner, should have the right to express if you want to be part of the experience and share it with them... as it can heighten the experiences for both and help your partner feel more at ease and more accepted with what he likes to do..... however in saying that, the reverse is also true, they need to be open to sharing your experiences as well on a equal footing

part of the trouble is that its a idealistic ideal for many people and the sad reality is that not all partners are equally interested in the same things.... you may have a bi male partner that enjoys experiences with you and other males but you may not be interested in being with a female...and so that can shut the door on that aspect of things......

so compromise and understanding of each others desires, interests and needs are something that is a important part of the relationship.......and expressing your concerns to your partner and vice versa, is a key area

so no, it doesn't sound silly to me, its a genuine and very real concern of yours..... and bi, dear..... sucking a cock can be nice, but its not the same as making love to you... so do not sell yourself short by thinking that allowing a partner to go with other males, will bring him total happiness, as you may be 90% of the reason he is happy..... its something a lot of people talk about in the site..... their partners and how happy they are with their partners....

[falcondfw]

Yes. I know this might sound silly to y'all, but it would make me very insecure. I can't help but to think what if a man is better than me? With the way gay men and some bisexual men speak about wanting cock so much it's not making me give them the benefit of the doubt. So to avoid feeling these things it's best for him and me to never speak to each other again, and let him be with someone that can fulfill all his sexual needs.

BiVirgin,

It does not sound silly to me at all.
I do not know your age, but i would guess pretty young. And that is fine. Let me explain.

I have noticed younger women (friends, my wife when we first met, my ex-fiance, my fiance), they all feel very insecure. This look is not right. They can pinch 1/8th of an inch. Their boobs are too small. Their boobs are too big. Whatever. If there is one SINGLE flaw in them, they feel totally unworthy of love. Or, if their partner is looking into a store window in the mall as a pretty girl walks by, the gf is insanely jealous, even if the guy was looking at the store window to pick out lingerie or flowers for the gf.

I am not saying that is you. What i am saying is, you are not completely secure in your relationships because of whatever perceived imperfection, even though the whole world around you thinks you are awesome. Or because something you thought your bf did, even if it was totally innocent (if it was not innocent, then you should feel jealous and upset.).

One on one, many women think they can compete and win against another woman. But this is a body part you don't have! How can you possibly compete against that?

Honestly, you can't. HOWEVER

And this is a MAJOR however. He chose you over every one else out there, man or woman. Will he have cravings if he is bi? DUH! BUT. If he chose you and you told him no and you are both honest in your communications, the answer will be no. He will not want to risk what he has with you for a craving. He connects with you. You understand him. He understands you. That is irreplaceable.

Are there idiots who will risk it? again, DUH! Same as with any hetero couple where people get "the itch". But if the two of you have excellent communications and constantly work at your relationship, you have nothing to fear. But is this anything different than any couple faces? the possibility of cheating?

[The Bisexual Virgin]

there is nothing wrong with that, bi virgin.... its a open and honest statement about how you see yourself........

there is much truth in what you say... and part of the issue is that the focus is not on you as a partner in a relationship with a person, and sharing their interests and understandings, but more a case of its about them, their wants, their desires, their needs and you are just the partner ........

the trouble there is most bi males are not trying to be ungrateful or selfish in the way they express things, but they can tend to forget that their partners may have a interest in the same experiences and being a part of the situation as well.....and that then becomes a aspect of the relationship that is a shared experience.... other members like bityme have talked about it, how their love making is a shared experience and so is their experiences with the other people that they spend time with......

its a important part of a relationship that often is not addressed and very neglected in the site..... the sharing......

if you are with a bi sexual male that has a interest in cocks, then you as their partner, should have the right to express if you want to be part of the experience and share it with them... as it can heighten the experiences for both and help your partner feel more at ease and more accepted with what he likes to do..... however in saying that, the reverse is also true, they need to be open to sharing your experiences as well on a equal footing

part of the trouble is that its a idealistic ideal for many people and the sad reality is that not all partners are equally interested in the same things.... you may have a bi male partner that enjoys experiences with you and other males but you may not be interested in being with a female...and so that can shut the door on that aspect of things......

so compromise and understanding of each others desires, interests and needs are something that is a important part of the relationship.......and expressing your concerns to your partner and vice versa, is a key area

so no, it doesn't sound silly to me, its a genuine and very real concern of yours..... and bi, dear..... sucking a cock can be nice, but its not the same as making love to you... so do not sell yourself short by thinking that allowing a partner to go with other males, will bring him total happiness, as you may be 90% of the reason he is happy..... its something a lot of people talk about in the site..... their partners and how happy they are with their partners....

I feel like whenever I enter a relationship with someone, I will try my best to make them happy. And I said the exact same thing you said in another post thread. It's about them and not the partner. I know they might not try to be selfish, but it is what it is.And doing some research on the internet that's why lot of straight females cannot handle a bisexual man. It's sad but true.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol.... nods..... a lot of partners want to make their partners happy, its a noble gesture.... but one that can lead to issues as its not always possible for any number of reasons....sexuality and monogamous / non monogamous are just a couple of them

its part of why I keep a open mind about people, as each person is different and some people are not able to cope with a open relationship, while others are....and I face the same issue myself, I have a monogamous partner that is open minded about a lot of things, but I also struggle with the desire to be monogamous and also the understanding that I am interested and attracted to both genders.... tho for me its more than just a sexual interest.....

that and I have been dealing with people for years and I see the same problems with females and guys of all sexualities..... but its generally the straight, monogamous female that is regarded as the insensitive, selfish bitch and the bi male as the male slut........ the trouble with that, is its a image that a lot of bi males end up having to deal with when they are coming out to their partners... and something that causes more issues for guys coming out than most other aspects of bisexuality.....

I have spent years trying to get my own religious and LGBT phobic mother to open her eyes, I am not trying to stop her having a opinion, even if I do not agree with it.... but I am bisexual and my sister was a bisexual / lesbian with a lesbian partner.... my sister, skye was disowned by the family for being LGBT, having a lesbian partner, having aids...... and I am in the dog box cos I am bisexual and I caregive for a elderly gay man.... so i have seen first hand how negative attitudes can destroy families and lives..... the only reason my family do not disown me, is cos they need my handyman skills.... so its not about changing my mothers opinion, just getting her to see how the family was torn apart cos of her opinion.....and how misinformation is so destructive.....

its why I am the way I am in the forum.... its always easier for people to be negative about people when its not their own partner / family that the remarks are made about.....and the remarks are often untrue about people, but when straight people read them ( as guests or members of the site ) when they come here for help, it can make them less inclined to be more open minded about bisexual people and their partners.....and it makes it that much harder for bisexual people to come out to their partners.....
and in the long run, they could be the people that vote for things like LGBT marriage in places like the US, so we cost ourselves allies as well.....and prolong the ongoing fight for LGBT marriage rights

so yeah its a issue that some bisexual people can actually create for themselves and others, by the things they say or do.....and the same goes for any other sexuality......yet its near always the other people that get the blame for it.....

as for fixing the issue.... its never going to happen, as people can often not see anything wrong with what they do, only what they think other people are doing wrong

[tenni]

post 63
"He chose you over every one else out there, man or woman. Will he have cravings if he is bi? DUH! BUT. If he chose you and you told him no and you are both honest in your communications, the answer will be no. He will not want to risk what he has with you for a craving. He connects with you. You understand him. He understands you. That is irreplaceable."

This is true for some bisexual men. Men who have a mild desire rather than a strong need for m2m sex may be able to do what falcon writes. He may not want to risk what he has but that will not make him a better bisexual man than another. If you have connected and accept each other for who you are then she will want him not to suppress his sexuality.

Some bisexual men do enter into relationships with women thinking that they can suppress their need for m2m sex. They believe that they may chose a woman over a man. Due to the fluidity of sexual needs in bisexual men, Bimen find out sometimes ten or more years later that they can not suppress their need while others only have a mild desire and chose a woman over anyone else..man or woman. It doesn't mean one type of bisexual man loves his female partner more than the other. Suppressing a need may have the biman end up very unhappy and often unhealthy due to the suppression. * (Far more bisexuals suffer from alcoholism and depression than gays/lesbians according to the Human Rights Commission of San Francisco on a compilation study of bisexual invisibility in 2011 or 2010 )

Women who enter into a relationship with a bisexual man need certain understandings and traits. This is only my opinion though based on readings and personal research.
1/ She will know that his need for sex with other men does not diminish his love for her.
2/She will know and ACCEPT that at times he may need sex with other men.
3/ She should understand that his need for sex with women will be meet by her.
3/ She should be personally independent.
4/ She should have a good positive self esteem and value who she is.
5/ She should be secure, self assured and self confident.

If the woman does not have these traits, she probably is not the right woman for a bisexual man whether she herself is bisexual or heterosexual.

[DuckiesDarling]

post 63
"He chose you over every one else out there, man or woman. Will he have cravings if he is bi? DUH! BUT. If he chose you and you told him no and you are both honest in your communications, the answer will be no. He will not want to risk what he has with you for a craving. He connects with you. You understand him. He understands you. That is irreplaceable."

This is true for some bisexual men. Men who have a mild desire rather than a strong need for m2m sex may be able to do what falcon writes. He may not want to risk what he has but that will not make him a better bisexual man than another. If you have connected and accept each other for who you are then she will want him not to suppress his sexuality.

Some bisexual men do enter into relationships with women thinking that they can suppress their need for m2m sex. They believe that they may chose a woman over a man. Due to the fluidity of sexual needs in bisexual men, Bimen find out sometimes ten or more years later that they can not suppress their need while others only have a mild desire and chose a woman over anyone else..man or woman. It doesn't mean one type of bisexual man loves his female partner more than the other. Suppressing a need may have the biman end up very unhappy and often unhealthy due to the suppression. (alcoholism and depression being two of the greater causes in bisexuals according to the Human Rights Commission of San Francisco on a compilation study of bisexual invisibility in 2011 or 2010.

Women who enter into a relationship with a bisexual man need certain understandings and traits. This is only my opinion though based on readings and personal research.
1/ She will know that his need for sex with other men does not diminish his love for her.
2/She will know and ACCEPT that at times he may need sex with other men.
3/ She should understand that his need for sex with women will be meet by her.
3/ She should be personally independent.
4/ She should have a good positive self esteem and value who she is.
5/ She should be secure, self assured and self confident.

If the woman does not have these traits, she probably is not the right woman for a bisexual man whether she herself is bisexual or heterosexual.

Well, Tenni, I hope you find your perfect woman but for the rest of us we muddle through as best we can and there is no need to ACCEPT anything when you are involved with a bi man. You obviously have failed to connect with someone who has ever attempted to understand your bisexual side but you are sure not the one to be giving the advice to people on here and stating who would be proper partners for who when there is way more to a relationship than just sex. When you understand that then maybe you will understand the actual meaning of the word relationship.

[falcondfw]

post 63
"He chose you over every one else out there, man or woman. Will he have cravings if he is bi? DUH! BUT. If he chose you and you told him no and you are both honest in your communications, the answer will be no. He will not want to risk what he has with you for a craving. He connects with you. You understand him. He understands you. That is irreplaceable."

This is true for some bisexual men. Men who have a mild desire rather than a strong need for m2m sex may be able to do what falcon writes. He may not want to risk what he has but that will not make him a better bisexual man than another. If you have connected and accept each other for who you are then she will want him not to suppress his sexuality.

Some bisexual men do enter into relationships with women thinking that they can suppress their need for m2m sex. They believe that they may chose a woman over a man. Due to the fluidity of sexual needs in bisexual men, Bimen find out sometimes ten or more years later that they can not suppress their need while others only have a mild desire and chose a woman over anyone else..man or woman. It doesn't mean one type of bisexual man loves his female partner more than the other. Suppressing a need may have the biman end up very unhappy and often unhealthy due to the suppression. * (Far more bisexuals suffer from alcoholism and depression than gays/lesbians according to the Human Rights Commission of San Francisco on a compilation study of bisexual invisibility in 2011 or 2010 )

Women who enter into a relationship with a bisexual man need certain understandings and traits. This is only my opinion though based on readings and personal research.
1/ She will know that his need for sex with other men does not diminish his love for her.
2/She will know and ACCEPT that at times he may need sex with other men.
3/ She should understand that his need for sex with women will be meet by her.
3/ She should be personally independent.
4/ She should have a good positive self esteem and value who she is.
5/ She should be secure, self assured and self confident.

If the woman does not have these traits, she probably is not the right woman for a bisexual man whether she herself is bisexual or heterosexual.

Tenni,

I agree with you in part, but disagree with most of what you said.

I agree that the optimal relationship is with an understanding. kind, open woman. But if the bisexuality is revealed after a long time relationship, it can be a total shock to the woman or man. These things go both ways. As for your link, like government numbers, I do not believe what The Human Rights Commission Of San Francisco says. They have a rather obvious agenda and the numbers will be skewed in their favor.

What you have stated for your opinion of a woman who enters a relationship with a bisexual man is truly wonderful. but, honestly, unrealistic. And if you keep looking for the woman you stated, sadly, I fear you will be lonely for a very long time (and no one needs that.).

Most women I have known come with a healthy dose of self-doubt and insecurity. Some even come with self-loathing. Some with tremendous guilt. Most I have known have little, if any, self-esteem. Those that appear to, usually end up being revealed as putting on an act.

It takes serious trust, honesty, and commitment to the relationship for a straight woman and a bi man (or the reverse) to have a long term relationship. The trust and honesty usually only come after a long time, but can happen up front if the communication is there.

Tenni, I truly hope you find "the one" for you. No one should be lonely. It sucks.

[tenni]

Clarification for post 66 & 67

understand definition
To perceive and comprehend the nature and significance of; grasp.

accept definition
to take or receive (something offered); receive with approval or favor

There is a difference imo between understanding bisexuality and accepting bisexuality.(I've tried to work this out and posted before)

If you understand bisexuality, you grasp what it is and comprehend the nature of bisexuality. You place the significance of a bisexual in that person's life.

When a person moves to acceptance of bisexuality, they approve of bisexuality either in their own life or another person's sexuality as a bisexual. They see bisexuality as a good thing without negativity and fear. Imo with reference to hetero women and bisexual men, they accept that a bisexual man may need sex with another man and are not personally threatened. Their self esteem permits them to see bisexuality in the man as favourable.
.........................
I am interested in exploring and discussing with rational bisexuals our life as a bisexual to improve our common acceptance. I am not intending to give advice any more than anyone else on this site. For me, my comments are about understanding and about getting bisexual men accepted for who we are and not for what people want us to be inorder to be accepted by society.

Personally there seems to be a misunderstanding as to my life.(which is no one's business) and my posts.
I am a non monogamous, bonobo (affection ambassador sorta) bisexual at this point in my life. I am not seeking an on going relationship with a woman. I am very empathetic to bisexual men's plight.

[tenni]

Post 68
I agree completely with you.
To add to your thoughts and give my own a bit.

"But if the bisexuality is revealed after a long time relationship, it can be a total shock to the woman or man."

I agree with you falcon. When posting on this site, I prefer to focus on the bisexual man rather than a heterosexual woman with societal heterosexual monosexual morality supporting her. If society was more accepting of bisexual men, the sexuality transition reported in men over 40 would be understood and accepted better. Fluidity of sexuality would be tolerated and both men and woman would be prepared better earlier on in life that their own sexuality may change as they mature. When it does happen, it can be very hard later in life to deal with for anyone involved in the person's life. Recently, I have been reading disclosures from gay men for the past five years dealing with their sexuality changing from solidly gay in their youth to later in life becoming more bisexual curiousity of having sex with women(not as much emotional attachment though).

I wonder about sexuality exploration in youth that I am hearing a little bit of. It may be a positive and healthy attitude in some younger people...sadly not all. Still a good sign.

Are we on topic still?...:)

[Long Duck Dong]

it is always easier to tell others how to live their lives and not live according to the rules we create for others, than it is to live by the rules we create for others and find out just how many people do not accept our rules......


6905

[falcondfw]

Post 68
I agree completely with you.
To add to your thoughts and give my own a bit.

"But if the bisexuality is revealed after a long time relationship, it can be a total shock to the woman or man."

I agree with you falcon. When posting on this site, I prefer to focus on the bisexual man rather than a heterosexual woman with societal heterosexual monosexual morality supporting her. If society was more accepting of bisexual men, the sexuality transition reported in men over 40 would be understood and accepted better. Fluidity of sexuality would be tolerated and both men and woman would be prepared better earlier on in life that their own sexuality may change as they mature. When it does happen, it can be very hard later in life to deal with for anyone involved in the person's life. Recently, I have been reading disclosures from gay men for the past five years dealing with their sexuality changing from solidly gay in their youth to later in life becoming more bisexual curiousity of having sex with women(not as much emotional attachment though).

I wonder about sexuality exploration in youth that I am hearing a little bit of. It may be a positive and healthy attitude in some younger people...sadly not all. Still a good sign.

Are we on topic still?...:)

No Tenni,

We are way off the original subject and I truly apologize to the OP.
If I may make a suggestion, don't focus on your own agenda when responding to a thread. Just respond to the OP's questions. No agenda. Nothing. Honest person to person feelings.
If you want to push your agenda, start your own thread, back it up with facts, and be persuasive. lol.
As long as you treat people with respect in your threads, people will respect you and look at the arguments as presented.

Again, it was not my intent to hijack this thread and I apologize to the OP.

[tenni]

falcon
Sir, what is your agenda?(post 72 comment to me about agenda)

What was the OP's agenda for creating this thread?
She wrote a long passage about relating to a bisexual man.
"I know that my boyfriend is bisexual. He told me when we met. We have been together for 2 years. Lat night,he brought up the fact that he would like to feel a mans penis again. http://www.bisexual.com/images/smilies/confused.png What in the heck do I say to that? Anyway,I told him that if he has any intentions of being with me,that it is with me and only me. He wanted me to be more open minded(=doing what he wants to do in my mind). He has talked about marriage with me. "

An agenda about being a bisexual is a good thing to have on a bisexual site. Is it not?

She knew that he was bisexual. What the heck does she do about him wanting to have sex with a man? Read my post's opinion.

I am uncertain about her long OP agenda. Is she confused and asking for help or does her thread have a negative agenda about bisexual men?

In post 3 she states that she has left the bisexual boyfriend. Yet, she comes to a bisexual web site and creates this thread. They do not seem compatible. As a self disclosed bisexual man he may want to have sex with another man's penis. She should not be surprised. She does not seem to have the personality traits needed to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. He is being a bisexual man and open and honest with her(I believe that there were other factors that she wrote about too that shed negativism).
post 3 "Well,thank you for reading my horribly written novel. I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work. I thank you for your advice and time. .....I don't want to be insensitive to bi's. "

I would hope sir that both of our agendas on this site is about being a bisexual man and how we determine to live our lives as best we can. Thank you sir for your advice but I believe that I will remain focused on my agenda as it seems most appropriate for a bisexual site.

Again, if not that ....What is your agenda sir? In reflection, I think that I have been on thread topic but the OP was elusive.

[Gearbox]

Yes. I know this might sound silly to y'all, but it would make me very insecure. I can't help but to think what if a man is better than me? With the way gay men and some bisexual men speak about wanting cock so much it's not making me give them the benefit of the doubt. So to avoid feeling these things it's best for him and me to never speak to each other again, and let him be with someone that can fulfill all his sexual needs.
Nothing that effects your life so strongly is silly! Far from it!
We all have a degree of insecurity in one way or another. The one your talking about is VERY common, which on one hand is comforting to know that your not alone with it. But on the other hand it's distressing to know that it will be enforced by others of the same insecurity.
You can ask your friends about it, and most will tell you that your fears are real and justified, not imagined and self harming. But ask if they deal with it or shape their lives around it, and you may find the commonality of a group isn't a comfort at all.

Your completely right about some/most/all bi's fascination with cock. That's not imagined, and I can vouch for that.lol
What IS imagined is it's measure of you, and it being a FULL satisfaction to all. It doesn't mean that you are inferior to a cock! Nor does it mean that you have nothing without one.
You are NOT a vagina! Nobody will love you for your vagina, or for sex with you! That's something fuckbuds do, and not lovers.

Take the OP's bf. He wanted to marry her DESPITE her lack of a real cock. He could get cock elsewhere, he could get vagina elsewhere, but he wanted to be with HER. The sex was irrelevant to how he felt about her emotionally, and he had no problem making that distinction.
She did though. Don't you think that it's sad that she'd judge how much she's loved by sex?:( If that's so?

IMO the OP was insecure from the start. She thought she could satisfy his bisexual tendencies with group cam-sex and using a strap-on. They had sex 4 times a week for two years, and she did all she could to be his one source of sexual satisfaction.
When he told her he wanted cock, she felt betrayed and lied to. WHY?
IMO she took that as proof he didn't really love her. She didn't feel wanted or needed any more, and the effort she put into sex didn't 'pay off'.

I am NOT saying to you, "Go get a bi and let him fuck all and sundry!". I'm trying to say, "Love yourself as you are, and not use sex as a ANY kind of guide for how your loved by others!". Won't ever do you good!
I do hope you'll try dealing with insecurity head on, and not try shaping the world around you to protect you from it. NEVER works. Believe me, I've met some really bitter, jealous, paranoid people MUCH older than you, that still live with their fears after all the needless pain it put them through. They tell themselves that it's dangerous to love somebody. But it's themselves they find hardest to love, and without THAT love, life is scary. Try not to end up like that.:eek:

Here's a link that might help. (NOT meaning offence btw!): http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings-insecurity.htm

[Long Duck Dong]

gearbox

"Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor. He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed"

"I love him deeply and it hurts me,because I feel like I've been lied to. He has talked about marriage non stop. In fact,he just texted me his ideal future. I told him that I don't think that I can give it to him. His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive. I don't think that I am. I feel like I have been holding his hand every step of his coming out and no person has held mine. It has always been "You should this or that" "Be this or that to his feelings" I know that coming out is crazy hard and just brutal"

she admitted that she can not be the person he wants.....she made a attempt to compromise and got told that she was the problem..... cos she was the woman he wanted to be with, and he was a guy that she wanted and loved, but they could not reach a understanding.... if the guy really wanted happiness, he should have been open to working to a compromise with her cos that may have worked, instead of shutting the door on it and blaming her cos he was not getting HIS dream come true.....and it cost him a relationship that was actually a bloody good one.......

this has been my point constantly in this thread and others..... it is the woman that is blamed constantly for a situation that takes BOTH people reaching a understanding and a agreement...... and this is what a lot of straight females are seeing..... they are seeing that even before they start, they are wrong.....and its the reverse aspect of the bisexual feeling that they are wrong before they even start, something that pisses a lot of bisexuals off.......

post 17 in the Do you think a man should tell a straight woman about his sexuality? thread, its the OPs post to tenni

I will even post it for you

Hello
It seems easy to tell women that all bi men aren't "like that". I have been with a handful of bisexual men. I lived in a certain area for awhile. It's easy to say "give us a chance" You're not the one dealing with the things that comes with a bisexual man. Yes,I know being a male who is attracted to men is pretty much a sin to some people,so it is a crazy scary road and I understand that. I have been with my current bf as he took that road and it was not at all easy for me neither. You can't sit there and tell me that a good amount of bi men are going to need a male companion somewhere down the line. I have been to groups and talks this and that. Yes,there are a fair amount of men who won't,but come on. Lets be honest. Some women are stepping into a relationship and even marrying a male KNOWING that he doesn't want a monogamous relationship and some are great about it and others just put it in the back of their minds or chance it anyway.

I have heard close to 200 stories from women. I belong to a group in Chicago and one in Rhode Island. I have heard both sides back and forth. It all boiled down to "women should let bisexual men explore their sexuality". Okay,I'm done. We're not trying to change the attraction. So,there is really nothing left to say. I would be a fool to keep dating bi men and ending up with the same results. I don't advocate to women about bi men. If someone were to ask me about my experience,I would tell them,but I always say that all men are different. Dealing with MY bisexual boyfriend has been a complete waste of time. Not because he likes men,but because I felt that he knew that he could never be with just one person. Yes,people cheat,but there are people who actually go into a relationship with monogamy on their mind. I'm not biphobic,I just don't want to deal with someones sexual journey.

Call it what you want. Call it selfish,a pity,mean,bitter or whatever,but figure it out before marriage and dating a female who is not into threesomes. Some men have called be a prude. I am very open in the bedroom and I have dealt with threesomes with my ex bf from college. It is not for me and some of the bi men that have asked me out or are in out groups seem to be gay,not bi. I am black and my boyfriend is of mixed heritage(Greek and Italian). Some of the men in our talk groups have told him that they don't find black women attractive and would not date them. Should I call them racist or....blackphobic. They should not be going around announcing it and bashing the features of a certain group. Many didn't seem to think that he was ignorant and thought that he was just stating his opinion.

He went on and on about our features. Our nose,our big behinds,our skin,our hair texture. If he just said, I am not interested in dating blacks,I would have left it there. That is his preference,but he started to bash. My boyfriend(soon to be ex) was an inch from getting into it,but he knows that I don't like fighting for words. It's not worth it. Now,THAT is bashing. People need to be careful when they label some bi or homophobic. It seems as if some men get very upset when a woman simply states a "NO". I am not talking about the bashing women. I am talking about men asking women "Would you date a bisexual male" and The answer is a simply no or a nope. Then the next question is "why not" don't ask to elaborate if you're not ready for it. People generalize every sort of person.

I just found this forum and I can't even count how many "I am bi and I fool around on my wife/gf" post that I have came across. There are men encouraging it,so that does not make it any easier. My groups were the same. There were monogamous couples in both of them,but the ratio of MtoNM was about 20/50 in my RI group. That is not an encouraging fact to deal with. I'm all for a male exploring his bi side,but not with me. If someone came onto a certain forum for a certain group and read the same things 6/10 times,it would lead to a generalization. No person should be bashing bi men or any other group,but a woman has a right to make a choice on what sort of man(or woman) she wants to be with rather it be straight or not. I never heard any woman say "straight men are easier" in any of my groups. That has never came into our minds. My boyfriend has asked that in a discussion and most of us laughed. It's just another set of obstacles to get through and it is very tough.


no matter how much the OP would compromise, she will always be wrong cos the bi male is not getting what he wants.. IE her, a relationship, a marriage and sexual freedom..... and I am not saying that a bi male should go without his desires or interests..... but that if it doesn't work out.... that bi guys need to realise that they were also not the right person for the woman.... and that its not always the womans fault that it did not work out

[Gearbox]

no matter how much the OP would compromise, she will always be wrong cos the bi male is not getting what he wants.. IE her, a relationship, a marriage and sexual freedom..... and I am not saying that a bi male should go without his desires or interests..... but that if it doesn't work out.... that bi guys need to realise that they were also not the right person for the woman.... and that its not always the womans fault that it did not work out.
Dear me LDD, I can read English pretty well, and remember what I've read too. No need to go to all that trouble, honest!:rolleyes:

Now maybe you need reminding that there was no compromise, and the OP dumped her bf because she couldn't get what SHE wanted: Monogamy?
That's neither partners fault, as there is NO compromise between monogamy and sexual freedom (without cheating). It's either one or the other. They are not suited on that point, and it's crucial point.

[gen11]

The man who is the subject of this tread was admirably honest, open, and candid. He is what he is and he opened the relationship putting his cards on the table.

I agree with the advice to the woman to walk away -- for his sake.

[tenni]

Post 76 & 77
I basically agree with you gel after trying again to deceiper her long rambling OP.

Beyond what you and Gear state. It seems to me that there was insufficient communication and understanding on her part as to what his bisexuality meant to him. What it might mean to their relationship. He told her that he was bisexual from the get go but what happened over two years seems unclear. She seemed unprepared that there might come a day when he wanted sex with another man. He may have failed to communicate or he may have believed that her love would make him not need to feel dick. Since his brother has been talking to her and refers to her as being insensitive about her lover, we do not really know why his brother thinks this way? We know that her lover refused to go with her to counselling and they went to all of these gay (not bi) support events ahead of his refusal to go to counselling. Why does he think that it is women like her that make bisexuals cheat? A very important part is that we are reading and posting over 70 times a one sided story. Pieces do not seem to connect at points.

It doesn't seem that she "learned" that some bisexual men may one day want/need to feel a real penis. There seems no bisexual support event/group giving that "truth" out. If after two years, she is just telling him now that she demands monogamy communication seems to not have happened clearly enough over the past two years.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Nothing that effects your life so strongly is silly! Far from it!
We all have a degree of insecurity in one way or another. The one your talking about is VERY common, which on one hand is comforting to know that your not alone with it. But on the other hand it's distressing to know that it will be enforced by others of the same insecurity.
You can ask your friends about it, and most will tell you that your fears are real and justified, not imagined and self harming. But ask if they deal with it or shape their lives around it, and you may find the commonality of a group isn't a comfort at all.

Your completely right about some/most/all bi's fascination with cock. That's not imagined, and I can vouch for that.lol
What IS imagined is it's measure of you, and it being a FULL satisfaction to all. It doesn't mean that you are inferior to a cock! Nor does it mean that you have nothing without one.
You are NOT a vagina! Nobody will love you for your vagina, or for sex with you! That's something fuckbuds do, and not lovers.

Take the OP's bf. He wanted to marry her DESPITE her lack of a real cock. He could get cock elsewhere, he could get vagina elsewhere, but he wanted to be with HER. The sex was irrelevant to how he felt about her emotionally, and he had no problem making that distinction.
She did though. Don't you think that it's sad that she'd judge how much she's loved by sex?:( If that's so?

IMO the OP was insecure from the start. She thought she could satisfy his bisexual tendencies with group cam-sex and using a strap-on. They had sex 4 times a week for two years, and she did all she could to be his one source of sexual satisfaction.
When he told her he wanted cock, she felt betrayed and lied to. WHY?
IMO she took that as proof he didn't really love her. She didn't feel wanted or needed any more, and the effort she put into sex didn't 'pay off'.

I am NOT saying to you, "Go get a bi and let him fuck all and sundry!". I'm trying to say, "Love yourself as you are, and not use sex as a ANY kind of guide for how your loved by others!". Won't ever do you good!
I do hope you'll try dealing with insecurity head on, and not try shaping the world around you to protect you from it. NEVER works. Believe me, I've met some really bitter, jealous, paranoid people MUCH older than you, that still live with their fears after all the needless pain it put them through. They tell themselves that it's dangerous to love somebody. But it's themselves they find hardest to love, and without THAT love, life is scary. Try not to end up like that.:eek:

Here's a link that might help. (NOT meaning offence btw!): http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings-insecurity.htm

Thank you for sending me the link,but me being insecure has nothing to do with his sexual preference. If a bisexual man that's in relationship with a woman,and he is just determine to have cock then that's his true sexual desires. I am with the OP here. A lot of relationships ends whenever sex and money is involved. There is no amount of love a woman can give, or how much sex she provides him, if he is going to cheat he will cheat. A grown man will do what the hell he wants.

[alomas]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you can look at it not from a sexual preference or gender issue but do you really want to share him with someone else? I think the answer is no. Don't beat yourself up on this. Just be glad you have found out early enough to walk away. I don't think you are very well matched.

Good luck to you

[Long Duck Dong]

Dear me LDD, I can read English pretty well, and remember what I've read too. No need to go to all that trouble, honest!:rolleyes:

Now maybe you need reminding that there was no compromise, and the OP dumped her bf because she couldn't get what SHE wanted: Monogamy?
That's neither partners fault, as there is NO compromise between monogamy and sexual freedom (without cheating). It's either one or the other. They are not suited on that point, and it's crucial point.

I need reminding ??? lol its something I have been saying constantly lol....... cos it applies to any and every relationship where a person is not monogamous natured and the other person is monogamous natured......there is either a monogamous or non monogamous relationship.....and somebody has to lose........
I fully agree that its the one aspect of a relationship that can not be compromised... and to me, its the biggest hurdle to get past...

I disagree with her not getting what she wanted, that she had the monogamy she wanted for the 2 years they were together.....

its why I respect the monogamous people that give permission, they make a huge sacrifice based on love, trust, honesty and communication..... and for the non monogamous people, I would love to say the same, but for a lot of them they can not sacrifice what they do not have....but I definitely respect how much guts it takes to come out to a person and risk everything..... or say they are non monogamous to a prospective partner, knowing that it can stop things in their tracks......

its why I generally avoid devaluing people as selfish, insecure, etc etc.....or label people that do not want to date bisexuals, as bi phobic.....cos they only want the type of relationship that is right for them....and we are no different, it doesn't make us selfish, greedy or heterophobic if we choose not to be with people that are monogamous.....we just want the type of relationship that is right for us......

society may change in the future and non monogamy may become the norm, but that will still not change those that are monogamous natured.... any more than having a majority hetero society, changed us into heteros, we still remain LGBT.....

[Gearbox]

LDD, it's not devaluing people to call them selfish or insecure. It would hardly be honest or helpful to call the OP secure now would it? It's a big old 'elephant in the room' that goes unchecked at our peril.
It's insecurity that devalues the person and even those they love. They do love them, but not as much as they fear abandonment etc.
That's why after 2 years of monog, the OP refused 2 mins of non-monog and rejected the person she loved. Fear and low self esteem!

Yes that's why some people refuse to date bisexuals (as if we're ALL non-monog.lol). The ultimate relationship to them is one that shields them from their fears. They don't give a crap about finding a person to love, or to share their life journey! Their freedom STOPS when partnered up. It's their fears that take priority, and not their love. Once the security has gone, it's 'game over' for both. NOT good if you need to explore and express your bisexuality or any sexuality!

So yes, maybe the insecure should be biphobic, and some bi's be monogaphobic?lol It could well save a lot of heartache for all.
But IMO it would do ALL a very healthy favour to deal with our insecurities instead of running away from them. If we did that, there'd be no homophobia, biphobia etc etc etc, and no irrational fears to fek us up.:)

[Long Duck Dong]

it may not be devaluing to you gear..... but to me its the same as somebody that doesn't know you, saying that you are scared of commitment, settling down, monogamy etc, without actually getting to know you.... to me that would be devaluing you as a person, a male bisexual that is secure in his understanding of what he wants in a relationship and a partner.....

for all we know, the OP may be very secure in herself and her choices..... and to assume she is insecure for not being interested in a non monogamous relationship, is pretty much making assumptions about her......

I have seen the same arguments time and time again about people in many forums about how if people do not want in their lives, what we want in ours, they must have issues that they will not face and deal with...... we get shit like that from some gay people about how bisexuals are too scared to face the fact they are gay.... and to me, thats devaluing a lot of bisexuals......

at least she is free to find a partner that shares her desire for a monogamous relationship and did not sacrifice her desires to keep her partner happy and give him, his dream, and he is free to find a partner that will not be a *woman that is the reason that bi males cheat * ( his words, not mine )

[Vuillardgr]

it may not be devaluing to you gear..... but to me its the same as somebody that doesn't know you, saying that you are scared of commitment, settling down, monogamy etc, without actually getting to know you.... to me that would be devaluing you as a person, a male bisexual that is secure in his understanding of what he wants in a relationship and a partner.....

for all we know, the OP may be very secure in herself and her choices..... and to assume she is insecure for not being interested in a non monogamous relationship, is pretty much making assumptions about her......

I have seen the same arguments time and time again about people in many forums about how if people do not want in their lives, what we want in ours, they must have issues that they will not face and deal with...... we get shit like that from some gay people about how bisexuals are too scared to face the fact they are gay.... and to me, thats devaluing a lot of bisexuals......

at least she is free to find a partner that shares her desire for a monogamous relationship and did not sacrifice her desires to keep her partner happy and give him, his dream, and he is free to find a partner that will not be a *woman that is the reason that bi males cheat * ( his words, not mine )

I agree. Instead of judging each other about being straight, bi, gay, poly, mono, etc....We all need to have a good understanding of ourselves and what we need and desire in a relationship. The OP seems to really love her fiance but as she said, " she didn't sign up for this sort of life". It was great that both were honest with each other at the beginning. She did her best to take steps into experimenting with toys and different sorts of play. It isn't fair to say she is selfish and insecure because it would be hurtful to her for him to be with someone else. Man or woman. She just knows herself and knows what she will and won't accept from a partner. She shows how much she loves him but she is correct in balancing that with letting him know her boundaries.

If her limits don't correlate with his, then they should definitely evaluate their relationship. How is it fair for a monogamous person to be thought of as selfish and insecure? It's easy for some to cast such allegations. Wouldn't a poly person's hackles rise if a mono called them selfish and greedy and not able to work on loving one person because they are putting their sexual needs above their love for their partner? Should they be called monophobic? No.

We all are individuals and before we dive into any relationship(s) with anyone, it's important to know our needs as well as our potential partner(s). Let's stop the 5 cent skewed psych evaluations that Lucy use to practice in Charlie Brown cartoons and allow each other to be free to make decisions that are right for us.

[Gearbox]

it may not be devaluing to you gear..... but to me its the same as somebody that doesn't know you, saying that you are scared of commitment, settling down, monogamy etc, without actually getting to know you.... to me that would be devaluing you as a person, a male bisexual that is secure in his understanding of what he wants in a relationship and a partner.....

for all we know, the OP may be very secure in herself and her choices..... and to assume she is insecure for not being interested in a non monogamous relationship, is pretty much making assumptions about her......

I have seen the same arguments time and time again about people in many forums about how if people do not want in their lives, what we want in ours, they must have issues that they will not face and deal with...... we get shit like that from some gay people about how bisexuals are too scared to face the fact they are gay.... and to me, thats devaluing a lot of bisexuals......

at least she is free to find a partner that shares her desire for a monogamous relationship and did not sacrifice her desires to keep her partner happy and give him, his dream, and he is free to find a partner that will not be a *woman that is the reason that bi males cheat * ( his words, not mine )
If I posted a heap of details about my raging fear of commitment (if had any) and somebody said "You have commitment issues Gear!", that would not devalue me. It might even give me some idea on how to tackle the next relationship, IF I wised up to myself. I'd rather THAT than be told that I DIDN'T have a problem to work on.
The OP posted and you reposted ample details about her insecurity. Monogamy is not the problem. It's the motives for monogamy that can be a problem. And the OP gave plenty of notice that she's scared to death of non-monogamy. NOT that monogamy is just a lifestyle choice for her. It's MUCH more than just that.

If the OP was secure about herself and her choices, what is she doing here posting about a relationship that SHE ended?
I 'assume' that's she not cold and calculating , but in emotional conflict over her decision and present situation. She loves somebody that kicked off her fears (jealousy, abandonment, mistrust etc) . That's not a nice comfortable or secure place to be! I DO actually give a toss for her, despite what it might look like!
IMO she'd do herself and the next bf a favour if she faced her fears instead of bailing out at the very first sign of trouble. That's how we learn from life. Not by avoiding stuff, but experiencing stuff and dealing with it.
It's obvious that giving into fear isn't going to make her life better, also that she'll be more insecure in her next relationship. But no more risky bi's for her, and a nice hetero that she THINKS will be more compliant and as honest as her ex.

Gays who say that bi's are just insecure gays are right sometimes. Not for all bi's, but for the gays that say they are bi. It happens. They eventually deal with it and move on. Kudos for them.
Insecure jealous lovers rarely deal with themselves because they are in more denial than those gays, and they are supported for being so. That closet is MASSIVE!

It would be a terrible thing to have given her ex 'his dream' that included her?
Yes he did say that the OP who's a staunch supporter of sexual exclusivity is the reason why 'some' bi's cheat. That is true of some! It's not the only reason, but does leave the options for cheating,self denial, or quitting. The OP is lucky she had a honest bf as he most probably would have cheated after saying that IMO.
Her next partner may not give warning. That's NOT an attempt to provoke paranoia btw!:eek2:

[Vuillardgr]

"It would be a terrible thing to have given her ex 'his dream' that included her?" It wouldn't have been terrible to give him that, but only if it was right for her. Pretending to be ok with certain aspects of a relationship doesn't move the relationship forward. One happy person doesn't make a happy relationship. Motivations behind monogamy? If one has jealousy, self esteem issues, etc, they should really seek out ways to improve themselves before they enter into any kind of relationship. But the OP tried and explored with play but she had to draw the line at her partner being with someone else. We all know what's best for us, or should know before we start pledging ourselves to another. If they are aren't together anymore, hopefully they can wish each other the best and move on so they both can find the partner(s) they will fill their needs and desires.

[Long Duck Dong]

gearbox....

... regardless of anything any body posts about their monogamous nature, you will find a reason for it such as jealousy, insecurity, abandonment, mistrust etc.... cos to say anything else, would be an accepting of the fact that some people perfer a lifestyle that you don't and that monogamy for some people, is simply monogamy, not issues they have......

[Paddarick69]

"Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men?"

Well, no. It's kinda the definition of being bisexual.

Are there bi men who can remain faithful to the wife they cherish and respect? Yes.

Your boyfriend is probably a decade or so away from that level of maturity. Maybe longer. Maybe never.

You know what you need to do. Do it and be happy. :)

[Gearbox]

"It would be a terrible thing to have given her ex 'his dream' that included her?" It wouldn't have been terrible to give him that, but only if it was right for her. Pretending to be ok with certain aspects of a relationship doesn't move the relationship forward. One happy person doesn't make a happy relationship. Motivations behind monogamy? If one has jealousy, self esteem issues, etc, they should really seek out ways to improve themselves before they enter into any kind of relationship. But the OP tried and explored with play but she had to draw the line at her partner being with someone else. We all know what's best for us, or should know before we start pledging ourselves to another. If they are aren't together anymore, hopefully they can wish each other the best and move on so they both can find the partner(s) they will fill their needs and desires.
Sometimes when we experience things, we find that it wasn't such the bad thing we thought it would be. The OP didn't give that a chance. It's that what I'm talking about, and not serving the needs of her ex for just HIS benefit. It might have moved HER along in a possible positive step rather than a certain negative. We don't know until we try.
I agree we should at least attempt to deal with issues before we enter a relationship, but also that we could use a relationship for that purpose too. No better opportunity to explore than with someone we love and trust as companions in this world.

Nobody could accuse the OP of not putting a great deal of effort into her relationship. She did all she could allow herself to supplement her ex's sexual needs and delved into LGBT groups etc. That's something many wouldn't do.
What she found in learning about bisexuals scared her. She described their activities as something like an underground society of casual sex partners. Which is true for many and worth looking into, but I'd be babbling on for ages.lol
In short: There's a conflict of culture and sexual philosophy. (Yes it's amazing what a casual shag can turf up.:tongue:)

Well anyways (sorry been distracted) lets hope they both move on and find some comfort.

[Gearbox]

gearbox....

... regardless of anything any body posts about their monogamous nature, you will find a reason for it such as jealousy, insecurity, abandonment, mistrust etc.... cos to say anything else, would be an accepting of the fact that some people perfer a lifestyle that you don't and that monogamy for some people, is simply monogamy, not issues they have......
No such thing as 'simply monogamy' or 'monogamous nature'! There are always reasons. If those reasons are jealousy etc then that's what they are, and not simply anything else.
Bi's get plenty of open and frank views here, so I don't see why monogamist should be any different!;)

[Long Duck Dong]

gear, you just proved what I said, to be correct....... you remind me of the people that search for the gay gene.... they simply can not accept that people can be gay naturally....

and now I can going to say something else to you
reread her post that I copied and pasted in post 75
Call it what you want. Call it selfish,a pity,mean,bitter or whatever,but figure it out before marriage and dating a female who is not into threesomes. Some men have called be a prude. I am very open in the bedroom and I have dealt with threesomes with my ex bf from college. It is not for me and some of the bi men that have asked me out or are in out groups seem to be gay,not bi

you told me in post 76
Dear me LDD, I can read English pretty well, and remember what I've read too. No need to go to all that trouble, honest!:rolleyes:

post 89 you wrote, Sometimes when we experience things, we find that it wasn't such the bad thing we thought it would be. The OP didn't give that a chance.

I appear to be unable to see what you read in her posts, but you clearly are not seeing what I have read

[Vuillardgr]

Sometimes when we experience things, we find that it wasn't such the bad thing we thought it would be. The OP didn't give that a chance. It's that what I'm talking about, and not serving the needs of her ex for just HIS benefit. It might have moved HER along in a possible positive step rather than a certain negative. We don't know until we try.
I agree we should at least attempt to deal with issues before we enter a relationship, but also that we could use a relationship for that purpose too. No better opportunity to explore than with someone we love and trust as companions in this world.

Nobody could accuse the OP of not putting a great deal of effort into her relationship. She did all she could allow herself to supplement her ex's sexual needs and delved into LGBT groups etc. That's something many wouldn't do.
What she found in learning about bisexuals scared her. She described their activities as something like an underground society of casual sex partners. Which is true for many and worth looking into, but I'd be babbling on for ages.lol
In short: There's a conflict of culture and sexual philosophy. (Yes it's amazing what a casual shag can turf up.:tongue:)

Well anyways (sorry been distracted) lets hope they both move on and find some comfort.


Listen, I hear what you are saying. I do, but you are still not seeing things from the other point of view. Some people can try to be ok with allowing their partner to be with someone else, some can't. You are still looking at it from a skewed perspective. People know what their limits are. If she would have gone through with it and said yes, it would have eaten her alive , hurt her in the most awful way, and she probably would have resented him. She knew that because she knows herself. Why would she say yes to that? Why would she put herself in a position that would cause hurtful feelings for the both of them? She has tried new things. The new things she has wanted and needed to try.

I always try to see things from another person's perspective. I see the points you've made, but your biased views of monogamy are leading you to judge others. I find that extremely ironic and suffocating.

Oh, btw, there is such a thing as simple monogomy that has nothing to do with jealousy and self esteem issues. Just as there is such a thing as polyamory that has nothing to do with being whores and selfish cheats. Please stop generalizing everyone. If you believe in polyamory, i would think you more than anyone would deal with people as individuals who know what is best for them. The conspiracy theories are insulting. It just seems as if those excuses are used to make people would are monogamous feel bad for who they are and what they need. I would never put down someone who is mono, poly, etc etc. I wouldn't use biased psycho babble to make people doubt themselves. It's not right.

Atleast we agree that they both can move on and find some comfort.

[Gearbox]

gear, you just proved what I said, to be correct....... you remind me of the people that search for the gay gene.... they simply can not accept that people can be gay naturally....
What? I didn't prove to you that I remind of of a Nazi storm trooper or a dancing bear?:rolleyes: WTF?


and now I can going to say something else to you
reread her post that I copied and pasted in post 75
Call it what you want. Call it selfish,a pity,mean,bitter or whatever,but figure it out before marriage and dating a female who is not into threesomes. Some men have called be a prude. I am very open in the bedroom and I have dealt with threesomes with my ex bf from college. It is not for me and some of the bi men that have asked me out or are in out groups seem to be gay,not bi

you told me in post 76
Dear me LDD, I can read English pretty well, and remember what I've read too. No need to go to all that trouble, honest!:rolleyes:

post 89 you wrote, Sometimes when we experience things, we find that it wasn't such the bad thing we thought it would be. The OP didn't give that a chance.

Now I've reminded you of 'threesomes', even though I didn't mention the word "Threesome"?

I just see myself with kids in 10 years and him having many men on the side.
What? On the side of the bed, with her in it, all in one big mountain of lust having multiple threesomes with her?:rolleyes:

I appear to be unable to see what you read in her posts, but you clearly are not seeing what I have read
Well THAT'S pretty obvious!lol NO, I didn't read where the bf's wanting of cock was restricted to threesomes. Did you?

[Gearbox]

Listen, I hear what you are saying. I do, but you are still not seeing things from the other point of view. Some people can try to be ok with allowing their partner to be with someone else, some can't. You are still looking at it from a skewed perspective. People know what their limits are. If she would have gone through with it and said yes, it would have eaten her alive , hurt her in the most awful way, and she probably would have resented him. She knew that because she knows herself. Why would she say yes to that? Why would she put herself in a position that would cause hurtful feelings for the both of them? She has tried new things. The new things she has wanted and needed to try.
In an effort to work through those negative emotions. That is why I think she should have given it just a few days (or whatever) of her time.
How do you know it would end so tragically? And what would she have to lose? She dumped him and got heartache. She could still dump him after letting him go with a bloke.
People DO change after leaving college, and IMO there's no better way to 'see where your at' than with somebody you love and who loves you too. Our limits can change, and we can help that along if we really wanted to.
NO I am not saying that in her ex's interest. It's her I am thinking of btw.

I always try to see things from another person's perspective. I see the points you've made, but your biased views of monogamy are leading you to judge others. I find that extremely ironic and suffocating.
Once again I have to repeat that I am not against monogamy! It's when monogamy is used as a cover for jealousy and possessiveness etc that I am biased against. It's just a form of self deception that blames everything else rather than deal with negative issues. I judge those to be emotionally immature.
It's jealousy that suffocates, not those 'scary bisexuals', or me saying that jealousy is a bad thing and can be worked through. I'd like to think that removing fear liberates. Now isn't that ironic?


Oh, btw, there is such a thing as simple monogomy that has nothing to do with jealousy and self esteem issues. Just as there is such a thing as polyamory that has nothing to do with being whores and selfish cheats. Please stop generalizing everyone. If you believe in polyamory, i would think you more than anyone would deal with people as individuals who know what is best for them. The conspiracy theories are insulting. It just seems as if those excuses are used to make people would are monogamous feel bad for who they are and what they need. I would never put down someone who is mono, poly, etc etc. I wouldn't use biased psycho babble to make people doubt themselves. It's not right.
Yes I know monogamy can be without jealousy etc. I've been monogamous and it had nothing to do with any fears or insecurities etc. I KNOW that because I wouldn't have freaked out if my partners wanted sex with somebody else. In fact I always made it clear that they should not deprive themselves of ANYTHING for me. That there'd be no drama, no pouting and no complaints from me. We'd be monogamous because it was uncomplicated! THAT is 'simple monogamy'.
Now lets take a good look at what the OP did!:rolleyes: You think I might be wrong about the jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness there? That it's just a case of her being monogamous?

I'm not sure what you mean about 'conspiracy theories'. What do you mean, and how are they insulting?
Like I've said, I'm not generalising. I was being pretty specific about the type of monogamist I was referring to.
My 'psycho babble' about the jealous types could not possibly stand up to the 'psycho babble' about bisexuals here on a bisexual site. I KNOW it's a raw nerve discussing jealousy and accountability, and that many who 'suffer' from it will just feel bad about it and not do anything about it. That doesn't mean it should be taboo while ANY excuse to be biased against bisexuals takes free reign. Jealousy is obviously one BIG reason to fear bisexuals, and as such should be brought up.

[Vuillardgr]

As I stated earlier, if someone is intensely jealous and possessiveness , they need not be in a relationship with anyone..poly or monogamous. Anyone like that needs to take a serious time out and deal with those toxic issues before they have any hope of being in a safe, healthy relationship.

Oh and how would I have known it would have ended so tragically? She knew it would hurt her if she were to sit through watching her guy with someone else. Just as sure as she knew that stabbing herself in the hand would hurt like hell. As I've stated before, some people aren't wired that way. I myself am in awe of anyone who can watch the love of their life make love/fuck someone else. I am not sure that I could do that. Maybe , maybe not. But she knew she couldn't. She wanted to do all she could to help give him what he needed but allowing him to do that would have been hellish for her.

I would never want to be with a partner that couldn't get what he needed from me. I would do all I could to allow that, but if it were something that would truly alter my needs in a negative way, I couldn't do it. Maybe that would change one day...maybe not. That's why communication is key. I wouldn't want to be pressured into something and I don't want to prevent happiness. In that particular case, the needs desires and relationship need to be re-evaluated.

You are right jealousy does suffocate. You saying jealousy is a bad thing and should be worked through is correct. Yet, when you equate that as a generalization of all monogamous people, that's what I've taken offense to. I've read your posts and you tend to do that often. I applaud your attempt to voice truths concerning the plight of bisexuals who engage in polyamory, but not at the expense of monogamous people who have dont have self esteem or jealousy issues. In previous posts, you didn't bother to make the distinction between people who are possessive and people who strive to give their partner what they need while voicing their needs and desires for a monogamous relationship.

Please don't misunderstand, if someone comes on here and posts ignorance....I do hope you continue to set them right with truth, not just your truth.

[Long Duck Dong]

gear

you remind me of people that will not accept that something can be a natural aspect of people...... there has to be a reason for it....
I have never see any cause for monogamy, but yes, I agree that there are reasons that some people can be monogamous, that are issues.... its just in the case of the OP, I can not see the reasons you claim..... as everything points towards the fact that she is not insecure, unstable, selfish, bi phobia, and that is no in what she says, its in how she writes......

the threesome thing, is something she mentioned as doing, so she has tried the non monogamous lifestyle and found it did not work for her...but you were making statements in a few of your posts about how she was scared and insecure about non monogamy, when she had tried it already......

as for the kids, she is reacting in the way that many monogamous females do, when confronted with this situation.... the guy is more focused on what he wants for himself and the relationship, and she is wondering where she fits in, and at the start of her OP, she mentioned wanting to see a counselor, her BF rejected the idea...so she was seeing a possible future and trying to allay her own concerns and worries, but he was seeing what he wanted in his future and how she was wrong for not giving it to him..... the stupid fool could have saved the relationship if he has listened to her, heard her concerns and compromised, cos they both could have had what they wanted, with each making a small sacrifice.....

your last remark about the wanting of cock, is hilarious, cos my post was about the fact that she had tried non monogamy and you appeared to be pushing for her to try non monogamy and not be scared of it...... so it had nothing to do with the BF's wanting of cock being restricted to threesomes at all.......

[tenni]

Post 84
"she didn't sign up for this sort of life"
Actually, I am of the belief that anyone who enters a relationship with a bisexual should be prepared to deal and come to a mutual decision about the possibility that one day the bisexual may want to have sex with their own gender. Rules of engagement should be established long before the bisexual finally has to deal with their same sex needs. They may never reach that point but there should be key discussions and an openness to examine monogamy beyond mainstream social norms that monogamy is good and non monogamy is bad.

The OP did sign up for a relationship with a bisexual and she tried to deal with it by going to gay events but not deal with the core issues about monogamy and bisexuality. She may have assumed that monogamy and no sex with men would be the way since he never brought up his needs for two years clearly enough (or she blanked out what he was saying dreaming that she could meet all his needs-aka strap on should do it for him.."I am open minded") What they both failed to do was honestly deal with his bisexual needs for same sex action. That in many bisexual's minds is very different from having sex with a person of the same gender as their partner.

[tenni]

Post 99
"I would never want to be with a partner that couldn't get what he needed from me."

Then as a hetero monosexual woman you are wasting your time on this site with such thoughts. You are expressing a monosexual belief and not a bisexual belief. You may need to open your mind and perspective if you want to understand us. You can not give a man what he needs if his needs includes sex with another man as well as you. If you can not believe that you do not understand nor accept bisexuality(see it favourably). Some may be satiated by the use of a strap on. Some may have a low desire for m2m sex and you may be suited to either of them. However, bisexuality is fluid and you would need to be prepared for him to say that he needs to feel a cock in the future. ( It may be 20 years etc.)..accept it and let him.

[biwilliams]

First off, to say that anyone in a monogamous relationship is there because of insecurities, jealousy and whatnot is a load of shit. Both my husband and I are bi, but we do not go out and actively seek anyone to be with. He does not look for other men, and I do not look for other women actively. We may be interested in it but we're also both happy and satisfied with the relationship we're currently in. We don't see the need to have hundreds of partners just to satisfy a craving or desire. That's what we have each other for. Being Bi and in a monogamous relationship is entirely possible but yes it doesn't always happen. But don't lump all monogamous people into the same category of being that way because of jealousy or insecurity.

[Gearbox]

As I stated earlier, if someone is intensely jealous and possessiveness , they need not be in a relationship with anyone..poly or monogamous. Anyone like that needs to take a serious time out and deal with those toxic issues before they have any hope of being in a safe, healthy relationship.

Oh and how would I have known it would have ended so tragically? She knew it would hurt her if she were to sit through watching her guy with someone else. Just as sure as she knew that stabbing herself in the hand would hurt like hell. As I've stated before, some people aren't wired that way. I myself am in awe of anyone who can watch the love of their life make love/fuck someone else. I am not sure that I could do that. Maybe , maybe not. But she knew she couldn't. She wanted to do all she could to help give him what he needed but allowing him to do that would have been hellish for her.

I would never want to be with a partner that couldn't get what he needed from me. I would do all I could to allow that, but if it were something that would truly alter my needs in a negative way, I couldn't do it. Maybe that would change one day...maybe not. That's why communication is key. I wouldn't want to be pressured into something and I don't want to prevent happiness. In that particular case, the needs desires and relationship need to be re-evaluated.

You are right jealousy does suffocate. You saying jealousy is a bad thing and should be worked through is correct. Yet, when you equate that as a generalization of all monogamous people, that's what I've taken offense to. I've read your posts and you tend to do that often. I applaud your attempt to voice truths concerning the plight of bisexuals who engage in polyamory, but not at the expense of monogamous people who have dont have self esteem or jealousy issues. In previous posts, you didn't bother to make the distinction between people who are possessive and people who strive to give their partner what they need while voicing their needs and desires for a monogamous relationship.

Please don't misunderstand, if someone comes on here and posts ignorance....I do hope you continue to set them right with truth, not just your truth.
You might be right about the jealous staying clear of relationships until they sort themselves out. But at the same time I wonder how that 'sorting out' would work on their own, as jealousy requires a 'threat'. This is why there is so much info here about bi's in relationships that want extramarital sex, not being a threat. In a way it's an attempt to quash jealousy and convince that the threat is imagined/exaggerated.

Poly relationships are not always without jealousy. Those involved just view jealousy differently than the monogamous. In the former it's considered a threat against the relationship, and in the latter it's considered a 'safeguard' for the relationship. The poly try to be open about jealousy and attempt to resolve the jealousy itself. The monog try to resolve what 'provokes' jealousy, but not the jealousy itself.
It's VERY hard to convince somebody that they are to blame for their jealousy, before you get to try dealing with it though. This is why I (maybe too bluntly?) condemn the use of the label 'monogamous' to absolve responsibility for negative issues that effect themselves and others. Much like a religious person may absolve themselves of homophobia because they are 'religious', and God says it's ok. (NOT ALL the religious!lol).

You seem to give yourself unrealistic goals by needing to be ALL that your partner will ever require. And as such you are condemning yourself to inevitable failure. Even with a heterosexual monogamous partner, that would be a huge pressure to deviate from what/who you really are and what you really want to do within the monog relationship to keep it monog. It would get you nowhere but in a tangle like the OP. She is not Superwoman, and didn't even need to be.
You don't write as if you have a bi partner. I'm basing that on your projected view of having a partner that you couldn't completely satisfy. Sorry if I'm wrong, but would be interested if you do and how you come to that.

Sorry for the use of the word 'Monogamists' too. There is no distinctive word to separate a monogamist without jealous & insecurity motives, and monogamists who are without those motives.
I could write "Jealous monogamists", "Monogamist who are jealous", "Those monog who are jealous", "Those who call themselves monog and are jealous".:bigrin:
Might start using "Casual monog" & "Staunch Monog" and hope that both get my drift.lol

If a bi came here spouting what I'd call 'ignorance' I'd treat it the same as any other, and hope mine gets a microscopic 'going over' too.

[Gearbox]

gear

you remind me of people that will not accept that something can be a natural aspect of people...... there has to be a reason for it....

Monogamy is NOT like a sexuality. Phone LGBTQRSUVWXYZ HQ and ask can they put a 'M' on the end. See what they say.lol

I have never see any cause for monogamy, but yes, I agree that there are reasons that some people can be monogamous, that are issues.... its just in the case of the OP, I can not see the reasons you claim..... as everything points towards the fact that she is not insecure, unstable, selfish, bi phobia, and that is no in what she says, its in how she writes......
You take HOW she writes as facts that she's not insecure etc? How about WHAT she writes, WHERE she writes, and WHY she wrote it?

the threesome thing, is something she mentioned as doing, so she has tried the non monogamous lifestyle and found it did not work for her...but you were making statements in a few of your posts about how she was scared and insecure about non monogamy, when she had tried it already......
Your viewing a college boyfriend and a 2year relationship with a bloke she loves and he loves her to the point of marriage being discussed as the same thing. I doubt she'd agree with you there.

as for the kids, she is reacting in the way that many monogamous females do, when confronted with this situation.... the guy is more focused on what he wants for himself and the relationship, and she is wondering where she fits in, and at the start of her OP, she mentioned wanting to see a counselor, her BF rejected the idea...so she was seeing a possible future and trying to allay her own concerns and worries, but he was seeing what he wanted in his future and how she was wrong for not giving it to him..... the stupid fool could have saved the relationship if he has listened to her, heard her concerns and compromised, cos they both could have had what they wanted, with each making a small sacrifice.....
He was told that as long as he was with her, he'd be with nobody else. No prizes for guessing what she though a councillor would do. And after he said that "This is why bi's cheat!", remark, there was no point! I'd love to see a councillor sort THAT out!lol
The ex obviously wasn't more focused on what HE wanted, than she was focused on what SHE wanted. He didn't get it! She got her way for 2 years, where sexual exclusivity is concerned.
She saw herself with kids as HE went around having sex. She was trapped&sad, and he was free&happy. It didn't occur to her that it could be the other way around too, only without the sad bit. Her negative view of her possible future was partly due to hearsay and her lack of control. I'd like to think that they could have compromised, but that doesn't involve monogamy, and that has to be seen as a compromise more than an utter failure to work. She could still have control though, as many do and find it eases a transition.

your last remark about the wanting of cock, is hilarious, cos my post was about the fact that she had tried non monogamy and you appeared to be pushing for her to try non monogamy and not be scared of it...... so it had nothing to do with the BF's wanting of cock being restricted to threesomes at all.......
I'd push and support anybody to confront their fears. Even just for 5 mins, just so they'd know it didn't kill them. They'd hopefully have something tangible to process, which is seldom as bad as they imagine. No I wouldn't push her out of a plane etc.lol We can live with that fear pretty contended. Some fears fek our lives up though, and they are worth confronting.
If she got rid of it, she could be monogamous with somebody else, and not fear the alternative being thrown at her somewhere down the line. I hope she doesn't drag that around with her.

[Gearbox]

First off, to say that anyone in a monogamous relationship is there because of insecurities, jealousy and whatnot is a load of shit. Both my husband and I are bi, but we do not go out and actively seek anyone to be with. He does not look for other men, and I do not look for other women actively. We may be interested in it but we're also both happy and satisfied with the relationship we're currently in. We don't see the need to have hundreds of partners just to satisfy a craving or desire. That's what we have each other for. Being Bi and in a monogamous relationship is entirely possible but yes it doesn't always happen. But don't lump all monogamous people into the same category of being that way because of jealousy or insecurity.
Yes I've cleared that up. Hope you don't mind being called 'Casual Monog'?
Writing "Monogamous people who are monog due to their insecurities." etc sounds like I'm saying it for ALL monogamous.
How about "Monogoflexible".:bigrin: You can see how hard it is. No offence meant.

[Vuillardgr]

So basically what you are saying is all bisexuals need and want the freedom to have sex with men and/ or women because they are bisexual? You can speak for everyone. That's interesting because , I've read on several sites and blogs of the needs of bisexual people. Some bisexuals do need and desire freedom to seek out sex and or relationships with others, some only want certain play with their opposite sex partners and don't want to go outside the relationship, others want it to merge into a poly situation. My point is they may be bisexual but they are still individuals. Do they crave same sex with both genders? Yes. Do all need to act on them as you see fit? No. People choose different paths. Some people whether hetero, bi, or gay choose to balance their sexual needs with their home life. ( Maybe that entails going out and seeking relationships with others , maybe it just consists of play with their partner, etc.)

As for the original OP , she tried! She went as far as she could and she shouldn't be judged for that. What more do you want from her? Some people have no desire to add others to their relationship in any capacity. Both partner's needs should be balanced. Did it probably hurt her to know that she couldn't give him what he desired...yes. But she did try to experiment and help him the best way she knew how. Knowing that you can't be all for your lover hurts. People have feelings. Once they come to terms with it, then they can work out a situation where both can be happy. How so very selfish of you to continue to judge her path.

He shouldn't have tried to spring everything on her at once. Others probably could have handled it, but she couldn't handle dealing with his needs, his thoughts of children, and marriage. Both she have been honest with the other. He should have been patient with her while she was taking steps towards being able to allow him what he needed and she could have been more vocal about her concerns.

Whether we are bi, hetero, mono, poly, etc... our needs can't trump our partner's. We have to be open and honest and if we really love that person we will do all we can to make them happy. Hopefully it will end happily...whether that's being able to live with and enjoy your partner's desires in which you cannot give or loving each other enough to offer well wishes in finding someone that will allow us to be who we are without regret.

[Vuillardgr]

Post 99
"I would never want to be with a partner that couldn't get what he needed from me."

Then as a hetero monosexual woman you are wasting your time on this site with such thoughts. You are expressing a monosexual belief and not a bisexual belief. You may need to open your mind and perspective if you want to understand us. You can not give a man what he needs if his needs includes sex with another man as well as you. If you can not believe that you do not understand nor accept bisexuality(see it favourably). Some may be satiated by the use of a strap on. Some may have a low desire for m2m sex and you may be suited to either of them. However, bisexuality is fluid and you would need to be prepared for him to say that he needs to feel a cock in the future. ( It may be 20 years etc.)..accept it and let him.


Yeah gotta set you right. First, you have no idea who I am or why I am here. You have no idea of my situation. I am here to gain perspective from all. To see everyone's point of view. Thank you so much for letting me know that I can't give a bisexual man the pleasure of being with another man. I didn't know that until you just informed me. How dare you. If anyone here is being closed minded it's you. How is it that other bisexuals on this site understand where others like me are trying to say and you choose to attack?! You obviously haven't read any of my other posts. I've stated that different people desire different things in different ways.

I accept everyone. I encourage those that I know and love to be who they are without shame. it seems to me that you demand acceptance but you refuse to give it. You are the one making generalizations as to why I am here and why the OP took the path that she needed to take. You dismiss her efforts in her attempts at play with him, but I assure you other women wouldn't have even entertained the idea of going as far as she did. ( Which I think is a mistake, because I would enjoy doing that)

Maybe a bisexual man will be with another guy.....maybe not. You just reject the idea of someone needing and seeing things differently than you. So tell me again, how helpful is that? Your attitude would definitely run off women that get on this site who may have a bisexual lover or who may be considering entering a relationship with one. Some get on here to learn and to understand. Not to be judged and attacked for their needs, desires and decisions.

[tenni]

Sorry I referred to post 99 before it even happened. I war referring to post 95

Post 99 Bywilliams
"First off, to say that anyone in a monogamous relationship is there because of insecurities, jealousy and whatnot is a load of shit."..."But don't lump all monogamous people into the same category of being that way because of jealousy or insecurity."

I would agree with you completely. People in monogamous relationships and both parties are happy with the relationship are not insecure nor jealous/possessive if they are in agreement.

In the OP case, one person was a hetero monsexual monogamist and the other was a bisexual non monogamist by mainstream perspectives. The OP was satisfied and seems to have been under a different perspective than the bisexual man as to what the relationship was as far as monogamy was concerned. Clearly, they were not in agreement. Whether the OP was jealous and possessive, I don't think that there is sufficient information. Was she insecure in the relationship? It seems that she was insecure that she was not comfortable with a non monogamous relationship involving the bisexual man with other men.

The entire concept of "selfish" as is being thrown around is questionable. I believe that I read that someone stated that non monogamous people were pressuring monogamist people to permit the non monogamous person to be non exclusive. The poster stated that non monogamous people were saying that the monogamist people were selfish. I do not read any non monogamist on this site stating that though? I read someone referring to it and no one on this thread has called monogamist people selfish for refusing to give permission for their partner to be non monogamist. That is my understanding and I may be wrong.

As a non monogamist, I do not see monogamist people as selfish for not giving permission but question their position to think that they have the right to demand monogamy of others.

I do like the idea of chosing to be monogamist for yourself and that is where it should end. Yes, you may leave the relationship if your partner won't agree to being monogamist. However, the person leaving may really want to explore why they want to control the other person? Are their insecurities and possessive traits in them (not all monogamists though)? They may very well be insecure and jealous/possessive. It is possible that is why they want and demand monogamy of others. That doesn't mean that they are selfish though. It may mean that they have not examined mainstream morality as non monogamy means bad. It may mean that it just isn't them...but why remains.

[tenni]

Post 103
"So basically what you are saying is all bisexuals need and want the freedom to have sex with men and/ or women because they are bisexual?...."
Well, your choice of wording in the first sentence is a bit telling, but yes. I basically agree with your entire first paragraph. To add to your thoughts. Yes, we are individuals but not like monosexuals generally. I suspect that the term bisexual is really a group of several sexualities. We can be slapped with a coat of hetero monosexual facade but inside we are not like them as far as sexuality is concerned. In our lifetime, we may switch from one to the other gender as a stronger need. It often is the gender that we are not in a relationship with. It may be serial monogamy. It may be non monogamous.

