Boyfriend doesn't think I'm bi? (Warning: Really Long Post)

[morethan.worldover]

I've been on this site for a few years now and I've never been active but I feel like this is the only place where my problem can be understood so I hope you guys can help me out here.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. I love him so fucking much but I feel like he doesn't accept me. During our first discussion about my orientation as a bisexual, and it ended in tears (on both our parts). He said that the only reason I was with all those girls (I've been with five) is because I had a lot of bad experiences with boys, and in reality I'm straight. While it isn't untrue that I've had an ugly history with past boyfriends, and I've been with more boys than girls, it hurts whenever he says I'm not bisexual or there's "no such thing as bisexuality" and you're either straight or gay. He's pretty convinced I'm straight and he's humored me by calling me bisexual and saying he "believes me" only to call me straight again.

One of his reasons behind calling me straight is that whenever he shows me a picture of a girl he thinks is hot, I don't like her or don't wanna automatically bang her. I'm just picky with my girls.

The point is, I feel like he's denying a part of me when he tells me I'm straight. I know for a fact that he loves me, but he doesn't fully accept me, and I even feel like he's rejecting a part of my existence because ever since I was young I've had issues coming to accept that I like two genders so accepting that part of myself was a huge deal growing up and when I hear him talk like that I get so upset.

He admitted that because of his upbringing he didn't like homosexuals and thanks to me he no longer dislikes them but another thing is that he gets mad when he has to censor himself around me when he is about to use the word "gay" in a bad way. He complains that he shouldn't have to change himself for me when he's the one who wants me to swallow it whenever he uses an offensive term. I'm not asking him to stop using the word like that entirely, just around me. It's like me saying the word "black" in a bad way. He's black and I'm sure he'd be pretty angry if I said something like, "Oh it's not a big deal, don't be so black about it." See how wrong that is?

I've tried addressing these things with him on more than one occasion but he brushes it off the way he does with everything else. We used to be so good at communicating when it comes to him having a problem with me but when it's the other way around he shuts me out. I reallydon't wanna break up with him because he has a lot of a baggage like me and I wanna help him and in spite of these issues we've been through so much but I'm scared for our future together if something doesn't change.

What should I do? What can I tell him to make him accept me?

I'm sorry for writing so much, I just wanted to get the whole story out. Oh and for the record we're both nineteen and in college, I dunno if that will help anyone solve the riddle but I'm just throwing it out there.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok.... never try to make a person accept you.... you may be able to get them to a point where they come to terms with your sexuality and that is often the best compromise you can get......unless they get to a point that they are comfortable with your sexuality.....

it is something that the LGBT struggle with.... we can not make people accept us to the point of which we are satisfied, so we learn to enjoy the company of those that do accept us, compromise with those that reach a compromise between their beliefs and us... and generally ignore those that piss us off... or post about them in the forum so that more people can be offended or question why it is that if something is so offensive to people that they rush to share it and hope it offends other people too........

anyways back to loverboy.....his issue with homosexuals ??? is it a religious upbringing by any chance.... most religious teachings only allow for straight and gay, not bisexual.... and even then its generally straight people and gay males....
one trick that you can use, is the argument that if he can like girls, why can't you... their answer normally is that you are a female.... then ask if you like guys, why doesn't he.... most people answer, either " I am not gay " a religious answer..... or " I am not a fag or I am not a * offensive * name * a anti lgbt answer.....

some people use the * thats so gay * as a non offensive term to say somethings weird or stupid or not right *, its not always a insult to LGBT people but we can see it as a LGBT insult.... it all depends on the person saying it, not the person hearing it......
there is a old saying, * what i say may not be offensive but somebody will take offense to it being said *

ok... now that I have bored you to tears.... scare the hell out of him... tell him that you want a open relationship cos you are bisexual and you enjoy the company of ladies, and tho you love him dearly, you are finding it hard to get him to understand how you see things as a bisexual, so maybe showing him is the better option...... don't say that you are wanting to sleep with other people... thats not going to help...... the key is putting him on the spot, if he really wants to see what it means to be a bisexual lady then you will show him by having a gf so he can see that loving a person of the same gender is not all about sex, we can be as loving, caring and considerate as the partners we want in our lives...... and you think it would be easier to show how you want to be treated in the same way he is showing you how he wants to be treated.... the difference is you are listening to him, hes listening to himself ... and that is going to be his biggest issue if hes not careful....

as hard as it can be to say, you are both 19, thats young to old farts like me ( I am 41 ) so there is the chance there to build a long term relationship or work at one that may not last long term.... and I could say that you have the rest of your life ahead of you, to find happiness.... but who knows what tomorrow will bring

[Moonlight_BHI]

If he doesn't accept all of you now, he might accept all of you later after some months of talking or he may never accept all of you.
We all have things we can't or won't accept about people but the real thing is we find ways to accept these things. Not in the cheating way though.
I have things about my boyfriend that I prefer not to accept but I love him so I choose to accept them instead of making his life or mine hell.

