How do you know...

[MikeW]

If you are bisexual or gay? How do you define the difference?

[jasforjas]

I am failure as a gay boy - I keep forming emotional relationshpis with women and then wanting to fuck them :bigrin:

[Sparks]

I define it very simply. I'm emotionally and physically attracted to women. This is to say that I could never fall in love with another man. To me, that is a gay relationship, two loving committed men (or women). My homosexual realtions with men is based in friendship. Just two like minded men who enjoy each others company, and sexuality. We intrinsically know what feels good and are able to share that to completion with no strings attached :2cents:

[canuckotter]

For me, the easy answer is: If you like to have sex with men only, you're gay. If you like to have sex with women only, you're straight. If you like to have sex with either (or both -- good times!) you're bi. :tong:

However, that's a slightly simplified answer. A more complicated one is "What do you think you are?"

[arana]

I thought the answer to this was pretty cut and dry but now I'm not so sure. If you still like the opposite sex but have feelings more for same sex are you still bi or is there a line you crossed over to gaydom?

[alexbtn20]

I would describe someone in that situation (a 5 or a 6 on the scale) as a 'Gay leaning Bi' or 'Primarily Gay Bisexual'. So in other words, a person who prefers the same sex but still likes the opposite sex might consider themselves both Gay AND Bi. There isn't really a clear dividing line between these two identities. In my opinion, a primarily gay person has every right to emphasise the bisexual aspect of their sexuality, in much the same way as some primarily heterosexual people do. It is because of our culture that some primarily gay people feel they have to keep quiet about also experiencing attractions and/or urges towards the opposite sex. I also think people can sometimes get too preoccupied about whether they are 'bi enough' to call themselves bi. That's why I prefer to describe how I feel rather than label it, saying that I have a preference for men but am also bi-curious towards women.

Alex :)

[wellred]

Ahhh, here we go again, trying to find little boxes to categorize and keep in tidy rows. Life is a messy and tends to be a moment by moment experience -- "A mystery to be lived; not a puzzle to be solved".

If it makes one feel better to label it, go for it. However, everytime I get ready to tie the box on the finished package, it springs open to reveal a deeper set of mysteries.

Enjoy who you are!

...and that, my friends, is my :2cents:

With Love and Light,
Red

[JohnnyV]

Marc,

I used to think this question was very easy to answer, and merely a question of measuring your own attraction to the same and opposite sexes. Over the years, however, I've found it's too complicated because each individual is so different.

I have also found that in the West, our culture has changed so much that these labels imply much more than a gut feeling toward men or women; people use the labels to decide where they are going to live, who their friends are, their dress style, how they will arrange their domestic life, their political views, whether they are going to conceive children of their own, how much they can adhere to their family's traditions, etc....

In my humble opinion, we in the United States (and much of the Western world) have made too much of sexual desire. With such high stakes, it's hard to look objectively at yourself and say, "am I gay" or "am I bi" or "am I straight." You may feel (1) attraction, (2) arousal, (3) desire, (4) social bonding, (5) cultural commonality, (6) admiration, (7) visual appreciation, (8) pleasure, (9) need or obsession, or (10) gratitude for what the other person has done for you.

All ten of the things I wrote above may or may not involve something sexual, something emotional, or something social. Often such things are not mutual; that is, you may feel them toward someone who does NOT feel them toward you. Therefore, it is possible to spend years obsessing over whether you want the same sex or not, only to decide that you do, and then to find out that you can't have sex with the same sex anyway because for some reason gays or lesbians don't like you, for reasons that are not your fault.

Why pick a label at all? The arguments are numerous and often contradictory. Some say (1) openness is the key to happiness, because if you have a secret that nobody knows, it will drive you cazy. Others say (2) it is your duty to be out so that others in a similar situation will know they are not alone. Others say (3) if you keep it secret, you may succumb to the desires under dangerous circumstances. Still others say (4) you have to be out in order for potential partners to know you are there.

While I am out of the closet and have been for a long time, I don't actually endorse reasons #1-4 above. I think for many people it is not practical to come out, and they have the right to make that choice.

So the bottom line is this: if you feel like you're dizzied by all the confusing factors involved, you're normal. It's the people who have tried to turn sexual orientation into hermetically sealed camps who are abnormal.

For what it's worth :2cents: , I choose the bisexual label but I always take the position that it is my CHOICE. I know -- many people disagree because they think it's dangerous to start calling sexual orientation a choice. But because so many non-sexual factors are now tied to sexual orientation, I think that a person has to approach sexual identity as their choice to make, in order to feel like they are fully control of their lives in all the dimensions that matter to them. Saying you're a gay male, for instance, means that you will forego dating and making love to women; it means that you will never marry a woman and will never know that side of women that only comes out in the home; it means you will probably never have children (adoption is not a likely possibility for most gay male couples for various reasons); it means your social life will probably be narrowed down to a small percentage of the population around whom you will spend a lot of time; and many other things. To say you're bi rolls back some such constrictions, and opens up possibilities otherwise denied to you -- possibilities that may be very important to you for reasons unrelated to sexual desire.

There is nothing hypocritical about making your sex life fit into your larger life goals, rather than vice versa.

I wish you best of luck, Marc!!!


Love,
J

[wildangel]

Well, let's see....

I personally think it's more what you feel than how you practive-not to say that any of the other answers are wrong.

My interests lie completely within my gender. If, God forbid, anything ever happened to my darling hubby I wouldn't seek another heterosexual relationship. I wouldn't be closed to it, but he would have to be as fantastically perfect for me as my current male love.

Although, husband not withstanding, I'm probably 99% gay I relate better as bisexual because, husband not withstanding again, I'm not completely closed to another relationship with a man. I just wouldn't actively pursue one.

I'm not sure if that made any sense, but I hope it helps!

[Mrs.F]

I think I have to agree also with the "forget the labels and just be who you are". Being straight myself and never knowing there was anything other then "straight or gay" I have learned from all of you on here that it's not what group of people or what label you fall into....it's who YOU are & what you feel.

Anyway..I have met a wonderful man on here who has always loved women but has been sexual only with men. He married and had a horrible ending to his marriage. He met a man during his marriage that his wife allowed to him to be with. As his marriage went down hill he just gravitated towards this man (who is gay) and found that he fell in love. Never thinking he could love a man or live in a gay relationship..he has found that he is very happy and very much in love with this man. BUT, his feelings and desires for a woman are still there and he has told me that it just depends on the situation for him. If he fell in love with a woman he could live a heterosexual life again. (if the circumstances ever arose, however he's not looking) I think he learned alot about himself when he met this man. This man I have met on here has taught me alot and he is indeed a very special person in every way! :angel:

I guess my :2cents: to this is....it doesn't matter if your more bi, more gay, more straight...just be you and be happy. Love who you want to love and be who you want to be. Forget everything else. Your happiness is all that matters. Too many people in this world are ready to jump and judge others. One needs to look at themselves and the life they have before judging why others do what they do to be happy!

Wow, I guess I gave more then :2cents: :rolleyes:
Mrs.F :)

[arana]

I agree Red and Johnny......people are complicated individuals and labels are never truly accurate anyway. They can only give you a hint of the person. Each person is unique and has their own quirks, tastes, and characteristics that make them their own person....right down to their own opinions of what a label means to them. :tong:

[strawberry8302]

I think being bisexual is defined as being attracted to both the opposite sex and the same sex. I think being gay is defined as only being attracted to the same sex. The person must have some type of sex with the same sex to be considered gay or bi. I dont think you can be a gay man if you just go out with men, but dont do anything else with them.