For couples only: How do you handle this?

[The Black Knights]

I have a question for the couples here: If you are a couple, especially male/female (but m/m and f/f can answer too), have you ever (or are you currently) had to deal with one of you wanting to have sex more than your partner (with each other and/or with others of either sex)and for whatever reason (especially lack of interest and/or caring on your partner's part), your needs go unfulfilled?
If so, how do you handle these potential issues so it doesn't damage (the other parts of) your relationship/marriage (like cheating or neglect or the like)? Does (your) age, race, gender and/or interest in sex with whomever come into play as far as this? I am concerned that I may be getting into such a situation where this is or will be the case for the foreseeable future and I don't know what to do. Love is not the problem here. Just want to hear some thoughts from those who have been there before. Thanks.

[void()]

"Marriage is like a casserole, only the cook/s know what is in it."

Sounds like you discussed this with the other cook. There are other cooks who do compromise and improvise. Be aware of that yet don't use it as a weapon against your current partner. You may need to find another recipe or cook. It happens. Final thought in adage.

"If you wait for a perfect borrow to ride, you'll always be walking."

HTH & best of luck.

[sammie19]

Every couple must work together and do what it takes to keep together.

In a relationship, whatever the sex of the people involved, it will involve accommodation and sacrifice and an understanding of each other. It also involves how far we are each prepared to go and how much we can take. There is no easy answer to your question.

Each couple has to find their own answers and sometimes the answers are unpalatable.

[lizard-lix]

W're been married, 32 years, I am bi, she is straight, maybe a bit curious. We've been monogamous.. so far...

We love each other as much as ever and we are still best friends and want it to stay that way..

I've always had a higher libido, but I promised not to cheat and I don't (I do a bit of cyber and she knows that I have online 'friends' and pretty much ignores it, except for the occasional joke about my looking guilty when she walks in and I am in chat with someone).

So, I have masturbated to erotica or porn, when I need to, since we got married (sometimes once a day or more). I usually do it when she is asleep as not to disturb her or make it an issue, but sometimes, I will excuse myself and go into another room to do it. I generally do not do solo in front of her.

Several years ago, just after I hit 52, I decided that my opportunities to fulfill some unfulfilled sexual desires were going to start running out with time, so I opened a discussion about wanting more and wanting her to be part of it.

We've been working on it for over two years, and it is improving.. One small step at a time. Our frequency has improved from now and then, to more than once a week and we've hit 5 days in a row. We have experimented with BDSM (I love it, she enjoys it sometimes, I am the sub/bottom), we've been going to a swinger's club (lots of reasons, merely the sexy atmosphere where people clearly enjoy sex, the opportunity to meet and play with other couples, the opportunity to try someone else if boredom is the issue - for either of us, and the opportunity to have some MM for me after all these years, and maybe FF for her), and most importantly, we keep talking and working at it.. We have not played with others yet.

She has known I am bi since before we got married (and knows my long term BF from those days), but since we were monogamous, it was not an important topic, but now she is accepting more that I am bi and has started talking about it and even making some (positive) jokes.

She has talked about letting me out to play by myself if she is not so inclined to play with others, but that is still an open issue and I am waiting to see how and where that goes. She set a decision date, so we'll see when we get there.

So, in answer to the question, yes we have a mismatch of sexual desire and preference (I am a pretty kinky guy, besides being bi - I like about anything, she is moderately vanilla). It has become an issue and we are working on it together.

I am terribly fortunate in that she has been cooperative and open to change in our sexual relationship. We remain best friends, in love and a team and we keep working at it.

I hope this is helpful...

Liz

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hmmmm. Where to start. I have been with my husband for 13 years. Since the time we met, my drive has and mostly always has been, higher than his. I was 20 when we met, I'm 33 now.

This is going to be the woman's aspect, due to women's sexual interests, can be largely based on hormones and fluctuate ALOT through one's life.

When hubby and I first started having sex, I could not get enough, I would wake him up, in the morning, try to get some in the afternoon if he was home, and take advantage of him at night. I was cumming like there was no tomorrow every time and the more I came, the more I wanted.

Then, orgasm sort of died. Maybe it was due to hormonal changes or the Kegels I had been doing since giving birth, my pussy was tighter and he was coming in 5 min, before my orgasm could taxi to the runway. My desire was high at first, but no matter what we tried I could not cum, After about a year, my desires began to die and I hated it. I still desired him, but my vagina no longer did. Not having sex or pleasurable sex and caused me to have a lower libido.

I took the no-no route and instead of being mature and talking with him about it respectfully (I was maybe 25 -26 at this time) I would be angry/sad and shut down and cry if we had sex. Then one day I kicked myself in the ass and got my priorities right and began conversations in a non sexual, but private setting. Saying how I didn't want to be like this anymore, this isn't how I should be. It wasn't his fault necessarily, but I needed to figure myself out. I had to break my bible belt frame of thinking of myself. I rarely masturbated because It never fulfilled me like sex did.

