Help me understand my bi-curious husband

[biwife]

First of all, thanks for having a spot where I can post this. I've found most of the forum discussions to be pretty honest and open, so hopefully this will help me out a bit.

I found out after 5 years of marriage that my husband watched gay porn and is bi-curious. I've always considered myself to be pretty pretty open-minded, and I have had bi friends, so this shouldn't have been that big of a deal, right? Only problem is, our sex life had been non-existant for the past three years (as in "count on one hand how many times a year" nonexistant.) And our sex life was always pretty vanilla - my husband hasn't been with a lot of people and doesn't believe in casual sex. He told me he didn't watch porn. Since the great discovery, our sex life has picked up remarkably, and we've been talking more - all good.

Except tech savvy and insecure human that I am, I hacked my husband's online life (no, this isn't behaviour I'm proud of, but there were trust issues.) And herein lies my question - do bi guys typically only purchase or surf gay porn and look at images of naked men? I don't want to think I'm one of those people who can't understand that sexuality is really complicated, but he NEVER watches straight porn and never searches for women - his whole online history and now erased .mpg library are of men. He claims because he has me, he doesn't need to, but is it possible we're both just kidding ourselves? I found out from an old email he signed up for a gay porn web site three days after we got back from our honeymoon.

Just a note - my husband is a really great guy. I don't believe for a second he has cheated on me, and I honestly believe he loves me very much. I'm concerned that if his only interest is in searching for men online, at some point he's going to figure out that maybe he'd really rather be with one.

So for the insecure, new to this "being married to a bi-curious guy" female - am I wrong to feel insecure that maybe he's more of a 5 or 6 on the Kinsey and not quite the 2 he thinks he is?

[FinkDoodle]

It's really hard to say since there's no "typical" scenario with bi men . . we're all shades of gray in that we like both genders but the ratio seems to be different with each individual. Speaking for myself, sometimes I surf gay porn . . other times straight . . sometimes both together. I think the fact that you're still together speaks volumes in spite of what you found on his computer (and shame on you, by the way,) . . what you have to understand is that with any kind of sexual interest that's not considered "normal" by the populace at large, many people - male and female - are very comfortable keeping it in fantasyland and have no interest whatsoever in venturing into that in the real world. . . but I think from what you described if you're being insecure that may be more your issue than his. Even if he was a 5 or 6 on the Kinsey scale, so what? You're the one he comes home to, right?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol ok..... honest answer time.... most of the bi / bi curious people that sign up for online pay sites, has a way to pay for them lol...... others make usage of free sites....

you hacked his online life.... well done.... not many people would know how to do that... and yes some people will think that what you did was wrong, but you were looking for answers from a husband that was not forthcoming, so as a concerned partner, you took matters into your own hands and found out info that pretty much forced your husband to be more honest and open with you.....

the issue with being bi curious is there is no *correct * defination of being bi curious, some are porn orientated and never move from that position... others may move towards more interactive activities such as hooking up.... so each person is different and so is their sexuality and forms of sexual expression so in a sense, yes he could be telling the truth that he has no need to look for straight porn as he has you so searches for gay porn online as there is no *male partner * to cover that aspect of his life.....

honestly, based around your post and the time frame, it sounds like he may have a mild form of porn addiction...... as you are not really finding other forms of undisclosed behievour.... and the hard thing with porn addiction, is that people think of a person that can not handle a day without viewing porn, which is incorrect..... mild porn addiction is a situation where a person finds stability and security in the porn watching, its like a safe place.... and yes there is often a specific type of porn that they will go for..... what else leads me to say that, is the mention of the vanilla sex and lack of sex life.... he sounds like he *retreats * into the porn.....

on a hunch... is there a bi male friend that can sit in and sit down and talk with you both and then seperately, in order to help you both clear the air a lil...... as there is something unusual about what is going on..... there is not the precursor signs that I would normally see in a bi curious male that is more gay than straight or equally bi..... and while it would be easy to say, let him go fuck another guy, as some people will tell you, is the key to solving the issue..... I have a feeling that it will not work.... that he is more of a fantasy minded guy and taking the fantasy to reality, make not work for either of you at this stage.....

bisexuality is fluid... he could be a 5-6 for years and then shift to a 2-3, bi curious males are no different..... so there is no reason to be too concerned about that, as he is interested in you sexually, emotionally and mentally tho his porn watching could create issues.....

a lil advice that may help, is instead of worrying about what porn he watches, see if you can find out when it started, why and how watching porn interests him..... as why people watch porn, can tell you more about a person than what porn they watch

[bisocialnudist]

You have already received some really great replys especially that there is no typical bisexual. In my case my wife provides all the female sexual satisfaction I need so hacking my computer would make it look like I was much more interested in men . Satisfying my gay side makes my life extremely complicated so most of the time it is simply easier to keep that part of me in the fantasy side supplemented with occasional gay porn. At the end of the day my wife is who I really love and who I really want to be with my sexual attraction to men is an important part of who I am but not enough for my wife and I to give up all the wonderful aspects of our life together. In short mixed orientation relationships can be fabulous. The secrecy is usually more a reflection of a screwed up society that makes people ashamed of their gay side then any sort of intentional dishonesty.

I can't predict the future for you but there are many bisexuals where it is our wives AND an interest in men not either our wives OR an interest in men. I know in my case my wife means the world to me and I am very glad she kept me bisexual and all.

[elian]

Let's say I trust him. He doesn't NEED other women because he has, and loves, you. Finding out you are a man who is attracted to other men in either a sexual way, a romantic way or both isn't the easiest thing to deal with. From the time we hit puberty we are pretty much shown and told that to feel that way about other men is wrong. Fantasy is safer than reality, so he may have lots of videos trying to figure out just WHAT he's attracted to and why..or the fantasy alone is enough to satisfy him for now.

Every circumstance is different and I may be way off base, but when I was still trying to figure out just HOW I felt I used to try watching different types of porn just to see if I could find a way to understand and come to terms with my feelings.

As a single man I wanted to know if I could be really happy turning my life upside down getting married or if I really needed to turn my life upside down being gay. Then I figured out that bisexuals really do exist, and I no longer had to be confused when I could focus for weeks at a time being very happy watching male porn, and then see one female porn clip and be just as turned on.

I was lucky enough to "know" that I was different from an early age, but some guys just don't realize it until later on..they either honestly haven't considered it or they may have been suppressing those feelings because everybody tells them it's wrong.

[swmnkdinthervr]

This won't be a well accepted response but please know I don't condone "cheating" in any way nor is hiding anything from ones spouse acceptable behavior.

IF you trust your husband hasn't "cheated" WHY did you invade his private world. It's obvious that his keeping this part of his interests secret was to avoid embarrassment, YOU have crossed the line. Your insecurity and "approach" is probably causing him at least some emotional pain and could have potentially affected your marriage in a negative way.

You need to ask yourself why you didn't approach him earlier allowing him to respond in his own manner instead of trapping him! Bi/gay people fear being open to our spouses and the rest of society for much that very reason, homophobia is very prevalent even in the home!

[biwife]

I appreciate the responses, and they help. Byronvetch is correct in that this is more about my insecurities than anything, which is why I am uncharacteristically on a forum site discussing this. It's probably the fact that I think that my husband is the best man that I've ever known on so many fronts that the lack of honesty in general about sex was hard to deal with. I also have a former partner who was a porn addict (which I don't really think describes my husband - sorry if I made it sound that way), so I have some issues there. I think it might be his way of dealing with stress - again, I love my husband dearly and am really just trying to understand, since it's new to me. I don't know any bi-men in town (one good gay friend in town, but no one that is openly bi), so I appreciate being able to get some input from here. My desire is to be as supportive as I can rather than being wrapped up in a narcissitic world of "how does this affect me?"

SVM - the minute I saw the gay porn on his computer, we talked. And we have talked since. Unfortunately, since a lot of our sexual history (or lack thereof) made me feel like I'd been an unknowing beard rather than a wife for 5 years, I felt I needed to know more than he was telling me. Again, I'm here because I'm just trying to understand things better so I can be supportive.

Probably a few more things to mention (since I'm using this as online therapy, it appears) I don't watch porn much myself, but I have watched it and have enjoyed same sex porn, so no judgement there. It's the exclusivity to same sex porn from a guy who claimed not to be into porn at all that I don't understand, since it's outside my experience. My belief is he does that instead of acting on it.

