Advice for a crush

[jockinjockdc]

Hi,

I'm an attractive, athletic gay male, 39, who for the past three years has had a crush on this guy, 31 at my gym. We both seemed to make a lot of eye contact, and I have caught him glancing at me in the showers and locker room on many occassions (he usually kept his shower curtain mostly open). Other times he seemed like he was avoiding me, or nervous to see me.

Anyway, after three years, I finally got up the nerve to approach him. For the past couple months we've advanced from saying hi to real conversation. He seems quiet and shy, and I notice him blushing when I smile or talk to him. Once I approach him he seems eager to talk to me, but he acts like he's nervous, yet he never seems eager to end the conversation.

My question? The other day we were talking and he finally mentioned his wife! So here is a guy I'm crushing on, who I thought was interested in me and he's married. Before I found out, I made him a bet on a baseball game, the winner takes the other out for coffee, and he accepted! So now we're set to go out and meet up, but now I'm confused as to what's going on.

Any bi guys who have any input or suggestions on how to persue this are appreciated. I'm a nice, decent guy, and I really like this guy and I think he likes me. I don't want to blow it! Thanks!!

[KevsBi]

Everything sounded perfect until the 'married' thing came up.
Don't get your hopes up with this one...although it does happen he is not likely to leave his wife for another man. Since he has accepted your offer for coffee, he must have a bi-curious side to him. The most that will come out of this is a discreet sexual relationship. But that would'nt be a bad thing now would it? :cool:

[jockinjockdc]

Thanks for the reply. I have no illusions of him leaving his wife. But I just want to know if I'm totally reading him wrong? I wouldn't mind being a friend with benefits :bigrin:

For the bi guys out there, if you were attracted to a gay guy how would you want him to approach you? What's the best way to encourage more from him without scaring him away?

[rayosytruenos]

Hi!

He seems to be really shy or maybe he feels a bit guilty of having a bit of a candy eye for attractive hunks... :tong: or a bit of both...

Every person is different, so I am not sure what would be the best approach for him.

If I were in his shoes, I would like to have a great conversation on different topics while having a coffee, a guy that makes me laugh, and maybe throwing a hint here and there about his intentions, and if I give signs of being receptive to his advancements, I would like him to make a clear proposal afterwards.

Nevertheless, I think a very soon, direct one would scare me away or at least it wouldn't make me feel too comfortable. The sort of proposals like just having a seat, he says "do you prefer having coffee here or at my place?" would fall into that category... :bigrin:

I hope this can help you.

All the best,

ray :male:

[jockinjockdc]

Thanks Ray!
I do think he's shy, and I try to be discreet, but he does glance back at me everytime I walk by him in the shower. (How many straight guys keep their shower curtains 3/4 open??) And I think he started to get exited one time watching me, but he quickly left.

But he does seem to like my attention and enjoy talking to me (I love to see him blush). Thanks for the advice not to be too overt in my propositions. Like I said, I don't want to scare him away, but I also want him to know I'm open to more if he's interested! Any other feedback is appreciated!!!

[jockinjockdc]

Any other bi guys want to weigh in on how they'd want to be approached by a good looking gay guy that found them attractive?

[JohnnyV]

Jock,

In my experience, in a gay-bi potential hookup, the gay party usually has to do a little more of the courting, especially where a wife is involved. I'm bi and married; usually when gay men hit on me, I take a long time to open up and I'm very cautious.

There are some practical things you want to consider, which might help you strategize. First, he probably wants to make sure you're discreet. This is probably the #1 worry that bi men have about gay men -- we fear that they will spread the word all around town and create havoc for us. So you want to send him clear signals that you aren't going to publicize whatever happens with him.

Second, if he's bi and married, he may have some feelings of guilt, whether he states them or not. Be patient with him. Let the sex happen very gradually. And I think it's a good idea, in these scenarios, for you to ask him if he's okay once in a while (I'm talking about the moment when the sex happens.)

For now, you probably need to drop a few hints about male-male sex to move this interaction into phase #2, so you can start some serious flirting. My guess is.... bring up something in the news or something about some movie star, maybe mention Brokeback Mountain and see his reaction. Gage him carefully, and if he starts being receptive to your hints, then unleash your gay male charm.

I guess the one thing I'd say is, just behave as if this is a friendship which may or may not involve some physical intimacy. If you try to treat it like anything more than that, he may get scared away. He will be better able to rationalize something with you if he tells himself that you're friends who happen to do X or Y or Z once in a while. If the intimacy never happens, at least you picked up a new friend.

Last thing -- be patient with him. He may be flaky about making appointments. His family life will probably distract him or make it hard for him to meet you with the flexibility that you're accustomed to.

Good luck, keep us posted,
Love,
J

[biShawn]

Well said JohnnyV, before I came out I had gay guys approach and while I may have wanted to jump them, I was too nervous that someone would find out. Be patient, be supportive and it may happen. It sounds like he's sending the right signals! Anyone else agree?

