Am I bisexual..does my spouse suspect it?

[greenthumb95]

so I have always been a very straight man. I love women, and I am married. 6 years ago, a year before i met my wife, i noticed that when i saw a mans penis..i became very sexually aroused. i began having intense and frequent sexual fantasies of giving a hot guy oral sex and getting anal. the fantasies are so intense that i simulate the acts with sex toys. anyways, girls i have dated have confronted me about my orientation, and men hit on me. the catch in all this is..i have no desire at the current time to date a guy. honestly, my confusion is at an all time high, and i dont know how to handle it.

lot of it is curiosity. wondering if its for me. the weird thing too is how many female friends of mine have confronted me about it. my wife has made comments when shes wasted that make me think she suspects something, and then there was the whole craigslist thing

she caught me looking at the casual encounters on craigslist once. like, i searched for bi couples. shes like, why were you on there? at first i denied it, then shes like dont lie to me..its not that a big of a deal. you arent gay are you? i said no, then shes like..its not that big of a deal. she had seen the browsing history.

PS. I am 27.

I love women, always have. Love sex, and have a high sex drive. However, I can't ejaculate inside a woman while having sex. This has happened with every girl ive slept with. Is this due to too much masturbation, or is my body trying to tell me I am homosexual?

Hello everyone. I have recently discovered I am quite possibly bisexual as I desire to perform sexual acts on men. My only issue is figuring out a way to tell my spouse. I am not sure how she would react to the news, as she sometimes seems close minded about the topic, but then other times not.

When she drinks, she makes comments that make me think she suspects something..but I dont know exactly how she will react..and that is what scares me. On one hand, I can see her freaking out..on the other..I can see her not being suprised at all. I wish there was a way to see exactly how she would react..before I tell her. Any suggestions? Thanks !

[Long Duck Dong]

hi and welcome to bisexual.com

ok are you bisexual ? only you can answer that,..... as there is no *correct * defination of bisexual.... your post reads like a person that has a strong sexual interest in cocks and anal sex so that can be a aspect of being bisexual as bisexual males are not always interested in dating other males, they can have a sexual interest and that can be as a casual hook up or no strings attached sex....

your post reads to me like a straight male with a anal / cock interest... and that doesn't make you gay / bisexual.... what generally makes a person gay / bisexual, is a attraction and interest in the same or both genders.... and it is possible to be straight and also suck a cock and be fucked anally, without changing your sexuality at all..... but I am not going to say how cos I am curious to see if anybody else understands that aspect lol

you say your wife suspects and wonders... well, my answer is simply talk with her, not to her... and involve her in the site as well, that way you both can get answers........

something in your thread tho, got my attention, the inability to cum inside a female......it can be caused by a number of issues, they can be mental / emotional blocks in a persons mind or they can be body issues IE circumcision / nerve damage or even something as simple as desensitized penis due to too much masturbation or being born with a penis that is not as sensitive as the average male.....

they are not signs that you are gay / bisexual, they are issues that can affect any person, male or female..well the females have the desensitized clitoris and vagina.....

as for your friends saying that you may be gay /bi.... lol that would normally give the impression that something about you, may be giving off signals that they would associate with gay / bi males.... it can be called gaydar /bidar or simply the ability to pick up on aspects of a person that can indicate a sexuality......


based around your partners response, it sounds like shes not worried about your nature, shes pretty sure that you are bisexual and thats ok..... so it now comes back to you and talking with your partner about your feelings, thoughts, desires and your relationship..... that will lead to the dreaded :tong: what is the next step, do you experiment, what are the rules and guidelines, what are you seeking to find and achieve.......

however, that brings it back to the you are not interested in dating a guy remark you made..... so are you interested in experimenting with other guys..... as fun in the bedroom is not always restricted to sex with other people..... you and your partner can use strapons etc to help enhance your own sex life and help you get a better idea of what you would like to do if the chance comes available with other males.......

[tenni]

Contrary to the previous poster, there is a simple definition for bisexuality. If you are sexually and or emotionally attracted to both men and women you are more likely falling under the bisexual definition. It is up to you to decide. There is a fairly wide range of bisexuality and same sex attraction may ebb and flow throughout your lifetime.

Self acceptance is important. Some bisexual men are only sexually attracted to other men (body parts) with no emotional attachment while other men have both a physically sexual and emotional attraction. You seem to now be more aware that you want to perform sexual acts on other men and you mention the sexual toy aspect.

It can be stressful to finally admit your bisexuality to yourself and then share this with your spouse. You seem to have reached the point of admitting to yourself your bisexual interests. You sense that she is aware about some of your sexual interest. If you enjoy your ass being played with why not start there by telling her that you enjoy that sex play? Will she watch porn with you? If so, introduce bisexual porn. If she asks again about you being gay tell her no you do like sex with women and you have been having these fantasies about your butt. Depending how the conversation goes tell her about your fantasies about performing oral on a man. Use some of the words that you have used in this thread. It is a sexual curiousity at this point and let her know that you have not acted on your curiousity.

I'm not a doctor but other men have difficulty ejaculating inside a vagina. If you feel that the stimulation on the glans is insufficient you may try more friction on the glans by fully removing and then re entering the vagina. Do you see it as a physical or fear issue(pregnancy? etc.)? Have you discussed this with your family doctor?

You can keep this a secret if you wish but you probably will be a lot happier if you share your sexual interest with your wife. Re assure her of your love for her. Some women seem to think that your bisexual interests is a rejection of her. Your same sex interests seem to be purely physical and help her understand that aspect. Good luck.

