boyfriend just came out to me...need HELP!!!

[redhedd]

Hey all. My boyfriend and I have been having issues lately with getting into fights. About a month ago I was talking about getting a short haircut. He responded saying he didn't want to be dating a butch lesbian. Being bisexual, something he's known for three years, this comment really hurt me. Then two days ago he came out to me as bi and said he was cruel because he was upset that he couldn't be himself and I can. And he didn't think I'd accept him for who he is. He's been taking things like this out on me for a year but seems to think that now that he's out all of our problems will go away. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Thanks

[NakedInSeattle]

I don't think all your problems are going away instantly but I gotta believe things will be better now that you two are on more of an even keel.

[NjbiGuy01]

Since you are bi, and he's admitted he believes he is as well, you clearly have the means to be the most accepting and understanding partner you can be and accept him. Help make his journey as smooth as possible. Hope you guys work it out.

[xercisecoach]

Glad to hear he finally had the courage to tell you... I think from all the stress he had built up inside him lead him to be a little abusive to you thru arguing but i do think that now you know he won't be as stressed, the arguments should subside, lets hope and things may move forward for the both of you.. Just make sure to keep in constant communication about this, be supportive as he has with you and allow him to move along on his journey...he may even be looking for a little guidance from you... give him a little push..

Best of luck to the both of you...

[swmnkdinthervr]

Being totally open with each other is the place to start if you want to grow a secure long term relationship. Even though he has finally unloaded this burden your continued open communication is what will put all the hurt, resentment and troubles behind you...and...it won't happen overnight.

[tightasyougo]

Hi all I can say communicate calmly and discuss each others needs and take it from there. Honest open communication is the key. Both be honest with each other and talk about how you both feel.:)

[keefer728]

What makes you people think that because they now agree on their sexual proclivities, that things will get better? Fact is, it can be hard living with someone no matter how they align themselves sexually. This open and honest thing is not a cure all to anything. Quite frankly, if your relationship is solely based on you being bisexual, not only are you as shallow as a puddle, but I'm not even sure what planet you live on. I just love the myraid of threads by people who just pop up on this site and start off with a question like this. No where, and not in a single one of them, do I remember the word RESPECT even being written out. I would only hope that before any relationship starts and the ideas of having sex with the same sex comes along, that a mutual respect for each other is fostered. Outside of that, I don't hold out hope for any relationship no matter what their sexual fancies are.

[newbiguy09]

I came out to my wife almost four years ago. Hiding it from myself and her put a lot of stress on me. Over time, that takes a lot out of someone. For me at least I still have some angry days where I don't feel like anyone around me knows what its like to be me.

I would think having a partner who understands what I was going through would help.

If you really care for the guy, you might give him some more time to come to grips with his "new" life.

Don't take that to mean you should be a punching bag physically or verbally though. If you sense things are getting a little better, give it some time.

Good luck.

[FinkDoodle]

I think you should get whatever haircut makes you comfortable . . .

[falcondfw]

I think he is on a "cruelty to cover" vibe.
But i also think that you have made a small breakthrough.
I think the fact that he will now share (somewhat) with you is important.
But I think that the fact that both of you still have issues that you cannot completely talk about is still a serious issue.
You can still succeed as a couple, but it will take serious work on both your parts.

[gaffer]

Did he , perhaps, want you to be a "girlie" girlfriend cos he was unsure or worried about his bisexuality? A female, bi, female friend of mine had a bi boyfriend and they often found that they could be in a bar or wherever and realise they both fancied the same people.
I think what I'm saying is that it took them a long time to be comfortable with their own and each others sexuality but they got there in the end because that's what they wanted. Your boyfriend finding out about his sexuality hasn't changed him has it? I guess he needs time to get used to his new "label".

[Jobelorocks]

Well I used to have a boyfriend who would say mean things about my appearance all the time. He would call me fat or flabby (I am 5'4" and at the time I weighed 115 lbs. which is skinny), he told me I looked like a 12 year old boy (I always had short hair, even when we started dating), and put me down about how I dressed and looked (mostly telling me I dressed too "flashy". I just liked dressing nice and yes I did get attention).

Later it came out that he put me down about my looks because he was overweight and was really self conscious about how he looked. He didn't want me to dress the way I did because he didn't want other men to be attracted to me. Plus he also wanted to have some control in his life and that defaulted to trying to control me through putting me down.

The problem with someone who behaves this way is even if they work on whatever is bothering them, they tend to go back to default mode and put you down once new issues in their lives arise. When he was frustrated with work, he would call me lazy. When he was frustrated with his family he would accuse me of having their faults.

It is really up to you to try to make things work. I would just be cautious. Being out doesn't make a relationship's problems go away magically.

[welickit]

Now that you are both "out" to each other, invite him to join this site so you can learn together and see that being bi doesn't make you glow in the dark. It would be interesting to hear his side of the story directly from him.