How do I come out to my wife? HELP

[greenthumb95]

I recently posted the forum "Am i bisexual, does my spouse suspect it.." and have decided to tell her..now i just need help in doing so..Any ideas?

[Long Duck Dong]

yes.... talk with her the same way you talk with her about other things... she is your partner...... treating her differently when you talk with her, is not a good idea.......

hands you the bisexuals check list...

1) what is the LGBT status of partner, are they openly supportive or opposed of LGBT

2) what is their understanding of other people with LGBT partners....

3) how good is your communication level with your partner, normally ?

4) how good is her aim with a cast iron frying pan

5) has she ever expressed a interest in using sex toys or 3somes ?

6) how heavy is the cast iron frying pan ?

7) do you feel like you can talk with your partner about being bisexual

8) does she had a shotgun instead of a frying pan.....


one of the biggest issues that face most people with coming out to their partners, is the fact that they have no idea how their partners will react as they have never really talked with them about issues concerning being bisexual or bisexuality in the past to get a idea of how safe it may be.......


so take a deep breath and use something as a opener, like " I have been having weird / erotic dreams of making love to you and you have a penis *
something / anything that gives a opening...... and based around your other posts, I would say you have a good chance of making a successful revelation to your partner and finding that she is supportive, loving and possibly interested in sharing experiences with you

[wm1809]

If I had it to do over again I definitely would NOT tell my wife

[keefer728]

If I had it to do over again I definitely would NOT tell my wife

You're a smart man. Preservation doesn't seem to be a common mentality here.

[MidMichCouple]

I have to agree with Duck, if you wanna tell her you need to sit down and talk to her, just like you would about anything else in life. I'm sure you have some idea what her thoughts are on bisexuality as a whole, go from there. Being married to her and knowing her better than anyone else you should have some idea what to expect. I sat my wife down about 10 years ago and told her and to my surprise she loves that I'm bi. I was scared as can be before the conversation but felt like a huge weight had been lifted after. Turns out she finds me being bi a huge turn on not only that she has looked at her own sexuality with a little more honesty and been very open to experimenting. She had a couple bi experiences when she was a teenager but thought it more of something as a passing phase, since she's realized it didn't pass she just buried it for a while as she's bi too. Our marriage has been stronger than ever before, not just because of the sexual aspect (though the sex is amazing) of it but being able to tell my wife I'm attracted to guys I can pretty much tell her anything so our communication is a lot better and it brought us closer together. In my case it's been amazing, there really is no other word for it. However, while my wife's reaction was the absolute best case scenario I have a couple friends who had bumpier roads when they told their wives. You could get lucky and she may already suspect it on some levels that will help with shock control. With my wife she had no idea, turns out I was better at hiding it than I thought I was. I applaud your decision to tell her and while knowing someone very well will sometimes allow you to gauge a reaction you just never know about something like this. Be honest with her and let her be honest with you in her reaction, then discuss it. Just bear in mind that she has the right to react in whatever way she sees fit and if she doesn't suspect it and is totally shocked you may get a completely emotional response then after that subsides you can talk rationally about it. Good luck to you

[Jobelorocks]

Silly us believing honesty is a virtue. (aren't you supposed to be a Christian Keefer? I don't know about your Church, but I was taught in my non-denominational Church growing up we needed to be honest and open with our spouses.)

Despite what is said in the above few posts, telling your spouse about your sexuality is a good thing. It may have positive or negative consequences (but many things in life that are good to do risk both positive and negative consequences). I am very glad that I came out to my husband. I was very scared of negative consequences, but I figured if I plan to spend my life with someone, they should know that I am bisexual.

You can start off in many ways, but what I think is most important is letting her know that your bisexuality does not change your love or devotion to her at all. Also that you are the same man now as you were before, she just knows one more thing about you.

You may have to dispel some common myths about bisexuality, so I think you should be prepared for that. Here is a link that may help you talk about some of these myths she may bring up http://www.uic.edu/depts/quic/bisandallies/myths.html .

I would wait for a time that you both have time to really sit down and talk. This certainly can be an emotionally charged conversation, try to be understanding with her emotions. Not much else I can say, but I wish you the best of luck and if you have specific questions feel free to ask.

[keefer728]

Take a moment and look at what I was responding too, Jobe. And while you're at it, get off your high horse.

[Jobelorocks]

I saw exactly what you were responding to. You were also trying to make a stab at those who think that we should be honest with our spouses. You were saying we don't value self-preservation. So when telling me to get off my high horse, you should look at yourself first.

[Realist]

Mid Mich, Your story is a remarkable one and one almost every bisexual would appreciate. Too bad that every relationship isn't that solid.

Apparently WM1809's experience wasn't as well received! He didn't say, but his being open apparently didn't turn out so well.

This leads to a question that has risen here many times...to tell, or not?

No one here, without knowing a person's heart, or mate, can really give that advice. Each of us deal with temptation in different ways...and for different reasons. But for me, cheating never lead to fulfillment.

The comment was made above, about self preservation. Each of us have our own consciences to deal with and we also have urges that run the gamut from mild to unbearable.