[Realist]

Green, first of all, welcome to the site.

You will certainly get all kids of advice, here.........but in the end, what you do can only be your decision. Ultimately, only YOU know what is right for YOU.

Here's my take on your situation: From my vantage point, I think you should sit down with your wife and lay your cards on the table. Try to communicate your REAL feelings and thoughts, but listen to her feed-back as well. From what you've said, I believe she suspects there's more to you, than being a straight person, and will handle your being honest just fine. It's even possible that being out and open will enhance your marriage.

As one who went through a marriage hiding my bisexuality, lying my ass off, and cheating, I'm here to tell you, it would have been better for me to come clean!

And, you may think about getting some professional help. Your inability to cum when you're making love to a female, may be an indication of some issues you are not aware of. A good psychiatrist can often help you solve these things.

It might even help if your wife joined this site, too, There's some very intelligent ladies here, who are both bisexual themselves, or straight, and with bisexual mates. There's even a few straight males with bisexual mates.

Good luck, Buddy....I feel your pain and have dealt with a few of your same concerns....many of us have.

[greenthumb95]

Thank you both for your response. I really am not sure what my wife thinks. The only time she has or will make a comment it seems is after she has been drinking. Normally, she doesnt. She had a gay friend in college and loved him, but i am not sure how she would react if it was her hubby who wanted to go down on guys. I know she hates the word "faggot". Is that an indication of open mindedness?

[Goodone]

It seems you may not be so good at hiding your thoughts.

I am not so sure that I would go calling you Bi at this stage but definitely Bicurious. Having said that your sexuality is really just your self assessment of how you feel and what you are truly attracted too. Only you can answer that one and when you make your self assessment, whatever the answer you come up with is the correct one. At most it seems apparent you that you would score a 2 on the Kinsey scale. Personally I am probably a 3, bordering on a 4.

Coming to terms with your sexuality and becoming comfortable can be very difficult, it took me nearly 40 years and two failed marriages/long term relationships to do it. This is after a lifetime of knowing that I was turned on by the male body and even some sexual encounters as early as 15 years old. The good news is you will get there, I did and now I am very comfortable with where I am, I have never been happier.

As for your wife, telling her depends greatly on how you feel about yourself. At this stage I would talk with her about it and be honest that you have fantasies but have not acted and may not ever act on them. She seems to suspect and I would suggest from my own experience that it is better to be honest with her. Trust in her if she says it is ok, she might surprise you.

I was talking to my GF the other day (yes she knows about me) and I asked her why she was so turned on about the idea of me giving and taking oral and anal sex off another guy. She described it as the same reason 90% of males fantasize about lesbian sex. Fair enough I suppose. You never know, the idea might arouse her.

I have quickly learnt the key is open communication and honesty, like so much of any relationship is. If you can achieve that open communication and honesty you can end up in a really good place, just check out my thread for an example.

As for her hating the word faggott, I am not sure what that means but it may indicate a certain level of tolerance and respect for gay/bisexuals.

[Jobelorocks]

Well to start off I will give you a little bit of background on myself. I am a bisexual woman who is married to a straight man. I told my husband about my bisexuality a little less than a year into our marriage. I lucked out and he was and is very supportive of my sexual identity. Now we are swingers and I get to have fun with other men and women. Our marriage is great and we are open, honest, and very happy. (Yes there is hope!)

Now I agree with Tenni that there is a clear definition for bisexuality. This is a person who is attracted to both genders in sexual and/or romantic manner. Only you can decide if you fit in this category. If you decide that you do fit in this category there are many decisions to be made.

You will need to decide if you will come out to your spouse and discuss your feelings. Only you will have to live with the consequences of this be them good or bad, so you will have to decide if it is worth it to you. Now I would be cautious about how you tell her because she has expressed suspicions that she suspects you being gay. I would stress the difference between being gay and being bi (some people think there is no such thing as bi, but there is.). As far as her hating the word "faggot" , that is a good sign, but it may not mean that she will be supportive of your sexuality.

You will also have to decide if you want to act on your sexual urges and how you will do it. I would suggest not cheating, because that will be the worst way for her to find out about your sexuality, not to mention it is deceitful and selfish to do without her consent. Also as always, make sure to use protection if you do decide to act on it. If you discuss things with your wife, she may be supportive and she may even be cool with you playing with other men and may even want to have threesomes.

There are many things you must decide, but remember only you have to live with the consequences and the rest is up to you. I hope that this has helped.

[Gearbox]

January 2012 sure is a boom for bi husbands!:eek:

[greenthumb95]

Jobelorocks-

Thanks for the thoughts. The only reason I have a strong desire/urge to act on my feeling to go down on a guy is because I think if i do, that will clear things up. Ive never had an actual sexual experience with a man..but on the other hand, I couldnt handle the guilt of cheating. I am pretty sure if i do tell her, she wouldnt be supportive of me having sex with men on the side, but then again..crazier things have happened. I guess im just in a tough spot.

[Jobelorocks]

Jobelorocks-

Thanks for the thoughts. The only reason I have a strong desire/urge to act on my feeling to go down on a guy is because I think if i do, that will clear things up. Ive never had an actual sexual experience with a man..but on the other hand, I couldnt handle the guilt of cheating. I am pretty sure if i do tell her, she wouldnt be supportive of me having sex with men on the side, but then again..crazier things have happened. I guess im just in a tough spot.

Most bisexuals, especially those in relationships, tend to be in that tough spot of deciding whether or not to tell your partner. I understand how hard it can be, I was really afraid because my husband is very religious and I was very afraid he would have a very negative reaction, possibly even wanting an annulment. I lucked out and he was very supportive. You are not alone and so many of us have been in a similar situation and will do our best to help you through.

