Please help, men! Girl found something on guy's comp!

[Sallyjo]

Hello,
So here is my question. There has been this guy I've know for 10 years who has chased me forever. We fooled around through the years and I slept with him 3 years ago. He's still be after me the whole time so I decided to date him recently. A week ago, I was at his place for 4 days in a row, and the last day I went on his computer and saw the day before I got there, and the previous week, there was a lot of gay porn in his history. I found it because the top sites poped up, and I saw gay porn so I decided to look more. I saw some girl/guy porn scatted in there also. I'm so confused. I had to leave the next day out of town so I never questioned him about it and I'm scared. What do I say if anything? Also, I don't want to be a girl he just sleeps with because he's trying to be straight. How can I tell if he's just in the closet? We have sex about 3 times a day and the sex is reallly good and he has no problems with it at all. I am very fem and girly also. Can he be more attracted to guys than girls vice virsa? Can someone explain to me what is going on, because I've very confused. I'm a girl, btw.
Thanks

[LoveBothWorlds]

It's impossible to draw accurate conclusions from what he looked at on the computer. I recommend bringing up the subject because it sounds like an innocent discovery. He may have just been looking at those sites, he could be bisexual, he might not be, you won't know unless you speak with him. It sounds like it was an innocent discovery. I suspect he is really into you based on what you have written so this may mean nothing at all. Open communication is the way to go!

[Long Duck Dong]

lol you found porn on the computer....lol.... porn is brilliant for putting people into a tailspin when its found on a computer

ok for a start, the type of porn can be a indication of a sexual preference, but it can also be a indication of curiosity..... there are people that have a sexual interest in viewing some things, but no interest in being involved in the real thing

sure, he could be bi or a closeted male that is trying to hide his sexuality or come to terms with it... or he could be a straight male that enjoys viewing porn......but one thing is for sure, its him you need to talk to about it.....

just be honest, say that you used his computer and the gay porn came up, and its freaked you out a lil cos you never expected it, tell him that you are not having a melt down but you are a lil worried about how you stand in the relationship and would like to know that you are more than just a passing interest or a friend with benefits.....that a relationship is definately something he wants.....

the thing is, my dear, how do you feel about being with a male that may well be bisexual... and interested in being with males and females.... cos if you can not handle that, then he needs to hear that from you, if he says he is bisexual and interested in a open relationship

[Sallyjo]

I fee that he will get mad and super embarrassed. That can be a sensitive subject if he hasn't come to terms with it yet. Also, that I found it on his comp, he may get real angry like i'm snooping. But for the week that there was history, there was like 8 guy porn sites a day an 2 women sites.

[Sallyjo]

I guess I don't mind him being BI, as long as he is clean and doesn't sleep with anyone, men or women while he's with me.

[FinkDoodle]

"as long as he is clean and doesn't sleep with anyone, men or women while he's with me"

Umm . . how old are you? And were you brought up on a heavy duty diet of Disney movies ? No offense, but I'm not perceiving a lot of maturity in your posts.

[Long Duck Dong]

I guess I don't mind him being BI, as long as he is clean and doesn't sleep with anyone, men or women while he's with me.

nods, not everybody is able to handle open relationships... and some bisexuals can be monogamous, others do not cope that well with monogamy, but that is the same with any sexuality, not just bisexuals.....

when you talk with the guy, you need to tell him where you stand on relationships, and what you seek, its better to get a understanding sorted at the start of a relationship, with discoveries like what you found, so that way both partners have the option of saying Aye or nay....

while some people will argue that the rights of the bisexual matter, I will argue that the rights of both partners matter equally, cos it takes two partner to have a relationship, not one.....

[shybutnice]

I agree with long Duck, both of your feelings matter, he may be curious; or confused about his urges, trying to deny them...the what ifs are endless. talk to him and get to the bottom of it, the truth will help you both in the long run

[Dog62]

I saw gay porn so I decided to look more. I saw some girl/guy porn scatted in there also. I'm so confused.
If you had found girl/girl porn would you have assumed he was a lesbian? Then why do you assume the worst because you found male/male porn. Also, why must you question his devotion to you? Have you reached the point in your renewed relationship that you are an 'exclusive" item? If so, then why does porn of any type cause you to think he is anything other than being exclusive to you? He may just like watching porn

Have you tried mentioning that you like watching porn? Ask him to watch some with you and then mention the types of porn you like, adding some m/m or bi porn to that mix and ask if he would be interested in watching that with you. Start subtle and work your way up till you feel comfortable and believe he is comfortable enough to talk openly with you.

