Homophobic comments

[Emotional Masochist]

So I have a question for you guys. Recently i have been trying to change my vocabulary to not include gay and fag. I used to say it all the time like "fuck that was gay", "bro quit being a fag" or "urgggg this class is so damn gay". Anyways i found it sort of weird and stupid to say it. So i am trying to be better, but the thing i realised that people do it all the time. The don't see them selves as homophobic, but their words and actions prove otherwise. Like i went to the liquor store with two of my friends and while in line with a bottle in each of our hands we see two guys standing in line together.One of the guys has his hand around the others waist and and the other has his head on the guys shoulder. So i see this and all i can think is "awww so cute. lucky ass me wants someone to lean on hehehe." But as soon as we get out of the store and are walking back to the car all these two idiots can talk about is the two guys. They are going on and on about why they have to be like that in public. Like its fine to be gay in private but why do you have to be all over each other in public. They keep going for a sec before i get fed up and say "hey jackasses you do realise that im right here right??" Their response to this is "yea so what, we know you're bi but you dont flaunt it like that." and i was dumbstruck. What the fuck do i say to this.I let it slide but the more i listen. The more i realise that comments like that weren't uncommon among my friends. its weird cause most of them will say they are fine with homosexuals and bisexuals and what not, but deep down im not sure. Am i over reacting here? Is it just too much to have these people shut up about shit like that? Honestly i am just getting tired and fed up with it. LIke last night i was over at my friends place and i mention something about this gay guy who is a flamer(sorry if thats offensive i couldn't think of a better way to describe it) and he instantly went into this tirade about why he has to be like that. LIke why couldn't he just be a normal person and that if he wasn't gay we would be pickcing on him for it so why is it bad to do it now. I went blank. like is he for real? like sometimes i just want to hit them. Its weird. Its like they dont actually see whats wrong with what they are saying. I dont know. i am getting frustrated with how ignorant people really are..... My question is simply how do you guys deal with this? is it just me who sees this and am i just being too sensitive? like i hear all about how things are better now, but really we have so much further to go...

[Long Duck Dong]

lol...... ok....

have a look at your friends... and ask yourself, how often do they display affection publicly with their partners ????

you may find that its not actually being homo / bi phobic, but actually a issue with public displays of affection... however if they were to say the same thing about a hetero couple, they would get laughed at, and that your friends are talking about something that they do not do either....

as for your flamer friend, listen to his remark carefully, * why can he just not be a normal person *... is that not what we say ourselves, why can we just not be normal people.... why do we constantly have to fight to be accepted....

you are not being overly sensitive, you are starting to see how much we find issues with people and situations, and turn it into a sexuality issue, and do not see beyond that aspect......

its called the victim syndrome.... and we are blind to the fact that heteros have to deal with the same issues...
your friends talk about a public display of affection and immediately its a form of homophobia cos its a gay couple, but if they were to say the thing about a hetero couple..... there would be acceptance and silence....

so is it really ignorance, or us becoming more and more intolerant of people around us, expressing themselves in ways that we feel they shouldn't, and are we getting to the point that we are becoming just like the religious people with their constant judgmental statements about other groups, people etc that do not conform to the religious ideals.....

[Emotional Masochist]

you might be right ldd.. except I know that the guy who was making those comment loves public displays of affection. He doesn mind it at all when its a straight couple in fact he is a bit of an exhibitionist and the other wouldn't care about such things as well. but you still might be right. i might just be playing the victim.and seeing things the way i want to see it. It probably doesn't help that my friends are dicks who like to be idiots and say stupid shit. just i don't know...

[Long Duck Dong]

thanks for clearing that up.... I like to get a idea of the situation and the people involved, instead of just labeling it, bi / homophobia and going on a hetero bashing rant......

ok I was not saying you are the victim.... far from it.... the victim syndrome works in effect by us experiencing a situation and turn ourselves into the victim, and make the situation about us as if we were the ones, attacked, insulted, abused......
IE with the remark about the gay / bi male couple, a victim would get upset and say things like I heard my friends rubbish me for things like kissing my lovers and holding them in public and it really hurt..... then you do the * my own friends are biphobic, they are constantly being biphobic and even time I go out with them, they find gay / bi people to abuse, cos they know it upsets me *

the general advice there is to cut contact with your friends and most victims will say * but I can't, they are my friends... * as cutting contact, means no more reason to be a victim

you handled it well, instead of getting angry and ranting about biphobia, you talked with your friends about what they said and they replied.... and now, rather than go off on a tangent about biphobic, you are talking about your feelings, thoughts and frustration over your friends, but also sharing about how this is a type of behievour for them.....

as you say, your friends are dicks who like to be idiots..... so yes, you handled it very much, the right way..... cos if you had got abusive and in their faces about being homophobic / bi phobic, it could have got messy fast.....

I would have said, now you know how I feel when you are playing tonsil hockey with some female, while you are trying to rip her panties off, at least the gay / bi couple are just holding each other, not trying to reenact porn scenes.....

however, I can get away with that, cos i can back up my mouth with my fists

we relate to behievour on a level we understand, hence to your friend, the gay/bi couple were flaunting their affection... cos thats what he does....so thats how he relates to it... yet in his eyes, what he does is fine, cos hes doing it.... and if other people object, they should get over it, however that doesn't work in reverse in his eyes......

so no you did nothing wrong and you are not a victim... as I have said, you handled it well......

the thing is now, what is the next step, do you continue the friendship, become more vocal and objective, maybe being more publicly affectionate yaself ????

the world is full of opinionated people, unfortunately they have the same right to a opinion as we do.... and its easy to tell others what they can not say, when we are adamant we will not be silenced, and forget that it can go both ways.......

end note.... yeah... it can be called homophobic / bi phobic behievour..... but by the same token, that would make remarks by us about other couples being affectionate in public, phobic as well.......
and so I tend to agree with you that ya friends are being dickheads saying stupid things, cos if they were really biphobic, they were not be hanging around with you......