He says your straight cause of the fact your with a guy (him), right? That's another reason why some people will say that someone who identifies themselves as bisexual.
Here's a question than: if a guy is in a relationship but goes out with friends and ends up getting laid, does that mean hes single or is he still in a relationship?
Answer is: He's still in a relationship in real life but he's saw as a single man by everyone else.
There is what's reality and what's seen by others.

I believe you have to accept a person for all parts of them otherwise it will fail somewhere along the way....
Try to talk about how your feeling, it might be hard but if you don't this is gonna complicate your relationship and if it gets bad enough end it.


Hope this helps, have any questions about my post, message me :).

[dafydd]

please perservere. acceptance and tolerance is a journey and people are at different points, and won't always be where you are. you shouldn't expect or demand his complete understanding, though he is being really an idiot for telling you what you are.
Rather than ask for his total acceptance maybe count on smaller victories e.g.just talking to him about it and not coming to blows. your point is well made about the use of the word 'black' on the flip side.
A lot of people who are homophobic or biphobic don't know any gays/lesbians or bisexuals. Just having you close in his life will eventually slowly, drip drip effect turn him around, perhaps. Tell him not to be a presuming Ed about your past sex life, and subtly hint that any homophobia is likely to push you away and perhaps ur next relationship might be with a woman. (that should make him take stock - or maybe that's a bit too far.)


"He admitted that because of his upbringing he didn't like homosexuals and thanks to me he no longer dislikes them"

this is a massive plus and probably took a lot for him to admit, and puts his homophobia in context. ur moving mountains.

[dafydd]

this below is a much better way of saying what i was trying to say in my last post.


ok.... never try to make a person accept you.... you may be able to get them to a point where they come to terms with your sexuality and that is often the best compromise you can get......unless they get to a point that they are comfortable with your sexuality.....

it is something that the LGBT struggle with.... we can not make people accept us to the point of which we are satisfied, so we learn to enjoy the company of those that do accept us, compromise with those that reach a compromise between their beliefs and us... and generally ignore those that piss us off... "

some people use the * thats so gay * as a non offensive term to say somethings weird or stupid or not right *, its not always a insult to LGBT people but we can see it as a LGBT insult.... it all depends on the person saying it, not the person hearing it......
there is a old saying, * what i say may not be offensive but somebody will take offense to it being said *

i do agree LDD with most of that, but when kids use 'gay' as a perjorative term (even if it's not meant homophobicaly) it then creates problems when you actually do use the word 'gay' in the right context. immediately the context of being 'gay' is framed negatively for them. and if ur a gay kid, it can't be nice to have to hear that all the time. It should always be challenged as language that is negatively influencing a generation of kids. The main misconception is, as you rightly point out, that it is *always* meant homophobically. It often isn't, and people shouldn't get offended in that regard. The people who are most responsible are the adults that tolerate that language, as they are tacitly endorsing it.

d

[falcondfw]

Ok. I think this is the first time i have disagreed with LDD.
1) NEITHER of you should HAVE to change to be accepted by the other. You are who you are. Dating relationships are a chance to learn about someone else and see if you are compatible. You don't automatically go into a relationship knowing everything about each other. It is discovery. Unfortunately, that also means that you will probably discover some things you don't like. Such is the nature of the beast.
If you have to change to gain acceptance from him, what kind of a relationship is that? You are denying part of yourself just so someone else will approve? No one's approval is worth that.
2) As others have said, you are both very young. I think a lot of the issue is both of you still probably have a lot of growing, discovering, and growing up to do.
3) I think you should sit down with him and lay out the law. "Look. I love you unbelievably. But this is who I am right now. You telling me I am kidding myself is not supportive and not loving and I don't think it is beneficial to a long term committed relationship. I am still young. I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still changing. I may not be this person 5 years from now. Who knows? I may even find out you were right all along. If I do, you will be the first one I tell and thank. But this is who I am right now. You either love me and accept me as I am now or we both need to find someone else we can each accept with no changes."
4) I know what I have said is harsh, but it needs to be done or you will be miserable until you do. You will be denying who you feel you are now. You will be hiding. You will not be ... you. Do you want him to love an illusion? Because unless he accepts you as you are, if you hide who you are, he is in love with a shadow of who you really are.
5) And you need to learn that the most important thing is to develop yourself and be the best person you can be. Those who accept you and love you, hold on to them. Those who try to change you, unless they are trying to help you improve (like encouraging someone to go back to school), run from those who are trying to change you because they cannot accept the real you.
6) As for not wanting to break up with him because you want to help him over his baggage, that is absolutely the WRONG reason to stay together. If worse comes to worse, and he will let you, you can still help him as a friend. And who knows, further down the road, both of you may be in a better place and may start up the relationship again. I stayed with someone for a year after mentally checking out of the relationship (she was my fiance), because of her past and i was trying to help her establish herself and get a direction in her life. The only thing that did was cost me a lot of money and both of us a lot of headache and heartache when i finally told her it was over. But the most important thing in this item is, no matter how good your intentions, no matter how desperately you want to help him and know you can, you can only help him if he will let you. And you can only help him as much as he will let you.

