Advice from experienced bi married men please

[jabarl]

I have come to recognise my bisexuality and it has been a real struggle. Had some periods where I have been really depressed and anxious about it. Really, I guess it's because I would like it to not be there at all. because I have a very strong hetro side it is something that seems to come and go. I've come to the conclusion that this is something I need to reconsile and learn to really love about myself rather than being glad when the gay feelings arn't as strong.

To add to this I'm married with young child and my wife has always known about these feelings i have. I think she thinks I'm confused and not really bisexual (I am just slightly more staight than gay). I have explained to her early on that I might have to experience more ofen as we get older (I love her and want to stay with her). I just feel that there is one part of me missing by not aknowleging or loving this other side of myself.

The question I have is. Does experimenting help you to accept your sexuality and maybe even love it - or does it lead to more problems like more confusion.

thanks for your help

JABARL

[welickit]

The feelings you have are quite normal. Think back to how it felt when you were waiting for the time you finally got your first experience with a real live pussy!

What you do with these new feelings in terms of experimenting is a totally different ball game. Keep your wife involved and keep open communications with her. Assuming you have been honest with her she can be your best friend going through this or she can be something quite different. Ask her opinion, ask her for advise. Even though she may not have answers she will see that you still respect her enough to share with her and be honest and open with her. Naturally there are other options which come along with a variety of consequences. If the relationship with her is open to honest communication keep it that way. If it isn't open to honest communication you will get plenty of replies anyway. We hope it works out for you.

[redngoldpride]

when experimenting it may take time to find your likes and dislikes such as do you prefer masculine or effeminate men or do you prefer crossdressers or maybe you like to dress in panties be the girl, when finding yourself just be honest with yourself and with your wife, if she should want to be involved be open to this if you both discuss it and agree completely but most importantly do not hold back let go completely and unashamedly and do what satisfies you completely

[bikiniman]

I would not consider myself "experienced" however my experience has been that it is possible to accept this your side of yourself and learn to love it without experimenting.

I have talked at length with a counsellor about my feelings and have talked to my wife on occasions. Being able to talk to someone openly and honestly about your feelings is really important in the process of learning to accept and love this side of your self.

I would suggest that you talk openly and honestly with your wife about your feelings before experimenting. As you suggest experimenting when you do not fully accept and love this side of your self may cause more confusion/problems eg guilt.

[Intoital]

The first couple of replies are fantastic. I'm past the "accepting" that part of myself. I am what I am. I desire what I desire. I too am mostly hetero, but lately I've been awash with desire to have another experience with another man. I love my SO and won't do anything to mess that up, we're also going to wait till the kids grow up before we branch out. For me, I we could just "play" a couple times of year, I feel like my thirst would be quinched. I don't know how to get past these desires and feeling fulfilled in a complete sexual way when I am feeling overly bi. I think it's a struggle a lot of us deal with. Essentially, your not alone.

[bityme]

Having been Bi over 40 years, I guess I fall in the experienced category. My experience, however, is not anyone's norm but my own. Each of us have differences in our tastes and desires. It will take some time for you to find yours.

Like the prior posters, I cannot over-emphasize the importance of open and honest communication with your wife. It's good that you disclosed your tendency to her prior to the marriage and have kept her advised of your feelings. Her involvement can be very helpful in your exploration. That will, of course, depend on her level of acceptance of any activities you might engage in.

First, your question: "Does experimenting help you to accept your sexuality and maybe even love it - or does it lead to more problems like more confusion?"

Simply put, in two parts, Yes and Possibly. Actually engaging in physical activities with another man is really the only way to determine if you actually are attracted to men and that your urges have not just been a fantasy. That you will probably know with your first experience. As you gain more experience, you will become more comfortable with other men and with your own feelings about yourself. At the same time, however, experimentation has the possibility of leading to more confusion.

There are some elements that you should be aware of. Bisexuality is often looked at as having two sides or components; physical and emotional. I have yet to meet a bisexual, male or female, that was not attracted physically to some individuals of the same gender. Generally, there is a desire to engage in anywhere from very specific acts to a wide range of interaction with another of the same gender. With men there are all sorts of different tastes and desires, from just watching each other masturbate, to oral activities, to fully involved anal activities. As redngoldpride mentioned, some like masculine or effeminate men, panties or crossdressers. In my experience, there is no true "norm." You may even find that the urges you have now will grow and change as you gain experience.

Your first experience could have a great effect. If it is a bad one, you may forever refrain from further pursuit while as the same time still experiencing the desire and being more and more frustrated. It is therefore important that you do whatever you can to ensure that your first experience is good, at least to the extent that you feel safe and comfortable and that your interaction is with someone who understands it is your first time and is willing to take things slowly, gently, and not be overly aggressive.In such an environment you will be able to honestly evaluate your own level of enjoyment, your desire for future exploration, and your feelings about yourself.

For a first experience, you should afford yourself adequate time to have a comfortable conversation, your physical activity, and additional conversation. Situations like a quick blow job in a local park, restroom, or a parked car should be avoided. You have too much to risk to take a chance at breaking the law, plus, in such situation there is often an overwhelming desire to run away immediately after cumming.

The emotional component: While emotions are always present, what I refer to her is the emotional connection that one desires to establish with the same sex partner. That could be anywhere from none, to friendship, to falling in love. My experience has been that most bisexual men fall into the none or friendship categories with the smaller percentage being those who fall in love with a same sex partner. It appears that this often bears a relationship to the individuals involvement with opposite sex partners at the same time. It also may be affected by the nature and extent of a wife's involvement in a husband's same sex activities and vice versa.

