New to the scene

[James2730]

Hi Everyone,

I just recently joined the site after coming out as bisexual to my girlfriend. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time since I was quite young. I am 27 by the way. The internal conflict just got too much for me to bare and I had to tell her how I was truely feeling. She took the news like a champ and I will love her forever for her support.

After reading alot of posts there is so much that I can relate to. I still have issues and feelings of remorse when I give into my same sex feelings. By give into I mean just getting off to them. The thoughts at the minute are about physical acts rather than of a relationship with another guy. As I've fought them for so long it is far from second nature to me to accept them as normal. But it has gotten easier with time. With the support of my girlfriend and continuing to be open and honest with her hopefully things will only continue to get better.

Although I came out to her as bisexual I am still trying to work out if that is the case. I may just be curious but the urges are definately there. Hopefully by talking to you all over time I can work out if I am. Or at the very least just be accepting of myself and the feelings I have.

Look forward to chatting with you all

[pradalove]

Good on ya for being honest with her. Welcome and remember whatever you end up liking and wanting, just be yourself and treat all as you would wish to be....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

You arent Bisexual yet, Hon. You've yet to act on the feelings, so that makes you probably Bi-Curious..:} Maybe the lady will warm up to the idea of both of you experimenting sometime with a male partner of both of your chosing...Wouldnt that be a cool thing? ;)
Good luck, have fun and Play Safe At All Times..:}
Cat

[James2730]

Thanks for advice. At this point I think we'll be taking baby steps. Its as new to me as it is to her. When I told her I was bisexual it was just the best way I could describe what was going on in my head. I maybe just bi-curious,I maybe bisexual, i'll work that out eventually. The juries still out on the final verdict.

The plan is just for me and my girlfriend to experiment abit. Find out what I like and get use to things slowly. Does anyone have any recommendations fpr strap ons?

[drugstore cowboy]

You arent Bisexual yet, Hon. You've yet to act on the feelings, so that makes you probably Bi-Curious..:} Maybe the lady will warm up to the idea of both of you experimenting sometime with a male partner of both of your chosing...Wouldnt that be a cool thing? ;)
Good luck, have fun and Play Safe At All Times..:}
Cat

Who says that you simply have to have sex with someone of the same gender or else you're not really bisexual?

Clearly you don't understand bisexuality or human sexuality at all.

[istriachilles1]

That was my thought, too ... I haven't acted on my same sex feelings, but I know I have them. Does that make me bisexual, or just bicurious? Are people who turn out to be straight once they've acted on their opposite sex feelings only straight-curious before they act on them?

[Realist]

Yes, Istri, this happens for many different levels of attractions, not just with sexuality.

People often have thoughts, dreams, and interest, in various things. Then, when they try them, they may find it either confirms their original attractions, or they are no longer interested.

I wanted to be a policeman, when I was young and searching for a career, but after riding with a deputy sheriff for several weeks, I was totally turned off with dealing with drunks, belligerent people, and criminals. They meet the worst of the worst, on a daily basis! The genuinely nice folks they meet, just don't equal out the ratio between the nice ones and the assholes!

Before I ever had sex with anyone, I thought only of women with huge breasts and men with the largest cocks. But, after a few gratifying, loving, relationships, with lovers of different physical qualities, I learned that size of one's appendages had little bearing on the quality of the relationship, after-all.

All through life, we may think we are drawn to something, but then find there's nothing for us, there.......or, we might find that they were more compelling than we imagined! That's one thing that makes life interesting.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Hey there, I am really happy for you that your girlfriend accepted you for who you are, and did not run for the hills screaming.:female:

[tenni]

Hey James
It is probably a good thing that you have discussed your bisexual feelings with your girlfriend. The remorse feelings (guilt) are experienced by a lot of us..well actually almost every bisexual I would suspect. Slowly, you will come to accept yourself.

Although it doesn't matter whether you call yourself a bisexual, it is how you feel about your sexuality that counts. You have thought about your same sex attraction for what seems to be sometime. It hasn't gone away. Deep down you probably know this. A first step to self acceptance might be to try to convince yourself that it is ok for you to masturbate thinking about men as well as women. You're still a good guy and lots of men are attracted to other guys.(even if only body parts like a cock).

Yes, when you finally do have sex with a man that will tell you more. However, your guilt feelings may make you want to put the bisexual stuff back in a bottle. The urges will probably come back though. There may even be times when you don't want to have sex with men. That too may come and go. Some of us struggled for years and there was no forum like this. There may be bisexual groups in your area. Check out any GLBT organization. Hopefully, there will be a group of other bisexual men that you may chat with at an in person meeting.

Based on what you have written I suspect that you are bisexual. Only you can decide though. Keep talking to your g/f but she can only support you. (that is great if she does) It is your sexuality and you will come to terms with it eventually. Good luck.

[bishaman]

So much good advice was posted here, and so much support and pointed commentary, that I don't want to be redundant.

What I do want to share is that, having grown up with a typically repressed, religious background, where homosexuality especially was shameful, I have worked through what you call "remorse"...dunno what that is, really...the basis is what the clinical folks call "internalized homophobia"...a kind of self-hatred--not good, certainly!!

What I found is that when I obsessively fantasized about having sex with men it brought up all those guilty/tormenting feelings, but when I actually entered into the "sex zone"...that point when the die was cast and I was throwing off my clothes, or kneeling to suck, or...you get it, the exhilarating point of no return...all that other stuff completely melted away and making love with a guy seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

No one can tell you when or how to act, but you may find yourself wondering later, what was I so crazed about? Or not, in which case you'll know yourself better...

best of luck :male:

[wolfman6]

Isn't it amazing the things we accept because "That's the way it is" or "It's always been like that"? Sometimes I let myself drift without the rules that shaped me in Catholic grade school, most plots and peer pressure. The freedom that I am seeing now while gratifying, to a large extent has always been going on and, I think, is badly identified.

