The Young Pretender
May 11, 2012, 5:06 PM
The preceding months have been a whirlwind of thoughts and considerations. Without going into considerable detail, my mother's illness and death more or less forced me to acknowledge the completeness of my sexuality, not just the culturally sanctioned hetero part. I was under too much stress to maintain the suppression. That was several months ago. While my conceptions of home, life, and family were reconstituted in the wake of her death, my sexuality took a backseat and straight me emerged until Christmas. Since then, it has been a consistent part of my life. At the moment, I am in my last 2 weeks of uni (I leave Scotland 2 weeks from...today). Oh, I am a New Yorker by birth.
St Andrews has been an interesting place, but very small, with only 8,000 (staff & students). The good part? You know everyone. The bad part? You know everyone. I rushed into something and met a fellow, but he wasn't clicking with me. Too effeminate, too left wing, the spark wasn't firing and so on. The other problem was being outed. His housemate was a friend of mine! His bisexual best friend was a gossip-monger (and acquaintance of mine) who spread the word. Those who came to know were friends of mine (including my token gay friend: TGF), but miraculously all were outside of any of my core friend circles. Yes, I know, discretion and hiding brings its own problems, but I firmly believe that we as members of the LGBT community (ha!) have the right come out at our own pace. Being outed by a Danish bisexual who is politically active for LGBT rights is rather...umheimlich - a German word that simultaneously describes "uncanny, unsettling, and incredible" at the same time.
TGF was ecstatic, which is annoying. Unsurprisingly, my watching other men had set off his gaydar years ago. My family inculcated me with the norm that staring at women is rude, so when I catch sight of an attractive woman, I look away awkwardly, even to this day (though I've gotten much better...or worse, with me leering in recent months). That doesn't happen with men. ;) TGF also decided to offer me his tips on m-m sex. No, there were no demonstrations. On many levels, he is utterly repulsive. I was never a fan of anal sex and his litany of anal-trysts going back to age 10 (all consensual, but he would be a great case study as to why early sexual debut is psychologically problematic) made me born-again anti-anal! Shortly after that conversation, I broke it off with the fellow. Simultaneously, my "homosexual" inclinations plummeted to nothing, and I was left questioning again. I hate(d) that stage, as many "questioning" people are seemingly 4 years younger than me. And here I am, back again, although I wonder just how "bi" I am if I am rather sexually limited in the men's department.
I have been pondering many things, chiefly the value of "coming out", its implications for me, the LGBT scene, and how all of this will impact my future. They're of particularly pressing relevance as I've been given a "second chance" to fully live the college experience, as I'll be going to grad school in Australia (35,000+ people), probably as far as humanly possible from old family and friends. Oh, and also, some of the hottest people on the planet (think of a young Australian undergrad lad with a rugged-as-the-outback body with a shock of blonde hair, blue eyes, and the curiosity of a whole herd of curious cats...or a carefree, beach-perfect surfer-girl...also with blonde hair). This is where the coming out question comes in. The chief reason I didn't was how it would alter friendships. Yea, yea, TGF gave me the usual BS spiel of "well, if they leave/trouble you/etc, they were never really your friends." TGF is difficult to be friends with, as he makes moves on all of his male friends at one point or another. In many ways beside this, he is a living stereotype and damages the LGBT rapport with the straight world. I am fairly conservative (in matters of money and international politics, but uninhibited socially, which ironically makes me a 'classical liberal"). Virtually all of my friends, by virtue of chance, my college's population etc are also conservative in some fashion. The lack of LGBT friends speaks volumes, as does the "dinner table" LGBT-phobia. My core friends have come through when it was most important, but I don't see the value in not just rocking the boat, but risking a scuttling due to the perceived implication of being a "fag."
You guys/bisexual.com offer interesting perspectives on this matter. On other forums such as emptyclosets and justusboys (with the latter, I found their forum through a google keyword search. I was unaware until this morning that it was actually a gay porn repository), the gay community there is rather militant about coming out ASAP for everyone. I have found phraseology that calls coming out integral to being a "functioning American gay." There were some ugly terms bandied about for anyone not "out, loud, and proud" on justusboys. I have not found this norm on bisexual.com. Many of you seem to practice my "goal" for Australia - the matter does not come up unless asked or is directly relevant to the other person, because quite frankly, who occupies our beds is nobody's damn business! If you're wondering, I am just as "bad" with women. I prefer my doings to not be gossip, as it turns the experience classless and sordid IMO (unless I want them to be so ;)).
Nonetheless, I am still apprehensive. The circles I will probably end up in as a consequence of my activities and personality will be the more traditionally masculine (the business/investing/entrepreneur club, martial arts/contact sports, gym, international political-themed organisations etc). Actually, not "more traditionally masculine" but VERY. "Masculine" is just who I am, from the classic, loose boxer shorts I love (I swear, the right pair of underwear is the first step in starting the day off right, hehe), to my politics, to my books, etc. Being "queer" does not help in such circles, although if the non-fiction reminiscing I have read is true, it can lead to some very handsome MEN.* I've been made somewhat gunshy by my encounters with the LGBT scene of St Andrews and from what little I have seen back home. "Gay culture" as I've witnessed it in person favours salacious shock value (think HBO adding in non-canonical, gratuitous, and ultimately pointless sex to Game of Thrones), ideological-foot-soldier partisan leftism (hell, I hold leftist values, but it's the flavour of the month causes and "ideological foot soldier" part that bother me), effeminacy, and so on. Dare I say that "gay culture" is a self-reinforcing stereotype? I've met too many affected accents, make-up, skin tight jeans, piercings, "alternatives", mannerisms, taste to believe that such things are hardcoded in gays. Powerful norms and influences seem to make their mark. Maybe it gets better when they find their own way? Why am I obsessing on gays? They're the most likely male partner for a bisexual man. They're also the pillar of the LGBT soc in a typical university (although exec power in mine switched between lesbians and gays). St Andrews' LGBT currently is currently run by lesbians. Dances/club nights were described by a bi girl as "lesbian couples showing their partners off". Also, the club has a strong biphobic strain.
*My ideal male partner is a man who friggin went through puberty, has a masculine voice, wears boxers (I'll make occasional concessions for boxer-briefs), and at least visits the gym. Said partner would be brother, friend, lover...in that order. Yes, I value the platonic more than the sexual in a man. Feminism actually has some interesting thoughts on that last point.
Disclaimer: My generalizations chiefly come from observations of a small university community and apply t that community and analogous situations. They were not meant to be universal.
I am sorry for this absolute mess of a thread, but I am processing a great deal as I reflect on one life-changing stage and prepare for another. I am very interested in your thoughts, though.
St Andrews has been an interesting place, but very small, with only 8,000 (staff & students). The good part? You know everyone. The bad part? You know everyone. I rushed into something and met a fellow, but he wasn't clicking with me. Too effeminate, too left wing, the spark wasn't firing and so on. The other problem was being outed. His housemate was a friend of mine! His bisexual best friend was a gossip-monger (and acquaintance of mine) who spread the word. Those who came to know were friends of mine (including my token gay friend: TGF), but miraculously all were outside of any of my core friend circles. Yes, I know, discretion and hiding brings its own problems, but I firmly believe that we as members of the LGBT community (ha!) have the right come out at our own pace. Being outed by a Danish bisexual who is politically active for LGBT rights is rather...umheimlich - a German word that simultaneously describes "uncanny, unsettling, and incredible" at the same time.
TGF was ecstatic, which is annoying. Unsurprisingly, my watching other men had set off his gaydar years ago. My family inculcated me with the norm that staring at women is rude, so when I catch sight of an attractive woman, I look away awkwardly, even to this day (though I've gotten much better...or worse, with me leering in recent months). That doesn't happen with men. ;) TGF also decided to offer me his tips on m-m sex. No, there were no demonstrations. On many levels, he is utterly repulsive. I was never a fan of anal sex and his litany of anal-trysts going back to age 10 (all consensual, but he would be a great case study as to why early sexual debut is psychologically problematic) made me born-again anti-anal! Shortly after that conversation, I broke it off with the fellow. Simultaneously, my "homosexual" inclinations plummeted to nothing, and I was left questioning again. I hate(d) that stage, as many "questioning" people are seemingly 4 years younger than me. And here I am, back again, although I wonder just how "bi" I am if I am rather sexually limited in the men's department.
