Relationship Fears

[Dapper_Fellow]

Well, this happened a number of years ago, but the shadow of the incident looms large over my decision making process.

I had begun dating this girl in my sophomore year of college, she was a freshman. We dated for three years and all had gone well despite having to maintain a long distance relationship after she left school. Well, she finally moved in with me after finishing her job halfway across the country. I was finishing my senior year in college and our relationship seemed to be going great. I had come out to her as bi before we began dating, but she had just brushed it off since we attended college in a rural area and the odds of even encountering somebody gay or bi seemed remote.

My bisexuality was an unspoken issue, largely because it hadn't manifested itself in any desires, and I am a faithful boyfriend. Well, needless to say, I began thinking about guys more and more. It got to the point where I'd have a wandering eye when we went out. I never betrayed her, but my desire to be with a guy grew stronger as it laid unfulfilled. Eventually it got to the point where our sex life was impacted. I couldn't really get myself to finish unless I was thinking about guys. Well, that went on for an agonizing four months, and finally I decided I had to tell her how I felt.

I tried to explain to her that I felt as though I were cheating on her for having to think about somebody else in order to get off. I tried to explain that even though I loved her and wanted to be with her, but that I struggle with how to reconcile my feelings for men that simply will not go away. I told her that I needed to be alone and figure things out for myself before I could allow myself to date anyone else. Well, needless to say, it was a VERY messy breakup....

Well that was three years ago. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship, and how to honestly present that. It kills me that I put somebody I love through such a painful experience. I cannot countenance thoughts of somebody else when making love, it seems to me that if you are thinking of somebody (or something) else, than you are cheating because you are denying yourself the mental connection that should be occurring during lovemaking. Not to mention that if you are not mentally present during sex than you are doing little better than masturbating with somebody else's body.

I have tried and tried to shake the fear of "What will I do" when once again I start lusting after the sex that my partner is not. Since her, I haven't had very many relationships. Needless to say my ex girlfriend did a very thorough job convincing the Tri-lakes region that I am gay and not bi, and as a result no girls want anything to do with me. As for guys, well the only gay guy that has drifted through my region (and wanted to date) was here for a brief stint as part of his Visa from South Africa. We dated for the six months that he was here before he had to move to reapply for his Visa. He likewise brushed it off when I informed him that I was bi. I never lusted after a lady when we were together, but the fear that I would want what he couldn't give me loomed large. After he left the area we stayed in touch for another six months and then he just stopped contacting me altogether (a story for another time).

Well. I suppose the point of this post is to see if anybody out there has had similar experiences. I am sure to let my intentions be known, that I am bisexual and that I sometimes desire the other sex, and that if there is no way to reconcile this desire then I won't continue (or even begin) a relationship but will end it instead of cheating. So far I have yet to encounter ANYBODY that is even remotely interested in entertaining the idea of an open relationship (in fact I think that the ideal polyamorous open relationship scenario that I envision is in fact a myth I will never realize). I would like to entertain the idea of a monogamous relationship, but I know in my heart that it won't work for me. I have no control over the frequency or duration of my attraction for a certain sex and I can't stomach the thought of hurting somebody else because of this. I can envision myself dating a guy more readily than a gal, but only because gender roles make me sick. I just wonder if I have to keep waiting for the rest of the world to wake up and challenge the premises behind monogamy. I keep trying to find someone, anyone who can understand what I am trying to say, but it's been challenging, it seems that most bisexuals do not like to discuss the issue of their problems with monogamy.

[tenni]

I think that you raise a very important aspect of those of us who are sexual bisexual men. I've been trying to read an internet older copy of a book called Dual Attractions: Understanding Bisexuality. (Martin Weinberg, Colin J. Williams, Douglas Prior) Oxford University Press, ISBN 0-19-508482-9 (hard copy) ISBN 0-19-509841-2 (ppb)

It is a longitudinal study on bisexuality. It states quite a few things. It reported that most primary relationships for bisexuals are non monogamous with those in a relationship (80%) being non monogamous. Most are happier in multi (poly) relationships of one form or other. The research found that these multi relations were not just about sexual gratification but were critical in sustaining a sense of oneself as a sexual bisexual.