Now I'm not a porn person (no porn and not masturbating is about as far as my prudiness went), and while I do fantasize, It doesn't do shit for me unless the person is real and I have personal contact with them on at least a personality level. Make believe just doesn't float my boat. I'm a tactile hands on, git in there and git'er done kind of person.

He had to come to terms with my body and how my sexuality differed from his. And he responded really well to the revelations. He thought another man would be able to get my Orgasm job done and he arranged a threesome. And it worked. I had a few orgasms with that man and it was hot to share a cock with my hubby and that kick started my arousal again, to just like how it used to be. My hubby was proud and pleased that I finally passed the no orgasm threshold and we began to have sex more regularly and I orgasmed just about every time.

Then I discovered HITACHI. Since I wasn't a masturbator type before. I was reluctant at first to spend so much money on a sexual toy I didn't know if I would enjoy. But I used it once a day, for the first couple weeks, just becoming accustomed to it and exploring my body. And god damned it is heaven. I am now a regular squirter, masturbate 3 times a week min, for about 30-1hr each time. He's happy I'm happy, and his reward is I blow his mind every time he desires sex. So its Win-Win. My labido stays high at a nice happy level for me. IF I don't orgasm through penile contact he is more than willing to lend a hand or dildo, while I hitachi.


This is just us. We're not typical by any means. In the past year, we have opened up our exploration, to cam and voice, as well as BDSM...Still interested in threesomes too. Now when we threesome, we give a warning that I'm a squirter and can outlast both the men.

We enjoy having each other pleased, in whatever way that means to the other. But always with open communication and honesty.

Gosh I hope I stayed on track with this one.

[lizard-lix]

I'll second the HUGE positive vote for the Hitachi.

We BOTH love it and it is part of our sex life most of the time. She doesn't masturbate typically when I am around (we have sex, that may be both of us getting her there, or mutual masturbation, she is of course welcome to use it whenever she wants to), but she does use it when I am not here for sure...

I have heard several women say that it changed their whole outlook on sex and orgasm.

[Moonlight_BHI]

I'm in a relationship and as a bi female, I want to have sexual relations with other females but I don't so I go unfulfilled with my sexual need for women.
I deal with it with the knowledge that I have to or I lose my boyfriend or give up being the only sexual partner my (straight) boyfriend has.

My boyfriend will probably come post his views when he gets on our couple account.

[bityme]

I think every situation is unique. It is impossible to determine if handling one will work with the solution that worked in another.

I've been married twice. In both cases we had a great sexual relationship and regularly engaged in extra-marital conduct (usually together). In both cases it was discovered that my wives had cancer.

Toward the end of each marriage, as their health became worse, my wives first lost interest in our outside activities and later even between us. In both cases they gave me a "hall pass" to have my desires taken care of. I didn't.

As their conditions changed, they became more sensitive to what was happening around them. There were mood swings, periodic expressions of intolerance, anger and rage. The last years were not what the previous years had been, but they were mine and I had committed myself to them many years before this change.

My personal decision was to suppress my desires and not take advantage of the permission. Self help was always available if needed. I knew that I could never go outside with telling them. We were always open about it and dishonesty is not one of my character traits. I feared that if I acted on my desires their knowledge of it would be destructive. When illness strikes and they can no longer participate, if their mate goes elsewhere it often results in a feeling of abandonment. I did not want that to occur and then have to deal with it.

Taken in context, for me, those periods of celibacy were worth it. I have to admit, however, that after suppressing my urges for those extended periods, if was also difficult to get the fires burning again after a wife's passing.

Based on your post, I don't think my experiences and the way I handled them will be of much help. I can say that if something is happening that is changing the interaction between yourself and your significant other, my first suggestion is that you try to have some discussions about the change, its effect on the relationship and its effect on you individually. It might be possible to come to a reasonable solution together, or at least a better understanding of the dynamics between you which will help you to arrive at an independent decision.

Best of Luck,

Pappy

[axlton]

It was hard for me, i never cheated, but did masturbate like crazy. My wife and i found out the day before we were to be married that we would also be expecting a child in 9 months time. While sex had been frequent and great up to that point, we had only been together for about three months prior. For us it was definitely love at first sight and we were practically planning the wedding after our first date.

However with the pregnancy came MORNING SICKNESS, and not just the usual variety. With her it was morning noon and night and lasted throughout the entire pregnancy. So, for the 40 weeks of the pregnancy and 8 weeks there after there was hardly any sex. After the pregnancy there was issues with post partum depression, and the meds she had to be on also negatively affected her libido. Once all that was over, her sex drive did pick up somewhat, However for it wasn't what it was before all this. While I do have the ability to give her an orgasm every time (I can get her to ejaculate actually) the desire just wasn't as strong for her as it was for me.

A couple of months ago, however, I had a realization. Since we had only been together for a short time before the pregnancy, we never got much of a chance to get to know each other in a sexual way (likes, wants, desires, fantasys, etc) so, I started to talk to my wife more about sex, and what she wanted out of it. It was hard to get her to talk much about fantasies of hers at first, but, I reassured her that nothing she said to me would be judged by me in any way whatsoever. I only wanted to get a peek into her desires and fulfill whatever it was she'd always wanted, but never got the chance to experience.

I'd known for a while that she was into a bit of bdsm, and she expanded on that a bit to start. so one day we were at a thrift store and I see this nice bull whip. I tried to sneak past her with it and buy it for a surprise, but, she caught me going to the register, and, informed me that she had doubts as to whether she could use something so big without seriously injuring me. So I was in a bit of a mood, having wanted to do something special for her and being shot down. So I Decided to make her something more appropriate. Now I'm a fairly handy guy with tools, so later that day I went shopping for supplies and gathered everything I needed to make her a positively beautiful flogger.

Now, I myself had never been into this kind of thing before (it was kind of a turn off in fact) , but, while making her this whip I started fantasizing about her using it on me and found myself getting very aroused. I made her wait, in the the house for several hours while I made it, not telling her what I was making, just that it was a surprise. When I finally got finished and presented her with her new toy, her eyes lit up. No one had ever spent that much time and effort to make a gift for her, let alone one as beautiful as the one I'd made. That was what opened the door for us, from then on she was much more open about discussing her fantasies with me, not just bdsm mind you but all of her sexual fantasies. I can honestly say at this point our sex life is better than ever, we are both wanting more and more, and there is a passion in it that hasn't been there for a long time on both our parts. Now we don't get kinky all the time mind you. just once a week or so, but even when we have vanilla sex, it's still very passionate and better than ever. In fact I would go so far as to say It's been some of the best sex I've had in my life.

After much discussion about not just her many fantasies but mine as well, I even felt comfortable enough to finally come out to her about the fact that I'm bi. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the idea of seeing me with another man is a HUGE turn on for her, and she is willing to let me find a man to play with as long as she gets to watch. We've also purchased several toys, including a "Feeldoe More" (terrific toy btw, if you're not sure what it is you should definitely look it up and give it try) and she gives me anal just about any time I want.

The moral of this story is...
Find out what gets your partner all fired up and DO IT!!!

I mean really get into it, don't just go through the motions for her benefit. you have to make an effort to really get into whatever it is that turns her on. Get her to discuss her fantasies with you and don't be judgemental. No matter how weird it may seem to you at first just accept that this is what turns her on, and get your self turned on with the knowledge that you're giving her something that nobody else ever has or likely ever will.

Last but not least. Don't be afraid to share your own fantasies as well. Remember, if you're willing to go that extra mile for her, she will likely be willing to go that extra mile for you.

[NakedInSeattle]

This question/dilemna is why it is so important for people to be open, caring and willing to communicate. The reason for soooo many divorces and broken relationships is that folks don't understand that NO 2 people can match in their desires and libidos all the time. Sometimes it is necessary for one partner to take things into their own hands to satisfy their needs. This may be momentary or for an extended period of time.

Depending on the openness of the relationship, this may be to find help/release outside the relationship or just simply masturbation. You'd be surprised the number of people that can't understand that their partner needs to masturbate without them having feelings of inadequacy. Speaking of - ditto the remarks about the Hitachi Magic Wand. I thank Hitachi for giving me a happier wife. "When momma's happy, everybody's happy."

In very open relationships (swingers, for instance), one or both partners can and do find fun with others without endagering the relationship with their SO. Is it true that the divorce rate is much lower for swingers? I don't know this to be true but suspect it might be.

But the most important thing is communication. I know that is becomig trite but, damn it, it's true.

[lizard-lix]

[first part snipped]

Speaking of - ditto the remarks about the Hitachi Magic Wand. I thank Hitachi for giving me a happier wife. "When momma's happy, everybody's happy."

In very open relationships (swingers, for instance), one or both partners can and do find fun with others without endagering the relationship with their SO. Is it true that the divorce rate is much lower for swingers? I don't know this to be true but suspect it might be.

But the most important thing is communication. I know that is becomig trite but, damn it, it's true.

AMEN on the "When momma's happy, everybody's happy." :bigrin:

There is one academic paper around on swinging at http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm also some additional at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

I believe that the divorce rate for 'in lifestyle swingers' is about 15% or 1/3 of that for the general population (but I did not go and double check the tables in the paper). However the swingers I know are definitely not divorce candidates, they are very happy folks.. OTOH, I have read accounts where folks who tried to improve a problem relationship by swinging probably hastened divorce, just the same as people who have kids to save a marriage... (ugh!)

And it is definitely not trite, communication is the foundation of a good relationship...

Everyone's mileage will vary...