advice needed

[bustychick]

Hello everyone.

I need advice. I am a 30 year old female who has been in a long term relationship with a 30 year old male. He and I were monogamous until a few days ago when I went on a date with a woman and ended up in bed with her. My boyfriend was cool with me going out and even sleeping over a stranger's house but after all was said and done, he said I cheated on him. It was not my intention to be unfaithful to him. I was under the impression that he was fine with me being with a woman. Now, I have been called a whore and a cheater. He has not forgiven me but he has also not broken up with me. He wants me to make it up to him in a big way. He says he is only okay with me being with another woman if he gets to watch or if he is able to participate. The woman I slept with is a lesbian so a threesome with her is not possible and neither is having him watch. She is out of the picture now. I have no idea how to make it up to him. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Jobelorocks]

Well it sounds to me that he had all the information and gave the okay to begin with, so he has no reason to be mad at you. It seems like he is trying to find an excuse so he can have his live lesbian porn. I mean if you are okay with having a threesome with him and another woman, then by all means you should try to find a woman to make that happen. I would call him out on his back pedaling and manipulation of the situation to try to get what he wants.

[Jim30512]

Are you kidding???? The guy is being a jerk. If he wants a threesum he should just tell you. Only a jerk uses this to punish you. Very immature!!

[bityme]

Hello everyone.

I need advice. I am a 30 year old female who has been in a long term relationship with a 30 year old male. He and I were monogamous until a few days ago when I went on a date with a woman and ended up in bed with her. My boyfriend was cool with me going out and even sleeping over a stranger's house but after all was said and done, he said I cheated on him. It was not my intention to be unfaithful to him. I was under the impression that he was fine with me being with a woman. Now, I have been called a whore and a cheater. He has not forgiven me but he has also not broken up with me. He wants me to make it up to him in a big way. He says he is only okay with me being with another woman if he gets to watch or if he is able to participate. The woman I slept with is a lesbian so a threesome with her is not possible and neither is having him watch. She is out of the picture now. I have no idea how to make it up to him. Any advice would be appreciated.

It sounds as if there is only one adult in your relationship. You did say it's long term, but the word marriage was missing in the equation. He thought everything was cool until he found out you enjoyed yourself.

Instead of sitting down and working things out like adults do. He wants to play Daddy and choose your punishment. Except the punishment involves both you and the other woman unwillingly giving him pleasure. If that is the basis of your relationship, you need some help and he needs to be shown the door. In any event, he needs to be shown the door anyway.

There is nothing you have to make up to him. You are an adult, capable of making your own decisions. Think about it, if he did the same thing with a man, what would be his reaction if you imposed the same conditions on him? When he does something that upsets you, do you get to determine his punishment. Tell him you will not take such abuse and show him the door. One instance of abuse is too many times and no woman should stay with a man who has abused her, even once.

Pappy

[Cogent]

Ditto

Calling you a whore and cheater is bad. A lot of anger and manipulation.

Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with someone else... but I assume he had an inkling if you are staying over at another woman's house. So he should have known... its not like she was you bet friend from college you have't seen... biut you should have known.

Of course, now you have opened up the possibility of sex (or love) with other women. Is that changing you?

Sounds to me like you are not managing the relationship or understanding who you are or what you want. How mature, balanced supportive is your current relationship. Move slowly but don't let yourself be called names. People have legitimate desires and orientation. This should be respected... but you also have to earn respect and trust with your actions

[falcondfw]

Hmmm. Do I think you cheated on him? That depends. Did he know you were going on a date? Was it, in your mind, supposed to be a date?
If he thought it was just two friends going out and you knew it was a date, then yes, you cheated.
The bit about him being ok with you sleeping over at a stranger's house puzzles me (from a safety standpoint, if for no other reason), but even with that, if he did not know it was a date and you did, it is still cheating. Weird, but cheating.
If you had no plans for it to be a date and he did not know it was a date, it is still cheating.
If he knew it was more than just two friends going out (and since he knew you were sleeping at a strangers house and knew you were bi, he should have at least suspected), then he is an ass.
Regardless, he is trying to manipulate you. And why YOU did not break up with him when he called you a whore is beyond me. Most of the women I know, if the guy called them a whore, the guy would not even get a chance to break up with them. They would break up with the guy first.
Call him on the manipulation, but only you know what truly went on and whether it was cheating or not.