You have found this out about yourself. I don't have the answer in finding a relationship with one gender while maintaining my identity. Well, I have found what I am comfortable with but it is forms of friends with benefits with men. Like yourself, finding a woman who is open to male bisexuality seems difficult for a variety of reasons. I'm of a different generation and much older than you. At your point in your life it may or may not work as it leaves out the female aspect of my attraction. It is just easier with men as far as sexual gratification is concerned. I wish you well in your search.

One important aspect is that it states that bisexual men differ from bisexual women as to how we deal with our feelings as far as how we place physical sex and emotional romance. Bisexual men tend to put the physical sexual aspect first. It is easy for men to have physical sex with the same gender more so than the romantic while for bisexual women it is easier to have romantic feelings for other women than physical sexual feelings. For a bi guy then it is important that even bi women may look at multi partner needs differently.

The book discusses the role of jealousy in non monogamous relationships. It talks about a lot of things that are posted here about establishing ground rules. Many here report about this aspect. It is difficult for bisexual men to establish primary relationships that honestly acknowledge our duality and the key idea that non monogamy is about sustaining a sense of oneself. It is not impossible to find as reported by many bisexuals here.

It states that they found five different types of bisexuals as well and few were the stereotypical equal sexual and emotional attraction to both genders.

It is only partially there and scrolls poorly but it supports what you are saying about yourself. The book is a bit dated (1994) and I suspect that more of the longitudinal aspects of this study have been published elsewhere.

http://books.google.ca/books?hl=en&lr=&id=pXxd3gDQFeIC&oi=fnd&pg=PA3&dq=Bisexuality+and+Subcultures&ots=mHxxpLCNgg&sig=PN9FpU1NwYRDe0ZCDIXwXr39HRA#v=onepage&q=Bisexuality and Subcultures&

Crap
It comes up differently. "The Riddle of Bisexuality" may be the one to try to access from this page?

[DuckiesDarling]

Just gives you a big hug, Dapper. Believe me that many on here have problems with monogamy and have issues with relationships. I applaud you for actually having the courage to say you'd rather not be in a relationship than cause the pain for your partner that cheating could cause. I'm sure that somewhere out there you will find someone who will be exactly what you need. Who won't look down on you for wanting open relationship and will actually revel in that open relationship with you. My partner is bisexual and I am heteroflexible, we are monogamous but we meet his bi desires with strap ons and lots of wonderful scenarios. At some point it may come up that his need for man to be with him while we are in bed might have us taking on someone else for some play but until that time we are working within the bounds of a monogamous relationship to satisfy both of our desires. Again, I wish you luck. I'm sure that somewhere there is the perfect partner or partners for you. Thanks for posting.

[tenni]

DD
Not too be too critical but I think that you need to add that your partner is asexual and that you live on different continents. That omission of his asexuality makes a huge difference between him and those of us men who are sexual bisexuals.

[Long Duck Dong]

dapper...... as I was strolling gracefully along the path of life ( has angelic face and hopes you are fooled ) I was finding that I was struggling with relationships a lot.... things were ok as long as they were not sexual.... if things got sexual, the bisexual aspect of me came out with a vengence and I found it very hard cos I did not want to have a open / poly relationship cos I would feel guilty and yes, like I was betraying my partners..... and the desire was not really for sex either, it was more a emotional / mental energy need......

I will explain that.... its not love, affection or compassion, its a need to feel emotion, like a intense, passionate, hard core fuckfest, without the sex...... and it was not til I was in my late 30s that i learned it was a form of depression called dysthimia and it was compounded by PTSD from military service..... suddenly my world made more sense to me, but also I realised that I did not want to be in a relationship as that was causing conflict for me ( gotta love the dystimia ) so I decided that I would remain single for the rest of my world..... something that doesn't affect me as I also have a asexual nature, there is no sex drive.. so I do not deal with the *craving * for sex that other people can deal with....

what I found, was difficult to live without, was human or animal interaction..... I am a cat lover ( we have 3 cats and 3 *spares * lol strays that come for a pat and a feed ) and I care give for / live with a elderly gay gentleman that has no family left and without me, he would have nothing at all.... so that fills the gap with needing the interaction.... then I have DD... my partner of 4 years and we spent three months together before she buggered off back to the US...lol......

