How Do I Fix Myself?

[RavenEye]

Hi Guys,


So I'm really having a hard time right now and I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. To understand this fully I first must tell you the background story. For the most part I have had a terrible life. I've grown up with a narcotic obsessed and abusive father and a mother who if she hasn't passed out drunk she becomes a monster. Plus a neighbor that molested me for three years. Well my parents broke it off back in middle school so my dad decided he wanted to move back to the east coast where he was from. I never wanted to go, and this is where the true depression started. I miss those days when I was a child. Back when I could bring happiness out even at the darkest of times. Anyways, so from about seventh grade till the end of ninth grade I was just this depressed kid. I always sat outside the lunchroom reading books. I never talked to anyone. I tried committing suicide once and I was a cutter. Finally, towards the end of my ninth grade I decided to start being so lonely and start making friends. It was easy, I did spend almost three years watching other people. I know people. Everyone is predictable. But knowing who people are and understanding them is a curse. But back to the story, after I decided to make friends I made a vow to myself – that as long as I'm around no one would go through what I had to. That pain, the worst feeling in the world. This is when I believe I “split”. (As I am just realizing now) I became two people. The social butterfly that everyone loves and wants to be around. And the secluded loner, who was transformed. Because before I was just a kid in pain but after a while it transformed to emptiness. I could never truly feel any emotion. So by school/work day I was the social butterfly. I can put on any mask/personality and automatically draw people in. But at night, when I was alone I was a hollow mannequin. So from age thirteen till twenty (my current age) this was how I felt. Then HE happened. Let me explain, I decided at an early age (around fifteen I believe) that I would never date. I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life because I'm better off that way. Yes I went twenty years without a single date. Of courser I had casual sex sure, but it was all emotionless. Well anyways I finally decided that I would see if I could date. Of course I promised myself that I would never get attached. And to do so would mean hiding a lot of things. A relationship built on a lie, just like so many others. Anyways, I joined an online dating site, and I met this girl. We hit it off well but I never felt anything as usual and then my job got in the way. A couple months later, when I had more free time I tried it again. I thought it would be interesting to try a guy this time. He is a confused person. Well we tried to hit off and decided to have sex first. Well that didn't happen and he said he just wanted to be friends. I was totally fine with that because he was a really cool guy. Anyways as the months passed we became really close and were basically best friends. He saw/heard things about me that no one else knew. That other people would be scared to hear. But he accepted me for who I was one hundred percent, even if I didn't. We're totally different in every way possible. But somehow we managed to enjoy each other's company. But another reason why I became so close to him was that for the first time in seven years I was actually starting to feel again. That emptiness was being filled with genuine joy. But my insides were at war. Constantly clashing because it was all so new. But also because he was the one person in this entire world (and my entire life) that I was never able to understand. (An example: With most people before we even talk I go through scenarios in my head. What they're going to say and how I will respond. How people will react. I would say I'm right about 95% of the time because people are so predictable.) But I could never tell what he was going to do. Anyways as time passed, one night he finally said “I think I want to take our relationship to the next level.” I actually freaked out. But eventually said yes after he said we would take it slow. (Oh by the way, he has always dated girls – but never went slow with them). Anyways throughout the “relationship” he was always so off and on. Well eventually I decided that I just had to break. Not for me, but for him. I hated seeing him like he was. You could clearly see on his face how much he was at war with himself. And I hated that I was doing such a thing to him. Making him suffer about his identity because of my selfishness! I'm still disgusted by myself. So I had to figure out a way to break it. Luck came when I met this girl who was clearly his type. We went to a party with her and her friend. We got drunk and just as I had predicted he was all over her. But yet seeing him with her (even knowing I did it) hurt so much. But I kept on that mask. The next day I did what I knew would drive him away from me, romantically, forever. I played the ultimatum and freak out card. Honestly, as well as he knows me I can't believe he fell for such a thing. He knows I always keep my composure and never freak out. But yet I was still hurt. It was my doing and I had prepared for such a thing but it didn't matter. My heart was broken for the first time romantically. Anyways I couldn't even stay in the same place anymore. Everywhere I looked it reminded me of him and of the pain. So I decided to move into my parents house on the east coast for the summer. Unfortunately, this was a terrible idea and only added more stress to me. So the first week I laid in bed and in pain. But this pain was different from anything else I had experienced. Almost worse. The worst was the night I was listening to my iPod and My Heart is Broken by Evanescence came on. The first time I ever heard. The lyrics were perfect and I just laid there crying and eventually it got so bad that I literally couldn't breathe. That was new for me. As the days went on I did cut myself. I also had suicidal thoughts. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to feel empty again. However, what I got was something else entirely. Instead of emptiness I became stone. It literally felt like someone had just filled me up with concrete. A couple weeks later and I still feel this way. Like a walking statue. I can't feel anything and I just don't care about anything. I never thought that I would actually miss the pain. Because this new statue personality I have just doesn't “feel” right. But I can't control it. The only time a felt a spark of emotion was when he deleted me off FB and said he can't be my friend anymore (which we promised we would always be). That was when I felt like my statue form just sank to the bottom of the sea. I just didn't have any will to live. And if my mother wasn't in the kitchen at 1AM, I would probably not be here typing. Like I said I know people, I know this is not normal human behavior. Have any of you experienced this? How did you deal with it? (Please don't say counselor) Am I doomed to live as a stone forever? I just want to be empty again. I don't regret falling in love (if that's what it was) because it proved what I had suspected; the rush isn't worth the price you pay.