It took me 45 years to learn those things. Ok. I'm off my soapbox now.
Seriously, good luck and I hope things work out the best possible way for you.

[dafydd]

yep i think i also agree with falcon's post below, even if im contradicting myself. (though I don't think the language of an ultimatium ever works)
having read this post I think the one question worth asking is "What does acceptance mean for you?"

Is it simply enuf that he listens and understands during the below conversation and then you move on? or
do you just want him to shut up about his ideas of ur sexuality?
do you require him to be engaged in discussions about bisexuality?
do you want to be able to mention celebrities or music stars you find attractive when you're around him?
do you want him to hang out with more of ur bisexual/lesbian/gay friends?
or feel comfortable together watching a film/show with bi themes or characters?

Once you define what kind of 'acceptance' you're seeking then you may know better what to do.
d


Ok. I think this is the first time i have disagreed with LDD.
1) NEITHER of you should HAVE to change to be accepted by the other. You are who you are. Dating relationships are a chance to learn about someone else and see if you are compatible. You don't automatically go into a relationship knowing everything about each other. It is discovery. Unfortunately, that also means that you will probably discover some things you don't like. Such is the nature of the beast.
If you have to change to gain acceptance from him, what kind of a relationship is that? You are denying part of yourself just so someone else will approve? No one's approval is worth that.
2) As others have said, you are both very young. I think a lot of the issue is both of you still probably have a lot of growing, discovering, and growing up to do.
3) I think you should sit down with him and lay out the law. "Look. I love you unbelievably. But this is who I am right now. You telling me I am kidding myself is not supportive and not loving and I don't think it is beneficial to a long term committed relationship. I am still young. I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still changing. I may not be this person 5 years from now. Who knows? I may even find out you were right all along. If I do, you will be the first one I tell and thank. But this is who I am right now. You either love me and accept me as I am now or we both need to find someone else we can each accept with no changes."
4) I know what I have said is harsh, but it needs to be done or you will be miserable until you do. You will be denying who you feel you are now. You will be hiding. You will not be ... you. Do you want him to love an illusion? Because unless he accepts you as you are, if you hide who you are, he is in love with a shadow of who you really are.
5) And you need to learn that the most important thing is to develop yourself and be the best person you can be. Those who accept you and love you, hold on to them. Those who try to change you, unless they are trying to help you improve (like encouraging someone to go back to school), run from those who are trying to change you because they cannot accept the real you.
6) As for not wanting to break up with him because you want to help him over his baggage, that is absolutely the WRONG reason to stay together. If worse comes to worse, and he will let you, you can still help him as a friend. And who knows, further down the road, both of you may be in a better place and may start up the relationship again. I stayed with someone for a year after mentally checking out of the relationship (she was my fiance), because of her past and i was trying to help her establish herself and get a direction in her life. The only thing that did was cost me a lot of money and both of us a lot of headache and heartache when i finally told her it was over. But the most important thing in this item is, no matter how good your intentions, no matter how desperately you want to help him and know you can, you can only help him if he will let you. And you can only help him as much as he will let you.

It took me 45 years to learn those things. Ok. I'm off my soapbox now.
Seriously, good luck and I hope things work out the best possible way for you.

[Darkside2009]

[QUOTE=dafydd;216099]this below is a much better way of saying what i was trying to say in my last post.

i do agree LDD with most of that, but when kids use 'gay' as a perjorative term (even if it's not meant homophobicaly) it then creates problems when you actually do use the word 'gay' in the right context. immediately the context of being 'gay' is framed negatively for them. and if ur a gay kid, it can't be nice to have to hear that all the time. It should always be challenged as language that is negatively influencing a generation of kids. The main misconception is, as you rightly point out, that it is *always* meant homophobically. It often isn't, and people shouldn't get offended in that regard. The people who are most responsible are the adults that tolerate that language, as they are tacitly endorsing it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I digress from the main topic, but this response amused me. The word 'Gay' originally meant, and still does to many people, happy and carefree. Its use as such, you will find sprinkled liberally throughout films and books of the twenties, thirties and forties. Even, if memory serves me right, in the theme song to the Flintstones cartoon.

