"Open" relationship Guidelines ...

[trentino]

Well, you could say it's my own fault. We discussed it, talked about it, I emphatically stated that I didn't want to be monogamous for the rest of time. She agrees. She's curious, too. Maybe eager. We're married. I bought her the Taormino book and another recently in vogue.

I've chatted with folks, here and elsewhere, regarding the groundrules set for open relationships. How they are managed. One of the main rules I've come across from a number of sources is that openess and honesty are key and family, couple come first.

So, the wife signs up for a dating service geared towards facilitating cheating spouses and I kinda laughed it off. Typical situation where women have all the access and men are charged up to 500$ for a premium membership. Yesterday she came home at about 3pm and was basically straight, active chatting until 9pm at night !

At one point I came in and asked her what she was giggling about. She covered the chat window and told me it was a private matter. I didn't address the situation at the moment because it was late, there were tasks to complete and I didn't want to bash her mood.

I know, communication is key, but does this scenario sound familiar to anyone ?

Thanks

[Long Duck Dong]

it sounds like a broken record....... but side B.......

yes openness and honesty in a relationship is important, but this is a clear example of how openness and honesty can be something that is a dual edged sword.....

your partner is entitled to privacy and some private conversations between friends etc, honesty and openness do not automatically mean that they can not have their own private live within the relationship.......

the issue, trentino, is that you both have changed the relationship around..... and now, you both have to decide new boundaries and rules, not just about whom you want to sleep with, but what is private and what you both want to talk about and what should be talked about........ and your wife is doing nothing wrong, she is having a private conversation but it appears that it is causing issues for you, cos your wife is having private conversations.....

this is something that I have seen so many times when I was doing counselling and therapy.... a partner has a secret, it gets revealed, the relationship is changed and suddenly the other partner is seen as NOT being totally honest and open and truthful...... and my first reaction is to say to the partner, " how does it feel to have a partner that you think is hiding things from you and not being open and honest ? ".......

you are seeing the other side of life now.... thru the eyes of many partners of bisexuals, that have a feeling something is going on but they have no idea at all.......

unfortunately, I will be dead honest and blunt..... you created a situation that worked for you in regards to your sexuality, and now your partner is expressing her rights to a equal life, as she has a new *freedom * in a sense, instead of the restrictions she placed on herself...... and yes, the couple comes first, but that doesn't mean that your partner can not have a private life within the relationship too........ or that she has to tell you everything that she talks about with her friends......

the trouble with openness and honesty is that both partners are entitled to the same and equal rights..... its just that a lot of relationships can not handle a open relationship based about honesty and communication, when one or both partners do not see the need to tell their partners everything........

for all you know, she may just have new friends and is really enjoying their company and the conversations cos its a whole new world....... it may well be a lot more..... but this is the risk we take when we open up our relationships for our wants and needs, and forget that our partners may well do the same thing.....

[trentino]

Thanks Long Duck - some interesting observations there. Just to clarify, I was fully aware of her signing up with the site, and she doesn't hide her chatting with online suitors at all. It's just the content of the chat that she prefers to keep away from my eyes. She's, maybe excitedly is too strong of a term, tells me about her chat adventures. And you're right, the tectonics are shifting. I'd just presumed, I guess, that each other would come first and be considered. That any outside relationship wouldn't supercede our own. Well ... to be continued ....

[Long Duck Dong]

nods, yeah.... I generally read between the lines..... and what I was looking for was reactions, feelings and emotions in your post...as they can tell me more about the issue than what you write......

DD and I have a type of situation where I will not worry about nor ask whom she talks to and about what..... as I have the opinion that if I need to know anything, she will tell me, tho I occasionally ask if shes chatting..... but I have been the same with all my partners, I have no issues with them talking to other guys and females or what they talk about, I just wanna be kept in the loop if my partners are going to have affairs, cos it annoys me if they lie to me, cos I already know what they are up to......

as you have noticed, ya partners like a kid in a candy shop, and shes enjoying her chat adventures, ... a word of warning about that, it can often bite people in the ass and I do not mean sexually..... its too easy to get caught up in things and as you have noticed, she came straight home and on the computer....... and that is something that can affect a lot of relationships.... IE partner gets on computer for hours at a time, goes out and you know where they are and what they are doing, then they come home and rush to tell you and then their online friends about everything..... and you start to feel that your relationship has changed, you are suddenly a person she talks to offline and sleeps with etc etc and not a partner.....

the biggest danger for people is having a private life or having friends that they want to talk to privately in front of their partner......it can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, anger etc.... monogamy and open relationships face the same issues, people have to be careful that they do not start treating their partner like just another person.....

how do you fix it ? lol I could roll out the * honesty and openness, talk about the issues * speech and while that is a part of resolving the issues, its also very difficult to talk to your partner about how you feel, without making them feel like they are doing everything wrong... or that you are not handling the fact that they are enjoying their freedom ...... what i would suggest, in all honest, is make a night or two, a week, away from the computer, friends and other distractions... just you and her, nobody else and make that time about you both..... and that way, you both have the chance to share time with each other and that is often is one of the best ways to resolve issues such as you both are facing, without most of the awkwardness

[trentino]

More great insight Duck, thanks much for your input.