[Long Duck Dong]

block your ears..... COUNSELLOR /THERAPIST..... not cos you are crazy or anything, but you need a person on the outside to look into your mind and hold up a mirror.....


I see a list of excuses, reasons, justifications you use to define yourself......I do not see you as you are hiding behind no end of excuses for the things you have done... and who is responsible for them.... so you become the social butterfly as you have lost sight of who you are... then you hide behind the loner aspect as you are alone.... you have cut yourself off from who you truly are cos you built up a world around your experiences and used them to justify your actions and existance......

you are a victim of yourself.....

now get off your ass, pick up the phone and look for a counsellor / therapist... not a psych, not a LGBT support group... but a private consellor / therapist.... then go to the appointment and tell them that you are a victim of your own creation.......

http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?2383-unwanted-sexual-experiences-and-suviving&highlight= read it
http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?2426-mental-health-and-bisexuality&highlight= then read this
http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?2988-I-love-being-me&highlight= then roll your eyes ....


the moment you say please do not say counsellor.... you are saying, just do not help me or tell me what direction to take the first step... but tell me why I am the way I am.... and its cos you choose to be that way... cos of you didn't, you would not be playing games with other people.....

[Mickie]

Honey, you need to fix YOU before you start trying to bring all the other things into this. You've had a very difficult time so far. Get yourself in a good place before you start worrying about men/women. Nobody can "fix" you simply by being your boyfriend/girlfriend. You need all the emotional and mental energy you can muster to let the past go or at least figure out how to not let it define you now. For a while now you are going to have to learn how to love you. Duck is right. Call for help. If you can't afford to pay for it call a suicide hotline. They have resources that will help for free. If all else fails, go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal. They have psych units with good meds, doctors on staff and discharge planning nurses who will get you referrals to an agency/doctor you can afford. Good luck. You've taken the first step by telling someone.

[falcondfw]

LDD is right.

WE decide how we will be in this world (for the most part).

WE decide what effect we will allow things to have on us.

Allow me to give an example:

My grandmother was abused as a kid. Alcoholic parents. I know there was physical and emotional abuse. Not sure about sexual. Grandma turned out to be one of the sweetest, kindest people to ever walk the face of this Earth. She took that pain and let it fuel her and said "NEVER AGAIN! I will NOT be a sad sack. I will NOT hurt others to get even. I am a good person.".

My father was also abused. Alcoholic parents. Emotional and Physical. Again, not sure about sexual. He turned into a mean ass drunk. His idea of discipline was a metal belt buckle to my head and spine - and I was under 5. Cheated on my mom numerous times. After 3 vodka martinis he became the meanest bully SOB you ever didn't want to see again. Used to get off on beating up women. Ended up swallowing the business end of a .45 at his own hand and pulling the trigger. He sat there after his abuse and said "Oh. Poor pitiful me. Everyone is against me. Everyone is out to hurt me. I know! I will hurt them first! And then I will be mean so no one wants to try to hurt me!".

See the difference? And yes, that is all true.

Oh, and by the way, I have a friend who used to be a cutter. SERIOUS cutter. Hospitalized numerous times. She is only 27. She has not even felt like cutting in over a year. Do you know what changed her? Love and self-image. She used to think she was Lesbian. Even married this girl who she thought she loved. The girl she married was insanely jealous, controlling, and manipulative. My friend eventually ended the relationship. She found she was happier without her old partner, but still depressed because of a lack of love from her family and missing the relationship. Then she met a man (remember - she thinks she is lesbian). He pursued her. Treated her with dignity, honor, kindness. She was confused, because she felt herself responding to the way he treated her and to the good person he was. Eventually, she decided to give it a try and they started dating. She found herself happier than she had ever been. Her self-esteem grew by leaps and bounds. Before she knew it, not only had she not cut in a month, she had no desire to. A month became 2. Then 3. So far it has been over a year. They are engaged to be married. This girl had so many issues you could not believe. But love and a vastly improving self-image cured a lot of what ailed her. Oh, and her counselor is amazed at the difference her man has made in her life. They could never adjust her meds properly before. Now she is on a greatly reduced amount of meds and they are balanced and truly helping her with all her issues. The counselor says it is because of the greatly improved self-image and gives a lot of the credit to my friend's fiance for improving so much the way my friend feels about herself.