[Realist]

Busty,

Seems to me that the possibility for an intimate connection was almost expected, in this case. Did he know you were bisexual, or at least curious?

I noticed you joined in 2005 and this is your 2nd post...everything must have been OK, up to now!

I'm sorry, but his attitude, anger, and the name-calling, is very immature.

If you're guilty of anything, it may be not clearly communicating your intentions.

Sounds like such a minor thing, to me, that he's blown up...all out of proportion!

If you let him intimidate you, the next thing you do may cause more of the same.

[Gearbox]

That's the trouble with monogamy! People mistake it for sexual ownership:2cents:

Your not in his debt! He doesn't have the sole rights to your sexual practices. He's not your pimp!:rolleyes:
You obviously wanted to sleep with that lady, so that's the person you are. If he doesn't like it, he can leave you. But if he can't accept you as you are, I doubt there's love involved, so no loss there.;)

You told him the truth. That's all you owe him IMO.

[Neonaught]

Gearbox I usually agree with your opinions but here I have to diverge. I always thought that a major part of monogamy *is* sexual exclusivity. Old fashioned of me perhaps but we have to deal with the world we are in not what we wish it was. This person obviously thought they had permission first which is important, but her partner seems to have had a change of heart and has handled the situation poorly. Unfair as that is it has to be dealt with.

A relationship based on commitment but with freedom to enjoy other sexual encounters is one helluva difficult thing to deal with if you thought you were going to be the one and only from the start.

I'd hope that compassion would be offered to both parties in this difficult situtation. We really don't have the full picture of what the guy is going through here, though again, I feel he's handling it poorly. If he's feeling left out maybe she should try to address that and seek more inclusive arrangements?

[Annika L]

I agree with the mode of the other comments.

Your trying to figure out "how to make it up to him" is an acceptance of blame, where it doesn't sound like blame is due. Cheating is knowingly violating an understanding...it sounds to me like you thought you were "within bounds"...if so (and as falcon says, you're the only one who really knows for sure if that's what happened), then at least from your perspective it was an unfortunate misunderstanding, not "cheating".

What does a civilized adult do when there is a misunderstanding? Does a civilized adult lash out? Call names? Demand payback? Or do they try to figure out how the misunderstanding occurred, and communicate so similar misunderstandings don't happen in the future?

Or perhaps he doesn't see it as a misunderstanding...perhaps he thinks you "played" this, that you went to bed with this woman and now are trying to explain it away as innocent? If so, then he doesn't trust you. Whatever he thinks happened, he clearly doesn't respect you (again, whatever happens, when someone respects you, do they lash out, call names, demand payback?).

Or perhaps the misunderstanding wasn't yours at all...perhaps it was his. Perhaps he really thought he *was* ok with you being with another woman, perhaps you really *did* have the permission you thought you had. But now that it's happened, he's feeling the real emotions connected with his partner sleeping with someone else, and he's finding them overwhelming and difficult. That's the kindest spin, right? What does a mature and loving person do when they've entered into an agreement and it turns out to be more than they bargained for? Do they fly into a rage, call names, turn the blame around and demand retribution? Or do they admit that they screwed up, own their role in things, and ask to revise the rules to something they can better deal with?

I'm left with the conclusion that he is one or more of: unciviilized, childish, doesn't respect you, doesn't trust you, is immature, or is unloving. If I was with someone with any of those traits, I know what I'd do...and it wouldn't involve trying to figure out how to make up to them.

[Moonlight_BHI]

He has no right at all to call you a whore or cheater cause he do not verbally say you could not sleep with a woman.