[Herculoid Poirot]

You've run into a situation that wasn't EXPLICITLY regulated in your earlier discussions. Take this crisis as an opportunity (or 'crisitunity' as Homer would say) to further delineate the rules of your open relationship. Do you get to know everything she is doing? Are her communications private? Add those answers to your existing ones and for god's sake, RIGHT THEM DOWN so there's no (or less) confusion later on.

[DuckiesDarling]

Trentino,

I think from reading your posts that wanted a certain type of "open" relationship, one where you were free to do as you pleased and she wasn't. In a true open relationship what is good for the goose is good for the gander. But that doesn't mean she is doing anything other than chatting, her covering the screen and saying it was private could be her honoring her word to the person she was talking to about not revealing to anyone what was said. People share a lot of stories in places like that about things they have been through and relationship stories. If someone asked me not to say anything to anyone, my first question is can I tell LDD as he and I share everything possible, if they say no, I don't tell him the guts of it only that I'm talking to someone if he asks. Same for him, if he is specifically asked not to tell he won't. Sounds like your partner follows the same rule in her life, she keeps her word. You and her need to define exactly what you expect, but you can't just say "I don't want to be monogamous anymore" and not expect her to think that frees her as well. Communication is indeed the key, but it only works if you listen to what is not said as well as to what is said. Good luck to both of you.

[void()]

My wife has friends with whom she speaks. Even some whom if they asked she would go out on dates. She does not need to discuss every detail with me. I rather prefer she did not. It is enough that we speak in generalities, if something from external relationships merit conversation between us.

[bityme]

You gave her permission to cheat. Your didn't set the boundaries for an open relationship. You need to talk with her again. You should be looking for fun together, not separating yourselves.

"Hey, Honey, let's be married for everything but sex." That's not an open relationship, that's insanity.

Tiff & Pappy

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I think right now, its a thrill for her..its very exciting to have someone interested in you altho you are matrried or partnered. Or, maybe she's setting up something for You as well.....

In the Lifestyle a couple Has to have boundries and rules that must be adhered to. This should be set up well before either partner starts playing. It helps keep the relationship strong, and safe. Open honest communication is best in Any type of relationship, and in this situation, the more the better. The more you know, the better off you'll be. ;)
Have fun, play safe always..:}
Cat

[Gearbox]

You forgot to ask for TACTFULNESS and CONSIDERATION! Not that they should NEED asking for, dear God!
An open relationship IMO doesn't mean it's ok to ignore your partner in your own home, and spend hours on-line talking to somebody else. THAT wouldn't work in any kind of relationship would it?
She could at least go and hookup with whoever she's chatting to and give you some 'me time' too.

Before it becomes a routine and threatens your relationship, tell her openly and honestly that she's being downright ignorant, or get on the PC first and see how SHE likes it.:love87:

[BIcep Babe]

I can definitely relate to this trentino, from your wife's point of view. Except I'm the one who came out to my husband at the end of last year and he gave me complete freedom to do what I want with whomever I want as long as I'm honest with him. He even found the dating sites for me to sign up on to find FWBs. He does not wish to be involved except to ensure my safety, so there really aren't any other motives on his part.. lol. Problem is, like you guys, we didn't talk about limits before. I started getting online, making friends and chatting all the time. At first, I didn't see anything wrong with it especially since he started it! I don't keep anything from him and if he wants access to my computer or phone to see my chats or emails he has full access although he hasn't asked for it. He's also encouraging me to explore my straight side and possibly get involved with a couple etc. I'm not sure that's for me, and it's all pretty confusing, but I've connected with some online friends and I have to admit it's pretty exciting. He insists he does not want the same and only wants me to explore. After 27 years of marriage with no infidelity, stuff like this wakes something up inside that's hard to shake... ANYWAY
He's been incredibly understanding about everything (however nothing besides online chats have happened with me so far) but I know he gets annoyed when I'm on my phone messaging, or on my computer in the evening chatting and not paying attention to him. I've decided I really need to set limits on when I'm on the computer/phone and stick to them. We also need to explore this whole open relationship thing a lot more. I'm thinking your wife got caught up in the excitement like me.......
I'm still trying to figure out why it's OK with him for me to explore. I've told him it's only fair if he gets to do the same thing (he's straight) but he says I'm more than he can handle. LOL But that's another post!
Hope you guys figure things out!

[Keithism]

Everybody's needs are different, certainly. If my wife and I went down that road with our marriage, I would want the goal to be to have a rich partnership in discovering life together - even if it does mean involving other people. Sometimes the general principles in a relationship are as reliable guides as the explicit rules.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Neglecting a partner either mentally, emotionally, or sexually is a horrible thing. My ex BF and I had an open relationship and did have guidelines that we set together. Only prob was his envolvement with people on his computer and the amount of time he Spent on the computer. We were in the same room and he couldnt take time away from his games or friends to talk to me. It was ok for him to have as many friends as he wanted, but was jealous of Anyone who I talked to or who called me.. Even those that I had known way before him. All he wanted was the thrill of talking sexually to other women, and it wore on our relationship badly because he was spending more time hooked on his computer than wanting to be with me. So I understand the whole neglict issue with the OP.
Hope it all works out for ya'll, Sugar.
Cat

[**Peg**]

I can definitely relate to this trentino, from your wife's point of view
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