New to this forum and pretty new to acceptance.

[Goodone]

First off, Hi everyone.

Why did I not look for a forum a long time ago, the wealth of information and opinions here has already helped me in heaps of ways?

I am nearly 40 years old and in the last 6 months I had my second long term relationship fail, due partly to my bisexuality. Between the last relationship and my failed marriage I have spent 18 years in relationships where I had to hide and suppress what I am. Towards the end of my marriage I tried to accept my bisexuality and in the process understood that I should discuss it with my wife. This lead to large problems and the marriage failed within a few years after that, not solely for that reason but it did not help. Then in the second relationship I opened up a lot earlier but not straight away. The response I got was my sexuality was wrong, I was going to be a cheater, it was repulsive and it should never be discussed or mentioned again. So I continued to suppress my own sexuality again for the next 4 years, all the time progressively feeling that the society norms of falling in love, getting married and having kids does not fit me. Not surprisingly I could not live in that relationship, I could not live in the secrecy and I left (for other reasons as well).

So now I have come out of that relationship I was quite happy to not live in a relationship, actually did not want any relationship, now time to live as a single. I also allowed myself a lot of personal acceptance of my sexuality, not that I openly disclose it because to me it is my sexuality and not my identity. I am not new to being Bi, I have been for as long as I can remember and I have had the occasional male encounter since I was about 16. I have always known that I have been aroused by the male body, about the same time that I worked out that I was aroused by the female body too. The thing that has changed is I am now more comfortable with my sexuality and accept that it is just the way I am, I am not abnormal, and I am just a different form of normal.

Now this is where I am now being challenged on my views of people and what is normal and possible. I have become somewhat involved with another female, one that I do care about. It started out as some “mo strings attached” sex but has grown to more than that, you should never have sex with a true friend if you do not want more. I am a bit relationship phobic and she is too, neither of us wants a “relationship” and we are not intending on living together or anything like that. Our description of what we have is we are two best friends that fuck and we spend a lot of time together. We are very open with each other sexually and no topic is out of bounds. I pained for a long time on the question of telling her about my sexuality, expecting the bubble to burst the moment I mentioned it. I was thinking that I did not have to tell her for a while because we were openly not in a relationship and we had no rights of ownership over each other.

Eventually I did tell her, we had been having a marathon session of great sex and were chatting in bed, she told me that she likes porn but she prefers to watch gay porn, the contradiction of gentle touching of two masculine bodies excites her. She also told me that she fantasises about watching me masturbate some times. This was all a bit of a shock to me, I had suppressed my fantasies for so long that I was not used to the notion of being open about them. I saw the opportunity to tell her about me and took the plunge. Her reaction caught me completely by surprise and she told me that the thought of me with another guy was exciting. She told me I should not suppress that, I should experience it and enjoy it. Honestly I was a bit distrustful of her reaction and nervous that if it came to me “scratching my itch” as I call it, her attitude will change and I will lose her. After a lot of discussion, more sex (because she was so turned on by the thought) and then a lot more discussion over the next few weeks we came to some agreements, they were.
1. We have no claim over each other in our relationship and if I want to play with boys I can, just like she can play with girls if she wants to (not that she does).
2. She does not want to feel like she is competing with guys for me, I should do everything that I can to ensure that she does not have to compete.
3. I am open and honest about what I am doing, no lies or cover ups.
4. I am careful when I play.

Those were all fair in my opinion, have I met the perfect female for the bisexual male? She also said that she wants video of me with a guy and would love to be present to watch, maybe participate with me but not with the other male. This is where my “it’s too good to be true” alert sounded. I put her to the test and told her that I was meeting with a guy I know that is Bi as well, I told her that I was not likely to leave without “scratching the itch” and she said I should and can she have video. So I did meet him and we even made a short video for her just to see what her reaction was, it was a good reaction and we are now probably closer than ever.

Now I know many are probably thinking that I am lucky and what is the problem, just be grateful and enjoy it. I kind of feel the same way but there is this powerful uneasiness in me that still believes this is too good to be true and the bubble will burst. I have lived for so long feeling that I have to hide what I am, my urges are wrong and I should not act on them. I have always been made to feel that bisexuality is a form of deviance and does not fit in with any form of lasting relationship (yes I know we keep saying we are not in a relationship but the truth is we are). I find it difficult to accept that there is someone that is not repulsed by my sexuality. I know I should trust in her but dropping decades of defence mechanisms and secrecy is not easy.

So what to do now? I am feeling my way through very new territory right now which is both exciting and frightening at the same time. Do I put faith in others that what they say is the way it is or do I keep a healthy level of scepticism (whatever a healthy level is)? Do I involve the lady in my life in the other side of me (yes I consider it my other side) or do I keep some separation between my 2 sides. If I keep that separation does that mean I am still being secretive about it when I should not be?

Personally, I think it is the merging of two sides of my life that have previously been very separate that makes me the most uncomfortable.
What are your thoughts and experiences?

[Long Duck Dong]

welcome to bisexual.com......

lol ok... so what do you do now ??? take your past, and put it on the shelf and handle things as a new experience, a chance to live and grow as you

its easy for me to say that, but in truth I am having to do the same thing myself and have been for the last 4 years with a partner that has interests that match mine, after a good number of years of putting * me* on hold for the sake of others......

in a relationship, its a case of blurring the lines between what do I do for me, and what do I do for us.... should you keep your other side seperate, is a question that is best answered by saying how do you both feel about the openness and honesty in the relationship, as its something that the relationship can be affected by......

some people have partners that have a *DADT* type understanding, their partner doesn't ask, and they do not tell their partners... but there is the understanding that there is consent and permission to have a second life....

other people have a interest in knowing what is going on, but no interest in being actively involved.....

and then we have the people that have partners that are saying, half time, change partners....lol

based around what I read, your new partner has a interest in gay porn and viewing gay sexual encounters.... and that can indicate a interest in more active participation, the trouble there is that some people have the voyeuristic interest only, and not a interest in active participation, so my advice is talk with your partner about her desires and interests, is she interested in knowing more and being actively involved or just a voyeuristic aspect......

lol some people would call your situation a friends with benefits situation, others may call it a uncommitted relationship.... it doesn't really matter what you call it, as long as you are both happy with the situation...
some people perfer to think of situations like yours as FwB cos that way its easier to walk away when its not working that way.... but it makes no difference what you call it, when it ends, it leaves a space in your life.....

some people use your type of situation as a way to have a connection that is like a relationship in nature as that suits them more than a commited relationship with the trappings of responsibility, compromise etc etc..... but it also gives a lot more freedoms to people as well.. and that can be empowering to some people.......

so the question you both have to ask yourselves, is how much are you both going to invest into the situation and open yourselves up to each other and are you both going to......
personally I would be wary of making amateur porn vids for anybody even my own partner as they can often come back to haunt us..... so you have already taken a great leap of faith within your situation and that generally indicates a good level of trust with the lady.....

the hard part for you, as you have said, is believing that its real and not a dream..... and unfortunately that is something that is always a possibility regardless of who we are..... for some people its become a reality come true, others, a shattered dream that turned into a nightmare and for some people, its ended in a tragic way with the loss of the partner........
so you have to decide for yourself if you want to live the dream or treat it as a dream.......

ultimately my advice to you is talk with your lady about how you feel, what you think and feel..... as sometimes that is one of the best ways to help yourself come to terms with your past and your understanding of your own life..... and in a lot of ways, * heal * the past.......

it does sound like the type of situation that many people would love to have, and that yes, you are a very blessed man..... and I do hope that that it never goes bad for either of you......

[Goodone]

Thanks LDD, some very astute observations from you and it sounds like a topic that you have had to think about before. Which is why I posed the questions, I wanted opinions of others that have walked this ground before me.

The FWB label does not really fit us in many ways, it does go beyond that but not to the full commitment stage, anyway that is how we have rationalised it.

As for her participation, I think that her wishes are more of an observer than active participant, something I am pretty comfortable with.

