To Come Out or Not To Come Out, That Is The Question?

[Moonlight_BHI]

So theres been a lot of "should I come out to my friends and family" posts I've seen for the last few months. People asking if they should come out to their family, friends, partners....
Well I wanna ask everyone's opinion(s) in this post, of what you think when it comes to;
Family.
Friends.
and Partners.

Now here's my opinions,
Family, you don't have to tell them, it's not really their business. Of course it's your choice. But they really don't need to know until you're dating the same sex, but if you're moved out, they really don't have to know. In any case though, the decision is your's and your's alone.

Friends, once again, they don't need to know. Their for support, like family, but also back if your family doesn't take it well. So in my opinion, family and friends go hand-in-hand for help. And the decision is your choice.

Partners is a wide category...but I only will give my opinion on in a marriage...you should tell your partner, if your bisexual, reassure them your not leaving them. If your gay....I don't know than...Make the blow softer on them....Maybe.


These are my opinions:2cents:, now I would like to hear what everyone else thinks...Agree, disagree or pick and choose.
Let's have a discussion! :bigrin:

[BiDaveDtown]

I don't agree.

You should tell your friends and family that you're bisexual or GLBT.

My family and my friends know that I am bisexual and they are completely supportive of me.

I told my wife who I eventually married that I'm bisexual when we first started dating and getting to know each other and not after we were married for years or decades.

When I dated and had relationships with men before I was married I told my male partners about my sexuality.

I have noticed that people who are not out and closeted will write about how they don't like how nobody understands bisexuality.

Yet these people who are bisexual and not out, don't tell anyone at all about their bisexuality and they're not out so they are part of the problem.

Then there are people who like to claim out of fear and wanting to stay closeted that you shouldn't come out at all to your family or friends and that there's no need to at all.

[chapear]

I think people should come out. I think of the quote "be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I've told some of my family, others I will when I see them next time. All my friends know. The people I work with don't really matter so no need to tell them.

[Jobelorocks]

I don't agree.

You should tell your friends and family that you're bisexual or GLBT.

My family and my friends know that I am bisexual and they are completely supportive of me.

I told my wife who I eventually married that I'm bisexual when we first started dating and getting to know each other and not after we were married for years or decades.

When I dated and had relationships with men before I was married I told my male partners about my sexuality.

I have noticed that people who are not out and closeted will write about how they don't like how nobody understands bisexuality.

Yet these people who are bisexual and not out, don't tell anyone at all about their bisexuality and they're not out so they are part of the problem.

Then there are people who like to claim out of fear and wanting to stay closeted that you shouldn't come out at all to your family or friends and that there's no need to at all.

Lucky you that you have such open minded family and friends. For some people they face being disowned, shunned, hated, ect. The choice isn't so easy for those people. My family is Evangelical Fundementalist. If I came out to them as bi, they would freak. They would at least believe that I chose that sexuality and that I am going to burn in hell for it...if not worse. Well they already think I am going to burn in hell for being Catholic, but that is a different story. That is the best case scenario. You have to weigh out the pros and cons. For me, I am happily married and I am not going to bring girlfriends around my family so it is not worth coming out.

Some people, like my family, are stubborn in their beliefs and no matter how much logic and reason you use... it will never change their minds. It is easy for you to pass judgement on others who are in the closet with certain people (for me is just family and a few select friends) when yours are so supportive. For other people coming out means giving up everyone in your life or being disowned by family and/or friends or their spouse leaving them.

Each of us need to weigh out our own situations and decide what is right for us.

[12voltman59]

I am usually against it when there are sweeping declarations or generalizations made--but I am going to make one of my own:

No one can make a sweeping statement that if you are bi or whatever---you have to be "out" about it----each and every individual has to determine for themselves under what conditions, to who they come out to and why.

Like most things we encounter in life----even though human beings are sadly stupid enough to think we can make just about nearly everything "black and white"--most things in the world are a shade of gray and discussing with others our sexuality is one of those things as far as I am concerned.

To come out or not is purely a matter of personal concern and it is no one else's business whether someone else is "out" or not---and they should not be judged for whatever decision they make.

[darkeyes]

Lucky you that you have such open minded family and friends. For some people they face being disowned, shunned, hated, ect. The choice isn't so easy for those people. My family is Evangelical Fundementalist. If I came out to them as bi, they would freak. They would at least believe that I chose that sexuality and that I am going to burn in hell for it...if not worse. Well they already think I am going to burn in hell for being Catholic, but that is a different story. That is the best case scenario. You have to weigh out the pros and cons. For me, I am happily married and I am not going to bring girlfriends around my family so it is not worth coming out.

Some people, like my family, are stubborn in their beliefs and no matter how much logic and reason you use... it will never change their minds. It is easy for you to pass judgement on others who are in the closet with certain people (for me is just family and a few select friends) when yours are so supportive. For other people coming out means giving up everyone in your life or being disowned by family and/or friends or their spouse leaving them.

Each of us need to weigh out our own situations and decide what is right for us.

Coming out is what everyone who is gay or bisexual should aspire to..and every year there are more than ever who are out.. sadly circumstances are such for some of us as you rightly point out that make it difficult and can have consequences which are serious and profound... not all of us have the strength to simply some out.. because of those consequences there is little simple about coming out for that many of us... we come out if we feel the moment is right and/or if we believe it is right for us..

.. of course we should all simply be able to be what and who we are.. and in a society which was secure in its own compassion, tolerance and understanding of difference coming out would not be an issue.. for we would not need to come out.. our sexuality would grow and develop and be apparent to the world from a very young age and no one would care.. we would be as heterosexuals are.. able just to be without criticism and without bigotry towards what we are..

.. until that day, millions will come out when they are ready.. not when some divvy tells them.. and as time passes that goal of everyone just being what and who they are will be reached and we will all be able to live in peace and without fear.. but until that day, because of consequences and real fear, millions more will remain what they are in secret.. many will not even admit it to themselves.. and those consequences I have outlined as have you and others in this and many other threads.. we are not fully accepted by society.. there are many dangers in coming out not just risk of chastisement by and loss of family and friends, persecution by authority and the community.. in some parts of the western world even where homosexuality is perfectly legal, gays and bisexuals as well as transpeeps face real danger as is shown by the thousands of assaults on their person, many serious, and as is shown by the numbers who have their lives forcibly taken from them in often the most violent manner...

Yes we should all come out.. but when we are ready and feel able to face the world unashamedly and when we are ready to take the risks of personal harm and even death by doing so and all the other consequences which we are likely to face.. Dave is like a broken record.. he and others have to get the dig in at every turn about people being closeted and how they should just do it.. come out.. dead easy.. but it is anything but dead easy for so many of us.. the consequences are not dead easy.. and no one should ever come out without weighing those consequences up by the most careful consideration.. not all of us live in a sea of compassion and tolerance.. even fewer live in an ocean of acceptance and understanding.. Dave and his ilk show little compassion, a minimum of tolerance and no acceptance and understanding whatsoever of others for the real problems they have in coming out.. they speak contemptuously of them and try to instil guilt into them for not declaring themselves for what to them, are the very best of reasons...

.. but we are getting there and in time it will be that we can just be, openly and without fear... not soon enough but as each year passes, our objective becomes just that little bit closer...

[bikiniman]

I believe that your sexual preferences are really only of relevance to your sexual partner. I do not see the need to tell my family and friends anything about my sexual orientation.

If it were to come up in discussion I might consider disclosing my orientation but I certainly do not see the need to "come out" and make a big deal out it.

Each to their own.

[SxyStar]

I have been out to everyone in my life, almost everyone. My children don't know b/c they r not old enough to understand.