Its use, to mean homosexuality/homosexual, was usurped by homosexuals defiantly wanting to make clear to heterosexuals, that they were happy with their sexuality and couldn't care less as to whether heterosexuals accepted them or not.

That a yet younger generation have usurped it again to mean a reproach just serves to indicate that English is a constantly evolving language. Words fall out of usage and new words evolve.

If you had been around to hear your Great-Grandmother say, 'She had a gay old time at a party at the weekend,' it might cause you to raise an eyebrow, but her usage would have been quite innocuous.

Similarly, the word queer is still used in the UK and Ireland to mean strange or odd as much as it is used as a pejorative term for homosexuals. Examples would be, 'Nowt so queer as folk' or if one were feeling ill, 'My stomach feels queer' or 'A queer feeling came over me.'

This doesn't mean one had a sudden impulse to have rampant sex with others of the same gender. It simply means word usage falls in and out of fashion, just as First Names do, and indicates which generation the person grew up in.

It is all part of the rich texture which makes the English language one of the most beautiful and expressive in the World.

[Darkside2009]

Let me put it this way, you think your boyfriend is somehow rejecting you because he does not accept your bisexual feelings. You feel that he should love you in your entirety, whether he agrees with them or not.

Has it ever occurred to you that he might feel the same way? He might feel, that what you see as his prejudices, are part of who he is, however irrational they might seem to you. That you might be guilty of not accepting him in his entirety, but seek to change him.

His, showing you pictures of women he finds attractive, may be his way of trying to understand what it is that attracts you to women, then comparing it with what he finds attractive.

Then again, he might be just lining up a threesome.

My ex loved the colour pink, I detest the colour pink. She wanted to paint our bedroom pink, I didn't want to wake up every morning feeling as though I had woken up in the womb. We compromised and painted it green.

We are no longer together, but I still detest pink, I haven't seen or heard from her in years but I'm still pretty certain she still loves pink.

The only person that can really change us by the time we reach adulthood is ourselves, by that time our character traits are fairly fixed.

It has always amused me that no sooner is a woman attracted to a man, than she starts trying to change him. Perhaps women view us as diamonds in the rough, with just a little bit of their polish we could shine. Or perhaps they just like a challenge, it seems like a perennial cry, to men it is just nagging.

We like who we are, we feel comfortable in it, if we had wanted to change we would have already. So you must decide yourself, if you can accept this man with all his many faults, who by your own statement loves you, or will you reject him in favour of looking for that perfect specimen that embodies all those factors you find important?

You know him better than any of us, can you live with the difference between expectation and reality?

[Rhevan]

It's hard enough when your friends and family don't approve of your lifestyle, it can be worse when your partner doesn't. It's good that he says he is starting to have less distaste because of you, but it doesn't mean he will ever fully accept that part of you.

Keep talking to him about both your choices and has been mentioned, try not take offense every single time he uses the word gay unless he's being deliberately insulting to homosexuals. I think as a whole we get a little too sensitive about things and look for insult where none was intended. Especially, as has been pointed out, gay was originally meant to mean happy and carefree. It was a word taken over as a cause celebre and this is what we end up. A society where no one may say anything unless someone else is offended by it. :2cents:

[void()]

Open, honest and direct communication of needs and desires is first. Sounds as though a lot of that has been ongoing. Love is accepting wholly. If not, there are others whom may genuinely love. Never force yourself or another to accept love half way. In twelve years of marriage, wife has never degraded me nor ask me to change regarding sexuality. Not ask her either, save for asking once if we could be open. And that regarded love more than sexuality. Hopefully, this is helpful.

[dafydd]

language does evolve, not always for the better in this case.

also in uk 'queer' has been reclaimed by the young LGBT's who don't feel they want to use the term 'gay' to describe their sexuality as they perceive it's meaning describes a lifestyle rather than a fluid sexuality.

as a perjorative term though for homosexuals, 'queer' is becoming archaic, replaced by 'gay'.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I digress from the main topic, but this response amused me. The word 'Gay' originally meant, and still does to many people, happy and carefree. Its use as such, you will find sprinkled liberally throughout films and books of the twenties, thirties and forties. Even, if memory serves me right, in the theme song to the Flintstones cartoon.

Its use, to mean homosexuality/homosexual, was usurped by homosexuals defiantly wanting to make clear to heterosexuals, that they were happy with their sexuality and couldn't care less as to whether heterosexuals accepted them or not.

That a yet younger generation have usurped it again to mean a reproach just serves to indicate that English is a constantly evolving language. Words fall out of usage and new words evolve.

If you had been around to hear your Great-Grandmother say, 'She had a gay old time at a party at the weekend,' it might cause you to raise an eyebrow, but her usage would have been quite innocuous.

Similarly, the word queer is still used in the UK and Ireland to mean strange or odd as much as it is used as a pejorative term for homosexuals. Examples would be, 'Nowt so queer as folk' or if one were feeling ill, 'My stomach feels queer' or 'A queer feeling came over me.'

This doesn't mean one had a sudden impulse to have rampant sex with others of the same gender. It simply means word usage falls in and out of fashion, just as First Names do, and indicates which generation the person grew up in.

It is all part of the rich texture which makes the English language one of the most beautiful and expressive in the World.

[sammie19]

Let me put it this way, you think your boyfriend is somehow rejecting you because he does not accept your bisexual feelings. You feel that he should love you in your entirety, whether he agrees with them or not.

Has it ever occurred to you that he might feel the same way? He might feel, that what you see as his prejudices, are part of who he is, however irrational they might seem to you. That you might be guilty of not accepting him in his entirety, but seek to change him.

His, showing you pictures of women he finds attractive, may be his way of trying to understand what it is that attracts you to women, then comparing it with what he finds attractive.

Then again, he might be just lining up a threesome.

My ex loved the colour pink, I detest the colour pink. She wanted to paint our bedroom pink, I didn't want to wake up every morning feeling as though I had woken up in the womb. We compromised and painted it green.

We are no longer together, but I still detest pink, I haven't seen or heard from her in years but I'm still pretty certain she still loves pink.

The only person that can really change us by the time we reach adulthood is ourselves, by that time our character traits are fairly fixed.

It has always amused me that no sooner is a woman attracted to a man, than she starts trying to change him. Perhaps women view us as diamonds in the rough, with just a little bit of their polish we could shine. Or perhaps they just like a challenge, it seems like a perennial cry, to men it is just nagging.

We like who we are, we feel comfortable in it, if we had wanted to change we would have already. So you must decide yourself, if you can accept this man with all his many faults, who by your own statement loves you, or will you reject him in favour of looking for that perfect specimen that embodies all those factors you find important?

You know him better than any of us, can you live with the difference between expectation and reality?

It is true that women try to change their men for what they believe is the better. But men do it to their women too. They have their own way of trying to mould their partner into the person they think she should be, whether that is less or more feminine, less or more feminist, but usually less, more domesticated and often more subservient to their man, less or more outgoing too especially with old friends, particularly male friends, even those they have known since early childhood.

It isn't a one way street this trying to change partners. Neither is nagging a female preserve. I have often seen and heard men nagging sometimes quite nastily at their wives or girl friends from what they are wearing (and I will say more of that at the end) their familiarity or otherwise with others, how they raise the children to how they have their hair, or make themselves up.

To return to the OPs dilemma, at 19 what do we know? I dont very much now, but at 19 thought I knew everything and knew very little, but we do learn at least I hope we do.

His attitude seems to be the certainty of a guy unsure of himself and where he stands and not knowing he hits out a bit to try and bring her round to his way of thinking. He is trying to change her in a very clumsy way. Having the naivity of a teenager and a lot of the prejudices he was brought up with he is struggling to come to terms with just what his gf is and what his place is in her life. There seems a little emotional blackmail is being deployed but that is more from his immaturity than any real spite and I doubt if he understands what he is doing.

In thread after thread we talk of the need for communication and for people to talk. I think the OP needs to talk and keep talking but also needs to keep listening. There is a host of information out there for him to read and learn and even groups where he may broaden his horizons - if he really wants them broadened and his mind opened.

It might be that his prejudice is too deep and that no matter how much she tries the OP will never change him. In that case I do not believe the relationship can go far in the long term with such a huge rift between them and unless he begins to show more acceptance and understanding of her reasonably quickly the OP will soon have to make the decision of when to end the relationship. Best sooner than later because the longer there is a real difference between them and no movement to bridging the gap the more likely that difference will turn to dislike and even hate.

Dark, returning to your post now, I love pink. I wear pink all the time. It is far and away my favourite colour and always wear at least one item on my person which is pink. I have always loved pink and will always love pink. If you hate pink, then I'm sorry for you. The ex Mrs Darkside had impeccable taste. But pink is the bestest and means the little chance you had of seeing my boobs has gone forever. So there.;)