"People choose different paths. Some people whether hetero, bi, or gay choose to balance their sexual needs with their home life. .....)"
Yes, people and in particular some bisexuals may chose a path based on a lack of understanding of their sexuality. They may not even know until later in life that they are bisexual. I've read and met so many bisexual men in that position later in their life. Many suppressed their sexuality for their family and shame that they feel because they are not hetero monosexuals. They may think that they may live just like hetero monosexuals. Some can. Many can not and suffer the consequences of the suppression. They try to fit in and believe that they can suppress their sexuality. That may be what has happened to the biman in the OP but he seems more open from the get go? Pieces seem to be missing in her story. I'm speculating just as much of post 103 is your speculation about this couple. We only know what she wrote and not what he thought. Just as I only know what you write. I did read several of your other posts. I saw wisdom at certain points and ignorance(true meaning) in others imo but I may be wrong. Some of your posts show a reflective open person while others seem to be written from a hetero monosexual perspective.(after all that is what you are and present yourself as?) To enter a room and post "judgment statements" about a group that you are not a member of may not be a good approach. Those of us who are bisexual are here to figure ourselves out. After all this site is about us.

[DuckiesDarling]

Post 103
"So basically what you are saying is all bisexuals need and want the freedom to have sex with men and/ or women because they are bisexual?...."
Well, your choice of wording in the first sentence is a bit telling, but yes. I basically agree with your entire first paragraph. To add to your thoughts. Yes, we are individuals but not like monosexuals generally. I suspect that the term bisexual is really a group of several sexualities. We can be slapped with a coat of hetero monosexual facade but inside we are not like them as far as sexuality is concerned. In our lifetime, we may switch from one to the other gender as a stronger need. It often is the gender that we are not in a relationship with. It may be serial monogamy. It may be non monogamous.

"People choose different paths. Some people whether hetero, bi, or gay choose to balance their sexual needs with their home life. .....)"
Yes, people and in particular some bisexuals may chose a path based on a lack of understanding of their sexuality. They may not even know until later in life that they are bisexual. I've read and met so many bisexual men in that position later in their life. Many suppressed their sexuality for their family and shame that they feel because they are not hetero monosexuals. They may think that they may live just like hetero monosexuals. Some can. Many can not. That may be what has happened to the biman in the OP? I'm speculating just as much of post 103 is your speculation about this couple. We only know what she wrote and not what he thought. Just as I only know what you write. I did read several of your other posts. I saw wisdom at certain points and ignorance(true meaning) in others imo but I may be wrong. Some of your posts show a reflective open person while others seem to be written from a hetero monosexual perspective.(after all that is what you are and present yourself as?) To enter a room and post "judgment statements" about a group that you are not a member of may not be a good approach. Those of us who are bisexual are here to figure ourselves out. After all this site is about us.


Gee, Tenni, way to insult all the bisexuals all this site who choose to be mongamous with their partners as not understanding their own sexuality. Will you at least take a fucking look at what you are saying?? You live your life and let others live theirs without your petty judgements and snide comments about not knowing their roles.

[Vuillardgr]

Wow,

So it isn't possible that someone can be fully open and honest about their bisexuality but choose to live their life in a different way ? A way that has nothing to do with suppression or denial? They couldn't possibly know what they want for their own life. How short sided and extremely insulting.

Yes I know this site is for bisexuals. I also know that people who are in relationships with bisexuals or are considering it use this site to understand and support their (potential) partner. So myself or anyone else doesn't need your permission to do so.

Oh and please keep your biased , dime store psych babble away from me. You use that as a club to beat anyone over the head that doesn't see things and live their lives according to you. You attempt to bully. Maybe you have scared some away with your horrific attitude....but that doesn't work on me. I will continue to come on this site to learn from people who understand the importance of patience, love, relationships, and other perspectives. I pay them the respect of knowing themselves and what they need and want in their lives.

[Vuillardgr]

Gee, Tenni, way to insult all the bisexuals all this site who choose to be mongamous with their partners as not understanding their own sexuality. Will you at least take a fucking look at what you are saying?? You live your life and let others live theirs without your petty judgements and snide comments about not knowing their roles.


AMEN!!!!!!!!

[Gearbox]

So basically what you are saying is all bisexuals need and want the freedom to have sex with men and/ or women because they are bisexual? You can speak for everyone.
I'm guessing that your addressing me from the rest of your post, even though this bit is plucked from nowhere as I never mentioned it.
But on that point: I think you'd get a clearer picture of what a bisexual wants in the course of his/her lifetime, and not from any particular period or one relationship. Sexuality is fluid for most, and also the intensity of gender desire with it. So you couldn't really say with any certainty that a bi who's very happy in a present relationship will ALWAYS be happy with the same kind of relationship with no other wants/needs. Some may head towards monogamy, and some away from it etc
No I don't speak for ALL bi's, and you don't speak for ALL monogamists btw.

Do all need to act on them as you see fit? No. People choose different paths. Some people whether hetero, bi, or gay choose to balance their sexual needs with their home life. ( Maybe that entails going out and seeking relationships with others , maybe it just consists of play with their partner, etc.)
Again, I'm wondering where your head is at. The only mention I have made about how I think bi's should be, is that I commend honesty. As with the OP's ex, I think that's a good example of honesty. That isn't always easy.
Whether a bi should act upon his sexual needs can be a matter of mental health, and if married could be at the cost of all that a divorce can muster. So it's not quite as simple as you think for ALL individuals, and it is up to them to decide.

As for the original OP , she tried! She went as far as she could and she shouldn't be judged for that. What more do you want from her? Some people have no desire to add others to their relationship in any capacity. Both partner's needs should be balanced. Did it probably hurt her to know that she couldn't give him what he desired...yes. But she did try to experiment and help him the best way she knew how. Knowing that you can't be all for your lover hurts. People have feelings. Once they come to terms with it, then they can work out a situation where both can be happy. How so very selfish of you to continue to judge her path. In what way was my 'hoping that she doesn't carry fears with her from that relationship' a selfish judgement? That was a peculiar remark.
YES I do know full well that people have feelings. BOTH OP&ex! Like I already said to you, trying to be everything a partner could possibly want in his/her life is NOT realistic, and sets self up for failure. That being said, if that feeling was there, it wasn't dealt with. She left the relationship with those emotions and came here to talk about 'scary and unfair' bisexuals who 'get what they want'.
Yes she tried her best to prevent her ex getting cock. He tried his best at not getting cock. There should be 2 medals IMO, instead of the 1. Would you allow me to wish HIM well too, without getting your claws out?

He shouldn't have tried to spring everything on her at once. Others probably could have handled it, but she couldn't handle dealing with his needs, his thoughts of children, and marriage. Both she have been honest with the other. He should have been patient with her while she was taking steps towards being able to allow him what he needed and she could have been more vocal about her concerns.
Yes I agree. One of those things is enough to deal with at a time. When a need for other sex partners is brought up, a partner can run the gauntlet of negative possibilities for a while as it sinks in.
He probably intended his thoughts of marriage to show that he was committed emotionally to her, even though not sexually, but it's not clear how long he had been talking of marridge. Would be a good idea to sort exclusivuty out first though IMO.

Whether we are bi, hetero, mono, poly, etc... our needs can't trump our partner's. We have to be open and honest and if we really love that person we will do all we can to make them happy. Hopefully it will end happily...whether that's being able to live with and enjoy your partner's desires in which you cannot give or loving each other enough to offer well wishes in finding someone that will allow us to be who we are without regret.
Unconditional love would be nice. One day we might all get there.:bowdown:

[veryniceguy]

ANY relationship requires some kind of compromise in one area or another, yet the majority of women seem to think that "compromise" means that the male has to change his lifestyle to fit the female's idea of what's proper, rather than working together to achieve a solution that's mutually satisfying. . . and this doesn't even remotely apply only to bi sex; rather it applies to every single habit or lifestyle choice that women can deem objectionable, from smoking to watching porn.

Here's a tip, ladies . . if you expect your man to give up something he enjoys just because you don't care for it yourselves, he will either take pride in his own self respect and stand his ground, or he will begin to dislike you for demanding a change in his life just to satisfy your own selfish need. . . it's really that simple. Deal with it.

yes, right on Byron, thank you for pointing this out, I love this!

[tenni]

Post 106 & 109
Gee, Tenni, way to insult all the bisexuals all this site who choose to be mongamous with their partners as not understanding their own sexuality. Will you at least take a fucking look at what you are saying?? You live your life and let others live theirs without your petty judgements and snide comments about not knowing their roles

How have I insulted monogamous sexual bisexuals? I am a bisexual who many times chose monogamy. I do not chose it now. I live as a sexual bonobo bisexual.

Who are you two?

Remember discuss the issues and not the person.

[DuckiesDarling]

Post 106 & 109
Gee, Tenni, way to insult all the bisexuals all this site who choose to be mongamous with their partners as not understanding their own sexuality. Will you at least take a fucking look at what you are saying?? You live your life and let others live theirs without your petty judgements and snide comments about not knowing their roles

How have I insulted monogamous sexual bisexuals? I am a bisexual who many times chose monogamy. I do not chose it now. I live as a sexual bonobo bisexual.

Who are you two?

Remember discuss the issues and not the person.

I am discussing the issue, you are the one you stated that bisexuals who choose monogamy do not understand their own sexuality, that is the insult. You may not agree with people who choose to actually respect their partners but you damned sure do not have to sit there and say they don't understand their own sexuality or imply that they are jealous or brainwashed or any other bit of drivel you spout off at the drop of a hat.

As for who I am, I'm the monogamous heteroflexible partner of a bisexual male that has had full on sex with both males and females for more than 20 years yet people like you try to say he isn't bisexual cause he's not going out and sleeping around on me. Just give it up and stop trying to tell others how to live their lives according to your standards.

This is an old argument, Tenni, and you have pretty much agreed in various posts that only the people in a relationship are the ones who should make decisions about the relationship and you have also agreed that everyone is free to make their own choices. So why do you continue trying to tell people they are wrong for the way they live their lives the way they conduct their relationships? You don't want a relationship, you are clear about that. Fine. So stop telling people who are in relationships how they are not understanding their own sexuality because they are happy being faithful to a partner.

I have no problem with polygamy as long as everyone involved is on the same page, I have no problems with open marriages, as long as the couple is communicating with each other and open about the "rules" they set forth for safe play. I have no problems with anyone just living their lives as long as they remember that while they have the choice to sleep around their partner has the choice to change the locks on the door or otherwise remove them from the relationship. What I do have a problem with are the people who want to get married and still act single.

Is that clear enough for you? So can you stop the petty mudslinging and actually try to see someone else's point of view that is just as valid as your own, no matter that you do not agree with it.

[maleman42]

I agree. Do yourselves both a favour and let him go. He needs a woman who is more open minded and you need to find a man who is satisfied with getting the same old pussy each and every night for the rest of his life. Just kill me now. Yikes!

[The Bisexual Virgin]

I agree. Do yourselves both a favour and let him go. He needs a woman who is more open minded and you need to find a man who is satisfied with getting the same old pussy each and every night for the rest of his life. Just kill me now. Yikes!

Oh my god. That so uncalled for,and fucking rude.She was open minded enough.Why should she put her needs and desires on the back burner for him?

[JP1986UM]

Post 106 & 109
Gee, Tenni, way to insult all the bisexuals all this site who choose to be mongamous with their partners as not understanding their own sexuality. Will you at least take a fucking look at what you are saying?? You live your life and let others live theirs without your petty judgements and snide comments about not knowing their roles

How have I insulted monogamous sexual bisexuals? I am a bisexual who many times chose monogamy. I do not chose it now. I live as a sexual bonobo bisexual.

Who are you two?

Remember discuss the issues and not the person.

A what?

[Vuillardgr]

"Getting the same old pussy each and every night for the rest of his life". Isn't that just charming. Just because your female partner may agree with what you choose to do, I'm sure her hackles would be up over that particular crass and disgusting statement. And I see yet another chooses to miss the point entirely. We all can be as open minded as little or as much as possible. People have certain limits where others have few or none. We all choose to live our lives in our own way. That is the point I'm trying to make...and I'm trying to figure out who would want to share their body with anyone who refers to women or men in such a horrible, disrespectful manner.

[Gearbox]

I am discussing the issue, you are the one you stated that bisexuals who choose monogamy do not understand their own sexuality, that is the insult.


Yes, people and in particular some bisexuals may chose a path based on a lack of understanding of their sexuality.

@DD- Tenni was referring to the MANY bi's who enter monogamous relationships who later find that it doesn't suit them, that they can not honestly be happy within that relationship. Like the bi ex-bf in this thread, and those who thought they could suppress or deny their sexual urges by being in a monog relationship. The site is littered with experiences of that kind.
There was no insult to those who are fully aware of their sexuality and chose monogamy, like the many who have done and do just that.

Your understanding of monogamy being a choice to respect a person is pretty insulting to MANY who chose non-sexual exclusivity though.
Maybe you could explain how that is?

[DuckiesDarling]

@DD- Tenni was referring to the MANY bi's who enter monogamous relationships who later find that it doesn't suit them, that they can not honestly be happy within that relationship. Like the bi ex-bf in this thread, and those who thought they could suppress or deny their sexual urges by being in a monog relationship. The site is littered with experiences of that kind.
There was no insult to those who are fully aware of their sexuality and chose monogamy, like the many who have done and do just that.

Your understanding of monogamy being a choice to respect a person is pretty insulting to MANY who chose non-sexual exclusivity though.
Maybe you could explain how that is?

Gear, I mean an insult to people who don't respect their partners, you and I have had conversations regarding the whole respect the partner aspect and there are plenty who chose to not be monogamous and that is fine, as I stated I have no problem with non monogamy I have a problem with people who insist on telling others they are wrong for being monogamous.

Now, how about you let Tenni explain his remarks and your interpretion is just that, your interpretation, it read otherwise to many people and it appears he didn't mean many of those that did get into relationships, he specifically stated that bisexuals who choose to be monogamous don't understand their own sexuality. So how exactly is it you have people who try to say bisexuals can't be faithful, can't be monogamous, can't be held responsible for the choice of who they sleep with or not or if they go outside the relationship. Honestly, why does it even matter to those that don't want to be monogamous that others do want to be monogamous?

You don't want to be monogamous then don't get into a relationship with someone who does and if down the line something changes, talk to the partner, RESPECT the partner and the partner's choice to either continue a changed relationship or walk away. There are two people in a relationship and it is not all about the bisexual MALE!!!!!

[tenni]

DD
Gear has pointed out to you what I wrote. You seem to chose to show that you do not wish to believe what I write but what you want me to have written so that you may see me as an ugly villian?

"Some bisexuals" is the term that I used when referring to those who struggle with their sexuality after entering a monogamous relationship. Some bisexual men(to be more specific) believe that their bisexuality will go away if they love a woman enough. Some bisexual men find out that it doesn't. There have been countless men post on bisexual sites and told me personally about this struggle. (or as is illustrated in this thread and others the monosexual person complaining about their bisexual partner's needs versus their own needs) Monogamy seems to be a huge problem between bisexuals and monosexuals.(less so with gay men it seems but still a problem)

"Honestly, why does it even matter to those that don't want to be monogamous that others do want to be monogamous?"

It doesn't matter unless you care for other bisexual men who "believe" that they can suppress their need for same sex activity by loving a woman only to find out that was a myth later in their life. Their desire/need may go away for awhile or for ever but they will be gambling if they think for certain that it will go away. Many bisexual men have tried and failed. Some are happy and have not much problem with m2m cravings but even some of them later in life realize that their need grows increasingly.

It doesn't matter unless you are a hetero woman who is in love with a bisexual man and believe that your love will stop him from needing sex with another man as well as you. (you are open minded because you use a strap on and that should end his "needs" for m2m sexual contact.) It is proper to believe that you should expect monogamy from him without exception for the rest of his life because he loves you. You do not have to be prepared for one day, the bisexual man saying that he needs cock now. You do not need to discuss with him about creating rules about him having m2m sex because he will never want it if he loves you. (all misconceptions btw in "some" scenarios)

A similar question may be sent to DD & Vuil. Why does it matter to you about bisexual men?

You are not one of us. You are not in a relationship where your male bisexual partner is suppressing their sexual need are you? One of you has given permission for the long distance partner to have m2m sex.

Is it because you want bisexual men on this site to put the monosexual person as more important than themselves and the truth about being a bisexual man?

[DuckiesDarling]

DD
Gear has pointed out to you what I wrote. You seem to chose to show that you do not wish to believe what I write but what you want me to have written so that you may see me as an ugly villian?

"Some bisexuals" is the term that I used when referring to those who struggle with their sexuality after entering a monogamous relationship. Some bisexual men(to be more specific) believe that their bisexuality will go away if they love a woman enough. Some bisexual men find out that it doesn't. There have been countless men post on bisexual sites and told me personally about this struggle.

"Honestly, why does it even matter to those that don't want to be monogamous that others do want to be monogamous?"

It doesn't matter unless you care for other bisexual men who "believe" that they can suppress their need for same sex activity by loving a woman only to find out that was a myth later in their life. Their desire/need may go away for awhile or for ever but they will be gambling if they think for certain that it will go away. Many bisexual men have tried and failed. Some are happy and have not much problem with m2m cravings but even some of them later in life realize that their need grows increasingly.