DD knows that even now, I still struggle within myself, I have days that I wish to hell I could be lobotomised, just so she would have some semblance of a normal person for a partner.... and yes we argue like cats and dogs at times, but she hangs in there.... god knows why.... but she does...... and there are times that I wonder if she sees right down into the heart of me, and knows that come hell or high water, that I would move heaven and earth for her ( and my friends ) and that its something I often do..... so I do appreciate the way that DD works in with me to help me slowly adjust to a semi normal existance...... even tho I drive her nuts lol.......

there are times that monogamy for some people, is the best option and other times that its the worst... but the same goes for a open relationship, its good for some and not for others..... and then there are the ones that do the middle ground of Friends with benefits, lol all the pleasures of non monogamy and non of the restrictions of a relationship.... but that works for people that are more sexual, than emotional / mental bisexuals.....

the trouble is when there are aspects of all three in a person.... the desire to be monogamous, the understanding that it would not work.... and the issue of do you choose sex over love...... and then you have to find people that can understand and relate to what you are going thru......

many would say I am blessed with the people we have around DD and I, that would step into the gap if need be... but its a journey that started more than 20 years ago... and even now, I am not sure how it will work out....... so dapper, my friend... my single piece of advice, is do not look for the woman that completes you... but the people that complete you as they are the ones that can bring you as close to utopia as you dare to walk, and they can often be the key to the rest of the journey and the people you will share it with

[DuckiesDarling]

No Tenni, since that has no bearing. Keep pushing the sexual bisexual... then start pushing how no one is bisexual unless they are actively having sex with both genders... completely destroy everyone else's understanding of bisexuality and it's many connotations then sleep alone and tell yourself you are happy. Have a good day.

[tenni]

Actually Tenni is correct. Long Duck is asexual and not bisexual at all since he is not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender, and he has an extremely low and non-existant sex drive. He's said this about himself many times on this site. You're not heteroflexible or another term for bisexual since you're straight/hetero. Tenni does not push the agenda that no one is somehow bisexual unless they are actively having sex with both genders. It should be mentioned however that Long Duck is asexual and not bisexual at all and other people here including long duck have frequently noted this about him.

Whether a poster sees themself as bisexual is irrelevant when they are more importantly asexual and can live quite happily without physical sex. This is not the OP. He is a sexual bisexual and leaning towards men for now. Yes, Drugstore, I do believe that a person may be bisexual if they are attracted sexually and or emotionally to both genders. Most sexual bisexuals need sex and are happy with having sex..unhappy to do without sex for too long ;). Most who call themselves bisexual are sexual bisexuals and don't realize that there are asexuals who identify as bisexual as well. The default mode is sexual bisexuals and not asexual bisexuals when the word bisexual is used.

Truthfulness as to self is important. Putting the country that you actually physically live in your profile is being truthful. Stating how far apart you live from your partner is being truthful. Stating that you haven't had in person sex for three years with your partner and even then used a strap on for only three months on your asexual partner is being truthful.

For those who seem so interested in my own sex life ...its been six days and will be another few days because I'm under the weather. ;) It was with a new friend with benefits or maybe we will just be fuck buddies. Our goal is to be friends with benefits but you never know in the nonmonogamous lifestyle. It can be like dating with sex but only being friends....not playing house. Yes, I am quite happy sleeping in my bed alone. Sometimes I do have sleep overs and still like to sleep in a bed by myself after a ..little snogging and stuff.:impleased Sometimes, I like to sleep in the same bed with my friends with benefits or fuck buddies. Happy..yes enough for now. I'm truthful about myself and disclose as much as I want to when I want to..like most honest truthful people on this site.

[elian]

OK so when you feel that you are up to try dating again you make sure you prominently display "Bi" on your profile, that way there can be no mistake, and you will have to have a conversation with anyone you are SERIOUSLY considering being more than just casual friends with.

It is HARD to take bisexuality seriously until you are actually confronted with that indecision, for years I tried to prove to myself that I was either gay OR straight - it simply never occurred to me that I could be both and I think only another bisexual person could really know what that feels like. I have been discriminated against for being bi because some potential dates feel that bisexual people are more promiscuous - I haven't had sex with another actual human being in a long time so I am anything but - although I do love to flirt.

