Calling All Bisexual (and gay) Men for Advice

[Rear Rocket]

My husband of 4 years has recently told me that he is bisexual. He watches gay porn, and has apparently been unhappy and depressed for a long time while trying to figure out what this attraction is and keeping it a secret. He told me that he had sex with a guy when he was 16. He has been loyal to me throughout our relationship. He told me that he still wants to be with me in a monogamous relationship and loves me very much. I want to be with him too. I told him to go out and have experiences to find out how deep this goes, but he said he doesn't want to. He's been happier lately, and a little more flamboyant than usual. I asked him that if I died or left him tomorrow, if he could see himself being with another guy both physically and romantically. He said yes. The romantic part bothers me, and I'm having difficulty adjusting to this news. What I'm afraid of is that he's actually gay but choosing to be with me just because he loves me so much and can't picture his life without me. As if I'm comfortable for him, but he in fact has a deep desire for men. He says that's not the case, but he's also talked about moving to San Francisco and meet members of the gay community. Are there any signs to look for that he is bisexual and not in fact gay? Like is there anything sexually or emotionally a bisexual man might do, but a gay man wouldn't? He goes down on me and wants sex on a daily basis but prefers anal. He still seems to desire me in the bedroom but he doesn't kiss me much outside of it and is distant sometimes. Any thoughts on any of this? I could use some advice.

[keefer201]

This is a great question and one I am recommending.

[bityme]

You have to be a wonderful lady to have been so understanding and open to communicating with him about his desires. Keep that going, it will strengthen your relationship.

He is apparently struggling with his own thoughts. The fact that he has not taken you up on the permission you gave him to experiment and wants to remain monogamous is an indication of his love for and commitment to you. It is also an indication favoring his being bisexual instead of being gay. His increased sex drive and attraction to you supports this. It is also an indication that your increased communication is helping him feel more comfortable about himself.

Your reaction to his physical and romantic attraction to men is understandable. Some men experience both, while others experience only a physical attraction. If the romantic side bothers you, get into a deeper discussion about it. Ask him to compare his romantic needs with men to the romance between the two of you. Based on what I have seen, he will probably describe things associated with sex; intimacy, kissing, etc. When it comes to things like walking down the street holding hands, candlelit dinners, walks on the beach or under the stars, etc., he won't have a strong association, if any, of participating in those activities with a man.

Regarding your question about what a bisexual man might do as opposed to a gay man. I'll answer the other way around. A gay man would reduce or terminate his sexual involvement with a woman and, more than likely, seek to terminate the marriage. Based on what you have stated, that does not really appear something you need to be concerned about.

You also should consider that humans have a great capacity for love. We can love more than one person at a time. We can love spouses, parents, children, friends. Each love is different and may, or may not, include sexual attraction.

There is also a big difference between love and a desire for romance. Love goes much deeper and is also much broader. My bet would be that even a romantic attraction to men has no comparison to the love you have between you. It is obvious that yours is very deep, you exhibit it by your concern over his desires and the support you are showing him.

It is often difficult for a bisexual, male or female, to suppress their desire for physical involvement with the same sex in favor of their commitment to a monogamous relationship. As time passes, the level of desire may fluctuate. Since he has currently expressed a desire to remain monogamous, it might help for you to find out what physical acts he fantasizes about with a man. Perhaps you could incorporate some of those into you sex life through the use of role play or toys. Doing so can help to reduce some of the frustration that occurs as a result of his suppression of his desire for male contact.

Keep up the communication between you. If you read other threads in this forum on similar problems, you will find that most of those that post here are very strong advocates of communication between parties to a relationship. Whether the issue is sex, finances, or how to get along with an in-law, the majority of problems seem to get solved if the parties communicate with each other. It's when there is a lack of communication that differences arise or become greater.

