Coming out to parents and other family

[Original_hobbit]

I need some honest advice on how to approach my parents about my sexuality. I'm 20, soon to be 21, and I realized I was bisexual at 15 years old. At that point, I told most of my friends, but I still haven't told my parents, which is part of the reason I'm posting at such a late hour (well, late in California anyway). The reason I'm asking this is that my parents think I might be gay, and they don't seem to like that idea very much. My question is: How do I even begin to tell my parents that I'm bisexual? Most of my reluctance is to do with fear, but also because I can't find the right words to say. I don't even know how to begin this conversation with them, or how to try and explain it in a way that makes them believe that I'm not just out for attention, or just going through a phase.

[Brian]

It is tough to know when to come out - so complex. I did it much later, at 35. So at that age I wasn't concerned with anyone looking at it as "a phase".

I had the fortune of knowing the late Dr. Fritz Klein - a world renowned expert on bisexuality - and an outstanding practising therapist. I mentioned to him in passing that I was getting ready to come out and was nervous and he asked me a very good question with regards to my parents and the rest of my family. He asked, "What are you afraid of? What is the worst thing that you think might happen when you tell them?" It is a very good question to ask, I think. In my case the answer was, "Well I don't think much bad would really happen at all. And if someone does react badly, it is their problem really, I don't particularly care at this point." But in your case maybe the answer is a bit different.

Hopefully someone wiser than I can help further. I hope this helps at least a little bit.

- Drew :paw:

[Brian]

An additional thought... I was a little worried about how people would react to me coming out as "bisexual" versus "gay". I thought this might confuse them and they would ask me all sorts of questions that I wasn't sure I even knew the answers to. Like "So do you date men and women?", "Do you date women but sleep with men? Or date men but sleep with women?", and so on. So I guess that was one of my fears - being asked a fairly intimate, but perhaps still fair, question that I didn't know the answer to myself. But it was an irrational fear. If anyone had those questions they decided to keep them to themselves. I think everyone instinctively understands that human sexuality can be a pretty complicated thing. And if they ask a question you are not comfortable answering then that is a pretty good answer, "human sexuality can be a pretty complicated thing".

- Drew :paw:

[Original_hobbit]

Yes, this is one of my biggest concerns, the idea that they won't understand. Verbally, I am not very good with voicing all of my thoughts and opinions, so I am afraid of coming off as more ignorant of the subject than I truly am. There's also the fact that I am currently unemployed and relying on them for nearly everything, so I'm certain that I wouldn't be able to handle it if they were to react negatively. I want to keep my family close, and coming out might make that impossible. At the same time, I don't enjoy keeping such an important aspect of myself a secret from them. As you can see, this is a moral dilemma for me. However, I do have the slight advantage of being female, I know that men who are bisexual have much less success when it comes to acceptance and understanding.

[*pan*]

my personal expirence says my sexuality is on a need to know basis, i do not hide it but yet i do not advertise it. i never discussed my children's sexuality with them because i figured it was personal and their choice. and in turn they never brought it up. if one is out about their sexuality then they are subject to all the narrow minded bigots who would choose to pick on them for whatever reason so why would i choose to do that. also not to mention like jobs and positions that one would be refused by people who are secretly bigots, who don't understand or care and there are a lot out their, (" who knows what evil lurks in the minds of men "). the more people that know, the more people that will talk amongst each other pretty soon everyone knows and is judging you not by who you are but by your sexuality. this is why i am not out to anyone who dose not need to know. but this is just my choice. i won't lie if asked, but not going to stick my head out there to be cut off either. this is just my opinion and my :2cents: :flag3:

[fredtyg]

I'm one who doesn't feel anyone has an obligation to come out to anyone.

In your case, since your parents already suspect you're gay, perhaps it would set their minds at ease by just telling them you're not gay but are sexually interested in both men and women. If they don't accept or understand that, it might make for a fun conversation trying to explain it to them.

[Herculoid Poirot]

I agree with many of the points already made. You must feel comfortable with yourself. When I was a little older than you I told everyone I felt i should tell and after that I adopted an 'if asked, then tell' policy, which worked very well for me.

I felt a need to tell my parents as I didn't want to be living any kind of lie around them or dodging awkward questions. In the end, I wrote them a note (I was angry at the time, so it was probably incoherent) saying that I was bi. We never really talked about it afterwards but I know that they were relieved when I married a woman!

I think that, for myself anyway, it was important to point out that I truly WAS bi, and not just trying to softening people up for the truth.

It's also important to be aware of the fact that sexuality is fluid and the way you feel know is not necessarily the way you will feel when you are older. I am living testament to the fact that the needle on the bi-meter can sway over time!

[Original_hobbit]

The primary reason I want to tell them is to put their minds at ease, I have already told them that I'm not gay, the hard part is telling them that I'm not straight. I'm also not enjoying the fact that one day, I will very likely want to introduce them to a woman I'm dating. I want to make this sort of thing much less awkward for everyone involved.

[LastGent]

I'm on the *pan* and fredtyg train, here. The only person who has the right to know what your sexual orientation is, is a potential sex partner. If someone (your parents) doesn't want to have sex with you, or want to watch, then it's none of their business. If your parents get too nozy, then ask them if you can snoop through their thong collection or something. See how they like it.

[Brian]

I'm on the *pan* and fredtyg train, here. The only person who has the right to know what your sexual orientation is, is a potential sex partner.

I think there is a certain point with some people ...I know I reached that point, and I think hobbit might be there too, maybe, maybe not... when not telling becomes a burden, a barrier between you and loved ones. In short, the closet starts to become a giant wall with no door. It becomes such a big lie (even though it may just be a lie of omission) that it eats away at family relationships. Sometimes that is what starts to happen.

I think I have said this before on the forums... I think people could get phds for the next 100 years focusing on the issue of the closet and coming out of it. It is such a very complex topic. Otherwise together and super-successful people can become wrecks just contemplating it.

You're on the right track hobbit. Weigh the diverse opinions you will get from this site into your thinking. Best of luck to you. I am confident that whatever you decide and when you you decide it, you will be just fine in the long run.

- Drew :paw:

[RavenEye]

I still have yet to come out to my family. And I disagree with a lot of people here. I think that others should know because you don't want them to find out through the grape vine that your dating the same sex. HOWEVER, my case is a little different. My whole family are bible thumpers. Even though they make up their own beliefs. *sigh* Anywho I have decided to just let it all out on April 15. Over FaceBook. People may say "You should make it a more personal conversation." And to them I say: You don't know my family. I already know some may denounce me. I already know that my father will call me screaming at me telling me I'm going to hell. But honestly I don't care, I refuse to be a product of other people. :)

[*pan*]

i would get their impression some how on whether or not they feel gay is gay, some think bisexuals are just gays lyeing or can't accept being gay. many straight won't listen and say if you like men then your gay and it dosent matter that you like woman too.

[elian]

Hmm, well I like to think things through, almost too much at times so if they were currently my only source of support I might hesitate to tell them until I was sure that I could support myself independently. On the other hand if they already wonder if you're not straight then that presents a sort of opportunity.

You know your parents better than anyone here, do you think they would love you anyway, or would they seriously withdraw their support?

I grew up in a rural area, my parents have always used derogatory language calling people "queer" and such, but I think they know or at least suspect I'm not quite like other boys (meh, at 35). They've never said "we DON'T love you". If they ever asked me the direct question I wouldn't lie, but they don't ask, and in the vain of the other responses here I don't volunteer any information.

..I just noticed that you said "and other family" - folks in older generations may not be as accepting as people in your immediate family or your own generation.

It does seem like the last "lie" that I keep, and eventually I'm just not going to care who knows, but my employer is also very conservative, I like my job, so there is another potential issue. I think Drew is right, it gets kind of awkward to show up at family functions without a date.

It's a funny, and sort of sad thing here, people in this area seem OK with the fact that you're "gay" unless you do anything to rub it in their face. At some point I'll just need to get over that I suppose, because there's no sense in living JUST to make everyone ELSE happy..

If you do decide to come out just make sure you have a back-up plan, in case it doesn't go so well.

If there is already stress in your relationship with your parents because of anything else then this will likely just add to that. Unless they are already 100% certain, your parents will almost certainly go through an adjustment period. They may have to come to terms with what they envisioned for you before vs. what is now reality. Hopefully they will remember that you are still the same person they knew before you came out.

[slipnslide]

Be clear with yourself on why you you think you need to tell them now. What do you hope to accomplish?

I haven't told my family because there is nothing to be gained. Now I'm watching a friend who went through the whole coming out thing, went from bi to gay, told everyone, made a big deal of it, now he wants to be with a woman but he's afraid of what people will think.

[Original_hobbit]

I do come from a religious family. I was raised as a Christian and I have never had an earnest conversation with my parents about any kind of sexuality. I know that they probably would react negatively to me coming out, but, as Drew said, lying to them (even lying by omission) is not something that I enjoy doing. It could even hurt them more than telling them the truth would.

