Just came out as Bisexual in a marriage, not so good.

[CorePDX]

At first things were fine with my wife about me being Bisexual, now things have changed. At first she was possibly open to exploring my attraction to men with me. Now she has changed her mind and does not want me to experiment at all. So, looks like I have a decision to make, stay or go.

This would not be a problem if I had come out when I was single. At least then I could have experienced life in a way that I feel I was meant to experience life. Now, I either lose my wife which would suck or live for the rest of my life never getting to truly experience my sexuality. Having the courage to come out in the first place in a society that is so judgmental took a lot, getting over the fact that I can't act on my sexuality for the rest of my life will take more.

[Long Duck Dong]

any chance of reconciliation and compromise over the matter, or is it simply a closed door ?

while we can blame heterosexual mainstream norms..... there are people that just can not handle a open relationship and those that can not handle a monogamous relationship and unfortunately, it sounds like that is you and your wife...... and it has nothing to do with morals and ethics, its the ability to handle a situation that is the key aspect......

sometimes there is no way to resolve the issue.... so it comes down to your choice of staying or going... and I would not like to be in that situation as its not a easy choice......

[Realist]

Core, You wrote: "..........if I had come out when I was single."

Before you married, had you experienced sex with both genders, or were you attracted with no experience? You could have also had no indication that you'd ever be attracted to a male, too. Not that it matters much, you are in turmoil, now!.

What I think is tragic are those who never felt the need to have same-gender connections, then developed desires after marrying, having families and there is a potential for their lives to be turned upside down, with this new revelation! These cases are especially sad, when the spouses won't, or can't participate, or agree to exploration.

If, before committing to a monogamous relationship, you knew your true feelings, but lied to yourself and your mate about it..........thinking your bisexuality was going away if you ignored it..........then, I think it would someday come out, no matter how strenuously you tried to suppress it. In my case, this is what I did...not once, but 3 times! I only revealed PART of me to my future mates, which hid the other parts. They made decisions when they knew only half of me, not the whole me.

I'm certainly in no position to advise you, but I feel your pain, either way. I'd be interested in learning how you proceed with this and I hope you have better sense than I did, too!

Good luck!

[elian]

Yes, I wonder what changed her mind? I think that is the key to understanding the issue. Is it the actual bisexuality she objects to, or is she afraid you might leave her for another man?

Open, loving communication is still going to help you through this - preferably that avoids putting blame on the other person when speaking..it's nobody's "fault" that you are bisexual, you obviously both still love each other and you are both trying to make sense of the situation.

When I say "help" it doesn't necessarily mean that there won't be serious decisions to be made. Remember your love for each other in all things, even if you have grown apart.

[tenni]

It is sad that society has such an obsession with monogamy. You are 34 years old. If you do not have children with your wife, I would re consider the relationship. If you have children, you will have to factor that in to your decision. Its a tough place to find yourself. You have a long life ahead of you. Be yourself and be true to yourself.

Communicate with her that you love her but this is important for you to resolve. See if you can both come up with some form of rules for you to play.

One poster recently stated that a bisexual who can not reach some form or rules to play should inform their monosexual partner that they are going to go ahead with or without their permission. Let the chips fall where they may. You may also want to consider to have sex with a man once to make sure that this is what you want without her permission. I would not continue to have sex without her knowledge though. Based on what other bimen have reported, it is not good to continue going behind her back but some men have done so for twenty or more years. Society and many here will condemn you though. I personally will not judge nor condemn you whatever you decide. You have been honest with her. Tell her that you wish to remain married but with rules for continuing same sex activity. If she continues to resist be prepared and plan to end the marriage.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

At first things were fine with my wife about me being Bisexual, now things have changed. At first she was possibly open to exploring my attraction to men with me. Now she has changed her mind and does not want me to experiment at all. So, looks like I have a decision to make, stay or go.

This would not be a problem if I had come out when I was single. At least then I could have experienced life in a way that I feel I was meant to experience life. Now, I either lose my wife which would suck or live for the rest of my life never getting to truly experience my sexuality. Having the courage to come out in the first place in a society that is so judgmental took a lot, getting over the fact that I can't act on my sexuality for the rest of my life will take more.

You could make a suggestion about an open relationship, where she can also have a relationship outside of the marriage while you go off and play with men. Or if your cravings are just to strong, and you are not happy with your sex life with her, then maybe Y'all need to get a divorce.

[bisocialnudist]

Not so fast, those of us who have been at this mixed orientation marriage thing for a while know that time and baby steps are common elements towards success. This two steps forward one back is also a common theme. What seems OK in our head often is not OK in our heart until the two catch up.

There are some groups out there that have a very positive approach to Mixed Orientation Marriages based on a variety of strategies for success and then there are some that out of ignorance have just one mantra no way, run! If your wife found one of those negative ninnys then perhaps redirecting her to one of the positive groups for wives might help.

Mark

[glen1948]

I made the decision not to tell my wife, as we have been married many years, with (now grown) children. My wife knows I masturbated with other boys as a teenager, but thinks I outgrew it. But I now restrict myself to on-line play with other males - not ideal, but I have too much at stake to risk it. If you have no children, your situation is different, but you still have to make a decision. Life is about choices, and you can't always get what you want.

[CorePDX]

Thank you for all the replies. I think keeping an open mind and exposing her to suggestions of successful poly marriages might help. Just trying to keep an open mind in this whole thing. At some point though I think we will come to a final crossroad and hopefully will take the road towards sex.

Some people seemed curious about me coming out. Since I was young there were several instances that made me question my sexuality. Experiences were not frequent but they were strong. Still, they did not rival my attraction towards the opposite sex so I went into twenty plus years of denial. When you grow up in a conservative family and with friends who seem a little hostile towards the LGBT community, it is easy to be in denial to the point that your not sure at all. I guess the confusing part is having a strong attraction to woman. On the good side, now that I'm out I get aroused easily just thinking about having sex with guys, though Idon't check them out as much as woman.

[keefer728]

First off........what brilliant thinking got you to tell this to your wife in the first place? You married her, not some kind of kinky idea on blowing her mind at a future date. I don't feel sorry for you in the least, nor do I pine for your so called loss of your true sexuality. Grow up and stop being so selfish. One more thing...the way you're moaning over this, I wonder if your so called "coming out" and your familiarness with the lgbt lingo, I may suspect that you're gay, not bi.

[Realist]

Many, who were not raised in extremely opinionated, dogmatically moralistic environments, often have difficulty understanding how those of us, who were raised like that, have not broken those bonds.

At 71, I have dealt with conflicting sexual and emotional urges almost my whole life. If I had been able to join this site in my youth, or had people who understood and would mentor me, I'm sure my live would have lead me down different roads. I've only had a few male lovers, since I was 14, but the guilt and fear of divine retribution kept me in mental anguish for a long, long, time.

Core, you're going to have to make your own decisions and do what you feel is best for you. None of us can do more than reveal our own thoughts. I just hope you are more intelligent and decisive than I was and maybe you will have a future that will suit you best.

[Gearbox]

I'd give her a little time to think about it. Although she might use that time to imagine all kinds of negative things about you having extramarital m-m sex.
If you can give her some positive info to weigh that out, she may feel some ease.

Get her to join this or another bi site, or read up on bisexuality.:)

[NakedInSeattle]

Wow, Keefer. I've never heard such intolerance and lack of understanding on this site before! This is totally uncalled for and in juxtaposition to the goals, needs, and ideals of the majority of folks who call this site their refuge from an otherwise mean-spirited society.

Please tell me that you were just having a bad day.

[*Lou*]

First off........what brilliant thinking got you to tell this to your wife in the first place? You married her, not some kind of kinky idea on blowing her mind at a future date. I don't feel sorry for you in the least, nor do I pine for your so called loss of your true sexuality. Grow up and stop being so selfish. One more thing...the way you're moaning over this, I wonder if your so called "coming out" and your familiarness with the lgbt lingo, I may suspect that you're gay, not bi.

Who in the hell are you to judge that man? Get off the soapbox you intolerant toad, you don't have to live his life, he does.

[keefer728]

Who in the hell are you to judge that man? Get off the soapbox you intolerant toad, you don't have to live his life, he does.

Two words for you, Lou.....

[darkeyes]

Two words for you, Lou.....

I'm sorry?

Yo're not really very good with the compassion and understanding thing are you Keefer?

[keefer728]

I'm sorry?

Yo're not really very good with the compassion and understanding thing are you Keefer?

Nope. Fran, if you look at 99.9999% of threads of this sort, you may notice that all are by men who JUST don't understand why their wives won't let them play. I see many posts on how women are not treated as equals, sold into slavery, murdered at birth; but I don't see any compassion for the woman who married a man just expecting a normal, happy life. To me, I see some men looking at women in a way that doesn't reflect respect, honor or love.....just a means to an end. I find that disgusting and I have no compassion for that kind of man.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Nope. Fran, if you look at 99.9999% of threads of this sort, you may notice that all are by men who JUST don't understand why their wives won't let them play. I see many posts on how women are not treated as equals, sold into slavery, murdered at birth; but I don't see any compassion for the woman who married a man just expecting a normal, happy life. To me, I see some men looking at women in a way that doesn't reflect respect, honor or love.....just a means to an end. I find that disgusting and I have no compassion for that kind of man.

