Start out Advice for a former exclusively gay male

[Danloth]

Hi I'm Dan, I'm a 34 year old male from London. I've lived an exclusively gay life, but have recently come out as bi (just to my husband and closest friends). My problem is that I'm a bit of loner who has almost never gone out on the straight scene, and has never approached women in a sexual capacity. My husband is completely supportive of me exploring this, but he is not interested in getting involved. As you can imagine this raises some problems for me, not least of which is the sex part. I want to know how other guys similar to me dealt with starting a bi lifestyle and know what advice they give. All the information I seem to find is about guys moving from a straight lifestyle to a bi one, but I probably just need to be pointed in the right direction. Frankly anyone's advice would be appreciated, I'm feeling pretty daunted and desperate and could do with the support.
thanks for reading, Dan

[axlton]

Unless you can find a woman at the bar who's drunk and just looking for a one night stand than hooking up with a woman is a very different experience than hooking up with a guy. I don't know about exclusively gay guys, but with bi guys hooking up, things tend to be more about sex first, as in "Do you like what you see, are you ddf, ok let's do this." Women are going to want to get to know you first, maybe hang out for a couple of weeks to a month, then start talking about sex. While there are women who will do it faster, maybe only after a couple of days you generally don't want those unless you're just interested in sex.

Also, if you've been exclusively gay, you may find additional difficulty depending on how you act. If you're flamboyant and obviously gay acting women are not gonna want to be with you for the most part. You may not think of yourself as acting that way, but I've tried hooking up with more than a few gay guys who think of themselves as straight acting, but are in reality nowhere near it. While some bi guys may be ok with it, it is a turn off for me when a guy is very obviously gay, and you're going to find that it's the same with women. The thought of sex will probably never cross her mind if she suspects you're gay.

While it may be difficult for you to get with a woman, it is far from impossible. If you don't succeed right of the bat just keep trying and you'll eventually get it right. Best of luck to you.

[tenni]

Hi Dan
I wonder what are you looking for?

Are you looking to explore sex with a woman or develop a relationship?

If you are looking to explore sex with a woman and no emotion, you may want to find an escort that will understand your position and possible nervousness. If you are looking to find a woman to be a friend with benefits that may be a little more difficult but not as difficult as developing a "relationship" with a woman. Dating sites may help if you are looking at exploring "dating" a woman. There is a rumour that there are women out there who would love to seduce you to turn you "straight" ;) (partially kid'n)

[Herculoid Poirot]

The fact that your hubby supports you and that you yourself are reaching out for support are both good signs, IMHO. I've been switchhitting my whole life so I don't share your experience but I agree with others when they say that time and patience are both great tools!

This book is being very helpful for me in negotiating open marriages:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331229769&sr=8-1

This may sound dumb, but in my experience one of the best ways to overcome nervousness in a romantic situation is a small quantity of alcohol. It takes away the nervousness and increases your sex drive and your sense of daring! Of course take too much and you will be a no-show down below...

As others have said, it's definitely different with a woman. In my experience they need to feel that they really like you before they will have sex with you, whereas for a guy having sex with a person can make you really like them! Go figure.

And here's some excellent advice a woman once gave me (paraphrased but you'll get the point): many men think that the first thing they've got to do with a women is go for the clitoris, both to please them and to show them that they are willing, but, for many women, they don't want that much attention down there right off the start.

[Gearbox]

At the risk of being incredibly stereotype-ist: don't you have a 'fag hag' hanging around who secretly wants you?
Sorry about that! Don't know how else to put it. But if you don't, why not try a MMF 3some where you get to play 2nd fiddle and explore a woman at your own pace?

@Axlton- I've fuc....met gays who'd make John Wayne look like a pissy knickered schoolgirl. (as I've mentioned before.lol).
Where are you getting your meat from, lovely man?:bigrin:

[axlton]

@Gearbox:
Oh, I'm not saying all gays are you're stereotypical, limp wristed types, not by a long shot and I'm not saying Danloth is necessarily that way either. However, It's just been my experience that a lot of the gay guys who think of themselves as straight acting are far from. My wife's friends (I don't want to name names so I'll just call them C & R) a good example R is rough gruff and someone I'd probably not want to fuck with in a fight unless I had to, while C his other half is just the opposite.

Now, I'm not a drinker so the bar situation isn't happening for me, and I'm personally not attracted to the kind of guys who are obviously gay or effeminate acting which makes it hard to spot guys who might me interested in some m/m sex out in public. Most of my hook-ups are with guys I've met online. I've chatted with several who have described themselves as very straight acting, and when I went to meet them found that they were anything but. It's not my kind of thing and I generally just walk away from those situations. While on the other hand there, have been gay guys that were very masculine acting that I have slept with.

All I'm getting at is just because a guy thinks of himself as straight acting doesn't necessarily mean he is, and a guy that acts in a manner that obviously marks him as gay is going to have a harder time with the ladies.

[Gearbox]

Well your right there, I think. Not sure what women want theses days, with all this 'new age man' stuff going on.lol

[Danloth]

I'm more looking for friend with benefits rather than an emotional relationship or one night stand either. Yes a friend has suggested seeing an escort, I am a little intimidated by that, but it is an option on the cards. lol, no I don't think I'm flamboyant either, but as you say I could be wrong lol. No I don't have a fag hag friend, all my female friends are in relationships too. So would using a dating site be the best way to go then? cant say I like using them 100%, I just think I come across better in real life. I'm going to be going out to a bi meet-up social next week, I'll to get to chat to people, I just don't want to use that as a forum to start coming on to people. the idea of hitting straight bars is terrifying though, even with some drink in me, I just think that once a girl scratches the surface she's not going to want to deal with my situation. so dating sites it is for now, is asking for a friends with benefits relationship a good idea? thanks for the responses, its appreciated.

[**Peg**]

Well your right there, I think. Not sure what women want theses days, with all this 'new age man' stuff going on.lol


it's not new... it was there in the 60's and 70's and so was I hehe... eyes wide open, enjoying all the men with men. There is nothing new under the sun son. LOL

[LeeNorCal]

@Danloth, I would suggest trying Craigslist's Personals/strictly platonic/m4w. Just describe what you're looking for honestly, and you will be surprised how many responses you get. From those who respond, you should be able to make friends with one or two or more, and take it from there. I know several women in my area who would like to meet someone in your situation (btw, they hate the term "fag-hag.")

[axlton]

it's not new... it was there in the 60's and 70's and so was I hehe... eyes wide open, enjoying all the men with men. There is nothing new under the sun son. LOL


You're definitely right... Nothing new under the sun. Every time I see a post that starts with "Am I the only one that likes to XYZ sick shit" or "Am I the first to ABC weird shit" I want to say... No you're not the only one. No you are not a unique butterfly. People have been doing it since the beginning of time. :tongue:

Anyway on to Danlith. If you're looking for a friends with benefits situation you might check the personal ads on this site right here, depending on how big the pool of women from your area is you may have some luck. You might also try craigslist personals, just stay away from the casual encounters section if you're looking for women, you'll get nothing but spam. Just be honest, explain your exact situation and you'll probably get at least a few honest hits on your ad. Anytime you're looking for a woman on CL you're going to get a lot of spam, so there will be a lot of sifting and filtering to weed out the spam from the honest hits. However, if you stick with it for a bit you should eventually find someone there.

[axlton]

@Danloth, I would suggest trying Craigslist's Personals/strictly platonic/m4w. Just describe what you're looking for honestly, and you will be surprised how many responses you get. From those who respond, you should be able to make friends with one or two or more, and take it from there. I know several women in my area who would like to meet someone in your situation (btw, they hate the term "fag-hag.")

LOL, you beat me to the punch on the CL personals bit by a couple of minutes... We must have been composing our messages at the same time though. ;)

[LeeNorCal]

LOL, you beat me to the punch on the CL personals bit by a couple of minutes... We must have been composing our messages at the same time though. ;)
Great minds think alike??:bigrin:

[bluesky55]

So you say that all your female friends are in relationships.. If they know you're gay then why not ask them if they know someone. Never know, they might just know someone looking for a guy to do or maybe there's a lesbian couple you know that hasn't said anything but may also have a bicurious nature with one of them or with a friend. Network beyond the web amongst who/what you know.

[Danloth]

OK thanks for all the support, wish me luck!:)

[jem22]

Hi Dan,
It might take awhile to find someone suitable but maybe since you are now looking, you'll start being aware of cues that support your search and get you going in the right direction. I think women need to be approached in such a different manner, as it's already been said....If it weren't for distance, I for one, would take you out. You're very nice looking and come across as reasonable. Good luck to you.

I appreciated your thread, also, because it only recently occurred to me to actively look up bi guys because I've always been so turned on by the thought but never deliberately persued someone of this persuasion. It's not a deal breaker if they don't like men, but I'm very curious.

[Danloth]

Thanks for the appreciation Jem, next time I'm in California...:)

[Realist]

I've known of people who were intrigued by the idea of "switching" a person from gay-to-bi-to-maybe-straight. Of course, your willingness to become more versatile, should help progress.

Your ability to communicate and be honest would be a huge asset. You seem to be articulate and I think you could find someone interested in writing and getting to know you, before meeting in person.

Others' advice to check ads and relationship sites may be a good choice. Just be careful to not leap before you look!

But, believe me, there is someone for everyone, somewhere. All you have to do is find them!

If asked, I'd advise you to decide what you want and don't settle for less. If you do, you'll never be satisfied.

Good luck!