My boyfriend is bisexual and I don't know what to do

[Julie7777]

Dear all,

I am a straight female. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 4 years. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. A few days ago, I came across a secret e-mail account of his. It had some graphic discussions in it from 3 guys. They were talking about giving and receiving sexual acts up to but not including anal. The e-mails were over a year and a half old. I confronted him about it, and he broke down. He said that he was having feelings he didn't understand for a long time now. He said that he knew he loved me and was very much attracted to me (I can safely say I believe him there) but he was got turned on by the thoughts of oral sex with another man especially. He never went through with any of the plans he made with these other men (which is true as it's backed up by the e-mail content). I don't know what to do, but I would like to work through this. I am mad as hell over the e-mails, because of how he went behind my back not because he is bi, but with time I know I can trust him again. I would basically really appreciate some advice on how to proceed. I am willing to engage in threesomes with another man. My boyfriend would also like to have threesomes with another woman, which is another reason I am sure he is bi and not gay. I am not willing to allow him to have a sexual relationship with a man while he is with me. I want to know if I will be able to make him complete throughout his life with just the occasional threesome though? This is all very fresh for us, and I need to gather my thoughts before we speak about this again. Things are fine now between us, but the elephant in the room will have to be discussed pretty soon.
Any help, please??

Thanks in advance to anyone who will reply to this.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok for a start, you are doing the right thing, you are staying put and talking with him...... without losing the plot and beating him around the head with a cast iron frying pan......

a lot of bisexual / bi curious people can handle the occasional 3 some sex.... and yes, it can help them feel complete, tho it can be a short term fix, and they can find that they may need it on a semi regular basis, others find that they may be able to go longer and others find that they need 2 partners, same and opposite sex on a regular basis, just not always in a 3some role every second night lol

unfortunately and honestly, some bisexuals can not cope without a outlet for their sexual interests, and there is no way to say for sure if your partner is one of them...... but something you say, is not making sense,... you say that you are willing to have a 3 some with him and another male, but not willing to allow him to have a sexual relationship with another man...... so i am assuming that you are saying that you are ok with casual sex, but not him having a ongoing sexual relationship with another man...... and thats reasonable... it gives room for compromise within the relationship without restricting him or yourself.....

for a lot of bisexuals, it can be more about the sex, the sucking of another males cock than a interest in a on going relationship with another male... so again yes, its possible for you to have what you desire and what your partner desires and have a complete working relationship between just you both, with the casual sex aspect involved.....

the best thing that you can do is talk with your partner, tell him that you are open to the idea of a 3some with another guy but you want to be sure of what he wants, what you both want and what the ground rules and criteria are..... and that can open the way for him to talk with a lil more certainty about what he wants, thinks and feels...... and that way, you build a solid foundation between you both as talking about 3 somes and having one are two different things and having a 3 some can bring up feelings of insecurity, guilt, jealousy, envy etc.... and there is also the aspect that in 3somes, all partners need to either be involved or have already stated if they want to be passive or active, cos its easy for one person to be left out and that can create issues in itself......

so yes, you can be his dream come true, just by doing what you are doing now.... being supportive, openminded, compromising but also clear on your own boundaries and rules

[Herculoid Poirot]

I'm still working through how my bi desires fit into my marriage, but I can 100% recommend this book as it is very honest and helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331430296&sr=8-1

[tenni]

Hello
He may or may not be bisexual. He may be exploring a fantasy. Not all fantasies become a reality or are liked as a reality. Many bisexual men report that eventually they return to m2m sex later in life though.

His sexual interest in men is not connected to his love for you. They may be two separate situations. He may love you physically and emotionally. He may be physically sexually attracted to another man's cock and that is it. Many bisexual men have only emotional affection for women. Some bisexuals are sexually and emotionally attracted to both genders. Some of these may love both a man and a woman at the same time emotionally but that is rarer imo. It is too early in his explorations to know which he may become..if bisexual at all.

This sexual issue is about him but you also have decisions. If having sex with a man and you works for the both of you, then you have a probable solution. You will more likely fulfill his needs for a female love sexually and emotionally. Some couples are satiated by using a strap on the woman penetrating the man but he has given no indication so far that he wants to be penetrated.