We all have to admit, he does have a pretty good point.

[darkeyes]

Nope. Fran, if you look at 99.9999% of threads of this sort, you may notice that all are by men who JUST don't understand why their wives won't let them play. I see many posts on how women are not treated as equals, sold into slavery, murdered at birth; but I don't see any compassion for the woman who married a man just expecting a normal, happy life. To me, I see some men looking at women in a way that doesn't reflect respect, honor or love.....just a means to an end. I find that disgusting and I have no compassion for that kind of man.

I have sympathy and compassion with ne person who lives a lie and becomes honest about it especially to the 1 he or she has committed their life to.. I was married to a man for 4 years and never granted him anything like the same consideration we see here.. I understand what it is to fall in love and suppress our very instincts and end up hurting a person for whom we care very deeply.. he expected a very happy and normal life and ended up with me... as best I can tell the OP is still coming to terms with what he has done.. he is agonising about his life and the consequences of his actions... the sex of the person in such instances doesnt matter... I do know I learned a great deal from that 4 years and and luckily for me the fall out hasnt been so great.. but I do know it was devastating for Brian... he and I are now best of friends and he has forgiven me my lies to him and my denials I havent quite forgiven myself mostly because of what I did to him.. more so than any deprivation of same sex nooky for myself...

Yes, I find it very easy to have compassion for one like the OP cos if society wasnt so judgemental and shitty, and scared the living daylights out of bisexual people so much because of what they are and what they do, the OP and myself would never have been put in the situation we were of lying in the first place.. love is a very powerful emotion, and lack of belief in our intended and our hearts desire's ability to accept what we are scares us half to death.. we do not like it but the pressure on bisexual people can be so great as are the feelings for the person they love and wish to marry in the very earliest days we feel as if we will die should we lose that person... yes Keefer..I have compassion cos I remember exactly what it felt like...

All I say to those who judge myself or the OP harshly is to say is this... there but for the Grace of God.... none of us are paragons of perfection.. we are flawed.. we are scared very often.. and as we go through life, we do many things we should not have, are ashamed of and come to regret them....

[keefer728]

Doesn't matter, Fran. I can listen to stories until the cows come home. This is my opinion.

[*Lou*]

Nope. Fran, if you look at 99.9999% of threads of this sort, you may notice that all are by men who JUST don't understand why their wives won't let them play. I see many posts on how women are not treated as equals, sold into slavery, murdered at birth; but I don't see any compassion for the woman who married a man just expecting a normal, happy life. To me, I see some men looking at women in a way that doesn't reflect respect, honor or love.....just a means to an end. I find that disgusting and I have no compassion for that kind of man.

Notice in Keefers post there was no mention of men who enter into a relationship with a woman expecting a "normal" life, then said woman suddenly has bi desires which the unsuspecting man never knew of until after marriage, nor is accepting of. His comments are extremely sexist. I personally dealt with, and was married to a woman who claimed to be straight then turned out to be not only Bi, but a tramp as well. I'm not sitting here crying for sympathy, nor do I expect any, I made a bad choice in a partner, it's on ME. Quite possibly one day the wife of the original poster will realize the same thing I did. For the record Keefer, I never said I didn't have any compassion for the origional posters wife, I do, I know what it's like to be in that position. I simply stated that you had NO right to judge that man. Women are NOT the only ones being wronged in society. By the way Keefer, you know what you can do with those 2 words you had for me.

[keefer728]

Notice in Keefers post there was no mention of men who enter into a relationship with a woman expecting a "normal" life, then said woman suddenly has bi desires which the unsuspecting man never knew of until after marriage, nor is accepting of. His comments are extremely sexist. I personally dealt with, and was married to a woman who claimed to be straight then turned out to be not only Bi, but a tramp as well. I'm not sitting here crying for sympathy, nor do I expect any, I made a bad choice in a partner, it's on ME. Quite possibly one day the wife of the original poster will realize the same thing I did. For the record Keefer, I never said I didn't have any compassion for the origional posters wife, I do, I know what it's like to be in that position. I simply stated that you had NO right to judge that man. Women are NOT the only ones being wronged in society. By the way Keefer, you know what you can do with those 2 words you had for me.

