Advise on NSA (or not) meeting

[mike_b_big]

So here is the deal, a guy replied to an ad I posted looking for a discreet partner. Thats all well and good,problem is that there's a 75% chance we know each other in our "normal" life. We have emailed back and forth and are planning on getting together, I'm just not sure on how it will turn out should we in fact know each other. I should add that neither person is "out" and both are married. Is this a situation I should step away from? I can see it working out to be a really good deal or a really bad one. Can't help but wonder what will happen if the guy freaks? We've discussed the possibilty of knowing each other,but neither has offered any info as to who we are,kinda feeling things out I guess. Should we make it point to know who the other person is before meeting to avoid any weird shit going down?Just not sure what the best coarse is here....

[tenni]

Hi Mike
I'm not sure if you have read this site much before you posted this question. Just a forewarning that there will be a number of moralists who will be condemning you as a cheater.

Now, to deal with your question. Does he seem like a fairly decent guy or get a creepy feeling? If it is creepy then you are not going to meet him?

From what you have written, you may only have a 50/50 chance that the guy will show.

Ask yourself if you will freak if you know him? Ask him if he will freak if you know each other? You both are in the same boat and if you do meet you both would not want to expose yourself.

Talk to him a bit more and be blunt about the your fear. I'm sure that you know to meet him in a public place. Good luck with whatever decision that you make.

[BiDaveDtown]

What's the big deal if you do happen to know each other? Are you in an open relationship with your wife/spouse? If not I would not cheat on her/him or lie to them and have an affair with anyone.

[Long Duck Dong]

So here is the deal, a guy replied to an ad I posted looking for a discreet partner. Thats all well and good,problem is that there's a 75% chance we know each other in our "normal" life. We have emailed back and forth and are planning on getting together, I'm just not sure on how it will turn out should we in fact know each other. I should add that neither person is "out" and both are married. Is this a situation I should step away from? I can see it working out to be a really good deal or a really bad one. Can't help but wonder what will happen if the guy freaks? We've discussed the possibilty of knowing each other,but neither has offered any info as to who we are,kinda feeling things out I guess. Should we make it point to know who the other person is before meeting to avoid any weird shit going down?Just not sure what the best coarse is here....

if you want to deal with the issue of knowing the other person, then you are going to have to accept that it may be awkward.... and that situation can arise regardless if a person is closeted, discreet, open and out etc.....

you both have a choice, you can either continue with the hook up, or you both can just walk away.... the choice is that simple.... cos the moment you decide to know who the person is, then regardless if you hook up or not... the weird shit can start or not start.....

the fact that both people are discreet, means that its less likely that either of you will end up in a situation where your hook up will be revealed, but that means nothing.... the nature of what you are doing, can lead to issues in * real * life, specially if its somebody that you may encounter on a regular / semi regular basis and if both of you can not keep the sexual aspect hidden when you meet in * real * life, people will notice something is up, as your body language will change and people that know you, will pick up on it.....

if the shit hits the fan and you and / or the other person, end up outted.... well... good luck to both of you....

[FunE1]

Well, I had a similar experience... Got invited to a local all male party that meets each week. Worried I might run into someone I knew. And, of course, I did. He was pretty surprised (he knew me mostly when I was married, so thought of me as straight) but was very cool about it. I'm bi, he's gay, but neither of us are fully "out" and neither of us have any interest in sharing info about the other, so it's all good. I suspect, given that you're both married, it would be the same for you two. Even if you met and found it uncomfortable to the point that you didn't actually want to play with each other, you're (I hope) not going to be interested in saying anything to anyone about the other person. So, I say go for it.

[Jobelorocks]

I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with having moral standards and not just thinking about what you want, but also being concerned with what the person you willingly devoted your life to wants.Well I hope that you are open and honest with your spouse about this and so should he for that matter. If you enter into a monogamous relationship, then you are bound to that unless you and your spouse make other agreements otherwise or you leave. It is just plain wrong to take away the informed consent away from any of your sexual partners. It is way better for your spouse to find out about your sexuality from your mouth than finding out that you are cheating on her with another male.

Anyways with that said, I know that before my husband and I even consider meeting up with someone for any sexual encounters we have to see face and body pictures first to ensure mutual attraction. Another question you should ask yourself is, will I even be attracted to this person sexually? If we do meet up and I am not attracted to him, will I be honest with him and walk away or will I feel obligated to do something sexual with him? That is a big reason why my husband and I see pictures first to avoid those awkward, ya, I don't find you attractive what-so-ever moments.

Also it is always a good idea to meet up in a public setting first. There you can assess if you two click enough to move forward. We have had a few times where we meet up with people and it turns out there is no spark and we don't click at all.

[slipnslide]

I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with having moral standards and not just thinking about what you want, but also being concerned with what the person you willingly devoted your life to wants.

You're hardly alone. I believe the majority of humans would say the same thing, and the behavioural psychologists would show why this would be a favourable trait that nature would select.