Do not think in the terms of "completing" him. If he wants cock, you can not do that. Some try dildo play and it works for them but not for all bisexual men. Are you confident enough in your own self to love him to let him be sexual with a man knowing that will make him happy? Knowing and accepting that it has nothing to do with his love for you? He seems to be saying that he wants you present when he is with a man. Not all bisexual men are comfortable in that way and nor are their female partners but many are comfortable. You can only explore it openly with him to find what is the best way for both of you.

Second, how you discovered the hidden email account is relevant about you and your trust factor. Each person has personal boundaries. It is best to respect him and his own boundaries just as he should respect your boundaries. No one completes another human. We can not be all things to our lovers.

[eyeluv2look]

Hi I'm struggling with my bi curiosities but can tell you having a partner that allows me to explore my sexuallity and not be threatened truly is the onlyone I would ever want to be with. She knows she has nothing to be worried about and our sex life is fantastic. she wants me to explore it more.

[brasilcouple]

If you´re happy with him in every aspect of your relationship, there is no worries about it. If you like the idea of threesome with another man, just enjoy it. Things that you have to worry is if he respect you and treat you like you deserve, if he is a good partner and if you can count on him no matter what. Sexuality is a very complicated matter, and if he dont tell you, it´s because he fells it´s better this way. Believe me, it´s not easy tell your partner that you have desires for another man, but takes a lot of trust for him to tell you what he feels. Most of all if you really want to make good for him, instead of questioning him why, give support for him. It will help him to discover what he really wants. Don´t limit him to just oral sex, or just to handjob, let him discover waht he wants.

Enjoy the situation a bi guy can be very supportive in areas that a straight man don´t.

Luck for you

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

What is it with all of these women going thru their spouses computers lately? Is there a pre-existing trust issue that they have that causes them to do this?

Girlfriend, if the elephant is in the room then quite procrastinating and Discuss it like 2 mature adults. I suspect Why he didnt say anything to you is the same reason thousands of other men dont tell their spouces/significant others. He was afraid of the reaction that you are now having...he was afraid of how you'd act over hearing his desires. What You have to do now is decide if you are going to allow him to sate his curiousity, or dominate the relationship. This is something you guys HAVE to talk about. Talk, rationalize, discuss, without getting upset. If you love him, accept him as he is and try to understand him totally. If you dont want him to have a Bi experiance(s) then it best you get it out into the open Now before the relationship 1. Goes any further, or 2. Falls apart completely. Before this happens Talk It Out. Dont let it go unspoken.
Just my humble 2 cents
Cat
I hope ya'll get this worked out.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Oh Lordy. Hell must be freezing over again, because I have to agree with Tenni. Good Job,'Dumplin'
Cat

[lucky.cucky]

Dear Julie7777 (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?138642-Julie7777),:)

Ah yes, the luck of the Irish. In time you may find out that having a bisexual boyfriend (hopefully soon husband) will be a blessing to you both. You are a dear person not to "freak-out" upon hearing the news. Society almost expects that of many people. I congratulate you on having a cool head about it all. The other posters here have given you some good ideas, i.e. try to be open and accepting, talk it out, etc. My wife and I have been open and honest in all of our dealings and it works very well. The hurt come to other in being dishonest and deceiving them. Honesty we can all deal with! Additionally, We find that by being honest in sexual matters (we have had bf, gf, 3-somes, etc.) we find that the smaller things in life are much less of a challenge. Things like fighting over money, a common occurance with many couples, are NOT an issue with us. We love and accept each other for what and who we are. Good luck to you and your boyfriend. :flag4:
Lucky & Lily
P.S - Please tell him I said that he is a lucky man to find an accepting and understanding woman such as yourself. You are a dear person, bless you. We hope that he is smart enough to realize that and marry you soon before you get away. :bipride: Good luck to you both.

[elian]

I would say that the fact that he never went through with the other encounter may say that he cares about you a lot.

I am attracted to men mostly and still not "out" to my family and co-workers - it hurts to have to hide a part of who I am, and it makes for awkward conversation when they wonder why I haven't met "a nice girl" yet. As painful as it is NOT to tell them I am more scared of losing the respect and love of my family and having to confront the issue at work when it otherwise shouldn't impact my job performance at all.