I have been pondering many things, chiefly the value of "coming out", its implications for me, the LGBT scene, and how all of this will impact my future. They're of particularly pressing relevance as I've been given a "second chance" to fully live the college experience, as I'll be going to grad school in Australia (35,000+ people), probably as far as humanly possible from old family and friends. Oh, and also, some of the hottest people on the planet (think of a young Australian undergrad lad with a rugged-as-the-outback body with a shock of blonde hair, blue eyes, and the curiosity of a whole herd of curious cats...or a carefree, beach-perfect surfer-girl...also with blonde hair). This is where the coming out question comes in. The chief reason I didn't was how it would alter friendships. Yea, yea, TGF gave me the usual BS spiel of "well, if they leave/trouble you/etc, they were never really your friends." TGF is difficult to be friends with, as he makes moves on all of his male friends at one point or another. In many ways beside this, he is a living stereotype and damages the LGBT rapport with the straight world. I am fairly conservative (in matters of money and international politics, but uninhibited socially, which ironically makes me a 'classical liberal"). Virtually all of my friends, by virtue of chance, my college's population etc are also conservative in some fashion. The lack of LGBT friends speaks volumes, as does the "dinner table" LGBT-phobia. My core friends have come through when it was most important, but I don't see the value in not just rocking the boat, but risking a scuttling due to the perceived implication of being a "fag."
You guys/bisexual.com offer interesting perspectives on this matter. On other forums such as emptyclosets and justusboys (with the latter, I found their forum through a google keyword search. I was unaware until this morning that it was actually a gay porn repository), the gay community there is rather militant about coming out ASAP for everyone. I have found phraseology that calls coming out integral to being a "functioning American gay." There were some ugly terms bandied about for anyone not "out, loud, and proud" on justusboys. I have not found this norm on bisexual.com. Many of you seem to practice my "goal" for Australia - the matter does not come up unless asked or is directly relevant to the other person, because quite frankly, who occupies our beds is nobody's damn business! If you're wondering, I am just as "bad" with women. I prefer my doings to not be gossip, as it turns the experience classless and sordid IMO (unless I want them to be so ;)).
Nonetheless, I am still apprehensive. The circles I will probably end up in as a consequence of my activities and personality will be the more traditionally masculine (the business/investing/entrepreneur club, martial arts/contact sports, gym, international political-themed organisations etc). Actually, not "more traditionally masculine" but VERY. "Masculine" is just who I am, from the classic, loose boxer shorts I love (I swear, the right pair of underwear is the first step in starting the day off right, hehe), to my politics, to my books, etc. Being "queer" does not help in such circles, although if the non-fiction reminiscing I have read is true, it can lead to some very handsome MEN.* I've been made somewhat gunshy by my encounters with the LGBT scene of St Andrews and from what little I have seen back home. "Gay culture" as I've witnessed it in person favours salacious shock value (think HBO adding in non-canonical, gratuitous, and ultimately pointless sex to Game of Thrones), ideological-foot-soldier partisan leftism (hell, I hold leftist values, but it's the flavour of the month causes and "ideological foot soldier" part that bother me), effeminacy, and so on. Dare I say that "gay culture" is a self-reinforcing stereotype? I've met too many affected accents, make-up, skin tight jeans, piercings, "alternatives", mannerisms, taste to believe that such things are hardcoded in gays. Powerful norms and influences seem to make their mark. Maybe it gets better when they find their own way? Why am I obsessing on gays? They're the most likely male partner for a bisexual man. They're also the pillar of the LGBT soc in a typical university (although exec power in mine switched between lesbians and gays). St Andrews' LGBT currently is currently run by lesbians. Dances/club nights were described by a bi girl as "lesbian couples showing their partners off". Also, the club has a strong biphobic strain.
*My ideal male partner is a man who friggin went through puberty, has a masculine voice, wears boxers (I'll make occasional concessions for boxer-briefs), and at least visits the gym. Said partner would be brother, friend, lover...in that order. Yes, I value the platonic more than the sexual in a man. Feminism actually has some interesting thoughts on that last point.
Disclaimer: My generalizations chiefly come from observations of a small university community and apply t that community and analogous situations. They were not meant to be universal.
I am sorry for this absolute mess of a thread, but I am processing a great deal as I reflect on one life-changing stage and prepare for another. I am very interested in your thoughts, though.