I understand wanting to figure out your sexuality. I struggled with figuring it out for many years. I was afraid to be a bisexual and with my upbringing there was a whole lot of guilt attached to same sex iterations. Sometimes trying something is enough to know for sure, some don't need that, and sometimes people are still unsure after their same-sex interaction.

I personally think it is the best route to talk to your spouse about your sexual feelings, because there is a possibility that this issue won't go away. It may be hard to tell them, but living your life trying to hide your sexual fantasies, your toys, and your internet history brings long-lasting hardship as well. She might not be okay with you playing with guys, but she might be willing to use a strap-on with you. She may also be totally unsupportive and that can be a great hardship. In the end it is up to you and only you can choose if it is worth it to you.

I hope for the best for you. I hope you can figure out your sexuality and be at peace with this subject in your life.

[greenthumb95]

Thanks for the reply.

I have actually been dealing with since my freshman year of college, but i chose to ignore things at first, thinking i was just weird and kinky. Its now been almost 10 years ive been struggling. Gets worse as time goes by. Do you think she knows?

[NEPHX]

Jobelorocks-

The only reason I have a strong desire/urge to act on my feeling to go down on a guy is because I think if i do, that will clear things up. Ive never had an actual sexual experience with a man..but on the other hand, I couldnt handle the guilt of cheating.

It would do nothing to clear up anything by doing something once. It could be a total disaster. (ok, remember the first time you had sex with a women... it was probably not the best experience you ever had.... But, if you were single and seeing a guy for the first time, it might be the same but if you cheat, sounds like the guilt will kill you.


To me, its not the sexual act or body parts alone that define my orientation. I am attracted guys in ways I am to women. I think it was that way from the start but I had to open myself to it over time a grown in it. I don't enjoy just jumping into bed with a guy I barely know just for sex.

Some guys, its just sex..... everyone is different. To some guys, sex with women is just to get off too....

So jumping into bed might scare the s**t out of you rather than resolve anything. You'll probably have remorse big time - immediately after you cum ;-).

Just my thoughts....

[Jobelorocks]

Thanks for the reply.

I have actually been dealing with since my freshman year of college, but i chose to ignore things at first, thinking i was just weird and kinky. Its now been almost 10 years ive been struggling. Gets worse as time goes by. Do you think she knows?

Well. it seems to me if she doesn't know for sure, she definitely suspects that you have attraction to men, if she didn't she wouldn't have asked if you were gay. It may be a relief to her to know you were bi and not gay, or it may bother her to know that you are bi. You won't know for sure until you tell her.

I do have to also say that I agree that even though you try something with someone of the same gender, it may not bring clarity, but more confusion. I know when I first did, I enjoyed it, but felt guilty. Over time it got better and I no longer feel guilty, but be forewarned that sleeping with someone of the same sex isn't something that will magically solve all your confusion and sometimes isn't enough to figure out your sexuality. It requires thought and acceptance of your feelings as well.

[tenni]

I think that based on the fact that this "desire/urge" has been on your mind for some time, that the probability is that you are bisexual. Suppose that is correct. Having sex to determine that there is the possibility that you won't like it and your mind will be at peace is more than likely not going to happen. There is a very remote possibility that you will decide that you didn't really like it. You may feel at peace with yourself but then disturbed when a year or decade later the urge comes back. It has for some guys.

I suspect that you may be lying to yourself in thinking that by actually doing it you will prove things to yourself is just you way of justifying having sex. Think about that for a bit and try to be honest with yourself.

You may have guilt for doing it if you tell your wife in advance but you will have more guilt if you do it and don't tell her. You may start building up more self deception.

I think that this is something that you will eventually try. I suspect that you will enjoy it. You may have a fair bit of self awareness to go through before the guilt is gone though. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your wife and reduce the stress on yourself. Even if she rejects you these feelings are more than not going to go away.

[parkwings]

Short version: The male fantasies are in your head, they will likely remain there until u die. So, do u want to accept it, be honest about it, and see what happens, or wrestle with yourself forever?

I think the reason I wrestled so long with it was because of North American society's condemnation of it...now that I'm older and don't care, I can just let things be, and be myself..very relaxing indeed.. ;-)

[ErosUrge]

I think that based on the fact that this "desire/urge" has been on your mind for some time, that the probability is that you are bisexual. Suppose that is correct. Having sex to determine that there is the possibility that you won't like it and your mind will be at peace is more than likely not going to happen. There is a very remote possibility that you will decide that you didn't really like it. You may feel at peace with yourself but then disturbed when a year or decade later the urge comes back. It has for some guys.

I suspect that you may be lying to yourself in thinking that by actually doing it you will prove things to yourself is just you way of justifying having sex. Think about that for a bit and try to be honest with yourself.

You may have guilt for doing it if you tell your wife in advance but you will have more guilt if you do it and don't tell her. You may start building up more self deception.

I think that this is something that you will eventually try. I suspect that you will enjoy it. You may have a fair bit of self awareness to go through before the guilt is gone though. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your wife and reduce the stress on yourself. Even if she rejects you these feelings are more than not going to go away.

