glantern954
Jun 10, 2006, 9:50 AM
A friend of mine volunteered me to speak with them at a national conference for Florida Social Workers. It was a group of about 25 people in the audience. I was nervous because not only have I never done anything like that before, but I have been busy lately and waited until the night before to prepare what I wanted to say. I quickly read it a couple times at home and was satisfied with it.
At the presentation my friend gave a great introduction about bisexual stereotypes, Kinsey, and Klein. Then the 4 of us did our introductions and then our presentations.
I wasn't expecing it, but during my presentation I got caught up in my emotions when reading the paragraph about how my wife reacted to my sexuality when I came out to her. Tears ran down my face, then down hers. This in turn made me more emotional about other parts of the presentation.
We hadn't originally planned for my wife to speak, but she had read my presentation 45 minutes before show time and was a little embarrassed by my description of her reaction. (Though I do believe her reaction was valid). After my presentation I asked her if she had anything to add and she told her story of a previous negative bisexual experience.
The response we got from the group at the end of my presentation and the entire event was phenomenal. Today I feel really good about something I was petrified to do.
Below I am sharing the presentation with you because I have been asked to do so by a couple people here and at other places. I did add some additional detail in places during delivery, escpecially the introduction, that is not included here. Also keep in mind that it was probably more the delivery that made the connection with people in the room than the actual words on paper.
_____________
My name is Mike and I'm a happily married bisexual with no children. I am 38 years old and currently work as a Network Administrator for MJ.
I am out to my wife, my entire family, all of my close friends and a few co-workers. The most rewarding and important thing in my life is my relationship with my wife. I’m not a cheater. I don’t have an open marriage and I don’t consider myself a swinger.
From my personal experiences, if I tell someone I am bisexual I am usually assumed to be a swinger or cheating on my wife if they are straight. If that person is gay I am regularly told right to my face that it is just a phase. Sometimes it is said jokingly other times it is not, either way hurts. With all these assumptions, no wonder so many bisexuals stay closeted, even from their spouses.
Coming out to my wife was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. At that point in my life and our new marriage, I had no desire to act on my bisexuality. It was just something I had finally accepted about myself and thought she should know. I was terrified that she would not understand and leave.
Her first reaction was complete shock, then hysteria, followed by lots of questions and lots of alcohol. The next 24 hours of my life were miserable. As she lay in bed weeping <PAUSE> and getting drunk <PAUSE> and vomiting <PAUSE> I felt guilty for making her feel this way. Thirteen years later and I still sometimes feel guilty for making her insecure about our relationship.
The next day, we spoke some more and she had come to the conclusion that I was still the same guy that she had fell in love with. The only difference was that she now knew me more than anyone else in my life ever had. We have been through a lot together in the 13 years since then. She is here today supporting me and will be available for questions during our Q&A section.
Some of you may be asking yourself, well what made you realize and accept your bisexuality? Well, I had always had occasional same sex fantasies about really fit or exceptional looking guys, but I always just thought it was something that most guys probably experienced. It wasn't until I developed an online crush on another guy that I sat back and really thought that there might be more to my attractions to men than I was letting myself believe.
Now comes the part I’m sure you are all just waiting to hear. The juicy stuff. Yes, I said earlier that I don’t consider myself a swinger, but over the years, at the encouragement of my sweet little heterosexual wife we have had a small handful of experiments. Dirty DIRTY experiments. All in the name of science of course.
We tried to see if my sexuality was something we could incorporate into our relationship. I don’t mean just sex. I mean someone that we both cared about, possibly even loved. A Triad. This Monday, a TV documentary movie on this scenario called Three of Hearts is being shown.
As perfect as this scenario might seem to a bisexual, the couple times we tried to go down this path it only seemed to result in one of us feeling insecure or jealous. As I mentioned earlier, I would rather not act on my bisexuality than risk destroying the most important thing in my life. Is it healthy? I don’t know.
I do know that neither of us is open to the idea of going to swing clubs and getting sexually involved with strangers for a night of empty sexual fun. This might be a more viable option for us if I was more sexually driven or more interested in anal-sex but I am personally just not wired this way. It also turns out that many other bisexual and gay men are also not interested in anal sex.
Although I have a strong preference for vaginal intercourse and seem to bond emotionally more with women, I identify as Bisexual because of my awareness of my physical attraction to some men and the potential to also love them.
I don’t have very many close friends, especially straight male friends and I think part of me desires a masculine bond in my life. But my fear of either becoming attracted to them or them thinking I have a sexual interest in them, or my wife being threatened by that relationship prevents me from even trying.
One of the reasons I volunteered for today’s presentation was to have a chance to share an experience that could help other bisexuals.
A little over three years ago my wife and I decided to go to Gay Day’s in Orlando with my best friend and his boyfriend. Rosina and I went up a few days before the gay events and relaxed at a Disney Resort with all the families. As we relaxed by the pool, I watched the parents and kids playing in the pool and I felt like I didn’t belong.