As for the videos, I was originally uncomfortable with the idea but I do trust her, completely. The fact that I have told her about this secret side of me told me that I could trust her with the video, she already has enough to damage me with and anyway faces were not in the video. More extensive video I am not so sure about for the reasons you have mentioned, I think I would be more comfortable with her just being there.

I am just glad that I have stumbled across this forum, it is nice to know that I am not walking this ground on my own, others have been here before. This is one topic that is difficult to discuss with my friends and family, they either do not understand or are unlikely to.

[Realist]

Welcome to the site, Goodone.

I see a lot of my same situation in your history, except you were smarter, sooner, than I was. Afraid that no one would ever accept my bisexuality, I kept it hidden through most of my life. I never would have told my parents, or those friends who I knew were staunchly straight, but I certainly should have told my female lovers and 3 wives. (I did tell them that I had been with males in my youth, but left the impression that was all behind me)

You seem to have a pretty good grasp on things and it's great that you have an understanding, loving partner, who let's you be your true self.

I doubt if you need much advice from anyone, but sometimes it's good to hear yourself talking......resolving most of your own problems, in the process!

Good luck and Happy New Year!

[tenni]

Hi Goodone
The one point that stood out is your comment about the "other side" of you. Before I knew about the word and idea about bisexuality the only way that I could deal with my duo attraction was to create two boxes in my mind. One was for women and one was for men. I could not put them together and be comfortable. Even bi porn with both men and women in it wasn't something that I readily dealt with or sought out. It took me quite awhile before I could watch bi porn privately by myself. Maybe you are comfortable with that aspect?

I think that you have met a wonderful woman but I can understand your uncertainty. Maybe you will not have sex with a man with her present. If you are not comfortable then don't have a threesome. Have you tried watching bi porn with her? That may be a first step to becoming comfortable. Explain to her how you have seen this as two sides of yourself and that you have kept them separate. She seems like a person who would understand. Just because she is open to it or even wants to be present doesn't mean that you MUST be comfortable doing that. Take you time. Maybe, you will never have a man and woman with you having sex at th same time. No one says that is a requirement of bisexuality. ;)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Welcome to the group, Hon. And welcome to your acceptance of you..:}
Cat

[ErosUrge]

In chorus with everyone else, welcome to the site Goodone.

Your situation sounds so eerily familiar to me. Your life in so many ways is a reflection of my own and even to the present day. I am seeing a woman too on a regular basis who I've been friends with for the last 22 years and only in the last 10 years have we been sexual. We agreed to just being friends with the occasional romp 10 years ago, then stopped when she got involved with another guy. That all came to an end about 5 years ago and nothing happened sexually between us after the demise of that relationship. Being friends, we stayed in communication throughout that time. She proposed the idea to start up our sensual pleasures again and since then she and I are sharing incredible moments of sex over the last 7 months. She too has no issues whatsoever to me being with men and most women too. The major difference I see between your situation and mine is that this woman and I only get together when we have sex...we don't go out on dates of any kind. Though we discuss many different things on the phone and when we're together, the basis for getting together is strictly for sex.

We both have talked about and understand how a serious relationship would not work for us and are happy with things as they are. And the agreement is that if either of us becomes interested in something serious with someone else, then our sensual pleasures will stop unless approved by our new partner and is something we still want to do. Regardless of what happens our friendship will always remain.

As you've already stated, it is apparent that the two of you are in a relationship with some strings attached. It's the very thing I want as well where I can relate with and am interested in more than just sex with the woman. And of course with both of us having the freedom to experience our sexual hungers when they arise yet staying connected and into each other. When that happens with me I think that I will probably feel very similar to you wondering if it's going to last and all the rest, etc etc etc.
But I think that we both know without a doubt that if it's real and we don't give in to that thinking, chances are the situation has a better opportunity of being successful. No one can say for sure, but I trust this is true.

I wish you the best now and beyond....

[Goodone]

Thanks for some great replies, refreshing being able to talk about these things for once.

We have talked about the idea of the other person extensively since my first post and it looks like we have come up with a plan.

It turns out that rather than just watch she may want to join in but only at a level of participation that suits her. I have given this a lot of thought to ensure that I am comfortable with this idea and I am. It became quite clear to us after some discussion that she would not be after a relationship with the other person any more than I am. Of course we will arrange a meeting with the other person first and be open and honest with them about what our intentions are.

I look at it as being only fair, I get to play with another person so she should too. To be honest I find the whole idea rather exciting as well as being very refreshing not having to hide my bisexuality in the shadows, my dark side is not so dark anymore.

[Cc33guy]

Sounds like you can finally be YOU... The reason this is working is because there is open communication. Keep the honesty up and regardless you cannot fail. Your living the dream. Don't screw it up by lying to yourself or anyone else.

[Goodone]

Sounds like you can finally be YOU... The reason this is working is because there is open communication. Keep the honesty up and regardless you cannot fail. Your living the dream. Don't screw it up by lying to yourself or anyone else.

That is the promise that has been made, I can "scratch the itch" as we call it, but I have to be honest when I do or I am planning to. I am very comfortable with this condition and believe it is completely fair.

[bityme]

Now I know many are probably thinking that I am lucky and what is the problem, just be grateful and enjoy it. I kind of feel the same way but there is this powerful uneasiness in me that still believes this is too good to be true and the bubble will burst. I have lived for so long feeling that I have to hide what I am, my urges are wrong and I should not act on them. I have always been made to feel that bisexuality is a form of deviance and does not fit in with any form of lasting relationship (yes I know we keep saying we are not in a relationship but the truth is we are). I find it difficult to accept that there is someone that is not repulsed by my sexuality. I know I should trust in her but dropping decades of defence mechanisms and secrecy is not easy.

So what to do now? I am feeling my way through very new territory right now which is both exciting and frightening at the same time. Do I put faith in others that what they say is the way it is or do I keep a healthy level of scepticism (whatever a healthy level is)? Do I involve the lady in my life in the other side of me (yes I consider it my other side) or do I keep some separation between my 2 sides. If I keep that separation does that mean I am still being secretive about it when I should not be?

Personally, I think it is the merging of two sides of my life that have previously been very separate that makes me the most uncomfortable.
What are your thoughts and experiences?

Welcome Goodone!

I understand the difficulty you are experiencing, but it certainly appears that your lady is the one who can help you the most. Yes, there are many wonderful, supportive women who not only find bisexual men attractive, but are turned on by it.

I know that you have viewed yourself as having "two sides," but you really are just one person, having many things you like and others you do not. Your sexuality falls into those same categories. You are already "merged." It has just been that you have experienced problems in the past when trying to find acceptance by others.

You have taken the right steps. Your open and honest communication with your lady has shown that she not only accepts you, she supports and appreciates your fulfillment of your desires. Allow those feeling to blossom and grow. The more involved she is, the less need there will be to explain or disclose your activities and letting her be a part will lessen the chance of her feeling as though it might be taking something away from your relationship.

I have such a lady who I recently married. What works for us may not always work for others, but for us it is perfect. We are both bisexual, completely open and honest with each other, and experience no jealousy over the other shaving sex with someone outside our marriage, if fact, we find it a wonderful addition to it. We enjoy watching each other with other partners of any gender and participating as well. We had a great joint bachelor/bachelorette party with our bisexual friends, a wonderful wedding and private honeymoon, and tomorrow will have a special wedding reception with our bisexual friends.

Take things slowly, find what works for you. Spend lots of time discussing each shared experience so you learn more about each others likes and dislikes. Let yourselves take the journey together. Be creative or experimental, when alone or with others, and find the level you are most comfortable with. As you keep your communication open and honest, you will probably find that your relationship becomes even stronger and your level of comfort and participation may very well change. If either of you have a desire for something new or with greater involvement, discuss it ahead of time and make the decision together. If you do this, you will find that both of your enjoy what takes place. You may also find that sometimes the new idea didn't really work out. That's OK. Generally if things are not what we expected, it is due to the variables that arise when you bring others in from outside your relationship. We cannot control the fact that a third person might not have been as open and honest as we were.

Good luck with your journey!

Pappy