[FinkDoodle]

"he may get real angry like i'm snooping"

Umm . . you were snooping. . .

[goldenfinger]

If you had found girl/girl porn would you have assumed he was a lesbian? Then why do you assume the worst because you found male/male porn. Also, why must you question his devotion to you? Have you reached the point in your renewed relationship that you are an 'exclusive" item? If so, then why does porn of any type cause you to think he is anything other than being exclusive to you? He may just like watching porn

Have you tried mentioning that you like watching porn? Ask him to watch some with you and then mention the types of porn you like, adding some m/m or bi porn to that mix and ask if he would be interested in watching that with you. Start subtle and work your way up till you feel comfortable and believe he is comfortable enough to talk openly with you.

Seems the best way to go,,,

[Hephaestion]

I guess I don't mind him being BI, as long as he is clean and doesn't sleep with anyone, men or women while he's with me.

If that is what you want, then he has to know. If he cannot comply then you both need to review what you want out of your relationship and where it might be going.

Open relationships are fine for some but not for others.

.

[falcondfw]

"he may get real angry like i'm snooping"

Umm . . you were snooping. . .

Not necessarily. Chrome brings up the most recently closed and the most viewed tabs when you click for a new tab. It does it automatically, unless you change your settings.

[tenni]

"I went on his computer and saw the day before I got there, and the previous week, there was a lot of gay porn in his history."

Uh...don't you actually have to go to the history button to see the previous days/ weeks history? It just doesn't pop up for the past weeks?

At any point, the OP needs to be honest with the man. The idea of beginning a discussion maybe by viewing bi porn might be a door opener. Don't be surprised if he is reluctant to open up. After all you are demanding monogamy in your thoughts and you are hardly in a long term relationship with him. You clearly are a distrustful, invasive snoop. I'm not saying that to be mean as I think that a lot of us would do something the same as you did. Its just the truth and you should admit this to yourself and him. It may be a sign that you are becoming serious about him but it may also be the wrong approach and show your biphobic fears. Whether he is bi or just exploring on his own computer in his own residence you have broken and damaged any trust that this guy should give you. Be honest and tell him what you know. Let him decide if you are the kind of woman that he wants to develop a longer term relationship with. It is in your court. Handle this issue gently. If he is curious and may be bi, if you come in accusatory and judgmental, you may damage his self discovery. If you handle it well, you may begin a very open and honest relationship for both of you. Good luck.

[mikey3000]

I say leave it alone.

[dbltrbl69]

Hmm have a mmf 3some and get your freak on together. Time to nut up or shut up. Try it, you will like it. Lol

[FinkDoodle]

"I went on his computer and saw the day before I got there, and the previous week, there was a lot of gay porn in his history."

Even Chrome doesn't bring up the history for the past WEEK . . if that's not snooping, I'd like to know a better definition . .


Basically you were looking for dirt, found far more than you surmised, went into full-fledged panic mode and signed onto a bisexual chat board for help with this issue - using incredibly ignorant phrases that allude to your not wanting to be a beard for a gay guy.

Personally I think you got exactly what you deserved for invading the guy's privacy. How would you have felt if you came into a room and saw him rooting through your purse and examining your checkbook?

[falcondfw]

"Even Chrome doesn't bring up the history for the past WEEK . . if that's not snooping, I'd like to know a better definition . ."

ummmm .... Yes it does, if brings up the most recently closed tabs and the most frequently visited sites. So ... if you go there a lot or if those are the tabs you last closed, that is what is brought up.

She says she saw it in history, but only after the top visited sites popped up (those were the gay porn ones) and she decided to look further. The gay sites that popped up are one thing. The fact that she dug further is another and it was none of her business. Basically, if she had stopped with what displayed as the top sites, she could have talked to him without fear of being called a snoop. Once she went in to history, she went too far.

[FinkDoodle]

Man . . you guys and your semantics . .

Fine . . if you go to only three websites in an entire week, Chrome will indeed pull those up. Happy now?

My point being that Chrome does not display an entire week's worth of history without digging further, which this woman clearly admits to, and was, in fact, the main idea of my observation.