What to do if his desire for physical contact with men increases? You have already told him to go out and experiment. I would suggest you consider having him stay home and experiment. His journey is something that you could help him with. You will, of course, have to consider what level of involvement you would feel comfortable with, whether it is just providing a safe environment for him or some level of actual involvement with him and another male.

Both my fiancee and I are bisexual and we both enjoy helping the other pick out play partners of either gender, watching the other's physical activities, participating in them and sharing the additional partner. Our involvement is probably greater than the norm, but it has several advantages. We know exactly what is happening, we don't have to wait for a report. We are comfortable about the choices made for partners. We know each other's needs better than the third person, so we can assist each other in keeping the activities on a track leading to each other's satisfaction of those needs and avoid things we know the other doesn't like. Plus, it becomes a joint experience instead of our partner being gone for a period of time.

For us, the joint participation serves to enhance our own relationship. It makes it stronger or, at the very least, keeps outside involvement from detracting from our relationship. Other couples who we know that have similar practices have also told us that joint participation is much more productive than giving each other a hall pass to play on their own.

Where someone is concerned about the possible effect of an outside romantic involvement, such as you have expressed, the sharing of the experience gives them and their partner the opportunity to treat the activity as a extension of their own relationship as opposed to one partners development of a separate relationship with the third party that they are excluded from. The can look for the signs of romance that they are concerned with and being part of the action, help to create an atmosphere that the romance is really between the partners and not with the third party.

Overall, I would advocate total involvement. Use the communication you have between you to learn what he is looking for, assist him in picking out a possible partner. Together, meet that person socially (coffee or a cocktail) and discuss individual and mutual desires. Having already established the limits of your own involvement, you can jointly decide on the level that all of you are comfortable with, whether it be none, watching only, directing or asking them to do things that you would like to see and that turn you on (many men are turned on by a woman watching or directing the action), touching and stimulating only your husband or both of them, helping your husband stimulate the other man, or even having both of them make you the center of attention at some point.

You express concern that he doesn't kiss you much outside of the bedroom and at times seems distant. There is a tendency for this to happen in all relationships over time. When courting, the romantic things are very important so they are given much more attention. After the courting period, romance begins to fade because we become more comfortable with each other, we are no longer in the position that we need to continue those things, after all, our partner knows we love them (i.e., we get complacent).

You indicated that he had seemed unhappy and depressed for a long time. The lowered level of affection he shows outside the bedroom and his seeming distant at times might very well be a product of his depression. Depression is a medical diagnosis. You might consider asking him to see a doctor about the depression and help him to obtain any needed medication. Absent medical help, you can try to be a little more aggressive in you own actions outside the bedroom.

Sorry if this seems long-winded, but I tried to address your concerns. If I missed anything, I apologize.

Keep us posted on how your journey progresses and feel free to ask any questions.

Best Wishes to you. May the new year bring both of you closer.

Pappy

[Rear Rocket]

@bityme, thank you for the wonderful and detailed response. Our sex life has definitely improved, and I am willing to try new things in the bedroom to better satisfy him. I'm not willing to incorporate other partners, as the monogamous aspect of our relationship is something we both cherish. However, I don't ever want to deny him of his needs, so if he decides he needs to experiment, he can do so. We would likely separate during that time with the hopes of returning to each other after his experiences. That may seem close-minded, but I hold monogamy in very high regard and always will. I have accepted that these desires he has for men will likely fluctuate with time (either grow, remain relatively the same, or subside). Who knows?

Romantically, he said he can't picture feeling about anyone, girl or guy, the way he feels about me. So when I ask him if he could see himself walking hand in hang with a guy on a starlit night, he says no, but that he couldn't picture it with another girl either. A sweet answer--not the one I was needing for clarification, but a sweet answer nonetheless.

He has recently told me that when it comes to men, he really only finds feminine/well-groomed men and transsexuals attractive. He wants to be dominant and feel like a man, so he is drawn to femininity from men or women. I'm not an expert, but this seems to further the idea that he is bisexual and not gay. I also don't think a gay man would want to stay with his wife, no matter how much he loved her. It's apparent that he's not living a lie or anything like that. He had the opportunity to separate and go experiment, but he didn't want to. I think that re-affirms his desire for me.

Any further thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks :)

[tenni]

Hi
bityme has offered you excellent advice and perspective. The one concept that you may want to think about is that for some/many bi men are only interested in the physical aspects of sex with another man. There is no emotional romantic thoughts at all in their mind. That is how he is able to state to you that he can not imagine his life without you. He has invested all of his emotional attachment with you. Take a good amount of time to contemplate the idea that his attraction to men is purely a physical interest. You need not fear him leaving you for a man if the two of you are able to continue an open honest dialogue. Over time, you may accept and understand this aspect.

As time moves on his sexual need for men may increase or decrease. Right now he is content without exploring same sex for a physical sexual need. Keep the communication open between you so that both are comfortable discussing inner thoughts and fears. Consider your idea that he should separate from you to explore and decide which side he wants may have other solutions. As a bisexual he may not want to pick a side. If he fears that is his only option it may shut down open communication as his fear of losing you gets in the way of open dialogue.

[Fun guy 6969]

I do not think you have to worry about him being gay. If he was you would notice him not wanting to have sex with yuou at all, and as you stated that is not the case.
The best thing is to keep up the communication between the two of you and both be very honest.
When I first told my wife I was bi she had some of the same worrys. But after talking and being honest with each other she realized that it had nothing to do with our relationship. We love each other and no man could ever come between our love.
Maybe as my wife did you could be with him on one of his bi experiences, may help you to understand what is going on, and who knows you may even enjoy it.

[ErosUrge]

Hi
bityme has offered you excellent advice and perspective. The one concept that you may want to think about is that for some/many bi men are only interested in the physical aspects of sex with another man. There is no emotional romantic thoughts at all in their mind. That is how he is able to state to you that he can not imagine his life without you. He has invested all of his emotional attachment with you. Take a good amount of time to contemplate the idea that his attraction to men is purely a physical interest. You need not fear him leaving you for a man if the two of you are able to continue an open honest dialogue. Over time, you may accept and understand this aspect.

As time moves on his sexual need for men may increase or decrease. Right now he is content without exploring same sex for a physical sexual need. Keep the communication open between you so that both are comfortable discussing inner thoughts and fears. Consider your idea that he should separate from you to explore and decide which side he wants may have other solutions. As a bisexual he may not want to pick a side. If he fears that is his only option it may shut down open communication as his fear of losing you gets in the way of open dialogue.

Couldn't have said it better myself. It is pretty much what I went through during the years of questioning my sexuality. It is also the kind of situation you both have that I hope to one day happen for me. I don't obssess about it but am hopeful. And the elaborate response bityme gave was awesome too.

[bityme]

He has recently told me that when it comes to men, he really only finds feminine/well-groomed men and transsexuals attractive. He wants to be dominant and feel like a man, so he is drawn to femininity from men or women. I'm not an expert, but this seems to further the idea that he is bisexual and not gay. I also don't think a gay man would want to stay with his wife, no matter how much he loved her. It's apparent that he's not living a lie or anything like that. He had the opportunity to separate and go experiment, but he didn't want to. I think that re-affirms his desire for me.

A man's taste in other men is not necessarily indicative of whether he is bisexual or homosexual. I agree with your assessment, however. He wants to stay with you and he didn't want to go experiment. Both appear to be affirmations of his love for you.


Romantically, he said he can't picture feeling about anyone, girl or guy, the way he feels about me. So when I ask him if he could see himself walking hand in hang with a guy on a starlit night, he says no, but that he couldn't picture it with another girl either. A sweet answer--not the one I was needing for clarification, but a sweet answer nonetheless.

Honestly, that simple, sweet answer seems to say it all. It is a pretty clear expression that when it comes to love and romance, he only has eyes for you.

If you feel in need of clarification, give him a more elaborate question, or several questions to respond to.


@bityme, thank you for the wonderful and detailed response. Our sex life has definitely improved, and I am willing to try new things in the bedroom to better satisfy him. I'm not willing to incorporate other partners, as the monogamous aspect of our relationship is something we both cherish. However, I don't ever want to deny him of his needs, so if he decides he needs to experiment, he can do so. We would likely separate during that time with the hopes of returning to each other after his experiences. That may seem close-minded, but I hold monogamy in very high regard and always will. I have accepted that these desires he has for men will likely fluctuate with time (either grow, remain relatively the same, or subside). Who knows?

. . . He had the opportunity to separate and go experiment, but he didn't want to.

Monogamy appears to play a really big part in relationships. There are a lot of other threads on it in this forum that you might take a look at.

The question I would pose is:
"If monogamy is so important, why separate for a time hoping that you will get back together? Is that monogamy or some modification of the concept?"

Please correct me if I am wrong, but I have the impression that what you are proposing is release time for him to experiment and "get it out of his system" then he can return to you and resume an exclusive relationship. As the response by tenni points out, that places him in a position of choosing sides. It already appears that he doesn't want to take that option.

Many bisexuals, both men and women, struggle with this dilemma. "Is it worth in to terminate my monogamous relationship to satisfy a need that my partner is incapable of satisfying?" When faced with this question, when given only two possible answers, they will generally accept the option which is either the most comfortable or which results in the least conflict.

Take a look at what you have. You appear to be in a loving, caring relationship that neither of you want to terminate. One of you have a need that the other cannot satisfy and you a re trying to resolve that problem.

The true definition of monogamy is "marriage with only one person at a time." In our society, however, that definition has been expanded to include the concept of fidelity or "faithfulness to one's spouse or lover." In a legal sense, fidelity has been interpreted to mean loyalty to one's spouse in refraining from adultery and sometimes in submitting to a spouse's reasonable sexual desires.

You say that the "monogamous aspect of your marriage is something that you both cherish." If that were really the case, I don't think you would be having these open discussions about his desires and I doubt that you would be as understanding as you have been in furnishing him an opportunity for "release time."

Is it possible that the aspect of your marriage that you both cherish is not described by the word "monogamy," but instead, it is described as "love"? You love him so much that you are willing to calmly let him go, to terminate your relationship, to allow him to "experiment" with his desire.

A young man named Brandon Bertelsen once said:
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

"After three beautiful years, Diana has decided to part ways with me. I will always remember her as the innocent, caring individual that brought spark to my life and I pray that the next man she decides to love treats her with unconditional love, patience and respect. It’s so hard to let something so wonderful go. But, with faith alone, I will pull through the difficult task of letting my angel slip through my fingers. The angel of courage sits at my side and reminds me of the beauty of my time with Diana but also reminds me that I must move on. If nothing less, my time with her was bliss."

I could see you with similar thoughts should your husband decide to "experiment." I am sure that such a parting would be something you both would regret forever.

When we love someone we want them all to ourself, totally, mentally, physically, emotionally. We have a desire to be with them 24/7. To walk hand in hand and never let go. But life is not that way. In practice, there are many things which take us apart at times and we accept them a natural components of life. Jobs, family obligations, hobbies, friends, nights out with the guys, nights out with the girls, etc., all take a part of that limited time we have. And we accept all of it.

But our puritanical society has taught us that one area in which we should never accept taking time away from our lover is sex. That the emotions of "love," that intangible, undefinable creature that exists in our psyche is inextricably bound to the physical acts of kissing, holding hands, cuddling, exploring our mates body and attempting to become only one physical being between the two of us. We have been raised to believe that sharing a physical experience with another means that love has died, that it is a violation of trust. While in some cases that it true, does it have to be?

Is it possible to share physical enjoyment with another without having to let our love for someone die or without violating their trust?

Many of us, of both genders and orientations, have answered that question with a "Yes." It is not the answer given my the majority, but it is not at all uncommon.

Swingers have long-lasting, loving marriages or relationships while participating in sexual activities with others. Partners no longer capable of physical sexual activity allow their significant other to see that enjoyment elsewhere. These departures from the norm occur with men and women, both straight and bisexual. If done with the consent and knowledge of the other, there is clearly no violation of trust. Nor does it mean that love is lost.

If a partner had a passion for fishing, ceramics, acting in a community theater, or any number of other things the other partner did not enjoy, no one would think anything of their participation is such activities. In fact, the partner who did not enjoy it would be thought unreasonable if they demanded that the other not participate. Not so with sexual activity. Sexual activity raises the red flag for relationships.

Rear Rocket, you are a brave soul. You are willing to let the "love of your life" go in the hope that he will return to you. Is that sacrifice necessary?

Your husband has a desire to try something you can't provide for him. Like anything else, the fact that he tries it does not mean he will find it fulfilling. His "experimentation" could be just a one-time thing. On the other hand, it could be something he finds he enjoys and wants to continue.

I respect that you are not willing to incorporate other partners in your relationship. I take that to mean you are not seeking sexual activities with anyone else and you have no desire to see or participate in your husband having sexual activities with another.

I am not monogamous. I practice digamy, also called deuterogamy. It is the practice of entering into a subsequent marriage after the termination of the prior by death or divorce. In my case both of my prior marriages ended with the death of my wives. I loved only them during our 18 and 20 year marriages. I am now in love with another woman who I will marry this month. I am committed to her and she will be the sole object of my love and affection.

We both believe, however, that our monogamy, digamy, or deuterogamy is a commitment to our love, not a restriction or limitation of our desire to experience physical pleasures with others.

tenni is correct. Perhaps there is another solution for you that would not require the drastic act of separation. It certainly is possible to retain you loving relationship in all other areas while relaxing your definition in one. I encourage you to think about the possibilities.

Pappy

[The Black Knights]

Rear Rocket,
You are brave to ask for advice here and to also give your spouse the space to explore his desires with other men if he chooses. Bityme and others have already given you the most important advice that you need. I will only add this: He needs you there while he explores, and you need him. I do not put down your (or his) belief or preference for monogamy, nor does your spouse. However, it seems a middle ground is needed.
I know happily married male/female couples who go to swing parties and similar things all the time, where one or both partners have sex with people they they know and/or strangers(of either or both sexes) with the other partner present and/or watching. Yet their life at home is great (they tell me) and their marriage is strong as steel. Considering the divorce rate of (heterosexual) couples is still over 50 percent (been there done that) and, I would bet, a good number of those marriages didn't have the commitment to each other that your marriage clearly has, your marriage is really betting the odds.
Why risk it all by separating while he experiments with men? Would he want to do the same if the roles were reversed and you wanted to experiment with ladies (I presume you are 100 percent straight)? I don't know either of you, but I am pretty sure from your posts that he would not. I will not say that this will be easy for either of you, for it won't be. But I can guarantee this. If you stay with him and you support and help him explore these feelings together in a safe environment, even if it means watching him in bed with another man however many times, he will love you even more for it and your marriage, I believe, will be fine, even if he realizes he is bi (seems like it already) and his PHYSICAL desires for men equals or exceeds the PHYSICAL desire for you or any other woman at some point. I say this because it is clear that his emotional feelings for you, and vice versa, will never be eclipsed by anyone of either sex. And that is something that neither of you should risk giving up, until death do you part.
If you separate over this, he may not experiment at all because of grief, resentment and/or even anger (you too) and/or he may not be safe doing it and worse things occur. And the resentment that you and/or he may have during such could destroy your marriage by itself, no matter what he finds out about himself. Is that risk worth it? It would be much better to stay together now and see what happens in the future, which may work out fine, rather than go apart now, and increase the likelihood of the marriage failing by large numbers. Trust me, I know.