my boyfriend is bi and I dont know if I can handle it or even if I should. (help)

[keda804]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year now, I love him very much, we also have a two month old daughter together.i first found out he was havin sex with guys threw his emails he left open, sayin he wanted to meet up with guys and that he was a top guy, and I found a bunch of craigslist post he posted looking for bottom guys, I asked him about it, he only admitted to reciveing oral from one guy, later I found that he been having sex with a couple of guys from messages in his phone, and one guy I spoke to personally said he haz been having sex with him for a while now and that be knew about me, and that he dosent plan to stop, I ask my boyfriend bout it, but he keeps sayin he never had sex with any guys but I know be lying, he wont be honest with me. What should I do? I love him so much, but bein that he cheats on me with guys is hard to handle, him cheating at all is hard to handle, and days ago I saw where he contacted the same guy so I know hes not gonna stop, it so hard for me to leave him

[Long Duck Dong]

ok..... there is a common statement in the forum, about how understanding, communication and honesty is important in a relationship, and pretty much that is often applies to people that are bisexual and want their partner to know and to open the door to a open relationship or a compromise that works for both partners......

normally I would work with a person to help them save the relationship but in this case, based around what you are saying, there is not going to be much of a compromise in the relationship cos I get the impression that your partner is going to do what he wants regardless of your feelings or thoughts on the matter, and that says a lot about his attitude towards the partner that he claims to love......

there has been a number of threads recently in the site and most of them deal with the same issue, bisexual males that are not being honest with their partners.... and its a shame as there is a good number of bisexuals that do love their partners and are genuinely interested in coming out as a bisexual in the relationship and working with their partners to build the relationship....... but it sounds like your partner is one of the other group that place their need for sex above everything else, including their partner and relationship and will lie thru their teeth about it, rather than grow a pair of balls, man up and treat their partner as their partner.....

leaving your partner may be hard for any number of reasons... but my dear, you are not a door mat.... you are a partner, a wife, a lover and somebody deserves to be respected by the person that claims to love you..... so you have to make a choice about your life and your future and that of the child.... as if your partner is not going to be honest about being with other males for sex, you have no way of knowing if he is having safe sex and the risks to you healthwise, may be very high......

so you need to think about you and the child... your future as a person or your future as somebody that is being lied to and treated like they do not matter....... and your partner needs to stop being a lying piece of shit... cos his bisexuality is no excuse for the way he is treating you....

[FinkDoodle]

I don't disagree with the above, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the other common statement in these forums, which seems to be that women constantly seem to be snooping in their boyfriends' private files and then are shocked when they find something they don't like in the course of their digging.

I'm not advocating being lied to by any means, but if you're surreptitiously going through his phone messages looking for dirt, it's hard to feel sympathy for you when you find it. Everybody's entitled to a bit of privacy, don't you think?

[tenni]

Welcome to the site on your first day and your first post.

How old is your b/f and how old are you?

You did not seem to have known this boyfriend long before you found yourself pregnant. Are you living with him and your child presently?

You write that you have been accessing your b/f phone message system? How did you end up with his password or has your b/f given you this password but won't be honest with you about him having sex with men?

You write that you have spoken with one of the men that your b/f is having sex with and this other person told you that your b/f was not going to stop having sex with him? You believe this unknown guy and not your boyfriend?


Now that the self appointed site counsellor has given you his "professional" opinion that your b/f is a piece of shit all of your problems should be solved.

You do not believe your b/f that he is telling you the truth.

Do you have a safe place to go with your child? You need to put your child as a priority here. There seems to be a need for some space between you and your b/f if you can not believe what he has said. Seek out assistance from your family, friends and community social agencies. Seek out a real professional licensed counsellor or social worker to help you with decisions. You may have made some rash decisions in the past year based on what you've written here.

After some space and time, if your b/f begins an honest dialogue about his sexuality and you decide that you want to continue a relationship with him, you may need to set some rules about his same sex behaviour. (other than he shouldn't do it) At this moment, I think that you need a break and rethinking whether you wish to remain in any form of relationship with him. He will always be your child's father though and some form of heathy, co parental relationship is needed for the child's sake.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Honey I really think you should break up with him, because he's a cheating bastard. Please stop thinking with your heart, and try forget that you love him, take your kid and leave. Obviously his sex life with other men is more important to him than you and your baby. Let him go.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

I don't disagree with the above, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the other common statement in these forums, which seems to be that women constantly seem to be snooping in their boyfriends' private files and then are shocked when they find something they don't like in the course of their digging.

I'm not advocating being lied to by any means, but if you're surreptitiously going through his phone messages looking for dirt, it's hard to feel sympathy for you when you find it. Everybody's entitled to a bit of privacy, don't you think?

Not if he's cheating on her, and lying about it. This man can be careless and bring home nasty disease to her, just because he wants bust a nut.

[keda804]

We both are in our early twenties, and he lives with me, he forgets to close out his email and he leaves his phone layin around the house

[The Bisexual Virgin]

We both are in our early twenties, and he lives with me, he forgets to close out his email and he leaves his phone layin around the house

Oh if he lives with you, you have every right to put his ass out. Kick his disrespectful ass to the curb.

[orallybi4cpl]

lets be fair.. there are lots of women who do the same things.. but for some reason it's ok if a female is bi and has bi fun
and it's usually the female that doesn't want a man to be exjoying his sex life.

besides.. maybe the guy is the one with the house and paying all the bills.. it's typical.

Nothing said about if she's withholding sex etc

plenty of people willing to feel sorry for this girl.. but is she on level? Why is she here instead of child protective services?

I think it's all a hoax to get those pesty females all excited here as they love to preach

[csrakate]

besides.. maybe the guy is the one with the house and paying all the bills.. it's typical.



What part of "he lives with me" do you not understand???

Regardless....Keda, this man may or may not be a totally self serving ass, but what concerns me more than anything is the fact that you've been with him a little over a year and you already have a two month old baby with him. Sounds like you need to do a bit of work on yourself as far as impulsivity is concerned. Just how much did you know about him before you decided to have a child with him? That doesn't mean he isn't wrong for not being truthful, but please do yourself a favor and think twice before making such a major life decision in the future. I'm not trying to be mean...I just hope you'll think a bit more before deciding to do something else that will impact you for the rest of your life.

Right now the most important person in this relationship is the child and this guy will always be a part of your life because you had that child with him. You need to decide if you can work things out with this man and that will take some intense honesty and a lot of communicating. I hope it works out but if not, move on and try to maintain a decent relationship with him for the child's sake. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Keithism]

Hello, Keda. Most bisexual men that love their women would welcome the chance to involve you in their full love lives. Have you thought about getting to know the man your boyfriend sees the most of and building your own relationship with him in a way that shows your boyfriend that you want to stay with him? Of course, staying with him would mean acceptance of his bisexuality, and that's a choice you can make that can be neither right nor wrong. I wish all the best for you and your family. It might be a adventure in true love that most don't get the opportunity to take. Lots of love.

[sexual26]

First I would suggest if your man isn't being honest with you and continues to lie to you after you have read emails and spoke to one of his male partners I would make an appointment to see my doctor and have a few test done to start with. Then I would try and communicate with him more and if your ok with him being bi let him know that and if he decides to open up and discuss this with you then you will have to decide on terms of agreement and such but first you need to get him talking to you. Be nice and polite as it could very well be he don't know how to discuss this with you.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Hello, Keda. Most bisexual men that love their women would welcome the chance to involve you in their full love lives. Have you thought about getting to know the man your boyfriend sees the most of and building your own relationship with him in a way that shows your boyfriend that you want to stay with him? Of course, staying with him would mean acceptance of his bisexuality, and that's a choice you can make that can be neither right nor wrong. I wish all the best for you and your family. It might be a adventure in true love that most don't get the opportunity to take. Lots of love.

She does not need to stay with this asshole, after he just completely fucked her over, and she definitely should not get to know the "other"man. what purpose will that serve other than more heartbreak? Since you have asked for opinions and advice, I really think you should let that other man have him. Both romantically and sexually. And the only time you need to deal him is for the sake of your child. And put him on child support.

[keda804]

I tried talkin to him but he hates the subjects and gets mad, he says im disrespecting him

[Keithism]

Bisexual Virgin might just have a point.

