i am probably crazy - but -

[Emunahd]

First of all, I am digging the new site!

Second of all, as some of you may remember, I ended a 2 year relationship with my biBF about 6 months ago as, no matter what I did or said (always in a very supportive manner, for the record), he would not "come clean" about his active bi lifestyle. We have not spoken since the breakup, yet a professional matter forced us to correspond recently and he brought the subject up. He wants to know "what happened." He says he misses me and is confused about why I bailed. The letter I left behind did NOT reference the bisexuality. At the point that I left, I was worn out and just done, and since I was leaving did not see the need to address it. Since I left, I have missed him greatly. He has, apparently, missed me as well. We got along quite well together and he was amazing with my kids. Anyway, I digress.

What I don't know and what has been making me crazy is that I don't know if he could not be forthright with me due to his fears, or if he enjoys sneaking around. This has kept me from getting the closure I need, and it also kept us from staying together. I have the opportunity this weekend to sit down with him, face to face (at his request) and explain what happened. I intend to go in with both barrels. I want either an explanation / admission so I can move on, or the same, so we can forge a new relationship. I am more than willing to be his primary partner IF he can be honest and open with me, so that I know I am protected, both physically and emotionally. This is a 47 year old man who has hidden this part of himself from the world his entire life. Kid gloves needed.

And this is where you fine people come in. For you bi-men out there with a female primary - or vice versa - whoever may have been in this situation before - how do I get him to know that he can trust me? That my care is unconditional? I have to at least attempt this one last time. Now that we are apart, I have nothing to lose. Advice welcome, please. And thank you!

And if you think I am batshit crazy for attempting this conversation for a 2nd time and expecting a different result, please tell me that as well. Although inmy defense, this is not just a trust issue. This is years of suppression. He may need therapy, lol -

[void()]

Aside from telling them you love them and asking for open honest communication, I do not have much else advise. If it is meant to be it will, if not it will not. Good luck.

[tenni]

Hi
Just to clarify.
You left him because he wouldn't be open about being a bisexual with you and you are a bisexual woman?

You wrote a letter giving other reasons as to why you left him? What were the other reasons if I'm not being to brazen?

[elian]

Has he moved on in the time since you broke up? You both want closure, there is nothing crazy about that, but if you go into this meeting with a "chip on your shoulder" then you both may end up leaving disappointed, frustrated or angry. You should be as clear as you can be, but not destructive. I can't tell you whether or not "getting back together" is the best thing.

[Gearbox]

I don't get it! He probably doesn't either.

1.You never had full disclosure with him, yet you miss him greatly.
2.Your attempts to get full disclosure wore you out and made you leave, yet that's the very first thing you intend to repeat with him.

it doesn't sound as if his FD really matters that much, but you think it should. You think it's disrespectful and as a partner it should not be tolerated, or you'd feel guilty somehow.
You both miss each other and want to be with each other. Could that be enough?
You might find that he will be ready to open up about his sexuality when you stop inadvertently given HUGE signals that it's a big deal.
Just be happy!:)

[Emunahd]

Hi
Just to clarify.
You left him because he wouldn't be open about being a bisexual with you and you are a bisexual woman?

You wrote a letter giving other reasons as to why you left him? What were the other reasons if I'm not being to brazen?

Hi, tenni. Yes. And yes, he knows I am bi. He had started being very evasive about spending time with me, and one day he said he did not want to see me that weekend as he wanted alone time, and I just snapped. The reason I gave was that I was tired of being last on the list, short version. This was about 2 months after our conversation that I know he is bi and I support him but he has to be honest with me - and he still denied it. I was hoping he would learn to trust me enough to come clean, so I waited a bit after the initial conversation, but it never happened.

I think he is a very confused man in his own head, and for some reason I am having a hard time letting go. I have had so many close friends and fammily who wre just devastated when they came out, and some who went to the grave hiding it. I care enough about him to want to be there for him, but only he can do that. Chalk me up to being a "hot mess."

[Emunahd]

I don't get it! He probably doesn't either.

1.You never had full disclosure with him, yet you miss him greatly.
2.Your attempts to get full disclosure wore you out and made you leave, yet that's the very first thing you intend to repeat with him.

it doesn't sound as if his FD really matters that much, but you think it should. You think it's disrespectful and as a partner it should not be tolerated, or you'd feel guilty somehow.
You both miss each other and want to be with each other. Could that be enough?
You might find that he will be ready to open up about his sexuality when you stop inadvertently given HUGE signals that it's a big deal.
Just be happy!:)

Good point. We will see. Thanks for the reality check.

[Emunahd]

Has he moved on in the time since you broke up? You both want closure, there is nothing crazy about that, but if you go into this meeting with a "chip on your shoulder" then you both may end up leaving disappointed, frustrated or angry. You should be as clear as you can be, but not destructive. I can't tell you whether or not "getting back together" is the best thing.

He has not moved on. Neither have I, lol, although I dated a little bit. Obviously there are many layers to the situation. I just wanted some direction on communicating without sounding threatening. At the very least, he may need a friend.

[Realist]

You've both had some time to think and decide what you really need and want. Apparently, the split was made without each of you being able to lay your cards on the table. I'd think this is the time to share exactly how you both feel, then decide if there's enough love and compatibility for you both to make a go of it.

You should be brutally honest and don't leave anything out, this time. He apparently doesn't understand why you left, nor does he understand that you love him enough to honor his bisexuality.

I think you really do love him and he seems to love you, too, or he probably would not be talking to you, now.

Best of luck to you and I hope things turn out for the best.

[tenni]

Hi Emundad
I sense from your second post that you do love him and it will be sad if the two of you can not reach agreement.

If that happens it is unfortunate but some loves are not long term. I get the impression that you believe that he doesn't value you as much as you want. Without knowing him or more about him, he may need time to be on his own at times. It may be more often than you are use to. The problem seems to be the feeling of not being valued and boundaries imo. You accept his bisexuality but not his need to keep that to himself more than you want him to.

If you haven't consider this, why not try to reach some rules for his bisexual behaviour? Will you accept him being with a man on his own? Will he have to tell you the details? Will you expect him to tell you when he is going to be with a man? Is there any give and take on your expectations as to how he lives as a bisexual man that may differ from your own way to live as a bisexual?

I wish the two of you well whether it is together or separate.

[FunE1]

Hmmm.

So you intend to go in "with both barrels" and expect "either an explanation /admission". Yet you weren't fully honest with him about why you left?

I'd suggest going in with an apology and an open heart as you tell him where you were with your thinking then and where you are now. Then see where he's at...

And keep in mind, it's less important what happened in the past; focus on what you both would like for now and the future and then work on how you're going to create THAT relationship AND maintain it open, honestly, lovingly, etc.

Best of luck!

[elian]

Yes, sorry I yelped at you Emunahd, all I was trying to say is try to meet with an open heart, not an angry heart..whatever happens I hope that you both find healing.

[stu.gottz]

Question, you said you know he is bi, how? Did he tell you? Did you see him with another man? Or is it just a suspicion, a sense? It's a big difference. If it is not something he mentioned or acknowledged even in passing than it is not something he may have\be comfortable with discussing especially not in a confrontational manner. Since it appears that you both care deeply for each other and you appear to be considering resuming the relationship...

Demands, no matter what they are, how well intentioned they are or how valid they may seem are never well received by anyone. So the whole both barrels thing is probably not going to end well for anyone concerned. My suggestion is honesty. Be honest with him about how you feel about him. If your love is conditional tell him so. Tell him honesty matters more than anything else to you. Tell him that you love him, all of him. Ask him if there is anything he wants to tell you. Explain your concerns. Explain how you have come to the conclusion that he may be bisexual and that if he is it is either acceptable or not. If he denies and you suspect he is doing so out of habit, respect the habit.

Habit's are hard to break. They take time and patience to do so. If his habit has been to hide his sexuality you can't honestly expect him to change that habit overnight because you want him to. My wife smokes, I used to smoke. I hate that she still does and she knows it. But I can't force her to quit by threatening her or demanding that she do so. His habit is the same thing you can only be supportive and prod for honesty (change of habit) but you either live with it or you don't. You work on it or you don't.

[Emunahd]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. How we got to this place is a long story. Good news is, we have written each other letters (we both communicate better through writing) and he has (finally) come out of his closet and is willing to sit down with me and discuss creating our own dynamic. Stu - I found his liasions (he was hosting and cruising) on his computer once while I was using it (with permission). I knew he was bi, he just denied being active, even with evidence to hand.

I always wanted to be in relationship with him, and allow him to express himself bisexually as long as I knew he was keeping me safe. And, if I got really lucky, maybe I could play, too. I am a sucker for 2 men together. Anyway, he never would admit it due to his own trust issues so I finally got tired of it and left. That being said, we were very close and compatible other than this one thing. I am nervous and excited to sit down and see what we come up with. After all, nobody can tell anyone what makes a relationship other than the people who are in it.

Elian, you did NOT yelp at me. I always appreciate candor, and tenni, as always, you rock. Fun and Realist, thank you for your wise words as well. It has been a tough road and even if we don't "get the band back together" I will know I gave it my all, and so did he.