'LOCAL' = Closeted bi male kryptonite?

[Gearbox]

Yet again I've been told that I'm 'Too Local' by another closeted bi bloke on a hookup site. (NOT ranting honest!).I just want to know WTF is it all about.:eek2:
WHY would many rather drive 20 miles out of town to have m-m sex, than go just a few?

I can understand that a closeted married bi (possibly cheating) bloke wouldn't want to bump into the bloke who 'done him up the chuff' while out shopping with his wife & kids, but is that about guilt, or self acceptance?
I'm told by gay fuckbuds that despite living in Cardiff (city swarming with cock lovers) that it's VERY hard to find LOCAL gay's&bi's to play with. They go outside their area (lucky me.lol).
So it's not just a bi thing. I hear of this 'phenomena' often, but in my experience more so with bi's.

Another regular thing is that they fear that I may recognise them if we met. It's worse if they recognise me from my pics. But WHY?:banghead: They want sex with me, but I'm a 'risk'!
I'm not out to the whole world, but dear God, if you can't be out to other bi's&gays then ....well I don't bloody know!
I'd love to have a gay/bi neighbour that we could share discreet horny times with.

So what's it all about then? Have YOU experienced this? Is it the same for f-f women too?

[bigbadmax]

Taff,

Its purely guilt....... I too would rather travel a few metres rather than fifty clicks....It could even be interpreted as "beer queer" or talk the talk but not walk the walk.

I very much doubt its you as you dont have a neon sign above yer head (do you?) sayin BISEXUAL- I RAMMED YOUR HUSBAND LAST NIGHT & HE CAME LOADS MORE THAN WIV YOU!

Not sure but have they ever thought(through guilt/paranoia) that you might dob em in? most str8s are not paranoid so why should Bi's be?

[elian]

Yeah, my guess is that they are married and the spouse doesn't know. I would think that finding someone local, who is a good match for you would be a good thing.

[Gearbox]

LOL! Max, if you saw me in Tesco's you'd think butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. I've thought about toning down my pics several notches, because I do look as if I'd lob my wanger out in public.lol
But as I've tried to convince them, I'm absolutely no threat to them in any way. What goes on outside my place is not my business. I wouldn't even approach them in public, and def not blow kisses.lol
Yes, straights don't get all paranoid when they visit a male 'friend', and as far as I know, no massive pink neon arrows appear over the roof when 2 blokes get it on.:tongue:

Elian, I'd love that. But even a local single bi bloke shit out on me. We were sexually very compatible through our chats, but he knew me, and wouldn't tell me who he was. So he blocked me.
I was paranoid when I first took to m-m sex, so I know how it feels to fear exposure. But I worked to stop that. At the very least with others who share my tastes. It's a step anyway. We could ALL do with relaxing our paranoia's and learn to trust somebody.:)

[tenni]

Based on my experience these guys are reacting out of fear more than guilt. It is fear of exposure and the basic human element of fear of rejection by those who know them. Both single and married guys may have this fear based on my experience.

What I often do in this situation and especially if they present the idea of "discretion" is to ask them what that word means to them. I tell them what it means to me. It means that what we do in my place or his sexually remains between us. If I see him in public, I ask him what he expects to happen. I expect some mild form of acknowledgement if he is with anyone.( a nod, a smile or hi as he might do with any other guy that he casually knew) Even if by himself, any discussion would not be sexual by any means in public. Most guys agree to some form of how we would react if we see each other in public or I don't go any further. (horndog state being in a milder form when making this decision) It really depends upon what they are dealing with as to how much I am willing to give. Both of us need to feel respected and understanding.

I have had a guy recently living very close to me ( about 1 km) give me this type of behaviour. We emailed more than a year ago. He described how he got into m2m with a friend. The friend then began to push the sexual part more and arrive unannounced. We lost contact due to his fear and we didn't even meet. A year later, we reconnected via the internet. He explained his situation of having a son stay over weekends and an off site girlfriend. He freaked on me recently because I sent a text. His off site girlfriend read his texts. My text was non sexual. That is his problem if he permits a girlfriend to invade his privacy. I apologized to him via email and pointed out that I didn't remember such an agreement not to text. This was difficult to understand since we had been texting recently? The decision is still out on him. I'll wait and see if we can come to an agreement that mets both our needs.

I was seeing this one very quiet guy for about three years for casual fuck bud sex. I grew more uncomfortable with what appeared to me to be rather detached behaviour. I bumped into him in a grocery store and he froze. I said hi and continued without even slowing my pace down. He didn't respond out of shock I suspect as he supposedly lived in a neighbouring city. He had agreed to a casual greeting if we ever met in public. I ended the fuck bud status in part as a final straw for this grocery store behaviour.

I met a guy who had been married for decades and had guys on the side. He split with his wife. He met a woman within four months and started dating her. I met him and chatted. He wanted the same type of non acknowledgement in public that he had established while married. I decided that was not probably for me but I gave it a bit of a try. He knew this woman not much longer than me. If he couldn't "figure" out an explanation as to who I was, it wasn't worth it for me. (of course I wasn't in major horndog state ;)

I guess that it depends on what you want and the other guy wants. Sometimes a nervous guy who may tend to run ends up being the best friend with benefits. That has also happened to me. It is like breaking in a virgin patience grasshopper Gear may work ..or not :)

[Long Duck Dong]

Yet again I've been told that I'm 'Too Local' by another closeted bi bloke on a hookup site. (NOT ranting honest!).I just want to know WTF is it all about.:eek2:
WHY would many rather drive 20 miles out of town to have m-m sex, than go just a few?