I'm describing my experience to you in the hope that you might understand that from a very young age men are typically told that it is wrong to think about another man sexually.. Yes, I do hide who I am by choice - but hiding it's not a choice that I'm truly happy with either..it feels sort of like the "last lie" I've had to keep..otherwise I try to be a fairly honest person.

[Noboundaries]

Julie 7777, it takes a long time for anyone stepping beyond culturally accepted heterosexual sex to come to grips with their inner desires. Heck, according to some religions, you are going to hell for the mere act of masturbating. Others condemn you to death for merely acting feminine as a guy or masculine as a woman! LGBT individuals are a long way from being accepted universally as recent news about religion and politics continue to demonstrate.

Julie 7777, your boyfriend has struggled with his sexual desires. Trust me, he has struggled with not telling you, felt guilty for not doing so, and loves you so much being rejected by you was his greatest fear. Why? Because you have an image of who he is in your mind as a man and he has a pretty good idea of that image model. His bisexual exploration doesn't fit that model and he had no idea how you'd react to what he was exploring.

When ten years into my marriage to my soulmate I was ready to tell my wife of my bisexual experiences as a teen and my desire to experience it again, I knew that desire was so far removed from her image of me that I thought divorce was a real possibility. I hated that I had a secret. I loved her too much to keep the secret and was willing to accept any consequence from the revelation. I actually had to go to counseling just to find the courage to tell her. When I did, I was shaking I was so scared, and trust me I've faced death in ways that would make people scat themselves with fear. She wanted to know more. She wanted details. She masturbated to about ten orgasms while she listened to me relive the past. Divorce flew out the window as her unconditional acceptance of me and my desires brought her pleasure I never imagined. We've only grown together wonderfully from that day.

Your boyfriend was still in the struggle until you found his secret e-mail account and discovered his exploratory efforts. Until that moment the image you both had of him was intact. KABOOM! That's all over. Whether premature or perfect timing, the secret is revealed. All that is left at this point is acceptance or rejection. The choice is yours whether to proceed in a healthy manner from here or not.

You've both learned that communication is key. Both of you should share your deepest desires with each other without fear of judgement or rejection. Then discuss your feelings about things. Don't take this outside the bedroom to your friends and family. This is between the two of you. It can bond you in ways so beautiful you'll be amazed at the new levels of love you feel for each other.

Talk. Listen. Understand. Accept. You'll both learn more about each other than you ever expected possible. And that image model you both have of each other will grow into a oneness that can become inseparable. Enjoy the journey of possibilities together.

[Alloiledup]

My personal belief is a person cannot change another person. The person himself i.e. your bf needs to make a change if he stops having feelings for men and doesn't want to play with men anymore. The truth of the matter is that the feelings of needing to be with a man will not go away. He can suppress it with your demand but the feeling won't go away, because being with a man is a pleasurable feeling your bf won't get from a woman. As a woman, you can't compete with another man. You can compete with another woman if there is another woman in his life but you can't compete with another man because you simply don't have a dick, not a real one anyway but at best a dildo. So, you have 2 choices. One, like Dr. Ruth often quoted from the lyrics of a song, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair, and send him on his way....". Or the alternative is like the lyrics of a song by Sting in the Police group, "If you love someone, if you love someone, set them free...free free... set them free...". Your bf loves men and loves women. If you suppress him, he would not feel complete as a person. If you feel uncomfortable and afraid he will leave you and turn gay, and being together isn't meaningful and make you happy anymore, it's time to let go and move on with your life. However, if you 2 are happy together and you rather live with him and his ideal than live without him, then you must come to terms with his feeling inside that he loves you very much, he hid behind your back only to not hurt your feelings, and that he could suppress his feelings because he loves you and doesn't want to upset you anymore but on the other hand, he wouldn't feel complete. I personally believe that partnership between 2 people is not 50/50. It's 100/100. You give it your all and he gives it his all. So, you either fully accept who he is or it's time to say goodbye. Don't go with occasional 3somes to satisfy his urge once in a blue moon and that's it. Either accept him, or drop him. Don't sit on the fence so to speak and do a 1/2 way job. However, set the rules, and the first rule of course is SAFER sex. Use condom if anal sex is involved. Oral sex is generally pretty safe. Get to know his male partner and hang out with him as friends, check him out, go to dinner and movies with them all 3 of you together. Maybe his male partner may also have a gf and you end up not 3some but 4some. If not, your bf should have the choice to participate in a 3some with you or see his male partner alone. Speak openly to him about this. Lay it all on the line. It can hurt if you decide to break up, or it can become very fruitful when acceptance is a feasible option for you. You will reach a conclusion in your heart what is the best outcome for both of you, break up or fully accept. Sitting 1/2 way on the fence is not healthy for neither of you. Trust your heart. It does hurt if you end up breaking up but you need to cut your losses without doubts and mistrust to continue in the relationship. If the relationship continues, you must fully accept who he is and don't expect to change him. He had hid from you in the past maybe because he truly loves you and he just didn't want to hurt you as he was struggling with his feelings inside. So, in conclusion, don't go 1/2 way, full acceptance or no acceptance. Set him free could mean setting yourself free too because your relationship will become stronger, or if your heart tells you it's time to move on and let go, then drop him. Should it have been another woman and not a man, then it's a different story and a different dilemma.