[nicco413]

Double standards from him, calls you a whore and cheater but expects you and her to fuck him!
Control freak and hypocrite in my opinion.

[Gearbox]

@Neonaught - Yes you are right there about monogamy. What irks me about it is that even when the exclusivity ends, sometimes the ownership doesn't. Makes me wonder about the motives for monogamy.
The condition 'You are allowed sex with others ONLY if I participate or observe.', gives me a little chill.:eek:

That's just my personal take on it, and I doubt everybody else would be so uppity about it as me.:bigrin:

[tenni]

"The condition 'You are allowed sex with others ONLY if I participate or observe.', gives me a little chill."

I have read this condition posted on this site and others quite often as a condition of a partner accepting the other partner's bisexuality. I think that it is complicated and unpredictable as to how the partner giving permission might react once the deed is done. I've read where some bisexuals state that this is what their partner agrees to but they feel uncomfortable doing it. Quite often the rationale is that the bisexual is just beginning to explore their bisexuality and the idea of same sex is a delicate and nervous exploration that they would rather try on their own. It is about the individual and learning to accept their sexuality. Many of us have felt this way.

The difference may be for a person who is acknowledging their bisexuality after entering a cross sex relationship. If a person is exploring their sexuality, how many would find it appropriate to invite a third party to watch? It doesn't make sense to me but somehow if the bisexual is connected to a cross sex person that cross sex person believes that they have a right to be involved in the bisexual's exploration of self? Our sexuality is a very personal aspect of identity. To expect a bisexual to "share" in a voyeuristic way with a third party is not for everyone. Does that mean that an emerging bisexual is expected to suppress their sexual identity or end the cross sex relationship before self discovery?

It is a delimma. I understand that a person might be a bit nervous when first exploring a same sex interaction. Having a third person there might be difficult. I can also understand that the partner may feel nervous about what is really going on if they are not present. Several times, I've read on this site where the heterosexual partner thinks that they can handle it and then are overwhelmed with negative emotion.

Is this a belief in sexual ownership of another person? Maybe? It does read a bit extreme though but there is definitely some feeling of wanting to control going on. We live in a society that spends centuries building up a belief system that monogamy is the right and only way to live.

[Jobelorocks]

The condition 'You are allowed sex with others ONLY if I participate or observe.', gives me a little chill.:eek:


Well I am bi and my husband is not and we swing. We swing with couples and singles and our major rule is that we only play with the other present. It works out fine for us and honestly I like it that way. Half of the whole excitement is my husband seeing me with other people and me seeing him with other women. Different things work for different people.

[tenni]

Well I am bi and my husband is not and we swing. We swing with couples and singles and our major rule is that we only play with the other present. It works out fine for us and honestly I like it that way. Half of the whole excitement is my husband seeing me with other people and me seeing him with other women. Different things work for different people.

Interesting. Would you agree that it is the exhibitionist/voyeur factor rather than the bisexual factor that is in play here or do you see both in play in the arousal interests? If the bisexual is not an exhibitionist they might find it uncomfortable for a third party to watch. If the heterosexual partner is not a voyeur they might find it uncomfortable to see their partner in a same sex scenario....in fact may find their bisexual partner with a same sex person even more distressful?

[Jobelorocks]

Voyeur or not, some people just find that it makes them more comfortable to see what is going on. I don't think that is an unreasonable want. Both partners feelings need to be considered equally before a decision is made. To consider the Bisexual's feelings more than their partners is wrong. Relationships, especially long term and committed ones, work on mutual trust, understanding, and consideration. It is hard for couples to make these decisions and different things work for different people. Just as long as both parties are considering their partner's feelings equally to their own, they should be able to make whatever decision they both would feel is the best for all involved.

I just don't think it is right for others to say that their partner doesn't love them because they aren't comfortable with them being with other people and them not seeing it. That isn't fair to that persons feelings. If they can't come to a reasonable agreement, or the emotional needs can't be met for both parties, then they probably need to reconsider whether this is the best relationship for them.

