Do I tell my husband that I know?

[stuckinsticks]

I recently opened up my favorite porn site, only to find that someone was already logged in, my husband. I couldn't help but snoop around his profile, and saw a huge shocker, his sexual preference was "both", and not just that, there were some gay porn videos listed as favorites. We have been together for 10 years, and I had NO idea. Now, I am bi myself, and he has always know this, so I'm certainly not throwing stones here. I can't talk to anyone that I know about this, if he hasn't outed himself to me, than I'm certainly not going to out him to anyone else. Now I don't know what to do. It must be awful for him to be carrying around this secret, (I think?) Do I tell him that I found this, with love and support of course, or would I be robbing him of the chance to come out on his own, which may never happen. Help!!!!

[NakedInSeattle]

Of course you tell him! You can't possibly be judgemental about his desires when you're bi. And besides, he really wanted you to kmow or he wouldn't have been on your site where he would be found out.
Enjoy your new found knowledge.

[fubar13]

Just speaking for myself i'd say definitely let him know... Go slow at 1st, maybe introduce him to toys, let him know how much it turns you on , maybe tell him of a fantasy you have of seeing him with a man, or sharing him with another man. This is assuming your inclined to sharing him of course. Outting yourself to someone you love is one of the hardest things you can do, because if you love someone your afraid you may lose them by coming out & maybe that was his way of testing the waters, seeing how you would react. So like i said go slow, but definitely let him know, assuming of course you approve. Like i said it would be the highlight of my day to know my partner knew & approved...1st need a partner tho...lol...Good Luck:2cents:

[elian]

Either that or he just forgot to click "Log Off". I guess it must be a shock to you and I hope you don't resent that, you already seem to have a good understanding of why he "wouldn't" tell you - he may be afraid of losing you, or afraid of what other people might think. If there is a time in relationship together where you are sharing intimate thoughts think of a kind way to let him know you think it's okay..if you believe that.

He may or may not like toys and other things, but if the idea of using a toy with him or on him makes you happy then I like that suggestion too.

[stuckinsticks]

Either that or he just forgot to click "Log Off". I guess it must be a shock to you and I hope you don't resent that, you already seem to have a good understanding of why he "wouldn't" tell you - he may be afraid of losing you, or afraid of what other people might think. If there is a time in relationship together where you are sharing intimate thoughts think of a kind way to let him know you think it's okay..if you believe that.

He may or may not like toys and other things, but if the idea of using a toy with him or on him makes you happy then I like that suggestion too.

I have a feeling he forgot to log off, but who knows, his profile is over a year old, and I've certainly been on the site more than once in that time period and never saw him logged in before.

As for toys, this is where I'm a bit confused. I enjoy anal sex, and he seems to enjoy "giving it to me" (oh god...) but he told me that he had less and less interest in me "giving it to him" (I wish I could put it more eloquently, but anyways...)

Maybe I'm being ignorant, but would a bi male enjoy anal pleasure?

[stuckinsticks]

(Also, monogamy is a must, I have no interest in sharing, so that's not really and avenue that I can broach the subject with.)

[Herculoid Poirot]

I have a feeling he forgot to log off, but who knows, his profile is over a year old, and I've certainly been on the site more than once in that time period and never saw him logged in before.

As for toys, this is where I'm a bit confused. I enjoy anal sex, and he seems to enjoy "giving it to me" (oh god...) but he told me that he had less and less interest in me "giving it to him" (I wish I could put it more eloquently, but anyways...)

Maybe I'm being ignorant, but would a bi male enjoy anal pleasure?

not every gay/bi guy loves receiving anal, just the lucky ones ;)

[IndyBiFun]

Hmmmmm.....interesting question.

I think I would go the route of hinting or bringing up the subject of male bisexuality before just hitting him with you know. Since he knows you are bi just start a conversation, "wow honey! You wouldn't believe the girl I met online today." And then say something like "do you think you'd enjoy being with another guy?" "Have you ever looked at men that way?"

Open the door first and let him tell you.

Regarding anal, I've never tried it and I'm sure I want to try it!

Best of luck.

[Something Else]

I'll begin with this: I'm not married. However, I am bi. And the idea of my wife [hypothetically speaking] discovering my entire attraction would be a shock at first, but comforting to know that you have his back finding himself. You have to keep in mind, even though he is online...he might not have come out to HIMSELF. I know it sounds weird. But for some guys...accepting that they are attracted to both woman parts & man parts is quite a personal challenge.

There is a movie that had Colin Farrell, titled A Home at the end of the World (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/home_at_the_end_of_the_world/trailers/), that featured him as a lover of a man and a woman in that movie. You can watch it first and have him watch it with you. It could spark a conversation of Colin Farrell's performance and bisexuality in general. In that way, you can be open about what your ideas of bisexuality may be. And ask him if he has any thoughts about it. Something to think of.

And for what it's worth, regarding 'pegging' [which is when the woman topping the man] is NOT a turn on for all bisexual men - I'm one. Your husband might want to be topped, but by another man - something to consider.

[orallybi4cpl]

(Also, monogamy is a must, I have no interest in sharing, so that's not really and avenue that I can broach the subject with.)

If monogamy is involved.. why bother?

The games people play is pathetic

No wonder people cheat...

if you can't share.. then you're wasting your time...

it's probably just a fantasy anyway.. and always will be.. with that attitude

good luck sister

[stuckinsticks]

If monogamy is involved.. why bother?

The games people play is pathetic

No wonder people cheat...

if you can't share.. then you're wasting your time...

it's probably just a fantasy anyway.. and always will be.. with that attitude

good luck sister

I'm not playing games, I'm trying to be supportive of my husband, what's pathetic about that?

I like the idea of watching the Colin Farrell movie, might be a good way to open up some conversation.

[darkeyes]

If u can avoid it, I wouldnt tell him.. but I would have some nice chats about sexuality and try tp lead him to telling u.. a bit like letting a guy think he is seducing u.. let him think it.. but its ur intention all along..

..if it looks like ur getting nowhere then I doubt u will be able to hold on to the knowledge for that long.. but its possible... some people can... but most cant.. they have to say something and do.. often very clumsily and badly... if u feel that way in the end, I suggest that u think very carefully just what u are going to say.. and be gentle but u will need some assertiveness at some stage in the discussion if u are to get the truth....

..it may of course just be some kind of fantasy.. we all have them about things we wouldnt dream of doing in life.. and doesn't necessarily always represent how we feel or how we are.. I'd tread very carefully before saying a word but if u feel u need to then do it as lovingly and gently as u can ... if he feels trapped and cornered he may hit out and it could damage the relationship.. so great care and patience is needed.. and a lot of love...

[keefer10.7]

If u can avoid it, I wouldnt tell him.. but I would have some nice chats about sexuality and try tp lead him to telling u.. a bit like letting a guy think he is seducing u.. let him think it.. but its ur intention all along..

..if it looks like ur getting nowhere then I doubt u will be able to hold on to the knowledge for that long.. but its possible... some people can... but most cant.. they have to say something and do.. often very clumsily and badly... if u feel that way in the end, I suggest that u think very carefully just what u are going to say.. and be gentle but u will need some assertiveness at some stage in the discussion if u are to get the truth....

..it may of course just be some kind of fantasy.. we all have them about things we wouldnt dream of doing in life.. and doesn't necessarily always represent how we feel or how we are.. I'd tread very carefully before saying a word but if u feel u need to then do it as lovingly and gently as u can ... if he feels trapped and cornered he may hit out and it could damage the relationship.. so great care and patience is needed.. and a lot of love...

Well said, Fran. I could not agree more as to what you just opined.

[Gearbox]

(Also, monogamy is a must, I have no interest in sharing, so that's not really and avenue that I can broach the subject with.)
......10 years together and he hasn't 'come out' to you even though he knows your bi?
Not a great mystery is it?:rolleyes:

Your most probably the LAST person on Earth he's going to say "I'd love a real cock to play with!" to, if he already knows your views on monogamy.
What kind of comfort&support are you planning? "You'll NEVER get it while your with me!"?

[stuckinsticks]

......10 years together and he hasn't 'come out' to you even though he knows your bi?
Not a great mystery is it?:rolleyes:

Your most probably the LAST person on Earth he's going to say "I'd love a real cock to play with!" to, if he already knows your views on monogamy.
What kind of comfort&support are you planning? "You'll NEVER get it while your with me!"?

You do have a good point. Seeing that the subject hasn't really come up though, I'm not sure if he knows how I feel. The only time we have really had a discussion about monogamy was when we were discussing my sexuality. He's joked, (or tried to pry information) about me with other women while we were married, and I told him the truth, I've been faithful. I suppose that's more important than anything else, what ever we do, we do openly and together, or at least don't hide it from each other. Frankly, I think it would be a bit of a turn on to see him with someone else. If it came down to it, and it was something he really felt like he needed to do, although I would be apprehensive and maybe a little scared about the outcome, he has my support no matter what.

I suppose he knows my views on monogamy based on the fact that we've been in a monogamous relationship, but I've certainly never come out and said, "just in case you like guys, no cock for you" :)

[tenni]

"Frankly, I think it would be a bit of a turn on to see him with someone else. If it came down to it, and it was something he really felt like he needed to do, although I would be apprehensive and maybe a little scared about the outcome, he has my support no matter what."

There ya go :) Relax. Open up your mind to possibilities. Give yourself time to adapt to your new reality. Use one of the several ideas to help him feel safe to share with you. Guys sometimes come to their bisexual awareness a bit later on in life.

[DuckiesDarling]

I recently opened up my favorite porn site, only to find that someone was already logged in, my husband. I couldn't help but snoop around his profile, and saw a huge shocker, his sexual preference was "both", and not just that, there were some gay porn videos listed as favorites. We have been together for 10 years, and I had NO idea. Now, I am bi myself, and he has always know this, so I'm certainly not throwing stones here. I can't talk to anyone that I know about this, if he hasn't outed himself to me, than I'm certainly not going to out him to anyone else. Now I don't know what to do. It must be awful for him to be carrying around this secret, (I think?) Do I tell him that I found this, with love and support of course, or would I be robbing him of the chance to come out on his own, which may never happen. Help!!!!

Reverse it, if it was you that forgot to log off, would you want him to tell you, or would you want to wait til you were ready? Give him a chance, he may not be bi, he might just be turned on by gay porn because of the energy in it, not the action. Relax and let life unfold at it's own pace. If you push him, he may totally shut down, not despite the fact you are bi, but because of it. Good luck.

[orallybi4cpl]

I'm not playing games, I'm trying to be supportive of my husband, what's pathetic about that?

I like the idea of watching the Colin Farrell movie, might be a good way to open up some conversation.

What if he wants to suck cock? You probably wouldn't allow it

[pantytimbmd]

I think you should talk to him and tell him you are completely supportive of anything he wants to try. Couples should be open and supportive in these matters and share everything. If he is ok and supportive of your bisexuality, why would'nt it be the same for you?

[BiJoe696]

There is a movie that had Colin Farrell, titled A Home at the end of the World (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/home_at_the_end_of_the_world/trailers/), that featured him as a lover of a man and a woman in that movie


That looks like a fun movie, will check it out, thanks.

As far as her question:

I just found that getting it over with letting my partner know who I am is much easier than keeping secrets. That is just my choice, others do things they choose. If you are going to choose someone to be your life partner, isn't honesty the best way to go for both parties?

[FinkDoodle]

I'd leave it alone and let him have his privacy. . . especially if you're using phrases like "I couldn't help but snoop around his profile" . . You obviously were prying into areas that he'd prefer to keep to himself so that in itself could cause some conflict without the whole bi-thing even coming into the conversation.

That being said, if at some point in the future you made sure he knew you were bi-male-friendly, it might give him an opportunity to open up to you if he wants to.

In my experience, more than a few men are only interested in bi sex as a fantasy only with no intention of it every carrying over into real life. If that's the case, and you confront him with your discovery even with the best intentions, he may not react positively.

[stuckinsticks]

I really appreciate the feedback, (well most of it). I just made this discovery a few days ago, so I'm still trying to sort through how I feel about it. I'm actually starting to think that he knows that I saw his page as gay men was a topic of conversation last night. The thing is, I don't need him to tell me, but if he needs to let it out, I want to be open to him. That is my biggest concern, I don't want him to feel like he has to carry around this big secret. I think, for now anyways, I'm just going to let the chips fall where they may, and if he wants to tell me, he can tell me.

[orallybi4cpl]

How about if you drool down his cock .. and lick just a little.. which excites me and I catch your string of wetness as it mixes with his pre cum and taste it too.. then continuing on to lick it with you.. and he takes it all in.. two mouths making his cock feel soooo good you and I get his cock completely ready for you... as you slip him in you.. as you face me with your legs open.. and then you both feel my tongue as he is now in you .. ummmmm and I taste your juices on his cock now it's so sensual..

would you like that? I know I would..