[Michigan_cpl]

I as a bi man know how you feel about your man. there is northing wrong with the feelings that you have. that is compleatly understandable. i came out to my wife about me being a bisexual, yes she was very up set about it, but after talking to her about it and being honest with her she and i now get along alot better.

hope that this has helped you some what.

[Gearbox]

I think most men, if not all, have a curiosity with other men's cocks. We're all fascinated with them, whether you want to suck them, or just look at them. Just talking openly about each others liking of cocks can be a thrill, as your bf surely discovered with those e-mails. That may have been enough for him. For that time anyway.
What you may find is that by giving him the go-ahead to explore that curiosity in the flesh, he'll back off. Get scared of himself etc. Then one day he'll be all for it.

Don't be hurt that he didn't confide in you! He can't express to you what he doesn't fully understand himself. He sought out like-minded men for that, IMO to see if he was 'normal'.
He's VERY lucky to have you, and I hope he appreciates that. Just give him time, and carry on as you are.:)

[*pan*]

well, everyone is different, no two alike, you two are talking and that is great, you both love each other that is also great, don't let the sneaking behind your back keep comming up, this will stop when the trust is there, and i believe by your willingness to talk about it you have setup the trust. when a person gets these feelings especially a straight person and being involved with another straight person, has feelings for same sex, the situation can be scary, confusing and lonely. they are thrown into a situation that can if not careful can run a muck. you are handleing it right. talk and understanding are the key. he may just be curious and was scared to death that you would find out. we can't help what we are in our sexuality. but are often put down and disrespected because of it. you two have something some don't have and that is genuine love and care for each other. as for him being alone with another man that's up to the both of you, something to be agreed upon, when my wife found out i was bisexual she said she didn't mind me being with men because it was something she could not do for me but did not want me with other woman, this strengthened my feelings and love for her. so it is up to you and how you feel, i believe if two people are in love they will want to see each other have what they desire as long as it dosent hurt the other. in the end what really matters is that you and him are still together in love with understanding and in peace with in your lives.

[welickit]

Simply coming across a secret email account? I suspect you have no idea at all everything he is thinking.

[cumplay]

First and foremost, if you're a snooper, you need to stop. Have a question, just ask. That being said, I have known this woman for about 10 years. Been dating her on and off for most of it. We do think we're soul mates. However, about 6 months ago she told me that her g/f (she's straight) gave her a bi sexual DVD to watch. I asked her how she felt about that and her reply was that two guys sucking each other sort of turned her on. She then asked if I ever thought about it with another guy. Not knowing how to reply without loosing her, I answered with a question. I asked her how she would feel if she knew I was bi. Her reply was that it would be soo hot to watch me suck another guys cock. Well, we're still dating, still talk every day and still discuss being with another guy (many orgasms came from it). We haven't done it yet (with another guy) but we're trying to set something up. Bottom line here, you two are still talking so keep an open mind and take it one day at a time. any questions, just ask. Good Luck

[void()]

What is it with all of these women going thru their spouses computers lately? Is there a pre-existing trust issue that they have that causes them to do this?

It's my fault. I'm so damn sexy and admitted to being bi. Now, all these wives are purely terrified. They should lock up
their men. Guess that makes me a terrorist. Drat, and I was doing so well just robbing banks and opening brothels. ;)

[DuckiesDarling]

I think most men, if not all, have a curiosity with other men's cocks. We're all fascinated with them, whether you want to suck them, or just look at them. Just talking openly about each others liking of cocks can be a thrill, as your bf surely discovered with those e-mails. That may have been enough for him. For that time anyway.
What you may find is that by giving him the go-ahead to explore that curiosity in the flesh, he'll back off. Get scared of himself etc. Then one day he'll be all for it.

Don't be hurt that he didn't confide in you! He can't express to you what he doesn't fully understand himself. He sought out like-minded men for that, IMO to see if he was 'normal'.
He's VERY lucky to have you, and I hope he appreciates that. Just give him time, and carry on as you are.:)

This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I have seen given on this site. Julie, there are a lot of things that can go through your brain when you find out your partner is bisexual, you are doing the right thing by talking with him and allowing him to talk to you. The fact you are open to exploring things with him will make it easier all the way around but I will caution you that none of us knows what we will actually do when the situation unfolds. Just keep your open mind and your communication going strong and I think you and your partner will be fine.

[AlaskanGirl]

Julie, i cant tell ya anything from a male stand point, but i will put this out there. I'm a bisexual woman, married to a straight man. I am also monogamous to my husband. i have not "Been with" a woman since we have gotten together. Nor do i think i could. Here is the thing, yes he betrayed your trust by not telling you. But i agree with the people in the previous posts. Things are crazy right now because you are upset and he is worried you are going to leave him over this. this is on of your many (hopefully future) ups and downs. Unlike most i was open about my relationships with women, and most of the men i had been with before didn't know how to handle that. they were worried i would leave them for a woman, or never be attracted to them completely. i come from a long line of gays and bisexuals. Personally if you two talk this out, and work out boundaries and STICK to the boundaries i don't see why you cant have a your-normal relationship. Relationships need work, and huni you just hit a rough patch is all. Besides he didn't do anything with them right? he was obviously still thinking of you.

[Julie7777]

Hi all,

I just want to say a big thank you to all who responded to this thread and I found most answers were really useful and helpful. My boyfriend and I have since worked everything out and we are stronger than ever and having a lot more fun too! Just to clarify to a couple of people though who accused me of being a snoop, I genuinely wasn't; I could bore you with the long story but I won't, I just want to say that it was a complete accident coming across those emails.

Thanks again!

[goldenfinger]

I would like to add, do some more research on the net, and you will find that it is far more common then you think, and it goes for both male and female.If you are both young, don't let it drake on for another 30 years, get it sorted out now. Human sexuality is very complex and ever changing, always has and always will be, once you truly understand that, life will be a lot easier, sure you will come up against people who see it differently, but that it life. So far, you seem to be on the right track.

[biguy1940]

bottom line...it's only sex, which in my 71 years of experience makes up about 3% of a relationship (after the honeymoon period..lol) so i,n the long run it really doesnt matter unless he decides to have an ongoing affair, then a serious discussion in order...if the rest of your relationship is in good shape let him work out his fantasy...i think your idea of a mfm is a great way to go...he might find that the actuality of taking a cock in his mouth or ass is quite different than the fantasy and he may not want to continue down that road...if he does wish to continue at least you can share with him...good luck and don't take it all so seriously

[Blue-Dragon69]

as for me reading all of theses posts an given any one should treat his or her bf gf wife hubby with the same respect you would like to be treated an please dont fight talk things out an as far as any one else concern its your life not you parents or family or friends or work as far as that go's if we tell any one to every one what we did they could care less if we hide it from them they kill just to find out but we are only human an sould be treated as that an not like a outcast for being the way we are or like to be hope things get better for every one that makes a life change love to all an peace to all .