Another component is the nature and extent of your wife's involvement. In any relationship, when one of the parties has a need or desire that the other cannot provide or satisfy, and they seek fulfillment or satisfaction of that need or desire elsewhere, there is a great potential for the partner to view the other's going elsewhere as a rejection of him or herself and the relationship. This feeling of rejection can also arise from their perception of their partner's romantic involvement with the person outside of the relationship. The more involved your wife is the lower the possibility of this occurring.

You appear to have good communication between you, however, you have given no information about her reactions or support of your experimentation. Ideally, you should attempt to make that exploration together. She could assist in your selection of prospective male partners and, if willing, could even be present to watch or even join in your meetings with the man selected. Regardless of her level of involvement, it is important to keep her informed and reassured that you exploration does not detract from your feelings for her or your desire to remain married and have your life together.

Best wishes as you begin your journey.

Pappy

[jabarl]

These are some really wonderful replies. I just love to here those with a lifetime of experience. Would love to here from more of you guys married or in LTR. Thanks to all so far.
JABARL

[Michigan_cpl]

well what you have do is is first love and accept your self for who you are really are. then second you have to be open and honest with your partner about your feelings, yes it will be hard and scary for you but be honest.

who knows, maybe your partner might want to watch or join you in action, some women do and some women don,t you will never know unless you ask her or him.

try watching some bisexual porn, or even gay porn together, then if there is something that floats your boat in the movie, then try explaining to your partner that you would like to try that. you will be surprised at what will happen.

i have come clean to my wife about this same problem and now we are still happily married and we are both now bisexuals and love love it.

[want2havefun]

...you have to be open and honest with your partner about your feelings...

i have come clean to my wife about this same problem and now we are still happily married and we are both now bisexuals and love love it.


Its really great when it all works out. But this scenario can just as easily end up as "I told my spouse and now I am making support payments and living by myself in a van down by the river".

The key is really knowing ones spouse/partner. Some have knowledge all along and are able to accept things. Others take to it readily, or hesitantly, and then ultimately even play along or allow freedom to play. Some however will never accept such behavior or even fantasies in their partner. Thats just the plain truth.

[69luvr]

I have come to recognise my bisexuality and it has been a real struggle. Had some periods where I have been really depressed and anxious about it. Really, I guess it's because I would like it to not be there at all. because I have a very strong hetro side it is something that seems to come and go. I've come to the conclusion that this is something I need to reconsile and learn to really love about myself rather than being glad when the gay feelings arn't as strong.

To add to this I'm married with young child and my wife has always known about these feelings i have. I think she thinks I'm confused and not really bisexual (I am just slightly more staight than gay). I have explained to her early on that I might have to experience more ofen as we get older (I love her and want to stay with her). I just feel that there is one part of me missing by not aknowleging or loving this other side of myself.

The question I have is. Does experimenting help you to accept your sexuality and maybe even love it - or does it lead to more problems like more confusion.

thanks for your help

JABARL

experimenting will help clear your mind and point you in the right direction.

[mikey3000]

Bi guy here, married and my wife knows and accepts it and me. Firstly, good for you that you were honest with your wife right from the start. And she still married you too. That means half the work is done. Try to explain to her what you get from a woman (her) and what you get from a guy. contrast the two and try to figure out what it is that you need from a guy. Is it just physical, emotional or a mix of both? Once you figure that out for yourself, then you can explain it better to your wonderful wife. All the time reassure her that it is not her fault that you need male companionship. Talk, talk, and talk somke more with her.

Good luck.

[ckman314]

Bi Married guy hear.



I knew before I met my wife I was bi and was already experimenting. I believe experimenting is your best way of finding out what your true feelings are. I can promise you after your first encounter with a man your gonna have a feeling of guilt and disgust with your self because you have been telling yourself for so long that it is unnatural, but as time goes on you will either keep that feeling of guilt and disgust or it will go away and you will come too find you enjoyed it and want to do it again.

As the others have stated make sure you keep your wife involved every step of the way.


Hope I could help in anyway

[Emunahd]

Just had to drop in and give props to everyone here for the honesty. It has restored my faith to some degree. It's the only way to be!

[BiCplAz]

Have u tried swinging. When I met my SO she said she was str8 and knew I was bi. We started swinging with some bi couples, see the pics, so she could have sex with just men if she wanted but then another woman went down on her and she enjoyed it very much. Anyway I could follow my str8 side or bi side in the open, to her at least and we've been together for 20 years now. We never had a argument or bad words becuz we are open about everything.

[NakedInSeattle]

Long-time married and long-time bi. All of the advice above my comment are all good and should be taken to heart.

I suggest communication with the wife - pure and simple. Just to sum up my feelings...the best outcome would be a healthy, happy relationship with your wife (as mine is) and have friends with the benefits that you like. The worst outcome is that you will have to give it (bi) up. And, of course, there are a few stops in between.

[jabarl]

Absolutely loving this thread.

Wouldn't it be great if we all met up for one big orgy! LOL

You guys are really helpfull. Love hearing your stories. It makes me start to think that with a bit of communication the bisexual thing isn't such a big deal.

More of your experiences would be great.

[bigregory]

It is all about telling your wife.
When I opened up to my wife it was like opening a window.
That let it all be better.
It might be hard to tell her ,but its so good if she understands.
She might not,and that would be sad.
best to you

[jabarl]

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those who responded. It has been a big help. I realise I need to live a more bisexual lifestyle because I need to understand and enjoy the gay part of me more. I hope my wife comes with me on this journey because I know it is something I must do.
JABARL