Should you tell your children, you are Bi?

[con1970]

My wife and i have discussed this recently,
Our children are still quite young, but the other night my wife asked "will you tell the children your Bi when they are older?"
I thought about it for a bit and replied " I dont know never really thought about it, if one of them grew upto be LGBT themselves, certainly i would tell them, but apart from that do they need to know?"
What do other people think?
And does anyone have any direct experience of telling their children about their bisexuality, and how did the children react?

[NjbiGuy01]

Tough quandary. I taught my kids "what people do in their bedrooms is their business". We socialize with many LGB people. Our Chiropractor is a lesbian, and we've met her partner, nice folks and not an issue for us. They are out, but not in an overt way. We socialize with a local male couple (former neighbors) that are gay and out, and my kids have a comfort level with all people because of how they were raised. Whether you need to put that out there is your choice, but honestly, it doesn't really serve any purpose IMHO to burden your kid with whatever you choose to do behind closed doors. Now if you decided to be gay, and were moving out or getting a partner etc, then that might be different.

[biwife]

I think the question is, will your children care - or want to know? I don't know many kids who want to think of their parents and sex as compatible topics. I would go with a "be honest of they ask or if they need to know" philosophy.

[innaminka]

been there - done that.
Circumstances required I do.

I was acyively Bi for most of my "motherhood" years. It never impinged on our family life - ergo, there was no need to tell them what was probably not their business.

When my husband and i separated, my bisexuality was one of the factors. Not the major one, but it was there.
I came out to my daughters at that stage as I didn't want others to impart the information. They were 19 and 17 respectively at that stage.
- No big deal! They actually knew although no one had told them. (I slipped up once) My coming out was mere confirmation, although by that stage of my life and in subsequent years I was basically lesbian. (which apparently is very cool for a uni student - having a gay parent!)

But back to the original question, I don't believe children NEED to know about their parents ..
a) sex life
b) sexuality
unless it has a direct influence on their lives, as mine eventually did.

But every family has different beliefs and dynamics. There is no manual on this subject.

[Long Duck Dong]

yeah I tend to agree with innaminka..... its not really a case of should, its more a case of is there a reason to tell them.....

personally, if I had my kids living with me, I would be open with them because that way it would make a lot of things a non issue, like the way I joke with my gay flatmate, and I will hug and kiss male and female friends..... and its done with the understanding that sexuality doesn't matter in the house, a person can be LGBT/hetero but they are free to express affection etc within the 4 walls without their sexuality being drawn into question... IE a hetero male can hug another hetero male and there may be some joking but there is no whispers behind backs about how either person could be bisexual and how to get them into bed......

I would also teach them not to judge a person by sexuality but by opinion and attitude towards others....as that is the defining nature of a person, not whom they love and make love with.... and then there is the sticky issue where I would teach the kids that they do not have to like or agree with alternative sexuality, as opposed to teaching them tolerance of all people..... and the reason for that, is I would rather have the kids speak their own mind, even if I may disagree with their opinions, as I would rather my kids learn that speaking their mind is ok, its what how they express their opinion that can make all the difference

[æonpax]

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I told my three girls that Mom is bisexual, by the age of 6. I believe that a family needs to be honest and trust each other to bond and at least for us, it works.
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`

[darkeyes]

`
I told my three girls that Mom is bisexual, by the age of 6. I believe that a family needs to be honest and trust each other to bond and at least for us, it works.
`
`
Our daughter also was told at the age of 7..no option really since I had only just come into Kate's life and I was obviously not a bf.. and much more than a chum... Lou wasnt born then.. the result of a relationship and marriage during a lengthy separation.. but we have been back together since before she was born, and married (to each other) and she has grown up with what we are to each other and has an understanding that its not only mummies and daddies in this world.. it woorks too.. and both are well balanced happy kids... and isnt that what matters?

[rutemptedalso]

I would tell my kids if it ever came up. I can see were it might be the best thing in some cases though. I've told my wife that I'm attracted to men. We're still work'n on that one day at a time. It wasn't easy but something I needed to do.

[Herculoid Poirot]

As someone who is out (mostly) and active in the LGBT community, my children will find out sooner or later, but how soon is too soon? That's a question I'm working on at the moment.