I told my family when I was 15, they thought it was just a phase since I was so young. When I met my husband 12 yrs ago, I told him right up front, when we met. So he has known from day one. All of my friends know and r supportive since most of them r bisexual themselves.

I haven't been with a woman in the sexual aspect since I was 19, so no one in my family has brought up the topic of sexuality. I would be disowned by them if they knew I was still bi sexual. They r racists against anyone who is not white or heterosexual.

[Moonlight_BHI]

Well, quite the opinions.

Since its opinions, no one is really wrong or right but in other cases, some are right and some are wrong.

Now,
I am out to my primary parts of my family; Mother, father and grandmother.
I'm out to my friends. Was out to almost all of my boyfriends.
I have family that wouldn't disown me, but would never understand or care to know I'm bisexual.
I am open to those who care and are supportive. Those I trust, love and care for.

[darkeyes]

I believe that your sexual preferences are really only of relevance to your sexual partner. I do not see the need to tell my family and friends anything about my sexual orientation.

If it were to come up in discussion I might consider disclosing my orientation but I certainly do not see the need to "come out" and make a big deal out it.

Each to their own.

I don't think you are so wrong Bikiniman.. what we are is personal to us all and really is no one elses business... but think on this.. had people not come out and made a big thing about their sexuality, no progress would have been made regarding gay and bi rights... certainly nothing like that which had been since the mid 1960s...

.. but in time no one will be able to make a big thing about it because all the sexualities will have an equal footing in truth rather than simply in law... and what we are will just be what we are.. and no one will bat an eyelid... bu mostly it is not gay and bisexual people who make a big thing about it... but those around us..and that too will gradually disappear as indeed to a great extent it already has...

[Dead Account]

Yes, quite a list of opinions. Each scenario decides for us in a way. I think that careful consideration is needed in each case. Just a blanket "throw caution to the wind" decision is risky at best. I look at it this way- would my wife welcome this with open arms or would she be hurt by it? What would my kids have to go through as a result? How would it change my relationships at work if it happened to get out there? Granted, I'm human and have every right to live a happy, sane life like everyone else, but to be honest, changing a dynamic this drastically requires careful, thoughtful intelligent use of timing. God gave us brains to use after all. I certainly wouldn't lead by the chin and lose my job, family and community standing on brash decision making. Love sure is complicated, isn't it? ;)

[darkeyes]

Yes, quite a list of opinions. Each scenario decides for us in a way. I think that careful consideration is needed in each case. Just a blanket "throw caution to the wind" decision is risky at best. I look at it this way- would my wife welcome this with open arms or would she be hurt by it? What would my kids have to go through as a result? How would it change my relationships at work if it happened to get out there? Granted, I'm human and have every right to live a happy, sane life like everyone else, but to be honest, changing a dynamic this drastically requires careful, thoughtful intelligent use of timing. God gave us brains to use after all. I certainly wouldn't lead by the chin and lose my job, family and community standing on brash decision making. Love sure is complicated, isn't it? ;)

It isn't love that's complicated Doogie but life... people shouldn't lose jobs because of their sexuality.. in law, at least in my country it is expressly forbidden.. but they do.. other reasons are found to end people's careers which can be more easily defended in court or at tribunals.. similarly people are not employed because of their sexuality.. again that is expressly forbidden but similarly reasons can always be found by the prejudiced to give a nice straight person a job over a gay or bisexual person.. family and community will look on us differently and for many of us sacrifice will be made as we are shunned by members of both.. for those reasons alone people have to decide up with what they will put, and how much sacrifice they are prepared to make to become openly bisexual or gay.. many don't because they feel they can't.. we are human beings and have feelings.. but so does our family and friends.. it is not simply us who may make sacrifices but them also as prejudice aimed at us affects them too.. aften in the most sinister form.. if we are gay or bi and are never going to express that sexuality with others of our kind, should we out ourselves? Is it prudent and right for us to do so? Are we going to risk our family and friends, our whole life if we have no intention of being actively what we are?

Questions for all of us arent there.. but something to think about.. if every closeted gay, bisexual and transgendered person on the planet one day all openly declared themselves as what they are simultaneously.. what do u think would be the consequences? As millions of families and communities were faced with millions of lgbt people they never dreamed were lgbt people? As millions of bigoted people were faced with an open army of gays, bis and transpeeps even they never dreamed was possible... just how much tragedy, misery and chaos would that bring to our world as the homophobic reacted to that event? Maybe it just might pass off without too much tragedy in the more liberal democracies but I doubt that.. it certainly would not in less progressed societies around the globe.. we don't know because it will never happen like that short of a truth serum being put in the water supply... every action has a reaction.. such a scenario is but and speculation and hypothesis.. but for those who say we should come out willy nilly and bugger the consequences should think of that..

[Dead Account]

Darkeyes, I loved your response. Just because we can doesn't mean we should. At least not without some forethought. I believe we are in a transition period of acceptance, but ignorance and intolerance still persists. Your last sentence says it best. I cannot knowingly hurt another person and not expect consequences. At least that's for me anyway.

[jj671]

ok, speaking as someone who just came out to his wife (4 days ago!) i personally am glad i did but was very scared to do so. i do belive its best for your partner to know. after all they should be number one in your life!

as far as family... it really depends on you. in my case i may tell one of my sisters and no one else. in my opinion she is the only family member that would accept me and not look at me any differently as she does now.

and for friends... thats a tough one for me. currently have no plans to tell any of them. they just dont need to know for one thing. the other thing is i dont want to take any chances that i would loose any of my friends over it. i know that may be wrong, and if they are really good friends it shouldnt matter, but some of them are very, very conventional, for a lack of a better description.
thats my 2 cents!

[Jobelorocks]

Actually in the U.S. in 31 states (last I heard) there is no protection for discrimination due to sexual orientation in jobs. So basically in 31 states and employer can legally say you are fired because you are bi/gay/straight/asexual and get in no legal trouble for it. Very sad.

[darkeyes]

Darkeyes, I loved your response. Just because we can doesn't mean we should. At least not without some forethought. I believe we are in a transition period of acceptance, but ignorance and intolerance still persists. Your last sentence says it best. I cannot knowingly hurt another person and not expect consequences. At least that's for me anyway.

Wy ty Doogie me luffly.. if u've read any of my dross over the years u will know I came out as a bisexual girl at 14.. I could do this because of the way I was brought up and the people who brought me up.. it has been a tremendously positive and enjoyable experience for me and I have only one regret.. and that regret is a salutory reminder that however much we want to come out, and no matter how positively that outing is received in our little world, thoughtless go ahead and do it anything can have consequences which we had not bargained for..

.. I was raised in a very close knit loving family which had the most liberal upbringing imaginable.. life was fun.. we all adored each other (except for me mum nagging at me for my "irresponsibility and lip"...). When I finally decided to announce to all that I was bisexual, this was greeted by a nod of the head, a few questions and smiles by all.. my mother,father and sister just accepted it and started good naturedly taking the piss out of " little miss gay girl"(their words if I was not exactly gay.. my lesbianism was a later manifestation).

.. sitting at the table was my brother who held his peace.. now he and I had always been incredibly close like all of us had been.. closer than my elder sister and he for certain.. he had always been my protector (me being wee, younger and him a huge lummox of a dope) and no one was ever allowed to touch me or he would settle with them.. he was that kind of brother.. after some family banter about my new found status as a bisexual girl he erupted into the most viscious foul evil language you can imagine and he addressed me as "a treacherous perverted little fucking bitch.." words which I will never ever forget..and stormed out of the house... my father ran after him but the die was set.. for the next 14 years he and I never could be civil to one another.. he became gay basher, bigot and fucking shitebag to me and any who were not straight.. it was something I never understood because we had never ever been raised to be prejudiced against people for what they are.. quite the contrary..

It was about 3 years ago I suppose when I finally found out why my big brother was such a shite.. why he had reacted as he did and why for half of my life my beloved brother had become my enemy.. he had been physically and sexually abused when he was a young boy... my parents knew.. my sister knew.. but being the youngest no one thought to let me into it.. my little announcement had set him off.. it brought back to him the abuse which he had suffered at the hands of someone of his own gender.. the fact that I was a girl didnt matter to him.. as long as things like that didnt touch him closely he was fine.. when his little sister suddenly announced without warning that she was bisexual and fancied girls brought out all the hate and bile which the fucking bastard who had abused him had forcibly instilled into him by his cruelty and had been stored and suppressed in his conscious..

Had I known any of this at the time I mayhave been more discreet and simply discussed it with my parents I think.. but thats with aftersight.. maybe I wouldn't because whether we like it or not same sex relationships for girls and women never have been looked on with the same fear and loathing as for boys and men... my sister developed her bisexuality later than me, but knowing what she did and having seen how her brother had taken mine said nothing and kept her's quiet for a long long time.. she has always been the quieter of the two of us and some would say much more sensible and thoughtful, but my announcement of my sexuality and my brother's reaction, the pain which it brought to my family all added to her refusal to discuss her sexuality with any one of us.. and when she finally did you could have knocked me down with a feather...

.. once I learned of my brother's abuse, and we finally began to open up to one another the healing began.. he began to see that there is a difference between what happened to him and how I am.. the penny finally dropped that he had been abused not by a homosexual but a paedophile.. one who considers himself even now as a str8 man...

The last few years have been a joy to me.. my cup overflows with goodness... and of all that goodness my reconciliation and the gaining of understanding with my brother, and him of me, of homosexuality and bisexuality and of trans, is one of the greatest of those goodnesses... when I recall the bitterness and division our estrangement caused, the arguments between all of us, the things which were often said.. deeply hurtful things.. that reconciliation becomes ever more joyful to me..

I am sorry I have made this history so long... but I have done it to illustrate just what thoughtless actions for the best of reasons can unwittingly cause within a family and between brother and sister who love each other deeply.. between them and their parents and other siblings.. our strife reached out and affected other parts of our wider family and hurt some of them... it caused some division and I know the division affected my father's parents very badly, which really had I been more thoughtful and knowledgable and mature maybe I could or even should have avoided... it has been a lesson to my parents about keeping secrets and what it can mean...

..all because a little brat of 14 couldn't control her excitement and her mouth and without thinking that although she could not foresee any difficulties and consequences, that there would be none..

[Emotional Masochist]

I don't know how it is with other people, but the reality is with me i haven't come out because i am a coward. I have no reason to hide it form my parents. They are and will be really supportive. But right now my relationship with them is very rocky and throwing this at them is just impossible. Mostly of my friends know and are supportive, but there are a few of my friends who are homophobic and assholes so i avoid letting them know.I am having issues hearing these ideas from these people and some of the things they say and i just cringe at the thought of what they'd say. Beyond them there is the rest of my family who are quite annoying and ignorant. Like my uncle`s refer to my gay cousin as "funny" even though he is completely out and have basically disowned him. Its weird. Like i don't hate the idea of coming out and am actually stepping out slowly one step at a time. I told a couple of random people at my college. I am slowly working up the courage to keep pushing forward with that, but reality i i dont think i will ever be completely out. But i dont think it will matter in the end.

[Light_and_Dark]

I myself am straight but my partner is bi....and from a straight perspective looking in I have this to comment....Who really comes home and tells their mother "Hey mom I was down at the bar and some random drunk girl sucked my dick in the back ally."

I mean who really does that? Telling your family your sexuality..yes they might support or shun you but the point is what goes on in your bedroom is none of their business.

Now this is my opinion of course but...It is a very basic opinion. Your family really dont want to know that you are bi gay or straight..the whole act of coming out to them very rarely is for support issues but more of a bragging....

Yes some families have very open relationships but it is all depending on your family environment, if you have a family that is willing to support you and be relaxed and open with you and talking about that is as normal as talking about the weather that is one thing.

Though if you are in one of those families that either dont care or shun that sort of thing all you are doing is either trying to brag, shove it down someones throat, or cause strife in which case it should not be done.

Now when it comes to friends...well if they really are your friends they already figured it out by now so why not tell them? Plus since your friends are different then your family they choose to be friends with youb ased on their collective knowledge of you so they have a semi right to know that depending again on your typical friendship.

Now your partners I believe have an intrinsic right to know and they are definitely people you should come out to. Yes my girls bisexuality causes some issues between us but so does me being straight....Again it depends on the relationship but that is the type of relationship where bi and gays should be honest about their orientation.

LoL.

[Graphfix]

Light and Dark, Agreed, all points, no one other then your partner, straight, gay, bisexual, pan-sexual, abstract, or what have you, needs to know your orientation, preference or complexities. :flag3:

[Long Duck Dong]

as fran stated, the more people that have come out, the more changes have come about for lgbt....... but have they ?????

when rosa parks refused to stand so a white person could have her seat, it did not become a fight for the rights of african american women, it became a fight for each and every person to have the right to have a seat on a bus, regardless of race, colour or gender......

we are still stuck on the rights of the LGBT... when its the rights of every person to have basic human rights, regardless of race, religion, age, gender, sexuality etc...... and it begs the question, would people still fight for the rights of the LGBT if they were not LGBT themselves... or would they fight for the rights of every man / woman and child, to have the same rights......

I am known as bisexual and people often say to me, why do you not fight for LGBT rights.. and my answer is normally, cos LGBT do not need rights for LGBT, people need rights for people.... and the LGBT people that fight for LGBT rights, are fighting for their own advantage, but would they stand and fight for non LGBT peoples rights ???? or would they fight for basic human rights for others regardless of sexuality ?????

to come out or not come out, is best answered by a simple question.... WHY ?

should you come out as LGBT so that you can become a additional number to be considered when laws are being passed.....

should you come out as LGBT cos that way its easier to get laid ?

should you come out as LGBT so that way you can tell other people how being LGBT works, and confuse them cos other LGBT are different and do things differently ?

or should you have the right of choice.... the rights to privacy...the right to not be pressured into doing something cos others believe that coming out is best for you in your life........

as a shaman once said to me, animals in nature are not free, they are bound by the laws of nature yet we would free animals in a zoo, so they can be free in nature..... and we would say its best for them to be in their nature surroundings......but nature is cruel and they could end up hunted by other animals or man can hunt them, shoot them, fish them and destroy their surroundings...... despite all the laws and rules and guidelines we put in place

mankind is no different to the animals, we are bound by the laws of nature..... and its cruel.... and despite all the laws and rules and quidelines we put in place, people will be hurt, heartbroken, disillusioned, lied to, decieved and have their lives ripped apart.......

but we call it love, caring and respect for the animals and humans........

you can either be a predator or the prey.... and while you are in the closet... you will always be a target for those that will try and free you from the zoo that is protecting you from nature....

so why come out of the closet ??? I can not give any reasons that are valid to anybody..... cos its not their lives I live, and nor do I have to deal with the choices of their actions, I can only speak from the experience of my own......

[RavenEye]

I've told all my friends and co-workers. (EXCEPT my male friends. I'm scared to haha.) As for family, that is a BIG NO. Both sides of my family are hardcore Christians. In fact, my dad says that there is a special place in hell for all gay and bi men. However, lesbians can go to heaven. Not sure how that works. In fact he's told me once while having my face in his hands "Don't you ever tell me your gay, or bisexual!" So my bisexuality stays in the closet from family.