I can understand that a closeted married bi (possibly cheating) bloke wouldn't want to bump into the bloke who 'done him up the chuff' while out shopping with his wife & kids, but is that about guilt, or self acceptance?
I'm told by gay fuckbuds that despite living in Cardiff (city swarming with cock lovers) that it's VERY hard to find LOCAL gay's&bi's to play with. They go outside their area (lucky me.lol).
So it's not just a bi thing. I hear of this 'phenomena' often, but in my experience more so with bi's.

Another regular thing is that they fear that I may recognise them if we met. It's worse if they recognise me from my pics. But WHY?:banghead: They want sex with me, but I'm a 'risk'!
I'm not out to the whole world, but dear God, if you can't be out to other bi's&gays then ....well I don't bloody know!
I'd love to have a gay/bi neighbour that we could share discreet horny times with.

So what's it all about then? Have YOU experienced this? Is it the same for f-f women too?


I know a number of hetero couples in the area I live, that only do out of towners ( the next city is 100k's away ) but they like it cos its casual and the distance thing means that there is no casual occasional accidental meetings, plus the fact if its not the * right * situation, there is enuf distance between the cities to act as a type of buffer......

a lot of the older gay guys used to use the local toilets in town for sex, and while they had their own places, they wanted no * interference * in their home lives ( lol until the lgbt community had the local toilets closed down, to stop the gay cruising )

its something that I used to see a lot amongst hetero males, the *nightclub crew * they want casual sex, no strings attached, no * will you ring me later, etc, cos the males were there for a good time, not a long time.....

but the pattern that I notice that emerges amongst some of the bi / gay males in my area, is that they want to have their * normal *life, and they treat their interest in males as a *distant cousin that comes to visit * many of them travel out of town for their hook ups so that way they can return to town and their * normal * lives and leave their * evil twin * in other cities....... but its not something that I see with males that are interested in casual sex / fuck buddy / FwB lifestyles.......

I have talked with a number of people over the years in order to better understand how they think and why..... and most of it comes back to the fact that they do not want a label other than hetero and they do not want their sexual interests to be any more of a part of their lives than a fleeting, easily forgotten memory.....but its not so much about self acceptance, its more just something that they do not want to have more of a role in their lives.....

one thing that has emerged that I did find very interesting, is the way that many of the people I talked to, were concerned about the other person having more than just a fleeting interest in them, IE stalkers and freaks... and my city has its fair share of LGBT that most people avoid cos they are people that have more issues than a psych disorder guide lol.....

the reasoning and thinking for each person is different, there is no one set reason or opinion as to why each person acts and thinks the way they do..... the only thing that I can generally say about them, is that they are not really much different to people that are closeted and desire to avoid issues with exposure / being outed / coming out, as it would force a person to face and deal with aspects of life that they would perfer not to have to deal with.... for whatever reason ....

[elian]

but the pattern that I notice that emerges amongst some of the bi / gay males in my area, is that they want to have their * normal *life, and they treat their interest in males as a *distant cousin that comes to visit * many of them travel out of town for their hook ups so that way they can return to town and their * normal * lives and leave their * evil twin * in other cities....... but its not something that I see with males that are interested in casual sex / fuck buddy / FwB lifestyles.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xuugq7fito ?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol elian, I kinda wondered why it was marketed as a gay cowboy movie when the two main characters appeared to be most straight bi males with a singular attraction to each other... lol...... but I do recall that some historians reckon that a lot of cowboys in the wild west were bi /gay out on the range....... adds new meaning to the words * six shooter * lol

[Gearbox]

@LDD - Yes all very understandable reasons there, which I really don't blame anyone for having. I've met a few 'dark characters' hooking up myself, and it's no bad thing to have a good few miles between them and you.lol
Also the separation of sex life and social life is pretty strong for men in general I think, and I fully subscribe to that, so can't knock it.
BUT the overall paranoia seems so self harming. That's easy for me to say because I'm single, and I doubt anybody would give a toss if I were outed. But still, everybody needs at least one person they can be themselves with who's in their social circle IMO. It would be nice if that was worked at, and not feared so much.
We can dream.:tongue:

[Long Duck Dong]

@LDD - Yes all very understandable reasons there, which I really don't blame anyone for having. I've met a few 'dark characters' hooking up myself, and it's no bad thing to have a good few miles between them and you.lol
Also the separation of sex life and social life is pretty strong for men in general I think, and I fully subscribe to that, so can't knock it.
BUT the overall paranoia seems so self harming. That's easy for me to say because I'm single, and I doubt anybody would give a toss if I were outed. But still, everybody needs at least one person they can be themselves with who's in their social circle IMO. It would be nice if that was worked at, and not feared so much.
We can dream.:tongue:


lol I am not knocking it... I know a lot of people that have the hidden lifestyle for many different reasons... I am no different, many people see me as a retired counsellor / therapist on a invalids benefit care giving for a elderly man, but those close to me know that I am also a business man with a lot of connections and financing options, and I keep the two worlds apart, cos if they merged, I would end up in a world of business suits and meetings, cellphone calls and bank meetings etc.... and thats stuff I hate....

I keep them seperate as they are basically two different worlds for me..... and yeah DD knows bits and pieces about my *alt* lifestyle, lol....so I have the *one person * that you talk about as well....

basically I do not want the business world interfering in my * normal * life, I like to quietly watch from the shadows, have input when its needed and the rest of the time I perfer to appear as somebody that is a nobody lol.....