Love or Sex?

[jaysonzero3]

Hi there.

I have a question. Where does love or sex?
I have had 4 relationships with guys and find it hard to settle in the sex part,
I preffer to feel love then just to have sex. I need to feel crazy in love
to be with some one.

My current BF says there are two kind of ppl, Lovers and doers.
Sensuals and sexuals.

Can you really do that? can you separate sex from love or
viceversa? I only recently found out that girls are attractive too,
almost the same as boys. So now I question my self a lot.
I-ve never had a female relationship cuz I am just not interested
in falling in love with a girl, yet there is something there.

As for my bfs... I don't feel the attraction as well as I used to, but
my love grows deeper every time. So now I post my self a question,
Love... or sex? where does it all fit?. My Bf says I am a romantic lover,
and that he is the sex doer in our relationship, that we balance out,
but without lust... is it really worth it? or am I trying too hard and
put men on a pedestal?...

I feel lost.

[RavenEye]

I had a somewhat of similar post. I'm a lover and a luster. So I guess I balance myself out? Haha. BTW you need to out and experiment! :flag4: Live life to it's fullest! After all the same flavor gets old after a while! :rolleyes:

[bityme]

Hi there.

I have a question. Where does love or sex?
I have had 4 relationships with guys and find it hard to settle in the sex part,
I preffer to feel love then just to have sex. I need to feel crazy in love
to be with some one.

My current BF says there are two kind of ppl, Lovers and doers.
Sensuals and sexuals.

Can you really do that? can you separate sex from love or
viceversa? I only recently found out that girls are attractive too,
almost the same as boys. So now I question my self a lot.
I-ve never had a female relationship cuz I am just not interested
in falling in love with a girl, yet there is something there.

As for my bfs... I don't feel the attraction as well as I used to, but
my love grows deeper every time. So now I post my self a question,
Love... or sex? where does it all fit?. My Bf says I am a romantic lover,
and that he is the sex doer in our relationship, that we balance out,
but without lust... is it really worth it? or am I trying too hard and
put men on a pedestal?...

I feel lost.

You didn't disclose your age, but I have to assume that you are still quite young.

All of us are a product of our desires, our experiences, and the cultures in which we live or have lived. A classic cultural imperative is the idea of love, marriage, and monogamy. I would venture to say that this is much stronger in your native Mexico than here in the United States, particularly since it is the only position taught in the Catholic Church which is the major religion there. Such teaching can be a major influence on our outlook or practices in our own lives.

As we gain in age and experience, we are confronted with or exposed to many different options. Many of us cling to the values that were impressed upon us while we were being raised and others adopt new positions.

If you think about it, your feeling that the presence of love is necessary for sex, then "love, marriage and monogamy" is the logical conclusion. Next comes "love, marriage and polygamy," again implying permanent commitment. Perhaps, however, is the more prevalent idea of "love and serial monogamy without marriage" where you only have sex with the person you are currently in love with. When the love fades away, the sex ends and you go on to find your next "love" before having sex again.

These ideas are inconsistent with certain practices like swinging, being "in love or married" to one person and having an affair with another (of either the same or the opposite gender. In real life, if a member of a committed couple who are swingers could only have sex with someone they "love," the effect on the committed relationship would most often be disastrous.

It takes a different outlook to maintain a committed relationship with another and at the same time enjoy a sexual relationship with one or more people outside of the committed relationship. Those that have such outside sexual relationship often express their mindset as being that the "love interest" is the committed relationship of which having sex is only a part but that the "love" give the sex even deeper and more special a meaning that the sex with the outside party or parties with whom they are not "in love."

I can also be expressed and there being a difference between "having sex with your lover" and having "recreational sex" with someone they are not "in love" with.