[BI BOYTOY]

ya you want to be carefull on this one alright, im a married bimale also but my wife knows about me and approves, that is not to say that your guys wife knows.every relationship is different so you never know. i say go out to coffee with him dont get your hopes up.and just ask him where he is at.in his life wife knows dont know? or is he out not out? or what? just becarfull not to get hurt. and if by chance this guy turns out to be an asshole.just remember we are not all bad. :flag2: :bibounce: :bibounce: and please do give us an update,. lots of luck to you :bigrin: :bigrin:

[BI BOYTOY]

oops forgot i agree with jonny v and shawn :male: :male: :male: :bigrin: :eek:

[jockinjockdc]

Hi Biboytoy,

Thanks for the advice. It seems though that you're saying I should be more upfront, while others seem to think letting the friendship develop without being direct about my interest. So just wondering what's best?

Friends of mine think he MUST know that I'm gay, so it shouldn't be a surprise.

I do know that he's originally from rural Ohio, and that he's Catholic. So I'm thinking he got himself married and has denied being bi (or gay). But he's getting frustrated. There are times I think he looks kind of sad and he puts up a big wall to other people. In fact, I'm the only guy at the gym that he's talked to in three years. But he's all smiles when we talk :tong:

[JohnnyV]

Jock,

I think Boytoy and others are falling more on the side of letting the friendship develop, not being too upfront about your sexual interest. If you're right that he's in a state of denial, you wouldn't want to move too quickly anyway, because he's liable to need a lot more delicacy and help dealing with this major change in his identity, than you would normally be able to offer to someone whom you've approached for a fast-track sexual connection.

You never know what the deal is with him, though, until he tells you, so I think you shouldn't assume too much. Don't assume he knows you're gay. If he knows you're gay, don't assume that his interest in you reflects his own sexuality -- he may simply be intrigued by a gay person and want to talk to you; if so, he may be allowing you to see him naked some times as a way to bring you into his confidence.

When you say that he hasn't talked to anyone but you in 3 years, I am starting to think he may not be bi -- though of course I know so little about the full situation. He may simply want to talk to someone. As a gay male, you're probably much more socially flexible, open-minded, and non-threatening, even if you don't realize it. When put up next to the typical straight male, you may be someone he feels that he can talk to, and that is his way of coming out of his shell in the social environment of the gym.

All these questions in the air point, I think, to first becoming his friend and not trying to sexualize the relationship yet. Play a little hard to get, in fact -- if you end up having sex, why not make it seem to him like it was his idea and not yours?

Good luck, this sounds fun,
J

[jockinjockdc]

Thanks JohnnyV,

I think it's more than just him being shy, and I like your idea of playing a little more hard to get, and if something happens letting him think it was his idea!

I won our bet that we had over our baseball teams this weekend, so when he comes back from vacation he will have to take me out for coffee! We'll see how that goes. I debated coffee or drinks but coffee seemed less threatening. Although a couple of drinks might loosen him up and let me know what's going on in his mind.

[arana]

Why not coffee, see how it goes and then see if he'd like to go out for drinks sometime. That would give you a second date with him.

[onewhocares]

Gosh Arana, you took the words right out of my mouth. Coffe first, a second meeting over drinks would make you less nervous. Works for me. Sometimes I do not believe that men are as forward as women are. Being the shy girl myself, I would not know.

Just remember to be yourself, nothing more nothing less. That is what he will like.

Belle

[Avocado]

It's a hard one and I really don't know what I would do if I was in your situation. I'm against cheating but feel it's up to the person in the relationship to not cheat. Also if nothing happens does that change the fact the partner was willing to cheat? Is it fair on the other person in the relationship to not know they're with a cheater? It's up to you to decide what you should or shouldn't do really.

[jockinjockdc]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. Coffee is a safer bet, so we'll see where it goes from there.

As for a "cheater" I don't want to do anything to hurt his marriage. But if he is married, but for all the wrong reasons, and is dealing with that himself, I'm not responsible for that. If he has nobody to talk to about how/what he feels, and I can help him, I want to do that.

In the long run, isn't it best for the spouse if this guy sorts himself out and they both can move on? (If that is indeed the case.) In my opinion, you've got to make yourself happy. Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship for life at age 31.

[Avocado]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. Coffee is a safer bet, so we'll see where it goes from there.

As for a "cheater" I don't want to do anything to hurt his marriage. But if he is married, but for all the wrong reasons, and is dealing with that himself, I'm not responsible for that. If he has nobody to talk to about how/what he feels, and I can help him, I want to do that.

In the long run, isn't it best for the spouse if this guy sorts himself out and they both can move on? (If that is indeed the case.) In my opinion, you've got to make yourself happy. Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship for life at age 31.

That's pretty much how I feel. I do feel that whatever someone does, they shoudn't cheat behind their partner's back. Still, that's his problem as opposed to yours.

[arana]

Well so far this is all mute because you don't know his true sexuality yet. For all you know he could be a closeted gay who married for all the wrong reasons. He could be bi and his wife supports it but he's still unsure of your sexuality. Or he could just be a very shy straight guy. I hope the coffee date will open up more insight to this and if nothing else, you have made a new friend. :tong: You can never have enough of those.