You can't change how another person feels, only they can do that - so once you know what you want it is best to be up front with people you are considering having a relationship with - and then they can decide for themselves if they can live with who you are as a person.

But you say, "I did tell my girl" - but based on your description it sounds as though at that time the both of you did not have the true experience of knowing what it means to love another adult. Love yourself first, show yourself patience, kindness, acceptance - learn how to work through anger and other bad feelings without damaging yourself - then you will know what it means to truly love someone else in a healthy way.

[12voltman59]

Dapper's situation does present one of those conundrums when it comes to bisexuality---if you do follow a policy of being open about it with opposite sex partners---in all probability you mght scuttle the relationship with that person for all the reasons that Dapper spoke of.

For the first time late last year, I had not dated a gal in awhile, I didn't say anything about my bisexuality with her until after we had been out a series of times---and I had not "made any moves on her"---which is something as a single guy---both when I considered myself totally hetero and now----that I always consider "when should I make a move"----with some people---we had sex right away--with others not till after we had been together awhile or maybe not at all.

It seemed that having or not having sex with a lady was something that I just never knew how it would work out when dating someone---I tried to straddle that line between "being a gentleman" by not jumping into it and seeming that all I wanted was sex with them--or making them think if I was biding my time---"is he gay or is there something wrong with me?" being asked on the part of the lady.

Well--with this new lady--when I told her---we had a pretty good conversation about it with her asking me about how I came to figure that I wanted to do this, what I did and all---but on the one hand---it was a mistake I suppose because that was the end of our relationship after that night, such as it was to that point--but also a good thing for both of us because she did know what I was about and that wasn't for her---so that is cool.

I still am not clear in my mind on how I would proceed come the next time--tell them early on when it seems we "might have something going" or wait till later into things.

I guess that when that time comes, I will tell them early on---based on the fact its "the right thing to do" but then again---the emotional part of you that doesn't much care for rejection after spending some time and energy on a relationship and I can tell ya---at the age I am now---it really is a much harder thing to be involved with someone else now---when you are young--you just "go for it" (at least that is the way I often did things then) and don't consider all the ramifications of things---you just barrel on through--but now at this age---you have to mull over every aspect of everything, go through all the contingencies and "what ifs." Back then too---it seemed that if one potential thing fell apart--it wasn't very long before I was "back riding that horse" and was dating someone new--of course--I was young, was attending a university of roughly 30,000 students, so it was a "target rich environment" as they say in the military when they come into a battle zone and have plenty of things to fight. To find someone single, available and other things----man--its just a heck of a lot harder now!!!!

One thing for sure---while we here can surely make suggestions to others how they handle their relationships and their version of Bisexuality---we have no right to actually pass judgement on anyone for what they do in these regards---even when they are "doing things on the side"---we cannot really put ourselves into anyone else's shoes when it comes to these things.

I do wish ya the best of luck, like I do for everyone else---there are no easy answers to all of this, I am afraid to say, but such is life no matter what.

[Gearbox]

I agree with Drugstore cowboy there: We all imagine we're with somebody else during sex sometimes. I was only talking about that very recently. I do feel a little guilty about it, but it's no big deal really. I was with a bloke and imagined he was another bloke I see, for a little while as my mind wandered. I very much doubt that he'd care, and he probably imagined that I was somebody else too.
I've imagined fucking a bloke while with a woman, and fucking a woman while with a bloke.
Who cares? We all enjoyed!:bigrin:
As for it being unfaithful/cheating mentally: How are you to block out every single other person in the world to be purely mentally faithful? You can't!! (excluding a former Vulcan mind control lesbian member of course.:rolleyes:).
God, I lost count how many times ex gf's were female prisoners cuffed to her prison bed, or virgins, or whatever we fancied.
Don't worry about it!:)

[Long Duck Dong]

Whether a poster sees themself as bisexual is irrelevant when they are more importantly asexual and can live quite happily without physical sex. This is not the OP. He is a sexual bisexual and leaning towards men for now. Yes, Drugstore, I do believe that a person may be bisexual if they are attracted sexually and or emotionally to both genders. Most sexual bisexuals need sex and are happy with having sex..unhappy to do without sex for too long ;). Most who call themselves bisexual are sexual bisexuals and don't realize that there are asexuals who identify as bisexual as well. The default mode is sexual bisexuals and not asexual bisexuals when the word bisexual is used.

Truthfulness as to self is important. Putting the country that you actually physically live in your profile is being truthful. Stating how far apart you live from your partner is being truthful. Stating that you haven't had in person sex for three years with your partner and even then used a strap on for only three months on your asexual partner is being truthful.

For those who seem so interested in my own sex life ...its been six days and will be another few days because I'm under the weather. ;) It was with a new friend with benefits or maybe we will just be fuck buddies. Our goal is to be friends with benefits but you never know in the nonmonogamous lifestyle. It can be like dating with sex but only being friends....not playing house. Yes, I am quite happy sleeping in my bed alone. Sometimes I do have sleep overs and still like to sleep in a bed by myself after a ..little snogging and stuff.:impleased Sometimes, I like to sleep in the same bed with my friends with benefits or fuck buddies. Happy..yes enough for now. I'm truthful about myself and disclose as much as I want to when I want to..like most honest truthful people on this site.

and that has exactly what to to with the OPs issue..... and what about your normal * the thread is going off topic * stance that appears to be missing here and the * rule 2 quoting *

if you can not stick to the persons issues with RELATIONSHIPS and his attraction to BOTH genders, and lay off the LDD bashing and thread jacking... then I would suggest that you stop posting in the thread, since you can not follow your own quidelines for other members

[Long Duck Dong]

I was sexually active for near 20 years so tenni's statements are misleading.... but thats the trouble with personal attacks and misinformation

I got to the point in the end that I was rather blunt with people and would say * before you ask, I am bisexual * and it was cos I got tired of people getting the wrong idea about me... and unfortunately I was rather blunt and rude when I said it.... but I was and always have been out as a bisexual..... and believe me, its not as good as it sounds at times.......

you end up having to deal with misconceptions from people.... and being a asexual natured bisexual, it means that I am fully capable of sex with both genders and used to have it, I just do not feel the need to, at the moment and choose not to fix that until DD is back in NZ

people often assume that I am having sex with different people every night... or that I never have sex or a partner or a interest or attraction to people.... and that is the same type of misinformation and BS, that people like tenni and drugstore spread around when they decide they know more about being a asexual natured bisexual, than I do.... it is a bit like the misinformation spread by people that are not bisexual, about bisexuals......

it comes back to something that I have addressed before in the site, about how being out as a bisexual, doesn't mean that people will understand what the hell it means to be a bisexual..... what it does mean, is that you will have to * school * them about you being bisexual and what your interest and desires as as a bisexual and how they affect you......

I had to go thru the same thing with DD and share with her as I phased and shifted from hetero to gay interest and back again... and the highs and lows of needing sex ( thats right needing sex, not wanting it.... in simple terms you crave the emotion and energy of sex, but you have no interest in going and having sex ) and its got to the point where DD can see the differences between bisexuals now... with some there is subtle differences, and with others, there are very strong clear differences..... IE the bisexual that only wants sex.... and the bisexual that wants and needs both partners equally.....

DD has come to the point of realising that she is heteroflexible.... not a person that is bisexual in denial like drugstore says.... but a person that is open minded about being with the same sex in a 3some but no real interest in being with the same sex.... DD has posted and created a blog about how she views her heteroflexibility.......but its clear once again that people like to ignore a persons own understanding of their sexuality and interests, and tell the person that they are wrong about themselves....

so as you can see, dapper, even being out and honest about who you are... is not always the smooth road it appears to be and often your biggest critics are not the heterosexual community.... it can come from within the very community you walk with... the bisexual community.... fortunately its few and far between.....but you will still have to explain your own bisexual nature to other bisexuals as they may see their own bisexuality as the pinnacle of bisexuality and any variables as not actual bisexuality....... and with any luck, you will find a lady and guy that understand your bisexuality, your sexual / emotional / mental wants and needs and help you find the middle ground that makes being a bisexual that much easier

[falcondfw]

You know, this kind of personal sniping at each other is what will send people running for the hills, never to return.
Why don't we try to help the original poster with their problem, instead of hijacking his thread to personally attack others?
I have no idea why drew puts up with this crap.
Tenni, you are a sharp guy with a lot to offer/advise people who need it. Why do you persist in this kind of stuff?
LDD tries to help in his way. Why don't you try to do the same? Otherwise, just bugger off and don't post if you can't behave yourself.
And if you can't behave yourself, maybe you should see a shrink (sorry LDD) about OCD?

[falcondfw]

Dapper,
I have had a somewhat similar experience.
I had been married for 12 years and never thought I was bi at this point. In fact, as a late teen, I had been approached by a guy at an adult theater and had almost run away screaming.
But for whatever reason, I started to get more and more curious. Watching porn. Then bi porn. More curious. I started having problems finishing, like you did. Some of it was probably medical. I was on the verge of diabetes and high blood pressure and had been for a long time, even though I did not know it. Also, my allergies were getting worse and I know the allergy meds affected my performance. And yes, even though I was not completely aware of it at the time, I was somewhat aware that the marriage was in trouble and maybe coming to an end (it did). But with all those factors, I never considered my curiosity as affecting my performance. Who knows? maybe it did. With all of my issues, I will probably never know.
What I am saying is, yes, it may have been your feelings changing that led to the performance issues. But it could also be something more serious. I would seriously get a check up, if I was in your shoes. A COMPLETE check up. Probably with a stress test. Are you on diabetes or High blood pressure meds? Were you taking allergy meds? Even aspirin can affect performance, because it is a blood thinner.
Your issues may be psychological in nature, but you should make sure to eliminate the possible medical reasons before you drive yourself crazy about it.

[tenni]

Pepper
I see the merit in Drugstore and Gear's comments. The OP referred to the issue of monogamy and bisexuals. I posted information and opinion on that issue. I gave my opinion to the OP and within five minutes another poster made a comment with partial truths. The next poster wrote about her using a strap on and made it a personal disclosure about her relationship as if very experienced. The OP did not make any reference to wanting to be pegged by a woman. In fact, handsome young Dapper lists himself as a 6 (mostly gay) Not all bisexual men want to be pegged by a woman either. I believe that the truth should be posted when a poster presents half truths so that the OP understands clearer. I don't see the issue as OCD but truths and omissions. If it is wrong to correct errors of omissions, I'm sorry.

Now, Pepper I see you comment to the OP while I was composing this.

[falcondfw]

Tenni,
I would suggest you check the icon next to the post and bother to take the time and make the effort to get the name right as most people who show common courtesy do. You are a very disrespectful person and it seems you are the typical bully who has to try to bring others down to make yourself look better. Pathetic. Grow up junior.

[Dapper_Fellow]

I appreciate the advice.

I don't appreciate the sniping, from anyone. I really don't need to hear somebody qualify somebody else's opinion, if I want to know where somebody is coming from, I will ask.

Drugstorecowboy- I don't think I'm a very picky fellow. The deal breaker for me in attempting a relationship is the content of the conversations we have. If a person can't converse with me in a natural fashion (one that flows and isn't one sided that is to say) then I lose interest in dating them. I am out and honest with people, hence I tend not to get much further than the conversation regarding my bisexuality, it usually plays out in a manner similar to that which Voltman described. As for feeling like cheating because I am not mentally present during sex.....well that's my hang up, and I can respect that other people don't share my view. I would just hate to think that I was pleasing somebody and they had to pretend I was somebody else in order to get off, that is a somewhat demoralizing thought. Thank you for this quote though, "If they don't want to date you because you're bisexual that's their problem." I would do well to remind myself of that rather than get discouraged.