Are there any other anal details you'd like to nag about, or is your life so empty that you need to nit-pick the posts of others with the anal fortitude of a government tax assessor just to feel some fulfillment on some vacant level of your incredibly hollow soul?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

My question is, why were you nosing around on His computer in the first place? And unless you were looking for stuff it shouldnt have just "Popped up" Those who stick their noses in where they dont belong shouldnt be upset if they find something by accident.
If the sex is good, and you are getting along; then why try fixing something that isnt broken? If you want to know something, try this age old tried and true conciept called Communication, and see what you find out.
Good luck and be straight forward with him and Tell him you found his porn stash. Maybe he'll let you watch some with him...:}
Cat

[FinkDoodle]

Thank You . .

[Long Duck Dong]

sighs.... she sees something that stands out to her, she gets concerned and checks... and finds something that could potentially affect the relationship.... and shes wrong ????

we are we saying here... that its ok to keep secrets from partners ?

sallyjo has a right to know what is going on with her partner... and he should have told her if there is anything that could potentially affect the relationship.... isn't that the same way many of us feel about our own partners... that we want to be respected and told about things that could affect us and our relationships or is it suddenly ok to tell people they are wrong, when they get concerned about something that could affect them and their relationship, that they have not been told about, and they found it by accident and then checked things out for themselves....

thats the same way many partners have found out their partners are cheating on them.... and its forced a lot of bisexuals to finally be honest with their partners, instead of lying to them

[dseven]

Do you feel that he's emotionally involved in the relationship? Have you had sex with him? Have you seen him truly aroused?

If you answered with "yes", then he's probably bisexual or bi-curious, but leaning to the straight side, you see, sexual desires and sexual fantasies can or cannot be related, one can have sexual fantasies of all sorts and still don't wanna fulfill those fantasies. Fantasies are idealizations of encounters, the reality is much more complex.

If you are really insecure about it, which is a common thing for girls, you have to smell if the situation calls for it, but you can't make him open up to you about his sexuality, cos he's probably not sure about it. Don't be agressive with him, don't make any opinions about it, tell him what he wants to hear and don't even think to enter into masculinity and stuff.
But remember that you'll be gambling your relationship with him.

Good luck
Dseven.

[tenni]

All indications in the OP post tell me that this is at best the beginning of a relationship. They are dating even though they had a fling a few years back. He has shown interest in the OP but not disclosed his interest in porn or same sex porn. This makes them less than partners imo. There are conflicting "rights" happening. The man has a right to privacy when he lets a woman stay over even for a couple of days. The woman OP has a right to know his sexuality but at this point in the dating, it may be pre mature. Generally, bisexuals do not immediate disclose their sexuality and in particular bi guys. The discrimination against bisexual men compared to bisexual women is much greater. Hetero women tend to reject bisexual men believing them to be gay much more than a hetero man rejects a bi woman. (In fact, there is a myth or belief that it is hot for a woman to be bi in hetero men's eyes...at least on the fantasy level).

This is a bit complicated as to who is at greater fault here but is sure looks like a snoop into a new boyfriend's computer trumps a bi guy not disclosing his sexuality until he is a bit more certain. She rejected him for years and why would any guy throw his bi card on the table after wanting her for years?

Na...most of the advice from bisexuals is on the mark here.

[biggn56]

off the cuff, I'd say your boyfriend is bi. Personally I think your looking for divine guidance, when you already know what you need to say and do. It's never easy one way or the other, so either accept it or move on.

[Jim30512]

Why are you snooping around his computer?? You violated his trust. If I were him I would kick you out and never have anything more to do with you. You should be ashamed of yourself!!

[Gearbox]

sallyjo has a right to know what is going on with her partner.
Sallyjo has a right to vote etc. Not rifle through her partners private things and investigate his private life. Which includes NOT being privy to who he masturbates to alone in his own home when she's not around.
She had no problem keeping THAT secret from him.:rolleyes:

@Sallyjo - 3 times a day sex is not good for evaluating if a man loves you or not! He maybe masturbating 5 times a night to pixels on his monitor!
If you really want to get to know him and his feelings for you - TALK!;)

As you can see here, snooping is the best way to loose somebodies trust and confidence.
If I were you I'd apologise to him, and bring the topic of sexuality and monogamy out in the open.;)