Another reason for me to tell is I don't want any child to feel the same level of unhappiness and uncertainty i did as a queer kid.

[welickit]

Interesting thread. We have many, many gay and lesbian friends. The kids grew up accepting them and their way of life. Some of them have kids of their own who grew up with two moms or two dads. It isn't unusual around our house to encounter this.

There are oodles of postings on here wondering and asking why bisexuals are not accepted. If you can't openly accept yourself then you have your answer.

As for the kids, every kid is different, just as every family is different. How they are brought up and what prejudices they are exposed to will weigh in. What you hide and what you profess to be will weigh in. What they already know is probably more than you thought they knew. They are individuals, treat them as such. If you bring them up to be accepting without prejudice and you are open and honest you won't have to tell them anything.

[drugstore cowboy]

I don't have kids but my partner does from a previous marriage and they're adults but they know that he and I are both bisexual. So yes you should tell them.

[Randypan]

I told all of mine. 1 was totally accepting, 1 had nothing to say at all and 1 (the"Fag Hag") was shocked and horrified. All girls by the way.

[RockGardener]

I have openly discussed it with my now 16 yo daughter since she was about 14. I have not discussed it with my 12 yo son, but he knows because he read the wedding invitation with our names on it.

The first step in "coming out" to your minor children is to present bisexuality and homosexuality as normal. Then you can let on that it is relevant to your life.

The actual coming out is different depending on the age of the kids and your marital status.

Young kids, you're single - Don't discuss, just present date/relationship as it happens.
Young kids, you're married - Tricky one, may be confusing to small children, "daddy is married to mommy, but is kissing a guy.", not sure what to tell you.
Tween to teen, you're single - Just tell them you are going out with so-and-so, and answer any questions that come up.
Tween to teen, you're married - I'd say, don't throw the second relationship in their faces, but be honest if asked about it.

All in all, it seems like it is alot easier to share with the kids if you are single. If you are married, make sure both parents are in on the conversation, whatever age the child is. If Mom says bad things about Dad's sexuality, it's just going to poison the kids.

That's my $.02. YMMV

[dafydd]

My wife and i have discussed this recently,
Our children are still quite young, but the other night my wife asked "will you tell the children your Bi when they are older?"
I thought about it for a bit and replied " I dont know never really thought about it, if one of them grew upto be LGBT themselves, certainly i would tell them, but apart from that do they need to know?"
What do other people think?
And does anyone have any direct experience of telling their children about their bisexuality, and how did the children react?

better to tell them at 5 then at 15. and if you dont tell them...they'lll find out.
might aswell tell them at 5. they won't care anyway.

[darkeyes]

Overheard yesterday morning an exchange between my daughter and her m8..

M8: I dont mind honestly but I could never be like ur mum and Fran. I could never go with a girl.

Daughter: Me either. But it's their life and it takes all kinds. Have u seen them snog? Ewwwwwwwwww. Gimme a guy ne time...

The red faces on both as Kate and I broke up in hysterics making it quite obvious we had heard their lil chat said it all....

[Gearbox]

I don't think mine would know what I'm talking about if I said I was bisexual.To her I'm single and not even sexual.lol But I have told her in casual conversation that boys can have bf's and girls can have gf's. That's just to let her know that daddy would be ok with her whoever she ends up with, and in the hope that she'd be ok with daddy whoever I end up with.:bigrin:

[RavenEye]

I don't have any kids but it seems like a lot of you are going with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". I feel like it's neutral ground. No harm can come to saying or not saying it. But... *shrugs* *sips tea*

[Sonja]

Its not that complicated, tough or anything else. If it were me, I would tell. Simply because I believe honesty is better. And when they are older, if they catch you with someone other than your wife it will be confusing, possibly devistating because when a child catches a parent with someone other than their spouse, it can cause negative destrustive behavior. Mostly before a parent catches on. They view it as cheating and its seen as betrayal, because to them you are ruining the family by going out behind their mother's back. Even tho' you aren't, they don't know that. So I think honesty is better, so they will know and understand that its an equal partnership. That the other parent knows and that there is no betrayal.

If single, I would still tell them.