[Gearbox]

I've had difficulty with some bi & gay men who are local. There's a big drama about knowing each other, and being in one another's lives indirectly. There are many possible reasons for it, from 'dumpability' to 'infatuation'. All risk discreetness.
Prepare yourself for being 'cast out' without notice nor reason, if my experience is anything to go by.lol
Just put it down to paranoia if that happens, and don't take it personally!

Emphasise that you are 100% discreet! That having a male friend is NO sign of sex going on! That you will NOT get careless, nor put him at risk if YOU suddenly came out. etc etc.
Hope it goes well for you both.:)

[Realist]

To answer the question, disregarding any moral standards:

The theory is, that a married lover has as much to lose as you do, so they are less apt to be indiscreet!

However, if the person is overcome by guilt after the act, they may be compelled by remorse to reveal everything! The ramifications could be endless.

It's best to know your paramour well, before that first step is taken!

[NjbiGuy01]

It's one of the canundrums of being bi, and playing under the radar is the risk of knowing someone. I try to stay discrete, and do what I can to be as careful as possible, as I am in the closet and my family doesn't know. Very few of my friends in my entire life know of this, and I would like it to stay that way. In a perfect world, it would be great to have a next-door neighbor or a couple in your circle of friends who wants to play. You have benefit of them being "friends", and hopefully a level of trust too. The other side of the coin is that they could blow your cover, or make life unbearable if things dont work out. It's a gamble for sure....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ya gotta look at it this way, Darlin. He's there for the same purpose, doing the Same thing you are, so if you do know him, it might be a bit easier to hook up. IF youre attracted to one another. And no, I dont condone cheating, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do for you. Meet with him, see if theres any sparks, proceed from there.
Above all play safe, and play clean, have a good time.
Cat

[elian]

I always figured that if I ran into someone I KNOW at a gay bar or a pridefest then they are pretty much there for the same reason..now of course there was that time I met a guy from work riding bikes with his wife while I was on my way WALKING TO the 'fest with some brochures and when they said, "Maybe we'll check it out later" I had to come clean with them just what the festival was about or risk them being surprised. Thankfully they were an older couple that was okay with it.

[cornholejoe]

i have met up with a few bi guys i know and its no promblem since we keep it discreet

[mike_b_big]

Sorry in advance for the coming novel......

1) thanks for the replies,wasn't sure what I'd get being as it was my 1st post.

2) For those who are concerned about my morals, I fell my morals are firmly in place. Some history for you, typical married guy who's wife no longer "feels" like giving head. As we all know the thing you want the most is the one you can't get, 2 or 3 times a year doesn't cut it. You can ask for it,try and barter for it,or even beg none of which will produce results. Further more she (my wife) told me to go get "that" some where else, took that with a grain of salt of coarse, so one day I tested the waters. Her sister called and asked if I could change a flat tire for her, I told her I could if she could return the favor and give me a BJ. She said she would but couldn't because I'm married to her sister( thats the response I expected),so I told her that the wife doesn't care send her a text and ask her yourself , she did and the wife says no. So it goes over as just a joke with the sister-in-law, but later I ask the wife why that was no good being as she had said 1000 times " go get that some where else", her reply was not with my sister. I asked if I should go find a $20 crack whore and she said not that either.So from that I took it has a "don't ask,don't tell" deal. If she doesn't know she doesn't care,I'm not asking her to do anything she doesn't want to do and all is well. Ever go look for a woman who just wants to give head? Hard,if not impossible, to find. Yes I could find a woman on the side,but with that comes more then just the bj I set out to get plus you have the added risk of her not keeping things on the DL and so on. Now there are no shortage of guys who will gladly perform the needed act and take great pleasure in doing so. Ad to that a married guy who is sucking you off wants nothing more then to do the job NSA. Did alot of thinking on the subject and when you break it down it is nothing more then sex, remove gender from the equation,a person makes you feel good and in return you make them feel good. In closing I'm really only doing what she asked and the way she implied it should be done(with out her knowing).

3) Update from todays email exchanges. We have come to agree that we do know each other, hard not to being as it is a small town. While he knows that we know each other,he doesn't know who I am exactly.I on the other hand do know exactly who he is but have not told him I know. His email address is his 1st intial along with his last name, combine that with we are in the same town and it didn't take sherlock to figure it out. I figure there is no reason to clue him in that I know if we don't move forward. Why create that kind of stress for him? Should we choose to go forward we'll both need to know who the other is before meeting which I have no problem with. His answers have been honest,being as I know who he is I'll know if he's feeding me a line of BS. The first response is to just shut it down and walk away but I can't help but see that as missing out on what could be an ideal situation provided we play our cards right. I placed a ad looking for a guy who likes to suck uncut cock,he replied because he likes them that way. Neither is looking for a romantic relationship or anything of that nature,just looking to get whats not at home. As of now we are both mauling over the options,won't here from him till monday. Not sure which way he is leaning,but hoping the idea of a cock close to home that he can have on a routine bases will help close the deal....time will tell.