A couple days later our friends arrived and we transferred to the gay host hotel and went to a couple events and again I felt like I didn’t belong, I felt judged for holding hands with my wife, and there was no obvious sign of any other out bisexual men. I felt like I was the only one in the world.
The night before we were leaving, we were in the lobby on our way out to dinner and my best friend’s boyfriend made a comment along the lines of “bi today gay tomorrow”. My heart sank even lower. When he went upstairs to grab the keys that he had forgotten, I asked my best friend as to how I could possibly be friends with a guy who doesn’t believe I exist.
I do acknowledge that some people do stop at “bi town” on the way to “gay city”. Being gay these days is as much a cultural thing as it is an orientation and I know there are people that identify as gay that have bisexual feelings, but don’t admit them so they can fit in. My “gay” best friend admits to being attracted to some women and desiring sex with women but because he largely prefers men he uses the gay label. I prefer women, but to call myself straight, to me would be a lie.
I arrived home from that trip feeling alone and betrayed. I was also insulted that he would say something like that in front of my wife. How is that supposed to make her feel? Ultimately the lack of bisexual representation at that event caused me to start looking for the bisexual community. I needed to talk to people who understood how I felt and could relate to the things I said.
The best resource I found was a bisexual support and social group at the Ft. Lauderdale GLCC. After a couple meetings I no longer felt alone and Rosina also started coming with me. To this day it is one of the few places I can talk about my sexuality and not feel like I am being judged or questioned.
I still attend this meeting regularly today, not so much because I need to but because I can help others like me know that they are not alone either. I also sometimes fill-in as moderator and have organized things like going out for drinks after each meeting and planning the occasional night out at a club. It is because of this group that I befriended Crystal and how she got me here to speak with you today.
Over the last three years I have seen well over 100 bisexual people come to meetings at the GLCC. One of the biggest things I have learned through that group is that just like any other group of people. We are a very diverse group. Some closely resemble the bisexual stereotype, others couldn’t be further.
It isn’t exactly the bi community I was hoping to find but it’s a start and I feel good about what I have found. Being the only bisexual male willing to come and talk about myself here today is a big disappointment for me. But I do understand how scary public speaking is for people. Especially when speaking about very personal things and giving people a chance to assume things about you.
Things seem to be getting better though. Men in general seem to be becoming more comfortable with showing affection for other men. These days fathers kiss on their sons and straight male friends hug in public. How often did you see these things 10 years ago? I am hopeful that as same-sex relationships become more accepted by our culture more bisexuals will feel comfortable enough to not be ashamed to admit their same sex attractions or feelings and come out too.
At the presentation my friend gave a great introduction about bisexual stereotypes, Kinsey, and Klein. Then the 4 of us did our introductions and then our presentations.
I wasn't expecing it, but during my presentation I got caught up in my emotions when reading the paragraph about how my wife reacted to my sexuality when I came out to her. Tears ran down my face, then down hers. This in turn made me more emotional about other parts of the presentation.
We hadn't originally planned for my wife to speak, but she had read my presentation 45 minutes before show time and was a little embarrassed by my description of her reaction. (Though I do believe her reaction was valid). After my presentation I asked her if she had anything to add and she told her story of a previous negative bisexual experience.
The response we got from the group at the end of my presentation and the entire event was phenomenal. Today I feel really good about something I was petrified to do.
Below I am sharing the presentation with you because I have been asked to do so by a couple people here and at other places. I did add some additional detail in places during delivery, escpecially the introduction, that is not included here. Also keep in mind that it was probably more the delivery that made the connection with people in the room than the actual words on paper.
_____________
My name is Mike and I'm a happily married bisexual with no children. I am 38 years old and currently work as a Network Administrator for MJ.
I am out to my wife, my entire family, all of my close friends and a few co-workers. The most rewarding and important thing in my life is my relationship with my wife. I’m not a cheater. I don’t have an open marriage and I don’t consider myself a swinger.
From my personal experiences, if I tell someone I am bisexual I am usually assumed to be a swinger or cheating on my wife if they are straight. If that person is gay I am regularly told right to my face that it is just a phase. Sometimes it is said jokingly other times it is not, either way hurts. With all these assumptions, no wonder so many bisexuals stay closeted, even from their spouses.
Coming out to my wife was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. At that point in my life and our new marriage, I had no desire to act on my bisexuality. It was just something I had finally accepted about myself and thought she should know. I was terrified that she would not understand and leave.
Her first reaction was complete shock, then hysteria, followed by lots of questions and lots of alcohol. The next 24 hours of my life were miserable. As she lay in bed weeping <PAUSE> and getting drunk <PAUSE> and vomiting <PAUSE> I felt guilty for making her feel this way. Thirteen years later and I still sometimes feel guilty for making her insecure about our relationship.
The next day, we spoke some more and she had come to the conclusion that I was still the same guy that she had fell in love with. The only difference was that she now knew me more than anyone else in my life ever had. We have been through a lot together in the 13 years since then. She is here today supporting me and will be available for questions during our Q&A section.
Some of you may be asking yourself, well what made you realize and accept your bisexuality? Well, I had always had occasional same sex fantasies about really fit or exceptional looking guys, but I always just thought it was something that most guys probably experienced. It wasn't until I developed an online crush on another guy that I sat back and really thought that there might be more to my attractions to men than I was letting myself believe.
Now comes the part I’m sure you are all just waiting to hear. The juicy stuff. Yes, I said earlier that I don’t consider myself a swinger, but over the years, at the encouragement of my sweet little heterosexual wife we have had a small handful of experiments. Dirty DIRTY experiments. All in the name of science of course.
We tried to see if my sexuality was something we could incorporate into our relationship. I don’t mean just sex. I mean someone that we both cared about, possibly even loved. A Triad. This Monday, a TV documentary movie on this scenario called Three of Hearts is being shown.
As perfect as this scenario might seem to a bisexual, the couple times we tried to go down this path it only seemed to result in one of us feeling insecure or jealous. As I mentioned earlier, I would rather not act on my bisexuality than risk destroying the most important thing in my life. Is it healthy? I don’t know.
I do know that neither of us is open to the idea of going to swing clubs and getting sexually involved with strangers for a night of empty sexual fun. This might be a more viable option for us if I was more sexually driven or more interested in anal-sex but I am personally just not wired this way. It also turns out that many other bisexual and gay men are also not interested in anal sex.
Although I have a strong preference for vaginal intercourse and seem to bond emotionally more with women, I identify as Bisexual because of my awareness of my physical attraction to some men and the potential to also love them.
I don’t have very many close friends, especially straight male friends and I think part of me desires a masculine bond in my life. But my fear of either becoming attracted to them or them thinking I have a sexual interest in them, or my wife being threatened by that relationship prevents me from even trying.
One of the reasons I volunteered for today’s presentation was to have a chance to share an experience that could help other bisexuals.
A little over three years ago my wife and I decided to go to Gay Day’s in Orlando with my best friend and his boyfriend. Rosina and I went up a few days before the gay events and relaxed at a Disney Resort with all the families. As we relaxed by the pool, I watched the parents and kids playing in the pool and I felt like I didn’t belong.
A couple days later our friends arrived and we transferred to the gay host hotel and went to a couple events and again I felt like I didn’t belong, I felt judged for holding hands with my wife, and there was no obvious sign of any other out bisexual men. I felt like I was the only one in the world.
The night before we were leaving, we were in the lobby on our way out to dinner and my best friend’s boyfriend made a comment along the lines of “bi today gay tomorrow”. My heart sank even lower. When he went upstairs to grab the keys that he had forgotten, I asked my best friend as to how I could possibly be friends with a guy who doesn’t believe I exist.
I do acknowledge that some people do stop at “bi town” on the way to “gay city”. Being gay these days is as much a cultural thing as it is an orientation and I know there are people that identify as gay that have bisexual feelings, but don’t admit them so they can fit in. My “gay” best friend admits to being attracted to some women and desiring sex with women but because he largely prefers men he uses the gay label. I prefer women, but to call myself straight, to me would be a lie.
I arrived home from that trip feeling alone and betrayed. I was also insulted that he would say something like that in front of my wife. How is that supposed to make her feel? Ultimately the lack of bisexual representation at that event caused me to start looking for the bisexual community. I needed to talk to people who understood how I felt and could relate to the things I said.
The best resource I found was a bisexual support and social group at the Ft. Lauderdale GLCC. After a couple meetings I no longer felt alone and Rosina also started coming with me. To this day it is one of the few places I can talk about my sexuality and not feel like I am being judged or questioned.
I still attend this meeting regularly today, not so much because I need to but because I can help others like me know that they are not alone either. I also sometimes fill-in as moderator and have organized things like going out for drinks after each meeting and planning the occasional night out at a club. It is because of this group that I befriended Crystal and how she got me here to speak with you today.
Over the last three years I have seen well over 100 bisexual people come to meetings at the GLCC. One of the biggest things I have learned through that group is that just like any other group of people. We are a very diverse group. Some closely resemble the bisexual stereotype, others couldn’t be further.
It isn’t exactly the bi community I was hoping to find but it’s a start and I feel good about what I have found. Being the only bisexual male willing to come and talk about myself here today is a big disappointment for me. But I do understand how scary public speaking is for people. Especially when speaking about very personal things and giving people a chance to assume things about you.
Things seem to be getting better though. Men in general seem to be becoming more comfortable with showing affection for other men. These days fathers kiss on their sons and straight male friends hug in public. How often did you see these things 10 years ago? I am hopeful that as same-sex relationships become more accepted by our culture more bisexuals will feel comfortable enough to not be ashamed to admit their same sex attractions or feelings and come out too.