You will find that the different threads in this forum express a very wide range of outlooks. Even though this is a Bisexual Community, that doesn't mean that everyone is actually having sex with someone of the same gender. There are some who have monogamous relationship with another person of the same or opposite gender and forego their urge to have a sexual relationship with others. There are those who have a committed relationship with another that appears to be monogamous to their partner but in which they surreptitiously satisfy their urge to have a sexual relationship with someone of the gender other than the person they are not committed to or even with someone of the same gender as the person they are committed to. In either of these cases, the parties to the committed relationship may, or may not, be aware of their partner's attraction to someone outside of the committed relationship.

Then, of course, there are those in committed relationships who have fully disclosed their outside attractions and have come to an agreement which allows one or both of them to satisfy their sexual urges based on those outside attractions. This outside activity may occur either with or without the participation of the other partner.

Finally, there are those who seek satisfaction of their sexual urges, either heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual, but who have no intent or desire to "fall in love" or enter into a committed relationship with another. This is often euphemistically referred to as having a "Fuck Buddy or Buddies."

No matter which of these outlooks or positions we personally take, we hope that others will refrain from being judgmental and respect our personal positions. In real life, this isn't always the case. It seems that the more strict the rules one has adopted for themselves, the harder it is for them to be open-minded or tolerant of others who have adopted more liberal rules. This particular community of site members has, I think, a greater percentage of members who are strict for themselves but tolerant of those more liberal. I have yet to find another site that has a greater breadth and depth of discussions of sexual attitudes with the members expressing opinions without being judgmental. The attacks on others for their beliefs or practices are few and far between, but the do occasionally occur.

Back to your specific questions.

First, there is nothing wrong with wanting "love" to exist before you have "sex" with someone. You may, however, find it very difficult to maintain a committed relationship with someone who feels it is okay to have sex with out "love" unless that person is also willing to forego having "sex" with someone outside of the committed relationship. To be successful, it generally means that the one who is more liberal also realizes they are deeply "in love" with the one having the stricter outlook and because of their "love" they do not desire to act on outside attractions.

Second, it is completely normal for you to, at some time, find you are attracted to or fantasize about a physical relationship with another lady. Whether or not you act on that desire is a personal decision. Given your feeling that "love" is necessary before becoming physical may require a terminating your relationship with your boyfriend if your "love before sex" outlook also requires being monogamous. You might also decide that you can be "in love" with more than one person at the same time. We all know that this is possible, you can love both parents, siblings, etc., all at the same time. The more difficult question you have to answer is: "Can I be in love with and have sex with more than one person at the same time?" Only you can answer that question.

Alternatively, after consideration, you might conclude that a satisfying sexual relationship is possible without "love." Of course, the inquiry that then arises is: "What effect will acting upon an urge for this 'sex without love' have on my relationship with the person I am 'in love with and have sex with?'"

Lastly, please do not try to put men as a group, or anyone individually, on a pedestal. We are all human beings, equally deserving of the respect of each other but never superior nor inferior to anyone else. There may be things that others, individually, do which cause us to have greater admiration for them overall than others we know. We all have others we look up to for examples of good conduct, performance, or intellect, etc., but that only makes them different or more proficient in that particular area. It does not mean that they are overall a better person, worthy of being placed on a pedestal or given authority over us in the decision-making process.

Being in a committed relationship is not where one person is given authority over the other. Such grant of authority is called slavery. A committed relationship is an equal partnership. Things are accomplished by reaching agreement on an issue. It's a give and take. No one person's position is automatically adopted because they are a particular gender. Both parties are willing to accept and consider the position of the other.

I hope my comments have been helpful and wish you the very best as you try to answer these difficult and important questions for yourself. I personally think it is extremely important for each of us to have an understanding of our own attitudes, desires, and expectations before we can have a successful, committed relationship with another.

Good Luck!!!!

Pappy

[jaysonzero3]

Hey there Byteme.

I really thank you for your comments, I think I need to go them over a few times.
I'm 26 by the way. You're right, I do feel that Love is neccesary to have sex, then again, I just came to realize that love without desire is no fun either.

To tell the truth I just recently figured out I am also attracted to women like a few months ago, which has put me in quite a paranoid state. The first time I realized I was gay I had a near suicidal reaction because of my beliefs, so obviously now that this happens it feels the same... but not so harsh.

On the bright side I feel like I now what has been missing from my previous
attemps at sex... a flare of desire and lust. I've been WAY to WORRIED about being the "Perfect" boyfriend I have forgotten my self, But now that I realize that
I may be bisexual, things seem very different. It's both liberating and stressing mainly because my Main fear is to loose my boyfriend which is why I always put them before me... hahaha, that is kinda maddening to tell the truth cuz you kinda lose yourself.

I thank you a lot and feel very happy to have found this site, Being hetero was a bummer, being gay was still not enough, kinda a drag to a point. But being bisexual... Now that's kinda relieving. I will most certainly take your comments in consideration as I embark this new stage of my life. Thanks

[newporter4u]

I can separate love and sex. There is the love where you care for someone and then is the sex part where it is just the experience, the moment type of thing. I think this applies to people and isn't dependent on their sexual preference.

[innaminka]

There is a very old adage -

"You can have good sex without love.
But you can't have love without good sex."

I freely admit there have been many occurences in my life when all I wanted was a good shag - from either man or woman. (part of the "advantages" of being bi :) )
Love had nothing to do with it.
I have fond memories from those encounters and no guilt.

I have fallen in love - real love, not lust - three times in my life.
Everything is different.

To give another quote "to love another person is to see the face of God!." (Jean Valjean)

[Realist]

I CAN separate love and sex; I've had platonic and loving sex.....I'll take loving sex any day.

I enjoy relationships where there is companionship, love, good communication and knowing what my partner enjoys and needs, too.

You probably can't do that very well during a one-night stand.

[void()]

First, relax. You are who are and that is fine.

Second, pour over patra byteme's post. He is quite wise.

Third, see first again. Relaxed? Good. I am roughly now forty years. Still not able to break sex and love. Need love before having sex with someone, other than self, love self.

That is not to say I cannot at times get a wild urge and just hop in the sack for a good time. Have a few different random encounters, one was actually a bit exploitative. Distracted a guard, friends got into a concert. Poor guy was fired when his boss caught us. I still feel ashamed. But he was just too cute and 69 is a cheap price for half a dozen concert goers. <chuckle>

Also randomly did a gal who happened to walk in on me in a shower. It was a strange time, big party involving art, and lots of various stuff. Had been out making what we dubbed truck fires all day, showered fully clothed until she walked in. Of course full clothes were a pair of shots and t-shirt. She started it, asked if I needed something longer. Hot babe, not lesbian like the two gals I was crashing with, um go puppy go.

Regarding your concerns, 1 & 2 apply. Your mileage will vary, it's nothing to worry about.

Paint me duh. Wanted to tell you. It is okay to have both.

[dafydd]

ive noticed recently that on some of the gay sites, you can state what u are searching for in each log in session. e.g. on EuroWoof you can select Love, Sex or Friends.
interestingly u can only choose one of them, like they're mutually exclusive, or that the experience of finding love means sex cannot factor or that friends must be be kept on strictly platonic level.
but maybe they're listed that way for another more banal reason.
technology has reduced human interaction to an 'either or' java script simplicity just to make it easy on our internet browsers. and somewhere along the line we accepted this as fact.
we are slaves to our machines.
d

[jaysonzero3]

I must say I have a long way to go AND I appreciate all your post on this matter. I really do and feel very happy to have found this site. Im starting to relax now about this whole crisis and begin to be my self again. Ive taken the label off and feel much better. Thanks. :tongue:

[DrBimind]

Just to give you another perception to ponder; I'm a 58 yo Bi Male who loves his wife and I have THE BEST SEX with her...most everyone of my male lovers involved hot sex, no "in love" feelings, just a little closer friends (if we were friends before)...guess what I trying to say is I've been deeply in love with women (and the sex reinforced the love) but have only sexual feelings for my male lovers. Again, this is what it's like for me. Everyone learns for themselves what feels right to them. Peace, Love, Dove :bigrin: