Desperately wanting to tell spouse of my sexual curiosities..but SCARED! Help!

[greenthumb95]

Hello all,

I have a serious question, in need of some serious advice.


For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys.
I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well.


I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex.
However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things.


Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me.


To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense.
It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise.


How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men?


Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything?


Any thoughts or comments would be much appreciated!

[Long Duck Dong]

if you reread your other thread, you will find some advice in there

http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?12329-Am-I-bisexual-does-my-spouse-suspect-it&p=218945#post218945

my advice is the same as it always will be.... talk with her... you know best how she acts to LGBT issues in the media, news and on shows and with the people around her..... so there would be some indication about the way she feels about other people being LGBT

the thing is that other people is not you.... you are her partner and some people react differently to a LGBT friend than a LGBT partner......

I would apologise to your wife also.... cos if she is hearing stories, she may be wanting to hear you talk with her cos she is your partner and she should be one of the first people you talked to....

[rabbit16]

Bring it up by stating about a "friend" who is in your same position and ask her what she thinks. Kind of what I did only my friend was real who had a chance with a threesome (friend was male with chance of 2 females and conversation took off from there). We haven't acted on anything but with newborns in the mix we won't for a while but good to get off my chest. Remember you don't have to act on what you think but can still share.

[bluesky55]

Rest assured, you have already told her as a secret shared is not a secret at all. The more people you have told, the more you have increased the probability that someone else will eventually spill the beans. Not necessarily intentionally or spitefully (all though that possibility does exist too) but just casually or even accidentally. Ever been around someone that had a couple drinks, said something and then realized "oops. I shouldn't have said that." Just decide now if it'll be you or someone else and just exactly what is it you want to say. When you figure that out, then move on to how you'll say it.

[greenthumb95]

Rest assured, you have already told her as a secret shared is not a secret at all. The more people you have told, the more you have increased the probability that someone else will eventually spill the beans. Not necessarily intentionally or spitefully (all though that possibility does exist too) but just casually or even accidentally. Ever been around someone that had a couple drinks, said something and then realized "oops. I shouldn't have said that." Just decide now if it'll be you or someone else and just exactly what is it you want to say. When you figure that out, then move on to how you'll say it.


Yea, I know. I am just ultra scared..and part of me would really like her to wonder if i am, bring it up..then it would be easier for me to talk to her about it. i would be able to see how she was reacting to it, etc. I have talked to quite a few females that we both mutually know. I just feel so ashamed, dirty..like I am letting everyone down.

[lilbitbi]

Unless she has ever told you about a sexual fantasy or shared a sexual impulse, I would avoid full disclosure. My wife accepted my mention of early 'experimentation' ( I had told her before marriage) but she never used it as part of our sex life or mentioned it again. Remember, equality or not, women are different. I love my wife and wont reject her because she is not as physically in need of stimulation. But I also will just use the internet to release my personal fantasies.

[axlton]

Greenthumb, just tell her. Be honest with her. She's your wife after all and if you can't tell your wife things like this or want to keep secrets from her then you shouldn't be married to her at all. Do not do what rabbit said and use a hypothetical "friend" since she'll just see right through that and easily be able to tell that it's you.

I would tend to agree with that, if there's one person you should be able to trust it is your spouse. I know it's a scary thing, it was for me. I was surprised, however, to find that my wife was totally ok with me being bi. That doesn't happen in the majority of cases, but you never know. Either way, she is probably not going to leave you for it. You should definitely tell her and get her permission if you intend to act on your fantasies however. No matter how careful you are there's always a possibility of bringing disease home, and she deserves informed consent rather than "SURPRISE, YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA!!!" Trust me her response is not going to be "Oh, thank you honey, that's just what I've always wanted!" That will almost surely be a marriage ender.

So, it's up to you really if you don't intend to act on any of this there's no harm in keeping it to yourself, but, if her sisters know then she probably does to at this point. If you do intend to act though I would tell her and get her ok before doing anything.

[coldfire78]

I would tend to agree with that, if there's one person you should be able to trust it is your spouse. I know it's a scary thing, it was for me. I was surprised, however, to find that my wife was totally ok with me being bi. That doesn't happen in the majority of cases, but you never know. Either way, she is probably not going to leave you for it. You should definitely tell her and get her permission if you intend to act on your fantasies however. No matter how careful you are there's always a possibility of bringing disease home, and she deserves informed consent rather than "SURPRISE, YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA!!!" Trust me her response is not going to be "Oh, thank you honey, that's just what I've always wanted!" That will almost surely be a marriage ender.

So, it's up to you really if you don't intend to act on any of this there's no harm in keeping it to yourself, but, if her sisters know then she probably does to at this point. If you do intend to act though I would tell her and get her ok before doing anything.

Well said!

She is probably a lot more aware than you give her credit for - after 10 years of marriage, people tend to know each other pretty well - and especially if you have been talking to a lot of other women about it. You said you are hoping she comes forth to question you ---- the truth is she is probably sitting back questioning you right now, wondering just how long it will be before you trust her with the same information you have divested to others.

[biwmtrucker44]

I think if 1 night you are bed starting 4 play and you start a conversation about sexual things you want to try at a ppoint u feel comfortable bring up 3 somes don't say what gender the othe r to be if she knows it will come out then you can come out

[BiDaveDtown]

I agree be honest with your wife and tell her you're bisexual. Don't play games, drop hints, or do the whole passive/agressive avoidant games that other people are suggesting that you do.

[Curious george 56]

I am in the same situation. I have had an urge to take another mans cock deep in my mouth. I also really want to eat my creampie out for her pussy, but am nervous to ask her. Any suggestions?

[Gearbox]

Say "I think I'm bisexual.". Just say it! There's never going to be an ideal moment to come out with that. It won't seem less trivial if you have a bunch of flowers in your hand, or more accepting if you say in a gondolier in Venice under the full moon.

Saying "I THINK...", might make her feel more involved with that, and she maybe more prone to entering a positive discussion about it, instead of feeling initially isolated by "I'm bisexual!".
Make it an issue that effects you BOTH and needs dealing with TOGETHER.:)

[Long Duck Dong]

I would add one bit of advice to gearboxs advice and all the other advice...... have the 40,000 page book on bisexual definitions for ya partner to read, cos some people know the term bisexual, but they actually have no idea what it actually means lol.....

you may need to talk with your partner about what being bisexual means in your words so she can understand that you are a bisexual and what that means for you, her and the relationship.......

[bieyeswideopen]

I really get where you are. 13 years ago when I met my wife, I was horrified to discuss this. She was raised strict Catholic. She also was coming off a terrible situation with her ex husband. We met, things clicked, we were dating.. 4 months later the "move in with me" moment came and THAT is when I needed to buck up.

If I can share anything:

1. NOT in the bedroom or in the context of ANYTHING sexual or anything important to her. Detach your coming out as FAR away from ANYTHING important to her as you can. I actually "came out" to my wife sitting in the last pew of a country, Methodist church, totally random, on our way home, 100 miles from our destination.

2. Brace yourself for a barrage of questions, accusations, and doubt. My wife doesn't "like" that I am a bisexual male. She accepts it, but is not all rosey and going to join a PRIDE parade any time soon.

3. If others know before her, dude... you've opened a potential problem bigger than your thirst for cock.. Just Sayin'.... If she finds out ANYONE else knew before you told her... she's gonna be WAY more pissed about that, than your curiosity for dick... So cover your tracks/ass... if ANYONE already knows... you need to have THAT conversation with them first. Tell them you are really struggling telling her and you need their help... which is a segway to #4 & #5

4. I never promote dishonesty or being trite, however especially dealing with women, they play the "emotional" card all the time. Again, just sayin'... Playing to her emotions, you are "struggling" you are " hoping she can help" are phrases that can open up the "helper" in her as opposed to the defensive reaction to "hey honey, I love you but I think I need a cock in my gullet!" Make sense?

5. Golden rule: you get back exactly what & how you put it in. Think about how you would want a bombshell dropped on YOUR world. Also think about HOW you speak, your tone, your words, your speed... I know it all sounds over thought... but trust me... if you are HUMBLE, even tempered, and HONEST it will carry in the sincerity of the discussion.

Rob

[bikiniman]

Hello all,
How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men?


Contrary to other advice I would not come out and say "I think I'm bisexual". This could be like dropping a bombshell. The term "bisexual" has different meanings for different people and says nothing about how you feel or think. It will just raise more questions than answers.

Start slowly, tell her the truth, which is "That you have sexual fantasies about men". Maybe start by asking her if she ever has sexual fantasies about women?