Because of my bad experience, I feel it is best, for me, to be open about it.

My present GF had no qualms about my bisexuality and accepted it, totally. Everyone responds differently to a loved one's coming out.

To get to the point, each of us have to do what we feel is best for us. I don't believe in browbeating anyone for doing what they feel is best for them, unless they are overtly cruel and mean-spirited about it.

But, be advised; if you do cheat and, are caught, it'll probably cause a lot of pain to not only your loved ones, but you, too.

Secrets and the shocks they can cause, rarely turn out happily!

[redone]

Don't

[DuckiesDarling]

Don't

that's very helpful....not.


He isn't asking our advice on whether he should or shouldn't he's asking how to do it.

[Bisexual Explorer]

Despite DD's correctly pointing out that "don't" doesn't answer the question, I suspect "whether" is part of what is being asked. So, here I go.

Sharing one's bisexuality with your spouse or significant other is the ideal.
But like so many other things in life, the ideal is not always attainable. Not every spouse or significant other is comfortable with their partner having sex outside the relationship regardless of the gender of the other party. And not every spouse or significant other is comfortable with their partner having sex with a person of the same gender. Think about Michelle Bachman's husband telling her he's bisexual and can't "pray the gay away."

We don't know your wife so it's hard to give explicit advice should you want to tell her. My only suggestion is make sure she believes, knows is not nearly strong enough, that your bisexuality is not a rejection of your love for her or your being sexual attracted to her. Before you go ahead, be prepared for a Michelle Bachman response. Good luck with this.

g

[Jobelorocks]

This guy has posted before and has come to the conclusion that coming out to his wife is right. If you read his last thread you would of seen he has already thought a lot about this and dealt with doubt, but he came to a conclusion of what he should do. Let us respect that and instead of telling him not to, give him the advice he is asking for...how to tell his wife.

[greenthumb95]

My issue in all of this is figuring out how to actually just do it. I have no idea what she wonders, as she makes teasing comments, but from the way she reacts when i confront her about the comments..it makes me think she doesnt suspect anything, or is in deep denial. I have also never actually had sex with a man, but have intense urges to. I am scared of telling her because i am afraid I will tell her, then find out i dont like it. I mean, all I really want to do is go down on a guy. She also has a very high stress job, and I dont want her to freak out about this, because we have a communication issue. One of us usually over reacts, and yea. I am stuck.

[Jobelorocks]

Well, there is never an easy way to go about telling your spouse. I would just read what LDD and I wrote before. You don't know how she will react until you tell her.

But as I have said many times, I think she suspects otherwise she would not have asked you in the past if you were gay. I think that she at least suspects you have an attraction to men.

[stu.gottz]

Just remember that ultimately what you wife will be hearing is that you want to have sex with other people! Think of Newt and his asking wife #2 for an open marriage. There are truly two separate issues involved in your discussion with your wife and one of them involves you making a decision.

First telling her you are attracted to men may make her want to run screaming from the room and from you, permanently. So decision once is, is it worth it losing her if she freaks out.

Second, assuming she does not freak out and is not repulsed by the concept of you being attracted to men is the question of her being freaked out by the concept of you wanting to have sex with other people. There is the very real possibility that she says she understands your sexuality and accepts you as you are but is not comfortable with you having sex with other people male or female.

[DuckiesDarling]

Despite DD's correctly pointing out that "don't" doesn't answer the question, I suspect "whether" is part of what is being asked. So, here I go.

Sharing one's bisexuality with your spouse or significant other is the ideal.
But like so many other things in life, the ideal is not always attainable. Not every spouse or significant other is comfortable with their partner having sex outside the relationship regardless of the gender of the other party. And not every spouse or significant other is comfortable with their partner having sex with a person of the same gender. Think about Michelle Bachman's husband telling her he's bisexual and can't "pray the gay away."

We don't know your wife so it's hard to give explicit advice should you want to tell her. My only suggestion is make sure she believes, knows is not nearly strong enough, that your bisexuality is not a rejection of your love for her or your being sexual attracted to her. Before you go ahead, be prepared for a Michelle Bachman response. Good luck with this.

g

I have said it before on here and I'm sure I'll say it again. I do believe the other person in a relationship deserves to know. Not telling them is like handing them a jigsaw puzzle with a lot of the crucial pieces missing and expecting them to complete a picture.

He has stated that he believes his wife thinks he is bisexual and there are varying responses to things as she does things like drink. So it is a tossup, but I believe if he does it carefully, as has been posted, and reassures her that he loves her and believes in their marriage they have a very good chance of making things work. They can spice up things in the bedroom with strapons and toys and work within the confines to see if that can satisfy his desires, if not then they need to talk about how to go about dealing with opening the marriage or ending the marriage. Communication is the key to the lock of any relationship, if you talk with your partner rather than to your partner and you allow your partner the same courtesy of talking with you rather than to you, it can work. Remember to also pay attention to what is not said but shown through body language. If it goes badly, don't push the issue, wait a day or so for it to sink in while still being the loving husband and let he know you are still you, you haven't changed, only her perception of you has and in time she will see that you are the man she married. Good luck.