I love this man a great deal and want to both spend my life with him and be supportive of him. And he is a good husband and a generally private guy. So again, I appreciate the responses so that I can get back to being open-minded and supportive. Sorry if I'm rambling.

[biwife]

You have already received some really great replys especially that there is no typical bisexual. In my case my wife provides all the female sexual satisfaction I need so hacking my computer would make it look like I was much more interested in men . Satisfying my gay side makes my life extremely complicated so most of the time it is simply easier to keep that part of me in the fantasy side supplemented with occasional gay porn. At the end of the day my wife is who I really love and who I really want to be with my sexual attraction to men is an important part of who I am but not enough for my wife and I to give up all the wonderful aspects of our life together. In short mixed orientation relationships can be fabulous. The secrecy is usually more a reflection of a screwed up society that makes people ashamed of their gay side then any sort of intentional dishonesty.

I can't predict the future for you but there are many bisexuals where it is our wives AND an interest in men not either our wives OR an interest in men. I know in my case my wife means the world to me and I am very glad she kept me bisexual and all.

Just wanted to mention, your reply really helped. A lot.

[csrakate]

I think it is a great injustice for anyone to refer to your husband as a porn addict. If your husband has been hiding some bisexual urges, the only way he has been able to satisfy those urges is by viewing porn. It is his private retreat and it isn't anything you should be threatened by. As for your "vanilla" sex life, perhaps that is how he is sexually....a little reserved and just needing some love and understanding in order for him to be really comfortable and relaxed. I also agree with creativebi that he may be harboring a bit of shame for his private sex fantasies and that may explain why he is so reserved sexually. It really isn't any indication of his attraction to you...or lack of attraction so don't ever let that hold you back from feeling loved and wanted by him. I encourage you to speak openly with him...but by all means try to avoid making him feel further shame. In the same vein, let him know how you feel...what you fear and hopefully, as a loving couple, the two of you can learn to share a bit more. It's not a quick process.....believe me, I know. I have been married to a bisexual man for over 30 years and it took me many years to become comfortable with it. If you have any other questions regarding having a bisexual spouse, please feel free to contact me privately.

Best wishes to you both!

[StCroix]

Hi. I think--this is certainly true of me--that with many bi guys, there is a heavy narcissistic component. It's the fascinating physicality of another man, a variation on my own male body, that arouses, quite frankly, lust. And that's it! It is a TOTALLY different thing that desire for and intimacy with a woman generates, which, again with me anyway, is full spectrum: the heart, the body, the everything. I have never cheated on my wife with another woman (35 years!), and never will, but doing something with a guy is just in a different universe and honestly does not, for me, feel like 'cheating.'

[axlton]

I could be wrong about this and apologize if I am, but if your sex life is "count on one hand how many times we do it a year" and your finding absolutely nothing but gay porn in his history. Then, it sounds to me like your husband is gay rather than bi. Although, he may just have been frustrated as well I suppose, you say your sex life has picked up and you two are communicating better. How much has it picked up?

I am bi myself and understand that sexuality can be a fluid thing, sometimes preferring one over the other, but, a three year drought of sex and nothing but gay porn raises some red flags in my mind. I'm out to my wife, play with guys once in a while, but still I want my wife as much as I ever did with us having sex 4-5 times a week on average. Like I said I could be wrong. This is just my opinion on what you've said so far, and I can only speak from my own experience. However, you may want to sit down and have a more serious discussion with him.

[csrakate]

Axlton - we've gone from a few times a year to a few times a week. Reading a bunch of the comments here, I'm actually starting to think that my knowing about his "secret" bi-side has made it possible for him to be more sexual in general because some of the guilt or shame about his sexual interest has been lifted. There were also issues with health, job stress and a co-sleeping toddler (now in his own room) that contributed, but when you're not thinking rationally, it's easy to generalize it to "HE'S GAY! Oh NO!" I just realized my being accepting and supportive (rather than suspicious and insecure) will help us BOTH, both in and out of bed.

I really appreciate all the responses. The place I'm trying to get to (and I come and go from there) is that I want to allow him to have his personal (and if he prefers, private) interest in the same sex as long as we're talking and maintaining a healthy interest in each other. And again, thank you for being such an open and nice group that I can work out some of this stuff here instead of brooding and playing Nancy Drew online...

You've hit the nail on the head. My husband also opened up a great deal more once he realized he no longer had anything to be ashamed about. Just keep talking and sharing. There is no need to rush to anything....you'll get to where you want to be in due time....and you'll get there as a loving couple.

[biwife]

Axlton - we've gone from a few times a year to a few times a week. Reading a bunch of the comments here, I'm actually starting to think that my knowing about his "secret" bi-side has made it possible for him to be more sexual in general because some of the guilt or shame about his sexual interest has been lifted. There were also issues with health, job stress and a co-sleeping toddler (now in his own room) that contributed, but when you're not thinking rationally, it's easy to generalize it to "HE'S GAY! Oh NO!" I just realized my being accepting and supportive (rather than suspicious and insecure) will help us BOTH, both in and out of bed.

I really appreciate all the responses. The place I'm trying to get to (and I come and go from there) is that I want to allow him to have his personal (and if he prefers, private) interest in the same sex as long as we're talking and maintaining a healthy interest in each other. And again, thank you for being such an open and nice group that I can work out some of this stuff here instead of brooding and playing Nancy Drew online...

[axlton]

Axlton - we've gone from a few times a year to a few times a week. Reading a bunch of the comments here, I'm actually starting to think that my knowing about his "secret" bi-side has made it possible for him to be more sexual in general because some of the guilt or shame about his sexual interest has been lifted. There were also issues with health, job stress and a co-sleeping toddler (now in his own room) that contributed, but when you're not thinking rationally, it's easy to generalize it to "HE'S GAY! Oh NO!" I just realized my being accepting and supportive (rather than suspicious and insecure) will help us BOTH, both in and out of bed.

I really appreciate all the responses. The place I'm trying to get to (and I come and go from there) is that I want to allow him to have his personal (and if he prefers, private) interest in the same sex as long as we're talking and maintaining a healthy interest in each other. And again, thank you for being such an open and nice group that I can work out some of this stuff here instead of brooding and playing Nancy Drew online...

Sorry I wasn't aware of the other issues that you were facing. Anyway, Accepting and supportive is something you definitly need to be. It was difficult for me, even after my wife gave me the ok to be with another guy once in a while. I had bad feelings of guilt afterward, and it was only with her continued support that I've come to terms with the issues that I've had. Just keep communicating, let him know that you're ok with him being bi, still love him for who he is and that you're not going anywhere and you'll probably be alright. If you have any issues you need to address those with him as well, don't hold anything back from him, but don't hold any grudges either. Try to remember, coming out to your wife is just as hard on him as it is for you if not more so. My wife got over her issues quickly, she only had one new thing to adjust to. For me it's been 34 years of pent up feelings coming out.

[Herculoid Poirot]

For me, as a 50/50 straight/gay bi guy, I watch gay porn almost exclusively. There are two reasons for that. First, I get straight sex at home, I don't feel the need to see it. Second, and call me over-sensitive, but I am totally turned off by most mainstream straight porn as I worry, rightly or wrongly, about the health and well-being of the women involved. Of course there is some female-positive mainstream straight porn, but I don't need to search it out.

P.S. If I was in a permanent relationship with a guy I'm betting i would be watching only straight porn!

[Neonaught]

Wow! So many great and honest replies here I don't know that I can add anything. I'm a 48 year old man married to a 49 year old woman who was my high school sweetie. I have understood my sexuality since I was 15 and had a love affair with my best buddy and liking guys too has never disturbed me. My sweetie was very insecure so I hid that part of myself from her until 10 years ago. We have been married 25 years and have raised two great kids but I never thought she would be able to handle the idea that I might have sex with anyone else and previously to when I wised her up, that was probably true. She was much like you sound: suspicious because she knew I was hiding something and rightly so. My online porn was mostly gay and I was always careful to keep her from discovering it. Not always sucessfully as she also went down the same road of snooping you have. She questioned me and I denied everything and it stayed that way for a long while. I enjoyed my porn and still do and I even had the occassional man to man meeting but that was very rare. While I would have readily enjoyed having other women, I was a married man and in my heart I simply could not envision myself being with another woman on the side. While I dearly love good sex, clandistine meetings left me feeling empty because I knew in my bones that the best sex comes with people you know and feel affection for. Then she was involved in a terrible head-on car crash and I nearly lost her. As a paramedic I knew exactly how badly injured she was and I was'nt sure she would survive the first week afterwards. I did'nt know how I would be able to come home and tell our kids that mommy was gone. I deal with the sick and injured every day but I'd never had The Reaper so close to one I loved and it rocked me to my core. After a long recovery, our relationship reached a new level and I was able to be honest with her. To my undying surprise and delight she was able to accept me, warts and all, so to speak. I can tell you with certainty that most bi married men would be honest if they could but hold back because they don't think their spouse would be able to handle the concept of thier husband's bisexuality. Wanting intimacy with anyone else is percieved as a threat. In some cases, it may well be. Who can say as every case is different. I think you have to evaluate your relationship and decide if (a) can you can handle your husband having the ocassional man to man play (with or without you)as long as he comes home to you and is happy, or (b) you can understand him having a gay sex oriented fantasy life in his porn choices. Believe it or not this is adequate for some men. Sometimes the actual enactment of the fantasy turns out to be less fulfilling than they expected. Now that I have my wife's "stamp of approval" as it were, finding a male FWB has not been easily accomplished. This is probably because I would need a true friendship that also involved happy sex as a side benefit. I am capable of having sex with strangers but it's just not as good as having sex with someone I really like and have affection for.
Having a baby in bed with the two of you was probably difinitely an inhibitory factor. There was a point in our relationship when medications caused my wife to lose interest in sex and and that definitely made me look elsewhere, as we humans are sexual creatures and if denied that in love, we may well seek an outlet elsewhere. Doing so hurt me more than it helped me. And, frankly, the pleasure simply was'nt worth the cost.
Your story sounds to me much like my own: you have a man that wants you to be the only woman he will ever give himself to totally, but he cannot deny deny his sexuality. Wether he acts upon that sexuality because it's deeply a part of him or wether bisexuality is what he turns to when you are denied to him is the question. Only the two of you will ever be able to determine this. My recomendation is that you be gentle, nonconfrontational, and decide wether you can be as my wife has been: accepting. You hold his fate in your hands. I wish you both the best and if we (my sweetie and I) can help, feel free to correspond with us further.

Mark & Jolena

[biwife]

I continue to be impressed with the honest and supportive answers I'm getting. My husband is a serial monogamist (which is certainly ok by me), but I did tell him that if he ever felt the need to act on the other aspect of his sexuality, all I asked is that I be the first to know. Obviously, I'm not big on surprises. I kind of doubt that will ever happen, though. I also give him credit for not denying anything - once I saw what was on his computer, he was open about why he was watching it. The more and more I hear and think about it, the more I think he hid it less because I would be uncomfortable about it than HE wasn't entirely comfortable with it.

I swear, the more I talk about my husband, the more I realize what a really great guy he is.

[FinkDoodle]

Also, maybe keep in mind that in every relationship no one person knows EVERYTHING about the other. . . which is not to say there's a dishonesty, rather we all have our own little areas of privacy which for one reason or another we're just not comfortable sharing. If everything else in your relationship is working, I personally don't see the wisdom in digging too deeply into his privacy . . you may well find you're bringing harm into the relationship by trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist.

[onewhocares]

I want to chime in on the exurberance in your sex life once your hubby admitted to being bi curious. In the years prior to my dear husband admitting that he was bisexual, our sex life was vanilla and bored me to tears. Once HE allowed himself to feel accepting of the man he was and the I was NOT going anywhere...this man whom I had thought never really liked sex became the horniest man alive. It was like he was making up for lost time...and I loved it. It was wonderful to see him so happy. Jump ahead three years and he finally admitted to HIMSELF that he was one woman short of gay. Our sex life is ok. But what I have noticed is that if he does not have a man in his life he is on edge. In the last weeks he has been with a friend twice and he is a different person. He is so calm, relaxed and happy. I love to see him this way.

If I may suggest, there are a number of groups on Yahoo which support couples in a mixed marriages. Contact me for further information.

Belle in Boston

[biwife]

Agreed! (I'm seeing the light.)



Also, maybe keep in mind that in every relationship no one person knows EVERYTHING about the other. . . which is not to say there's a dishonesty, rather we all have our own little areas of privacy which for one reason or another we're just not comfortable sharing. If everything else in your relationship is working, I personally don't see the wisdom in digging too deeply into his privacy . . you may well find you're bringing harm into the relationship by trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist.

[NakedInSeattle]

I may be wrong but it looks to me like you are working things out and you and your "really great guy" are on the road to a healthy, happy relationship. You don't need us to tell you what to do or think. I just wish more wives were like you and mine.

[biwife]

I may be wrong but it looks to me like you are working things out and you and your "really great guy" are on the road to a healthy, happy relationship. You don't need us to tell you what to do or think. I just wish more wives were like you and mine.

Thanks - more than anything, coming here gave me perspective (and reminded me there isn't a single type of anything) which really helped.

[swmnkdinthervr]

I may be wrong but it looks to me like you are working things out and you and your "really great guy" are on the road to a healthy, happy relationship. You don't need us to tell you what to do or think. I just wish more wives were like you and mine.



We (my wife and I) have to agree with that statement, I (hubby) was a little hasty in my earlier response. I still have problems about invading someone else's private space for any reason, that normally spells a lot more trouble than what you find out causes. Your husband is a lucky guy...as am I, my wife is VERY supportive of my bisexuality!

[axlton]

It does sound like one way or another you're going to find a way to make it work and I to commend you for this. If, however, you ever find yourself having trouble understanding or accepting try to remember: Being bisexual is a big part of what makes your husband who he is. Even if you didn't know he was bi at the beginning, he is and always will be the same man that you originally fell in love with and likely wouldn't be that man had he not been bi.

[VA Jimmy]

He has a woman in his life so he is searching for other men. If he gets bored with men he will look at the gender-benders and transexuals too. Me? Married and I like othe rmen because the satisfaction is obvious and the equipment and needs are well known where being with a woman makes a man feel like he cannot always please your different desires and needs.

[axlton]

@VA Jimmy: Sorry but I've got to ask where that is coming from. Why is it you assume that just because a guy is bi he's gonna eventually get bored with guys and start seeking trannies? Just because you have insecurities about your ability to satisfy a woman and have turned to trannies to compensate does not mean that we all do. I'm very secure in the knowledge that I can satisfy my wife sexually. If you know what physical reactions (that cannot be faked) to look for it is just as obvious. Sorry you're clueless, but don't assume we all are.

[The Black Knights]

I have to agree with axlton. Not all bi men have (any) interest in transsexuals, in porn or otherwise and vice versa. VA Jimmy, you also cannot assume that because a bi man may (also) do things with transsexuals that he does not or no longer has the ability (much less desire) to please a woman. I, for one, do not and have never been concerned about whether I can satisfy my lady sexually, much less any other woman (if I were single again) regardless of whatever else I choose to get into outside of such nor with whom. People (choose to) do different things to achieve orgasm and/or sexual satisfaction. Clearly, bi wife's spouse does have the ability to satisfy her despite everything else. Perhaps you need some more life experiences to understand this. I hope that bi wife and her husband continue on the path to (resuming) a happy marriage, complete with lots of sex and openness on both sides.

[biwife]

I think I owe LongDuck an Apology. Based on the quantity and frequency of the porn that keeps coming out of the woodwork, I'm now prone to believe "porn addict" - specifically, a gay porn addict. I also found out he's been facebook obsessing over one of my graduate students, a 24-yer old straight football player who is unaware of my huband's existence, thank God. Our bouts of talking last for as long as he can hold out and stay away from vids, typically 1 week to a month. Then it's secrecy and lying and "no honey, you're the most important thing in my life..."

Openness and conventional wisdom be damned. The porn means I'm not getting laid. And I'm barely getting laid as it is. He says he'd never cheat on me, but what is the difference? I'd prefer he go out and suck a real dick to living some online fantasy where the jocks that made fun of him in high school all now want to fuck him.

I don't need a reply to this. I needed to vent. For those of you with open, honest relationships, I give you props.