To Elian, the "other family" in this case is my grandmother, with whom I am very close. I have given this a lot of thought and they are some of the only people on my "must tell" list.

I appreciate all of the advice, it's turning out to be much more helpful than I had envisioned.

[elian]

It's not an easy choice. Growing up in my teens I used to pray to God, "Why did you make me this way?" Through innate feelings, experiences and environment I was given a big "push" in the LGBT direction. To make a long story short, I do believe that "being gay" was supposed to be a part of my life, I believe that I was given the (sometimes painful) gift of an open mind. No matter what happens you are worthy of the same love and respect as any other part of creation.

[Original_hobbit]

That is a situation I can definitely relate to. I never even knew it was possible to be bisexual until I was 14. The discovery eventually led to my realization, and I tortured myself over it. In my eyes, at the time, women were only supposed to like men. I as never taught that sexuality wasn't a black and white thing, and I had to come to that realization myself, it took quite a while. But, I've always been more open-minded than most of my family, and I pulled through.

[Herculoid Poirot]

I also prayed to God to make me stop liking guys when I was about, maybe, 10 years old. It didn't work, I'm still here, bi as ever!

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Maybe if you come as gay they wouldn't be so harsh on you, or to surprised. You said they already think that you are gay, so why not come out as gay.

[Original_hobbit]

Well, the answer to this question should be obvious, but I'll give it to you anyway. The reason I do not come out as gay to them is because I'm not gay. I also want to be honest with them about my sexuality, and that wouldn't be honest. There's also the the fact that I've already told them that I'm not gay, several times.

[keladry]

I just wanted to share a couple things. I'm a 22 year old who's been trying to come out to my parents for a while. When I was younger my parents told me repeatedly that it was okay if I was gay... they really thought I was gay until my first college boyfriend last year. At the same time they would say really hurtful bigoted things about bisexuals any time they came up in the media (which isn't often, but it did happen a few times over the years).

I started just by talking about LGBT issues more and then by talking about things like Bi invisibility with them. And then I told my mom not to be shocked if I came home with a woman sometime, because that was probably going to happen some day. My mom just said that she thought that it's easy to consider dating women when all the nice men are gay. Basically she pretended not to hear what I was telling her. Even after I said that I found women attractive too, she still looked at it like me being frustrated with the choice of available men. I know this isn't the most inspirational thing to tell you, but this was my approach and I guess it wasn't that successful... but at the same time I think I'll just keep telling them things and eventually they'll ask for clarification. Or I'll start dating a woman and then I'll tell them, I'm dating a woman. Heh.

I wish you the best of luck and I think coming out is a really really good thing and that we all should do it. I know this is not a stance that's really agreed upon by everyone here, but it is one I hold. Coming out, being visible, it's what changes people's minds about our love being a sin. We won't change everyone's mind of course, but I know several people who were anti-gay until their best friend told them they were gay, or their brother came out as transgendered. Not to mention the fact that being in the closet isn't good for *us*. I agree with what's been said by Drew. It's awful in the closet. Anyway. Good luck, be strong. And I think you're being brave and wonderful for progressing on this step.

[LastGent]

Thanks for the response, Drew. I have not had this closet burden feeling that you went through. I basically live in a slum-twice as many folk live in the house than what it was designed for. Such cramped conditions are a bit stressful and the house is so small that you can hear everything going on anywhere. We deal with this by living in our own private universe bubbles, keeping ourselves to ourselves, ignoring suggestive noises in the night, and what might be happening on the other side of the couch (except nose picking. ZERO tolerance for that). We don't talk about things that might fall under Unique-to-an-Individual-Stuff, just general things we can all agree on, like what movie to watch, and one never pries into U.t.a.I.S. Such tactlessness would create more of a scandal than being found fucking on the kitchen table. My family's rather Victorian in this respect-so long as the Weird Shit you're doing isn't being flaunted no one will bother about it. So I have never understood the whole closet thing.

[Original_hobbit]

Keladry, my parents have done the same. They told me they wouldn't care if I was gay (and other similar things), and at the same time, say some unkind things about bisexuals. My father even once told me that he thinks that it isn't possible to be bisexual. This is one of the main causes of my apprehension about coming out.

[fredtyg]

They told me they wouldn't care if I was gay (and other similar things), and at the same time, say some unkind things about bisexuals. My father even once told me that he thinks that it isn't possible to be bisexual.