[csrakate]

I tried talkin to him but he hates the subjects and gets mad, he says im disrespecting him

Unless you are screaming at him, I see nothing disrespectful about wanting to discuss it with him. Sounds like a diversion tactic to keep from being honest. It doesn't look like you're going to get too far with the whole total honesty route....He may very well be a self serving, selfish jerk. Get those tests, hon....You deserve to know if your health has been compromised by his dishonesty.

[sexual26]

Well then if he won't talk to you about and says your disrespecting him then you need to let him know that he has disrespected, lied, and cheated on you and that its time for you two to go your seperate ways and he needs to find him a new place to live. No matter how much you love him if he won't at least attempt to communicate then he doesn't care about you and your feelings and this will ne the best thing for you.




In all and all though seriously have some test done for your own well being.

[Keithism]

Keda,
If he's incapable of communicating with the person he shares a family with, the problem is definitely not with his sexuality, but his ability to be in a relationship.

[Gearbox]

Why is it so hard to leave him? If it's causing you so much anguish being in a relationship with him, then why stay in it?
There is no trust either side, little communication from him and no sign that the situation will ever change.
You don't have to accept that! You could end the relationship between you two and continue the dad&daughter one. Hopefully with you both maintaining a friendly relationship for the sake of your daughter.

Discuss that option with him, not as a threat, but as a healthier situation for the 3 of you.

[FinkDoodle]

I find it kind of fascinating that so many of the above posts are completely judgemental of TOTAL STRANGERS based on a paragraph or two of typed dialogue. This blatant crap of "oh throw his ass out, honey" . . where exactly does that come from? Do you know these people enough to take responsibility for the circumstances you're suggesting . . or are you just typing mindlessly based on your own issues and forgetting that the original poster is a real human being trying to deal with a real problem?

Yeah . . kick him out . . easy as hell for you to say . . you're thousands of miles away from the circumstances and have no ties to these people whatsoever. Let's consider keeping that in perspective, shall we?

[sexual26]

I find it kind of fascinating that so many of the above posts are completely judgemental of TOTAL STRANGERS based on a paragraph or two of typed dialogue. This blatant crap of "oh throw his ass out, honey" . . where exactly does that come from? Do you know these people enough to take responsibility for the circumstances you're suggesting . . or are you just typing mindlessly based on your own issues and forgetting that the original poster is a real human being trying to deal with a real problem?

Yeah . . kick him out . . easy as hell for you to say . . you're thousands of miles away from the circumstances and have nio ties to these people whatsoever. Let's consider keeping that in perspective, shall we?

Byron here is right in what he has posted here keda in that we don't know you or the whole situation and that you are a real human being with a real problem. Only you and your boyfriend know the whole deal now as you have come seeking advise. Some of us here have offered you our opinion based upon what you have told us. Now it is up to you to decide what will be the best thing for yourself and child.
U

[falcondfw]

Hello, Keda. Most bisexual men that love their women would welcome the chance to involve you in their full love lives. Have you thought about getting to know the man your boyfriend sees the most of and building your own relationship with him in a way that shows your boyfriend that you want to stay with him? Of course, staying with him would mean acceptance of his bisexuality, and that's a choice you can make that can be neither right nor wrong. I wish all the best for you and your family. It might be a adventure in true love that most don't get the opportunity to take. Lots of love.
Keithism,
Seriously? Are you completely ignoring the cheating, lying, lack of communication, and dishonesty (if all of this is true)? If this is all true, it would take a miracle to save this relationship and from what she said, the guy doesn't even care if it is saved or not. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but how can you equate this situation to her accepting his bisexuality?
Tenni,
Check the cattiness about LDD at the door. Sometimes I really don't understand why Drew puts up with you. Then sometimes, you will post some good stuff. Maybe that's why. But the constant sniping and hit and run attacks really make people not even want to read your good posts.
Keda,
Forgive the above two posts. Those people needed to be responded to on the thread where they said those things.
If your bf is not willing to change, then you have 2 choices. 1. Accept his cheating, lying, etc. and let him do what he wants. Or 2. Kick him to the curb.
Do you have family you can go to? That might be your best option. Or friends you can stay with until you are able to get on your feet by yourself? In order for there to be compromise, there has to be a willingness to change. With no willingness to change on his part, he won't. Only you can decide what is best for you to do in this situation. But whether you are able to fix the situation or not, one thing you should DEFINITELY do is get tested for HIV and all other STDs. Good luck.