Why do you feel a need to showboat to me, Lou? I din't say anything to you, nor do I care to engage in a conversation with you.

[darkeyes]

[QUOTE=keefer728;220204]Why do you feel a need to showboat to me, Lou? I din't say anything to you...


I think u misremember about 7 posts up.... dementia, keefer?;)

[keefer728]

[QUOTE=keefer728;220204]Why do you feel a need to showboat to me, Lou? I din't say anything to you...


I think u misremember about 7 posts up.... dementia, keefer?;)

LOL, two words for you too, luffly one......hush up. :tongue:

[bisocialnudist]

I am kind of surprised at the doom and gloom and how could you of this thread. Mixed orientation marriages can be fabulous marriages and perfectly normal. yes they are different but they are normal. How do we get in the situation of the original poster?. I have been there, I thought as a bisexual I could choose just one after all my wife is who I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. I even told her before we were married honey Im bi but thats ok Im choosing you. Well add another stereotype to the list turns out there are sequential bisexuals ie one this time another next time and concurrent bisexuals that have needs of both in their relationships.

Oops I made a mistake Im a concurrent bisexual my wife is the one I love but I am sexually attracted to men. It took me three decades to admit I was wrong. I entered into the marriage with the best information available to me. Should I have continued in the closet, my wife will tell you no. I would be distant and brooding and I drank a lot of beer to mask the pain. That was not fair to my wife either, I am a much better husband out of the closet greeting each day with joy and enthusiasm to make her day the best it can be. Add to that I dont even drink anymore because I dont have to.

I didnt expect my wife to understand, I didnt come out to hurt her, As the years went by we worked out what it meant to have a bisexual husband as best friends and partners. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, I am living my life authentically as the bisexual I was born as openly and with pride and we both are happier then ever, in short we both won,

I don't look at this as any different then any other crises that successful couples work out, stuff happens people make mistakes its human nature, our marriages are not prisons that we have been sentenced to they are supposed to be loving dynamic living gifts of mutual joy. I hope the original poster finds that place.

Mark

[*Lou*]

Why do you feel a need to showboat to me, Lou? I din't say anything to you, nor do I care to engage in a conversation with you.

Showboat? I did nothing of the sort. You and your misguided, judgemental commentary was addressed by me initially. You chose to chime in at me with your "two words" to which I replied with open minded, rational thought (something you apparantly do not understand), accompanied by my personal experience related to the topic of this thread. It's not my fault you are so closed minded and judgemental that you cannot see reality. Take off the blinders, there is a wide world out there, should you ever choose to see it in it's entirety.

@ Darkeyes, you're right, he does appear to be rather forgetful, which is easily fixed, if he'd put the bong away for a while.

[CorePDX]

First off........what brilliant thinking got you to tell this to your wife in the first place? You married her, not some kind of kinky idea on blowing her mind at a future date. I don't feel sorry for you in the least, nor do I pine for your so called loss of your true sexuality. Grow up and stop being so selfish. One more thing...the way you're moaning over this, I wonder if your so called "coming out" and your familiarness with the lgbt lingo, I may suspect that you're gay, not bi.


:) Yup, your an angry person. I'm used to seeing trolls like you on the internet, or self righteous bastards who think they have life figured out better than everyone else. You remind me of some FOX News pundit on a bigoted rampage.

[Herculoid Poirot]

Sure, if things stay the way they are now you'd only have two choices, but there is room for change. Have you been to couples therapy? Have you been to any support groups? Those are all ways that you can get to know yourself and your relationship. Good luck.

[CorePDX]

Everyone else who replied,

Thanks for the responses. For me, marriage is about revealing to a person who you are and being truthful about your feelings with that person. It's also about respecting that person's life enough not to drag them down a path of misery. My marriage is about being honest and open so that if necessary my wife can move on. I think my marriage should be about having the courage to reveal who you are, admit when you are wrong, and have enough love in the relationship to be able to work through any problem in time.

Hiding problems deep inside creates anger, anger brings fear, this is the path to the dark side.:bigrin:

[querty]

Keefer. You have a right to your opinions. But you don't have to be angry, hurtful, jerk about it. You may have had a good point but it was more than lost in your delivery.

[mooon]

I agree with Creativebi and others that you should go slow and give it some time.
As she gets used to the idea, and that you are still the same person, and that maybe it is not really a threat, her ideas may soften.
Just be sure to communicate with her about your feelings, and hers. A lot. Give her time, and if there is still love and trust, you may be well rewarded.
I was.

