Need advice pls

[SxyStar]

I've been with my husband for 8 yrs but only married for almost 2 yrs. We use to have sex at least twice a wk now it has got to when it is maybe once a wk if I'm lucky. He says it is because of his age, he is only 31. My sex drive is a lot higher then his but I've always had a high sex drive. I've talked to him about it and he says it isn't me. But there has been times that I'll find a porn in our DVD player, so it makes me think that it is me. I'm not really his type, from what I know of. He likes the dark skinned, big boobed, tall, skinny type. I'm 4'11, 140 lbs, 36C, and white. I don't mind him watching the porn because we watch them together. Two of them are actually mine, not his. Plus, here lately I've been masturbating a lot which seems to help but since I've been doing it, if we do have sex I get off once and I'm done. I've never been that way, ever. I love my husband. Just the thought of his being unattracted to me sexually hurts a lot. Does anyone have any kind of advice or has been through this samething? Pls, help. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Plus, I feel like I'm cheating him b/c I'm bi. Like I can't be all the woman he wants or needs.

[falcondfw]

I've been with my husband for 8 yrs but only married for almost 2 yrs. We use to have sex at least twice a wk now it has got to when it is maybe once a wk if I'm lucky. He says it is because of his age, he is only 31. My sex drive is a lot higher then his but I've always had a high sex drive. I've talked to him about it and he says it isn't me. But there has been times that I'll find a porn in our DVD player, so it makes me think that it is me. I'm not really his type, from what I know of. He likes the dark skinned, big boobed, tall, skinny type. I'm 4'11, 140 lbs, 36C, and white. I don't mind him watching the porn because we watch them together. Two of them are actually mine, not his. Plus, here lately I've been masturbating a lot which seems to help but since I've been doing it, if we do have sex I get off once and I'm done. I've never been that way, ever. I love my husband. Just the thought of his being unattracted to me sexually hurts a lot. Does anyone have any kind of advice or has been through this samething? Pls, help. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Plus, I feel like I'm cheating him b/c I'm bi. Like I can't be all the woman he wants or needs.

Number 1, don't EVER let anyone make you feel that way because you are bi.
Number 2, I have seen your pics and any guy would be crazy not to be sexually attracted to you.

With guys, the porn thing (for many) is all about fantasy. What it would feel like to be "in some strange". It doesn't mean he is no longer attracted to you. It doesn't mean he would ever act on the fantasy.

Also, I believe with guys, our sex drive peaks in our teens and early 20's and peter's out (pun intended) after that. Although some guys continue to have a high sex drive into their 40's and 50's. With women, they usually peak in their 30's. If you think your sex drive is high now, wait until you hit 30. You will be a complete nympho.

As for hubby, is he overweight? If he is overweight, he might feel unattractive to you. Also, being overweight will affect his hormonal balance and it causes storage of estrogen, which will fight his testosterone, which has been declining in his body since his mid-20's. That will affect performance and desire. Did he have an injury to the area in question or to the head, at some time in his past? Twice a week seems a low number for a couple just starting out.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news in closing. If your sex drives started out at opposite ends of the spectrum, it will only get worse with time, as you two feel more comfortable with each other.

[littlerayofsunshine]

There are many reasons as to why a man will have a lower libido. Alot of the time its due to stress and insecurity. So if there has been some financial struggling, or he has had job stress. Those will easily effect his self esteem and the libido would reflect it. Sometimes its health related and needs to be checked out by a physician. Its not uncommon for there to be a period of low sexual activity ( a lull ) from time to time. You have been together 8 years it was bound to happen. He's obviously attracted to you and desires you and the 8 years go to prove that.

Men have this uncanny ability to watch porn and separating it from their real life sexual interests. Basically meaning. His porn tastes may not reflect in any fashion how attracted or less attracted he is to you. Its eye candy and men will watch porn regardless of their libido being high, low or non-existent.

Possibly your loss of orgasm (Having fewer than normal orgasm) or satisfying sex with your husband could be due to your feeling insecure at this moment and the disconnect you feel with him. For women orgasms can be highly tied to our emotions. Masturbating and keeping your libido primed is great and I suggest you continue to do so.

Orgasms increase our libido, can snap us out of a funk and leave us wanting more. The old saying "If you don't use it, you lose it" comes to mind. The longer you go without a gratifying orgasm, the less you will have desires or a libido.
(btw I can't wait to see the movie Hysteria with Maggie Gyllenhall, and I don't even like romantic comedies)

Keep communication open. Use this time to express how much you still desire him and stroke his ego. Make a night with him, have someone take the kids for a night and fulfill a fantasy for him. Be his pornstar for a night. Sometimes a great sexual kick to a man's libido is seeing is wife in a different light

I've been married 12 years and we have had lulls. Those lulls gave us reason to explore new alternate ways of enticing each other ( and ourselves at times ) that are unconventional. *smirks* I'm like you and have a higher sex drive than he does and it has been that way the whole time we have been together. He calls me Insatiable. I call him Damn Lucky.

Hang in there and good luck :-)

[SxyStar]

Falcon,
When it comes 2 him watching porn in the aspect of fan tasy or "strange". He has had his strange. He cheated on me about 3 months ago with a 20 yr old. He said that all she did was lay there. We were apart for a month and I didn't have any strange while he was gone. He has told me that he can't really handle the even thought of me being with anyone else sexually but him. That's why I said I feel like I'm cheating him.
He is overweight at all. He is 5'10, 150 lbs. It could be stress related b/c of money. I just graduated college for my CAN license, just haven't got a job yet in that field. He has never had any head trauma or any genital trauma either. He did do a lot of drugs when he was younger.

Littlerayofsunshine,
When it comes to doing one of his fantasies or trying to be like a pornstar for him. I have tried that to every ability I have. The main part he likes in porn is the blow jobs. I give him that any time he wants it. He gets all of the oral sex in our realtionship. He doesn't like any of the lesbian scenes in porn at all. We were making our own ameatur porn for a while, since he trades with a best friend of his.

I am really disconnected from him. Here lately we can't say a few words to each other without it feeling like I did something wrong. All we have been doing is arguing.

I'm a real sexual person and he is no where close to that. He is just now getting to where he will talk to me during sex or even about it.

[falcondfw]

Falcon,
When it comes 2 him watching porn in the aspect of fan tasy or "strange". He has had his strange. He cheated on me about 3 months ago with a 20 yr old. He said that all she did was lay there. We were apart for a month and I didn't have any strange while he was gone. He has told me that he can't really handle the even thought of me being with anyone else sexually but him. That's why I said I feel like I'm cheating him.
He is overweight at all. He is 5'10, 150 lbs. It could be stress related b/c of money. I just graduated college for my CAN license, just haven't got a job yet in that field. He has never had any head trauma or any genital trauma either. He did do a lot of drugs when he was younger.

Littlerayofsunshine,
When it comes to doing one of his fantasies or trying to be like a pornstar for him. I have tried that to every ability I have. The main part he likes in porn is the blow jobs. I give him that any time he wants it. He gets all of the oral sex in our realtionship. He doesn't like any of the lesbian scenes in porn at all. We were making our own ameatur porn for a while, since he trades with a best friend of his.

I am really disconnected from him. Here lately we can't say a few words to each other without it feeling like I did something wrong. All we have been doing is arguing.

I'm a real sexual person and he is no where close to that. He is just now getting to where he will talk to me during sex or even about it.

Sexy,
ok. the drugs could SERIOUSLY affect libido AND performance. I suggest if he is concerned about it that he talk honestly and openly with a doctor or shrink about it. And like I said, testosterone (that which makes guys horny) declines with age. His weight is obviously not a factor, which is good, but age and the drugs are DEFINITELY a factor. If he is not concerned about it, then you have a decision to make. If you are not concerned about the same things, what chance does the relationship have?

Cheating is NEVER good. In ANY relationship. I think that is also playing on your mind. He broke your trust. A VERY serious thing to do. No matter how much you forgive him, that will always be between you. This is not something you can handle by yourselves, even if you think you can. 3 months is still fresh. You two BOTH need professional help to work through the trust /honesty issues. I admire your capacity for forgiveness, but even if you totally forgive, it will still be in the back of your mind. It is human nature. If he won't go to counseling, ask him how serious he is about the relationship.

The disconnection you mention is a direct result of the cheating. I can almost guarantee that. Trust and honesty are so important in a loving, couple relationship. So is communication. I think you are communicating your needs, but maybe not in a way he can understand. A counselor will help you learn how to translate things into "guy speak".

[littlerayofsunshine]

Well hell I never would have suggested being his fantasy had I known he had cheated. That is a much deeper issue than libido and his attraction to you.

There are open wounds in this relationship. And that needs to be dealt with to the core matter of why it happened before healing can begin. Connection will be possible again once healing takes place.

You suffered a real big blow to your self esteem. But please don't beat yourself up. Cheating is normally a symptom for something else. He has an issue obviously that he can't or won't communicate. It is not relative to you, though it effects you and hurts you. 3 months is not enough time for healing to take place and you're obviously still torn up about it. Sure you forgave him and got back together with him, but that's just a band aid and anything that he does negative towards you is just like ripping it off and re-opening the wound.

He's probably still in defensive mode. So I agree with falcon you both should seek counseling as individuals and as a couple if you both want this to work. Even if he won't, seek help for yourself.

He has cheated on you, but yet can't fathom the thought of you being with anyone else. That's being possessive and controlling with a jealous nature. And in that respect, what he fears most may be just what he needs. Now I am not suggesting you cheat. But if he's not willing to deal with the issues at hand then he needs to know the doors that are open to you and how you chose to walk through the one that leads to him, but can also walk in a different direction, even if that means out of the relationship.

Healing will require, open deep down honesty, taking down walls, and expressing the issues without anger or blame. Rebuilding trust a little at a time... Its a lot of hard work, but with the right guidance you both could be able to accomplish it and come out the other end as better people and a more loving couple.

[maxtor]

you being 22, i take it the kids are his by a former. how long has he been divorced or widowed?? what was the nature of the divorce or death. look at that cause that could have something to do with it. his mind going back to her and especially if it was death by accident or something.

i naturally thought the kids, being 9 & 6, would be his cause you would had to have been 11 and 16 when you conceived. i didnt think that practical.



I've been with my husband for 8 yrs but only married for almost 2 yrs. We use to have sex at least twice a wk now it has got to when it is maybe once a wk if I'm lucky. He says it is because of his age, he is only 31. My sex drive is a lot higher then his but I've always had a high sex drive. I've talked to him about it and he says it isn't me. But there has been times that I'll find a porn in our DVD player, so it makes me think that it is me. I'm not really his type, from what I know of. He likes the dark skinned, big boobed, tall, skinny type. I'm 4'11, 140 lbs, 36C, and white. I don't mind him watching the porn because we watch them together. Two of them are actually mine, not his. Plus, here lately I've been masturbating a lot which seems to help but since I've been doing it, if we do have sex I get off once and I'm done. I've never been that way, ever. I love my husband. Just the thought of his being unattracted to me sexually hurts a lot. Does anyone have any kind of advice or has been through this samething? Pls, help. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Plus, I feel like I'm cheating him b/c I'm bi. Like I can't be all the woman he wants or needs.

[SxyStar]

Maxtor,
I am 27 and neither one of my kids are his biologically. My oldest is a rape baby and my youngest is from an ex. He was never married but has a daughter by his ex who is 9.

Littlerayofsunshine,
I have tried to talk to him about him cheating on me and he keeps saying that it was b/c he could talk to her. Since all we did was fight or me having my bi polar episodes all the time. He left b/c of those reasons. He slept with her b/c he wanted to try someone new but realized that regardless her age, he couldn't have what he wanted with her. Sometimes I think her just settled for me,but idk anymore.

[eddy10]

SxyStar .... Please do yourself and your husband a great favor and seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are a lot of good ideas and good supporters here at Bisexual.com, but, only a pro can give you the help you so desperately need.

I wish you the best.

[want2havefun]

SxyStar .... Please do yourself and your husband a great favor and seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are a lot of good ideas and good supporters here at Bisexual.com, but, only a pro can give you the help you so desperately need.



Probably good advice right there. ^^^

A person with low libido is often not that concerned with it, its not really a 'problem' when one is getting all they want. And pressuring them about it is likely only to make them want sex even less. Sometimes there are medical or emotional issues related to a low sex drive. Or it can be related to other issues within the relationship. Sometimes though its just how a person is. Some people just dont desire that much sex and nothing will really change that.
Get some professional help and seek the right answers in your case.

[BradNDallas]

Well let me start with saying there are many reasons why a man has a decrease in his sex drive, but I think the real issue with the two of you is that your are not talking about it. You both need to be open with each other and tell one another what is going and how this is making both him and you feel. Eveyone has issues they do not feel comfortable talking about with their spouce but when you get down to it that is the one person you should be discussing your feelings with. Take it from me....if your feel bothered by it you really need to sit him down and tell him.

[BiBedBud]

SxyStar,

I have not read this whole thread, but I think some good points were raised above. I'd like to add a couple of (arcane) points, hoping they don't conflict too much with what's beens said above....

In any relationship, there are things we can do as individuals, and things that we rely on our partners to do. He's got to want to address the situation himself, for him to do anything about it. Now, you can do things yourself, and you can do what you can to encourage him to do things, but you've got to be clear in your own mind, about the difference between the two.

More specifically....

If he's concerned about his sex drive, he can do things to improve it, if he wants to. For example, if it really does come down to a testosterone thing, working out more, particularly lifting weights or doing other exercises that seriously max-out muscles (as opposed to cardio-intensive exercises), might help bring-up his hormonal level. Hopefully, this would rebalance his hormones sufficiently well, to where he'll want to work-up a sweat with you. At the very least, this would help him to handle stress better, and that can't be a bad thing.

Something you can do on this score: I remember reading years ago, in a scientific-type publication, that gentle fondling of testicles actually increases testosterone production. Therefore, you should play with his balls more.

For goodness sake, do whatever you can to reduce the amount of arguing, unless you're the type of couple that does a lot of arguing, and then you work it out of your systems by bumping uglies.

Something else: Overexposure to certain chemicals, known as 'xenoestrogens' can counteract the male hormone testosterone. These chemicals are chock-o-block full in plastic items, which I'm sure you're aware, are found everywhere. So, if your man is drinking out of plastic vessels, or eating foods that are heated in plastic containers, swap all of those out for non-plastic containers. If he's playing with a soft-plastic sex toy (that's not silicone), throw it out and get him a silicone one. Basically, do everything you can to get him away from plastic -- because it might just be a case of hormone distruption.:2cents:

GOOD LUCK!

[SxyStar]

BradNDallas,
I have tried to talk to him about it. He tells me that it is not desiring sex as much has nothing to do with me. Plus that he is getting to an age where he doesntwant it as mucha anymore. I understand men's libido does start going down at an certain age but I didn't think it would be in their 30's. He doesn't see it as a problem at all, but I do. H

[SxyStar]

BiBedBud,

I have tried almost everything known to do to try and increase his libido. Trying play on fantasies, do anything he wants. I know one of his problems is he has a performance issue. He will last 10 to 15 minutes when we do have sex. I have told him numerous times that it didn't matter how long he lasted. To fullfill me, add more foreplay and that would help me a lot.

Here lately he has been saying stuff about guys on TV or at least he has twice. About how they look good and r good dressers. I've have told him before that if he is bi sexual, I woulan't mind at all. He always says stuff about gays, but I think he does that b/c he is scared to admit that he might be bi. His family wasn't real open about sex.

[welickit]

Interesting that you use the terms "his" and "mine" Kinda looks like you need to grow up a bit.

[SxyStar]

Welickit,
Yes, I use terms like "his" and "mine". I also use those terms for a reason. If I had the low libido problem or was the one that cheated then I would say it was me. It is kinda hard to say "us" or "we" when the problem only pertrays to one person.
If you don't like what is said then no one is putting a gun to ur head to read any of this either. If u don't like the termonology or the wording, I should say since I'm the one that needs to grow up, then don't read it.

[falcondfw]

Star,
What he is saying about age is bullshit. I am 45 and horny as ever. I don't always work as well as I used to, but, as you pointed out, there are ways to make up for it. Heck, Moses had a kid when he was 90.

However, I think BiBedBud has some VERY valid points. A lot of the problems today are about nutrition and education. They are also about societal issues too. Men have become "sissified" or "feminized" over the last 40 years by the women's movement. We were trained it was an insult to open doors for a lady. Now, some things in the women's movement were good, but it was taken too far. But also, with the high degree of chemicals found in everything. A lot of them fight everything about being a man.

For example, look how many years DDT was used before they found out it caused cancer? Now we eat genetically modified corn, beef where the cows have been given growth hormones, and fish that are farm raised and stuffed with anti-biotics so they don't get other fish sick. These scientists have no clue and should all be stuffed to the gills with the crap they are promoting. THEN we would see what effect these things really have. And, by the way, corn is in EVERYTHING in some form or another. THANKS MONSANTO!

All of these things will help his problem. But only to a degree. I think you already know what would truly help the relationship for both of you. You have issues and he has A LOT of issues. Unless they are dealt with properly, the relationship will continue to suffer. It will eventually (if it is not already) get to the point where you resent each other and you stay in the relationship for convenience. Been there, done that. Don't let it get there, because there is no recovery from that.

@welickit - Did you even read the thread? That's a pretty freakin arrogant statement to make. Physical problems like non-performance or no desire are an issue of the one having the problem. She was not trying to assign blame. She was just stating who had the problem and what the problem was. If you are not going to read the whole thread to understand it, don't comment.

[darkeyes]

.. I am not saying thiis is the problem or even part of the problem, but I read of a survey recently where younger men particularly, who are over exposed to porn said they found the way their libido worked had changed.. to them porn becomes an addiction which affects performance and interest... not performance with themselves so to speak, but performance with another partner..

.. from what I recall it was not a scientific study, nor do I recall where I read it, but it may be relevant in some way to your problem..

[Realist]

My GF's ex was brain-washed by pornography. He spent hours focused on faked moans and acts that the general population rarely did.

Porn became his reality and in his mind he knew what he'd been watching was real.

Once, my GF told him that she wasn't comfortable with something he was doing, in bed. She asked him to do something else she would like.

The suggestion that he was not doing something she'd enjoy, infuriated him!

His comment was, "I've seen enough porn to know what to do, so YOU must be the problem!"

That was the beginning of the end for them.

[SxyStar]

Realist and darkeyes,
Thank you for ur comments on the porn topic. I've talked to him about it and he told me was that it might be in the DVD player but he never watched it. I kinda believe him. For the simple fact, he has never really be into porn, at least as long as I have known him. I've known him for 12 yrs.

I might be more worried about it then I am. I watch porn with him if we ever get a chance too, with kids and all. He loves to reinact some of the scenes but he has told me that he knows they r fake and that half of the girls are faking. U can tell that most of the girls are faking it.

Ever since I said something to him, he suggested we make our own porn together. Him and a friend are/were going to trade them. I'm not weird about the trading, either. I've know his friend as long as I've known him. Truthfully, I kinda think of it as a little erotic. Just my opinion tho.

[adero08]

Honey there is nothing wrong with you. If he doesn't want you that's more of his issue. In my opinion any woman who is your age and her sex drive is still up her man needs to be down on her knees begging for her every damn day. If i were you i would leave the sex issue alone for a while. don't try to have it, don't bring it up, or better yet after you wait come home before he does and set up something positively kinky that you know he can't resist. that might do the trick.

[SxyStar]

Adero,
Thank you for the advice. I have talked to my husband about the issues that I have stated and a few that I didn't stat. He is going to work on the sexual issues and our communication problems as well.

[The Black Knights]

SxyStar,
There is nothing (physically, I believe) wrong with you, nor with wanting to be wanted physically, sexually or otherwise. Communication is a major key in any marriage, and even more so when there are (long-standing) issues. I can certainly relate to your issues. I won't rehash what others have already said and that I agree with, but the point is that you don't have to apologize or feel bad because you are bi. If he is also bi, but can't deal with it, that is his issue, not yours.
With that said, you deserve to have your needs met too. If he can't and/or won't try to help you achieve that, then you and he need to work out something or...you do what you feel you have to do. I don't advocate cheating (for obvious reasons), but being "forced" to be celibate and/or settle for less only because your partner can't and/or won't (at least try to) meet you halfway or allow you to (safely) satisfy such elsewhere with his or her consent (male or female, straight, gay or bi) is not cool either. Trust me, I have much knowledge about that from my 20s on. I won't say more on that here, but you can PM with your email and we can chat more offline.
Yes, some people want sex more than others (even at older ages) and some want less. My sex drive is the highest its ever been and I have no idea why. But I know how to control such so I can live my life, especially when I cannot get my needs met for whatever reasons (and for me it is kind of complicated).
It is what it is. (Current and past) Environment, beliefs, how one was raised, and personal life experiences, both good and bad, all factor into this. You must do what is best for you, within reason, legal and otherwise, including getting professional help for those issues that require such and hopefully things will get better for both of you. Many folks would just leave and not try to fight for the relationship. You clearly want things to work. Don't give up.

[love1234]

Jump him in the morning and take what you want:-) Most guys have hard on or get one easy in the morning.

I remember one lady some place getting great big strap on and putting it on and telling her husband you fuck me or I fuck you. Pick your choice:-)

[ckman314]

This happens time to time in my relationship with my wife and I its usually because I have found a new fetish or fantasy to jerk off too and the problem is I jerk off way too much sometimes twice a day and too have sex at night with my wife is a challenge when you already got off twice that day and I fail too get hard or satisfy her and thats gets in my head and makes it harder for the next time I almost get afraid of not being able too perform and that nervousness makes me not perform the next time around. I would try too find out what or if he is having any new kind of fantasies and try too play them out or role play