How often have you heard, "Men are pigs?" I am not sure that is accurate either, but we know we are more easily and identifiably aroused. When you, me or John Wayne watch porn that includes fucking with another body, we are witnessing a cock entering that body. Why does that increase blood flow to the groin area? While most straight men would readily admit that they have watched and been excited by porn, I doubt that they have identified just what was scintillating about the experience.

I really do have a point, and that is that being curious is normal. Not admitting it is limiting and eventually damaging. You have done a brave and correct thing. The rest will sort itself out through the years. Love turns out to be caring for each other day to day. Why wouldn't you share your body with the person with whom you share a life? Why wouldn't you share all of yourself with people you love? Obviously not all people you love, but I hope you get my drift.

Good Luck.

[James2730]

Thanks for the great comments, quite overwhelming to have this kind of advice given. After keeping things to myself for so long. I look back over the years that I tried to repress my same sex feelings, makes me angry with myself. Wish I had a time machine to go back and shout at myself. But there's no point worrying about the past. Life is too short after all.

I have always been a one woman guy. Now i'll ammend that statement to a one person guy. While I am with my girlfriend I am committed to her. If I was going to explore my same sex feelings then I would break up with my girlfriend. Thats the way I feel is right for our situation. That may not work for everyone and some couples may be perfectly happy with an open relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all if it works for them. I guess thats the only test i'll be following. If I don't feel the need to explore my same sex feelings then I won't. I will always know they are there. I may learn things alot faster by having sex with a guy. But it all depends what developes over time as me and the missus work things out. I suspect that may spark abit of a response, which is absolutely fine. Welcome anyones comments.

I do have one question around feelings of anxiety. After I came out to my girlfriend I felt freed. All the feelings of anxiety melted away. But a few days later they returned. Even when I am around friends I have known my whole life. Or I am in work I might have periods when I retreat inside myself. It sort of feels like I loose control of my body in a weird way. I can see and hear things going on around me. I want to say things are act a certain way but a feeling of fear washes over me and I just sit there in silence. I don't know if it is because I have only told one of my friends I think i'm bisexual. They expect me to act as I have done for so long. So I sort of doubt myself as to how to act around them. Its hard to seperate if the anxiety is due to a feeling of isolation I still have. Or I may have some kind of anxiety disorder. Has anyone ever had a similar feeling to this?

[Long Duck Dong]

hi james,.... one of the hardest things about coming out... is what do we do next..... how do we act around people ?

simple answer, be yourself... most of the other people may be the same as you, * putting up a front * for various reasons... and being yourself is going to be difficult if friends react adversely to the * new * you... but that will help you learn what friends are friends......

its anxiety, definately.... as to if its situation anxiety or a pre existing condition is something that a professional is better to decide..... but I can help with a few questions to help you decide if you want to see a professional and get counselling......

1) do you worry about how people see you, to the point that you try to act in a certain way ( not hiding sexuality, just normal behievour )
2) do you worry about being around people, when you are alone..
3) do you get tired / frustrated / angry, more in public than you do around your friends....
4) do you cringe when you remember things that you may have done badly around your friends .......

if you can see a pattern there that have been long term.... it may be worth talking with a counsellor, and find your anxiety * triggers * so that way, you can learn rebalance yourself and be less anxious about your sexuality around other people........

[James2730]

hi james,.... one of the hardest things about coming out... is what do we do next..... how do we act around people ?

simple answer, be yourself... most of the other people may be the same as you, * putting up a front * for various reasons... and being yourself is going to be difficult if friends react adversely to the * new * you... but that will help you learn what friends are friends......

its anxiety, definately.... as to if its situation anxiety or a pre existing condition is something that a professional is better to decide..... but I can help with a few questions to help you decide if you want to see a professional and get counselling......

1) do you worry about how people see you, to the point that you try to act in a certain way ( not hiding sexuality, just normal behievour )
2) do you worry about being around people, when you are alone..
3) do you get tired / frustrated / angry, more in public than you do around your friends....
4) do you cringe when you remember things that you may have done badly around your friends .......

if you can see a pattern there that have been long term.... it may be worth talking with a counsellor, and find your anxiety * triggers * so that way, you can learn rebalance yourself and be less anxious about your sexuality around other people........

I would say its a yes on all counts but to different degrees. I do often worry about how people see me. But I think I have been acting a particular way to also hide my sexuality somewhat.

If I am by myself then I don't worry so much. But I do if am going out later the same day to meet people.

I do often feel tired and abit on edge. Sometimes the smallest things would irritate me. I don't really feel like that around my friends. But Sometimes I do feel tired, almost like all my energy has been sucked out.

I would definately cringe when I think about stuff I have done badly around friends.

This kind of feeling has been going on for as long as I remember. I've tried to ignore the feelings. Sometimes the anxiety would be bad to the point where I worry about people phoneing me out of the blue. I want to always come across as fun and outgoing. Sometimes in work I would avoid getting up from my desk for coffee until there was nobody in the kitchen. Just so I don't have to talk to them.

It sounds quite pathetic when I look at it written down. But it almost cripples me from having the confidence to do what I really want. Its not always the case but I'd say 60% of the time I worry in some way or another.

I am waiting to see a counsellor to work through some issues I have been having since I accepted my sexuality. Sounds like another issue to add to the list. Thanks for the reply.