how do i know

[bipartite]

My wife seen a personal add i wrote down on a piece of paper I carelessly left on our end table. She's aware of my curiosity and seemed to be ok with this. Only until I acted on my curiosity with this add. Now she feels concerned and very self conscious about her self. We've always have been safe sexually and honest with each other. How do i know if I'm bi sexual or if I'm going through a curious phase as im 46 years young....

[Pasadenacpl2]

There are two prevailing schools of thought.

First, that you just know and will need to figure it out.

Second, that you won't know until you stare the one eyed, purple headed monster in the face and decide if you still want this.

In the end, no one can know but you, and no one can tell you. I suggest a very serious discussion with your wife. Explain your curiosity. Explain that you have a need to figure out if you are bi or just curious. Ask her if she would rather be involved, not be involved but give you consent, or doesn't consent.

Your path should be guided by this discussion.

Pasa

[bipartite]

Thank you for this advice. My wife is firstly concerned about s.t.d. obviously this concerns all. Secondly shes concerned that I will choose bi sex over her. Its a hard thing to explain to one that doesn't have these feelings. Thanks again Pasa...

[Long Duck Dong]

one of the keys to talking with a partner, is using your own understanding of them as a tool.......

talk to them about fantasies and dreams they have had over the years about other people, and about how bisexual fantasies are the same thing... they are fantasies and dreams......the difference is that they can about the same of opposite genders........

s.t.d, let her know that you share the same concerns, fears and worries as her.... that its a very valid fear for both of you and that even tho you have not done anything with anybody.... the idea of catching even a treatable s.t.d and passing it on, causes you very grave concern........

tell her that you are nervous as hell too, you have no idea what to expect or what it could be like... that you know what you have seen and heard,... but its like losing your virginity for the first time, you really have no idea what its going to be like until it happens.....
talk with her about when she lost her virginity and she may be able to relate to what you are saying.......

talk with her about finding a person together, finding the one that you both feel comfortable with, even if she has no interest in being there for the actual sex.....that helps to boost her own self image as she can see that shes your partner all the way... not your partner, but this is your private thing to explore on your own.....

talk with her about your own feelings, fears and concerns, and you have many, ie how do you know you can trust the person you want to meet, what will it be like, do you think you will be able to go thru with it all without feeling any guilt or other emotions cos its not your partner.......

talk with her about being involved if she is interested, cos the idea that you need your partner there as support and a hand to hold, says so much about your love and respect for your partner, not just as a partner but something that you lean on as much as she leans on you......

then listen to what she wants, what she thinks, how she feels.......

the issue with you wanting bisexual sex over sex with her, is a dual aspect cos you can reassure her it will not happen, but you do not know that yourself.... so its something that she will be aware of and promises about how that would never happen, are something that may not make as big a impact as we like to think.......

something you can try if you are both interested, is using toys in the bedroom ( if you have not already ) and have her * play * the role of the male..... watching you give a dildoe a blowjob, anal sex with a strap on...... etc
it makes her more of a equal in things and can give her a better insight into what you want and seek.......

sometimes showing a person makes more of a impact than talking to them

[keefer201]

I see you as a totally self absorbed boob. You are so selfish that your only concern is for you to get some cock, not what you have done to your wife. My advice is that you start sleeping with one eye open and start looking for available apartments because females never forget shit like this.

[DuckiesDarling]

I have to disagree, Keefer, I don't see the OP as self absorbed at all. It sounds instead like he and his wife are starting a journey together that was in the abstract until the car was loaded and the engine started. You can plan a road trip all you want but until you start on the path you don't really know where you are going.

I agree with trying to include the wife as much as possible to alleviate some concerns but just keep the communication open, Bipartite, and see where it goes from there. I have told my partner I would be fine if he needed a male but was thankful when he said he'd rather be monogamous. If in the future things change and I can't meet his needs with the strapons and such then he still has my blessing, I haven't taken it back like a check that wasn't cashed. How I will react will depend on a lot of things that we can't forsee and no one can forsee how it will go for you. Good luck.

[keefer201]

I feel like I'm talking behind Barpartite's back but in front of his face...lol On this one Duckie, I'll stick with what I said originally. He doesn't mention that he and his wife were in "agreement" and a plan was in action for the two of them to explore his sexuality. I'll go a bit further as I have a natural inclination to not believe people when they first explain something of this sort. I'll ask if that so called ad that was" carelessly".....see, that word is suspicious in itself, was by design to prod things along? I'm also not sure if he hasn't already acted out his desires and the note was part of the plan to help him explain to his wife what he had already done. Either way, not a woman I know will be understanding in his desires to "explore" his sexuality when they did so behind their backs. If you are truly a victim of your own stupidity, then you blew one of the most exciting parts of your sexual experience by not inviting your wife into this so called ad and having her write it. Nothing in my bedroom experiences was as exciting than sharing the bed with other couples and singles with my fiance.

[bityme]

My wife seen a personal add i wrote down on a piece of paper I carelessly left on our end table. She's aware of my curiosity and seemed to be ok with this. Only until I acted on my curiosity with this add. Now she feels concerned and very self conscious about her self. We've always have been safe sexually and honest with each other. How do i know if I'm bi sexual or if I'm going through a curious phase as im 46 years young....

My wife is firstly concerned about s.t.d. obviously this concerns all. Secondly shes concerned that I will choose bi sex over her. Its a hard thing to explain to one that doesn't have these feelings.

What you don't say is what actions you took other than writing the ad on a piece of paper. Did you post it? Communicate with anyone who responded to it? Meet anyone? All of those things will affect your communication with your wife.

You say she was aware of your curiosity and that you have been honest with each other. You obviously found out that would have been the best thing when you were tempted to write out the ad. Now you have to go back and retrace your steps.

You exhibit the confusion that many people go through when they discover they have an attraction to the same sex later in life. Let her know about it. If you haven't been physically involved with someone yet, it will be a lot easier to work through things. As you can see, however, your not letting her in on your feelings completely has already created some issues. It will probably take a lot of heartfelt discussion and some time to repair that.

You are the only one that can decide whether you are bisexual or just curious. From my point of view, it takes more than the thought or even a few actual contacts to come to that decision. Many men in your position had tried it and decided it wasn't for them. Many decide it is. There are also a small number that end up deciding that they are gay and reject further physical contact with women. There isn't anything you have said that would lead me to infer you are in this later category.

Your wife has a right to be concerned about STDs. You should be too. Her concern that you might prefer sex with a man instead of her is a legitimate concern, but it seldom works that way. Being bisexual means desire for relations with both genders in varying or equal degrees.

These are all things that both of you need to discuss. If you are completely open with each other you may find her supportive of your experimentation. To reach that point, however, you will need to convince her that the precautions you take will protect her from the STDs and that it does not mean that your feelings for her are any less than they have been. But you have to be honest and if you give her any assurances, you need to follow through and abide by them.

You don't address it in your post, but you need to be open about your attraction to other men. Is it physical only, or do you also seek some emotional involvement? Obviously, if your attraction is only physical, it will be easier for her to deal with.

In my opinion, the ideal way is to come to an agreement ahead of time. Set the ground rules before you actually make a connection with another man. I'm an advocate of having the wife be a part of the process of picking out who you meet with and being present when it happens. The easiest way for her to be sure you are taking the agreed precautions is for her to observe them in action. Give her the option to watch or even join in if she so desires.

Then set aside time for her immediately after the encounter. Discuss it and the reactions that both of you had both physically and emotionally. Then show her that the experience was in addition to, not in place of your desire for her.

If you have not yet made any connection with another man, and you are unable to come to an agreement with your wife that allows it, my suggestion would be to refrain for acting on your impulses and not violate her trust any more than you already have. If your desire is overwhelming and you proceed without her knowledge, the chances are that she will find out and your relationship might be damaged beyond repair. There are a number of threads in the forum that discuss "cheating" and which you might find instructive. The most current one is High Infidelity. You will find there a number of different views, some more understanding than others but universally advocating communication and agreement.

My perspective is greatly influenced by my success in communicating with the women in my life and never having been placed in the position where I felt compelled to "cheat." I wish you the same success that I have had.

Pappy

[bipartite]

Thank you very much for all of your inputs and criticisms on this matter. It is true I may have sounded selfish and foolish about my curiosity yet I was quick to reach out to others that have experience and didn't think when I sent this to the forum. I promise all that my wife and my self will talk more about this matter and I will also comply with her wishes after all we did make a promise to each many years ago. Thanks again too all of you.

[lizard-lix]

Definitely talk and keep it open...

I have been married to my wife for 32 years and just shy of 3 years ago realized my desire was still much stronger than hers, and that I wanted to reopen my bisexuality, that had been closed when we married.

We have been working on it since. It has been a long and complicated trip, but our relationship is as strong or stronger than ever.

We tried to bring her up to my level of desire by talking and trying things (porn, toys, just more sex, going to swinger's clubs - for exposure and in case her loss of libido was boredom with me, etc). That has had very limited success, so now we are discussing the potential of finding a couple in a similar situation and the guy and I would go play, or something like that.

Be patient, talk and be loving... It can work out...

[bipartite]

Thanx Liz you have a valid point...after all this I find my self growing closer to my wife. Its been awhile sense we've talked so long to each other.

[12voltman59]

Thanx Liz you have a valid point...after all this I find my self growing closer to my wife. Its been awhile sense we've talked so long to each other.

Sounds like things are actually turning out quite well for you both---good luck in however manner you proceed from this point on. I do think that no matter what---that you and your wife are having an open line of communication on this is a good thing.

If you do decide you want to try to get with a guy---take your time in finding someone----be sure to screen them well and if you do meet for a hook up or however you care to describe your being together---be sure to play safe.

Good luck.