[DuckiesDarling]

I've been reading this thread with interest and I got to say I think csraKate hit it on the head. You have been together a year and have a two month old baby. That tells me you only really got together because you got pregnant. The problem here isn't anyone's sexuality, it's the inability to make good life choices. The most important person in this whole situation is that little girl. You, Keda, do what you can to keep her safe and that just might mean leaving your boyfriend. If he is playing and not playing safe he runs the risk of bringing an STD home to you and some can be passed through milk to baby if you are breastfeeding. Find a safe place to go and go. Don't hang on to a relationship full of lies from the getgo just for the child. She can always known her father but it doesn't mean she has to live with him. I get the sense that both you and your partner are pretty young and that ending this now just might be the best thing. If you can't handle him being bi, that's cool, not everyone can, but not anyone that I know would stay with someone who consistently lied and cheated on them. So yeah.. in ending, follow Kate's advice and move out and move on.

[zanybrainy]

Call me jaded, but I feel as if there are some barbeque'd hinney holes here.

As in someone is blowing smoke up our arse.

Nothing trolls like better than to start something. To get the answer she wanted all she had to do was make a search in the forums. If she was smart enough to find this site I am sure she should have been smart enough to use the search function. These same conversations get repeated anytime this situation arises.

I hope I am wrong but this just feels like a troll. I have no personal knowledge of this person or their circumstances. But I have been on the web long enough to have my spider sense tingle.

Zany

[keda804]

If you dnt have advice for me about my post then dont post, last time I check aint nobody ask u what u thought was real or not

[zanybrainy]

I rest my case.

Zany

[binectar]

I've been reading this thread with interest and I got to say I think csraKate hit it on the head. You have been together a year and have a two month old baby. That tells me you only really got together because you got pregnant. The problem here isn't anyone's sexuality, it's the inability to make good life choices. The most important person in this whole situation is that little girl. You, Keda, do what you can to keep her safe and that just might mean leaving your boyfriend. If he is playing and not playing safe he runs the risk of bringing an STD home to you and some can be passed through milk to baby if you are breastfeeding. Find a safe place to go and go. Don't hang on to a relationship full of lies from the getgo just for the child. She can always known her father but it doesn't mean she has to live with him. I get the sense that both you and your partner are pretty young and that ending this now just might be the best thing. If you can't handle him being bi, that's cool, not everyone can, but not anyone that I know would stay with someone who consistently lied and cheated on them. So yeah.. in ending, follow Kate's advice and move out and move on.

I will base my response on the assumption that all of this is true. It seems a stretch to believe someone would find this particular site and post such a thing here. There's nothing to gain if it's a lie. Their identities are unknown. It is also just my opinion. Having said that:
I agree with this Duckies and Kate. I might add only this: Sex, whether passionate or recreational. is most assuredly one of the most intimate things people can share together, whether or not one thinks of it as such. But one intimacy trumps all others: the act of having a child. It is a sacred trust over which the child has no control. You must be responsible for this little creature who has no voice (yet...but don't rush it!). You are going to need to care for this childs health, happiness and education for many years. It is also incumbent upon you to teach her to think independently, hopefully with wisdom. Beyond that you should endeavor to remain healthy and happy yourself so that you will have the time and tools to pass on what wisdom you posess.
If he won't be straightforward and address it like a man then you should move on as soon as you can, for your sake and the childs.

'Nuff said.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hold yer ears Oral, I'm fixin ta preach.. Sounds like your BF wants his cake and to eat it too, Keda. If he has no intention of stopping, then he's already made up up his mind whether you have a care about it or not. How can you trust him now? If he wont talk about it without getting defenceive, then he knows he's doing wrong. And how can you trust him to take care of you and the baby if he cant communicate with you properly? If he cant be honest about cheating on you, how can you ever trust his word that he is playing safe and protected? I'm sure you love him, but love doesnt entitle you to be a doormat. Talk to him again and simply Tell him: "We have to talk about this seriously, our future depends on it"
If he gets angry, then he's already made up his mind.
Do yourself a favor, Girl. Make a good life for you and that Baby..with or without him.
My humble 2 cents.
Cat...clicking claws in anticipation.