Pros and cons of coming out

[therevq]

Let me say at the outset, this is a question based thread, not my personal view. But first, some background info and a certain amount of explanation is called for.

I am bisexual, not just bicurious or an MSM, known it for ages. I've had sexual and emotional relationships on both sides of the gender spectrum. I'd put myself pretty smack bang in the middle of the Kinsey scale. Took me a while to realise, but that is a standard and boring story, possibly for another time.

For many years I have kept it secret, primarily because of my work. I was a band manager, booking agent and promoter, mostly in the metal scene. In SA, it's a very closed community, everyone knows everyone and all the dirty laundry. It's also highly political and any edge you can obtain against someone else will be used. The lines between personal and professional were highly blurred and during this time, a certain degree of secrecy and subtlety was needed to keep the two distinct and protect my career.

But as I said, I was. I have quit and gone back to the geeky role of web developer for various reasons. Professional and personal are now distinct. My partying and forays out don't happen around clients and colleagues. This has again opened up the possibility of me coming out. I am aware that it isn't an instant thing, it's not a once off, done in 5 seconds. It is a decision to no longer hide it, to reveal ones preference as and when appropriate in a process that will never end.

I've spoken to two trusted friends about this, seeking advice. In both cases they have advised me against it. The first feels that by coming out, even though I am out of the music industry career wise, it will still cost me a lot of the friends I made in it. The second friend feels it would damage my career as a developer. He has encountered that, but as a difference, where I am bisexual, he is gay and a self-confessed queen. 30 seconds with him and you are left in no doubt of his preference. I do not feel that I would undergo a transformation along that line that would instantly brand me.

That said, despite their advice, I am still sorely tempted to start coming out. I no longer want to lead the double life, to have to engage in all the necessary subterfuge that such entails and keep who I actually am hidden. I don't see it costing me work opportunities, but I can see that it may cost me some friends.

After that long rambling, my questions are simple. To those who have come out, was it worth it? Was the price you had to pay worth it?

[Long Duck Dong]

I have been out and open about myself for many years, not just about being bisexual, but also about having a asexual nature, living with depression and PSTD, having been behind bars for taking a human life etc.....

out of all of them, the most flak I have had to deal with and ongoing issues, is actually in this site and a couple of male members.... and thats been over my asexual nature....

in fact most of the issues I have had, has been in online forums and chats,... in real life and outside of the forums, its been easy to deal with and talk with people including those that do not accept, agree or understand aspects of me....

in this site, I have found much of the same thing, people disagree with things I may say, but they are respectful about it.... the biphobia and homophobia that is often refered to in the site.... is something that is not as common in New Zealand as in other countries, it appears.... but that could have a lot to do with the fact that some people will label anything and everything as phobic in some way.. and that actual biphobia such as violence and bullying is very limited....as biphobia is a label applied to any action against a bisexual person... yet you never hear of heterophobia when a straight person is bullied, as has happened a number of times in this site

coming out can be a dual issue, it can make you a light for some people and draw them to you for now than just sex, they want to learn, understand, talk and ask for help, or be with a person that they can relate to......and yes, for others, it can be a valid reason ( in their eyes ) to disagree with you, dislike you etc etc.....

the pros and cons differ from person to person, some come out cos it increases their chances of sex, others come out cos its who they are, and some come out cos they want to make a stand and take on the world......
and it appears that the people that suffer the lest issues, are the ones that come out cos they can, cos they want to... and they expect or demand nothing other than to be seen as the same person they were before.....

[therevq]

Thanks, you raise some good points. Must admit I'm quite reassured by



and it appears that the people that suffer the lest issues, are the ones that come out cos they can, cos they want to... and they expect or demand nothing other than to be seen as the same person they were before.....

Kind of seeing myself in that position :)

[trentino]

it's been a relief ! a burden lifted, and frankly, almost a sort of exorcism.
I'm lucky in that my wife, after an initial shock, took the news well and is slowly warming up to the notion of bisexuality being a part of my person. Nothing to be threatened by and in fact something that can be enriching to both our lives. In all, it feels good to be able to be honest and open and it has drawn us both more closely together. Good luck !

[therevq]

Thanks. Going to do it, just need to get off my butt and make it happen. That said, bringing this up with the current girlfriend is going to be an interesting time, not sure at all how she'll take it

[trentino]

Where are you Russell ? YEs, it took me ages to mull it over in my mind until we had finally a calm minute to discuss the matter. I suggest a lot of research and talking to people, especially the helpful and supportive people on this site. In fact, after I revealed the fact, my wife mentioned that she had somewhere deep down had her suspicions. But then again, she fucks me in the ass from time to time with a strap-on dildo, so she's a pretty game girl...

[darkeyes]

Coming out as a girl or woman is a far different thing from coming out as a boy or man.. we have discussed this in the past and for the likes of me coming out at the age of 14 it was a relatively simple matter compared to some guys I know at the same age.. any guy I know for that matter.. even in the 1990's female bisexuality or lesbianism didnt have the same stigma as the same thing in men. I had the advantage of parents who were loving, liberated, progressive and encouraging for my sister brother and I to be who we are.. at a young age discussion of sexual issues was never taboo.. I admit that even although my parents were never going to be a problem I was scared and reluctant to open up to them.. but when I did it as the most liberating experience of my life..

I came out because I could and felt it right for me and my life has been a ball... not without problems but then whose is? I have had a few run ins with bigots, and have suffered more than once at their hands physicially.. but in the main it has never been for me, a problem.. the same cannot be said of guys I know quite in the same manner.. coming out for guys is a far more trautmatic and problematical experience.. much easier now for many than when I was in my teens, but still less tolerated and accepted than thier female counterparts..

I am not one to say to anyone they have to come out and be open.. so much has to be considered.. family, friends, job, school, life, the area in which they live, personal safety, the attitude of the forces of law and order even in a society where homosexual activity is legal and above board.. we have to weigh up in our own mind and prepare as best we can for what may be some quite unpleasant and even unseen consequences.. I was lucky in that I could do that and have never regretted it for a moment.. but that's me.. we are all different, with different sensitivites, upbringing, sense of morality, religion.. for some coming out is no panacea, and everyone has to accept that.. even although I think more of us should and can come out than do, it is a personal decision which we must all make based on our own circumstances.. ideally we should all come out, but there are places in the world, even where homosexuality and bisexuality are legal that are dangerous and where exist those who would do us harm because of what we are.. even the ultimate harm... all of these things must be turned over in our own minds before we make the final decision..

For those of us who are bisexual or gay, the world remains not quite safe even with the protections of law, and even where a clear majority exist who are accepting and tolerant of same sex relationships.. among those who will be not our friends will be those in our family, or friends and our workmates, our bosses, many police officers and in the general populace.. coming out may mean we will gain much, and be happier.. for me it has been a positive experience.. but many will lose friends, family, position at work, maybe even their job completely.. even if the law does not allow discrimination there are ways some will discriminate negatively because of what we ares, but use another pretext to circumvent the law and even an employer's own rulebook, which sometimes the person discriminating will have written themselves... some will lose their lives..

I am not trying to discourage anyone from becoming openly bisexual or gay.. merely trying to make sure they are aware that every action we take has consequences, and it is better that we are aware of as many of those consequences as our lil pea brains can uncover.. especially the adverse ones which for any one who comes out, there will certainly be some...

[therevq]

@Trentino, I stay in South Africa. So far I'm finding this site fantastic, everyone who is weighing in is giving me helpful points and advice, so useful.

@Darkeyes, Yes, life will always have problems, trite but true, the most we can hope to do is swap one set for a different set of problems. Thank you for the list of areas to consider, will be going through that in a lot of depth. You've given me more areas than had originally occurred to me.

[BiDaveDtown]

I have been out and open about myself for many years, not just about being bisexual, but also about having a asexual nature, living with depression and PSTD, having been behind bars for taking a human life etc.....

It's good that you're out about being asexual since you're not bisexual at all since you don't have any sexual attraction to anyone and never have.

russell-If you're not out you might as well come out since there's no point in living your life in fear, shame, and living in the closet.