There's really not much I can add that Tenni and others have already covered here. What Tenni points out is exactly what I went through during my second marriage; acting out on my urges without ever revealing to my wife anything about them, or anyone else for that matter. As time went on I got into a struggle with thinking that after this time with a guy, I wouldn't do it again. And after it was over I would feel incredible guilt making an empty promise to myself that it was over. But then after sometimes only a day, I'd feel the urges again. For me it was only about the sex; nothing emotional. But it really caused issues with my marriage with me being gone for longer periods than I should have been and then lying about where I'd been or what I'd been doing. We parted after 3 years of marriage, but not because she found out. It was because of these things however that destroyed the marriage. In my case, if I had told her she would most certainly have left anyway. But after causing myself so much stress over it all, it was best that our situation came to an end and was the only way our relationship could have turned out without me revealing what had been going on. Since that very experience and after years of soul searching, I finally accepted being bi and honest to others about it; especially the women I got involved with. I never felt more at peace than the day I accepted and admitted to myself that I was bi. This might not be you, but some of it might give you an insight. The biggest difference between you and I is that you've never had an experience yet. But the fact that the curiousity doesn't go away could indicate that you are bi. Like you say, you won't know until you act out on it should you decide to. I wish you the very best.

[greenthumb95]

Wow. The insight from you all is amazing. Let me ask another question. I have slept with ten women in my life, including my wife. I masturbate frequently. My wife and I work opposite schedules, so that puts a strain on our sex life, hence we hardly have sex. 1-2 times a month. Sadly. I have had and continue to have a huge issue reaching orgasm during intercourse. This has happened with every girl I've slept with, and happens almost always with my wife, but I have successfully ejaculated inside of her once. Is my body trying to tell me I am gay, or do I just masturbate way too much?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

First of all Darlin, Hi and welcome. Sounds like you Do jack off a bit too much if you cannot cum within a woman, but its not an uncommon trait. Hold off for a few days before playing with the lady, and see if that helps.
2nd, sounds as if you are Bi-Curious, meaning you've thought about it, but havent acted on it yet.
3rd, Of Course she knows about it. The woman isnt dumb or she wouldnt comment on it when she's drinking. Bring up the notion of toys or the strapon...its fun and exciting for the woman in the marriage too..;)
Good luck, have fun, but Keep the lines of communication going with the lady, she might decide that its would be hot for both of you to experiment with someone..:}
Cat

[Jobelorocks]

Wow. The insight from you all is amazing. Let me ask another question. I have slept with ten women in my life, including my wife. I masturbate frequently. My wife and I work opposite schedules, so that puts a strain on our sex life, hence we hardly have sex. 1-2 times a month. Sadly. I have had and continue to have a huge issue reaching orgasm during intercourse. This has happened with every girl I've slept with, and happens almost always with my wife, but I have successfully ejaculated inside of her once. Is my body trying to tell me I am gay, or do I just masturbate way too much?

I really doubt that being "gay" is the problem. If you are attracted to women and love your wife, then you are not gay (most likely bi). Do you cum when you masturbate? If the answer is yes, then the issue is probably not physical, but still may be. I think the issue is probably mental. I suggest you talk with a doctor and/or counselor about it and make sure to let them know whether you can achieve climax when masturbating to give them a full view. Maybe it really is just the fact you keep on worrying so much about being bi or gay and you prevent yourself, or maybe it is another reason.

Masturbating too much can be the issue as well. If you just masturbated and came not too long before sex, you may be unable to cum again in such a short period of time.

Make sure you talk about these things with your doctor and hopefully you can get it resolved.

[greenthumb95]

I am amazed at the great responses I have been getting! Very thought provoking. I am actually quite close to telling her, and have talked in depth with a family member about it. I guess what is holding me back from telling her is that I have no clue how she might react. Part of me thinks she woudl freak out, but another part of me thinks she wouldnt be suprised. So, this family member of mine is going to talk to her some night when they go out, and "gauge" her reaction to see how she might react.

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

I am amazed at the great responses I have been getting! Very thought provoking. I am actually quite close to telling her, and have talked in depth with a family member about it. I guess what is holding me back from telling her is that I have no clue how she might react. Part of me thinks she woudl freak out, but another part of me thinks she wouldnt be suprised. So, this family member of mine is going to talk to her some night when they go out, and "gauge" her reaction to see how she might react.

We are both in the same situation. We want to tell her but has no clue how she reacts to this. We don't want to stop the marriage by telling her this.... besides, does she need to know or not? As long as we are all together and living happily .... that is good enough.... i think you should try at least once to be with a safe guy ... to experience how much do you really like to have sex with the same gender ... and clear your mind up for a while... It might be not want you like to be ... do not risk your marriage if you still love her..

[Jobelorocks]

We are both in the same situation. We want to tell her but has no clue how she reacts to this. We don't want to stop the marriage by telling her this.... besides, does she need to know or not? As long as we are all together and living happily .... that is good enough.... i think you should try at least once to be with a safe guy ... to experience how much do you really like to have sex with the same gender ... and clear your mind up for a while... It might be not want you like to be ... do not risk your marriage if you still love her..
When you take the cheating route not only is it taking away your spouses informed consent (who knows, if she knew about you having sex with another person she may refuse to have sex with you). You are taking a risk when you sleep with anyone, but you are making an informed decision, while if you keep it from your spouse they cannot make an informed decision.

Now that being said, that is probably the worst way possible for your spouse to find out about your sexuality. Not only are you keeping your sexuality from them, but you are acting on it with by cheating. If they ever find out they are much more likely to leave you if they find out that way then if you were open about things. Not only will it hurt her by betraying her trust, but it can make her feel inadequate and insecure.

I just think this is the worst route you can take and to top it off many people end up more confused after their first same sex experience. If someone wants to cheat, they have to realize there are consequences and it effects more people than just yourself.