[stuckinsticks]

How about if you drool down his cock .. and lick just a little.. which excites me and I catch your string of wetness as it mixes with his pre cum and taste it too.. then continuing on to lick it with you.. and he takes it all in.. two mouths making his cock feel soooo good you and I get his cock completely ready for you... as you slip him in you.. as you face me with your legs open.. and then you both feel my tongue as he is now in you .. ummmmm and I taste your juices on his cock now it's so sensual..

would you like that? I know I would..

I don't know if you're trying to get a rise out of me or something, but you may be surprised to know that I totally fantasize about group sex, so you pretty much spelled out how to get me wet. Thanks for your support.

[Dog62]

Maybe I'm being ignorant, but would a bi male enjoy anal pleasure?To answer this specific question, maybe not. I am bi and other than a small strap-on that my girlfriend has, I do not enjoy anal sex. I'm not really sure that I enjoy her strap-on as much as I enjoy her reaction to using the strap-on on me.

Now, toward your original questions. If monogamy is of the utmost importance to you then I would not approach him directly. After all, like others have said: Why? It is almost like dangling a treat in front of your dog, knowing how excited he will get when you have no intention of letting him have the treat.
If you wish to slowly work into it, then I say why not? Start slow. Read some stories together, talk about fantasies, watch some porn that has m/m overtones or a straight/bi video (don't just jump into gay or bi porn). If your bi activities are relegated to fantasy, and his will be too, then go at it that way. Share your fantasies of other women and also your fantasy of seeing him and another man and see how he reacts.

[Bi-Trucker]

I see several posts like this since I was introduced to this site a few years back by my wife. Why is it that the partner that discovers their partner is Bi, and is more than likely also Bi makes a big deal out of discovering their partner is possibly Bi? Doesn't make any sense to me at all. Just my 2 cents. Didn't read through this whole thread. So if someone else stated the same thing or something similar. Sorry!

[jackbirdjay]

hey maybe he's not bisexual just curious about it. It dose not mean he will act on it.

[stuckinsticks]

I'm starting to feel like my whole "not sharing" outlook was a bit of a knee jerk reaction. The more I think about it, the more it excites me. A lot of the advise I was getting was to the tune of "If you're not going to let him act on it, than why bother telling him" which is all too true. It's also got me thinking about my own attraction women, which I haven't acted on, (aside from watching porn) in 10 years.

[MtnMan]

If I was your husband, keeping the secret might just mean that he's not sure how you would react, and if he hasn't gone out and experienced his bi side in the flesh, then it could be a fantasy that will bring a whole new wonderful chapter into your lives. I would go slow--some time when the two of you are having sex, and if you've honestly ever thought about the idea, take the lead and tell him it might be fun to experience MMF. Sexuality, from my experience and my reading, is very indvidualized and even the "levels" of bi are many, from a psychic attractiveness to both genders, to the overt Bachanal. Be kind, be loving, and let it grow.

[moonbeam]

Tell him you have a fantasy to do him with a strapon. Or be streight up in nice way and tell him what you saw/learned on the website and talk about it, you might make his day. A xgirlfriend told me she had a strap-on she used on her bi lady friends, and i was curious to what it would feel like so she did me and i love it. Im now a Bottom guy and enjoy it very much. Good Luck sweetie.

[LeeNorCal]

@stuckinsticks, if you haven't acted on your bi fantasies, chances are your hubby hasn't either. I don't see anything wrong with having those fantasies. I spent years with porn and chat sites before "diving in" for the real thing. I constantly see guys and gals on those sites who would never act on their fantasies (and believe me, some of those fantasies are better left unrealised.)

If I was your hubby, I would prefer you come out and tell me that what you found. That could open up a a whole new world of enjoyment for both of you to explore together.

[NjbiGuy01]

I envy you both, in that you are both bi and together. I guess he felt he could not be out to you, but know this (via finding out on the computer) might help you reach out to him and get it in the open. The odd part is that if you are both bi, but neither of you act on that ? (if I am reading it right). It almost seems like it wouldn't matter whether you guys were or were not, if you weren't going to act on it anyway...?!? I guess I idealized being in a relationship where both were bi, and that the two people in the couple could "date" or have relationships with other same-sex friends freely. My personal preference would be two couples with both bi partners all playing together or in various combinations depending on availability. I played with a sweet married couple years ago where she had a girlfriend, he had me, and we played in the various combinations when time allowed...unfortunately they divorced, despite being so sexually in-tune, they had other issues.

[stuckinsticks]

...unfortunately they divorced, despite being so sexually in-tune, they had other issues.


This is what scares me a little, what happens if we do step into the unknown and things change.

I've always, in my mind, thought of my sexuality as incidental to my relationship. I like men and women, but the person I fell in love with happened to be a man, and that was that. There's been no further exploration because we have been in a monogamous relationship. All of a sudden, this new found knowledge has me really excited at the prospect of trying new things. I can't stop going through his profile, and seeing the pictures and videos that he has "favorited" and wondering how I can act those things out for him. I really want to tell him now, but I'm afraid that it's more for selfish reasons, the chance to spice up our sex life. I'm still not to sure if I should tell him, but I've been dropping a lot of hints, especially while we're having sex. It's funny, I see these pictures of his of MMF threesomes, and it is such a turn on for me, I would love to get fucked by two men at the same time. The more I think about seeing him with another man, the more it turns me on. It's like I've kept this side of me pent up for so long, and now it's exploding forth from my loins! His profile says that he is married and loves his wife very much and is not interested in cheating, he just loves jerking off, or something to that extent. I guess I'm still afraid of what will happen if I open up this door for him, but he doesn't want to walk through it.

[uhuhuncut]

Hey stuck, i got curious because an old gf would always tell me, in detail, how she luv'd the feel, taste, of me in her mouth. Perhaps if you describe what you're experiencing as you feel and taste him, it will open the door for you to ask if he's thought of how it might feel to be in your position.

[slaphappypud]

Stuck,

Do you think that he might be afraid to tell you? Some guys question their own masculinity and are just really uncomfortable in their own skin due to their sexuality. You know him and yourself better than anyone here, so the judgement of if/how bringing the subject up is up to you alone. Some of the things you've said lead me to think you'd make a cool partner (that you'd like to see it)... I hope he sees that in you as well.

I understand the feeling you have, keeping secrets usually leads to hurt and distrust. But you have to weigh what you know against how you feel (without denying either side), come to terms with it and move on. I hope that you can talk to him about it in a loving and caring way and I hope he responds in kind.

Best of luck! I sincerely hope things work out for the best!

[stuckinsticks]

I can hardly get over how kind and genuinely helpful you all have been. I have been riding a bit of a roller coaster of emotions about this, so it's just been a huge relief to find this community of like minded people to share this with, Thank You!:grouphug:

[open2both]

Hell yeah! You're bi he's bi this will open up a new universe for you relationship!

[Kinkybiguy7]

I honestly believe you and your hubby should cum over to my place and I'll take care of both of you.

[millerlarry]

yes, start talking about it

[stuckinsticks]

I honestly believe you and your hubby should cum over to my place and I'll take care of both of you.

I appreciate the offer, but the commute would be horrendous ;)

[Dog62]

stuck, I still believe that if you and he will be keeping your bisexuality on a fantasy only level then broach the subject very slowly, as banter during some intimate moments and share the bedroom talk as just that, you sharing your fantasy (of watching him and another guy doing....) and wait for him to respond to "your" fantasy. Since he knows you are bi, then start the fantasy off as a 2 couple thing with you and the other woman, and then move it toward him and the other guy. If he thinks this is "your" fantasy, that will remove any issues he may be concerned with about how to tell you. He doesn't have to tell you when you are asking for it. It will also let him know what you think of the idea. I have met bi-sexual women that cringe at the idea of bi-sexual men.
Now, if you and he manage to put your jealousy aside (which many can not) believe me when I tell you that any combination of 3 some or a 4 some with another couple can be some of the wildest sex you can imagine, when shared with someone you love. My g/f and I started with FFM 3somes and I loved to watch her but never really "understood" why she enjoyed putting on a "show" for me as much as she did. We now have a steady male friend that we play with. With her encouragement, he and I have gotten together without her and while it is fun, I much prefer that she is there. I know how much it turns her on to watch and join. That knowledge alone actually changes the "atmosphere" and enthusiasm. Having sex with our friend is fun and it's just sex. Having sex with our friend while my love watches, encourages us, and enjoys heightens the intensity to a whole different level. I now understand why she enjoyed putting on a show for my pleasure before.

[Coconut-Joe]

Here's my 10 cents worth. I think that you should slowly bring up the subject of different types of porn that you enjoy and talk a bit more about your bisexuality. See how he reacts and work your way towards embracing whatever his situation is. I think that him knowing you are ok with it will make him feel fully included in the relationship. You both have to be open with each other and then see where things go. Its better to go together than apart wherever the relationship goes.
Joe