Then how about just saying something such as, "Maybe I am gay, but that wouldn't explain why I think (insert name of good looking girl your parents know here) is totally hot!"

I've used that same sort of line myself when accused of being homosexual.

[Original_hobbit]

So, going half by some of your suggestions and half by what my stressed out brain came up with, I think I have a solid plan! I've even got the date picked out. Now all I need to do is practice.

[slipnslide]

I still don't completely get this "coming out" idea. I struggle to think of an another single facet of who I am that warrants a proclamation. It is a curious trait of our society. If you're "normal", that's fine, no need to say anything. But if you're gay or bi you must wear the scarlet letter. It's like having to confess a sin. Maybe that contributes to it continuing to be a big deal. What else is there where the rule is "if you're x do nothing, if you're y, you must confess it"

[Original_hobbit]

At this point it's more for their convenience then it is for mine, but, at the same time, I feel like it's a road I need to cross with them. So it's not really a "must" but it's sort of a rite of passage.

[Brian]

So, going half by some of your suggestions and half by what my stressed out brain came up with, I think I have a solid plan! I've even got the date picked out. Now all I need to do is practice. Best of luck Original!! Your plan sounds a bit like what I did... I picked a Saturday morning and made a whole bunch of phone calls one after another and did it.

- Drew :paw:

[slipnslide]

Best of luck Original!! Your plan sounds a bit like what I did... I picked a Saturday morning and made a whole bunch of phone calls one after another and did it.

- Drew :paw:

And what did you say to everyone? Was anyone confused as to why you felt you needed to tell them?

[elian]

Well in my case I would hope that it would clear up to my parents the reason why they keep trying to fix me up with a "nice girl" and none of those have worked out. Actually, some of them were very nice, but also very religious and I just didn't feel like explaining myself to an otherwise nice person who might take offense at my desire for men.

I would KNOW whether or not it's OKAY to bring a boyfriend over to visit or if I still have to sit there and look pretty ALONE at family functions.

Also, I was sort of hoping that once they knew I was bi they would stop using the words gay, queer, etc. so much in a bad way.

[csreef]

I hope this doesn't come out as being blunt, or cold, but it's your life, if you don't feel comfortable being out to your friends and family, don't tell anyone.

The only people that I've told I'm Bi to are a very select friends, just because they are open and understand.

If you hadn't guessed it, Yes, I grew up in a very conservative, repressed, Protestant, non sex positive family :-(

[fredtyg]

I believe Hobbit has written that, although he feels uncomfortable with outing himself, he'd feel even more uncomfortable maintaining the current situation. If it makes him feel better about himself or the situation, that's what coming out is all about.

I've wrote earlier here that I'm one who doesn't think anybody should feel an obligation to out themselves to anyone else. However, some of us, for whatever reasons, feel the need to do so. It's pretty much an individual choice. Each to their own, as I see it.

[slipnslide]

I still think this is rooted in the idea that people are supposed to out themselves as a social convention - think of the negative connotation surrounding "the closet". The discomfort stems from not adhering to this expectation. Again, try to name another single facet of yourself that you are expected to confess.

[MarieDelta]

You should check out PFLAG, they have lots of great resources and not just for lesbian and gay people, but for bisexual and transgender folks (http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=268) It's also good to be able to give your parents (and other family) support after you tell them and PFLAG is really good for that, too.

[fredtyg]

Again, try to name another single facet of yourself that you are expected to confess.

And you have to wonder why? After all, this has to do with one's personal sexual preferences. Seems to me that should be mostly a private matter.

I'll have to admit I have mixed feelings about Pride parades, and such. They certainly have their purpose but, if I were to participate in such a parade, I'd essentially be walking down the street with a sign on my head saying, "I like to suck cock". Is that something meant for viewing by the general public?

I realize many people on the receiving end of an outing- the people you're outing yourself to- don't think of that when you tell them you're bi or homosexual. But that is pretty much what you're saying so why is it expected that you should bare all and out yourself to anyone, much less everyone.

[MarieDelta]

IF it is a a sexual matter and only that , then what's the point?

But it isn't for some of us, it's a matter of the heart. It's who we want to hold hands with while walking down the street, it's who we want to kiss goodbye at the airport, who we want to be at our side when we are hurt or sick.

When we have pride it's a matter of being proud of who we love, not ashamed of our love for them. It's not letting straight society dictate to us who we should be in love with and partnered to. Pride is about telling the world that we love who we love, and they (and their expectations) can't stop it.