[pepperjack]

So I have a question for you guys. Recently i have been trying to change my vocabulary to not include gay and fag. I used to say it all the time like "fuck that was gay", "bro quit being a fag" or "urgggg this class is so damn gay". Anyways i found it sort of weird and stupid to say it. So i am trying to be better, but the thing i realised that people do it all the time. The don't see them selves as homophobic, but their words and actions prove otherwise. Like i went to the liquor store with two of my friends and while in line with a bottle in each of our hands we see two guys standing in line together.One of the guys has his hand around the others waist and and the other has his head on the guys shoulder. So i see this and all i can think is "awww so cute. lucky ass me wants someone to lean on hehehe." But as soon as we get out of the store and are walking back to the car all these two idiots can talk about is the two guys. They are going on and on about why they have to be like that in public. Like its fine to be gay in private but why do you have to be all over each other in public. They keep going for a sec before i get fed up and say "hey jackasses you do realise that im right here right??" Their response to this is "yea so what, we know you're bi but you dont flaunt it like that." and i was dumbstruck. What the fuck do i say to this.I let it slide but the more i listen. The more i realise that comments like that weren't uncommon among my friends. its weird cause most of them will say they are fine with homosexuals and bisexuals and what not, but deep down im not sure. Am i over reacting here? Is it just too much to have these people shut up about shit like that? Honestly i am just getting tired and fed up with it. LIke last night i was over at my friends place and i mention something about this gay guy who is a flamer(sorry if thats offensive i couldn't think of a better way to describe it) and he instantly went into this tirade about why he has to be like that. LIke why couldn't he just be a normal person and that if he wasn't gay we would be pickcing on him for it so why is it bad to do it now. I went blank. like is he for real? like sometimes i just want to hit them. Its weird. Its like they dont actually see whats wrong with what they are saying. I dont know. i am getting frustrated with how ignorant people really are..... My question is simply how do you guys deal with this? is it just me who sees this and am i just being too sensitive? like i hear all about how things are better now, but really we have so much further to go...

I met a secretly bi guy once who admitted to me he indulged in gay bashing as a form of camouflage; I think that's what's behind most homophobia, especially with some guys who try to come across as really macho; homosexual panic, an inability to acknowledge one's own tendencies.

[Jobelorocks]

Well people who use those terms in that way aren't necessarily homophobic, it is just terms they have picked up. The phrases probably arose out of homophobia though. Basically bad things are considered "gay" and people who are being bad or dumb are "fags". I choose not to use those words in those ways (I never got into the habit, so it really isn't hard for me) just like I choose not to use terms like "nigger-rigged" because even though I am not racist or homophobic, they arose out of those feelings in the people who started those phrases. They never sat well with me. I don't mind curse words, but terms like this or using the Lord's name in vain both bother me. Mostly because I feel respect for those people and respect for God, so I shouldn't use offensive terms referring to them or use their names or identities in a disrespectful manner.

[pepperjack]

Well people who use those terms in that way aren't necessarily homophobic, it is just terms they have picked up. The phrases probably arose out of homophobia though. Basically bad things are considered "gay" and people who are being bad or dumb are "fags". I choose not to use those words in those ways (I never got into the habit, so it really isn't hard for me) just like I choose not to use terms like "nigger-rigged" because even though I am not racist or homophobic, they arose out of those feelings in the people who started those phrases. They never sat well with me. I don't mind curse words, but terms like this or using the Lord's name in vain both bother me. Mostly because I feel respect for those people and respect for God, so I shouldn't use offensive terms referring to them or use their names or identities in a disrespectful manner.

I agree with u 100% on this post Jobe; I always say jerry-rigged, try to repect God & people.

[tenni]

I think that you have two options. The first you have already more or less exercised. If they do it again, it is your choice to accept it or let them know that you don't want to hear that kind of talk.

Second, if they continue that behaviour, you have the same choice as if someone is behaving in a manner that offends you. Find new friends who express themselves differently. You may have outgrown these guys.

[FloridaFun69]

How did your friends react when you told them you were bi? Have they ever teased you, calling you "queer" or "fag" or "cocksucker"?? If they ridicule others, they probably talk about you behind your back.

Ask yourself - are these the kind of friends you deserve?

[dseven]

Hi EM, I don't know your friends, but I can tell you from my experience, that they should be respecting you, regardless of what everyone else does, if something they're doing is bothering you, you have all the right in the world to tell them, and if it's something of their fault, then they must change their attitude, and believe me, it is their fault, I've heard so many times that crap about PDAs and I'm fucking sick of it, I mean, that's just bullshit created by the church and all that right-winged bigots that are just too full of shit to enjoy love and instead they wanna take away the best things that we have in life.

I would say that you should talk to them, and they should listen, if they don't I won't tell you to tell them to go fuck themselves, I think that's a bit extremist, but I think you should consider downgrading them to "casual friends".

Well, talk to ya later.
Hugs
Dseven.