Sexual Abuse and its Effect on sexuality

[MickeyJohnson]

Hi. I been away from the site for a while so I'll get straight to it. I was sexually molested on multiple occasions and sexually assaulted twice. All this happened in Elementary school. All the guys I got sexed out by were white (Im black). Now despite all this, for some reason I LOVE white guys. Im not into black guys at all.
Now, I met a guy over the Internet who was assaulted by a black guy.He is not attracted to black guys at all. He even hates it when I flirt with him through text. Now his situation makes more sense than mine. so my questions are:
Do you think I'd be attracted to guys if I wasnt sexaully abused? Why do I like white guys so much despite all thats been done to me? and am I wrong for trying to change the other guys mind about black guys? I cant help but flirt with him cuz Hes adorable. and he reminds me so much of a kid I was involved with when I was younger. He says hes not racist, but I think he still has a slight prejudice about him.

[*pan*]

we are the product of our expirences and with that being said we all react differently to things. some can be totally turned off by any and all sexual interaction, while some it will open doors for them, we are not all alike and do not come from one mold, we do not react the same to situtations, some are more traumatized then others, some get over it, some never will, . your expirence might have varied greatly from your friends, your thoughts and reactions may be different. some let go some don't. and no doubt he might harbor feelings towards a race because of his encounter. only he knows for sure how he feels and what he thinks. this is the human factor in us all which helps determine our desires, attractions, cautions, ect... as for your question : why you could be attracted to white men i don't know it's a personal choice, i know a lot of blacks attracted to white and a lot of whites attracted to blacks also blacks that do not like white and whites that do not like blacks, these are the biases within some people through personal choice. maybe the sexual encounter you expirenced brought you closer to whites then you would have ever had a oppertunity to be otherwise in a sexual situtation and therefore rushed you into something that you might have desired later on in life. who knows. as for your friend, time is said to heal all wounds. stay friends don't push your self on him and see if he eventually comes around, if not then you will still be friends. of course this is just my two cents to your post and only my own opinion.

[darkeyes]

.. it is not unusal for the abused to come to feel affection for and even identify with the abuser and learn to enjoy the abuse.. nor is it so unusal for the abused to become the abuser and spmetimes together with the original abuser abuse others... as with one who has been kidnapped it happens that some identify with and their kidnapper.. the stockholm syndrome.. or in the case of abuse a variation of it, and the abused, even if he or she does not become an abuser, can come to enjoy and even prefer the company of those who he or she sees as similar to the abuser..

[tenni]

Do you think I'd be attracted to guys if I wasnt sexaully abused? Why do I like white guys so much despite all thats been done to me? and am I wrong for trying to change the other guys mind about black guys? I cant help but flirt with him cuz Hes adorable. and he reminds me so much of a kid I was involved with when I was younger. He says hes not racist, but I think he still has a slight prejudice about him.

As Pan states you may like white guys for particular physical features. Could this be a form of racism on your part due to your experiences? Only you may figure that out. If you genuinely are attracted to certain physical features and then like the guy for his personality, don't worry. Enjoy yourself with these guys. Unless you still feel some trauma from what happened to you when you were younger, just enjoy their company. As far as the other guy who doesn't like you to flirt with him, don't force yourself on to him. Its his life and you are not his saviour from his fears. It may be ok to develop a friendship but I'd be cautious about forming anything sexual with each other. That may lead to a disfunctional relationship that may leave you very unhappy. Its your choice though.

[keladry]

We want to be careful when suggesting that sexual abuse "made" us this way. Often, the religious righty douche-baggery uses that kind of language to talk about how unnatural our attractions are. How sin brings about more sin, etc. So I just want to encourage caution when looking for answers about why you are the way you are... not to impede your search for answers, but to try to encourage you not to give those idiots more weapons, and to also tell you the origin of that rhetoric.

So enough warning about that I'll share my experience:

I know that being sexually abused has only made me more confused about my sexuality. I wondered if I was gay because for a long time the sight of penis scared the shit out of me. Men I loved; penis made me think of being hurt. I saw penis and I was terrified. Being raped didn't make me like men, it didn't make me like women. It hurt me, and fucked me up sexually and emotionally, but it didn't change who I was attracted to... it just made me terrified of something that I desire...

[elian]

I've always known I was "different" but my childhood experiences galvanized me. I was 7 years old, I wanted to be loved and men took advantage of that. Is there anything else worth really saying? To this day I have mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure about relationships that make it very hard to reach out and trust people.

We all have adversity to deal with in one form or another, thank goodness the human spirit is very resilient.

[pepperjack]

Now I understand more clearly Elian, why my story resonated with you months ago. I DO believe those early sexual experiences contribute to shaping us. And yes, our capacity to adapt & survive is awesome!:cool:

[Long Duck Dong]

its a dual issue...... some people find their sexuality can be influenced by past sexual experiences and some find that their sexuality is awakened by past sexual experiences.......

a key point in this, is how the issues were treated.... as counselors and therapists can play a big part in the outcome.... as there is the *pressure * to have you regard yourself as a victim of sexual abuse.....and personally, I tend to let the person themselves, decide if they want to be a victim or a survivor.... the difference being that a victim will *carry * the experience within them, a survivor will not allow the experience to * control * them and dictate their lives.....

our attraction to people of different races, genders, sexualities and cultures can be a pre existing interest.... and not always affected by past sexual experiences..... but it is not common for some people to find that they are drawn to people that resemble the people from their past experiences..... and how that works is simple.. we do not always turn against the people of the gender / sexuality that has acted in a manner that has upset us..... IE females may continue to enjoy the company of males of a race, even tho one male of the same race has acted in a offensive manner towards them......

in the same way that we are attracted to people, we can also be repeled by people, and often its not something visible like race, it can be mannerism.....which can be mistaken for racism, but when better explored, its found that its aspects of people of a certain race, not the people or the race itself..... actual racism is not that common.... aspect / mannerism based racism is more common in people.....

so in simple terms to answer your question, you need to think about what attracts you to white guys and if you are attracted / drawn to white guys that have mannerisms similar to the nature and mannerism of the younger guys earlier in your life...... and you may well find that your situation is the reverse of your friend that is reacting adversely to the same type of thing in the type of person that he had his experience with....

[keefer10.7]

Back in the '90's while working for a particular company, our office purchasing agent came out of the closet as being gay. It didn't surprise any of us, that even though he was young, extremly handsome and dapperly dressed he was also married to a very beautiful woman. As I said, it was no surprise but I had to appreciate his honesty and chin up attitude that he kept despite some snide remarks made his way. What did surprise me though, was one day, while it was just him and I in the office and him knowing full well my beliefs in the Bible, he confided with me, something that I still think about to this day. He asked if he could talk with me about something, and I said sure. He revealed to me that as a adolescant child, his uncle and his older brother had sexually molested him and this was the reason why he came out of the closet as a gay man. To say I was stunned is an understatement, there was no judgement on his sexuality for that isn't my business; but rather my head swirled trying to understand the pain he must have felt and still feels, at least to that day. I can't remember the whole conversation but I do remember asking him how he felt about going to a therapist to help sort this out. As for the gent who opened this thread, I would encourage you to do the same. I certaintly don't have a complete answer for you, and an answer to how you feel is not going to come in a mere 45 minute session or from anyone here. My thoughts go out to you as this is just horrible to hear. I hope peace finds you and your questions answered.

[Herculoid Poirot]

Do you think I'd be attracted to guys if I wasnt sexaully abused?

I've yet to see any evidence that finds a causal relationship between same-sex sexual abuse and same-sex attraction. It can, however, have long standing effects on the way you think and feel, how you love and trust, or vice versa. I know I was an adult before I could trust anyone fully.

This is my experience. From a young age I went looking for love in the wrong places and that put me in a position (alone with an older boy, unseen by parent, desperate to feel loved, and to please others) to be taken advantage of. I still feel a lot of guilt and shame because at first I wanted the boy to be with me, but it was when I wanted to stop and he wouldn't that it all went so badly, and kept going badly for a long time. If I hadn't been so lonely, so scared, so desperate, I never would have allowed myself to be there with a local 'bad boy'.

[elian]

I really wanted to share some sort of inspirational video with my post, to not just leave yet another depressing message on the board without some sort of encouragement. So I went trolling youtube for a while, looking for a video that would be suitable. I think in 24 hours I've learned a lot.

That I am incredibly afraid to let go and incredibly afraid to fail (the exact WRONG attitude to have).

The world still provides for us, feeds us, nourishes us - whether we feel we are worthy or not. A good part of that is connection with others.

That some of us were designed not to conform from the start. It's really hard to see this as a blessing and not a curse but if we were all the same humanity would not evolve.

Fear binds us, love really is the key.

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

http://youtu.be/hzBCI13rJmA
http://youtu.be/JSon8kVM0sI
http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/69-Hope

[elian]

I can't say whether or not your abuse "made" you gay - in all honesty probably not, but I do note that every once in a while I seem to go back to spots in my life where I've experienced trauma, as if I keep trying to repeat the lesson until I get the "right" answer.. For me, the social stigma is just incidental to that..the "right" answer doesn't mean that loving men was wrong..I was a very affectionate child growing up, just had a few bad experiences.

The man I dated the longest on here also knows what it is like to be abused, I would like to think that we've both helped each other overcome the past at least a little. Developing character is one of the main reasons we enter into a relationship in the first place. Is it wrong to flirt with your friend? That depends on your motivation. If you are flirting with him just to get an emotional response from him, that might be cruel. But if you have a genuine interest or attraction to him, if you want to help him heal then maybe there is a reason that you met that particular man.

Helping someone who feels they have truly been raped is not easy..he may never feel comfortable enough to have sex with you, do not take it personally..trust is hard. Maybe a hug and some kind words go a long way toward showing compassion to a soul who needs them.

We all have prejudice of one sort or another, honest to God wish I did not but it is human nature. What you do in spite of that fear..that is what makes a difference. When I truly make a personal connection with someone that fear goes away, although I still may not really understand the experiences that person has gone through. I guess that's one reason I hang out on here so much, because people do share their experiences and it helps me learn.

[louther]

I can say for me I was abused by my cousin for a long time, from about age 5 until he moved away I don't remember when it stopped. I do know that I knew it was wrong since we had to hide in order to whatever we were doing. At the same time I remember it feeling good & liking it. All of the normal issues that come with this abuse aside (trust, over- sexuality etc) aside, I don't think it made it anything. I do think that it made me more open-minded. I was never one of those guys that acted disgusted by gay sex or thought badly of gays or made fun of gays, like most immature teenagers. I think it did lay the groundwork for me to be where I am today craving M2M sex, or at least being turned on by it. It also gave me the perspective of knowing that there's nothing wrong with me for wanting to play with someone else's dick lol.
I am not advocating child abuse or engaging in it I find that to be deplorable, I just think it did influence me and I have accepted that. Hope that all makes sense to you.

[darkeyes]

I've yet to see any evidence that finds a causal relationship between same-sex sexual abuse and same-sex attraction. It can, however, have long standing effects on the way you think and feel, how you love and trust, or vice versa. I know I was an adult before I could trust anyone fully.

There is certainly evidence that those who have been abuused in childhood and adolescence themselves become abusers. By extension at least some of those who have been abused through childhood and into adolescence and continuing into adulthood may have been conditioned by that abuse to consider sex with the gender of their abuser as the norm.. how much evidence there is of that I agree it is sketchy and unreliable, to say the least often tainted by vested interest, but I suspect their is an element of it..it will I suspect be more than we would like to hope, but much less than certain others might wish to and do at times claim...

[jhg50]

i was abused as a child but grew up hatting abuseres but at the same time was always confused about my own sexuality. was married 31 years in a bad relationship but stayed for the kids. been divorced 2 years now and have explored my sexuality in many ways. i have learned that my abuse did affect who i am but i did turn out to dispise abusers but although i do prefere sex and relations with women i dont mind to have sex only with men and to suck or get fucked by men. i fill that how you deal with abuse and help you get does affect how you look at it and how you turn out. theres nothing wrong with being bi and prefering one sex to the other but also enjoying sex with the same sex. to me abuseres need to be hanged just my openion

[elian]

The authority figure who introduced me to sex first decided to torture me a little - show me a gun and threaten to use it, lock me in a basement for an hour and taunt me over an intercom system, get in a fight with a gang in the park while were were walking back from the store, throw me in a pile of tires in the backyard stacked high so I couldn't move and spray me in the face with a hose (and the stray kitten we found as well.) Only after all that, did he tell me that he wanted to show me what "love" was..and it was the first time a man ever held me in his arms like wanted me.

I was 7 years old at the time, I think he was a 12 year old babysitter. That experience broke me as a person but the sexual component of the abuse was just the "icing on the cake" and very minor compared to what some people have gone through.

And yes Fran, I do worry about children and because of my experience I doubt my ability to be a good father - as a child I just stayed away from people. It has been incredibly painful and taken a long time to build my self confidence and trust. The 12 year old HAD to be abused by SOMEBODY else, there is no other explanation for what he did, or what he knew about sex at that age. I would NEVER want a child to have to go through what I experienced - period.

What I have learned is that everybody has some sort of adversity in their life, even the wealthiest person who you might think shouldn't have a care in the world (the Kennedy family is my best understanding of why having wealth doesn't automatically equate to happiness).

I guess that's why I keep trying to look forward with love, compassion and forgiveness - to be constantly angry really doesn't help. As for myself, what happened, happened and if it didn't I would have never had to really question who I was as a person and what impact my actions have on the world.