[DuckiesDarling]

I'm a bit confused, he was cool with you going out and also sleeping over at a strangers house after the date.........did he think you were gonna play old maid or something? Whatever sexuality, when you sleep at someone's house after a date it's normally because you aren't gonna be sleeping. Very, very rarely are there times when it's due to weather or being too drunk to drive that someone sleeps over after a date and it's not for sex. I think your partner is basically showing that he can say one thing and then react much differently when it comes to fruition. As was pointed out earlier, there is one adult in the relationship and that appears to be you. I do not think you cheated, I do not think he had the right to call you a whore. I do think that you need to talk to him and set the parameters down where both are clear on them about what each of you can and can not do involving other people in your relationship. It definitely does not appear you two are on the same page right now. I wish you luck, sweetie.

[_Joe_]

My boyfriend was cool with me going out and even sleeping over a stranger's house but after all was said and done

That needs to be pointed out in his face, that he was fine when it started, and has no right to be calling you out on anything, and you are due the apology from him.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Sounds to me he was testing you and you failed, and now he's using that to manipulate you without discussing it as adults. He expected you to fail and now he wants you to pay. No one's sexuality should be used as a weapon. You don't owe him an apology or need to make anything up to him.

If anyone needs explanation for my theory of him testing her. Someone who likes to have power over someone, also likes to see the strength of that power not only while in their current presence but in other settings away. That person wouldn't want the other person to be able to "Function" without them.

Since the boyfriend isn't wanting to deal with the situation in an adult rational manner and is verbally abusing you. I suggest you ponder if that is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life and if this is how he reacts under circumstances, to what extent could he go to and how will his temper be then. Only you can answer that.

He's already grinning on the inside cause you completely broke off the connection to the other female for his benefit. Abusers/control freaks like to isolate their objects.

Just my :2cents:

[pantytimbmd]

[QUOTE=littlerayofsunshine;210013]Sounds to me he was testing you and you failed, and now he's using that to manipulate you without discussing it as adults. He expected you to fail and now he wants you to pay. No one's sexuality should be used as a weapon. You don't owe him an apology or need to make anything up to him.

If anyone needs explanation for my theory of him testing her. Someone who likes to have power over someone, also likes to see the strength of that power not only while in their current presence but in other settings away. That person wouldn't want the other person to be able to "Function" without them.

Since the boyfriend isn't wanting to deal with the situation in an adult rational manner and is verbally abusing you. I suggest you ponder if that is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life and if this is how he reacts under circumstances, to what extent could he go to and how will his temper be then. Only you can answer that.

He's already grinning on the inside cause you completely broke off the connection to the other female for his benefit. Abusers/control freaks like to isolate their objects.

Just my :2cents:[/QU. I would be ok with anything you wanted to do with or without me! He is a self centered jerk. You deserve better!

[elian]

Of course, I can only hear one side of the story, yours but .. Even if he thought he would be okay with it, and then found out that emotionally he wasn't that still doesn't make his behavior any more mature. I especially like the laundry list at the end - he gets to play or watch - well if it bothered him that much he could have mentioned that BEFORE you went on your first date maybe? Seems unfair to act the way he is acting now.

Besides, he's not getting what he wants because the first lady is already out the door.

Communication in a loving way is soo important to healthy relationships. Being able to give love without being co-dependent is important too - I wish you both love and healing.

[Gearbox]

Well I am bi and my husband is not and we swing. We swing with couples and singles and our major rule is that we only play with the other present. It works out fine for us and honestly I like it that way. Half of the whole excitement is my husband seeing me with other people and me seeing him with other women. Different things work for different people.
It's good that you do enjoy it, and both are satisfied with it. It doesn't sound as if either are sacrificing anything with the arrangement or being forced into anything.:)

But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to the ones who have that condition imposed on them by their partners whether they like it or not. Not being allowed 1-1 sex with anybody but them is forbidden, and has a punishment.
That (IMO) is all to do with partnership and nothing to do with love. A contract between two adults who may have to abstain from self discovery in this very short existence because somebody they love will reject them for breaking a rule!:eek:

As the lovely Tenni has pointed out: "We live in a society that spends centuries building up a belief system that monogamy is the right and only way to live.".
I'd also add that we've been fooled into thinking that jealousy, spite, ownership, insecurities and wrath is to be respected in 'Lovers' in 'relationships' too.:eek:
It's downright sinister if you ask me. WTF is going on?:bigrin:

[dickhand]

The phrase " thou doest protest too much " comes to mind . If was cool with it before it happened and now is throwing a hissy fit over it , perhaps he has been unfaithful without the permission that you had . Just a thought .

[jamieknyc]

A lot of people in this thread have been very judgmental, but it is a fact of life that sometimes people think they are okay with something sexual, and then when it happens they find they can't deal with the feelings of jealousy. Mayeb you should try seeing a counselor.

[jimpgh6969]

If he knew about it, It's not cheating, u owe him nothing.

[elian]

A lot of people in this thread have been very judgmental, but it is a fact of life that sometimes people think they are okay with something sexual, and then when it happens they find they can't deal with the feelings of jealousy. Mayeb you should try seeing a counselor.

Agreed jamie, maybe he really didn't know that he would feel so lousy about it afterward but still, that's an awfully demanding list of things to TELL someone that's the way it's gonna be.

Of course, maybe she's paraphrasing, again I wish them both healing and love..

[FredinSJ]

Well we are both bi and we swing. Half the fun is watching the other half is recounting our party adventures with 3 or 4 or more! THAT'S COMMUNICATION. We are committed cpl who by TALKING, overcame jealousy.

Another member said rightly above:

" We swing with couples and singles and our major rule is that we only play with the other present. It works out fine for us and honestly I like it that way. Half of the whole excitement is my husband seeing me with other people and me seeing him with other women. Different things work for different people."
__________________

But if you feel ABUSED or CONTROLLED then either LEAVE HIM or see a therapist. It does work.

We like sexual therapy and make friends too. 3somes, 4somes full swap and "bi" is hardly an issue anymore in America!! Get a life for yourself.

FredinSJ and wife
write us in Toms River, NJ
777777777777777777777777777777777777777



.

[LoveBothWorlds]

You need a man who is supportive and understanding of you as well as honest. If you stay with this man it sounds like he may continue to manipulate you just so he can have a threesome. Get rid of that dude!

[checkup]

Hello everyone.

I need advice. I am a 30 year old female who has been in a long term relationship with a 30 year old male. He and I were monogamous until a few days ago

This bothers me mostly because mo·nog·a·my (mhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/schwa.gif-nhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/obreve.gifghttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gifhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/schwa.gif-mhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/emacr.gif)n.1. The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
2. a. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
b. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.

3. Zoology The condition of having only one mate during a breeding season or during the breeding life of a pair.

mo·noghttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gifa·mist n.
mo·noghttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gifa·mous adj.
mo·noghttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gifa·mous·ly adv.

she knew they were in a monogamous relationship and slept with someone under false pretenses so she there for cheated on him the fact that he has not broken up with her shows he loves her and is compassionate but does he have the right to call her names that depends on what kind of relationship they have does he have the right to be pissed yes he does because she knew they were monogamous

[Jason0012]

Cheating, in my opinion, requires lying. You stated that he was aware, and even OK with this until afterwards. If it bothered him after the fact I would considerit reasonable for him to say so and ask that you not do it again. Getting mad at you is immature and unreasonable. Demanding a three way as punishment is also immature and unreasonable. You didn't do anything wrong or out of bounds. From your description of events you did things right. If he wants a three way he should discuss it , not demand it.

[Realist]

I noticed that Bustychick joined in 2005, asked for the advice above, but never responded. She posted twice, but never again.

It made me wonder if some harm may have come to her? A controlling, double-dealing lover like him, could be capable of violence. I wish she had responded, at least once.