married, straight husband, bi-wife

[SoCalCouple]

I would appreciate input/advice from men/women/couples in our specific situation: married, straight husband, bi-wife. Very happily married, two young kids, wife recent discovered she's bi. My perspective as husband: I'm being very supportive, I want my wife to be sexually fulfilled, but I also want to protect our marriage/family. This is still rather new and my wife is taking "baby steps" in terms of her self-discovery. She's not sure whether she'll even want to act on this, i.e. find a girlfriend. Maybe this could be something we just enjoy together by discussing her desires and fantasies.

I'm guessing there are other couples out there who have gone through this process in the context of a happy marriage. Please share your insights and advice with us. I'm hoping to hear from both wives and husbands, including those who do and don't actually act on the bi-wife's desires.

Thanks.

[Jobelorocks]

I am a bi wife of a straight husband and we swing. When you have kids, it can make things more difficult. Children generally can't understand the whole swinging thing and generally when they are old enough, are ashamed that their parents swing. It is really up to the two of you, but I would suggest that you try to keep that part of your life private to protect your children from ridicule.

[bityme]

I would appreciate input/advice from men/women/couples in our specific situation: married, straight husband, bi-wife. Very happily married, two young kids, wife recent discovered she's bi. My perspective as husband: I'm being very supportive, I want my wife to be sexually fulfilled, but I also want to protect our marriage/family. This is still rather new and my wife is taking "baby steps" in terms of her self-discovery. She's not sure whether she'll even want to act on this, i.e. find a girlfriend. Maybe this could be something we just enjoy together by discussing her desires and fantasies.

I'm guessing there are other couples out there who have gone through this process in the context of a happy marriage. Please share your insights and advice with us. I'm hoping to hear from both wives and husbands, including those who do and don't actually act on the bi-wife's desires.

Thanks.

It's great that you are supportive. It is also good that you have the kind of communication between you that resulted in the disclosure before acting on her desires. It means that she has great love and respect for you and wants to be honest and open.

I would suggest that not only should you continue to support her, you should become an active participant. The best way to support her is to accept the person she is, and the person she is becoming.

Take a look at what I said in a similar thread " Bisexual MMF within a relationship to? or not to do?"

Here is the link: http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12241

Your continued support, encouragement and active participation could actually strengthen your marriage and at the same time, be very enjoyable.

Best Wishes,

Pappy

[Realist]

My first wife was bisexual, too; my marriage had some similarity to yours. Although, I was/am bisexual, too, my first wife held one of those double standards you hear of. Feeling that it was natural and perfectly OK for a lady to be bisexual, her opinion was that it was perverted and disgusting for males to be lovers!

I loved her so much that I accepted that I'd remain monogamous, while she'd be allowed to to "spread her wings". (with some agreed-upon parameters) The arrangement actually worked pretty well for us. At no time did our marriage, or sexual life, suffer because of her bisexuality. If anything, it enhanced it.

The marriage didn't last long...only 5 1/2 years...but, her/my sexuality wasn't the reason it failed. (I made a huge error, relating to an adversary relationship between my mother and my wife...I took my mother's side of their feud, even though Mom was wrong, so my wife left. I was too bull-headed to correct the issue and go after my wife.) Lesson learned, too late!

Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing. I found out, long ago, the best way to deal with your wife's interests is allow her the freedom to explore. Her desire to be with another woman, does not mean she doesn't love you. She may even love you more for allowing her to be herself.

I agree with Jobel, there's no reason to tell children. I certainly had no interest in my parents' sexual history and I made sure they never knew about mine!

I think you are on the right path.

[xercisecoach]

Hi...
Fantastic thread and question... Even tho I am a bi male and now divorced cause my ex refuse to accept, which is fine I have met many cpls in the last 2 yrs who were exactly in your situation and they moved forward by sitting together online and searching out others just like you have here, then meeting for coffee and listening to each other and getting to know others outside of a sexual atmosphere and the other commonality was that they all joined a local swingers club and slowly got to know personally many cpls... the women became friends with other wives and slowly explored their fantasies....Everyone in the swingers clubs are so respectful of each other and will not force you. One thing you might wanna keep in check at least for the first while is make sure that regardless you play as a cpl and not herself on her own.... be there for her, encourage here and enjoy the view while she goees on here journey, then later discuss it while in bed... Thats where your sex life will enhance even more between you two....

Best of luck and have fun..

[lilme]

I was married to a guy who also was bi, and we both knew about each other before we got married. At first we just talked about staying away from the other friends we had, but after about 3 months both of us got the urge and we started to see our friends and after about a month after that we started to swing together. We had some great times and made many friends, and of course we did not have any kids. We had many encounters and enjoyed our sexual desires, but then my ex fell for this one guy and it got really hot between them, and after 2-1/2 years we separated and divorced. He is living with him now as a couple and i live alone and enjoying my life. So be careful.

[SoCalCouple]

I appreciate the input thus far.

I'd love to hear from more bi-wives...

How do you balance your bi-desires with your marriage?
Can it work within a happy marriage?
How does your husband handle it?

How do you decide whether or not to ACT on your bi-desires?

Can a person be truly happy and content while never acting out these desires?

Thanks.

[Briar Rose]

Happiness is one of those slippery definitions.

I'm a bi-wife with a straight husband. I've been happily, sappily married for 21 years. I have two children. I have never stepped out on my husband. I never will. His personal history is such that it would be soul-destroying for him. I love him, and for me, one of the definitions of love is that you put your beloved before yourself--when it's important. And this particular thing is for us.

Can someone be happy without supporting their same sex desires? I am. I can't speak for anyone else. But being happy for me isn't some rosy adolescent dream of a "perfect life" (what the heck is that anyway?). Nobody gets everything they want or even everything they need in life. Serious, real compromises must be made. This is one of mine. It may not be one for your wife. Every situation is different.

I'm odd too. It was a lot harder to ignore in my twenties and thirties--I had much more same sex desire at that point. I seem to have swung more hetero but more kinky in my forties. I've also gone back to my older, more dominant 'tomboy' self. That's what I mean by every situation being different. It's also why I will only speak for myself and not generalize particularly.

I don't know if it makes any difference but I'm one of the ones who knew that they were bi way back in childhood before I had a word or a definition for the way I felt.

[Realist]

During my 1st marriage (5.5 years) I lived without practicing my bisexuality. I was in love and loved by a woman, who would not have been happy sharing me. For the most part, I rarely regretted living the straight life and temptations were effortlessly overcome.. The secret was the love and belonging I felt. If I hadn't done something remarkably stupid (not sexually connected) we would probably still be together.

2nd marriage to a girl I never loved: I lied and cheated for at least 21 of those 23 years. I had lovers of both genders, but never found fulfillment. Terrible way to live, hated myself, but once it began, I was almost powerless to end it.

3rd and last marriage, for 10 years, I didn't succumb to temptation, although at times, I was sorely tempted. But, the marriage ended, anyway.

So, as far as I'm concerned, a bisexual person can be monogamous and not be in heat for other bisexual, or gay, people. I think the secret is love, respect, and the will to live in peace and continuity.

Too late in life, I learned that for me, it's best to be with someone who is bi-friendly, or also bisexual. I have a fantastic bisexual girlfriend, now, and often reflect on how much better my life is and would have been.......if I'd realized that sooner!

[Gutsy]

Hi there. I am brand new here and am looking to make friends and get some advice. I'm a bi wife of a straight hubby. I discovered this about 3 months ago and i've spent a lot of time trying to work it all out in my mind. We've got two sons, too, of 13 and 11.

This has been a really hard road, I'll be honest. I'm committed to my hubby and love him so cheating is not going to be an option. I told him about the bisexuality and he thinks its sexy and is trying to help me come to acceptance of it.

Well long story short I've lost a lot of friends as Ive withdrawn from the wider community to focus on this and other issues in my life. There's very few people I can tell about this, although I have told and received support from some gay friends. I think like any issue in a marriage as long as both parties are suportive, loving and compassionate, it can be worked through and maybe the marriage will be stronger for it. Good luck and maybe we can support each other on our roads.

[Jobelorocks]

I appreciate the input thus far.

I'd love to hear from more bi-wives...

How do you balance your bi-desires with your marriage?
Can it work within a happy marriage?
How does your husband handle it?

How do you decide whether or not to ACT on your bi-desires?

Can a person be truly happy and content while never acting out these desires?

Thanks.

I am a bi wife to a straight husband. To answer your first question I have fun with women, with my husband present and/or participating, but solely on a sexual level, no romantic ties. I would be willing giving up doing things with women if it bothered my husband, but it doesn't, so that is not an issue.

For the second question, we are very happily married. We have our rules for sexual activities set, we don't break them, and it has caused zero conflict within our marriage. Communication, setting boundaries, and abiding by those boundaries are key in keeping your relationship a happy and healthy one, especially in mixed sexuality marriages.

My husband has no issues handling it. In fact he likes it. I think it would be harder for him if I had romantic attraction to women, but I am only sexually attracted to them. I also let him know often that I love him and I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone but him. I think that reassurance helps.

My husband and I swing and we use a swingers site to find people to play with. If we are both interested and contact them and they are also attracted, then I will pursue my bisexual desires.

I think that someone can be happy without acting out their bisexual desires, but it depends on the person. I think I would be able to, I would fantasize about women, but my husband is way more important to me than acting out my desires.

Hope this helps.

[parageneric]

We are a happily married couple with the Bi wife. We enjoy life, embrace her sexuality. We are in search of another bi female to join us on a regular basis. We have a very honest an respectful relationship. We have been married four years this month. There are benefits as far as girl watching, she will point out attractive females to me, and I will bring females to her attention. We have one simple rule that works for us in all of our adventures. We both have to be there, we both have to be ok with the other partner. Of course she is bi so we have invited some of my male friends to join us and she enjoys that scenario as well ..... so for us life is good

[gowllxx]

Hi there SoCal, any follow up? After a lot of self reflection my wife has told me she is bi (not a big surprise) and like you we have a young family to protect. I've given her the green light for a casual relationship (not romantic) if she finds right woman as long as all is kept open.

[worryman]

I am new here, not sure how or where to post, But my question is about my wife. She had a fantasy about sleeping with a women, I let her fulfill her fantasy with a friend of hers. Do you think it is possible for those 2 to just be friends again. I know both women enjoyed it. But she told me she would not do anything behind my back. As a man I don't think I could be just friends with someone I had sex with, Just wondering how a women would feel.

[synabun]

I am a bi wife with a str8 hubsand.. 3 kids...14, 12, 3.. your children will eventually learn outside of your family about ppl and there sexuality. U can b honest wit them but u also dont have to tell the everything about what mommy and daddy is doing.

My 14 yr old daughter has questioned me about what a bisexual is.. I didnt like how she came to me. It was like it was a disease or sumthing that scared her to death..So i told her that she has nothing to fear and only God is allowed to pass judgment on ppl and since we r into church that kind of eased her mind a lil .. The world will do nother but to put fear into our childrens heads.. So as parents we have to show them right frm wrong. And how to love no matter wat.. U can only shelter your children for a while.. but eventually they will find out.. So what better way for them to learn and find out is by you.... stay safe...