Now, you have a choice. You came here for a reason. You came here to better understand yourself and because you wanted help. You can either go get that help, or you can continue along the path of destruction you have laid for yourself.

"My Heart Is Broken" may be a song that speaks to you. It speaks to many of us (I LOVE Evanescence.). But I think the reason you are here can be said in another Evanescence song - "Bring Me To Life".

Now, I strongly urge you to get into quality counseling with someone who specializes in cutting and Autism Spectrum Disorders. No, I am not saying you are Autistic or Aspergers. But what you describe shows issues along that spectrum. Don't worry. The Autism Spectrum disorders run all the way from Dyslexia (reversing numbers and letters) to Bipolar (Manic-Depressive) and just about everything you can think of in between. How do I know? Because Myself, My friend who used to cut, and my eldest son ALL have multiple issues along the Autism Spectrum Disorders.

As LDD said, a counselor will act like a mirror to get down to the depths of the problem. It may be that counseling alone will help you. It may be that you need to be on some meds (like my friend who used to cut). There IS a solution and EVERYONE has value.

And please, come back from time to time to update us on what is going on in your life and feel free to ask questions if you think we can help.

[elian]

I agree with LDD, if you can afford it (and some work on a sliding scale) try to talk to a therapist, just for a few sessions.

Despite our best efforts at trying to maintain control the universe has a way of making things happen.

No child deserves to have their body used for ransom, adults in a position of authority should know better, if you were molested and suffered trauma from that recognize that you are stronger than that now, you have grown. What your parents chose to do that many years ago - I can't tell you if it was selfish or not but if you blame yourself for it, if you blame them for it - don't - just please don't - because blame never lets wounds heal.

There is a genuine person in there somewhere, it may be hard to imagine it but you really are loved and you really are worthy. Forgiveness is sometimes more for ourselves, people are NOT perfect, the person you forgive may not even realize they've hurt you. Pain sometimes comes out of the body through anger - and if you are angry that may be a valid emotion to have - but channel that anger (or despair, or frustration) into something constructive - for example journal, write - play music - go for a hike - something constructive with that energy. Do NOT lash out at other people - the same people, although you might not believe it - might want to help you if they knew how much pain you are in. Why would they help you? Because some of us know what it is like to be in pain..some of us have been there - you are not alone. I cannot emphasize enough that you ARE loved.

Looking through the eyes of child I saw things about my childhood differently than the way I can see them now that time has passed and I have more experience with the way people work. I did NOT have an easy childhood, there were times when I felt as a child that I was more of a parent than the adults that were supposedly looking after me. But now I can see with adult eyes that my parents were very young, the did the best they could and they always did love me - even though they struggled with their own addictions and personal issues.

There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor, eventually the armor has to come off and what you see is that just like the rest of us knights too have scars. We were put here to learn, to grow, to seek - and it's not always easy - but we are all very much loved, and although you may feel lonely at times none of us are ever truly alone .. it depends on how much you want other people to see..

For most of my teen years I wanted so badly to fit in, to be loved unconditionally that I lived to please other people, this must be sort of like your "social butterfly" routine. Also sort of reminds me of Marylin Monroe - it must've been a hell of a thing to be the center of attention in a room and yet feel so utterly alone - people fell in love with her persona, not who she really was underneath. That is a tragedy, that we can't trust people well enough to show them who we really are.

I always knew I was different, I was very affectionate, I wanted to be one of the boys, but I didn't like rough competitive things that most boys used to learn to be part of a team. I witnessed abuse, I witnessed drug use, At 7 I was molested by a teen who obviously was molested himself, I was abused by other boys who quite frankly had a terrible home life of their own. Much later I learned that they got BEAT when they got home and picking on me was the only place they felt they had any power. The male role models in my life, save for one grandfather were drunk abusive assholes who beat my mother and told me that I was worthless.

Got to the point that I would've written men off completely if it weren't for the fact that the guy who molested me was also the only "man" in my life who ever held me like he wanted me. What a strange thing to come to terms with. Sometimes the universe has this way of saying, "Look what we can make you do!" Growing up I didn't trust anyone - I built emotional and spiritual walls so high that I wouldn't let ANYONE in. It worked, I survived, but surviving is NOT the same thing as living.

I got tired of the isolation, I wanted to contribute so I joined the Unitarian church, the most "disorganized" organized religion I could find..and learned that no, not all men are drunk abusive assholes and people really do care. I mean, I felt that in other churches too but I also felt that if they knew who I REALLY was, that I liked men - they might not be so nice.

10 years later I found this site, and learned that sexuality is NOT just black and white, but a whole spectrum of desire and attraction..and it made sense - nature is many shades of gray, not black or white. I still was not comfortable with who I was.

Learning to trust people again, that all people are worthy, having a sense of self esteem all take time. It wasn't until much later, when I finally found a man who ALSO was suffering from trust issues, but came to me anyway and showed me that love between two men can be genuine that I started the process of becoming comfortable with my sexuality.

I know only a handful of gay people who have never gone through any sort of personal trauma as a result of loving men. It's very damning when society, the people we admire, the people we know and love say and do things that make it seem like LGBT people are not human. Have to remember that usually they are acting out of fear, ignorance or hatred of what being LGBT really is about.

Throughout my teen years I was motivated pretty much by anger and spite, I thought that maybe if I could JUST be good enough, If I did everything that adults told me to do I could turn around to my parents like a five year old child and say "Look what I can do!" and they would FINALLY give me the unconditional love I always wanted. it took losing my father for me to realize that life is too short to live angry, wishing and hoping for things to happen.

You fell in love with this guy who is bisexual, and you experienced the pain of a break up. You thought that you were causing him the pain but I submit that the pain was his to deal with, not yours..and the pain comes mostly from outside sources - other people TELLING us that we're wrong. Ending a relationship is indeed painful, but I have never regretted LOVING someone, caring for them - it is a part of what makes us human, it is a part of LIVING rather than just surviving.

Feeling true compassion for someone else is one of the most powerful things we can do in this life, but before you know what it feels like to genuinely love someone else in a healthy way you must learn what it means to love yourself first.

You are probably 100 times stronger than you give yourself credit for. You really do have the power to change your life. Give yourself the gift of acceptance. Understand, accept and forgive yourself. OK, so you aren't perfect, but none of us are..and failure isn't wrong, failure is a healthy part of life - as long as you learn. Love yourself, and the next relationship you are in you won't have to hide behind a mask. Self discovery can be painful, you may not like what you see at first but it can also be exciting, and ultimately it may just save your life.

It finally dawned on me that loving men made me happy, and I could choose as an adult to either be happy, or miserable. This book gave me the training wheels to finally help me break a cycle of self loathing related to my sexuality - not by addressing my sexuality directly, or by giving me some miracle cure for happiness - but by changing my perception of how we relate to each other in the world.

http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3rr4CEHjOk

As people, we are powerful, loved, loving and much more capable of doing genuine good than anyone gives us credit for.

[DuckiesDarling]

RavenEye... sorry but I agree with the rest. You need to see someone, as was pointed out they do work on sliding scales and whatnot but you can always call a hotline just to talk and it won't cost you a thing. The first step in getting help is admitting you need help. Good luck.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'm sorry to be a "Copy-Cat) Sweetheart, but all of the posters are right. You need to fix the person you are inside before you can begin fixing other folks. One of these days someone is going to suprize and shoch the hell out of you with the ability to get into your brain and tell you about You. You need it. All of us have felt what you have felt/are feeling at one time or another, but its up to you to want to fix it. Not just suger coat and bandaid it, but help you understand yourself and cope with the real problem at hand.
I'm sorry you lose someonewho could've been the best thing in your life, but to do his justice, you first have to fix whats broken---You. Do go seek help from a good counsilor or Spiritual Advisor, Pagan, Native American or a good ole Psycologist. You gotta fix your past before you can bring yourself up to date in the present. Once you get that fixed, then try again with the friend..:}

Good luck Honey and No More Cutting.please. :}
Hugzz
Cat

[RavenEye]

I've learned a lot about myself lately. I'm actually going to be going to see a therapist soon. I've actually learned that I am the way I am because of a rare disorder. I self diagnosed it but I KNOW I have it. It's been nice though because there is an entire community out there of people with this disorder (Thank you internet!). I've been talking to them and it's the most amazing feeling knowing that you're not alone. And to actually talk to people who go through what you go through, there are no words. So I now know that there was never a way to fix myself.