Get them to understand from an early age that being LBGT is natural and normal part of life.

I think not telling is an opening for big time trouble, single or married. It will cause confusion, confliction and who knows what else.

So my opinion is tell and be honest.

Children should not be kept in the dark and treated as idiots, that is what causes so many of today's problems with children.

Children are a great deal smarter than most think or realize.

An example of this is: I knew when I was 5 that I was bisexual and I knew what bisexual was. Why? Because my parents didn't treat me like I was an idiot. They told me flat out about life, how things are and that there are more than one type of relationships out there. How did I know? Because I had an attraction to a friend of mine, then a few months later while still being attracted to her; I was also attracted to a boy. So because they sat me down and explained it all to me, I understood when those emotions arose. And before you say a 5 yr old can't have those types of emotions, you are dead wrong. They can and do. Especially those that are more developed psychologically.

So, yes telling it better than not telling. If you are concerned they might not understand. Wait a little while, but I think telling is the best. Kids spy on their parents all the time, they are curious. I just think not telling leads to serious trouble. Anyway, that's my opinion.

[bisocialnudist]

I don't believe secrets are healthy and they often come back to bite us. A recent Dear Abby article discussed the devastation and all the unanswered questions because the daughters discovered Dad was gay AFTER he died. There is always the question what else dont I know about this person I thought I knew so well.

There is no shame in being bisexual and if there is no shame why should I care who knows. What I do in the bedroom sexually is no ones business but who I am as a bisexual goes way beyond sex it goes to the core of my identity. I started questioning my sexual orientation and gender identity in 4th grade, it sure would have been nice to have a family frame of reference. Its OK Mark variations sexual orientation and gender identity run in the family for generations. Instead I stared in the mirror going who is this guy and where did he come from? I didnt find out about my family history until I was 38, could have saved a lot of angst if I had been told sooner.

I came out to both our kids for several reasons. I wanted to live my life honestly, I wanted to be a role model and most importantly I wanted them to be comfortable with who they are no matter who that might be. Nothing says acceptance like I'm one of you. My son went from a Catholic school homophobe to a GLBT activist in everything he does. And my daughter tells her friends having a bi Dad is cool because I can tell him anything. In short in my family there was nothing but positive results. Again I think its all in our attitude. it took me a long time to get here but presenting our bisexuality as a positive part of who we are with self acceptance without shame is contagious and helps others to learn to be more open minded as well. I understand peoples situations vary I was fortunate.

Mark

[dolphinlover74]

I have 4 children and the two oldest know i'm bi and the younger two kind of know.. they are ages 10-18.. They don't seem to concerned about it. But i do like it that they know.. They know we can discuss about anything and not be afraid to ask me anything. Always have been like that.

[ErosUrge]

been there - done that.
Circumstances required I do.

I was acyively Bi for most of my "motherhood" years. It never impinged on our family life - ergo, there was no need to tell them what was probably not their business.

When my husband and i separated, my bisexuality was one of the factors. Not the major one, but it was there.
I came out to my daughters at that stage as I didn't want others to impart the information. They were 19 and 17 respectively at that stage.
- No big deal! They actually knew although no one had told them. (I slipped up once) My coming out was mere confirmation, although by that stage of my life and in subsequent years I was basically lesbian. (which apparently is very cool for a uni student - having a gay parent!)

But back to the original question, I don't believe children NEED to know about their parents ..
a) sex life
b) sexuality
unless it has a direct influence on their lives, as mine eventually did.

But every family has different beliefs and dynamics. There is no manual on this subject.

My daughter found out through a female friend who is also bi. I had told that friend that if she were ever to ask her, it would be okay to let my daughter know...and she did ask and my friend did tell her. After finding out, my daughter approached me and put her arms around me telling me, " I know and it's okay..." She was 19 at the time. She replied to my friend after she received the information, " I knew it!"...as she'd suspected it for a while. This was not because I was obvious with my male partners, but based more on my discussions with her about people being with the same sex; that it was okay. She has never once judged me for it and our bond has always been VERY strong.,..Knowing my daughter's inquistive mind, I knew that eventually she would want to know. Ultimately, it's no one's business. But I'd rather be open about it than to try to hide it which I stopped doing years ago.