It sounds though that the OP is thinking about taking the honorable route instead of the route of betrayal. I say good for him. In the end he has to live with the consequences of his actions (same with his partner) so he should be the one making the decision, not me.

[tenni]

Hey Jobel
I think that we are only suppose to talk about consensual sex for awhile. Read Drew's post about deletions.

[Jobelorocks]

I thought it should be fine because I was promoting informed consent. Plus the post before mine seemed to tell him he should just cheat once with a "safe guy" to see what it was like. I think that is more in violation then what I said.

[greenthumb95]

Jobelrocks-

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I am really close to telling her, but am so scared of her freaking out. Is there a way I could "gauge" her reaction before i tell her? Like, see how she might react or find out what she thinks/suspects? In reference to the cheating, I wont ever. The guilt alone would eat me alive, not to mention that I took a vow, and I will be faithful. I just hate how intense and frequent my thoughts are. I catch myself checking out guys all the time now. It really stinks. Part of me wishes I never had these thoughts.

[Long Duck Dong]

reading back thru your comments..... you mention your wife having a gay friend so you could use that as a opener.... with a random remark like, I wonder if a gay male feels the same way about sucking another guys cock as a female does.......

if you both watch porn or a tv movie or something that opens the door to a opener like that, it makes it easier..... or if your partner uses the sex toys on you for anal play ( you mentioned it but not if your partner is involved when you do it )

if you are into anal play with toys and your wife is not involved, is there a option to bring her into it.... as its between you and her... and you can expand the options from there, to the point that you can come out to her........

coming out can often lead to talk about experimenting with others so its about seeking a opening to communication that is beneficial to both of you...... and thats important to both partners, not just the partner that is bisexual....... are their wants and needs going to be met, the same as yours..... and I do not mean their sexual needs, I mean the knowledge and understanding that their marriage is is still strong, stable and they are still your partner, not just the person that cooks the meals and looks after the kids while you are out having sex.......

[Jobelorocks]

Jobelrocks-

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I am really close to telling her, but am so scared of her freaking out. Is there a way I could "gauge" her reaction before i tell her? Like, see how she might react or find out what she thinks/suspects? In reference to the cheating, I wont ever. The guilt alone would eat me alive, not to mention that I took a vow, and I will be faithful. I just hate how intense and frequent my thoughts are. I catch myself checking out guys all the time now. It really stinks. Part of me wishes I never had these thoughts.

I agree with LDD. Bringing up gay/bi issues at opportune times and seeing how she talks about them may help. She obviously suspects something, otherwise she would not have asked you if you were gay. I think that she knows that you are attracted to men and probably thinks that makes you gay, which it doesn't necessarily. She probably doesn't even realize that bi is a possibility.

I suggest bringing up bisexuality in particular, to see if she even thinks it is a legitimate sexuality. That issue can greatly change her reaction. If she doesn't recognize it as legitimate, she may just jump to the conclusion that you must be gay.

I know it is easier not to be a bisexual especially in a society where both the homosexual and heterosexual communities tend not to recognize it. But we, as bisexuals need to accept our sexuality, it is part of who we are, we can't change it, and we can't expect other's to accept us if we don't accept ourselves.

I hope that all goes well with you telling her. It is a hard thing to do and we will be here to help you through it.

[querty]

Hey Green,
Your story parallels mine very closely. Fortunaltey for you, you are dealing with it much ealier in life than I did. Also to your advantage is that, in my opinion, male gay/bisexuality is much more accepted today than when than when I was your age. Or, maybe it's just that with the almighty internet we can all find each other.

Since I was a teen I had fantasies and urges for sexual encounters with men. These feelings would eb and flow. Sometimes it was all I could think about. Other times I would realize that it had been forever since I had given the situation any thought.

Then came marriage and kids and life and it was all sidelined for sometime, but never far below the surface. As I got older the desires came back. I wanted to figure this out, wanted to try it. If I liked it great, if I didnt, great. I really wanted to tell my wife, but like you, and most others, was too concerned about the reaction to risk it. I figured I'd just leave it to fantasy and have that as my own personal side. But for me, all that did was leave an ever nagging gap in my self esteem. An ever nagging "but what am I missing out on", and a resentment of sorts that I was allowing socieity to decitate who I was. I did eventually tell her, and she is now accepting and supportive, but it took growth on her part, for which she has told me she is grateful.

It was a long process for me to accept this part of my sexuality. It's a very private part of me. I dont share it with many, not because I am afraid to, but becuase I don't feel it's something that everyone needs, or deserves, to know about me.

So what's my advice? Formost, there is no hurry. Yes, deal with it, but get comforatble. This isnt a bad thing. It's actually an exciting thing to explore in yourself. Forums like this, introspective moments, "ah-ha!" moments. Find a confidant that you can sit with over beers and chat (I have dear feamle friend that helped me enourmously). Do not cheat on your wife. That will complicate all facets of your journey and could in-and-of-itself wreck your marriage. Dont discuss it with the wife if either of you is intoxicated. A cocktail or two to be lose, ok.

Good luck my friend! Hit me up for a chat if you see me on (it dont get here often).

Peter

[KinkyBi45]

I thought I should throw my two-cents in... I am 48 married for 20 years, have struggled with bisexuality since 10 or so, I have been brave enough to share this with a couple of girl friends and a couple of close mail friends and have never been rejected nor put down. I believe trust is the basis for any healthy relationship and believe risking it to gain trust is unavoidable.

I shared my orientation with my wife within the first year of our marriage and she was and continues to be supportive. She has no problem making love to me with dildos and even participates as well as instigates homosexual or bisexual fantasies with me. Because we have a deep trust she allows me to have my own solo time as well as cam with like minded men. She even encourages me to find a bisexual friend to enjoy man-to-man sex.

I believe you should share this with your wife, just be sensitive to the appropriate situation and timing.

[querty]

I believe you should share this with your wife, just be sensitive to the appropriate situation and timing.

Yep, that's right on the money

[Goodone]

Hey Green,
Your story parallels mine very closely. Fortunaltey for you, you are dealing with it much ealier in life than I did. Also to your advantage is that, in my opinion, male gay/bisexuality is much more accepted today than when than when I was your age. Or, maybe it's just that with the almighty internet we can all find each other.

Since I was a teen I had fantasies and urges for sexual encounters with men. These feelings would eb and flow. Sometimes it was all I could think about. Other times I would realize that it had been forever since I had given the situation any thought.

Then came marriage and kids and life and it was all sidelined for sometime, but never far below the surface. As I got older the desires came back. I wanted to figure this out, wanted to try it. If I liked it great, if I didnt, great. I really wanted to tell my wife, but like you, and most others, was too concerned about the reaction to risk it. I figured I'd just leave it to fantasy and have that as my own personal side. But for me, all that did was leave an ever nagging gap in my self esteem. An ever nagging "but what am I missing out on", and a resentment of sorts that I was allowing socieity to decitate who I was. I did eventually tell her, and she is now accepting and supportive, but it took growth on her part, for which she has told me she is grateful.

It was a long process for me to accept this part of my sexuality. It's a very private part of me. I dont share it with many, not because I am afraid to, but becuase I don't feel it's something that everyone needs, or deserves, to know about me.

So what's my advice? Formost, there is no hurry. Yes, deal with it, but get comforatble. This isnt a bad thing. It's actually an exciting thing to explore in yourself. Forums like this, introspective moments, "ah-ha!" moments. Find a confidant that you can sit with over beers and chat (I have dear feamle friend that helped me enourmously). Do not cheat on your wife. That will complicate all facets of your journey and could in-and-of-itself wreck your marriage. Dont discuss it with the wife if either of you is intoxicated. A cocktail or two to be lose, ok.

Good luck my friend! Hit me up for a chat if you see me on (it dont get here often).

Peter

Some awesome advice there, I wish I had read that 15 years ago when I was dealing with this same issue, my actions and results would have been very different. Read this advice, you may avoid some of the mistakes I made.

[CorePDX]

Since I was about 12 there have been instances where I noticed I was sexually attracted to guys. Later things started to become more apparent, like thinking about men and woman just about every time I stroked it. Then one day I just told someone I really trusted I was Bisexual and all the sudden I felt I had a much lighter relaxed feeling. So, I say I'm Bisexual because my body tells me I want to have sex with woman and men, and I must be true to myself.

I had a problem holding an erection with a woman I was once in love with. For me, it was because I was mentally stressed to an extreme that I could not comprehend. Your problem with not being able to cum in a woman may have similar implications. You understandably seem worried about all this and maybe talking to a doctor might help. I got a little help myself and with a little patience, trust, and time everything was working at peek performance.

[CorePDX]

One more thing, once I really started to explore and accept my sexuality it was like having a brand new toy. The last part may seem a little shallow but it's true and at the moment I'm horny more than usual.

[greenthumb95]

I agree with LDD. Bringing up gay/bi issues at opportune times and seeing how she talks about them may help. She obviously suspects something, otherwise she would not have asked you if you were gay. I think that she knows that you are attracted to men and probably thinks that makes you gay, which it doesn't necessarily. She probably doesn't even realize that bi is a possibility.

I suggest bringing up bisexuality in particular, to see if she even thinks it is a legitimate sexuality. That issue can greatly change her reaction. If she doesn't recognize it as legitimate, she may just jump to the conclusion that you must be gay.

I know it is easier not to be a bisexual especially in a society where both the homosexual and heterosexual communities tend not to recognize it. But we, as bisexuals need to accept our sexuality, it is part of who we are, we can't change it, and we can't expect other's to accept us if we don't accept ourselves.

I hope that all goes well with you telling her. It is a hard thing to do and we will be here to help you through it.


I mean, when I say gauge..like without bringing it up to her directly, to see if there is someway to tell how she might react. Do all of you think, from what I have told you that I am bisexual? When we first started dating, six years ago..seeing same sex affection, etc..she would make comments..but she doesnt really much anymore. I know that enjoying anal play is not indication of homo or bisexuality, but she makes lots of comments about that..like, she will say something to the effect of putting something in my butt, and i wont deny i like it. But, I just wish there was some way, some clue or something that could give me some indication of what she suspects, or what she thinks.

[Long Duck Dong]

there is not really a way to gauge her reaction but there are ways to gauge her tolerance levels....and that is to pay attention to what she says about LGBT people in general, when there is issues on the news or online about LGBT issues, same as same sex marriage......

things like her saying, " there is no reason why they should not be married " vs " no way should they be allowed to be married "

she could give every sign that she is LGBT supportive and tolerant, but may not be interest in having a lgbt partner... or she can be openly opposed to lgbt, but a closet LGBT lover and want a LGBT partner....

until she speaks her own mind, we can only assume......but after 6 years of her hints.... buddy, I would risk it cos it sounds like shes definately a lady worth talking with openly....

[greenthumb95]

Well, the hints are always played off as jokes, like she teases me. Is she serious?

[Long Duck Dong]

shes your partner, dude.... you should know....lol

seriously tho, its your relationship, your partner, your life, anything I say, doesn't matter when it comes down to talking to her and getting a answer.....

there is only one way that you will find out..... and many ways that you can question what to say, when to say it, how to say it.... and each day that you wait, is another day lost.....

next time she brings up the idea of shoving something in your ass... say yes..... is shes joking, she will back off... if shes serious she will go for it....

either way, you are losing time to enjoy your life.... with her or with somebody else.... and its only you that will regret your own actions for the rest of your life if you do not take the next step

[Jobelorocks]

I mean, when I say gauge..like without bringing it up to her directly, to see if there is someway to tell how she might react. Do all of you think, from what I have told you that I am bisexual? When we first started dating, six years ago..seeing same sex affection, etc..she would make comments..but she doesnt really much anymore. I know that enjoying anal play is not indication of homo or bisexuality, but she makes lots of comments about that..like, she will say something to the effect of putting something in my butt, and i wont deny i like it. But, I just wish there was some way, some clue or something that could give me some indication of what she suspects, or what she thinks.

There is no way to gauge her reaction directly and discretely. You can ask the hypothetical, "What if I was a bisexual? Would you be cool with it? Would you leave me?" But I think she would figure it out then especially with her past suspicions.

You should know by now she has her suspicions that you may be gay, heck I get that without even knowing you or her. She asked you in the past if you were and still probably has her lingering suspicions. Especially with her joking coupled with that. I mean I can't know for sure and you should have a better idea then me, but that is what I gather from the info you have given us.

One thing I did before I came out to my hubby was asking him hypothetical questions (we have a habit of asking each other hypotheticals all the time, so I thought he wouldn't suspect) I would ask questions like, "What if I was drunk and I started making out with a hot chick, what would you do?" I mean it seems silly, but hey it helped. The only way you can know for sure is actually coming out and saying it. There is no way to know for sure. There is risk involved in coming out to your spouse. No getting around that.

[querty]

I have an acquaintance that is a Talk Therapist (i.e counselor) and was chatting with her about bi-sexuality and the entire swing lifestyle (my wife and I are full swap swingers....yay!). The conversation was about how people broach these subjects with their partners. I mentioned the joke thing. Her comment was that in many cases people will "test the waters with a joke" to gauge the reaction and in hopes of opening the door to an idea.

It's a lower risk approach; "Oh, I was only joking" if its not what was hoped for, or "wow, you look intrigued" if its ok. Next time she makes a joke, open the door. If she jokes about anal play, respond with "I wonder what that would feel like?". If she comments about same sex play, say something like "Erotic, isn't it".

I think she is trying to open the door to discussion. Let's not over look the fact that she too may have Bi-side she is exploring, or is interested in anal play for her, and is trying to engage you. That she is making these comments when she's had something to drink makes me think so even more. She may be just as afraid as you.

And last, an example from my experience. We were sitting on the couch watching TV, an episode of Nip Tuck (if your not familiar with the show, it featured all manner of sexual situations). The characters were talking about watching each other have sex with someone else. I piped up "How hot is that?". Jann looked over at me a bit shocked, but I could tell intrigued, and I said "Sorry, just a fantasy of mine". Opened the door to a great conversation.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Well, the hints are always played off as jokes, like she teases me. Is she serious?

I hate to break it to ya honey, but she knows you might be gay or want to explore your gay side:bigrin: My sister does that sometimes when her ex husband comes around us, hell I do it too. But good luck with whatever you want out of life. I hope in the end your wife will find peace and happiness, and y'all both will someone that will love you.

[lovebimarriedman]

Since we married, I always tried to have anal sex with my wife, but she could not stand the pain. She would nerver let me to insert into her anus. I told her the anus is very sensitive and turns me on ... I guided her finger to my asshole and insert finger into my anus. For the last three years, Whenever I have sex with my wife ... She plays with my ass while I m fucking her til cum.
She also told me that whenever I sleep with another person. let her know; so she can stop our marriage ....... I do crave for a real cock so bad ... but I am so afraid to break up our family relationship ... Tell me what I should do

[greenthumb95]

There is no way to gauge her reaction directly and discretely. You can ask the hypothetical, "What if I was a bisexual? Would you be cool with it? Would you leave me?" But I think she would figure it out then especially with her past suspicions.

You should know by now she has her suspicions that you may be gay, heck I get that without even knowing you or her. She asked you in the past if you were and still probably has her lingering suspicions. Especially with her joking coupled with that. I mean I can't know for sure and you should have a better idea then me, but that is what I gather from the info you have given us.

One thing I did before I came out to my hubby was asking him hypothetical questions (we have a habit of asking each other hypotheticals all the time, so I thought he wouldn't suspect) I would ask questions like, "What if I was drunk and I started making out with a hot chick, what would you do?" I mean it seems silly, but hey it helped. The only way you can know for sure is actually coming out and saying it. There is no way to know for sure. There is risk involved in coming out to your spouse. No getting around that.

I know I am probably becoming annoying, but can you help me figure out like how she might react. Are there any clues? I guess I just want to know as much as possible of what she wonders/thinks/suspects before I tell her. I am so scared, you have no idea.

[greenthumb95]

I guess what i am asking..is there a way to "bait" her. Like, to get HER to bring it up, and maybe that would make it easier to talk about?

[Jobelorocks]

I know I am probably becoming annoying, but can you help me figure out like how she might react. Are there any clues? I guess I just want to know as much as possible of what she wonders/thinks/suspects before I tell her. I am so scared, you have no idea.


I guess what i am asking..is there a way to "bait" her. Like, to get HER to bring it up, and maybe that would make it easier to talk about?

I have told you to the best of my ability how to gauge her reaction. Hypotheticals, joking, and talking about bi and gay issues at opportune times is really the only realistic way. You can't really make someone bring up the subject, unless you leave non-verbal clues so she may ask about them (like leaving a paused bi porn movie on your computer). But I really think that isn't really a good way to go about it and probably won't make it easier at all to talk about.

There really isn't a way to really make someone else bring it up.You could wait for her to make a joke and use that as a jumping off point, but that s the only other thing I can think of. You just have to realize, there really isn't a way to figure out exactly how someone may react. You can just gauge their tolerance levels and make an educated decision.

You have to realize, this is NEVER an easy thing to bring up. Coming out is a hard thing, especially when you are coming out to a spouse. Hun, you have to accept the reality of the situation. You can't figure out exactly how someone will react until you tell them. period.

Many of us have been through this and understand that you wish you could figure out an easier way, but in the end if we want to tell them we have to be direct eventually. It is hard, but has to be done.

[greenthumb95]

From what I have posted on here, do you think i am indeed bisexual..or just weird and perverted? Do you think she knows?

[Jobelorocks]

From what I have posted on here, do you think i am indeed bisexual..or just weird and perverted? Do you think she knows?

Oh my gosh! Goodness gracious! I think from what you say you are indeed bisexual. YES I think she knows about your attraction to men. As I have said numerous times she wouldn't have asked you if you were gay if she didn't suspect at least. There really isn't a way for her to know for sure until you tell her, but she obviously sees some signs that you have some sort of attraction to males.

I don't know how many times I have to explain the same things.

[greenthumb95]

SOrry, i hope i didnt offend you. Just having a hard time accepting it.

[Jobelorocks]

You aren't offending me, just being a little annoying. I understand it is hard, I have been in your position before, but you are just thinking too much about it. It isn't easy, never going to be easy. I have explained my thoughts as far as I can. You can ask me more questions, just make sure that they aren't more repeats.

[NEPHX]

I guess what i am asking..is there a way to "bait" her. Like, to get HER to bring it up, and maybe that would make it easier to talk about?

Stop the games. You need to understand yourself. When you're ready, you'll know it. Because, you will have to HELP her understand what you figured out (so far) and help you. Many have said it.... you can hide it forever, for now or work through it WITH her.

Its like jumping off the high dive.... you can prepare yourself... but you don't know how it will end til you hit the water.

It sounds to me like you need to work on communication with your wife in general. This is hard for you. You have these feelings most, if not all, of your life. She hasn't been privy to them (much). If your relationship is strong, this might be easy. If not, it might be rougher. You know her, we don't. But, from the sounds of it... your wife knows you like the idea of "sex" with a guy or like a guy might do to you. How you put it together in the end might start one way and change over time as well.... NOTHING will remain static once you talk with her. You might start monogamous, move to swing, move to open or never venture outside your marriage or who knows... decide to break up for OTHER reasons (and blame this). You want a guarantee before you broach the subject. You will never get it from anyone.

Coming out to a spouse/gf/bf is not a one shot deal. They will go through stages of feelings. Fine with it today, anxiety attack tomorrow, denial the next day. You have to manage it with her. Support her. And, you will be dragging her into the "closet" with you. (What will Mom/Dad/friends/the dog think about this!!). She may likely have feelings that she might lose YOU.

When you tell her, to you, its all about YOU. To her, its going to be all about its affect on her! Read some books on "coming out" (and its starts with coming out to yourself if that's real). It takes time... takes talk (like this), etc. What works for one person will not be the same for another person(s). All of it gives you ideas. Different counselors will give you different advise (some good, some horrible). In the end, you MUST keep your OWN counsel.

Read up on sexuality (Kinsey Scale, Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG).
If you "do" the KSOG it might help you understand yourself better. Read a few books. Understand YOURSELF first.

Sexual Orientation is not JUST about sex. Its about attraction to others (same and/or opposite). Sex with a male or anal sex is also a physical thing which deals with the nerves in the anal area, the prostate, etc. You can get that from a toy/strap-on, etc. But if you LIKE and are attracted to guys... that a bigger picture (again, check out KSOG.... it really helps). It is generally fluid too. Many factors.

The thing about you not being able to orgasm in a women it not uncommon. It generically called delayed ejaculation (google it). It can be caused by too much stimulation (like too much masturbation). And, remember that if you j/o 10 times a week and have sex twice a week or month or whatever, guess what your little buddy is more used to?? You know EXACTLY what/how you are feeling when you masturbate and how to make yourself cum. If you lay off a few days or even more, you'll probably find you can orgasm inside your wife or even orgasm more quickly. But its seriously not uncommon (for M/F or M/M couples where the guys j/o to orgasm. It gets more common as you move from a 2-minute wonder 18-year old to a 3-hour marathon 60-year old....

Some men have delayed ejaculation for other reasons like meds, medical issues, etc. If you were not sexually attracted to your wife/women, you would more likely find that you could not get or maintain an erection (leave ED out of the equation for now as it has its own set of possibilities - both psychological and physiological). But you could also be "in your own head" so worried about cumming that you don't (or again, just physiological issues).

Like they say, RELAX.... like many things, the sexual journey is a process and you have to go through it at your own pace. Everyone is different. You may be asking yourself "am I bi" until your 110. Rather than do that, understand why you think you might be and embrace it as many have already said, and move forward in a POSITIVE manner. Consider yourself BLESSED that you are Bisexual. I do.