Anyways that's my two cents...

[elian]

With respect to pride events, there's more than just flamboyant parades that go on there, there's education, shopping, music, food. I've always made a point of staying out of focus of the news cameras but I've sat in the middle of the local pride festival and felt perfectly happy, not because people there were checking out my cock, but because i knew the people around me were mostly friendly and accepted diversity...

I always usually see at least one editorial in the paper that says, "I really don't care that they are gay, but why do they have to make such a big deal out of it??" The answer is for the many LGBT people who feel isolated, so that they know they are NOT alone..if one LGBT teen sees that festival and decides that maybe they really CAN live it's not such a bad thing..

[slipnslide]

The answer is for the many LGBT people who feel isolated, so that they know they are NOT alone..if one LGBT teen sees that festival and decides that maybe they really CAN live it's not such a bad thing..

In some regards these events run counter to that idea. They put up walls and say "we're not like everyone else so we need special events for ourselves". That can reenforce that teen's concept of being isolated. Us vs them.

[elian]

Yes, I can also see your point..I agree that it SHOULDN'T matter if someone has feelings of attraction for the same sex.. I hope that I will be blessed enough to see that day in my lifetime.

[Brian]

I still think this is rooted in the idea that people are supposed to out themselves as a social convention - think of the negative connotation surrounding "the closet". The discomfort stems from not adhering to this expectation. Again, try to name another single facet of yourself that you are expected to confess. I disagree somewhat with that and similar points made by others. I can't speak for the original poster, hobbit, but in my case I never felt any outside pressure at all. It was strictly an internal thing. And I think for a lot people it becomes like that - that not telling simply becomes as bad as telling a big lie and you can't bear to tell a big lie to those who are close to you any longer.

I mean I understand what you are saying, and I understand that a lot of other bi folks look at it as you do. I just think it is a mistake to suggest to someone who is thinking of coming out that they may just be reacting to outside pressure and therefor they should resist that pressure and not come out. I think for many bisexuals thinking of coming out it is not a matter of outside pressure at all.

- Drew :paw:

[sammie19]

I disagree somewhat with that and similar points made by others. I can't speak for the original poster, hobbit, but in my case I never felt any outside pressure at all. It was strictly an internal thing. And I think for a lot people it becomes like that - that not telling simply becomes as bad as telling a big lie and you can't bear to tell a big lie to those who are close to you any longer.

I mean I understand what you are saying, and I understand that a lot of other bi folks look at it as you do. I just think it is a mistake to suggest to someone who is thinking of coming out that they may just be reacting to outside pressure and therefor they should resist that pressure and not come out. I think for many bisexuals thinking of coming out it is not a matter of outside pressure at all.

- Drew :paw:

I can't speak for all bisexuals, only myself and from experience of others I know. I never had any external pressure to come out. Any that was there was purely inside of me and that was very little. Being a secret bisexual girl who was going to put the pressure on me? The nearest pressure I ever felt from outside was a lesbian girl who said I should come out and would feel better about myself for doing so, but only when I felt ready and confident enough to face the world openly.

It was taken out of my hands in the end and someone outed me, but from my point of view most of the pressure which I experienced was the world around me telling me to stay firmly locked away in the closet.

[Emotional Masochist]

First I want to just say: Good luck hobbit. I hope everything works out for you.

Now i just have to say that i am considering the same thing. I want to tell my parents about who I am. Its not really for them, but for me. I can hide who i am with. I can pretend it doesn't matter, but if my mother asks me about who i am dating i don't want to lie. I want to bring them by the house and have them meet her. I have been a coward for quite a while. I had an experience a little while ago where my brother convinced my father i was gay. He came out attacking me about it, and instead of using it as an opportunity to tell him the truth i exploded at him for being an idiot and listening to my retard brother. after this awkward moment i kind of retreated into my own head about it. Never spoke to him or them about it. my mother is sweet and would be understanding if a little shocked, but i am still not sure how my dad will take it. I have been opening up who I people like my best friends mom (my other mother:bigrin:) and am hoping to work up the courage to talk with my parents. I am thinking of talking to my mother and seeing if she can help me talk to my father.

[Original_hobbit]

There's definitely no external pressure for me to come out, it's just something I feel like I have to do. And I agree that it shouldn't be something that people need to confess, I want this to be completely unnecessary, but at this point in time, it's not.

[elian]

Good luck, hopefully they have prepared themselves at least a little by contemplating the idea that you "are gay" .. :)