Mooon

[keefer728]

:) Yup, your an angry person. I'm used to seeing trolls like you on the internet, or self righteous bastards who think they have life figured out better than everyone else. You remind me of some FOX News pundit on a bigoted rampage.

Hey....check it out. You came here and asked a question. In so doing, you might as well have been standing on a street corner and asking the crowd the same question. I'm not angry, you're just a pathetic whelp.

[swmnkdinthervr]

I'm not angry, you're just a pathetic whelp.

Right... :rolleyes:

That'll convince 'em!!! :tong:

[CorePDX]

and your dumb!:eek:

[CorePDX]

Mooon,

I agree with you. Thanks for the reply.

[JP1986UM]

This thread is hilarious.

Core, get a therapist if you can. All the talking here is nothing but noise.

Seek a qualified LGBT mixed marriage person who knows the issues and can help sort them out. Until then, train the laser on Keefers privates....I'll keep laughing until someone pulls the trigger....

[falcondfw]

Ok. I have watched this thread for a while and did not respond because I did not want to get drawn into the BS, but I can't stay silent any longer.

Keefer, plain and simple, and I don't give a rat's ass what you think of me, you are an ass. If you don't like the subject of a thread? MOVE ON! I have seen you pull this shite on many threads and if my name was drew, you would not be here. The one person I have seen stand up for many of your ridiculous posts is Darkeyes. And you tell her to "hush up"? Seriously? Are you just completely anti-social or a total moron? Enough. Don't bother responding, because I won't. You are not worth it.

As for the OP, Core, I think your thinking is a little backwards. Revealing your true feelings and honesty should come BEFORE you both say "I Do", not after. And yes, hiding things inside is a sure way to bitterness, anger, and resentment. BUT, there is a proper time and place to "drop the bombshell" on a significant other. If you knew or even suspected before you got married that you were bi? You owed it to her to tell her. If you decided not to, then your entire marriage is based on a lie. Just my opinion.

And honestly, you have to understand how revealing something like that might be a shock to her system. She married you thinking you were straight. All of a sudden you are not? And you have known or suspected for a long time? Seriously? She accepted and tried to work with it because she loves you and wants your marriage to last. She is trying to do ANYTHING to make you happy and make it work.

But it shocked her and now that she is over the initial shock, she is having trouble dealing with it. Surprise !!! NOT!!!!!! If this really does shock you, well ... you need a lot more help than you can get here.

My advice? Lay off. You have told her. Your honesty, albeit very late, is to be commended. Now you need to let her process things. Maybe ask her if she wants to talk to a therapist (of HER choosing) about it. Send her. Be supportive. Let her come to terms with it in her own way. If she can, great. If not, she will divorce you. But it is her choice and you made the mistake of waiting until AFTER you were already married.

And honestly, I think you need to see a counselor too. To come to terms with your decision and your wife and your marriage. Yes, you know your wife, but this completely changes the dynamic.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck, Core.

[darkeyes]

*makes note* slag keefer harder...

[silberwolf1960]

Ahh here we go, I've been here for a few years and I know that people who talk smack w/o a profile are ignorant and think they rule this site. Well this Drew's site and those of us that socialize here really don't want folks who think they are the site manager acting as they are.
If someone asks a question or asks for advice then the trolls and such should really keep their cocksucker shut.
If ya got a problem with that, to bad. I'm sick of the crap that comes off of peoples keyboards. If ya ain't got any advice or help for someone who asks for help then SHUT UP!!!
I come here to talk and hopefully make friends online. I also agree that Drew should get rid of people like you keefer simply because you are an ignorant ass and probably a wannabe bisexual.:2cents:

[Volodya]

Traditional marriage means sexual exclusivity. It doesn't matter whether you identify as heterosexual or bisexual. What are you missing now? Sweet boys and girls? Totally legitimate, but that is not traditional marriage.

[keefer728]

Did you get spittle all over your monitor and keyboard there, Silber?

[silberwolf1960]

No keefer, I didn't. I know how keep calm when addressing wannabe's and trolls.

[Moonlight_BHI]

CorePDX,
I don't know if your still in a situation or not but here's what I have to say.
How you talked to your wife about it? To really find out why she has changed her mind? Maybe there was some miscommunication or maybe some fears she has showed themselves to her.

You should talk with her and find out. If she feels the same that she rather you not experiment with men than you need to ask yourself this question:
"Do I need to have experience what it would be like to be with a man or can I live happily with my wife without it?"
Once you've answered that question, you'll known what to do.

[sexyunit]

If you want to be married, you have to play by the rules. If you want a wonderful marriage, be best friends and share everything. Good for you for telling her.