It doesn't matter unless you are a hetero woman who is in love with a bisexual man and believe that your love will stop him from needing sex with another man as well as you. It is proper to believe that you should expect monogamy from him without exception for the rest of his life because he loves you. You do not have to be prepared for one day, the bisexual man saying that he needs cock now. You do not even need to discuss with him about creating rules about him having m2m sex because he will never want it if he loves you. You should walk away from a bisexual man who tells you about his sexuality because one day he may ask to have sex with another man. You are right and he is wrong. Binary thinking with no greys is what you should expect from bisexuals...lol

A similar question may be sent to DD & Vuil. Why does it matter to you about bisexual men?

You are not one of us. You are not in a relationship where your bisexual partner is suppressing their sexual need are you? One of you has given permission for the long distance partner to have m2m sex.

Is it because you want bisexual men on this site to put the monosexual person as more important than themselves and the truth about being a bisexual man?

This is not about you (two hetero monosexuals). As a bisexual man, it is about me and my brothers. What is your problem with accepting the truth about bisexual men?



Tenni, I have no problem with truth about bisexual men, I have problems with people who state one truth and live another. I am in a relationship that is monogamous even though I told him and I QUOTE "I can handle you with a man but if you look at another woman i'll cut your nuts off", we chose together to forsake others. That may change in the future but we are the ones that practice what we say, we talk to each other, we communicate, we evaluate, we weigh our options. It matters to me about bisexual men because so many people in my life are gay and bi and those people in my life understand that I truly want equality for all, not equality PLUS. Not anyone having anymore rights at the expense of any other person whether it be in jobs, marriages, relationships what have you.

And sorry but I quibble with your wording on "needing sex with another man", sex is not a need for the human race beyond a desire to procreate and pass on genes, it is a want, a desire, an urge but not a "need". People don't die from not having sex and they don't die from only having sex with one gender.

I may be straight but I'm a hell of a lot more open minded than some on this site. I have no problem standing in front of people and saying I believe in gay marriage but I also believe in gay divorce or responding to my mother making a comment about Elton John adopting a baby and how that kid will think it's right for two guys or dealing with the homophobia I encounter as I participate in various activities on the web.

Straight is not an epithet, Tenni, and neither is "monosexual" and they need to stop being used as such. So I'll post this picture again and say again it's what we all need to embrace.

7126

[The Bisexual Virgin]

DD
Gear has pointed out to you what I wrote. You seem to chose to show that you do not wish to believe what I write but what you want me to have written so that you may see me as an ugly villian?

"Some bisexuals" is the term that I used when referring to those who struggle with their sexuality after entering a monogamous relationship. Some bisexual men(to be more specific) believe that their bisexuality will go away if they love a woman enough. Some bisexual men find out that it doesn't. There have been countless men post on bisexual sites and told me personally about this struggle. (or as is illustrated in this thread and others the monosexual person complaining about their bisexual partner's needs versus their own needs) Monogamy seems to be a huge problem between bisexuals and monosexuals.(less so with gay men it seems but still a problem)

"Honestly, why does it even matter to those that don't want to be monogamous that others do want to be monogamous?"

It doesn't matter unless you care for other bisexual men who "believe" that they can suppress their need for same sex activity by loving a woman only to find out that was a myth later in their life. Their desire/need may go away for awhile or for ever but they will be gambling if they think for certain that it will go away. Many bisexual men have tried and failed. Some are happy and have not much problem with m2m cravings but even some of them later in life realize that their need grows increasingly.

It doesn't matter unless you are a hetero woman who is in love with a bisexual man and believe that your love will stop him from needing sex with another man as well as you. It is proper to believe that you should expect monogamy from him without exception for the rest of his life because he loves you. You do not have to be prepared for one day, the bisexual man saying that he needs cock now. You do not need to discuss with him about creating rules about him having m2m sex because he will never want it if he loves you.

A similar question may be sent to DD & Vuil. Why does it matter to you about bisexual men?

You are not one of us. You are not in a relationship where your male bisexual partner is suppressing their sexual need are you? One of you has given permission for the long distance partner to have m2m sex.

Is it because you want bisexual men on this site to put the monosexual person as more important than themselves and the truth about being a bisexual man?

Did you ask those particular men why they wait to get into a relationship with a woman to explore his gay needs? How come they could not just explore their needs without being a relationship with a woman knowing she cannot provide him what he needs? Or better yet,just be in a relationship with a man instead?

[falcondfw]

Did you ask those particular men why they wait to get into a relationship with a woman to explore his gay needs? How come they could not just explore their needs without being a relationship with a woman knowing she cannot provide him what he needs? Or better yet,just be in a relationship with a man instead?

BiVirgin,

Not to take sides on the issue, but maybe they don't know they are bi until after they are already in the relationship?
I did not even suspect I was bi until 12 years into a marriage.

[tenni]

Post 121
"I have problems with people who state one truth and live another."
I also dislike that too but it is only a problem for me if it impacts me personally and sometimes people that I care a lot about. I wish you well in resolving your problem for yourself. It has little to do with this thread. The bisexual man was honest from the get go. Communication was not clear and we do not know how/why.

"And sorry but I quibble with your wording on "needing sex with another man", sex is not a need for the human race beyond a desire to procreate and pass on genes, it is a want, a desire, an urge but not a "need". People don't die from not having sex and they don't die from only having sex with one gender."
DD I refer you to Maslow's Hierachy of Needs. Sex is in the number one category (Physiological) along with breathing, food, water, sleep, homeostasis and excretion as far as survival and self actualization. Since it is on the first level, the need for sex (both genders in bisexual's situation) can over rule all others higher needs if not fulfilled. The first level of needs must be satiated before other needs may be dealt with. Sometimes, a person may sacrifice and suffer a lower need for a higher need. Those are exceptions and they may have serious consequences to life itself. Yes sex comes first, even safety (level 2) and love and belonging (level three) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs Look up self actualization on your own.

Haven't I posted this for you before as well? As far as not having sex with both genders, that is variable. I'm inclined to agree that they may not die but some some do suffer physically and psychologically including depression and alcoholism. Some bisexuals may even kill themselves and so some do die but the reasons may be complicated. I base this on what I have read and the bisexual men that I have discussed this with. Same sex activity for a bisexual is still a basic need as well as opposite sex activity. It varies both from individual to a lifetime. Denying your basic needs is very unhealthy.

"Tenni, and neither is "monosexual" and they need to stop being used as such"
The term monosexual refers to heterosexuals and gay/lesbians. Monosexuals are sexually and/or emotionally attracted to one gender and not both genders. It is not a perjorative. It is a fact. When discussing bisexuality it is the opposite and encompasses both other sexualities.

[Long Duck Dong]

maslow himself, acknowledged that his own research only applied to a small group of people and not the general population.....

from your wikipedia link

Maslow studied what he called exemplary people such as Albert Einstein (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein), Jane Addams (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Addams), Eleanor Roosevelt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt), and Frederick Douglass (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_Douglass) rather than mentally ill (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentally_ill) or neurotic (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotic) people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy."[3] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs#cite_note-2) Maslow studied the healthiest 1% of the college student population

by his own admittance, maslow damaged the credibility of his own hierachy, by revealing that his work was based on selected subjects only, so that the result would be one that was not * flawed * and that in fact, created a flawed study.......

so you have not proven that sex is a need, only that you will use flawed info from a person that admitted that their study was biased and not actually properly done, in order to back your opinions up.....

[Gearbox]

So how exactly is it you have people who try to say bisexuals can't be faithful, can't be monogamous, can't be held responsible for the choice of who they sleep with or not or if they go outside the relationship. Honestly, why does it even matter to those that don't want to be monogamous that others do want to be monogamous?
Tenni said he has had monog relationships, so he's not saying that it can't be done. I'm NOT sticking up for him! If he said that ALL bi's like scat and fisting, I assure you that I wouldn't agree there!lol
I've been monog myself and at this stage of my life believe I can be again. I wouldn't have believed THAT a few years ago though, before I had explored my sexuality. I would have been a 'risk' to any who had monogamy as a vital condition for being with me.

Monogamy is fine if both have those conditions, and both are happy about it.
But like the OP's ex-bf who previously explored his sexuality, entered a monog relationship with her, found out he hadn't finished with that side of him and wanted to 'get cock', THAT could happen to many.
He did as you suggested (which is sound advice) and was dumped. Now they are both heartbroken.
It wasn't all about the bi male! It was all about how vital monog is to a person, and how vital non-monog is to the other.

[tenni]

Maslow studied what he called exemplary people such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy."[3] Maslow studied the healthiest 1% of the college student population
by his own admittance, maslow damaged the credibility of his own hierachy, by revealing that his work was based on selected subjects only, so that the result would be one that was not * flawed * and that in fact, created a flawed study.......

It is difficult to believe that you have had any real understanding of the history of psychology. In 1943, many subjects being studied were disfunctional humans such as the mentally ill. What Maslow studied were people who showed a high degree of self actualization. I'm not sure what the poster on wiki meant by the healthiest 1% though other than self actualized. He may have been creating parameters to study as not all in the 1% would be self actualized? I'm not sure. Those that are self actualized have reached a very high level of development and are able to examine issues from multi sides, whether it is about morality, creativity, prejudice, and acceptance of facts http://www.selfcounseling.com/help/personalsuccess/selfactualization.html

Malsow's studies lead to psychology theories along the developmental line which are rooted in Piaget's studies on child development. Piaget used a very similar method of studying healthy children in order to determine aspects of psychological development from birth to five Later he or his followers have developed theories about natural psychological development in humans including the aged in their last stages of life. I happen to be educated with a strong interest in developmental pyschology as are many others who counsel and are therapists in psychology.

"so you have not proven that sex is a need, only that you will use flawed info from a person that admitted that their study was biased and not actually properly done, in order to back your opinions up....."
RIGHT. How could I be so stupid. (sarcasm)

Meanwhile many bisexual men will acknowledge their need to suck cock etc as well as pussy. "need" differs from "desire". Since you have no "need", I can partially understand to some degree how difficult this is for you to comprehend with your circular logic approach. You know so much more than people with doctorates in psychology who have been studying/developing theories on development etc. for decades. (more sarcasm)

Gear
I may be wrong but we do not know if the bisexual man believed that he was in a monogamous relationship? She certainly thought so.

Bi Virgin Pay attention to Falcon's post. Beyond that some believed that their attraction to other men would go away because they loved the woman "enough". The biman in the OP may have been one but he knew of his bisexuality and so it is a puzzle that he failed to communicate to her well enough. Guilt, shame all may play a role as well as wanting bisexuality to go away. I see none of that in the biman in the OP. He is not ashamed of his sexuality. Did he think that loving her would make it go away? I suspect not. His statement about "people like you that make bisexuals want to cheat" has a lot more to it as far as what has transpired between both of them...imo.

[BorderCpl]

New today and 2nd post - I don't seem to have all the psychological background as the rest of you, nor do I understand what the underlying fight is about...but back to the OP:

I'm a bisexual female and married to a bisexual male. I can be monogamous. I can be polygamous. I do know, however, it is harder for him. Is it an individual thing? I'm not sure that I wouldn't side with the fact that men on a whole have a harder time with monogamy (straight, bi, gay, tg, etc). Many bisexual women are content to not act out on their sexual impulses. Just as many straight women do not surf the net for porn or hook ups. That tends to be a male thing and pornography, Craig's List, fetish sites, etc seem to back that assertion up. But..there is more and more evidence that in marriages, women are catching up in the cheating dept! I agree wholeheartedly with the person who simply said, the TWO of you (not just one) have to agree to:
1. Be monogamous
2. Allow him to have homosexual sex (with 1 or more partners) on the side
3. Allow him to bring another man into your bed.

If you can't decide on the parameters together? You have to walk away. This is no different than in a straight or gay relationship and isn't relegated simply to sex, either. A relationship is a partnership and you have to set out and abide by the rules in order to make it work. I think a lot of bi men cheat simply because they believed they could contain that part of themselves and had enough love for their woman that it would overcome their yearnings for men. Now? They cheat because they love their wives TOO much to tell them, concerned about the damage to their wives, marriages and themselves if found out. Unfortunately, that can lead to riskier behaviors. OP - you KNOW you want monogamy in a relationship and you have tried to compensate with toys for your lack of "maleness". If between porn and toys, he can't sublimate? Then it's time to move on.

[Long Duck Dong]

tenni

http://www.selfcounseling.com/help/p...alization.html (http://www.selfcounseling.com/help/personalsuccess/selfactualization.html) your link ????
that is about as good as when you were busy arguing that I was a asexual and then not a asexual in the same thread cos you used a asexuality dating site as part of your reference material


SelfCounseling.com was started in early 2004 as a free resource for self-help and self counseling needs.


Included are many exclusive and unique articles and resources, such as "I Bet I Can Improve Your Mental Health in One Hour" and "Holiday Depression", both written by a counseling psychologist, Dr. Richard Boyum.


We also include links to outside resources on each of our self help categories. Users and webmasters are free to submit links for consideration into our database.


Feel free to contact us with any questions.


All material on Self Counseling is for educational use only and should not be substituted for direct professional advice.


as for piaget

"The developmental theory of Jean Piaget has been criticized on the grounds that it is conceptually limited, empirically false, or philosophically and epistemologically untenable." (Lourenço & Machado, 1996, p. 143) Piaget responded to criticism by acknowledging that the vast majority of critics did not understand the outcomes he wished to obtain from his research (Lourenço & Machado, 1996).

[tenni]

Post 129
Yes, and your point about this thread topic is ? This web site is a quick check for the lay people. ..even those that deny basic human physiological needs.

That still has little to do with your ignorance (in the true sense of the meaning) of historically accepted psychological theories. Mr I am an "ex" therapist of ? (apparently not basic psychology it seems though) pissing contest over.

Sex is a physiological need and for some bisexuals a need for sex with both genders is a plausible explanation of some bisexual behaviour.

Now back to the thread...Excellent post 128 Bordercple!

[Long Duck Dong]

Post 129
Yes, and your point about this thread topic is ? This web site is a quick check for the lay people. ..even those that deny basic human physiological needs.

That still has little to do with your ignorance (in the true sense of the meaning) of historically accepted psychological theories. Mr I am an "ex" therapist of ? (apparently not basic psychology it seems though) pissing contest over.

Sex is a physiological need and for some bisexuals a need for sex with both genders is a plausible explanation of some bisexual behaviour.


I use the articles of sexual behievour as a reference tool.... you may want to google that and use that as a tool ......
at least that uses empirical evidence, majority supported case studies and profiling, and is regarded as one of the universal sources for MODERN and ACCURATE research into sex, sex research and sexual psychology...... and they are involved in the updating and changing of maslows hierachy to one that is supported by proven studies and research, and not flawed data.....

instead of just posting his hierarchy of needs and misrepresenting his research to fit your own agenda, you should have researched maslow
his hierarchy of needs and understanding of sex as a psychological need actually refers to the need to reproduce and be a parent, and not to sex... as he was talking about peoples psychological need to mate and have children......

a need for sex with both genders may be a plausible explanation of some bisexual behievour, but it only fits in with maslows hierachy if people are ignorant of his research and what he actually said about his own research...

[BorderCpl]

Huh? Does that mean you think she should stay and try in the relationship? Or move on? This is getting confusing. And I'm sure OP is just as confused at this point. Tenni and Long Duck Dong seem to know a lot about psychology/physiology (way beyond what I do certainly!) but what are your thoughts on OP's dilemma? Do you believe that the man she described is constitutionally incapable of monogamy and suppression of homosexual desires? Or do you believe that with enough effort, this can be overcome? I'm sure a lot of women (and maybe even some men!) in this same dilemma would love to hear arguments for BOTH sides of the coin!

[Long Duck Dong]

bordercpl......

my thoughts on the OPs situation, are still the same as they were when I first posted, it is a situation that would take both of them coming to a understanding for themselves and making a informed choice about the relationship.... end it, reach a compromise or simply to agree to disagree and continue the relationship with nothing resolved....

the OP has left the site so there is no chance of her correcting any misunderstandings or assumptions by any posters in the thread..... and that is part of why it is easier for posters to make some statements about the OP and her partner, and what they think and feel about the situation.......

based around what the OP posted about the BF, I am inclined to believe that he knew that he was not suited for monogamy and may have had the opinion that his partner would change to fit his vision of the relationship... and that when faced with the idea that his dreams were not going to come true.. he reacted in much the same way that we see in the site and in this thread, with the opinion that it is the woman that is wrong and should change.....

I do not believe that the relationship would have worked as well as he may have thought as a open relationship....as most of what he wanted, was based around him, not them... and that the OPs open mindedness was not as open minded as he wanted, as the OP stated that she doubted she could give him what HE wanted....

based around the statement by the OP, about him barebacking in a group and the need for them to be tested and retested, that is something that would be hard on most people as the idea that op may have to be tested because of a lifestyle they do not lead but their partner does, is something that adds to the stress and can have a adverse impact on a relationship......
giving permission for a open relationship is one thing.... having to be tested for your own health and wellbeing cos of your partners actions, is another

I believe, based around the ops posts, that she was open minded enuf to think that the relationship could work if her partner was flexible enuf to work with her in a number of key areas, and to reach a compromise between them both...... but based around one of her posts, she came to the understanding that there was not going to be much support for her as a monogamous partner in a open relationship, but ample support for her partner as a bisexual in a open relationship......

so as a short answer to your question..... based around the OPs posts, I doubt that the BF would be capable of a monogamous relationship and I am actually inclined to believe that the BF needs a open relationship with a non monogamous partner, not a monogamous partner, as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure males.

as for the understanding of psychology, it has its roots in my life long search for answers about myself and extensive searching for understanding of myself, not a tool to use to justify the behievour of others.... and in a small part, as a requirement for some of the counseling and therapy courses I have done over the years, also as part of trying to find answers for myself......

[Vuillardgr]

bordercpl......

my thoughts on the OPs situation, are still the same as they were when I first posted, it is a situation that would take both of them coming to a understanding for themselves and making a informed choice about the relationship.... end it, reach a compromise or simply to agree to disagree and continue the relationship with nothing resolved....

the OP has left the site so there is no chance of her correcting any misunderstandings or assumptions by any posters in the thread..... and that is part of why it is easier for posters to make some statements about the OP and her partner, and what they think and feel about the situation.......

based around what the OP posted about the BF, I am inclined to believe that he knew that he was not suited for monogamy and may have had the opinion that his partner would change to fit his vision of the relationship... and that when faced with the idea that his dreams were not going to come true.. he reacted in much the same way that we see in the site and in this thread, with the opinion that it is the woman that is wrong and should change.....

I do not believe that the relationship would have worked as well as he may have thought as a open relationship....as most of what he wanted, was based around him, not them... and that the OPs open mindedness was not as open minded as he wanted, as the OP stated that she doubted she could give him what HE wanted....

based around the statement by the OP, about him barebacking in a group and the need for them to be tested and retested, that is something that would be hard on most people as the idea that op may have to be tested because of a lifestyle they do not lead but their partner does, is something that adds to the stress and can have a adverse impact on a relationship......
giving permission for a open relationship is one thing.... having to be tested for your own health and wellbeing cos of your partners actions, is another

I believe, based around the ops posts, that she was open minded enuf to think that the relationship could work if her partner was flexible enuf to work with her in a number of key areas, and to reach a compromise between them both...... but based around one of her posts, she came to the understanding that there was not going to be much support for her as a monogamous partner in a open relationship, but ample support for her partner as a bisexual in a open relationship......

so as a short answer to your question..... based around the OPs posts, I doubt that the BF would be capable of a monogamous relationship and I am actually inclined to believe that the BF needs a open relationship with a non monogamous partner, not a monogamous partner, as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure males.

as for the understanding of psychology, it has its roots in my life long search for answers about myself and extensive searching for understanding of myself, not a tool to use to justify the behievour of others.... and in a small part, as a requirement for some of the counseling and therapy courses I have done over the years, also as part of trying to find answers for myself......

Exactly! Thank you for explaining it again. I decided to take a break from trying to explain why both partners' needs and desires must be considered.

[Gearbox]

the OP has left the site so there is no chance of her correcting any misunderstandings or assumptions by any posters in the thread..... and that is part of why it is easier for posters to make some statements about the OP and her partner, and what they think and feel about the situation.......
Yes, so all we ALL can do is assume. That's not free license to alter details to suit those assumptions though.

based around what the OP posted about the BF, I am inclined to believe that he knew that he was not suited for monogamy and may have had the opinion that his partner would change to fit his vision of the relationship... and that when faced with the idea that his dreams were not going to come true.. he reacted in much the same way that we see in the site and in this thread, with the opinion that it is the woman that is wrong and should change.....
Their entire 2 year relationship was monogamous whether he was suited to it or not. When he said that he wanted cock, she was adamant that SHE would not allow HIM that right, nor spend 1 minute in a relationship that she was not suited to.Yet the bi male is always wrong.lol

I do not believe that the relationship would have worked as well as he may have thought as a open relationship....as most of what he wanted, was based around him, not them... and that the OPs open mindedness was not as open minded as he wanted, as the OP stated that she doubted she could give him what HE wanted....
Basically, she would NOT have it any other way but hers!

based around the statement by the OP, about him barebacking in a group and the need for them to be tested and retested, that is something that would be hard on most people as the idea that op may have to be tested because of a lifestyle they do not lead but their partner does, is something that adds to the stress and can have a adverse impact on a relationship......
giving permission for a open relationship is one thing.... having to be tested for your own health and wellbeing cos of your partners actions, is another
She claims to always use a condom. He BB'd BEFORE they had sex and was tested. Having such a group AND the OP using condoms would greatly reduce any risk to either and to many THAT would be a great idea. Unless you were disgusted by m-m sex as the OP was.

I believe, based around the ops posts, that she was open minded enuf to think that the relationship could work if her partner was flexible enuf to work with her in a number of key areas, and to reach a compromise between them both...... but based around one of her posts, she came to the understanding that there was not going to be much support for her as a monogamous partner in a open relationship, but ample support for her partner as a bisexual in a open relationship......
She was adamant that it was monog or nothing. NO compromise! Had nothing to do with who supports what.

so as a short answer to your question..... based around the OPs posts, I doubt that the BF would be capable of a monogamous relationship and I am actually inclined to believe that the BF needs a open relationship with a non monogamous partner, not a monogamous partner, as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure males.
He was in a monog relationship for 2 years, so was capable in that period at least. The OP was not capable (as far as she was concerned) of an open relationship with him at all.
Males who want to marry are insecure? Where did you get that from? It might be interesting to read about it.

[tenni]

Post 132
"Does that mean you think she should stay and try in the relationship? Or move on?"
Bordercple
Well, it was rather mute. The Op announced that she had left the bf before even posting on this site less than an hour after the first post. She was not confused. She was firm in her mind. I do think that he should have gone with her to counselling and things may have been said in an emotional way during an argument. In that respect she bolted too soon and shut the door after she left. Questions are in my mind as to what was her purpose in posting to this site? We have over 100 posts debating the merits of ? It should have been over discussion wise after the third post. We are gabby and people have agendas on both sides about bisexuals and monogamy. ;) :(

"Do you believe that the man she described is constitutionally incapable of monogamy and suppression of homosexual desires?"
No bisexual should suppress their same sex needs any more than their opposite gender needs imo. Hetero should suppress their needs either. I believe that the portrayal of the b/f was very skewed and biased as we only heard her perspective. We never heard from him. We did read that he made a statement about "women like her make bisexuals want to cheat". We do not know why he would say this to her? He was open about his bisexuality from the beginning. She knew that he had lived(I think?) with a man. The surprise happened when he wanted a penis, she said no. I personally suspect that he never intended to be monogamous but she thought that he did. He was fine with m/f until his bi switch flipped to wanting dick again. Miscommunication.

"Or do you believe that with enough effort, this can be overcome?"
I believe that this particular woman would not be suitable to be in a relationship with any bisexual man. She was unrealistic or ill informed about the fluidity of bisexuality despite attending gay events(A mistake may have been that he did not take her to bisexual events..not a monosexual event gay or hetero). If she had been better informed maybe with effort it might have worked.
Imo, any partner of a bisexual should be willing to develop rules that both agree on so that if/when a bisexual wishes same sex, there are no surprises. This agreement should be discussed casually every once in a while and (every two years?) be renewed. More frequently if one party is uncomfortable. I believe that we may only be monogamous. We have no right to expect it from others.

[Long Duck Dong]

well gear, you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have such a one sided point of view you must be standing on a lean

you and others have argued that a non monogamous person would suffer in a monogamous relation..... I agreed in post 135, I said that the BF was clearly not suited for a monogamous relationship, but I doubted that he would handle a monogamous partner as part of what he wanted, was a non monogamous partner........

you twisted that around, I was not refering to the relationship he was in and not to who was right or wrong...... cos I was not saying ANYBODY was right or wrong....

I said in post 135 that the OP admitted that she would struggle in the relationship if it was opened up / non monogamous, she was admitting her own inability to handle those types of relationships.... it was a observation about her own understanding of herself and her own thoughts that she would not be able to be as open minded as her BF wanted......

you twisted that around to say Basically, she would NOT have it any other way but hers!

I then addressed the aspect of her personal fears and the stress of being tested and retested and how hard that can be on people that are monogamous but have to be tested and retested because of the actions of other people......

you twisted that around to go on about using condoms and the OP being disgusted by M2M sex and dragged me into it by asking if I was disgusted by the same thing....

I posted about how I viewed her personal thinking based around her posts

you twisted that around to fit your view point that it is monogamy or nothing....

my last statement was to do with how I view the relationship and both people..... and how I had the opinion that the behievour of the BF was similar to the behievour of INSECURE males that have a strong need for relationships and marriages, in order to feel more secure......

you twisted that around to drag the OP into it, when I was refering to the BF only, and my thoughts on the type of relationship that he may be better suited for.....
and NOWHERE did I say that males that want to marry, are insecure.... I was refering to the behievoural pattern of ONE PERSON....

I am mildly surprised that you did not twist things around further, gear.... but you have just proven to anybody that reads the thread, that you will take any statement and twist them around to fit your view point, including adding in things that were not said, as much of your rebuttal is full of things I didn't say and twisting the things I did say.....

the hilarious fucking thing is that I was not defending or supporting ANYBODY, I was giving a neutral view point of the relationship, and the people involved, as if I was writing a summary of relationship breakdown for another counselor.


btw..... I still can not find where she said she left the relationship....... cos she didn't..... she said she left as she did not think it would work

post 136 of this thread The Op announced that she had left the bf before even posting on this site less than an hour after the first post

the two remarks she makes in regards to leaving,

I told him to go fuck himself and left ( post 1, reaction to him saying no to THEM seeing a counselor, and implying that it was a problem with women and why bi males cheat )
I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work ( post 3 )

was she referring to leaving where they were staying, the place they were arguing or the relationship ?
maybe you would like to copy and paste where she stated EXACTLY what she was leaving.... and not your understanding of what she was leaving, please.....

http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?13162-Do-you-think-a-man-should-tell-a-straight-woman-about-his-sexuality
I have been with my current bf ( copied and pasted from post 17 ) posted the day AFTER she supposedly left the relationship according to other posters.....

[Long Duck Dong]

gear, I will show you something about how to read people.... it is purely a example of how counselors work by listening to the way a person expresses themselves and depending on what they are taking about and from what viewpoint..... it is in no way a endorsement or criticism of anybody, including myself.....

those are the 4 viewpoints that people talk about

1) what they say when they are talking about themselves in a situation
2) what they say when they are sharing about themselves
3 what they say when they are defending themselves....
4) what they say about other situations / other people

1,2,3 should be consistent with 4.... if they are not, it can show double standards and a person that can not live by their own rules, it can show personal issues or it can show a persons true opinion..... also it can reveal insecurities and issues, and the way a person sees things IE biased towards a sexuality / gender....

the 4 points I have listed, correspond to the 4 points I note about each person and they are merely a example.... I generally use a minimum of 40-50

using you, gear....

1) you refer to yourself as a bisexual male that enjoys NSA sex with other males....
2) your remarks about going to the pub and meeting other males, possibly hooking up and the fact that you perfer a non monogamous lifestyle
3) your opinion that the rights of the bi male need to be considered and your remarks about the OP
4) your perfered lifestyle in the utopia thread ( I am borrowing that members thread to use here ) matches what you say

all 4 are consistent with a male that is bisexual, non monogamous, secure, stable and perfers a hassle free lifestyle....a person that is ok with relationships and marriages but at this stage, is not really seeking that for himself......and a person that is more bi male orientated in their thinking when it comes to seeing things.....

using tenni

1) tenni refers to himself as a bisexual male that perfers NSA sex with other males
2) tenni refers to a quiet and discreet lifestyle with other males that can be discreet, and his preference for a non monogamous lifestyle..
3) tenni has a more vocal opinion about the rights of the bi male and their needs and a more vocal stance in the site about heterosexuals / monogamy and females
4) his perfered lifestyle in the utopia thread mentions no marriage, no monogamy as he views them as outdated and archaic

1 and 2 are consistent with a male that is bisexual, non monogamous and perfers a hassle free lifestyle, and wants to stay that way.... 3 and 4 however, show that his remarks about how both people have rights of choice in a relationship and marriage, as a statement, are not consistent with his own personal view of peoples relationships and marriages and that his perfered world is one where marriage doesn't exist... the archaic and outdated remark in the utopia thread, reveal personal issues with marriage.....

using myself...

1) I refer to myself as a asexual natured ( lack of sex drive ) bisexual ( actually pansexual ) male that perfers not to have casual sex with males or females...
2) I refer to myself as a person that is conflicted by my own past, my own nature and a constant struggle to just be who I am without being forced to live according to the rules of others...
3) I am vocal about the rights of both people in relationships and marriages, but that there is no one size fits all approach .....
4) my perfered lifestyle in the utopia thread is very confusing as it is not confined to one type of lifestyle, it covers multiple options....

1,2,3 and 4 are all consistent with a person that is unable to settle and is in a constant changing flux, a person that could adapt to most situations but would never fully live in any defined situation.... they are also consistent with a person that is open to the way thats others live and need to live, and is ok with that, but not asking them to change to match me..... it does also show that I am not a marriage / relationship style person, but more of a communal style person that is content to share my world with others but not seeking anything for myself or my own gain.....

that is all consistent with my statements in the site....

1) I do not take sides....
2) people want others to live by the rules they do not play by themselves.
3) people want to change the world to fit what they want... at the expense of others
4) the fight for rights is often more about taking away others rights, than gaining rights for ourselves.....

[Gearbox]

well gear, you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have such a one sided point of view you must be standing on a lean

you and others have argued that a non monogamous person would suffer in a monogamous relation..... I agreed in post 135, I said that the BF was clearly not suited for a monogamous relationship, but I doubted that he would handle a monogamous partner as part of what he wanted, was a non monogamous partner........

you twisted that around, I was not refering to the relationship he was in and not to who was right or wrong...... cos I was not saying ANYBODY was right or wrong....

I said in post 135 that the OP admitted that she would struggle in the relationship if it was opened up / non monogamous, she was admitting her own inability to handle those types of relationships.... it was a observation about her own understanding of herself and her own thoughts that she would not be able to be as open minded as her BF wanted......

you twisted that around to say Basically, she would NOT have it any other way but hers!

I then addressed the aspect of her personal fears and the stress of being tested and retested and how hard that can be on people that are monogamous but have to be tested and retested because of the actions of other people......

you twisted that around to go on about using condoms and the OP being disgusted by M2M sex and dragged me into it by asking if I was disgusted by the same thing....

I posted about how I viewed her personal thinking based around her posts

you twisted that around to fit your view point that it is monogamy or nothing....

my last statement was to do with how I view the relationship and both people..... and how I had the opinion that the behievour of the BF was similar to the behievour of INSECURE males that have a strong need for relationships and marriages, in order to feel more secure......

you twisted that around to drag the OP into it, when I was refering to the BF only, and my thoughts on the type of relationship that he may be better suited for.....
and NOWHERE did I say that males that want to marry, are insecure.... I was refering to the behievoural pattern of ONE PERSON....

I am mildly surprised that you did not twist things around further, gear.... but you have just proven to anybody that reads the thread, that you will take any statement and twist them around to fit your view point, including adding in things that were not said, as much of your rebuttal is full of things I didn't say and twisting the things I did say.....

the hilarious fucking thing is that I was not defending or supporting ANYBODY, I was giving a neutral view point of the relationship, and the people involved, as if I was writing a summary of relationship breakdown for another counselor.


btw..... I still can not find where she said she left the relationship....... cos she didn't..... she said she left as she did not think it would work

post 136 of this thread The Op announced that she had left the bf before even posting on this site less than an hour after the first post

the two remarks she makes in regards to leaving,

I told him to go fuck himself and left ( post 1, reaction to him saying no to THEM seeing a counselor, and implying that it was a problem with women and why bi males cheat )
I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work ( post 3 )

was she referring to leaving where they were staying, the place they were arguing or the relationship ?
maybe you would like to copy and paste where she stated EXACTLY what she was leaving.... and not your understanding of what she was leaving, please.....

http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?13162-Do-you-think-a-man-should-tell-a-straight-woman-about-his-sexuality
I have been with my current bf ( copied and pasted from post 17 ) posted the day AFTER she supposedly left the relationship according to other posters.....



I don't know if it's intentional or not, but your version of a 'neutral' take, has the OP down as a 'victim' of her megalomaniac bf. That's neither neutral, nor fair.
MY re-take has the bf as the 'victim' of the controlling OP. NO that's not neutral nor fair either.

How you put the bf in that light:
1."his partner would change to fit his vision of the relationship.."
2."when faced with the idea that his dreams were not going to come true.."
3."with the opinion that it is the woman that is wrong and should change...."
4."as most of what he wanted, was based around him, not them.."
5."and that the OPs open mindedness was not as open minded as he wanted, as the OP stated that she doubted she could give him what HE wanted..."
6."there was not going to be much support for her as a monogamous partner in a open relationship, but ample support for her partner as a bisexual in a open relationship......"
7."as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure males".
You can see how neutral that wasn't, and why many would disagree? In that vein, the MANY bi's m&f who come here seeking help to 'come out' to their partners, or approach them to open up their relationship would probably think that they are condemned before they start, and their partners are automatic 'victims' of them.
YES I fully agree that they were not suited. Also that I suspect that monogamy is a bonding period for some and not meant forever. That is something worth bearing in mind when with a bisexual in particular, just in case. If that period doesn't get both to a state of trust and security to change certain rules, then the sh!t will hit the fan at 100mph for both.

