Advice for dating bi girl........

[gemini82]

Hi! One of my friends uses this site from time to time for advice, and she really likes the people, and appreciates everyone's diverse views. I guess I'm in need of some help from some well-informed people, which is why I've registered. So first off, I'm a straight man who's dating a bi girl. We've been together for a few years, and I can say with much certainty that I love this girl with all my heart. We're talking about marriage, and it's looking like that will be in the very near future. Maybe even this next summer. But based on some recent events, I'm having some misgivings about who she really is, and what it is she really wants.

Basically what happened to make me doubt her was this: We both are song-writers. We have a two-person band, and it's rather fun. Anyway, we have a whole pile of notebooks we write our lyrics down in, and I found one of these just lying about our bedroom yesterday morning. I got looking through the old notebook, and was going on a nice trip down memory lane with some of the old (crappy) songs we'd written together, when suddenly, I noticed that the last few pages of this notebook had some weird, random stuff written down. It was her writing, and it was actually something like a letter to herself, dated September 4th, 2011. Basically, it was her telling herself how much she loves me, and how much she's attracted to me, which I loved to read, but it's also about how much she really wants to have sex with a woman. There was also this part detailing some fantasy life with her fantasy girlfriend.

I wouldn't normally think that's a big deal, because it's not like her being attracted to women is a surprise to me, but then she wrote all about how she keeps wondering if she's a lesbian, and there was all this disjointed writing about how she loves me, and loves sex with me, but is really angry at herself for wondering if she's a lesbian or not. She kept writing over and over "I am not gay. I love my boyfriend. I am not gay. I love my boyfriend. I am not gay. I love my boyfriend." There was literally a whole page, front and back, of that one phrase, and it freaked me out. Like that scene in The Shining. ALL WORK NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. Over and over. Ya know? Creepy.

My question to you all is: Is this letter to herself something I should worry about? What would you do if you found something comparable written by your lover? Should I let her know I read her writing? Should I bring this up given the fact that we've kind of got wedding plans in the near future? What do I do? Is it even a big deal? I just really wish I had some insight into how confusing sexuality can be for some people. I wish I knew how to help her, or even if I CAN or SHOULD, ya know?

Now, I want to clarify something. I'm not one of those ignorant straight guys who thinks all bisexuals are sex-crazed cheaters who can't control their hedonistic, built-in anti-monogamous impulses. I'm also not the kind of guy who gets off on girl-on-girl stuff, and wants threesomes. That's not an appealing sexual fantasy to me. Her attraction for women is not a turn on to me, not something I want to exploit, if ya know what I mean. I'm a friend to the LGBTQ community, and her role in it, but I don't want to be a victim of someone who hasn't figured out where they stand in the whole scheme of things, ya know? Does that make sense?

Lastly, I feel like I should include a few more details for perspective. I am 30 and she is 22. We are not into open-relationships. We both value monogamy. She is out, and seemingly proud, but I know that she is also not COMFORTABLY bisexual. Despite all the support from her liberal family and friends, plus our supportive conservative friends... yes, we've got plenty of those, if you can believe it... she maintains that she wishes she were straight, which makes me very sad for her. I had a talk with her about her sexuality today, basically asking her if she felt fulfilled in our hetero relationship, and she said yes. But at times, I catch her checking out girls right in front of me, and I can't help but wonder if what she SAYS she wants is the same thing as what she REALLY wants. That might sound insecure, but I couldn't bear the thought of life without her.

Sorry for the long post, but any help from anyone on this forum will be much appreciated. THANK YOU!

[bityme]

You need to allow her to find herself before you force her into a committed, monogamous marriage. Yes, by all means, tell her what you found in the notebook. It was not a private journal. It was for things you both had written.

Discuss it with her and open your relationship so that she can experiment and determine her true sexuality. If she doesn't do this, your relationship is going to fail, or become very rocky at best. Sooner or later she would regret never finding out and her feelings that you now classify as fantasy will become even stronger. If she is allowed to experiment there are generally three possible results.

She could discover that she is a lesbian and your won't be going through a senseless marriage.

She could discover it was a fantasy and she did not like the physical reality of it, in which case she can totally commit herself to a monogamous marriage and feel good about it.

She could discover that she is bisexual, desiring what you have together as well as a relationship with a woman. She may feel that her need for interaction with a woman on a continuing basis is minimal and she can forego the desire in favor of a monogamous marriage as many on this site have done. Alternatively she may desire to marry you but also have a need for a continuing relationship with a woman in which case, having an open marriage would be the only logical conclusion.

You may be old enough and have enough life experience to commit to a monogamous marriage, but considering her age and the feelings she has expressed it is doubtful that she has the maturity to commit herself at this point. She has a right to explore her feelings and needs prior to committing herself. She need to be sure of herself first and you should really think about what marriage will ultimately be like if she is pressured into it. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and for it to succeed, each of you have to know yourselves.

Pappy

[tenni]

I agree with what bitime has posted. You will have to reflect on yourself as well. At her age, she may think that she can be monogamous and you may wish it. Ten to twenty years from now it may be extremely difficult for her not to also want to be involved with a woman as well. You may want to consider that this will not reduce the amount of love for you at all. She will still love you but you may have to open your mind about monogamy if you wish to be in a life long relationship with her.

Keep the lines of communication open. If she becomes fearful that her desires have changed and can not freely discuss her feelings with you, your marriage may be doomed before it starts. The fact that she is having these feelings and confusion right now and not able to discuss them with you is problematic. It may indicate that you are both not being open and honest enough with each other. You both have a lot of thinking/talking to do.