Tenni- Thanks for the reading suggestions. I am glad to see that there has been studies done on bisexuals that have data applicable to my life! Interestingly I find myself more emotionally (and sexually attracted) to men, but I would be kidding myself if I denied that I enjoy women, albeit almost entirely in a sexual capacity. I realize that the previous sentence sounds misogynistic too (sorry! but it's true). I am well aware that I am more attracted to men than women, and I am also aware that if I were to be monogamous it would very much more than likely be with a guy. My main concern remains that there is little else I can do than be open and honest about my sexuality and my aspirations for a relationship that allows it to be expressed. I realize that suppressing my sexuality is not an option, nor would I want it to be one. I like who I am, I like that I am bi, I just wish it was a non-issue for others because it is a non-issue for me what anybody's sexuality is. I guess all that one can do is be honest and hope for understanding. How many aspects of my life must be determined by waiting for those around me to grow up and cast hate out of their hearts?

Elian- I have it noted that I'm bi everywhere I am on the web, unless I missed something on my profile here....That said, you hit the nail on the head, we were both too immature for the relationship and it took me about three years to realize that. Believe me the relationship was fraught with problems, my bisexuality and resultant loss of interest in her was merely the straw that broke the camel's back. That said, my relationship with her is still the longest relationship I have been in, the second closest being a mere six months. I wasn't very much in love with myself back then, and I had reservations about the relationship from the get-go, but being a nerdy loser who had very little relationship experience, I took what I could get and tried to make it work. I'm just glad I recognized that I was in an unhealthy relationship and extricated myself from it. Thankfully I have done quite a bit of growing up since then. For the first time in my life I actually like myself, I actually consider myself attractive, and a catch. What is vexing is that I have become confident, outgoing, charismatic, and well put together, and yet it is all for naught. I still wake up everyday and look in the mirror and ask myself, "What is wrong with everybody else? How am I STILL single?" Yet the only answer I have for myself is to continue to wait for everybody else to evolve to a point where being bisexual is not viewed as anomalous. That and moving to a more populous center will hopefully help. I just hate feeling powerless because the factors that affect my situation are entirely external (eg. people's attitudes towards bisexuality, my geographical proximity to LGBT people, etc.)

Voltman- I have been there too. I have decided that not mentioning my sexuality up front leads to a dance much like what you described. I tire of this kind of mental footsie and thus just explain myself up front, then I don't have to put myself through the agony of wondering when to bring up the issue. I completely understand the dating game grinding to a halt outside of college. Strangely most people my age rely on internet dating, which boggles my mind as to how it could even (hypothetically) work. Needless to say I do have a profile on Okcupid and here just for kicks. I am at a loss to understand how to go about building genuine human connections through such an impersonal media, but I'm trying.

Gearbox- Of course I am not some kind of Vulcan, I think about other people all the time when I am in a relationship. But when I am having sex I like to "keep my head in the game" it seems quite disrespectful to do otherwise. If I was riding some guy and he had to envision me as Jenna Jameson in order to get his rocks off I would feel like a fleshlight. I don't want anybody I sleep with to feel that way. Again, a personal hang up maybe, but still, I'm sure you can follow my logic even if you disagree with it.

DD- I appreciate the hugs. Believe me I'd love to find a gal who is into pegging. That said I feel like toys would be a kind of poor cousin to the real deal. My favorite part of having sex with guys is the money shot. I haven't given up on women, but I have given up on pursuing a relationship that is even passingly similar to the kind that straight people have.

LDD- I appreciate your insight. I have many wonderful friends in my life who keep me going when things are bleak. I am fortunate enough to have something of a second family where I live, and the value of these relationships is immense. However, I am a deeply sexual being, and while I am not at a loss for meaningful human contact, I am at a loss for meaningful intimacy. I literally have to take a few minutes to try and remember the last time I made out with somebody and had it meant something. I long for that more than just unmitigated sex, so I understand what you mean when you say "a need for mental/emotional energy". It is most unfortunate that we choose to infight as a community rather than seek understanding, but you bring up a valuable point, that the multifarious nature of bisexuality means that upon identifying as bisexual one carries the onus of explaining the meaning of such self identification (even and perhaps especially, to other bisexuals).

Falcon- Thanks for the advice. I am not on any medications as I have no medical ailments. I have had several check ups since I was dating her and there is nothing physically wrong with me. If anything I am excessively virile.

Well I thank everybody for their responses. It seems that the consensus is that to be open, honest, and out and just hope that whomever you're trying to date isn't some kind of Morlock. Well, the struggle continues.....

"If religion is the opiate of the masses, then money is the meth amphetamine."
- Me

[elian]

Wow, the signal to noise ratio in this thread is low on the signal, high on the noise..

Dapper, hopefully as you have become more comfortable with yourself, who you are as a person will flow naturally..there ARE other bisexual people out there - as well as plenty of people who just can't imagine bi, or imagine it to be something other than what it really is.

I have been in a relationship with a couple before, I found it to be a lot of hard work trying to please everyone and make sure that nobody was left out. It was also a long distance relationship and although I loved both of them very much I just couldn't sustain it because of that.

Simple is better I think so now I try to get to know a person first. I'll probably never stop flirting, but if there are strong mutual feelings between the two of us then I think one lover would satisfy me..it just so happens that it could be from either gender. At least that is where I am at presently, who knows - with experience my mind could change.

Keep trying..

[falcondfw]

Drugstore,
I was just suggesting that he get checked as a precaution and completely eliminate that before he assumes that the psychological is the cause of his problems. Sexual performance problems are one of the main leading indicators of heart issues. You can check out my statement on webmd.com or you can ask your doctor. I was just saying that he would not want to be surprised to find out that his performance problems were caused by medical problems, because by the time he found that out, it might be too late.

[DuckiesDarling]

Actually Tenni and I are not doing anything like you're claiming that we are. Even you yourself have said this on here many times: Anyway you seem to be misunderstanding the definition of "heteroflexible" if your supposed girlfriend is really heteroflexible and actually wants sex with someone of the same gender even in a 3 way then she's bisexual but in denial about her sexuality. I don't know of any actual hetero/straight women who want to have sex with a woman or eat her snatch or do anything sexual with a woman even in a 3 way with a man involved and only bisexual women want to do this. The original poster Dapper Fellow is not asexual at all and unlike you he's actually bisexual. He's clearly not heteroflexible either or pretending to be hetero anything, and it does not appear that he has health issues at all like Falcon claimed that he might have or should get checked out for. Dapper it sounds as though when you were with that woman you were no longer sexually attracted to her at all. This can happen when you're dating someone and the relationship/sex has run it's course. Yes it even happens to straight people too and I have straight male friends who have told me how they've dated or had relationships with women who they're no longer attracted to.

Well now you do cause this straight woman has no interest in sex with a female. Live and learn.

[DuckiesDarling]

You are nothing more than a troll, Drugstore, you prove it more and more everytime you try to tell someone they are the sexuality you want to think they are rather than how they define themselves. You are nothing to me or to my sexuality, you know nothing about anything to do with me and my sexuality or my partners sexuality. You take care of your own sexuality and your own bedroom and stay the hell out of my bedroom, life and dreams. have a good day and welcome to the world of ignore the troll.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Wow, what a nice way to hijack someone elses' thread and use it for your personal soap box dig on someone else. Drugstore and Tenni seem made for each other. What business is it of Either of ya'll's to have to Constantly mention DD and Duck's realtionship, or aim a jab at either one of them?? Good grief catch the hint and leave then the hell alone.
My apologies to the original poster.
Cat

[Jason0012]

To the OP, it is ashame that a lot of us have a rough time figuring things out. It is of course made more complicated by the fact that we are all different. It is entirely possible to be monogamous as a bisexual. I also dont think you should be so concerned about fanasizing about someone other than who you are with. If you have good comunication with your partner there shouldn't be so much of a problem talking about this either. If you find the right person you can even use some role playing to explore your bisexual side without additional partners. On top of that, it is also quite feasable to have long meaningful relationships with more than one person. This requires a lot of work and understanding but has quite a big payoff. Polyamory is definately not for everybody though. You have no doubt noticed by now that there are quite a lot of people who would rather have no relationships at all and instead have short purely sexual encounters.
There is no need to write off the prospect of ever having a realationship of any meaning. Lots of us do. You just have to decide what sort of relationship you are comfortable with and be prepared to discuss this up front with any new prospects. Not everyone you meet will want the same things , but by being upfront about it you can avoid the unpleasantness of surprising someone who is already invested emotionaly in you, or you in them. In whatever type of relationship you may find yourself remember that communication is the key and talking things out can solve most everything. And be prepared to compromise somewhat. But don't give up!