I didn't ask YOU if you were disgusted by m-m sex. It wasn't a question, but an exclusion from 'ALL'.

as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure male
I don't know how else to read that! 1. It's not because he's bi. 2. Not because he needs an open minded partner. 3. It's because of his need to be in a relationship and be married.:confused:


Well,thank you for reading my horribly written novel. I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work. I thank you for your advice and time. What blanket statements have I made about him? I don't want to be insensitive to bi's.
That was in post 3, within 1 hour of her first post. That's doesn't seem to be meaning 'left the room'.

[tenni]

1/ OP..post 3 "I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work"

post 137 (interpretation post)
"she was she referring to leaving where they were staying, the place they were arguing or the relationship ?"
The words in post 137 are interpretation of OP's sentence. She did not write that she left a physical place. Like a few of her other statements there is ambiguity. She does write a reason as to why she left and that she is "glad" that she left. I'm not trying to belittle the poster but please take the words of the OP without extrapolation by desire.

There are a multitude of misinterpretations with regard to sex as a need with regard to Maslow and developmental psychology theories built on Maslow and Piaget's early works. Although sex as a need is germane to bisexuality and some bisexual's choices/decisions in life, there is not sufficient rational discourse here. Suffice to state that a need for sex (gratification) and reproduction are not necessarily connected. I can not recall every stating that I need to have sex with a man or woman so that I can have children. That is a higher level under family and love. At that level it would become "I want children and family". "I should have sex at the best time so that we may conceive a child." The need for sex is a more physiological need that sexual being have. Asexual being do not have.

off topic of this thread
PS The poster who did a snap judgment of me with regard to my posts and in particular the Utopia thread has misinterpreted me. I do not want a NSA relationship as much as a friends with benefit. Affection shared to all in the community aspect without jealousy and possessiveness. Yes, I believe that in a Utopian world monogamous marriage would be seen as archaic. The poster in post 137 made similar statements as to how he would see his utopian world. Then my Utopian world is for sexual bisexuals. Extrapolating to a snap judgment to proclaiming me as having marriage issues is an extroplation of desire imo.

[Long Duck Dong]

it is neutral.... all I have done is used ONLY what she has shared across 8 posts, her statements her feelings and what she has said about the BF.... and the reason why, is that a lot of the BFs statements are something I want to know more about, but there is not that chance......

her interpretation of his reactions and statements, revealed a lot more to me than I am posting... and I will not post what I think cos they are of a personal nature and to do with her and her BF only.....

I will give you a idea on the stuff I can talk about.... and I will use a sentence from the OPs first post......

Sexually,I use a strap on. That to me is open minded. (1) This afternoon,I told him that we should go to a counselor.(2) He refused and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat. (3) I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards. I know for a fact that I don't want another person in my bed.

that sentence revealed so much to me that it was not funny...... so I will break it down.... and you see how much more is in that sentence than appears to be.....

sexually I use a strap on, that to me is open minded simple sentence, talks about open minded in a bedroom and is generally ok with anal play ( supported by a admittance of playing with his anus, later in her post )

(1) This afternoon, I told him that we should go to a counselor. WHY ? most people go to counselors cos they need help or they are referred to / told to get help....
however she said we, most people will say that if they want to try and work things out, they need another person to talk to that is impartial and private, they want to talk to somebody confidentially, and she is talking to her partner, that would normally indicate a want and desire to work on the relationship.....

what stands out to me, is the mention in other posts about belonging to other groups and the attitude of people in them, the feeling of not really having support for herself but plenty for her partner, and the mention of her BF's brother getting involved..... that is something that speaks of feeling pressured and having nobody to turn to....
and she makes no true mention of friends that she can talk to, that stood out to me immediately..... and I started to get a better idea of why she wanted a counselor...
most people react the same way, they look for people that will side with them or people that will not take the other persons side.... somebody that would hear both sides of the situation and not take sides.....

(2) He refused / and told me that THIS is the problem with women like me and is why bisexual men cheat his reaction is a normal way, most people react in the same way, they go defensive because of their understanding of needing to see a counselor.....( I covered that in the is the last couple of sentences ).....and they see it as being told they need help.... and its a perfectly normal reaction from the BF..... but underlying that, is their lifestyle and his interests.... and that can be a secondary reaction " why the fuck should a stranger know about our relationship and what we do etc etc, we should be able to sort shit out ourselves "

exactly why he reacted that way, we will never know... but I have the feeling that she was not clear about WHY they should go and see a counselor.... its why I suggested they take some time to calm down then talk again and get things clear about why they should see a counselor and what would be discussed......

the interesting thing is that his brother was involved, and that told me that the guy was out to some of his family and talking with them about a lot of what was going on.... His brother called me and told me that I was being insensitive ( copied from first post by OP ), and she mentioned a few times in her posts about seeing a lot of support for bi males and not so much for the female ( that is not surprising, you move in mostly non monogamous groups, you will see that.... go to a monogamous group and she would have got more support than the BF )

(3) I told him to go fuck himself and left. I know,I was a bit heated,but I am not going to bend backwards and forwards
she was emotional, worked up, angry, stressed and offended by his statement to her..... then she posted here, much of her state of mind bled into her posts... which is something that was crystal clear to me..... and the reaction she got from people, was not one I agree with ( including DD's post to her )..... I still believe it is a good relationship and it could work with a lot of communication, talking and understanding, but there would have to be a acceptance by the OP that he is bisexual....and a understanding by the BF that his partner is heterosexual and monogamous...... so things like the group sex with her involved, may not be on the menu.......

one other thing that I picked up on to do with their sex lives was her remark that the BF was not managing to satisfy her sexually, Is there any bi male who can actually stay with one person and not want to have sex with men? We have had sex at least 4 times a week. I get horny alot and I watch alot of porn. I love sex and he tells me that I am crazy hornier than him and he needs to hit the gym harder to keep up. ( copied and pasted from OPs first post ) her issue is that he was already having trouble keeping her happy, but he wanted other people...... that is a dual issue by the way.... her sex drive is higher than his... so how was he going to keep his partner happy, while having sex with other people ??? and based around her remark, she likes sex in the bedroom a lot and to do things that bi males may be more open to, such as the strap on and anal play....

so there was a lot more that I am seeing than what others are, it would appear....... and she may have not been aware of how much she was actually saying with what she did say.....

as for the insecurity part......

as its actually him that is insecure and not cos of his sexuality or the need for a partner that is open minded and accepting..... but his need to be in a relationship and be married, as that aspect is something that is often seen in insecure male

you replied
I don't know how else to read that! 1. It's not because he's bi. 2. Not because he needs an open minded partner. 3. It's because of his need to be in a relationship and be married.:confused:

the way in which he was talking, is the key, his planning out their future, their relationship, their marriage but his inability to resolve issues and compromise with his partner.... his side stepping issues within the relationship and his focus on what his needs were..... they are classic signs of a person that needs a stable base.... then add in the way he would not share things unless she asked him about them.....
all of them can be signs of a insecure male that needs control and the control takes the form of a relationship / marriage where he *makes the rules *......

I would not definitely say he is insecure but there is are a lot of signs that indicate that he is either a dominant male / alpha male type or a male with insecurity..... however I am not prepared to say that he is insecure... there is simply not supporting evidence of insecurity on either side......( I have had other friends read the threads as guests and they are counselor friends ) they disagree with some of what I say but agree with most of it ... their overall reaction was that the relationship would have imploded if it went non monogamous and their thinking is that it would be a inability to * follow the rules *)

as for the leaving part..... she was emotional and angry and stressed when she first posted about leaving.... a day later, she was referring to her current BF.... people say things on the spur of the moment...and change them when they calm down.... she was no different...... and her posts reflect that fact with what she said.... and I appear to be the only one that is taking notice of her talking about her current bf a day later, others are seeing her saying she is leaving and reading that to say that the relationship was over....when she never said that at all and it conflicts with her current bf remark in a later thread......

I do not see the female as a victim of the male at all... I see a situational conflict between two people, with one person feeling pressured to change to fit the ideas of the partner and I see a female that openly admitted that she could not do what was wanted or asked of her...... thats not a victim, thats a person that knows their limits.....

[Long Duck Dong]

1/ OP..post 3 "I am glad that I left because I felt that it was not going to work"

post 137 (interpretation post)
"she was she referring to leaving where they were staying, the place they were arguing or the relationship ?"
The words in post 137 are interpretation of OP's sentence. She did not write that she left a physical place. Like a few of her other statements there is ambiguity. She does write a reason as to why she left and that she is "glad" that she left. I'm not trying to belittle the poster but please take the words of the OP without extrapolation by desire.

There are a multitude of misinterpretations with regard to sex as a need with regard to Maslow and developmental psychology theories built on Maslow and Piaget's early works. Although sex as a need is germane to bisexuality and some bisexual's choices/decisions in life, there is not sufficient rational discourse here. Suffice to state that a need for sex (gratification) and reproduction are not necessarily connected. I can not recall every stating that I need to have sex with a man or woman so that I can have children. That is a higher level under family and love. The need for sex is a more physiogical need that sexual being have. Asexual being do not have.

off topic of this thread
PS The poster who did a snap judgment of me with regard to my posts and in particular the Utopia thread has misinterpreted me. I do not want a NSA relationship as much as a friends with benefit. Affection shared to all in the community aspect without jealousy and possessiveness. Yes, I believe that in a Utopian world monogamous marriage would be seen as archaic. The poster in post 137 made similar statements as to how he would see his utopian world. Then my Utopian world is for sexual bisexuals. Extrapolating to a snap judgment to proclaiming me as having marriage issues is an extroplation of desire imo.


like I said..... she posted a day later about her current bf.... neither you or gear have explained that, you both have ignored it.....

as for maslow, 70 year old psychology is a lil out dated and not supported by the current advances in psychology....the majority of experts do not support maslows narrow findings with flawed data.... in the same way they have issues with kinseys flawed research... hence why they rely on more modern and accurate research that uses modern test parameters, with results that can be replicated time and time again.....
so stick with maslow and piaget if you insist....

btw my lacking a sex drive has nothing to do with with my ability to read and understand modern psychology research..... that was a bit desperate of you to try and use that .....



as for the off topic / snap judgement... its based on 3 years of your posts, your statements and opinions etc etc.....and your posts about how a fuckbuddy is NSA sex.....

as for my utopian world, if you read it properly, there is no relationships, no monogamy / non monogamous / polyamory and its platonic or sexual, with no relationships... its a impossible world cos interaction with anybody on any level, leads to a relationship of some level, be it friends, lovers, fuck buddies etc etc..... however, remove the labels and definitions... you create a world where people can live freely according to their own choices, without restrictions or removal of rights to express themselves in what ever why they choose to, within a safe place ...... so its not similar to your world at all.... cos all are equal to live as they so choose without restriction or removal of rights.... just labels and * social ladders * are removed

its the basis of communal living without a social structure, no divisions or groups...... psychology and human sexuality / interaction basics 101... its standard reading for basic counseling.......

[Gearbox]

it is neutral.... all I have done is used ONLY what she has shared across 8 posts, her statements her feelings and what she has said about the BF.... and the reason why, is that a lot of the BFs statements are something I want to know more about, but there is not that chance......
Nope! That's just being as 'neutral' as SHE was, which was not neutral.

IMO we could have left this thread gather dust after DD's first post, as it was all that was needed.:2cents: But off it went into feminism, relationship types, sexualities, biphobia/infedelaphobia, nature/insecurity, literacy, philosophy, and even into the history of psychology.:rolleyes:
The OP would probably NEVER see a counsellor after reading this thread.lol

But anyways......

Don't you think that she thought she was loosing him to his 'gay side', and that's what half her fuss was about?
She asked him if he was playing down his craving for cock (before he asked for cock). She was scared reading the threads about bi's who have so much sex with men like some underground society etc. She was TOLD by gays that "He's probably getting some!".
To her (maybe), his craving for cock was probably his departure from heterosexuality and her.
This is why I suspected her 'open mindedness' to be just a play to keep monogamy. She called using a strap on 'open minded', as if it was something she did for him, and not because SHE enjoyed it.She could not compete with a cock, and she IS competitive. Hence her boast about him having to get fitter to keep up with her in bed.
I've heard "I'll be so good that you'll never want a woman again!", myself from a bloke. She may have thought she could 'cure' him, and fuck him with a strap on better than any bloke with a real cock.
She said, "It sort of pissed me off because us women are asked to me supportive and open minded,but no matter what,our men are always going to want penis. I don't care what anyone says."
Because she TRIED and FAILED to stop him wanting one!
Well that maybe?

Don't you think his talk of marriage was to enforce his claim that he was both physically AND emotionally attracted to her, and needing cock was irrelevant to that?
That's something VERY basic to most bi males, but not so easy for many monosexuals to understand. Hence him using marriage as a way of proving that he had no intentions to leave her.
Could be?

The OP's 8 posts are all dated on the same day. She does use "my bf" in one, but THAT is most likely a slip rather than her other references being a physical area being 'left'.
But who knows? Maybe they are back together now, have found other partners, gone celibate, joined the Foreign Legion or something. But I wouldn't bet money on them giving a toss what we say on this thread about them.lol

[DuckiesDarling]

Personally, I think the thread needs to fall off the page, there are questions that will never be answered as the OP has apparently left the site and all the speculation in the world on anyone's part will not do anyone any good. :2cents:

[Long Duck Dong]

honestly gear.... I think a lot of her reactions to things, involve aspects of the way she has been treated by other people and what she has seen in other groups and forums......

I am referring to the * attacks * by bi and gay people, the brother and his remark to her, the way she has seen people talking in other forums and groups and the remarks by her roomie about her boyfriend that used to meet up in public stalls etc and having bareback sex....

talk about intimidation, pressure and lack of support....... it can leave a person feeling like they have no rights or choices......it was other people outside of the relationship telling her how to live her life for her BF's sake

it would be like you being constantly hammered by people to accept that you are gay...cos in their eyes, you are gay and there is no other option or me constantly being told that as a person with a lack of sex drive, I have no true understanding of sexuality and sex.... or DD being a hetero, should not have a opinion about being with a bisexual male cos she could not possibly know anything about being bisexual.... its not by people that really know us....but people that only see what they want to see.. their ideal of how others should see things and live

if the outside pressure had not been there, I have the feeling she would have been less defensive and more open about her own feelings and understandings.....and I do see most of her first post as just venting her frustrations.... then she found the same type of reaction in this site.... the focus was on the bi male and his rights.. not so much helping her with working thru things to see what type of compromise was possible..... but with both partners starting from basics and working thru each issue together.......

the * damage * was already done by the time she got here..... not so much by her partner... but by other people telling her how she should be and what she should be dealing to please her BF.....

so in answer to your questions.... well, the only person that could correct you ( if needed ) and give you clearer answers, is the OP, who left the site.......

as for the marriage question...... its very possible, but he handled it the wrong way.... marriage is a compromise and agreement between both people... he came at it from a one sided stance, with things like the text about his ideal future..... lol think about how you would react to your ex partner telling you what your future was going to be like with her and how you both were going to live according to her dream and vision

relationships and marriage, are not proof of love if you are seeking to get married to prove to somebody you love them.....marriage is a union between two people and divorce is proof that the reasoning for marriage, are not always the right ones and also proof that marriage is not proof of commitment or that a person will not leave you..... its like having a child in order to build a relationship or save one.......having a kid is easy, being a parent takes a lot of work and commitment and compromise and learning etc etc......

yes he may have been seeking to marry her as a way of showing that he loved her, but showing he loved her and wanted to be with her by her side, is something a person can do every day of the week, by doing the small things that make a person feel wanted, needed, desired, loved, listened to, respected etc.... and that is a two way street...... marriage is like the cherry on the ice cream sundae.... use marriage as the ice cream and you end up with a mess when it melts down.....

the ops posts show on different days to me, it may be the time zones, however she mentioned talking with her partner that afternoon...and the time frame between first and last post was 10 hours.... 6 pm for the first post, 4 30 am for the last ( time stamps ) her first post was 1am NZ time... her last was 11.30 am NZ time

we will watch history repeated time and time again, as more people come to the site in need of help, and find what the OP did.... the focus is on the bisexual person, not the partners that need help to reach a understanding and compromise if possible.......... so we create the issue that we have the issue with.......
if we want people to be more understanding of bisexuals and bisexuality, we need to stop telling them how to live or that they are not welcome in a site for bisexuals and showing them how we live and how they can be a part of the community with us......

[csrakate]

Gender Female
Location USA, Illinois - Chicago Area
Join Date Jul 10, 2012
Last Activity Jul 10, 2012 12:30 PM


The above was copied from the OP's profile. She sure didn't stick around very long. I agree with DD. Let this thread die! Why waste time and energy arguing about a couple when we only have one side to the story. All I see are conclusions based on the statements of the OP and quite frankly, she is fooling herself if she thinks she has bent over backward to be understanding. Her user name speaks volumes about the level of her acceptance of her bf's sexuality. The name "opentoitiguess" hardly sounds like someone who is accepting. Her mention of using a strapon was less than enthusiastic and had all the excitement of some sort of mundane chore. It hardly sounded like something she did for mutual pleasure. This thread is spiraling out of control and has turned into yet another pissing match. For the sake of harmony, PLEASE give it a rest. Pretty please???

[Paddarick69]

LeBron and Dwayne and Chris are gonna win six more championships!