THOUGHTS ON MY POETRY

[*pan*]

ONLY A DREAM :

I'll start by exploring, those gentile ears.
the little flowers, those thing that hear.

so soft and round, and so far apart.
that transfers my wispers, straight to your heart.

from there I'll travel, down that graceful line.
down to your neck that is ever so fine.

while kissing you there, you show your emotions.
by then you will sense all of my notions.

but then it's too late, to stop my advance.
as your body quivers, and your heart starts to dance.

by this time I know, it's all in my mind.
for I haven't seen you, for such a long time.

I was just dreaming, about a long time ago.
as I wake from my sleep, and wish for you so.....

BY: PAN /|\

YOUR EYES

your eyes are like mirrors, that reach from your soul.
so beautiful and caring, yet daring and bold.

with lashes as delicate, as butterfly wings.
reflecting emotions and passions, among other things.

they reflect the fire of your anger, and the joy in your heart.
the lonlyness and sadness, when we're apart.

they read like a story, with all to be told.
of a heart full of kindness, always warm never cold.

they tell me of things,deep inside your mind.
like a map to your heart, thats so easy to find.

so you need not explain, or utter a word.
for youR EYES already told me, my eyes listened and heard.

BY: PAN /|\

Can anyone give me some input or ideas on my writings, comments or even constructive critisim welcome.

[tenni]

Hi Pan
I liked the first poem better than the second. It communicated and resonated with me more. I would say that your first poem speaks more about a more universal experience or at least one that I could identify with. Some may like the second poem's last line but I found mixing of the senses a bit distracting. The first poem's last sentence was very communicative.

I do write and I am published but my work deals with the arts(reviews, analysis, exhibition essays, etc.). I always have someone edit my work before submitting it to any publication. Even then publications have their own "editors" and they can be thorough and tough. Always use a spell check. There is one spelling error.

Keep writing as I think that you do have something to say that is worthy. Again, I'm not really a poet and so you may dismiss my thoughts.

[void()]

One day I will kill couplets. Until then, ta.


Not Nash

You are truly and undoubtedly not Nash.
One lacking skill bows before a master.
The marble hulks before us, a wretched monolith.

Please, quit trembling and flailing in the mash.
In the artisan hand a chisel through stone moves faster.
Down Big Easy they find me sitting quiet in a bar, nursing a fifth.

Your schism causes my poppet's head to upon rocks dash.
Hidden in shadow hues of delight, a fool becomes a spell caster.
As the tale unwinds it becomes clear, more exists to words than a rift.

Surely, more I could teach but it would involve too much cash.

bkb 01/28/2012


Apologies. Thoughts on your poetry: too forced, too lyrical, too rhythmic.

Couplets are not a bad thing really, save for being over done. I agree love should be addressed and expressed lightly. That does not mean it should be fluff. Then again, I'm an old heavy guy. Your work is likely far better than I can see.

[*pan*]

thank you for your comments, as i read them both and am learning from what you have said. i am always learning, and looking for what ever i have that i might expand on. i believe we all have hidden talents that never get any constructive criticism and if there is none then one will never know, thanks again for your comments. :bipride:

[Herculoid Poirot]

no matter what anyone might think about your poetry, you've done the two hardest things a writer (or poet) can do: you wrote from the heart, and then you put it out there for people to see. It's hard; kudos to you for that.

If I had suggestions, the first would be to watch for spelling errors (gentile, wispers) which will distract from the work. Then I would encourage you to step away from the rhyming couplets, as they are something of a cliche. Finally, keep writing.

[dafydd]

no matter what anyone might think about your poetry, you've done the two hardest things a writer (or poet) can do: you wrote from the heart, and then you put it out there for people to see. It's hard; kudos to you for that.

If I had suggestions, the first would be to watch for spelling errors (gentile, wispers) which will distract from the work. Then I would encourage you to step away from the rhyming couplets, as they are something of a cliche. Finally, keep writing.

Yes don't stop, even if you don't like what ur writing, keep writing and writing. After a while cut 90% of anything that isn't amazing and repeat process, until you have your work.

spelling 'errors' are a very useful device in poetry if you're using them deliberately.

[darkeyes]

Even the greatest poets write shit verse hun... being Scots, my favourite poet is Rabbie Burns, and some of his verse is decidedly clunky, even allowing for the fact it is often written in Scots.. and when they do write owt brill, it is rarely just off the top of their heads in one perfect infinished piece.. it is usually worked on and played with to get it just so.. it isnt what the world thinks of what you write, it is what it brings out of your soul..

Rhyme can be and is a wonderful thing.. but free verse, where the poetry flows, and even on occasion seems not to, rather than rhymes, is the kind of poetry I have always loved best.. from free verse we can truly express what our deepest and innermost emotion and passion is about and enables us to say things that rhyme cant quite match..

Never be afraid of criticism.. the fact that you have asked the question here is evidence that you're not, but that you want to learn and be better.. but whatever and however you write, do it as it feels right to you, allow it to flow freely from your heart and mind... not everyone will like it... but when it comes to poetry, like music, it is something that is an outpouring of the soul.. so who cares??? You haven't written it for them...

[Herculoid Poirot]

spelling 'errors' are a very useful device in poetry if you're using them deliberately.

You think Pan is going for an e.e. cummings thing? ;)

Hist whist!

[*pan*]

thanks again everyone and will have to give the free flow type a try, i see it all the time written by bards but for me is hard to grasp. i know what i feel but is hard to put into words that would free flow like i have read from others, some of it i read just sounds like a story or a mood, while others have a music of it's own, some i read is just sounds like un amtching phrases and felelings without sometimes even making any sense. will have to look deeper i guess. when i was a child we used to read and study poetry by henery wadsworth longfellow. maybe thats my problem. kinda stuck there and the world passed me by lol. thanks again i am learning, and maby one day i'll learn to spell too :eek: lol:bipride: